ITS TIME TO HAUL OUT THE HOLLY

 

Let’s haul out the holly

And I’ll make you blush

If you would just let me

Trim your Christmas bush

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

During the Christmas season

Walk up to them and say

“They call me Jingle Bells

Because I go all the way”

THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE

 

The latest gossip is in from the North Pole

And the Claus’s have divorced you know

So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?

Because he found out she was a ho ho ho

SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS

 

Scrooge hates Christmas

But loves all of the reindeer

And the simple reason for that is

To him every buck is dear

YOU CAN LIKEN WOMEN’S BREASTS

 

You can liken women’s breasts to a

Birthday gift of a train set, for lads

They were originally meant for kids

But who gets to play with them, Dads

ARE YOU WEARING A BUNCH OF MISTLETOE?

 

Are you wearing a bunch of mistletoe?

Well, you certainly mean business

Isn’t that overkill? “Less is more” after all

But you know what you’re doing I guess

Are you aiming at a particular beau?

Do you have a target in mind?

Or are you more indiscriminate

Scattergun like or something of the kind

Oh, so there is an object of your affections

Is it perhaps someone that I know?

It’s someone I know very well indeed?

I still don’t know the identity of your beau

It’s me? I’m the one you desire?

You want to kiss me beneath the mistletoe?

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

During the Christmas season

Walk up and simply ask her

“If she would like to meet

Santa's little helper?”

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS

 

Do you know what Santa brings naughty

Boys and girls so they are not excluded?

It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that

Its batteries, labelled "toy not included"

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS

 

The difference between Santa Claus

And a serial philanderer as it goes

Is in essence a total lack of self-control

Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

ARE YOU WEARING AN ELF OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing an elf outfit?

Does it come with all the kit?

Pixie boots and a floppy hat

The green tights and all that

If you come to the grotto with me

You can call me Santa and sit on my knee

A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL

 

A chickpea and a lentil, what is

The difference between that brace?

It’s simple really because no one

Ever paid to have a lentil on their face

ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing a green Christmas outfit?

You look very beautiful in it

In fact, you look very cute

In your Santa’s little helper suit

A Christmas hat sits atop your curls

In a way only suited to girls

A beautiful green velvet dress

And white fur trim to impress

Striped woollen legs of green and white

Are they stocking or tights?

Stockings would be in reason

More in keeping with the season

But I would not disparage woolly tights

They too have their own delights

Come and help me trim the tree

And say you dressed this way for me?

I AM WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?

 

I am wearing a contented expression?

And all that is necessarily attached

I’m a man and at the end of the day

And if it itches, it will be scratched

THERE MAY WELL BE, AS THEY SAY

 

There may well be, as they say

“Plenty of fish in the sea”

But until I catch myself a cod

I'm left holding my rod

ONCE I FOUND OUT THAT MASTURBATING

 

Once I found out that masturbating

Was an addictive habit

I knew from that very moment on

That I just had to beat it

I LOVE THE HUMAN BODY

I love the human body though some

Bits more than others I must confess

And I thank God for nipples, as without

Them breasts would be pointless

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing a Santa outfit?

Does it come with all the kit?

The boots and beard and hat

And padding to make you look fat

I didn’t believe in Santa anymore

Now I see you and I think phwor

I REALLY ENJOYED OUR DATE

 

I really enjoyed our date

I’m so glad that you rang

It was a brilliant Guy Fawkes

Night that ended with a bang

MY BONFIRE NIGHT CRACKER

 

My Bonfire night cracker

Always good for a thrill

My favourite little sparkler

I like to call “Catherine will”

BANGERS AND SPARKLERS

 

Bangers and sparklers

Weren’t the fireworks

At the Bonfire night party

But the girls I invited