I’VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF COMPLEMENTARY MEDICINE

 

I’ve never been a fan of complementary medicine

But when all else failed I decided to try it

I was given helium as part of my treatment

And I can’t speak highly enough about it

THE ART OF MODERN MEDICINE

 

The art of modern medicine

Consists by varying degrees

Of keeping the patient amused

While nature cures the disease

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 7

I was once a medical student

But I didn’t really concentrate

I was asked what “benign” meant

Alas it’s not after you be eight

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 6

I was once a medical student

But it was harder than I thought

I was asked about terminal illness

Which isn’t being ill at an airport

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 5

 

I was once a medical student

But I didn’t really try

I was asked what “varicose” meant

And said it was nearby

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 3

 

I was once a medical student

But I didn’t really try

When asked about the “fibula”

I thought it was a small lie

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 2

 

I was once a medical student

And asked to name a major illness

Associated with smoking cigarettes

I was wrong with premature death

MY SONS ADHD MEDICINE

 

My sons ADHD medicine

Is in liquid form

And comes in a bottle

As would be the norm

 

But beneath the label

Is written “Concentrate”

Well, if he could

That would be great

PILL POPPER # 1

 

Red and yellow and

Pink and Green

Purple and orange and blue

I take pills akimbo

Pills akimbo

I take quite a few

TRANSFUSION CONFUSION

Scientists have completed a study

And transfusions of Chicken blood

Are more beneficial medically

 

The positive side effects are that

It tends to make the men cocky

And women lay more regularly 

HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR

 

I told a joke about alternative medicine

And it only raised a smirk

That’s the problem with Homeopathic humour

It doesn’t really work

ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE - ACUPUNCTURE

 

When you finish the treatment

You feel like number one

I would certainly recommend it

Acupuncture is a jab well done

MANNOGRAM

 

A mannogram is a new test

And is the most effective way

Of detecting if a man has a heart

So, get yours checked out today

USE AS DIRECTED

 

If you should confuse your Valium

With your birth control pills, beware

You’ll end up with sixteen kids

But I don’t suppose you’ll care

LAUGH YOURSELF FIT

 

It is said to keep you fit and well

Laughter is the best medicine

Unless of course you are a diabetic

Then the best thing is insulin

GYNAECOLOGICAL SCARE

 

My older sister managed

To scare her gynaecologist

But that’s one of the perks

Of being a ventriloquist

I WAS HAPPILY SAT CONTEMPLATING

 

I was happily sat contemplating,

When a crab scuttled into view

So, I determined the time had come

To buy some more special shampoo

I WAS TOLD I NEEDED A BRAIN TRANSPLANT

 

I was told I needed a brain transplant,

But I didn’t want anything of that kind

But the Doctors kept going on at me

So eventually they changed my mind

DO NO HARM

 

The art of medicine

Would appear to be

To distract the patient

Sufficiently

For Mother Nature

To cure the disease

DOCTOR LARDY

 

They used to call us fatty

Chunky or sometimes tubby

Euphemisms like sumo

Alternatively, maybe chubby

However Political correctness

Has demanded that this must cease

So now the doctors just call us

All Clinically obese