THERE IS KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO KNOW # 14

 

There is knowledge I need to know

I used to know but I since forgot

If a synchronized swimmer drowns

Do the rest of the team drown or not?

A MAN WANTED TO GO SWIMMING

 

A man wanted to go swimming

With sharks when the flags flew red

Of course you can do it at a price

But it could cost an arm and a leg

ARE YOU WEARING A KNITTED SWIMSUIT?

 

Are you wearing a knitted swimsuit?

Well, I know there’s a recession on

But I’m afraid knitted swimwear

Isn’t at all the right thing to don

 

Because one of two things will happen

The weight of wool will pull them down

Or when you are swimming the weight

Will pull you under and you’ll drown

I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL

 

I was hanging out by the pool

When I was on holiday in Spain

But someone kindly let me know

So, I tucked it back in again

I WAS ALMOST DROWNED

 

I was almost drowned

Just a few miles from shore

And my life passed before my eyes

God it was a total bore

HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER

 

He was a serious swimmer

And was in the pool constantly

But his progress was halted

In his lane, by an elderly lady

“How long must I wait?” he asked

She replied “until I finish my pee”

MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW

 

My prospective father in law

Finally fell in love with me

At the precise moment

He found out I had a BSC 

 

Why he was so excited

Is a real mystery to me

A bronze swimming certificate

Is that prestigious, really?

DUE TO A WATER SHORTAGE IN WOKING

Due to a water shortage in Woking

The Council has issued an edict

And the swimming pools response

Is to close lanes four, five and six 

I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

 

I got caught taking a piss

In the local swimming pool

The lifeguard shouted so loud,

I nearly fell in. the bloody fool

DON’T GO IN THE WATER

I don’t like swimming in the sea

I don’t care what you say it’s not for me

It’s not that I’m scared of sharks or eels

Or that I don’t like how a jelly fish feels

It’s not even because of stone fish stings

Or the flotsam and jetsam the tide brings

You may think my phobia quite absurd

But I can’t be swimming along with a turd 

A GOOD EXERCISE

 

Exercise is a good thing

Pushing your body physically

It can take many forms

I like cycling particularly

I like golf and swimming

I like long walks, especially

When they are taken by
People who annoy me

BREAST STROKE MODE

When Bimbette the model Was still at school

She lost in a race in the swimming pool

It was the breast stroke race she came last in

Because her competitors used their arms to swim 

Uncanny Tales – (020) Unsuitable Viewing at the Lido

 

When I was growing up in the sixties we lived in North London and one of the things I really loved to do was to go swimming and we were quite well fixed for pools in the area and I would swim until the chlorinated water left my eyes red and sore.

But of all the pools I swam in, the one I loved to swim in most of all was the Durnsford Road Lido, especially during the summer months.

It was only sixpence to get in and for that paltry sum you could stay all day long, which of course I did and I would spend as many days of the holidays there as I could, playing with friends and watching Mad Jack stunt diving off the high platform.

When I first started to go there it was just a joy to spend all the time in the sparkling water.

As I got older, I would come to appreciate the many delicacies on which to feast the eyes upon, delicacies invisible to the eye of the eleven-year-old boy who first visited the pool.

 

On one particular visit after I’d got the maximum value from my sixpence and enjoyed a full day in the pool, I was getting changed and I caught sight of something quite disturbing as an old man stepped out of the shower.

Though when I say he was an old man I should point out that from the perspective of a teenage boy everyone over twenty was old.

But just as he passed me he lowered his towel, though not in a pervy way, and he revealed the biggest scrotum I had ever seen, before or since, not that I had seen a lot of scrota and those I had seen belonged to my peer group so were somewhat pink and hairless.

But not only was this old man’s scrotum huge it was also purple, in fact it looked like a large purple boxing glove.

I was taken aback by the extraordinary spectacle but with my limited knowledge of old men’s genitalia I was left to conclude that I was destined to acquire a large purple ball bag of my own one day, and as I stood there holding my speedos in front of my shrivelled specimen I thought

“If I’m going to get one like that, then I’m definitely going to need bigger trunks”

 

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'

I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

 

I got caught taking a piss

In the local swimming pool

The lifeguard shouted so loud,

I nearly fell in. the bloody fool

IT HAPPENED AT THE LIDO – A GIRL NAMED MARIA

 

When I was growing up in the sixties we lived in North London and one of the things I really loved to do was to go swimming.

We were quite well fixed for pools in the area, and I would swim until the chlorinated water left my eyes red and sore.

But of all the pools I swam in, the one I loved to swim in most of all was the Durnsford Road Lido especially during the summer months.

It was only sixpence to get in and for that poultry sum you could stay all day long which of course I did, and I would spend as many days of the holidays there as I could.

Playing with friends and watching Mad Jack stunt diving off the high platform.

When I first started to go there it was just a joy to spend all the time in the sparkling water.

As I got older, I would come to appreciate the many delicacies on which to feast the eyes upon, delicacy’s invisible to the eye of the eleven-year-old boy who first visited the pool.

 

Whenever I arrived there was always someone there that I knew so even if I went on my own, I could quite easily hook up with someone.

Some of them I knew from school others from where I lived, and some were friends of friends.

I always used to take an old penny in the pool, and we would take turns diving down for it or a group of us would play tag.

It was the same friends and the same games every year.

 

On one particular day when I was thirteen, I went with a friend called Keith and his cousin Simon and after spending about an hour diving for a coin we sat on the side of the pool and watched the leathery skinned Mad Jack perform one of his eccentric dives from the high board

Almost before the ripples had subsided Maria Saunders and her friend Lucy ran up behind us and pushed me and Keith in the pool and a chase ensued resulting in Maria and Lucy being thrown in the 8-foot end and then being thoroughly dunked.

This was the normal exchange between the four of us and it had been the way of it since we were first years.

This time however when the four of us played tag it was different.

I eventually caught Maria after a long chase and during the ensuing grapple something happened that had never happened before during our horseplay.

I got a hard on, we had played that game hundreds of times without as much as a tickle in my trunks. 

My first reaction to this unwelcome intrusion was to let go of Maria and swim away.

But the erection merely faded temporarily and as the game of tag continued it returned with a vengeance whenever I got in close proximity of Maria and that afternoon, we seemed destined to be in close proximity most of the time.

After the third attempt at swimming away failed to diminish my woody, I abandoned the  

Tactic.

After all, holding onto Marias voluptuous form whilst sporting a boner was not an unpleasant experience and if she didn’t mind then I didn’t.

I realise looking back that Maria was well aware of my discomfiture and made sure that she rubbed up against me.

Our clinches lasted much longer than normal, and Maria must have been aware of my erection prodding at her nether regions, but she was clearly not repulsed by it, in fact it was her more than I who seemed the most reluctant to desist from our embrace.

And so like an eager confused puppy humping a stranger’s leg I had my first ejaculation in the presence of another human being rubbing up against Maria Saunders.

Happily, although it was the first, I’m pleased to say that it was not to be the last time with Maria, in the pool or out of it.

Wearing a rather smug expression Maria stayed close to me the rest of the day and afterwards I walked her home.

IT HAPPENED AT THE LIDO – UNSUITABLE VIEWING FOR A BOY

When I was growing up in the sixties we lived in North London and one of the things I really loved to do was to go swimming.

We were quite well fixed for pools in the area, and I would swim until the chlorinated water left my eyes red and sore.

But of all the pools I swam in, the one I loved to swim in most of all was the Durnsford Road Lido especially during the summer months.

It was only sixpence to get in and for that poultry sum you could stay all day long which of course I did, and I would spend as many days of the holidays there as I could.

Playing with friends and watching Mad Jack stunt diving off the high platform.

When I first started to go there it was just a joy to spend all the time in the sparkling water.

As I got older, I would come to appreciate the many delicacies on which to feast the eyes upon, delicacy’s invisible to an eleven-year-old boy’s eye.

 

On one particular visit after I’d got the maximum value from my sixpence and enjoyed a full day in the pool.

I was getting changed I caught sight of something quite disturbing as an old man stepped out of the shower.

Though when I say he was an old man I should point out that from the perspective of an eleven-year-old everyone over twenty was old.

But just as he passed me, he lowered his towel, though not in a pervy way, and he revealed the biggest scrotum I had ever seen, not that I had seen a lot of scrota and those I had seen belonged to my peer group so were somewhat pink and hairless.

But not only was this old man’s scrotum huge it was also purple, in fact it looked like a large purple boxing glove.

I was taken aback by the extraordinary spectacle but with my limited knowledge of old men’s genitalia I was left to conclude that I was destined to acquire a large purple ball bag of my own.

And as I stood there holding my speedos in front of my shrivelled specimen, I thought

“If I’m going to get one like that, then I’m definitely going to need bigger trunks”