IN HIS TOWN WHEN DAD WAS A BOY

 

In his town when Dad was a boy

They had a Chinese Chippie

He was a Carpenter from Shanghai

And he was Called Mr Lee

OK STEVE

 

He said “it’s Stephen with a PH”

Which I thought pedantic

But he wasn’t a fussy git at all

He was just very acidic

ON THE NAMING OF A CHILD

 

On the naming of a child

Certain protocols should be followed by the registrar

Protocol one

If the chosen name is Rainbow or Honey dew

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And given a book containing sensible names

This process should be repeated until a sensible choice is made

Protocol Two

If the chosen name is Chardonnay or Champagne

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And a large group of people should be assembled to laugh at them

The parents should then be given a dictionary

To look up the definitions of the names that they chose

This process should also be repeated until a sensible choice is made

Protocol Three

If the chosen name is Moonflower or Gallifrey

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And the child should be immediately taken into care

Then the parents should be put in the stocks

So sensible people can throw rotten fruit at them

Before finally being committed to an institution

 

PS – Should it ever be deemed that they have been cured

They should be sterilised before release

And their names entered on the pretentious parents register

 

PPS - Anyone from Cardiff, The Wirral, Norfolk, Suffolk or Essex will inevitably

Name the child after a piece of fruit, a place they have visited

The name of their favourite car or a product from a supermarket

As a result, these people should not be trusted to name their children.

Registrars must name the children for them

In the same way that Hurricanes and tropical storms are named

If they complain go straight to Protocol three

KING GEORGE VI

King George VI was not a George

That’s hardly playing the game

Imagine my complete surprise when

I found out that Albert was his name

I'M RUBBISH WITH NAMES

 

I'm rubbish with names

I can’t help it a bit

It’s a proper condition

There's a name for it...

DESCRIPTIVE TRAVELLER

 

It was appropriate for a voyeur,

To live in the village of Watcham

To where I just returned yesterday

From the Northern town of Oldham

But as that is in the past now

I suppose it should be Feltham

WHATS IN A NAME (41)

What do you think did Alice Leed?

You should have watched Doris Speed?

Does anyone know has Sean Bean?

Did anyone notice is Diane Keen? 

WHATS IN A NAME (43)

 

What do you think can Ben Gunn?

Did anyone notice is David Dunn?

Did anyone notice was Sean Kerley?

Does anyone know was George Burley?

WHATS IN A NAME (39)

 

Does anyone know does James Bridle?

I often wonder is Eric Idle?

Would anyone know did Michael Ley?

You never know Brian May?

WHATS IN A NAME (38)

 

Would anyone know was Rip Torn?

Did anyone else see Oliver Bourne?

Does anyone know is George Nigh?

You should have seen Kevin Tighe?

WHATS IN A NAME (37)

 

Did anyone else see David Pegg?

You should have heard Alex Begg?

Does anyone listen to Emma Peel?

Would anyone like to see Andrew Neal?

WHATS IN A NAME (36)

 

Did anyone hear if Samantha Sang?

Does anyone know did Molly Bang?

Would anyone know was Mary Deare?

Does anyone think does Jason Fear?

WHATS IN A NAME (35)

Does anyone think is Nicky Lauda?

Would anyone know was Cynthia Prouder?

Does anyone know will Steve Wynn?

Does anyone think did Pearl Sinn?

WHATS IN A NAME (34)

 

Will anyone watch as Peter Bowles?

Did anyone look as Henry Rolls?

Did anyone notice Eric Ambel?

Does anyone know will Donna Gambol?

WHATS IN A NAME (32)

 

Does anyone know is Jane Gray?

Would anyone know does Sasha Bray?

Did anyone see Virginia Wade?

Does anyone know was James Mayde?

WHATS IN A NAME (31)

 

Does anyone think will Jenifer Rush?

Does anyone know does Basil Brush?

Did anyone know will Alessandro Nesta?

Would anyone know was Georgie Best?

WHATS IN A NAME (30)

 

Does anyone know does Jane Ayre?

I don’t know what could George Wehr?

Does anyone think is Nathan Sweete?

Have you just walked down Daniel Street?

WHATS IN A NAME (29)

 

Does anyone think will Chris Reech?

Does anyone know can Bill Teach?

Did anyone hear Nelson Riddle?

I wish I could see Ricardo Fidel?

WHATS IN A NAME (28)

 

Does anyone know if Alfred Sung?

Does anyone think is Sean Young?

Does anyone know is Koo Stark?

Would anyone know was Yvonne Darke?

WHATS IN A NAME (27)

Does anyone know if Alfred Sung?

Does anyone think is Sean Young?

Does anyone know is Koo Stark?

Would anyone know was Yvonne Darke?