ARE YOU WEARING CHAPS?

 

Are you wearing chaps?

And that perfectly fine of course

Apart from the one little fact

That you can’t ride a horse

ARE YOU WEARING A TEN GALLON HAT?

Are you wearing a ten-gallon hat?

Well, no there’s nothing wrong with that

And after all it does have to be said

You do have a ten-gallon head

A MAN WALKED INTO A CROWDED BAR

A man walked into a crowded bar

With a loaded gun and shouted

"Who’s been shagging my sister?”

In case his intent was doubted

He raised the gun and took aim

And fired the gun to demonstrate

A lone voice shouted from the back

"You don't have enough bullets mate"

THE GUNFIGHTER

 

A young cowboy was sat in the saloon

One Saturday night looking his best

When an old man walked into the bar

Who was once the fastest gun in the West

 

The cowboy sidled up to the old shootist

He bought him a two fingered whiskey tot

And without looking at him he asked
“Can you give me a tip to be a great shot?”

He said, “You're wearing your gun too high,

Tie the holster a little lower down your thigh”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun

And shot off the piano player’s bow tie

Then he said, “now, where the hammer

Hits the leather, cut a notch in your holster”

The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun

And shot the cuff link off piano player

 
“That's great” said the kid “Got any more tips?”
The shootist said “now go and coat your gun

Thoroughly in axle grease including the handle”

The kid went outside returning with it done

“Will this make me a better shot?” he asked
“No” said the old gunman “but Ringo

Will shove that gun right up your arse,

When he finishes playing the piano”

TO HERO FROM VILLAIN

 

I have been researching my family history of late

And I have found an ancestor who was not great

Now his name was Captain Edward Stanton-Hyde

And he was a great, great uncle on my father’s side

Dishonourably discharged for stealing from the mess

He went to make his fortune in the old Wild West

He was lacking the most basic form of decency

And was hanged for horse theft and train robbery

On an old photograph he is pictured on the gallows

And a brief history of his life in crime then follows

In eighteen eighty-five convicted of Horse theft

Sent to Territorial Prison stayed two years and left

In eighteen eighty-seven he robbed the Flyer six times

Two years later he was hanged for his many crimes

This is all very embarrassing and not for circulation

However, this can be sanitized with a little imagination

I can easily scan and edit the infamous photograph

And rewrite his life story in as little as a paragraph

Captain Stanton-Hyde ex-soldier of the British army

And a very famous cowboy in the Wild West territory

His business included valuable equestrian acquisitions

And he dealt very closely with the railway institutions

In eighteen eighty-five he devoted his time it appears

To service in a federal facility for a number of years

In eighty-seven he resumed his work with the railways

And he spent long periods away setting the trail ablaze

At this time, he worked closely with the law throughout

Two years later his life was suddenly snuffed out

At a civil function held in the honour of the captain

The platform collapsed upon which he was standing

LONG AGO IN THE OLD WILD WEST

 

Long ago in the

        Old Wild West

With empty pockets

         In his vest

Into the frontier

        Town of Conroy

Rode a ragged

        Looking cowboy

He tied up by

       The towns hotel

And found a man

       A tale to tell

He said that he

       Had bad luck

And all he needed

       Was a buck

The man took him

       To the saloon

Saying if you drink       

          From the spittoon

Ill give you fifty

       Take time to think

Fifty dollars

       If you take a drink

The cowboy nodded

        And then said yes

He was willing

       Well more or less

He held the spittoon

       Up to his lip

He took a breath

       And then a sip

He drank his fill

       Till all was gone

The man paid up

       And said well done

You really earned

       This money well

 But I must say this

       If truth to tell

I would have paid you

       Just to try

You did not need

       To drink it dry

Why didn’t you stop?

       Are you a chump?

I couldn’t stop

       It was in one lump