IF YOU ARE A LOVER OF PUNS

 

If you are a lover of puns

Then on shrove Tuesday

There is only one conclusion

And that that its pun-cake day

IS IT PANCAKE DAY ALREADY?

 

Is it Pancake Day

Already? Oh dear

It’s really crêped up

On me this year

THE ORIGINS OF FAT TUESDAY

 

The origins of Fat Tuesday

Are Anglican and Catholic

But in our town Fat Tuesday

Is an overweight biker chic

THERE IS A VERY DISTINCT DIFFERENCE

 

There is a very distinct difference

Between Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday

The former is an all-night party and

You wake up with the latter the next day

THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE

There is a special place

In hell for people that play

Any Christmas music

Before Thanksgiving Day

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 5

 

It’s Christmas Day in the workhouse

Just another grey day to endure

Jamie Oliver is cooking the dinner

So, no Turkey Twizzlers in store

NEW PUPILS

 

At the North Pole, For those

Not begun Schooling yet,

Must firstly be enrolled

And then taught the Elphabet

 

NEVER EVER CATCH A SNOWFLAKE

Never ever catch a snowflake

In your mouth

Until you’re sure all the birds

Have flown south 

JAMES DEAN LIVED LIFE TO THE FULL

 

James Dean lived life to the full

Seldom taking the time to pause

But he didn’t believe in Santa

So he was a rebel without a Claus

DIFFERENCES # 3

 

The difference between Santa Claus

And a serial philanderer, as it goes

Is in essence a total lack of self-control

Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2

 

It was Christmas Eve in the workhouse

And not a hint of the season in sight

No stockings hang by the fire side

So, it’s just like every other Night

HO OH

 

Everyone loves Santa

With every happy Ho Ho Ho

Even when he walks backwards

Going Oh Oh Oh

IN THE MORNING SANTA STOOD

 

In the morning Santa stood

by the window to peer

And said to Mrs Claus

“It looks like rain dear”

CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE KENNELS

 

It was Christmas Eve in the kennels

And all the canines were all agog

They all made merry all night long

Finishing by singing Fleas Navi Dog

RUDOLPH GOT AN F

 

Rudolph got an F in his exam

Which was a mystery

But after his paper was remarked

He went down in History

IF AN ELF IS WEARING EARMUFFS

 

If an Elf is wearing earmuffs

Call him anything you choose

Safe in the happy knowledge

That he can’t possibly hear you

ON CHRISTMAS EVE THE CHIMNEYS STAND

 

On Christmas Eve the chimneys stand

Waiting for Santa to go down them

And he duly obliges each one in turn

To visit every house because it soots him

MUM WAS DETERMINED

 

This year, Mum was determined, for the first time,

To have the happy time the family had lacked

So, when she was preparing the bird for the oven

She stuffed the Turkey with sage, onion and Prozac!

SANTA’S NEW TEAM

 

All of Santa’s new electric Reindeer

Were all lined up by the charger

Waiting patiently in turn to use it

As Santa and Rudolf looked on

Santa asked “Shall I tell the others

Or would you rather do it?”

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 43

 

Twas the night before Christmas

And all thru the pub

The air was scented with cinnamon

From all the festive grub

From spiced Christmas Ale

Or Gluwein served from a tub