THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED

 

The Airplane was invented

By an optimist

While the parachute was

Invented by a pessimist

I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM

 

I have a car that can transform

It’s a real super car

Although to be fare it’s only

Turned into a road so far

THEY ARE PLANNING A REMAKE

 

They are planning a remake

Of the classic “the railway children”

But it’s a low budget version

Called the bus replacement children

DON’T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS

 

“Don’t pick up hitchhikers”

I was told “don’t do it ever”

Unless of course it was you

Who actually ran them over

THE WORLD HAS BECOME A SMALLER PLACE

 

The world has become a smaller place

And it will never be a big world again

But wherever you go things are the same

I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane

RED MINI

 

My dad bought a new red Mini

He had it parked up at home

With a go faster stripe down the side

And brightly polished chrome

 

It had leather seats

And the dash was polished wood

It was nineteen sixty-two

And it looked like a Mini should

MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE

 

My Satnav is a very helpful device

But you don’t need to take its advice

Sometimes you have to give it a rest

Because it doesn’t always know best

I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV

 

I bought myself a Satnav

I got in the car, turned it on

And I put it on my dash

 

And it told me where I was

Like I didn’t know already

What a waste of bloody cash

MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS

 

My Satnav has audible alarms

They make each journey fraught

So, I think I’ll trade it in

And buy the silent sort

I DON’T HAVE A SATNAV

 

I don’t have a Satnav

I don’t need one in my life

l have something better

My Satnav is my wife

I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER

 

I followed a car with a bumper sticker

“Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist

Then I was almost run off the road

By what must have been a Gynaecologist

AN EMPTY TANGO

 

An empty tango

Tin can

Propelled by

A careless hand

Through the window

As the car sped

Set it dancing

The tin can fandango

In balletic style

It rhythmically moves

Doing the

The litterbug Jitterbug

WHEN I IGNORED THE SATNAV

 

When I ignored the Satnav

I actually heard it scoff

And when I said “I’ll go my way”

It told me to sod off

THE ROYAL CHARTER STORM

 

The Royal Charter storm

Which blew up out of the Irish Sea

Takes its name from one ship

Out of the 133 ships

Sunk on the 25 and 26 October 1859

With a further 80 damaged

And a death toll of 800

EAST INDIAMAN ARNISTON

 

The Arniston was an East Indiaman

But had been requisitioned as a troopship

She was sailing from Ceylon to England

To repatriate soldiers wounded in the Kandyan Wars

When during a storm near Cape Agulhas, South Africa

She was wrecked at Waenhuiskrans on 30 May 1815

With only six surviving of the 378 aboard

HMS BIRKENHEAD

 

HMS Birkenhead began life

As a steam frigate

One of the first iron-hulled vessels

Built for the Royal Navy

But she was quickly converted

And was commissioned as a troopship

It was as such on 26 February 1852

While transporting troops to Algoa Bay,

She was wrecked at Danger Point

Near to Gansbaai

100 miles from Cape Town,

With insufficient serviceable lifeboats

For all the passengers.

This gave rise to the most disciplined

Act of self-sacrifice ever witnessed

Described in verse by Rudyard Kipling

As the "Birkenhead drill"

Where the soldiers famously stood firm,

In serried ranks and allowed

The women and children

To safely board the boats

The courage and chivalry

Of the noble soldiers

In the face of certain death

Gave rise to the now accepted practice

When abandoning ship

Of “Women and children first”

And 550 men perished in the sea

L&ASNC ROYAL CHARTER

 

The steamship Royal Charter

Was returning to Liverpool

In late October 1859

Laden with gold

And Nuevo riche prospectors

From the Australian goldfields.

 

It was recommended to

Thomas Taylor, Captain

To put into Holyhead harbour

To wait out the storm

But having thus far

Made good time from Melbourne

He wanted to press on to Liverpool

 

As she rounded Anglesey’s

North-western tip

The barometer dropped

The squall quickly grew

And reached Storm force 10

On the Beaufort scale

The Royal Charter tried,

Off Point Lynas,

To pick up the Liverpool pilot

To guide them to safety

But the wind had risen

To Hurricane force 12

And was driving her

Towards the Anglesey coast

The Captain dropped anchor

But within two hours

Both anchor chains had snapped

And on 26 October 1859

The steam clipper Royal Charter

Broke up on the rocks near Moelfre

 

Despite the heroic efforts

From the people of Anglesey

Less than 40 survived

From the 450 passengers and crew

TRAFFIC COP – SOMETHING IN COMMON

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But don’t say to the men in blue

“Well in order to catch me

You must have been speeding too”

TRAFFIC COP – CONDITIONAL

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But just don’t overdo it

By asking “I thought cops

Had to be reasonably fit”

UNDER A SLATE GREY SKY

 

Under a slate grey sky

Or against a back drop of blue

Crossing bridges

Over river and stream

Thru woods and fields

Onward and upward

Over hill and vale

Riding the rails

The Locomotive speeds

Across the countryside

The marvel of the age