SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION

 

Since I retired, I have resisted the temptation

To tidy the cellar, the garage, or the attic

Because the moment I accomplished the task

My grown-up kids would fill them with their shit

WHAT DO PENSIONERS?

What do pensioners?

Consider long lunches to be? 

Perfectly normal I think

At least as far as I can see

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE CLAPPED OUT

 

You know when you are clapped out

And not vital any more

When the doc tells you

To slow down instead of the law

THE TEMPERATURE OF SEX

 

An old man was at the doctors

“I have a question you may think silly

Well after my wife and I have sex,

I'm usually cold and chilly

But then, after the second time

I'm usually hot and sweaty"

The doc replied “Well that is strange

Let’s discuss it with Betty”

The doctor repeated the tale

And she replied with disgust

"The first time is in January

And the second is in August"

AN UNSUSPECTING PENSIONER

 An unsuspecting pensioner

Was approached by a professional begger

"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself dear," she says     

IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE

 

In the nineties we all loved to dance along to

Billy Ray Cyrus and his “Achy Breaky Heart”

Now I’m approaching my seventies I've got

Achy, breaky everything and I’m falling apart

I MAY HAVE GOLD TEETH

I may have gold teeth

Showing when I grin

I may have silver hair

Which is going thin

I will even confess

That I have bronze skin

But I can say that my pencil

Still has plenty of lead in

CLASSIC, GENUINE AND UNIQUE

 

They all seem to describe you

As classic, genuine, and unique

But what they actually mean is

You’re an original vintage antique

AT MY ADVANCED AGE

 

At my advanced age

I've seen it all

I've heard it all

And I’ve done it all

The only problem is

I can remember bugger all

HOMO ERECTUS

 

When I get up in the morning gloom

I head straight for the bathroom

Although as I emerge from my coma

Straight is perhaps a misnomer

As I begin in a dwarf like state

Like a prehistoric primate

Becoming upright when I can

So, I look like the evolution of man

HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER

 

He was a serious swimmer

And was in the pool constantly

But his progress was halted

In his lane, by an elderly lady

“How long must I wait?” he asked

She replied “until I finish my pee”

ARE YOU WEARING A PONYTAIL?

 

Are you wearing a ponytail?

Don’t you think that look is stale?

Even at its most dizzy height

That look never looked quite right

 

So, what were you thinking?

When you decided to have it done

It’s not appropriate for you

Now you’ve just turned eighty-one

THE FADING LIGHT OF THE EVENING

 

The fading light of the evening

Mirrors the slow diminishing

Of my own dwindling light

As we both head towards the night

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I’M SEVENTY THREE

 

It’s my birthday today and I’m seventy three

And I’m fit as a fiddle, nothing wrong with me

Although my memory's not like it used to be

And also my memory's not like it used to be

I’M HAPPIER NOW I’VE GOTTEN OLDER

 

I’m happier now I’ve gotten older,

I’ve learned to ignore the negative

And care less what people think

So now it’s easier to be positive

I DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT

 

I don’t complain about

My silver hair and wrinkled face

I’ve lived a long life

And laughed more than my share

I’m content as so many

Of my generation never laughed,

And so many died before

Their hair has time to turn grey

CHRONIC CONTRADICTION

 

I am definitely not getting past it

I’m sorry I have to contradict

But my back trouble is a result

Of being Athletic, not arthritic

MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

 

As I stood on my drive

I saw cracking little lass

Bend over on the footpath

Showing me her ass

 

My high blood pressure

Went up even more

Then my pacemaker

Opened the garage door

FEEL YOUR AGE

 

You know I still feel

"Young at heart"

But considerably older

In every other part

SHE WAS SILVER HAIRED

 

She was silver haired

And her face was lined

But she was content

And felt blessed

To have lived long enough

To have grey hair,

And to have had

Such a happy life

That the laughter of her youth

Was etched into her face