ARE YOU WEARING FALSE PAINTED TOE NAILS?

 Are you wearing false painted toe nails?

No, I don’t think that they look sweet

And I think it’s a waste of money

Simple because you have Shrek feet

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM?

 

Are you wearing denim?

I didn’t know you could still buy it

It’s just like I remember

And it still smells like shit

ARE YOU WEARING BRUT?

 

Are you wearing brut?

How 1970s of you

And it smells as if

You splashed it all over too

LIP-SALVE

 

Lip-salve is a very useful product

But it’s not a good chaperon, in anyway

Even though it lives up to its boast

Of always keeping the chaps away

I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION

 

I have often wanted to ask the question

Which has always gone unspoken

Why, when my wife gets ready, does she

Put on mascara with her mouth open

ARE YOU WEARING BREAST TIGHTENING SERUM?

 

Are you wearing breast tightening serum?

No of course there is no disgrace

But I do think I should point out

That you don’t put it on your face

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE COLOGNE?

 

Are you wearing eau de Cologne?

Well, something smells wrong

I don’t think it’s the real deal

Like it was bottled in Hong Kong?

ARE YOU WEARING CELLULITE CREAM?

 

Are you wearing cellulite cream?

And is that workin’ for yer?

I only ask as it looks like

You’re covered in tapioca

MY WIFE WENT TO THE BEAUTY PARLOUR

 

My wife went to the beauty parlour

And had a mudpack applied

Which improved her appearance

Until it fell off and she cried

MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON

 

My sister has a tanning salon

It is hers and her husband John’s

And at the national tanning awards

Their establishment won bronze

ARE YOU WEARING A FACE PACK?

 

Are you wearing a face pack?

Hello it is you under there?

I know how to check, I’ll cop a feel

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare

That was quite a hand full

So that’s not my wife under there

WHEN THEY TOLD CHERYL COLE

 

When they told Cheryl Cole

That she had la fièvre malerial

She just thought it must be

A new product from L’Oreal

THE PRICE OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS

 

The price of beauty products

Have gone through the roof

What a rip off they really are

Try waxing strips if you need proof

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE LIPSTICK?

 

Are you wearing blue lipstick?

Then you must be a Dutch chick

Because I’ve heard the song Ma’am

About blue lips from Amsterdam

ARE YOU WEARING CELLULITE CREAM?

 

Are you wearing cellulite cream?

And is that workin’ for yer?

I only ask as it looks like

You’re covered in tapioca

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM?

 

Are you wearing denim?

I didn’t know you could still buy it

It’s just like I remember

And it still smells like shit

CREAM DREAM

 

Is this product real or just a dream?

This new-fangled anti-aging cream

I think it’s a little odd, at any rate

Because the stuff has a sell by date