I’VE OPENED A NEW GYM

 

I’ve opened a new gym

Where all the trainers go

Religiously from door to door

To spread the fitness word

About joining the gym with

Jehovah’s Fitness over the door

Uncanny Tales – (069) Hands on Approach

 

In the southern town off Abbottsford, the biggest in Downshire, is its administrative capital and the seat of the Downshire government.

It was also a place of learning thanks to the Downshire University, a Cathedral City and is home to Abbottsford Town football club, known as the Knights.

Ex Knights Captain Mark Larcombe parked his car in the multistorey and, carrying his bag he went in the front entrance of the clubs Gym complex.

He was there to use the Pool, Gym, and Sauna and to get some physio on his knee.

It was a very modern facility with modern unisex changing rooms with two long rows of cubicles flanked by lockers.

He proceeded down the centre aisle to a cubicle at the far end of the row which he always used in order to get changed.

But when he opened the door, Mark found it was already occupied by his Physiotherapist Kerrie Mills wearing only a towel.

“Sorry Kerrie” he said the door was unlocked.

“I know, I left it that way” she said and let go of her towel.

“I thought it was about time the patient massaged the Physio.”

And then she locked the door.

FOGHORN LEGHORN WORKS OUT

Foghorn Leghorn works out

And gives his muscles a flex

As he keeps himself in shape

And concentrates on his pecks 

THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN

 

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,

Extend your arms straight out from your sides

And hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold

This position for just a bit longer on this plan.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.

Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags

When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.

I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS

 

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend

And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got

My leotard on, the class was already at an end

MY BOSS DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM

 

My Boss doesn’t go to the gym

But it’s not a case of him being slack  

He gets all the exercise he needs

Just by stabbing people in the back

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

 

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym

And he hasn’t yet come unstuck  

As he gets all the exercise he needs

Entirely by pushing my luck

MY DAD DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

 

My Dad doesn’t go to the gym

He has no need of their facilities  

As he gets all the exercise he needs

Just by dodging his responsibilities

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 3

 

My wife doesn’t go to the gym

She’s the fittest lass around

As she gets all the exercise she needs

Just from running people down

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

 

My wife doesn’t go to the gym

She’s as skinny as a candle

As she gets all the exercise she needs

Just from flying off the handle

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

 

My wife doesn’t go to the gym

She doesn’t suffer from delusions  

But she gets all the exercise she needs

Just from jumping to conclusions

MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE

 

My doctor said I’m borderline obese

But it didn’t bother me at all

Because at the end of the day

That makes me borderline Normal

GENETIC MARKERS

Scientists say they have discovered

Genetic markers that indicate athleticism

I think if they take a close look at mine

I will have markers for Couch potatoism 

LET’S SPLIT

I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits

It’s an ambition since my earliest days

The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”

I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

But by the third week

It started to get hard

As that’s when I started trying

To put on the leotard

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

So, for the second week

I’ve begun to do a little more

I’ve started driving past

A sporting goods store

DOCTOR FRANK

 

My doctor was very frank

When discussing my fitness

He said to me without humour

“What fits your busy schedule best?

Exercising for one hour each day, or

Being dead for twenty-four”

DOCTOR BLUNT

 

My doctor was very unfair

He said that the handle on my reclining chair

And my TV remote control device

Are not sufficient forms of exercise

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

So, for the first week

I am watching sport on TV

KEEP FAT

 

I’ve just seen myself in the mirror

And it’s clear I need to get thinner

But if I join a gym they tell me

I will feel the benefits immediately

Their fitness plan like as not

Will take me from shot to hot

From porker to corker

From chunk to hunk

From duff to buff

But in order for me to see my toes

I just need to pay them through the nose

So rather than try to get thinner

I will just stop looking in the mirror