THE LAMB AND PUP

 

I walked into my local

“The Lamb and Pup”

The landlord said “Bitter?”

I replied “No just fed up”

TWO OVERWEIGHT LADS

 

Two overweight lads were in the pub

“Your round” one of them suddenly said

The other one took instant offence and

Replied “So are you, you great fat head”

IT WAS FRIDAY NIGHT AND THE LADS

 

It was Friday night and the lads

Were hitting the shots to get fucked

And two guys walked into a bar

Before the third one ducked

WE HAD A TRIVIA QUIZ

 

We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night

And I got most of the questions right

But the final question was a mare

“Where do women have the curliest hair?”

I thought “this is an easy one for me”

The correct answer was actually Fiji

THE LOCAL CHEMIST

 

A pub landlord

Is just a pharmacist

With a more limited

Inventory list

Uncanny Tales – (42) The Bar Steward

 

In the early eighties I worked behind the bar at a pub in Woking called the Surrey, however it was not named after the county in which it stood but rather the horse drawn carriage as featured in the musical “Oklahoma” namely “the Surrey with the fringe on top”.

The pub was built in the mid-sixties as a prefabricated temporary structure to service the fast expanding local area and was meant to be replaced by a permanent brick-built pub at a later date.

But more than sixty years later the prefab pub still stands in the same spot and is still in use as a pub.

The pub was a typical example of the period, and unlike today you had a wide range of bitters on offer and a small selection of lagers now of course it’s the other way round.

The youth of today take no time to develop the taste for good ales instead choosing something that’s merely cold and wet. 

Anyway as I said I worked behind the bar, I had been a regular there for a few years before Phil asked me if I wanted a job and I even played on the darts team for two seasons and was mentioned in the Woking News and Mail for best start and highest finish in a 7 – 1 thrashing of the Royal Oak.

It was an alright pub nothing special but alright and with the usual mix of heroes and villains, unremarkable's and unforgetable's, the good the bad and the ugly.

In the unforgettable category came two people of particular distinction firstly was Old Bob who was eighty three when I knew him who was an ex Coldstream Guard and a veteran of the Great War and a real character and secondly Ray Robinson another ex-army man though of younger vintage, Ray was an ex Grenadier turned social worker, incidentally the only social worker I didn’t want to slap, who every Christmas gave up his time to dress up as Santa and be flown by helicopter to various children’s homes, when there was still such a thing, delivering presents.

He would always raise at least one glass to the regiment, and he called his long-suffering wife his Duchess, but he was truly a good man who was sadly taken to young at the hands of cancer, a great loss.

Ray was the only person able to get anything resembling a proper smile out of Phil the landlord.

Phil and his wife Pat were an odd couple, they were like a pair of miscast actors in a soap opera and totally unsuited for the profession they found themselves in.

What prompted them to pursue a career in the pub trade we will never ever know but it was a bad move.

They had no concept of hospitality and an inability to foster even an ounce of goodwill from their customers and there was more than a hint of being inconvenienced when they had to stop what they were doing in order to serve someone.

They were indeed an unwelcoming pair but although Phil was not accustomed to smiling, his wife Pat wore an expression on her face that could stop traffic, but thankfully she kept away much of the time.   

On one Sunday I was working the lunchtime shift when Pat appeared from the back room, it was very rare to see her at all on a Sunday but putting in an appearance at lunch time was totally unheard of, but there she was.

A man put two glasses on the counter, one pint and a spirit, just as Pat stepped through the door and he called to her.

“Pint of lager and a vodka and lime”

Pat hadn’t seen the man put the glasses on the counter but picked up the pint glass that stood in front of him and asked.

“Is this the lager?”

“It’d look bloody stupid with a vodka and lime in it” he retorted

Pat put the glass down and turned round and went back upstairs.

It was an interesting job at times, and it had its perks, for instance I always hate New Year’s Eve, mainly because it’s such a pointless celebration that now seems to be another excuse to let off fireworks.

Also I hate it because if you stay at home there’s nothing on TV if you go out the pubs, clubs and restaurants are packed and all the organized parties end at 12.15, house parties never end but then house parties are pants unless you’re sixteen.

The best New Year’s Eve I ever spent was behind the bar at the Surrey, what a great night, plenty of room behind the bar, free entertainment, wages, and tips by the bucket load.

On the same Sunday that Pat had put in her brief appearance I was also working the evening shift which, due to heavy snowfall, was the quietest shift I ever worked, we only had three customers in all night, in fact Phil even went the other side of the bar to make up a foursome on the dart board.

At the end of the evening we sent off our three intrepid customers and locked up and after clearing away, which didn’t take long, I headed off myself, my car was buried at the wrong end of the car park so I decided to leave the car and walk, I could have got the car out if I’d wanted to but I like the snow and we don’t get much of it so I took the chance to walk home in it.

When I got to within a hundred yards of home, I needed to cross the road just after a junction, I looked up the road and there was a car heading in my direction but it was fifty yards away and as I was crossing after the junction and the car was already indicating left I deemed it safe to cross.

When I was halfway over, I noticed that although the car was indicating left and the front wheels were turning to the left the car was not in fact turning left, in fact it was coming straight for me.

I decided I would move quicker, but suddenly I was like a cartoon   character with my legs going like pistons and yet I was still in the same spot.

It was a surreal slow-motion moment with the car getting slowly closer and I could see the panic in the face of the driver and I was still not moving, but then simultaneously, the car suddenly veered violently to the left and it slewed round the corner and my feet at last gained some traction and I found myself on the pavement were I fell on my backside.

A few months after my near-death experience I gave up my job at the Surrey in order to run the Social Club bar where I had my day job, but I still frequented my local on my free evenings.

BAR NONE

 

A neutron walks into a bar

“I'd like a beer” he asked

The barman serves up a beer

Promptly as he was tasked

“How much will that be?”

Asks the neutron

“For you?” “No charge.”

Replies the barman

HALF AND HALF

 At the pub in the good old days

You could save a penny or two

By selecting the cheaper option

A pint of half and half would do

But in order to save your pennies

The desperate price you had to pay

Was that half came out of the pump

The rest came from the drip tray

THE BAR STEWARD

In the early eighties I worked behind the bar at a pub in Woking called the Surrey.

However, it was not named after the county in which it stood but rather the horse drawn carriage as featured in the musical “Oklahoma” “the Surrey with the fringe on top”.

The pub was built in the mid-sixties as a pre-fabricated temporary structure to service the fast expanding local area and was meant to be replaced by a permanent brick built pub at a later date.

The prefab pub still stands in the same spot and is still in use as a pub.

The pub was a typical example of the period and unlike today you had a wide range of bitters on offer and a small selection of lagers now of course it’s the other way round.

The youth of today take no time to develop the taste for good ales instead choosing something that’s merely cold and wet. 

Anyway, as I said I worked behind the bar, I had been a regular there for a few years Before Phil asked me if I wanted a job and I even played on the darts team for two seasons was mentioned in the Woking News and Mail for best start and highest finish in a 7 – 1 thrashing of the Royal Oak.

It was an alright pub nothing special but alright and with the usual mix of heroes and villains, unremarkable's and unforgetable's, the good the bad and the ugly.

In the unforgettable category came two people of particular distinction firstly was Old Bob who was eighty three when I knew him h was an ex Coldstream Guard and a veteran of the Great War and a real character and secondly Ray Robinson another ex-army man though of younger vintage, Ray was an ex Grenadier turned social worker, incidentally the only social worker I didn’t want to slap, who every Christmas gave up his time to dress up as Santa and be flown by helicopter to various children’s homes, when there was still such a thing, delivering presents.

He would always raise at least one glass to the regiment, and he called his long-suffering wife his Duchess.

He was truly a good man who was sadly taken to young at the hands of cancer, a great loss.

Ray was the only person able to get anything resembling a proper smile out of Phil the landlord.

Phil and his wife Pat were an odd couple they were like a pair of miscast actors in a soap opera and totally unsuited for the profession they found themselves in.

What prompted them to pursue a career in the pub trade we will never ever know but it was a bad move.

They had no concept of hospitality and an inability to foster even an ounce of goodwill from their customers and there was more than a hint of being inconvenienced when they had to stop what they were doing something to serve someone.

They were indeed an unwelcoming pair but although Phil was not accustomed to smiling his wife Pat wore an expression on her face that could stop traffic but thankfully, she kept away much of the time.   

On one Sunday I was working the lunchtime shift when Pat appeared from the back room, it was very rare to see her at all on a Sunday but putting in an appearance at lunch time was totally unheard of, but there she was.

A man put two glasses on the counter, one pint and a spirit, just as Pat stepped through the door and he called to her.

“Pint of lager and a vodka and lime”

Pat hadn’t seen the man put the glasses on the counter but picked up the pint glass that stood in front of him and asked.

“Is this the lager?”

“It’d look bloody stupid with a vodka and lime in it” he retorted

Pat put the glass down and turned round and upstairs.

It was an interesting job at times, and it had its perks.

For instance, I always hate New Year’s Eve mainly because it’s such a pointless celebration that now seems to be another excuse to let off fireworks.

Also, I hate it because if you stay at home there’s nothing on TV if you go out the pubs, clubs and restaurants are packed and all the organized parties end at 12.15, house parties never end but then house parties are pants unless your sixteen.

The best ever New Year’s Eve I ever spent was behind the bar at the Surrey what a great night, plenty of room behind the bar, free entertainment, wages and tips by the bucket load.

On the same Sunday that Pat had put in her brief appearance I was also working the evening shift which, due to heavy snowfall, was the quietest shift I ever worked we only had three customers in all night in fact Phil even went the other side of the bar to make up a foursome on the dart board.

At the end of the evening, we sent off our three intrepid customers and locked up and after clearing away, which didn’t take long, I headed off myself.

My car was buried at the wrong end of the car park, so I decided to leave the car and walk.

I could half get the car out if I’d wanted but I like the snow and we don’t get much of it, so I took the chance to walk home in it.

When I got to within a hundred yards of home, I needed to cross the road just after a junction.

I looked up the road and there was a car heading in my direction, but it was fifty yards away and as I was crossing after the junction and the car was already indicating left, I deemed it safe to cross.

When I was halfway over, I noticed that although the car was indicating left and the front wheels were turning to the left the car was not in fact it was coming straight for me.

I decided I would move quicker but suddenly I was like a cartoon   character with my legs going like pistons and yet I was still in the same spot.

It was a surreal slow-motion moment with the car getting slowly closer and I could see the panic in the drivers face and I was still not moving.

Then simultaneously the car suddenly veered violently to the left and it slewed round the corner and my feet at last gained some traction and I found myself on the pavement where I fell on my backside.

A few months after my near-death experience I gave up my job at the Surrey in order to run the Social club bar where I had my day job but I still frequented my local on my free evenings.

VERY HAPPY HOUR

A man walked into a pub one Saturday night

He went to the bar and ordered a pint of light

“Certainly, Sir, that will cost you ten pence”

“Ten pence? For a pint that makes no sense”

The man exclaimed delightedly to the barman

“Special price tonight, enjoy it while you can”

The man glanced down at the bar food menu

Then he ordered steak and chips with peas too

“Yes Sir,” said the barman, “that will be fifty p”

“How much?” the man said a little doubtfully

The barman confirmed the price to the man

“Special price tonight, enjoy it while you can”

“Where's the other bloke who owns this place?”

The barman said “Upstairs, with my wife Grace”

The man asked detecting an undertone of strife 

“What's he doing upstairs with your wife?”

“He’s upstairs doing to my wife more or less”

He replied “What I'm doing to his business” 

WE HAD A TRIVIA QUIZ

We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night

And I got most of the questions right

But the final question was a mare

“Where do women have the curliest hair?”

I thought “this is an easy one for me”

The correct answer was actually Fiji

THE WHITE HORSE IN

 

A white horse walked into a pub

And ordered a pint and some grub

The barman was taken by surprise

At first, he couldn’t believe his eyes

And although at first, he was unsure

He soon recovered his composure

Not used to a horse in this location

He tried a to start up a conversation

He said, “I don’t know if you knew

We have a whisky named after you”

“Really?” the horse asked curiously

“You have a whisky named Jeremy?”

IT’S THE DOGS…. AGAIN

 

A man and his dog walk into the pub

Each night to drink with the locals

As the man has a drink, the mans dog

Lies down and then licks his genitals

An offended customer, disgusted asks

“Why does your dog do that man?”

Then owner answers without hesitation

“That’s easy he does it because he can”

BARBRA

 

Do you think if a man

Walked into a bar

His dyslexic friend

Would walk into a bra

FALLING DOWN DRUNK

 

A man had had far too much to drink

Now I must go home he began to think

He tried to stand up and fell to the floor

So, he decided to crawl out of the door

Then after a little fresh air he tried again

But he fell face down in the drain again

“I will never get up” to himself he said

I won’t try again Ill crawl home instead

His wife found him on the step asleep

“I went for a drink” he said like a sheep

“And I know what made you crawl so far

Your wheelchair is still in the public bar”