21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 186

 

A wise old owl

Lived in an oak

He kept to himself

And he seldom spoke

Now that’s what you want in a neighbour

ARE YOU WEARING PIXIE BOOTS?

 

Are you wearing pixie boots?

Well they really are beauties

I’ve always had a soft spot

For little woodland cuties

So let me carry you away

Like a prized piece of booty

To a woodland clearing

Where we can get really fruity

TRAFFIC COP – SERIOUS BUMMER

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But avoid the obvious bummer

By not asking the cop

If he is dumb or dumber

THE IDLE RHYTHM

The idle rhythm

Of Her song

Soothes the soul

And cools like balm

The molten heat

Of raw desire

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 1

 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour, are not dead

But are doing a Piano cabaret act

On a cruise ship instead

I’VE ENROLLED MY WIFE # 1

 

I’ve enrolled my wife

On an evening class, so that

She can learn how

To adjust the thermostat

YOU ARE TRULY MIDDLE AGED

 

You are truly middle aged

When your twilight is dawning

And you still believe you will

Feel better in the morning

THE DIARY OF A VIRGIN

  

The diary of a Virgin

Is a very short read

As there are within

No entries indeed

LAST NIGHT I HAD FOR MY TEA

 

Last night I had for my tea

A delicious beef stew

With dumplings, better known

As my wife Sue

SLUMBER WARNING (IP)

 

There is a limit to how early

You might go to your repose

Or you might end up retiring

Before you actually arose

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 185

 

The big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh

The ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh

Oh, the big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh

Just off the coast of Somalia

ARE YOU WEARING TWEEDS?

 

Are you wearing tweeds?

Well that certainly exceeds

Your rather arousing apparel

Really brings out the feral

Complimented by stout hardy shoes

In my own Victorian views

And I wouldn’t knock

Some good country stock

Let me help you over this stile

As I think all the while

How to best meet my needs

Of getting inside your tweeds

THE GREATEST QUESTION

 

The greatest question

Has no answer

It is neither yes or no

 

The great question is

"What does a woman want?"

And I just don’t know

I REMEMBER THE DAYS BEFORE I MARRIED

 

I remember the days before I married

And what I was able to do

And I remember with a wistful heart

I could do anything I wanted to

TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work but

When talking to the constabulary

Avoid reminding them

Exactly who pays their salary

MY WIFE GOT A MUDPACK

My wife got a mudpack

And she looked great

Until two days later

It fell off her face mate 

HOBBIES ARE VERY IMPORTANT

 

Hobbies are very important

Even for planners and plotters

I think everyone needs a hobby

I myself count train spotters

HORSES FOR COURSES

 

Horses for courses

Or opposites attracting

There is no formula

At times of interacting

 

It doesn’t matter

If they are that or this

I just know in my heart

I’m a hit for my miss

I AM FROM THE CARIBBEAN

 

I am from the Caribbean

And I find cooking very hard

But I do one thing very well

RhuBarbados and custard

WHAT ARE THE POINT OF PEARLS?

 

What are the point of pearls?

If not strung in elaborate swirls

About the necks of pretty girls

Or on tiaras amidst their curls

For Girls bring lustre to the pearls

And pearls add beauty to the girls

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 184

 

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies

How I hate runny noses

"A tissue! A tissue!"

Then throw it in the bin!

ARE YOU WEARING A HAT?

 

Are you wearing a hat?

What’s the point of that?

It’s often been said

You have an unsuitable head

And not just for millinery

It’s a little bit scary

And the hat doesn’t help

You made that boy yelp

So take off the hat

And that will be that

The hat will be gone

And the bag put back on

TRAFFIC COP – DO YOU KNOW?

 

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

The cop asked me like a typical fuzz

“No officer I don’t, I hope you do, 

I think it’s important that one of us does”

ELECTRONIC BANKING # 2

Electronic banking

Is the way it is done

Lightning fast transfers

At the touch of a button

 

Though not necessarily

The fastest way of course

Nothing transfers funds

Faster than divorce 

AS YOU ARE THE VICAR

 

As you are the Vicar

You marry people every day

But it was me who married you

On our wedding day

And your greatest pleasure

Is when I lift up your cassock

And take you from behind

As you kneel on a hassock

CAMILLA AND QUENTIN

 

Camilla Titt-Wank

Went to the hunt ball

And it was well known

She’d have anyone at all

 

She danced all night with

Quentin Tea-Bagg

But he went off at the end

With Oliver Rough-Shagg

TAMARA AND PANDORA

 

Tamara Split-Whiskers

Loved Pandora ffanny-ffarte

Pandy still had her cherry

But Tammy had lost her heart

And though she tried hard

With miss ffanny-ffarte

She still couldn’t prize

Her skinny thighs apart

AT STONEHENGE, THE DRUIDS

 

At Stonehenge, the druids

Exchange bodily fluids

At the temple to the sun

As the solstice begun

Dressed up like loons

And barking at the moon

THE GUNFIGHTER

 

A young cowboy was sat in the saloon

One Saturday night looking his best

When an old man walked into the bar

Who was once the fastest gun in the West

 

The cowboy sidled up to the old shootist

He bought him a two fingered whiskey tot

And without looking at him he asked
“Can you give me a tip to be a great shot?”

He said, “You're wearing your gun too high,

Tie the holster a little lower down your thigh”
The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun

And shot off the piano player’s bow tie

Then he said, “now, where the hammer

Hits the leather, cut a notch in your holster”

The kid adjusted his rig then drew his gun

And shot the cuff link off piano player

 
“That's great” said the kid “Got any more tips?”
The shootist said “now go and coat your gun

Thoroughly in axle grease including the handle”

The kid went outside returning with it done

“Will this make me a better shot?” he asked
“No” said the old gunman “but Ringo

Will shove that gun right up your arse,

When he finishes playing the piano”

MY MUM WENT TO THE SALON

 

My mum went to the salon

She was in there for hours

But she didn’t get a face pack

She was beyond their powers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 183

 

"Who killed Cock Robin?"

"I," said the Sparrow,

"With my bow and arrow,

 I killed Cock Robin."

“You’re nicked then son”

Said Inspector Bird

From Scotland Yard

ARE YOU WEARING A LEER?

 

Are you wearing a leer?

That’s out of order I fear

You are lustfully gazing

At the young and amazing

With lascivious thoughts

Ogling good looking sorts

Well only one of us can spy

And that letch is I

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY PUTZ

 

When the police caught me speeding

My eyes were strained and blinking

I was pulled over by a putz

 

Who said “Your eyes look red,

Have you been drinking?”

So, with no ifs or buts

 

“Your eyes look glazed”

I responded without thinking

“Have you been eating doughnuts?”

MY BROTHER SAYS HIS WIFE IS AN ANGEL

 

My brother says his wife is an angel

He is deliriously happy with things

I think he’s lucky as I can’t wait

To have mine fitted for her wings

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY CONTENTED LIFE

 

The secret to a happy contented life

Should you ever decide, to take a wife

Whenever you are wrong, admit it

Whenever you are right just shut it

REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS CAN BE TRICKY

 

Remembering birthdays can be tricky

And forgetting can leave the wicket sticky

The best way to remember an important date

Is to forget it - but just the one time mate

ELECTRONIC BANKING # 1

 

Electronic banking

Is a wonderful thing

Lightning fast transfers

In the modern age

 

Though not the fastest

By any shape or means

Nothing transfers funds

Faster than marriage

TWO SIDES OF THE SAME TUPPENCE

 

My wife and I are like

Two sides of the same tuppence

We can’t face each other

So I guess we got our comeuppance

FORGIVENESS IS THE FORMULA

 

Forgiveness is the formula

For a marriage happy and long

So my wife always forgives me

Especially when she's wrong

IN ORDER TO DO GREAT THINGS

 

In order to do great things

A woman must inspire him

While simultaneously

Preventing his achieving them

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 182

 

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
Got an itch, Got an itch;
Coming down the chimney,
Coming down the chimney;
On his snitch, On his snitch.

ARE YOU WEARING A SMIRK?

 

Are you wearing a smirk?

I thought you’d been to work

But you decided you would shirk

With that good looking clerk

Brilliant so I get to look a berk

While you get to wear a smirk

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO CLEVER

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

Don’t say to the men in blue

“That's great the last cop

Only gave me a warning too” 

HOW MANY YEARS BAD LUCK

 

How many years bad luck

Would upon you fall?

If you were clumsy enough

To break a mirror ball

IF IT TASTES LIKE BUTTER

 

If it tastes like butter

In your sandwich

And you can spread it

Straight from the fridge

Then you’ve probably

Had a power outage

ONE JUMP OR TWO

 

The only difference between

Parachuting and prostitution

Are the number of jump’s

Required for qualification

MY BEST FRIEND STOLE MY WIFE

 

My best friend stole my wife

But I decided not to get bitter

And got my revenge on him

Because I let him keep her

COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT

Communication is very important

Especially conversationally

So, I have a few words for her

And she has paragraphs for me

THE SECRET TO A LONG HAPPY MARRIAGE

 

The secret to a long happy marriage

Is soft music and candlelight dinners

As long as you don’t go together

And then you’ll both be winners

I WEEP AT THE TERRIBLE

I weep at the terrible

Bad luck in my life

For example

My first wife

She left me

After a few years

My second one has stayed,

Hence the tears 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 181

Mary wore a little skirt

And she liked to go commando

And everyone from roundabout

Could see her down below

ARE YOU WEARING A PONYTAIL?

 

Are you wearing a ponytail?

Don’t you think that look is stale?

Even at its most dizzy height

That look never looked quite right

 

So, what were you thinking?

When you decided to have it done

It’s not appropriate for you

Now you’ve just turned eighty-one

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO FUNNY

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

So, say to the men in blue

“You don’t need to check

In the boot, do you?”

MY BOSS DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM

 

My Boss doesn’t go to the gym

But it’s not a case of him being slack  

He gets all the exercise he needs

Just by stabbing people in the back

OUR COMPUTERS WENT DOWN

 

Our computers went down

At the office today

So, we had to do things

The old-fashioned way

But Doris had a pack of cards

So, playing cards was ok

WHETHER THEY MAY WIN OR LOSE

 

Whether they may win or lose

Or whether they think its right

Our soldiers don’t get to choose

Which wars that they fight

IT WAS AT SOUTHWAITE SERVICES

 

It was at Southwaite services

Where I stopped though in a rush

And experienced for the first time

The disconcerting autoflush

 

I’m sure it’s quite an innovation

But it doesn’t work for me

When auto flush sprinkled my

Undercarriage Mid delivery

MY DAD WASN’T A VERY GOOD PIRATE

 

My dad wasn’t a very good pirate

I would go so far as to say he stank

We couldn’t even afford a dog

So, he made me walk the plank

MY SONS ADHD MEDICINE

 

My sons ADHD medicine

Is in liquid form

And comes in a bottle

As would be the norm

 

But beneath the label

Is written “Concentrate”

Well, if he could

That would be great

I USED TO ENJOY DIPPING

 

I used to enjoy dipping,

A Ginger Nut in hot tea

But that’s now considered

Bullying apparently

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 180

"Oranges and Lemons"

Say the Bells of St. Clements

“Shut the fuck up”

Say the Bells of 14 King William Street

ARE YOU WEARING COMBINATIONS?

 

Are you wearing combinations?

I must say with total resignation

It’s not the sexiest underwear

For you to be wearing under there

TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING

 

When a cop stopped me for speeding

They fined me one hundred pounds

“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”

But the traffic officer stood his ground

Then he looked at me and responded

“But there are no other cars around”

“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred

And I was still losing ground

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

 

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym

And he hasn’t yet come unstuck  

As he gets all the exercise he needs

Entirely by pushing my luck

WHEN MY FIRST SON WAS BORN

 

My wife wanted me at the birth

I had to grin and bear it and pretend

Although I had to be at the birth

I wasn’t going down the tripey end

 

I stood and stared open mouthed

Full of pride and with regrets

As he came into the world

Like a bag of screaming jiblets

STATE SANCTIONED ASSASSINATION

 

State sanctioned assassination

Of a foreign émigré

But Polonium poisoning

Seems a preposterous way

To assassinate anyone

Whatever anyone might say

SHE WAS A FORCE OF NATURE

 

When she was a young woman

She was a force of nature

But she is a force to be reckoned with

Now she is mature

INCENTIVE SCHEME

 

If your staff tell you an

Incentive scheme is desired

Say “I have one for you”

Work hard or get fired

AFTER MY HOLIDAY

 

After my holiday

My inbox was full

And the backlog

Was diabolical

 

After four hours

However, it transpired

From an email I found

That I was fired

IF YOU’RE LONELY AT WORK

 

If you’re lonely at work

And you find it self-defeating

There is only one thing for it

And that is to call a meeting

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 179

 

Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,

Then joined by his mate they looked so twee

So, I shot them for being too damned happy

ARE YOU WEARING A TATTOO?

 

Are you wearing a tattoo?

It’s very appropriate for you

But the meaning might not please

As it says, “fat bloke” in Chinese

TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

Providing you’re careful

And avoid any reference

To the Village People

 

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

 

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym

He has no need of their facilities  

As he gets all the exercise he needs

Just by dodging his responsibilities

GOING VEGETARIAN

 

Going vegetarian

They say is very wholesome

My only concern

Is having to eat a whole one

GREAT ROYAL WIFE NEFERTITI

 

Great Royal wife Nefertiti

Was the Ancient Egyptian Queen

Good time girl Nefertutu

Is just a modern dancing Queen

THE ENGLAND OF WINSTON

 

The England of Winston

Did it ever exist?

Those days long past

When we had our finest hour

 

The England of Winston

When national pride

Was not frowned upon

But openly celebrated

 

The England of Winston

Must be an invention

For it is so far removed

From what I see today

 

England without Winston

Is not pride worthy

It has no identity

And no sense of itself

I MESSED ABOUT A LOT AT SCHOOL

 

I messed about a lot at school

And always played the fool

So I was expelled from school

And spent my time playing pool

And turned out a proper tool

KOWTOW IN MACAO

 

Do you remember?

In old Macao

I greeted you

With an elaborate bow

You responded

With a formal Kowtow

Then I said hello

And you said Ciao

But the formality

Was just for show

So anyone looking

Just wouldn’t know

That the two of us

In that tableaux

Were more familiar

And all aglow

In the privacy

Of the chateaux

MY CHILDREN AND MY PARENTS

 

My children and my parents

Despite the span of years

Have so much in common

Which is how it certainly appears

The complete nonsense they talk

The strange clothes they wear

None of them have jobs

They’re all familiar with drugs

And have ridiculous coloured hair

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 178

 

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
Left his bag, Left his bag;
Up beside the chimney,
Up beside the chimney;
What a drag, what a drag.

ARE YOU WEARING A PIXIE CUT?

Are you wearing a pixie cut?

God that must really annoy

When people keep telling you that

It makes you look like a boy 

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY OFFICER

 “I have to book you” the Officer said

“In the hope that you won’t do it again sir”

“No it won’t happen again” I said

“As I won’t forget to plug in my radar detector”

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 3

 

My wife doesn’t go to the gym

She’s the fittest lass around

As she gets all the exercise she needs

Just from running people down

ROMAN CERES

 

Roman Ceres

Guardian of the harvest

Goddess of the corn

Mother of Proserpina

Goddess of fertility

Protector of matrimony

MY KIDS ARE STILL MAD AT ME

 

I put Ginger in the Casserole

I am in trouble as is the habit

I thought it was very tasty

But they really loved that rabbit

CHERYL COLE LIKE OTHER CELEBS

 

Cheryl Cole like other celebs

Feels she’d like to do her bit

And she wants to fight Malaria

Because you’re worth it

TWO OVERWEIGHT LADS

 

Two overweight lads were in the pub

“Your round” one of them suddenly said

The other one took instant offence and

Replied “So are you, you great fat head”

VOLCANOES ARE TERRIFYING

 

Volcanoes are terrifying

Just the thought of them is frightful

But pyroclastic eruptions

That’s just Nature at its most spiteful

WE WERE KIDS IN WORN OUT SHOES

 

We were kids in worn out shoes

And we’d gamble in one or twos

With liquorice and penny chews

On any contest we’d choose

But if we were then to lose

We’d sing the sweetie bar blues

SHE LOOKED TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

 

She looked gorgeous in

Black stockings and stiletto shoes

But after we got naked

I was singing the lady boy blues

 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 177

Mary had a girl friend

Who dressed just like a man

And they spent their evenings

As only special girlfriends can

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE SHOES?

 

Are you wearing sensible shoes?

And substantial winter tights

What a wonderful combination

I can’t express how that delights

How comfortably cosy you will be

On the long cold winter nights

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

 

“I’m sorry” the Officer said

“That I have to give you a ticket sir”

“I’m sorry too” I said “That I forgot

To plug in my radar detector”

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

 

My wife doesn’t go to the gym

She’s as skinny as a candle

As she gets all the exercise she needs

Just from flying off the handle

FAVOURITE CAR

 

To find our favourite car

A survey has been done

And women have declared

That it is a red one

MY SOLICITOR SAID

 

My solicitor said

That he would get me

A very good Barrister

 

“I don’t need” I said

“Someone making coffee 

Just get me a lawyer”

I AM TOTALLY UNAPPRECIATED AT WORK

 

I am totally unappreciated at work

I do a good job but unfortunately, I fear

It’s akin to dribbling in your trousers

When you’re wearing a dark pair

You get a comforting warm glow

But no one sees the piss patch there

DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE BOSS

 

Don’t worry about the boss

Finding out how little you do

Because he is the lazy shit

That’s more worried about you

TIGER, TIGER, BURNING BRIGHT

 

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright

In the forests of the night

Poachers perform their rite

And leave a bloody sight

OUR LONDON SCHOOL WAS AWASH

 

Our London school was awash

With drugs of various kinds

And it certainly wasn’t considered

A punishment to do lines

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 176

 

Lizzie Borden took a chopper

To use on her mother to top her

And the reason for the act you see

Was she made Lizzie eat her broccoli

ARE YOU WEARING WOOLLY TIGHTS?

 

Are you wearing woolly tights?

That’s one of my favourite sights

As the evenings begin to shorten

Well as they say winter draws on

DURING A PASSWORD AUDIT

 

During a password audit by the IT crowd,

They discovered something quite absurd

A young woman by the name of Bimbette

Who was using the following password

PughPughBarneyMcGrewCuthbertDibbleGrubb

And was told such a password was wrong

But Bimbette explained that she was told

Her password must be six characters long

SPEEDING TICKET

 

Bimbette was stopped for speeding

When asked to produce her license

She launched into a tirade of abuse

“This doesn’t make any bloody sense”

When the officer calmed her down

He asked Bimbette to explain

“Well you only took it away yesterday

And now you want to see it again”

TRAFFIC COP – HOLD IT

When the police pulled me over

The reason wasn’t exactly clear

It could have been the speeding

That caused the police to appear

Or running several red lights

Or my complete inability to steer

Any of the above would have done it

Of that I am perfectly clear

But what I said to the officer

Was what really swung it I fear

“I can easily reach my license

If you would hold my beer” 

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

 

My wife doesn’t go to the gym

She doesn’t suffer from delusions  

But she gets all the exercise she needs

Just from jumping to conclusions

PROS AND CONS FOR BECOMING A CAT OWNER

 

I was told I should buy a cat

“Why on earth would I do that?”

“They’re good company” they say

“And they keep the mice away”

Well eventually they convinced me

And I admit its good company

As to the expelling from my house

Of every type and size of mouse

They are a great disappointment

And their failure is evident

It is they who bring in a mouse

Into the comfort of my house

As a toy with which they play

But they let the toy get away

Now the mouse is here to stay

THE TASTE UPON MY LIPS

 

The taste upon my lips

Of My moonlight kiss

And to taste that kiss again

Is my one and only wish

STOP THE TB CULLING

 

Stop the TB culling?

Not on my nadgers

Save the hedgehogs

And cull the badgers

SHOP PC

 

I went shopping in

PC World yesterday

You really have to

Watch what you say

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 175

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard,

To get a bone for her Poodle

When she came there,

The cupboard was bare,

Apart from an expired pot noodle 

ARE YOU WEARING A SEAT BELT?

 

Are you wearing a seat belt?

Well, you must as it’s the law

Yes, I know its confining

But not as much as a mortuary draw

I WATCHED A RIVETING DOCUMENTARY

 

I watched a riveting documentary

On television last night

It was all about how ships were

Put together by shipwrights

MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S MIDDLE CLASS

 

My girlfriend says she’s middle class

And I laugh in her face

She’s clearly working class

Because at her dad’s place

They have a television

That’s bigger than their bookcase 

IT SEEMS THAT PORNOGRAPHY

 

It seems that pornography

Is frowned upon

But I think that’s just all

The concentration

MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S WORKING CLASS

 

My girlfriend says she’s working class

And I just have to laugh

As not one of them as far as I can see

Has ever worked in her family

IT’S NOT THE ANGLE OF DANGLE

 

It’s not the angle of dangle

That’s the measure of pleasure

It’s the moments in the afterglow

That we ultimately treasure

DO YOU WANT BABY SPINACH

 

“Do you want Baby Spinach?

Or Water Cress Dad”

My daughter asked me

And I went completely mad

“For God’s sake just choose one

It’s not Rocket Salad”

WHERE’S THE BLOODY TORCH

 

“Where’s the bloody Torch?”

My wife asked angrily

“I don’t know where it is

Perhaps you could enlighten me”

“Well not without the Torch”

I replied curtly

IT’S NOT THE SIZE OF A MAN

 

It’s not the size of a man

That marks him high or low

It’s what is in their hearts

That makes them grow

Just look around you

And you will also know

That the smaller being

Can cast a giant shadow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 174

 

Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,

He was joined by his mate, they looked so twee

They sang their little songs quite lustily

Then I threw a shoe at them you see

Because I didn’t get to bed till half past three

ARE YOU WEARING LINCOLN GREEN?

 

Are you wearing Lincoln green?

Do you really think you should?

Because this isn’t merry England

And you aren’t Robin Hood

HAS ANYONE EVER SAID TO YOU?

 

Has anyone ever said to you?

“Try and walk in someone else’s shoes”

Well, I find that for me the concept is

Quite problematic to my views

After all it would have to depend

Greatly on exactly whose shoes

I’M NOT SURE IF INDEED IT’S ME

 

I’m not sure if indeed it’s me

Or maybe its intentional irony

But you can hear the approach

Of the daily “Roach Coach”

The chime being the announcer

As it plays La Cucaracha

I HATE THE ONE PENCE PIECES

 

I hate the one pence pieces

5p’s and tuppence’s

I suppose you think it strange

But I simply don’t like change

AS WE APPROACHED THE AIRPORT

 

As we approached the airport

The warning light went on

And I had to return the stewardess

To the upright position

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND IS FROM GLASGOW

 

My new girlfriend is from Glasgow

And when I met her Father and Mother

I found they were incredibly posh, 

They served deep fried Ferrero Rocher

WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES

We all played Charades

At the in laws on Boxing Day

My wife’s Uncle Jack

Really went for it I must say

We were really impressed

By his energetic display

It was ten minutes before we knew

His heart had given way 

ON LIFE’S JOURNEY WE ARE ALL

 

On life’s journey we are all

Looking for the one

And I can safely say that I

Married the one

On a scale of one to ten

She was a one

WHEREVER MY FATHER IS RIGHT NOW # 2

 

Wherever my father is right now

I’m sure he’s looking down

He’s definitely not dead yet

He’s just a condescending git

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 173

 

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,

He got stuck, he got stuck;

Coming down the chimney,

Coming down the chimney;

Too much tuck, too much tuck.

ARE YOU WEARING UGG BOOTS?

 

Are you wearing ugg boots?

I’m just a little shocked Aunty Ruth

Yes, they are rather fun aren’t they

But to tell you the honest truth,

Without wanting to call you old,

They are more suited to the youth

HOW SINGS THE SAVAGE BEAST

 

How Sings the savage beast

With a heart full of misery

When held within the narrow

Bounds of his captivity

 

How Sings the savage beast

With a heart full of joy

When his confines evaporate

And he is as free as a boy

ALAS MEL SMITH

 

Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)

 

Mel Smith

Comedian and writer,

Film director,

Producer and actor

Jack of all trades

Master of all

I WAS AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY

 

I was at a fancy-dress party

And looking for something tarty

I was beginning to lose hope

When I got an unexpected grope

And I was forced to conclude

When things got decidedly rude

That for the very best nooky

You should do it with a Wooky

JULIUS CAESAR’S APPROACH

 

Julius Caesar’s approach

May have been absurd

But a different approach

Was what he preferred

Which is why he came,

He saw, he concurred

MY UNCLE GROWS VEG

 

My uncle grows veg

Not for eating though

He is after prizes

At the garden show

 

Every waking hour

He nurtures and nurses

Mixing up solutions

As he coaxes and coerces

 

Enormous Marrows

Giant Asparagus

Towering Celery

And humungous fungus

THEY LACK COMMON SENSE

 

They lack Common sense

Their failing is immense

But in their defence

It’s the addled essence

Of their adolescence

I PICKED UP A HITCHHIKER TODAY

 

I picked up a hitchhiker today

I know you’re not supposed to

But as I knocked him down

It was the least I could do

WHEREVER MY FATHER IS RIGHT NOW # 1

 

Wherever my father is right now

I’m sure he’s looking down

But assuredly He is not dead

He’s just on the roof stealing lead

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 172

 

Mary had a little horse

She rode bareback on her pony

But the little horse threw her off

Because her arse was bony

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING CHIC?

 

Are you wearing something chic?

On your figure oh so sleek

That’s beautifully figure hugger

To tantalise a horny bugger

AS JIMINY CRICKET FAMOUSLY SAID

As Jiminy Cricket famously said

“Let conscience be your guide”

It’s a simple enough philosophy

Listen to the voice of reason

Keep compassion in your heart

And integrity at your core

And you won’t go far wrong

HOW THEY EXPLOIT OUR COMPASSION

 

How they exploit our compassion

With emotional blackmail

They paint us

Pitiful tableaux’s

Of fly ridden waifs

Babies at barren breasts

Or portrait images

Of sad saucer eyed children

Beaten and bruised

Or maybe its pictures

Of Maltreated beasts

That pluck at your heartstrings

The tactics used are quite crude

But anything goes

In the “No holds barred”

World of charity fundraising

As long as they can extract

Our 3 pounds a month

While the poor unfortunates,

The sad stars of the charity show

Are merely lost leaders

RCN HYMN

 

From the wards of emphysema

To the floors of maternity

We are proud to all be members

Of the nursing fraternity

 

We work for the sake of patients

As keep our hospital clean:

And we fight the daily battles

In blue or white or green