MIDDLE AGED HOLIDAY

 

I knew I had reached Middle age

We I went on holiday to Valetta

And among summer clothes

In my suitcase was a sweater

WE NEEDED A FAMILY HOLIDAY

 

We needed a family holiday

But lack of finances can restrict

So I had to take them all

Up to the Off Peak District

I’VE STARTED PLANNING MY HOLIDAY

 

I’ve started planning my holiday

Last year I went to the Canary Islands

And didn’t see a single canary

So, this year I’m going to the Virgin Islands

I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL

 

I was hanging out by the pool

When I was on holiday in Spain

But someone kindly let me know

So, I tucked it back in again

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 6

 

“No hairdressers at the resort”

The sign said at the resort 

My wife is a hairdresser

And she was totally distraught

BACK FROM PORT OF SPAIN

 

I have just come back from

Trinidad’s Port of Spain

It was a once in a lifetime trip

I can only say, never again

ARE YOU WEARING A SOMBRERO?

 

Are you wearing a sombrero?

Have you been somewhere in the sun?

I was told you were in Cahoots

I didn’t believe it for a second hon.

I told them you can’t go there alone

You have to be there with someone.

ON HOLIDAY IN THE WEST COUNTRY

 

On holiday in the West Country,

During a recreational pursuit

I discovered that Plymouth Hoe

Was not a Devonian Prostitute

WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES

We were shopping for holiday clothes

And we were very nearly done

When my wife reached the swimwear

“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

She asked me so I replied “get a bikini”

'You will never get it all in one”

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 2

 

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable

Who have a novel approach to automation

You are not prohibited to own a motor car

Unless it is Pink, making them a Pink Car-nation

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

However I may end up in Sane

How I get there, I don’t know

As they don't have an airport

You can be driven there though

BRITISH LADS ABROAD

 

British lads abroad

On the pull

Like what they see

With undiscerning eye

Out to play

Looking for an easy lay

On another 18-30 holiday

 

BRITISH GIRLS ABROAD

 

British girls abroad

Fake tanned

Everything on display

Easy virtue

Easy lay

Begging for it?

Gagging for it?

Looking for it?

Perhaps not

But they know the way

DON’T GO IN THE WATER

I don’t like swimming in the sea

I don’t care what you say it’s not for me

It’s not that I’m scared of sharks or eels

Or that I don’t like how a jelly fish feels

It’s not even because of stone fish stings

Or the flotsam and jetsam the tide brings

You may think my phobia quite absurd

But I can’t be swimming along with a turd 

18-30 HOLS

 

I love the 18-30 hols

Making out with the foreign dolls

Some of them are just a bit flirty

Some of them are just plain dirty

Some of them are straight laced

Some of them are just two faced

And tell you No to your face

Then you see to their disgrace

They don’t have any underwear

Wearing nothing at all down there

Zonda pantaloon, uden undies

Nashi cami, fuera frillies

Bez briefs, No hose, senza smalls

Nicht knicks, Sans pants, bugger all

No thongs, panties or bloomers,

No knickers, big pants or drawers

Ilman, Gan, Sin, Uten, Utan, without

The dirty little minx’s are wearing nout

I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE

 

I love it at the seaside out of season

When the bathers are not there

The beaches are no longer sun kissed

The sands are empty and bare

 

I love it at the seaside

On a bright sunny winters day

When you can stroll along

With out people getting in the way

 

You pick your way along the shore

Picking up driftwood and shells

Skim stones across the water

Without soliciting angry yells

 

I love it at the seaside

The deck chairs are all stored away

On the sea front all is quiet

And the car park is free all day

 

I love it at the seaside

The shops are shut and battened down

All the amusement arcades are shut

But not the Rose and Crown

Uncanny Tales – (018) Lustful Intent In The Glens

 

It was a warm summer’s night in 1974 and Marilyn and I were in a tent together when all at once the flaps flew open, that would’ve been the tent flaps obviously and not hers.

“What’s going on in here?” the voice said through the opening

I was lying under my sleeping bag naked from the waist down and Marilyn was kneeling fully clothed, well almost, on an adjacent one.

The voice belonged to her father Ronald

“I might have known Cooper would be in his pit” he continued pompously

Her father was a pompous git of the first order and I had known him for quite a few years and we didn’t get on even before I started feeling up his daughter.

We were staying on a camp site in Perth and Kinross that was once a working railway station before it fell afoul of Dr Beeching and his cuts, in a place called Lochearnhead.

So that explains where we were, though not why we were alone together in a tent on a warm summer evening in Scotland.

We had been seeing each other for about 3 months and we had reached the point on that holiday where a kiss and a grope in the woods and a bit of fingering in the unisex toilets wasn’t enough for her and she wanted to go to the next level.

The reason we found ourselves in my tent was that Janice, the girl Marilyn shared with was entertaining a waiter from the local hotel in hers.

We had been planning the deed for about 3 days prior to that night as it was to be the first time for both of us.

But in the end, as first times go it was pretty rubbish, in fact even at the time I wasn’t even sure it qualified as a first time.

As I managed to get myself into a condom but I wasn’t entirely convinced that I got into her before the incident came to a premature end.

Which is why she was almost fully dressed by the time Ronald arrived.

“Get back to your own tent young lady” he said

“You’re so embarrassing Dad, Nothing happened” she responded which if I’m perfectly honest was the truth.

“I’ll deal with you later” Ronald said

“For God’s sake Dad, We didn’t do anything” Marilyn said, which was true enough though it wasn’t for the want of trying.

As they both walked off into the distance still arguing I thought she looked really horny especially as I knew she had her “Love is…” knickers stuffed in her pocket.

Unlike the young of today we were incredibly naïve about sex back then, we were so much less aware.

Fortunately we were both virgins and Marilyn had no high expectations for the night, having no yardstick to measure it by.

So I got a second bite of the cherry so to speak which I took a couple of days later in the heathered hills of Glen Ogle and afterwards were left in no doubt whatsoever that we had had our first time.

 

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 6

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

One possibility is in suspense

That makes the adrenalin flow

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 3

 

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable

The people suffered poverty and starvation

All the inhabitants had to live in their cars

It was the first time I’d come across an in-car-nation

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 4

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

I have never been in Flexible

But I really don’t know

I think it’s important to stand firm

So, I would have to say no