THE ANTELOPE AND THE GAZELLE

I dreamed one night that an Antelope,

Loved a Gazelle and planned to elope

But at the moment they expected least

A jealous Wildebeest crashed the feast 

THE PHILANDERING POLAR BEAR

 

The philandering Polar Bear

Took a fancy to a kangaroo

But when she stole his heart

He knew he’d met his waterloo

I LOVE FOOT PUMPS

 

I love foot pumps

I think they are really neat

And are particularly good

If you have flat feet

WHAT A SILLY ASS

 

What a silly Ass

So Asinine

Quite complacent

That ass of mine

HARE OF THE DOG

 

I need a bit of a pick me up

After a very boozy lunch

A “hare of the dog” is the thing

After too much Rabbit Punch

I WAS ASKED THE OTHER DAY

 

I was asked the other day

If I knew of a divine ruler

I said no but I did have

A rather sweet tape measure

THE LARGE HUNG-OVER NORTHERN ELK

 

The morning after the night before

When his head is like a helter-skelta

The large hung-over northern Elk

Has to reach for the Elka-seltza

MOOSE ON THE LOOSE

 

When a Moose goes on holiday

He likes nothing better

Than eating the local cuisine

Especially the Moosesaka

THE CARIBOU COLLECTIVE

 

The Caribou is the soberest beast

A wandering woodsman could meat

But get them in a group of threes or twos

They soon become the Caribooze

THE MERITS OF FERRETS

 

The merits of ferrets

Are the traits he inherits

For hunting the rabbit

In the place they inhabit

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 7

You can take a horse to water

But you can’t teach it to suck eggs

Do unto others before their death

Every dog has a silver lining

Every cloud has his day

Glass houses make jack a dull boy

A bird in the hand is a penny earned

A new broom sweeps many a slip

All roads lead to the stable door

Caesar's wife begins at home

Don't throw the baby out with grandma

A WEASEL AND A STOAT?

 

What's the difference between

A weasel and a stoat?

They can both be used

To make a fine coat

So that’s not the answer

Well, no need to lament

One's weasily recognized

The other stoatly different.

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 6

 

The spa wrangled planner

No, the Tsar bangled tanner

The bra strangled Hannah

Or the scar dangled manor

The car mangled spanner

Or the bar tangled scanner

No, it’s the Star Spangled Banner

RUDELY AWAKENED

 

I leapt up out of bed,

And I opened the door

In my pyjamas,

Wow I’d not noticed it before

What a very odd place

For there to be a door

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 5

 

The hand on the knee

No, the bland of the tea

Or the stand of the tree

The gland of the pea

Or the band of the free

No, the sand of the flea

The brand of the ski

No, it’s the Land of the Free

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 4

I see birds in herds

Freaks with beaks

Tykes on bikes

Mancs in tanks

Bowsers in trousers

Paedo’s in speedos

Perverts in skirts

Streakers in sneakers

Coppers in toppers

Scouses in blouses

Weirdo’s in hairdos

And I ask myself

What was in that roll up? 

POLTERGEIST?

 

Poltergeist

Polterghost

Poltergoose

Poltergeists

Polterghosts

Poltergeese

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 2

 

I see Dogs in clogs

Cats in spats

Goats in coats

Flies in ties

Llamas in pyjamas

I think I drink

Too much caffeine

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 1

 

Living life in cartoons

A happy life in Looney tunes

Incomprehensible croons

Beneath silvery moons

Shooting at pink balloons

With captain Ahab’s harpoons

Spending Sunday afternoons

Chatting with baboons

Playing cricket in the dunes

With chipmunks and raccoons

Eating out of date prunes

With runcible spoons

THE USES OF GOOSES # 1

 

One use of a goose

Is as a guard goose

As part of their charm

They give the alarm

However, guard geese

Aren’t easy to cease