I WAS RAISED AS AN ONLY CHILD

 

I was raised as an only child

By my father and mother

Which really pissed off

My sister and my brother

SENT TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE

 

When I used to be sent to the headmaster’s office

I knew that the punishment would never be as bad

As having the ignominy of going and explaining my

Behaviour to my disappointed mum and dad

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD

 

Happy birthday dad

See, we did remember

Because you are so dear

Just like every year

 

We will never forget

We just wish and wish

You were still here

Just like every year

 

So we wish you

A happy birthday

And wipe away a tear

Just like every year

 

Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM

 

Happy birthday mum

See, we did remember

Because you are so dear

Just like every year

 

We will never forget

We just wish and wish

You were still here

Just like every year

 

So we wish you

A happy birthday

And wipe away a tear

Just like every year

 

Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993

THE LONG WAIT

 

My Dad had cancer

And from the moment

He had to succumb

It was thirteen years

Before heart failure

Was to take my mum

She was so unhappy,

Partly because

His passing left her numb,

But not only that,

She was angry because

She was the lonely one

He wasn’t supposed

To go first, he was supposed

To mourn mum

So, at her funeral

I smiled to myself

Even though I was glum 

Thinking about them

Reuniting and the bollocking

That was to come

SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 2

 

Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch

It’s funny the things that cause the memories to awake

When all of a sudden memories of Dad flood back

It’s Pipe tobacco, Geraniums and Madeira Cake

SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 1

 

Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch

It’s funny the things that cause the memories to awake

When all of a sudden memories of Mum flood back

It’s Abide with me and Date and Walnut cake

THANKS MUM

 

From a very early age

I was told by my mother

“Your sole purpose in life

Is to serve as a warning to others”

DON’T LET MUM

When you are a child

You will soon discover

That when your Mum

Is in a mood with your father

It’s a bad idea to let her

Brush your hair ever

MUM KNITTED ME A JUMPER

 

Mum knitted me a jumper

I hate wearing I as I look silly

But I’m a kid so I have to

Especially when mum feels chilly

SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 2

 

Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch

It’s funny the things that cause the memories to awake

When all of a sudden memories of Dad flood back

It’s Pipe tobacco, Geraniums and Madeira Cake

THE LONG WAIT

 

My Dad had cancer

And from the moment

He had to succumb

It was thirteen years

Before heart failure

Was to take my mum

She was so unhappy,

Partly because

His passing left her numb,

But not only that,

She was angry because

She was the lonely one

He wasn’t supposed

To go first, he was supposed

To mourn mum

So, at her funeral

I smiled to myself

Even though I was glum 

Thinking about them

Reuniting and the bollocking

That was to come

A Family Selection

WHO LOVES US?

Who loves us without condition?
Who loves us in their admonition?
Who loves us despite the dirt?
Who do we go to when we’re hurt?
Who shares in all our joys?
Who buys us the best toys?
Who keeps us warm and fed?
Who would prefer a puppy instead?
Who cheers us up when we’re sad?
Who else but mum and dad

THE GREATEST FRIEND I EVER HAD

The greatest friend I ever had,
Since I was still just a little lad
To this very day is my Dad

LOOK AFTER HER

Look after her
While you still have her
For there will be no other
So cherish her
And appreciate her
For no one can replace your Mother

WHEN CHILDREN LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME

When children leave the family home
No matter where the children roam
Despite the passing of the years
Its mum they want to wipe away the tears
When the world slaps them in the face
They head straight to that one special place
Where the door is always open wide
Where they know they can safely abide
Safely ensconced in that special place
That is a mother’s warm embrace

OH DEAR PARENTS

Oh dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Appreciate how lucky
We are to have you two
You’ve told us often enough
To give us a clue

So dear parents
Its time for us to say
That we are grateful
In our own kind of way
Though we think your methods
Are a little passe

Now dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Without reservations
Love the two of you
But if you repeat this
We will deny that it’s true

NOT HERE

Now that mums not here
You try not to show you’re sad
But we know you miss her
And we know that you feel bad
But please don’t ever forget
That we all miss her too dad

ON THE NAMING OF A CHILD

On the naming of a child
Certain protocols should be followed by the registrar
Protocol one
If the chosen name is Rainbow or Honey dew
Then firstly the parents should be slapped
And given a book containing sensible names
This process should be repeated until a sensible choice is made
Protocol Two
If the chosen name is Chardonnay or Champagne
Then firstly the parents should be slapped
And a large group of people should be assembled to laugh at them
The parents should then be given a dictionary
To look up the definitions of the names that they chose
This process should also be repeated until a sensible choice is made
Protocol Three
If the chosen name is Moonflower or Gallifrey
Then firstly the parents should be slapped
And the child should be immediately taken into care
Then the parents should be put in the stocks
So sensible people can throw rotten fruit at them
Before finally being committed to an institution

PS – Should it ever be deemed that they have been cured
They should be sterilised before release
And their names entered on the pretentious parents register

PPS - Anyone from Cardiff, The Wirral, Norfolk, Suffolk or Essex will inevitably
Name the child after a piece of fruit, a place they have visited
The name of their favourite car or a product from a supermarket
As a result these people should not be trusted to name their children.
Registrars must name the children for them
In the same way that Hurricanes and tropical storms are named
If they complain go straight to Protocol three

OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children
She knows their likes and dislikes,
Who their friends are and who they fancy
There illness’s, ailments and allergies

She knows the dates of all their matches
Drop off and pick up, Home and away
She knows about appointments for hospital
As well as Doctor, optical and dental

She know about their favourite foods
And the things that make them sick
She know what scares them and why
And what makes them laugh and cry

She knows all about their hopes and dreams
And what they may look for in a spouse
While a man on the other hand, is vaguely aware
Of some short people living in the house