Mary had a little lamb
Which she named Teagan
And it would live free
Because Mary was a
Vegan
Friday, 31 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 420
ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?
Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster
APRIL SHOWERS BRING
April showers bring
May flowers it seems
But then May flowers
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 6
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour
of their demise
Are working as the
Chuckle Brothers
In their most cunning
disguise
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (7)
He said “I was asked by my daughter,
If I could go out to
East Africa”
I retorted “that’s
amazing, Kenya?”
He replied “No I had
to disappoint her”
MY MOTHER IS JUDGE AND JURY
My mother is judge and jury
In our domestic
establishment
She ensures we all do
our bit
It’s known as Chore enforcement
THE FELINE ESTABLISHMENT
An important element of
The Feline
establishment
Is the Cat
Constabulary
Known as Claw
enforcement
THE CANINE ESTABLISHMENT
An important element of
The Canine
establishment
Is the Dog
Constabulary
Known as Paw
enforcement
MY BROTHER IS A PESSIMIST # 1
My brother is a pessimist
With all his
nay-saying,
And a glass half full
guy
With his
speclionegging
WE WILL GO TO SWITZRLAND
We will go to Switzerland
With our Dog from
Alsace
When the time comes,
and
Go to the clinic,
Dognitas
IN SEARCH OF THE PERFECT SOMEONE
I was looking for someone
To make my heart race
And my skin tingle
I searched high and
low
Until I finally found
her
At a Singles Mingle
Tuesday, 28 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 419
Mary had a little lamb
And she loved that lamb
a bunch
But she wasn’t sentimental
So, they ate it for
Sunday lunch
ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY WINGS?
Are you wearing fairy wings?
As someone’s special
surprise
I hope you’re not a good
fairy
And you’re wicked in disguise
IT WAS A SPECIAL TIME WHEN WE WED
It was a special time when we wed
In front of family,
friend and peers
We found it a very
emotional day
Even the Wedding cake
was in tiers
I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED
I was asked who I wanted
To celebrate my birthday
My answer was as easy
as ABC
“Anyone but Chardonnay”
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour,
are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan
tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead
LAST NIGHT I UPDATED
Last night I updated
My social media profile
But my wife didn’t
Like my picture style
In fact she said I
looked
Like a paedophile
ACCEPTED WISDOM IT WOULD SEEM
Accepted wisdom it would seem
Proclaims there’s no
“I” in team
So that must mean that
Teamwork
Will inevitably make
the dream work
CARRIER BAG, CARRIER BAG
Am I the only one,
Is it really only me?
That has a carrier bag
Hanging purposefully
Dedicated for the use
as
A carrier bag repository
CITIZENS OF WESTERN DEMOCRACY’S
Citizens of Western democracy’s
Will cross the world
to fight for it
But are so disinterested
that they
Won't cross the street
to vote for it
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 418
Jack and Jill
Went to the clinic
Because they were
Both quite unhygienic
ARE YOU WEARING ANGEL’S WINGS?
Are you wearing angel’s wings?
As someone’s special
surprise
I hope you’re not too
angelic
And you’re a Devil in
disguise
I HAD TWO EXAMS TODAY
I had two Exams today, English Oral
Followed by the French
equivalent one
They were both hard,
the only difference
Being the additional
application of tongue
CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF RICE WINE
“Can I have a glass of Rice Wine”
I said “Beer makes me
bilious”
The puzzled barman replied
“Sake?”
I added “No I was being
serious”
I SURVIVED TESTICULAR CANCER
I survived testicular cancer, but when
I was in Asda I
screamed out in terror
As all I could hear at
the checkout was
“Unexpected item in the
bagging area”
I KNOW THEY’RE SMILEY
I know they’re smiley
And I might well be
odd
But I don’t like
Dolphins
And I’m a congenial
bod
It’s just because I found
They were a clicky pod
MY YOUNG ACTRESS SISTER
My young actress sister
Has absolutely no shame
But in Hollywood she has
Found some level of fame
She’s now “Doing a pilot”
I didn’t ask for his
name
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)
At a get together with Family
My widowed father told me
That he had found a new lady
“We’re off to Portuguese
India”
“Oh really” I said, “Goa?”
“No” he said “she’s a
bit demure”
WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 3
When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively
“I’m a spy”
Then he added he was
from Belarus
And clarified “I’m a
Minsk Spy”
TO HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD
I believe it’s quite normal
Listening to them is
usual
Sometimes I argue instead
However, if I were to
lose
The argument, I’d be
dead
Monday, 27 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 417
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
As he was horny
And she took the pill
ARE YOU WEARING A HAIR PIECE?
Are you wearing a hair piece?
Well, that shouldn’t
be a gobsmack
The wig is a shade of
brown
And your own hair is
jet black
BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THEIR MALES
Black Widow spiders kill their males
After mating, before
the afterglow starts
And the reason for that
is quite simple
It’s to stop the
snoring before it starts
EYES BIGGER THAN MY BELLY
Eyes bigger than my belly
Especially for cake
and jelly
My appetite no one
could stifle
I FEEL SUCH PRIDE
I feel such pride
As I watch my fledglings
Leave the nest
And learn to fly
There is grace in learning,
With crashes out of sight
Not submitting to scrutiny
In their stumbling indignity
But they persevere
On their plan of flight
Keep taking chances,
And making their advances
And make their own way
Slowly but surely they
achieve
For real heroes
Needn’t soar like eagles
To have a purposeful
life
And fulfil their dreams
I HAD A “GRUMPY OLD MAN” MUG
I had a “grumpy old man” mug
And my grandchildren
got it
But I turned into a “Grumpy
old man”
When I accidentally
smashed it
MY FRIENDS CALL ME SNAKE HIPS
My friends call me snake hips
Though not because I’m
thin
I earned my unfortunate
nickname
Because I have really
dry skin
WHEN MY BROTHER WAS AT COLLEGE
When my brother was at college
He had an unusual
nickname
Which was the “snow
plough”
Because of his appetite
for cocaine
LOVE IS ABOUT THE COMPROMISE
Love is about the compromise
It’s the corner stone
I would say
For example if we should
disagree
We compromise and do
it her way
LOVE IS ALL ABOUT SHARING
Love is all about sharing
It’s the corner stone,
you see
When my wife gets the
flu
She always shares it
with me
Sunday, 26 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 416
Jack and Jill
Went up the hillock
He proposed then she
Called him a pillock
ARE YOU WEARING A POUT?
Are you wearing a pout?
Well, it’s bold without
a doubt
But the overwhelming impression
Is that you look like a
trout
YOU CANNOT LIVE YOUR LIFE IN PARK
You cannot live your life in “Park”
Nor can you reverse to
happier times
You must put it into
drive and go
Leave the pain of loss
and regret
On life’s hard
shoulder and go forward
And see what more life
has to offer
I LOVE FRIDAY, IT’S A SPECIAL DAY
I love Friday, it’s a special day
But nothing ruins that
Friday feeling
Quite as much as the
realisation
That it’s still
actually Thursday
MONEY TALKS IS THE SAYING
“Money talks” is the saying
I’m not quite sure why
If my money could talk
It would only ever say
good-bye
THE OLD SAYING GOES
The old saying goes
“If you can't beat
them, join them”
But a rethink is
called for,
“If you can't beat them”,
Rather than joining them
You should “beat them”,
Because they will be
expecting
You to “join them”,
As a result you will
take them
Completely by surprise
WOMEN MIGHT BE ABLE TO FAKE ORGASMS
Women might be able to fake orgasms
It’s due to how Mother
Nature equip
Although men aren’t born
with that ability
But they can fake a
whole relationship
MY SISTER SAYS THEY ARE BOTHERED BY A RACCOON
My sister says they are bothered by a Raccoon
Who boldly take things
off their veranda
It’s very brazen, and
is one of nature’s scroungers
Although she calls it
their garbage Panda
TIMES ARE BAD AND GETTING WORSE
Times are bad and getting worse
And I’m shocked at the
severity
As the light at the
end of the tunnel
Has been turned off
due to austerity
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON
Everything happens for a reason,
Is the generally accepted
view
Unfortunately, you
must admit
That sometimes the
reason is you
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 415
Itsy bitsy spider
Climbed up the water
spout
Arriving in the shower
As she was getting out
And that was when
She began to scream or
shout
ARE YOU WEARING NYLON PANTS?
Are you wearing nylon pants?
There can be no other
explanation
Because every time you
get aroused
It affects the TV
reception
I FLEW ON AN INFAMOUS BUDGET AIRLINE
I flew on an infamous budget airline
Who charged for every
single item
Except for the bad
service, that was free,
Which was very generous
of them
GOD BLESSED US WITH THE BRAIN
God blessed us with the brain
To solve very complex
problems
However human nature
means
Using it creates more
problems
I DISCOVERED WHEN WE WERE ON HOLIDAY
I discovered when we were on holiday
That my girlfriend screams
the same way
Whether a shark might
render her caput
Or a piece of dead
seaweed touches her foot
MY GRANDMA TOLD ME HER JOINTS TROUBLE HER
My grandma told me her joints trouble her
And elaborated, saying
they are getting weaker
I said I had a way to
make her life brighter
If she was just to
roll her spliffs a bit tighter
WHEN I TAKE THE TIME TO PONDER MY SITUATION
When I take the time to ponder my situation
I consider myself to lead
a very lucky life,
Because the fine cognac
that I drink is older
Than the woman I’m happy
to call my wife
MY WIFE AND I ALWAYS COMPROMISE
My wife and I always compromise
That’s the secret to
being happy
Our compromise is,
that I admit
ONE DAY A COMPUTER
One day a computer
Actually, beat me at
chess,
I didn’t take it well,
I was a total mess
So, we had a rematch
To go tit for tat
But he was no match
for me
With a baseball bat
ALTHOUGH IT HAS BECOME A FAMILY TRADITION
Although it has become a family tradition
Not everyone over eats
on Thanksgiving
And of course I’m referring
to the Turkeys
Because they were stuffed
in the beginning
Saturday, 25 March 2023
ARE YOU WEARING A SENSUAL AIR?
Are you wearing a sensual air?
It seems that you are
not even aware?
But it flows from each
and every hair
I’m sorry i don’t mean
to stand and stare
But sensuality follows
you everywhere
THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 2
The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, for
me
On a hot summers day
THE SWEET SCENT OF FRESH MOWN HAY
The sweet scent of fresh mown hay
Carried on the evening
summer breeze
Makes her look at me
and smile
As she knows it will
make me sneeze
I AM NOT A HOUSE PROUD MAN
I am not a house proud man
By any means or measure
I find it too much of
a chore
I am more a man of leisure
So, for me a clean flat
is
The sign of a broken computer
I USED TO BE INDECISIVE
I used to be indecisive
At least I thought so
But I am now quite
sure
That I don’t actually
know
SHE WAS A REAL NATURE GIRL
She was a real nature girl
Dancing happily in the
meadows
Like a flitting summer
sprite
With no thought of
cares and woes
As she frolic’s like a
lamb all day
Till the lengthening
of the shadows
I MET MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW AT THE WEEKEND
I met my prospective father in law at the weekend
And he seemed quite
normal when I saw him
So, I was quite pleased
until my girlfriend said
“Everyone seems normal
until you get to know them”
I NEED YOU TO DELETE ME FROM YOUR ADDRESS BOOK
“I need you to delete me from your address book”
My ex-girlfriend emailed
me to express
I pondered for some time
before I replied
“Who is this? And how
did you get this address?”
MY SISTER IS A SOPHISTICATE
My sister is a sophisticate
And has travelled far away
She’s been to a Taj Mahal
That isn’t an Indian takeaway
Friday, 24 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 413
Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
But the police
followed
As he was an imposter
ARE YOU WEARING TARTY GARB?
Are you wearing tarty garb?
Well, I will say this
for a start
You might well get
picked up
But no one wants to date
a tart
IF HELEN WAS THE FACE
If Helen was the face
That launched a
thousand ships
Then Paris was the dick
Who caused Troy’s
apocalypse
HIS LIFE WAS LIKEN
His life was liken
To a candles flame
But his flickering
glow
Did not sputter or
gutter
For his tapers story
Was to burn in all his glory
Though in short duration
It was an intense light
But the flame that burns
Twice as bright,
Burns half as long
I THINK IT’S PROBABLY A MYTH
I think it’s probably a myth
Regarding multitasking
women
Like the Loch Ness
Monster or
Shy retiring used car salesmen
BURNING AWAY
Once lit the candle of life burns
Hour by hour, day by day
As the candle's wax melts away,
the hours of your life melt with it
A peaceful quiet life
Produces a gentle flickering light
But burning the candle at both ends.
Causes a tongue of flame
But by flicker or
blaze
The hours of your life
will burn
THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 1
The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst,
without fail
On a hot summers day
WHILE EAVES DROPPING IN THE VESTRY
While eaves dropping in the vestry
I heard mention of a
blasphemy palaver
Or so I thought, but
it turned out
That the vicar said raspberry
pavlova
I ASKED CAROLINE OUT ON A DATE
I asked Caroline out on a date
At the start of the
summer break
Neither of us had dated
before
So, there was quite a
lot at stake
We met at the entrance
to the park
And walked to the café
on the lake
We sat at a table in
the window
Where she had a
strawberry milk-shake
Which she drank
through a straw
But my choice proved
to be a mistake
As I tried to be more
grown up
And ordered coffee and
cupcake
The coffee was bitter
and something
In the cake caused a
hives outbreak
Our second date was
less eventful
But was far more memorable
Wednesday, 22 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 412
Tuesday’s child isn’t full of grace
Because she and her friend
Trace
Are full of cheap cider
and ale
ARE YOU WEARING SLUTTY GARB?
Are you wearing slutty garb?
And are you trying to
talk smut
Well, I admire your endeavour,
but
You’re wearing too
much for a slut
MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE
Marriage is all about compromise
For example my wife wanted
a cat
I on the other hand did
not want one
So, we compromised and
got a cat
THE END OF THE WORLD IS NOT A JOKE
The end of the world is not a joke
In fact it’s a source
of great sorrow
But people still tell
end of the world
Jokes like there is no
tomorrow
WHAT MAKES PHILANDERERS CHASE WOMEN
What makes philanderers chase women
They have no intention
of marrying?
Clearly the same urge
that makes canines
Chase cars they have
no intention of driving
I ALWAYS FIGURED THAT MICHAEL’S FAMILY TREE
I always figured that Michael’s family tree
Must have been from the
cactus family
Because I’ve met the relatives
of Mick
And everyone on his family
tree is a prick
MONEY IS NOT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS
“Money is not the key to happiness”
That’s what they
always say, but
Of course if you have
enough money,
You can have your own
key cut
JUST HEARD THAT THE SEXY GIRL
I just heard that the sexy girl
From Goldfinger, Pussy
Galore
Changed her name for
the film
She was Fanny Aplenty
before
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS BEING EXPLORED
Artificial Intelligence is being explored
By science, despite its
inadvisability
But then education and
inquisitiveness
Are no defence against
natural stupidity
AMIDST THE TERRIBLE TRAGEDY SADIQ
Amidst the terrible tragedy
Sadiq smiled, to his eternal
shame
But the reason for that
was
That he had found
someone to blame
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 411
Tuesday’s child
Is full of grace
Except when she’s
Totally off her face
ARE YOU WEARING SEXUAL GARB?
Are you wearing sexual garb?
Well, I can only offer
you this barb
Wearing a codpiece and
a condom
Is not going to turn
anyone on
I'M NOT SAYING THAT I HATE HIM
I'm not saying that I hate him,
But my dislike is well
known
And I’d unplug his life
support
In order to charge my
phone
THERE ARE THREE THINGS FOR WHICH
There are three things for which
Witnesses are required
for
Criminal acts, accidents
and
Marriages, so need I say
more?
I NEED TO START PAYING CLOSER ATTENTION
I need to start paying closer attention
To things, every
detail of this and that
Because I found out
today that my wife
And I, have different
names for our cat
WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING I LOVE
Why is it that everything I love
Is either unhealthy,
addictive
Or has taken out more
than one
Restraining order
against me
AS A BOY I ASKED GOD FOR A BIKE ONE DAY
As a boy I asked God for a bike one day,
But I knew God didn’t
work that way
So, I decided to steal
a bike and then
I asked God for forgiveness instead
I'M REALLY GOOD AT DOING THINGS
I'm really good at doing things
Practical and skilful
things,
Hands on artisan type
things
Until I have people watching
I BOUGHT A VACUUM CLEANER SIX MONTHS AGO
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago
And a top of the range
model was a must
But I have to say it
hasn’t earned its keep as yet
IMAGINE BEING FIVE MINUTES FROM THE END
Imagine being five minutes from the end
Of the longest movie
ever made and then
It starts over because
it forgot something
Well, that's my wife’s
way of story telling
Tuesday, 21 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 410
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Because he was
An antisocial fella
ARE YOU WEARING PROVOCATIVE GARB?
Are you wearing provocative garb?
Well, you might well
cause some disquiet
But you are not really
achieving you aim
But you might well
provoke a riot
HAIR OF HENNA
Hair of Henna
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white
NOW I’M NEITHER FOR OR AGAINST BUT
Now I’m neither for or against but
Four million, three
hundred and seven
People got married
last year,
But shouldn't that number
be even?
AS I LEFT THE STORE EMPTY HANDED
As I left the store empty handed
There was an awkward
moment
When I said repeatedly
to myself
“Just act natural,
you're innocent”.
I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP
I want to die peacefully in my sleep,
Like Dad, peacefully without
a fuss
And not screaming and
yelling
Like the passengers did
on his bus
THE TECHNOLOGICAL AGE
The technological age of the
21st century is great,
isn't it?
When deleting history
has become
More important than
making it.
AFTER ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OF LABOUR
After almost fifty years of labour
I have failed to get
ahead even a bit
Because I started out
with nothing,
And I find that I
still have most of it
TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT
Two wrongs don't make a right,
I tell my daughter and
her brother
And if you need a good
example
Just look at me and your
mother
TEAM WORK IS IMPORTANT
Team work is important,
In fact its second to
none
Because it makes it
easier
To put the blame on
someone
IT ONLY DAWNS ON YOU QUITE
It only dawns on you, quite
How un-photogenic you
are
Until it’s time for a
group photo
And they hand you the
camera
Monday, 20 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 409
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and
made them cry
The power he liked to
relish and savour
He now knows was inappropriate
behaviour
ARE YOU WEARING SEDUCTIVE GARB?
Are you wearing seductive garb?
Well I have to admire
you style
But in order to seduce
me
You need only wear a
smile
HAIR OF GREY
Hair of grey
Falls untamed
Over blemished skin
In perfect complement
To graceful aging
And timeless beauty
I HAD TO BUY TROUSER SHORTS
I had to buy trouser shorts
Which were easy to
find
The ones with Velcro
on
The detectable leg kind
Expensive though, so the
term
“Rip off” comes to
mind
THE PIE FACTORY EXPLODED
The pie factory exploded
And it was carnage
inside
There were also casualties
As 3.14 people died
THE KOALA WAS IN SOME DISTRESS
The Koala was in some distress
In fact he was in a proper
mess
As he was told he
wasn’t a bear
And he didn’t think it
was fair
As he was one of nature’s
creations
I HAD TO HAVE A BLOOD TRANSFUSION ONE DAY
I had to have a blood transfusion one day
And my notes said I was
blood Type A
But it was mistake
which brought me low
And it was all the
result of a simple Typo
I HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY
I have an addictive personality
I think I must have
that gene
I was even addicted to
soap
But thankfully I’m now
clean
IT'S NOT THAT I CAN’T JUGGLE
It's not that I can’t juggle,
That’s not the struggle
It’s just that I have
to admit
I don’t have the balls
for it
I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED
I was asked who I wanted
My emergency contact
to be
It took me only seconds
to reply
“A good doctor
obviously”
Sunday, 19 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 408
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and
made them cry
But that was in the nineteen
seventies
And now interests
Operation Yewtree
ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARB?
Are you wearing sexy garb?
Well bless your heart
I’m glad
But you wasted your time
Trying to look sexy is
mad
You were sexy already,
there
Was nothing you had to
add
HAIR OF AUBURN
Hair of Auburn
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white
SADIQ KHAN, PHOTO OP BOY
For little Sadiq, appearing big
Is the name of the game
So, if its bad news, photo
op boy
Is on scene to apportion
blame,
If it’s good he’s
there, so that
All the praise is his
to claim
MY FATHER IN LAW IS FULL OF IT
My father in law is full of shit
And I say that without
hesitation
He would disagree obviously
As he would call it
constipation
I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION
I have come to the conclusion
That atoms are
conniving
Deceitful and
untrustworthy
Because they make up
everything
IN HIS ADVENTURE’S
In his adventure’s against
Captain Hooks pirate
band
Peter Pan always flies
I LOVE MY PETER PAN JOKE
I love my Peter Pan joke
It’s the funniest I’ve
told
And I tell it over and
over
And it never gets old
PETER PAN GOT HIS NAME
Peter Pan got his name
Not by design or plan
It was after he got hit
In the peter with a
pan
PETER PAN GOT HIS NAME
Peter Pan got his name
Not by design or plan
It was after he got hit
In the peter with a
pan
IF YOU ARE A LOVER OF PUNS
If you are a lover of puns
Then on shrove Tuesday
There is only one
conclusion
And that that its pun-cake
day
Friday, 17 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 407
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and
made them cry
But now his foot is in
the other shoe
And he has been
embroiled in “me too”
ARE YOU WEARING FALSE PAINTED TOE NAILS?
Are you wearing false painted toe nails?
No, I don’t think that
they look sweet
And I think it’s a waste
of money
MOTHERS DAY PRAYER
All her life, she’d been
Likened to her Mum
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
She was asked
How are you different to your Mum?
She replied that she hoped
In as fewer ways as
possible
HAIR OF TITIAN
Hair of Titian
Tumbles unchecked
Falling untamed
Over pale flesh
Like autumn leaves
Stark in contrast
Like blood drops
On a fall of snow
IF ALL THE SEAS WERE DRIED UP
If all the seas were dried up,
Every bay, lagoon and
ocean
Would Poseidon
understand why?
Would he even have a
notion?
WHAT SHAPE IS A KISS
What shape is a kiss?
Oh, my now I’m in a pickle
Well, if you press me
I would say it’s a
lip-tickle
BEING IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
Being in the medical profession
And being a private
practitioner
Is the most tedious,
as it requires
More patients than any
other
YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS
“You look like a million dollars”
I told my wife and she
was all aglow
I didn’t explain that
meant not as good
HAPPY AS LARRY
Apparently, being Happy as Larry
Means you’re a happy
Chappie
But I want to know who
Larry is
And whys he so bloody
happy
COUPLES ON THE DANCE FLOOR
Couples on the dance floor
In the heat of their oscillation
Can very easily find themselves
In an agreeable osculation
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 406
Wee Willie Winkie ran through the town
Upstairs and downstairs
in his night-gown
Wee Willie Winkie
wasn’t his real name
It was just a very cold night for that game
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER?
Are you wearing patent leather?
Well at least it will never weather
But I would have to
say honesty
On you it looks like
PVC
HAIR OF MAHOGANY
Hair of Mahogany
Tumbles unchecked
Over freckled skin
In perfect complement
Like forest fronds
In a dappled glade
ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE # 3
One secret to a happy life
Is simply this in my
view
If you make a lot of
money,
And good fortune
smiles on you
Use it to use help others
That is wealth's true
value
WHAT THE PAPERS SAY
They were reviewing the papers
On TV this morning
And A4 is still the most
popular
So that’s quite boring
CHEESE DO
I went to a cheese function
For cheese from Brie
to Blue
When the hot cheese
appeared
It all became a really
fun do
DAWN ROSE ON THE DESERT
Dawn rose on the desert
In the crisp morning air
But she didn’t have a
clue
How she actually got
there
RISKY BEHAVIOURS
She woke up on Sunday morning
And regretted her
risky behaviours
Muttering as she
looked at her partner
“I should have gone to
Specsavers”
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (5)
I’m from a big Family
And my dad said to me
“Your brother is going to Italy
With his new lady”
I said, “Oh really, Genoa?”
“No, I haven’t met
her”
TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY EIGHT LOVERS
“Two hundred and eighty eight lovers”
Was not what I
expected, not even close
But that was what my
mum confessed
And to be honest that
was just two gross
Thursday, 16 March 2023
AT THE ST PATRICK’S DAY PARTY
At the St Patrick’s Day party
A guy was playing the Ukulele
But he didn’t know
when to stop
Until he was hit with
a Shillelagh
Wednesday, 15 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 405
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
But no one could be
bothered
To put him back together
again
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER SHOES?
Are you wearing patent leather shoes?
Do I think they suit
you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four
stone woman
Who is never going to
look like Poirot
ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?
Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron
saint, but why?
Did he drive the
snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a
great PR guy?
ARE YOU WEARING A SHAMROCK?
Are you wearing a shamrock?
Ireland’s national
emblem
The young clover symbol
Displayed out of
patriotism
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN?
Are you wearing green?
My pretty young Coleen
And that’s everything
so?
Well that’s nice to
know
And is an image to
bewitch
If you do mean every
stitch
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break
the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your
endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish
in you?”
Ask her, on St
Patrick's Day
And if she answers
yes, reply
“You can have some
more today”
ON ST PATRICK’S DAY
On St Patrick’s Day
You know an Irish rover
Has had enough to drink
When they’re Dublin
over
I GOT VERY DRUNK ON ST PATRICKS DAY
I got very drunk on St Patricks Day
So, I took a bus home
to save any fuss
This may not be a big
deal to most
But I had never before
driven a bus
YOU CAN DRINK GREEN BEER
You can drink green beer
On any St Patricks Day
It counts as a vegetable
And one of your five a
day
THE IRISH CELEBRATE ST PATRICKS DAY
The Irish celebrate St Patricks Day
And I have always
wondered why
As they have three
patron saints
Perhaps Patrick had a
better PR guy
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break
the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your
endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something
clever
“Do you have any Irish
in you?”
Ask her, on St
Patrick's Day
And if she answers no,
reply
“Do you want some
today?”
ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE
St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
That’s why St Patrick’s
Day
Is the best holiday
for me
ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS
My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For St Patrick’s Day
I said “Drunk will do me”
ST PATRICKS DAY IS ONE OF THE FEW
St Patrick’s Day is one of the very few
Acceptable times to
wear body glitter
When you have a
reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper
THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT PATRICK
The feast day of Saint Patrick
Is Ireland’s National Day
When the Irish people
Celebrate Saint Patrick's Day
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 404
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a crumble
Would that make Greggs
Customers grumble?
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER BOOTS?
Are you wearing patent leather boots?
Well, I’m as open minded
as any other
But really? Thigh length
leather boots
When we’re burying your
mother
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 7
If you value your life avoid places
That might make your nerves jangle
A certain geographical location
For example the Bermuda Triangle
HAIR OF CHESTNUT
Hair of Chestnut
Tumbles unchecked
Over freckled skin
In perfect complement
Like forest fronds
In a dappled glade
ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE # 2
One secret to a happy life
Is this and nothing
more
Once a year, go
somewhere
You’ve never been
before.
AN ARTIST SHOULD BE ADMIRED
An artist should be admired
Treasured and inspired
And encouraged to
create
Art to which we can
relate
THE PAINTER AND HIS MODEL
The painter and his model
Were smitten from the
very start
And every stroke of his
brush
Said “I love you with
all my art”
MY SON TOLD ME HE PLAYED IN A BAND
My son told me he played in a band
And I’m afraid I did
have to mock
Because they are called
the Pilgrims
So I asked if they
played Plymouth Rock
MEDICINAL REJECTION
“I can't be your valentine
For medical reasons”
said Nick
“God is it serious?”
he asked
“No you just make me
sick”
HOOCHIE COOCHIE
I really like to smooch
With my hoochie cooch
And the times I am in
bliss
Is when we hug and
kiss
Because I’m just a sucker
For my honey’s pucker
Tuesday, 14 March 2023
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 403
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a Tuffet
Why not on a chair?
The silly mare
ARE YOU WEARING A BABY DOLL DRESS?
Are you wearing a baby doll dress?
Well I don’t want to
cause any distress
But are you sure that
look is alright
When you’ve got that much cellulite
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 6
If you value your life avoid places
Famous for a murderous creature
Like a certain geographical location
Yes I’m talking about Transylvania
HAIR OF JET
Hair of jet
Falls untamed
Over alabaster skin
Stark in contrast
Like a ravens wing
Against fresh snow
FRIENDSHIP TIP
Don’t let a little dispute
Injure a great
friendship
Swallow your pride
And quickly make up
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