GARDENERS WORLD IS A CLASSIC SHOW

 

Gardeners World is a classic show

About plants and shrubs, you can grow

Lady Gardeners World however

Is about tidying up Ladies nethers

I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION

 

I heard a very apt description

Of Gardening the other day

It suggested that Gardening was

Grown-ups going outside to play

I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION

 

I heard a very apt description

Of Gardening the other day

It suggested that Gardening was

Grown-ups going outside to play

APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD

 

Apparently, a good compost heap should

Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,

But not so hot it would cook a lobster

Well poached or not I am not eating it 

I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK

I'm a gardener and I'm ok

I sleep in the allotment shed all day

I dress in comfy clothing,

That my wife would throw away

Oh I'm happy on the allotment

As I’m not in her way

 

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)  

WEEDS AND FLOWERS

 

The difference between

Weeds and flowers

Is without a doubt

That the garden weeds

Are the most difficult

By far to pull out

A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED

 

A weed is a plant that has simply mastered

Every survival skill in the way it grows

But with all its hardy guile and cunning

They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows

I’M A REALLY RUBBISH GARDENER

 

I’m a really rubbish gardener

I find it all a bit of a chore

If only I was better outside

At simple horticulture

And grow stuff in the garden

Like I do in the refrigerator

THE WAY TO GARDEN EFFECTIVELY

 

To garden effectively, firstly, put on a hat

But be very careful, and choose the right one

Straw preferably, and it should have a

Wide brim to protect you from the sun

Some old clothes, but nothing too scruffy 

It should be a stylish yet practical rig

And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink

In the other, tell somebody else where to dig

TO A GARDENER

 

To a gardener,

A grassed over area

Is just a flowerbed

That has yet to appear

BONSAI GRANDAD

 

My grandfather became such

A successful bonsai grower

He had to move to a house

Where the garden was smaller

GARDENING RULE

 

If you can’t tell the difference

Between a plant and weed

Then learn by pulling one up

That’s the best way to proceed

And if it comes out quite easily

Then the other one is the weed

WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN

 

When I had my very first garden

It filled me with absolute terror

I didn’t have any experience

But I learnt by trowel and error

MY GARDENER HAS OCD

 

My gardener has OCD

His herb beds are alphabetized

I asked how he found the time

“It’s next to the Sage” he replied

MY GRANDDADS GREATEST PLEASURE

 

My granddads greatest pleasure

Was his allotment

So, in his will he instructed

His son Peter

To sprinkle his ashes

Over the beloved plot

Lightly forking them in

At one ounce per square metre

MY UNCLE GROWS VEG

 

My uncle grows veg

Not for eating though

He is after prizes

At the garden show

 

Every waking hour

He nurtures and nurses

Mixing up solutions

As he coaxes and coerces

 

Enormous Marrows

Giant Asparagus

Towering Celery

And humungous fungus

I WENT TO MY VEG PLOT TO CHECK

 

I went to my veg plot to check

On my tender little darlings

And heartbreakingly I found

Decimation of my seedlings

 

The perpetrators are self-evident

By the tell-tale slimy slug ooze

And I could tell they had help

Due to the clearly visible Snail trail

SON OF THE SOIL

 

I found the topsoil two inches deeper

When I went to my allotment on Monday

I found the topsoil two inches deeper

When I went to the allotment on Tuesday

The next day as I approached my plot

My poor old heartbeat quickens

So, when the topsoil was two inches deeper

I could only say “The plot thickens”

BAGS OF SACKS

 

What sacks should I use?

In the garden?

Should I use plastic?

Or maybe Hessian?

 

I’m not sure I care

To be quite factual

I suppose it’s because

I am bi-sacksual

THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 2

 

I have found keeping a vegetable garden

Of potatoes cabbages and dills

Is without any doubt at all

Worth a medicine cabinet full of pills