21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 64

 

There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile,

Well, that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style

After all what is the point of being a crooked man

If you can’t live it good and large when you can

DOCTOR FRANK

 

My doctor was very frank

When discussing my fitness

He said to me without humour

“What fits your busy schedule best?

Exercising for one hour each day, or

Being dead for twenty-four”

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 12

 

I do have a favourite;

I like them with a predisposition

Basically, I like them dirty

And prepared for any position

 

I love Commando Jo

And nudie Trudy

Above the knee Fi

And rudie Judy

 

I love on her back Jack

The leer-er Vera

Back-alley Sally

And in the rear Greer

 

I love fellatia Felicia

The giver of head

Pork me Courtney

And three in a bed Winifred

THE NEW A-TEAM

 

I always loved the A-Team

A force for good

Coming to the rescue

All guns blazing

But no one ever got shot

Hannibal Smith was the brains

B.A.Baracus the brawn

Face was the fixer,

And howling mad Murdock

Well need I say more

 

Well, they’re coming back

In a newish sort of version

Well, a Jewish sort of version

Called the Oy Vey team

With Chaim Schmitt

BA Barabbas

Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Mazel Tov

GARNISHING

If you put a tomato

On top of your knickerbocker glory

Instead of a cherry

It counts as a salad; well, that’s my story 

DOCTOR BLUNT

 

My doctor was very unfair

He said that the handle on my reclining chair

And my TV remote control device

Are not sufficient forms of exercise

DOOR STEPPING

 

There are two women

Calling at houses down our street

Brow beating everyone

Of the poor householders they meet

 

They extol the virtues

Of brown bread and its effect on fitness

One in particular is quite fierce

I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness

MARATHON MAN

I used to be a Marathon man

A Marathon man was I

Then they renamed them Snickers

I don’t know why

NHS CUT BACKS # 2

 

The NHS has plans to save money

And there has been opposition all right

But the Gastroenterologists

Don’t have the stomach for a fight

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

So, for the first week

I am watching sport on TV

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 63

 

Rain, rain go away,

You’re ruining my holiday

I wait all year to come away

Rain, rain, go to Spain,

Don’t come back to Wales again

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11

 

I don’t have a favourite;

I love each and every one

Whether happy or sad

Cheerful or glum

 

I love tarty Marti

And svelter Delta

Sloppy Poppy

And vulgar Olga

 

I love baddy Maddie

And angrier Andrea

Clean Jean

And fairer Farah

 

I love scorer Pandora

And messy Bessie

Gaudy Maudie

And sassie Cassie

 

I love a damp vamp

To tell the truth

Or Horny Dawny

And uncouth Ruth

HOW DO YOU MAKE A FRUIT DESERT?

 

How do you make a fruit desert?

It’s not rocket science to be curt

If you want your partner to scram

Just have sex with another man

RETIRED?

 

I was tired yesterday

And I’m tired again today

That makes me re-tired I’d say

STEALING AN EMBRACE

 

If you have sex with a prostitute

And leave without paying

Is there a specific law in statute?

Or is it just like shoplifting

911

 

I had just ordered my dream car

The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own

So, I contacted all my friends

By text on my mobile phone

“Can’t wait for the new 911”

As simple as that, just the job

An hour later the door was kicked in

By the anti-terrorist squad

MISUNDERSTAND INN

Being a Christian man,

Of high moral standing

I was not prepared

For the resulting misunderstanding

 

It was on my arrival

At the hotel reception

After the pleasantries

And before completing registration

 

I merely asked the receptionist

If she was at all able

To make sure the porn channel

In my room was disabled

 

To which she replied

With the tone of utter scorn

“No, you sick bastard.

It’s just regular porn”

WINDY WILL

 

Blow, blow thou inner wind -

Thou art so unkind

As man's flatulence

Thy toot is not so keen,

Because thou art not seen,

Although thy breath be rude

THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS

 

The folk of the Americas

In that tropical region

Ate a missionary

And got a taste of religion

IF YOU WERE ASKED THE QUESTION # 1

 

If you were asked the question

How do you get a big girl into bed?

Would you try to be PC?

Or say “A piece of cake” instead

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 62

 

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,

My name is that name now

Whenever I go out,

The people will always shout,

There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

(I’M John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 10

 

I don’t have a favourite,

I love each and every one

Whether happy or sad

Cheerful or glum

 

I love Totty Lottie

And Clammy Tammy

Fit Britt

And Whammy Pammy

 

I love Trixie Pixie

And Peculiar Julia

Able Sable

And Nuclear Petunia

 

I love Bossy Flossie

And Parley Carli

Silky Elkie

And Gnarly Charlie

 

I love Fond bond

And Nambi Bambi

Any one of them

Does it for me

HOW DO YOU MAKE A FRUIT GUM?

 

How do you make a Fruit gum?

This is easy don’t be so dumb

The answer is without a doubt

Ask him to take his teeth out

THE STICK INSECT

 

My sister is very thin

In fact, she’s a stick insect

Straight up and down

Viewed from any aspect

If she didn’t wear glasses

Before embracing

No one would know

Which way she was facing

WHAT I WANT YOU TO WEAR

 

I’m looking forward to our date

I hope you dress appropriately

A dress would be nice,

If not a loose-fitting top

And skirt, flared,

Its more flattering,

Nothing figure hugger

And definitely no trousers

Stockings obviously, not tights

I don’t want your bum to look like a robber

Garters are acceptable,

A nice lacy ring

Suspenders would be better

I like to ping

A bra, if you must

Nothing too fiddly

Front loading is ok

As long as it’s obvious

I hope you’re wearing granny pants

I’m not a fan of thongs

Or anything tight

Granny pants are quick release

And I want you bare arsed ASAP

That’s how I want the evening to end

AMAZONIAN SPIDER

 

My son wants a spider

For his approaching birthday

I’m giving it some thought

I’ve not said yay or nay

 

Well, I checked the price

At a well-known pet shop

And when they said £90

Wow did my jaw drop

 

But he’s dead set on a spider

Won’t accept anything instead

So, if he really wants a spider

I’ll get a cheap one off the web

ACT OF MERCY

 

I have always told my children

And I told them again last night, quite late

That I didn’t want to live

In a vegetative state

To be given fluids from a bottle,

Dependent on a machine, no matter how up to date

So, they took away my glass of wine

And unplugged my computer, the ingrates

APPLE FAUX PAS

Apple have cancelled the launch

Of a new iPod aimed at kids

But due to negative feedback

The project is on the skids

It’s believed the product

Was to be called the iTouch Kids

ALAS POOR HAMLET

 

Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow

of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath

boned me on my back a thousand times;

KIDDIE FIDDLER

 

Well, they just arrested a paedophile

Who would look at the children and drool

He was in the children’s playground

And was caught playing with his tool

But credit where credit is due

He always drove slowly past the school

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 61

 

Here's the church, and here's the steeple

Open the door and see all the people.

No it’s not a church anymore you see

But another place to drink coffee

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 9

 

I don’t have a favourite,

I love each and every one

Whether happy or sad

Cheerful or glum

 

I love Pally Sally

And Meaner Tina

Cranky Frankie

And Keener Meena

 

I love Messy Jesse

And Smiley Kylie

Tiara Clara

And Tidy Heidi

 

I love Buffy Duffy

And Flexi Alexie

Moanie Joanie

And Sexy Lexie

 

I love Irate Kate

And Funny Honey

Every one of them

Is on the money

HOW DO YOU MAKE A FRUIT FLY?

 

How do you make a fruit fly?

Well first a ticket you need to buy

Then give him a good snort

And then take him to the airport

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 2

 

I went to the ice cream parlour

And ordered an ice cream sundae

“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked

“No, I’ll just have the one for today”

MARGE AT LARGE

 

Marjorie was a clairvoyant

Of diminutive stature

Imprisoned for fraud

Or something of that nature

But she escaped

They couldn’t hold on to Marge

The police now seek

A small medium at large

THE SPICE OF LIFE

 

In the great war my grandfather

Survived a mustard gas attack

On a peace march my father

Survived a pepper spray attack

On a rally my uncle had mace

Squirted right in his face

I suppose you could call my ancestors

Seasoned campaigners

GOOD HEALTH WARNING

 

In regard to the state of good health

The fact that you cannot deny

Good health is just the slowest speed

At which we will eventually die

ALPEN DANGER

 

My dear friend was pulled under

By a strong currant, and tragically

My dear friend was drowned

In his breakfast bowl of muesli

NHS CUT BACKS # 1

 

The NHS has plans to save money

As they are strapped for cash

The plans have got up the Allergists noses

And Dermatologists think them rash

WIFI WIFE

 

I call my wife my Wi-Fi,

You might wonder why

Well, she works at home usually

Or in the garden, truthfully

I have no physical connection to her

And at night the neighbour uses her

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 60

Hark, hark the dogs do bark

The chavs are coming to town

Some with piercings and some with tats

And one in a designer gown 

IN THE GAME OF LOVE

 

In the game of love, you know all the right moves

With Terpsichorean precision, purposeful and bold

You are mistress of passion, keeper of my heart

If they awarded medals for love you’d get the gold

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 8

 

I don’t have a favourite,

I love each and every one

Whether happy or sad

Cheerful or glum

 

I love Dirty Gerty

And Randy Mandy

Stern Fern

And Bandy Sandie

 

I love Bored Maud

And Doughy Zoë

Glam Sam

And Showy Chloe

 

I love Choice Joyce

And Petty Lettie

Frigid Ingrid

And Sweaty Betty

 

I love Intense Hortense

And Hot Dot

Any one of them

Will hit the spot

HOW DO YOU MAKE A FRUIT CUP?

 

How do you make a fruit cup?

I know this, I won’t look it up

To get him to cup them

Just tell him that you love him

THE LYNX EFFECT

 

I bought some new Aftershave,

You should try it

It smells of sunflower seeds

The birds really love it

DIPLOMACY

 

Diplomats have the ability

To do their job so well

That they can tell you,

To your face, to go to hell

In a way that not only,

Does not offend you

But becomes something

You are looking forward to

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 1

 

I went to the ice cream parlour

At one of our seaside resorts

And I wanted an ice cream

But, well, there were allsorts

“Knickerbocker glory sir?”

The ice cream man’s retorts

“Yes, I do enjoy a certain amount

Of freedom in these shorts”

I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN AGAIN

 

If you have begun to tire

Of being the object of men’s desire

Not of being attractive per se

But of being hit on every day

But short of becoming reclusive

Which is of course not conducive

There is little to do but improvise

And swat the insects like they are flies

I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED

 

I certainly don’t want to be murdered

So, I find myself rather fascinated

Exactly how important do you need to be?

Not to be murdered but to be assassinated

WHEN I DIE

 

When I die

And I ascend

How long, from

My untimely end

How much time

Must I spend?

What part of eternity

Must I extend?

Wearing the outfit

I wore at the end

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 59

 

Hark, hark my dogs do bark

All day walking round the town

My plates of meat, my aching feet

I just want a nice sit down

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 7

 

I don’t have a favourite,

I love each and every one

Whether happy or sad

Cheerful or glum

 

I love Neater Rita

And Nosy Rosie

Beggy Peggy

And Dozy Posy

 

I love Tatty Patty

And Singular Ingela

Tipsy Bitzi

And Glandular Angela

 

I love Naïve Neve

And Teaser Louisa

Taller Paula

And “Was a Geezer” Lisa

HOW DO YOU MAKE A FRUIT PUNCH?

 

How do you make a fruit punch?

Well, I have a little hunch

But I am my no means certain

But just criticize his curtains

LYCRA LADY?

 

The Lycra fitted her

Like a second skin.

Taut and seamless

Leaving every contour revealed

Each curve, each mound

Every peak and valley

Every ridge and canyon

Of her voluptuous landscape

Her immodesty shown

In stark relief

COMING OF AGE

 

When I was still but a boy

I went to visit a house of joy

And although I had to pay

I would honestly have to say

That for a coming of age event

It was the best quid I ever spent

SAY IT AS IT IS

 

Velveteen isn’t Velvet

And Sateen isn’t silk

A sours ear isn’t a purse

And UHT isn’t milk

LIGHT ON HIS FETE

 

My brother is dyslexic,

Which is a bit of a trial

And I also think he’s gay

But he’s still in Daniel

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

 

In France, they don’t call it a pothole

Instead, they call it a hen’s nest

It sounds much nicer, doesn’t it?

But for drivers, they’re still a pest

SENIOR SPEED

 

People speed

For many reasons

Some are disorganised,

Some are late,

Some are impatient,

Some have no sense of direction,

For some it’s an emergency

That fuels their urgency

But for me, as a retiree

I have to drive fast

To get there before I forget

Where it is I’m going

YOUNG AT HEART

 

Young at heart

Well, that’s a start

You’re only as old as you feel

Isn’t that the deal?

Well in my heart I feel young

But when all said and done

Being young at heart, let’s face it

Still means you’re older in other places

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 58

 

Horsey, horsey don't you stop

Just let your feet go clippetty clop

Make the whip swish close up the ground

Win the race or your dog food bound

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 6

 

I don’t have a favourite,

I love each and every one

Whether happy or sad

Cheerful or glum

 

I love Grim Kim

And Moanie Toni

Henpecky Becky

And Naggy Maggie

 

I love Bella Stella

And Indie Lindy

Funny Honey

And Windy Cindy

 

I love Tarty Marti

And Burley Shirley

The Felon Helen

And that twirly girlie

 

I love Flabby Gabby

And Escapee Lee

Chardonnay Kay

And Meat free Fi

 

I love Prudy Judy

And Racy Macy

Pristine Christine

And Straight Lacy Tracy

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

 

Whenever my wife fills in a form for me

And it asks who to notify in an emergency

She always writes down her name, what for?

I don’t want her called, she’s not a doctor

TGIF

 

I have just looked at the clock

And it’s left me feeling great

It’s 4 o’clock on Friday afternoon

Or what I like to call the home straight

THE LOCAL CHEMIST

 

A pub landlord

Is just a pharmacist

With a more limited

Inventory list

L FOR LIBRARIAN

 

I see you differently tonight

Not the bookish librarian

No beige sweater and slacks

No tied back hair

And sensible shoes

Tonight, you are no quiet librarian

Tonight, you prowl

On four-inch heels

Tonight, you are the huntress

On the black stockinged legs

A lioness in a cocktail dress

Hair flowing like a mane

Who knew what lay beneath?

The shapeless beige

And baggy trousers

A woman hid beneath the drab

A woman with shape and form

Curves and undulations

Look under S for sexy

NUCLEAR PETUNIA

 

Nuclear Petunia was insatiable

A sexual being to her core

She would do it in a cupboard

She would do it on the floor

She never got exhausted

She just wanted more and more

Petunia truly was atomic

She just went on and on

And in between no respite

Just another nuclear fusion

BENDY WENDY

 

Wendy was bendy

And a delight to behold

She was pliant and supple

And easy to fold

 

Wendy was bendy

Her pliancy had no end

And in the bedroom

She was my flexible friend

AN ALARMING STATISTIC

 

Gang rape is nasty

So is this statistic 

9 out of 10

People enjoy it

HOW DO YOU MAKE A FRUIT CORDIAL?

 

How do you make a fruit cordial?

Well, it shouldn’t be an ordeal

So, I think the best way to begin

Is just to be nice to him

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 57

The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men

He marched them up to the top of the hill

And he marched them down again.

This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad

So, in order to stop him, they had to top him

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 5

 

I don’t have a favourite,

I love each and every one

Whether happy or sad

Cheerful or glum

 

I love Prayer Claire

And Lazy Daisy

Gaudy Maudie

And Crazy Maisy

 

I love Blue Sue

And Classy Darcy

Timid Ingrid

And Brassy Marcie

 

I love Shy Di

And Sullen Ellen

Beige Paige

And Barren Karen

 

I love Chipper Pippa

And Hairy Mary

All of them from homely

To a little bit scary

ABRASIVE BEHAVIOUR

 

I have been charged with murdering a man

With sandpaper, the really course grit

But I’m pleading it down to manslaughter

Because I only meant to rough him up a bit

EMBRACE WITH CAUTION

 

Embracing is good, I like to hug, and I like to cuddle

But you should be very careful I would say

As there’s a very fine line between a cuddle

And holding them down so they can't get away

ELEMENTARY TAXI

 

I jumped into the cab

'Conan Doyle’s Close driver'

Don't worry; he said,

We’ll lose him at the lights Guvna

PARTY GUEST

I went to a party

And I really dressed to kill

The SAS combat fatigues

Seemed to fit the bill

PODS

 

Everyone loves an iPod

A w x and y Pod

And an I say I say Pod

A meat and potato pie Pod

 

The all at sea aye aye Pod

The he made me cry Pod

And I’ve got to fly Pod

And the bye bye Pod

 

The I’m going to die Pod,

The, my mate Dai Pod

The must keep it dry Pod

And the lady Di Pod,

 

The di diddly di Pod

The one in the eye Pod

The just for a guy Pod

And the Isle of Skye Pod

 

The bridge over the river Kwai Pod

The pig in his sty Pod

The vale of Wye Pod

And the Jamiroquai Pod

 

The Geordie why eye Pod

The Scottish ocheye Pod

The end is nigh Pod

And the x-ray eye Pod

 

The I can’t tell a lie Pod

The New Zealanders kai Pod

The I spy with my little iPod

Everyone loves their iPod

A MELLOW FELLOW

 

A mellow fellow

A fellow in yellow

A fellow called Morello

Morello played the cello

Morello didn’t bellow

Morello was mellow

The fellow ate his jello

His jello was yellow

Mellow yellow jello

For a mellow fellow

LADY MARY

 

Mary, lady with the malady

The marmaladie lady

M’lady marmalade

Mary the marmaladie lady

LOST PROPERTY INQUIRY

 

“Good morning,

Is that lost property?

I have misplaced some articles

Could you possibly help me?

 

The last time I had them?

Was on a train to Waterloo

Traveling from Rowland’s Castle

I think it was the 9.22

 

The items are of particular import,

The first item was my heart,

Which has been returned,

In a state of disrepair, but it’s a start

 

Other articles include, my dignity,

My self-respect, have you seen them at all?

What about my backbone?

Or perhaps you have found my balls”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 56

 

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,

What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter

And he can’t sing a note everyone knows

So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 4

I have a favourite type of girl,

But it’s not like I am facile

Nothing wrong with preferences

I just like my girls to be gracile

 

Sinuous and willowy

I don’t look for a pretty face

But they should have about them

Some elegance and grace

 

It takes the like of Nimble Kimble

Or the lovely Lithe Blythe

The aptly named Bendy Wendy

Or Lissom Blossom to feast my eyes 

BREATH OF WIND

 

To break wind alfresco

Seems to me such a waste

If you can feel it coming

Move inside with all haste

Stand under the air conditioning

Then everyone gets a taste

DISRESPECTING THE BOSS

 

Gwen looks like Mavis Cruet,

The plump clumsy fairy,

The one from Willo the Wisp

All warty and hairy

 

Mavis was too fat too fly

With erratic magical powers

Gwen knows what we call her

And she sits in her office and glowers

 

She may look like Mavis Cruet,

But in truth she’s like Evil Edna

And she will wreak her revenge

Because she’s our employer

ST ANTHONY

 

St Anthony is a patron saint

Of lost things, articles and bits

I once had a St Anthony Medal

But I don’t know where to find it

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

 

Here is an important life tip

That will help you like as not

If you see a lot, take a few

If you see a few, take the lot

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

 

You can wear an ankle bracelet

And have piercings through your bits

You can even have a tramp stamp

But don’t go messing with your tits

 

You can wear a thong up your bum

You can remove every hair you’ve grown

You can show everyone your belly

But please leave your tits alone

 

I’ll admit they’re not the biggest

But you have the perfect little pair

I don’t want you to look like Jordan

With two footballs hanging there

 

Your breasts were made by nature

And by definition they are perfection

I don’t want a surgeon Frankenstein

Messing with your lovely confections

MILESTONE BIRTHDAY

 

I’ve been dreading, turning forty,

But it occurred to me then

That I won’t really be 40

I’ll just be thirty 10

SENIOR RETIREMENT

 

At last, I’m retired

It’s just what I desired

So goodbye to the tension

And hello to my pension

PARTY ANIMAL

 

I went to a party

And I really dressed to kill

A werewolf and a full moon

Seemed to fit the bill

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 55

 

One, two, three, four, five.

Once I caught a fish alive,

Now you don’t see that every day

Not on the Thames anyway

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 3

 

I don’t have a favourite,

I love them all

Shorty and sporty

Petite and tall

 

Dowdy and flashy

High and mighty

Shy and vivacious

Safe and flighty

 

I love Juicy Lucy

Smelly Kelly,

Scraggy Maggie

And Silly Millie

 

I love Gay Mei

And Straight Kate

Spotty Dotty

And Plain Jane’s great

 

So is Jolly Molly

Clingy thingy

Obese Louise

And Skinny Ginny

 

I love Boozey Suzie

Sweaty Betty and all

I love them long,

I love them short, I love them tall

TUNNEL OF SELF LOVE

 

When a narcissist’s riding of

The tunnel of love is planned

He’ll want to sit alone in a car

So, he can hold his own hand

TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES

 

The highways department have decided

In a review of speed management

To replace the current

Traffic calming measures

No more speed bumps

Or chicanes

Flashing road signs or traffic cameras

No bollards or over painted road surfaces

A newer cheaper alternative has been found

To promote road safety

So, the highways dept have decided

Just to stop repairing potholes

Because they really slow drivers down

A SMALL STATISTIC

 

Here is a statistic

That is a bit crappy

Only one in seven dwarves

Are actually happy

PERSONAL BANKING

 

I went to my bank yesterday

As I went to work, it’s on my way

I said to the cashier Miss Valance

“Hello, can you check my balance”

She replied “yes certainly Mr. Dover”

Then walked round and pushed me over

BUSAN TO SEOUL

I’m moving from Busan to Seoul

But my family don’t approve

But I start a new job in Seoul next week

And it’s a good Korea move

AWKWARD TEENAGE MOMENTS

 

The stress of being a teenager

Do you remember?

Especially the instant arousals

Of the little member

The slightest thought

Of a sexual nature

Instantly breathed life

Into your little creature

Your heart starts pumping

And the blood surges

To feed the beast

On sexual urges

All of which

Was fine and dandy

Providing of course you had

Your girlfriend handy

Or some privacy

Then there was no issue

Providing of course you had

A supply of tissue

Not so helpful

If you’re out walking

Or with your granny

Sat small talking

In any place

That you couldn’t touch

That I’m afraid

I didn’t like much

Like on the bus

Or on the train

When a girl gets on

And oh no not again

DEATH AT SEA

 

I fight for my life

In the icy water

But fatigue overcomes me

And I succumb

To the welcoming waters

And as I slip beneath the waves

My life replays before me

Like an old home movie

And I think to my self

As my life ebbs away

Damn that was boring

FUMING WIFE

 

My wife was tragically overcome

By a very unsavoury hum

To which she did succumb

As a result of the deadly aroma

My wife of ten years, Oma

Now lies prone in a coma

But the main reason I’m so glum

Is that the offending noxious hum

Actually emanated from my bum

So, my dear wife alas and alack

Now lays motionless on her back

Because of her husband’s gas attack

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54

 

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner

Eating his Christmas pie

He stuck in his thumb

After scratching his bum

Then offered to share his pie.

LOOSE MORALS #1

 

She was without her knickers at Twickers

There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch

There was a blushing fellow at Flushing Meadow

When she was legs akimbo in the limo

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 2

 

Walkers’ crisps should be forced to comply

With trade description legislation

And stop disappointing their customers

With their artificial flavourization

 

When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps

The connoisseur would think it a mistake

If he was unable to detect the distinct flavour

Of sweaty cagoule and Kendal mint cake

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 2

 

I have a favourite type of girl,

Nothing wrong with that

I love my ladies ample

Like beautiful Fat pat

Also Porkus Dorcas

And Obese Louise,

Glandular Angela

Gives me a good squeeze

I love voluminous

I love them rounder

I love them full bodied

Because rounder is sounder