ARE YOU WEARING ANY?

 

Are you wearing any?

Beneath your tartan gear

Because if your kilt flares up

There will be a raucous cheer

ON BURNS NIGHT

 

On Burns Night

One thing you must do

Is to eat the Haggis

Before it eats you

THE HAGGIS

 

Haggis is made from sheep's offal

Oatmeal, suet, seasoning and onions

Stuffed inside of a sheep stomach

Which has to be one of Heston’s creations

THE REASON THEY PIPE IN THE HAGGIS

 

The reason they pipe in the haggis

Without any fluster or hurry

Is to warn the discerning diner

So they can go and get a curry

HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL

 

Heralding its arrival

A lone piper suitably bedecked

Leads the procession

To the hosts table unchecked

It’s delivered to the supper

With such deferential respect

Then addressed and served

Not to eat it shows disrespect

Well if I’ve eaten anything fouler

Then I truly cannot recollect

BURNS NIGHT SUPPER

 

With Haggis, Tatties and Nips

The Scots celebrate Burns night

They pipe it in with Bagpipes

And that’s really not right

What the hell is wrong with them

I thought they actually liked him

IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

 

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize

Was very highly sought after

For it allowed the winner to pass

On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper

ARE YOU WEARING ANY?

 

Are you wearing any?

Beneath your tartan gear

Because if your kilt flares up

There will be a raucous cheer

HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL

 

Heralding its arrival

A lone piper suitably bedecked

Leads the procession

To the hosts table unchecked

It’s delivered to the supper

With such deferential respect

Then addressed and served

Not to eat it shows disrespect

Well if I’ve eaten anything fouler

Then I truly cannot recollect

ARE YOU WEARING A TARTAN SKIRT?

 

Are you wearing a Tartan skirt?

And what’s above your socks?

If I were able to take a look

I could maybe see the Trossachs

IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

 

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize

Was very highly sought after

For it allowed the winner to pass

On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper

ON BURNS NIGHT

 

On Burns Night

One thing you must do

Is to eat the Haggis

Before it eats you

BURNS NIGHT SUPPER

 

With Haggis, Tatties and Nips

The Scots celebrate Burns night

They pipe it in with Bagpipes

And that’s really not right

What the hell is wrong with them

I thought they actually liked him

THE HAGGIS

 

Haggis is made from sheep's offal

Oatmeal, suet, seasoning and onions

Stuffed inside of a sheep stomach

Which has to be one of Heston’s creations

THE REASON THEY PIPE IN THE HAGGIS

 

The reason they pipe in the haggis

Without any fluster or hurry

Is to warn the discerning diner

So they can go and get a curry

ON BURNS NIGHT

 

On Burns Night

One thing you must do

Is to eat the Haggis

Before it eats you

IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

 

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize

Was very highly sought after

For it allowed the winner to pass

On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper

BURNS NIGHT SUPPER

 

With Haggis, Tatties and Nips

The Scots celebrate Burns night

They pipe it in with Bagpipes

And that’s really not right

What the hell is wrong with them

I thought they actually liked him

A Little Bit Of Humour # 163

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (9)

Dad said “I’m going to Thailand
To an island called Phuket”
I replied to him "That will be nice,
But you don’t say it like that”

PANAMA HATS

Regarding which country makes
Panama hats, I was seriously misled
It turns out they’re not Panamanian
And are made in Ecuador instead

FIRST GRADE CADDY

His five-year-old nephew wanted
To caddy for him on his Golf round
“You have to count my strokes,
So, your counting has to be sound”
The Uncle explained, then asked
“How much is six, plus nine?”
“Five,” answered the nephew.
The Uncle said, “Ok that’s fine”

BE MY VALENTINE # 2

On Valentine’s Day
The chocolate syrup said to the ice cream
“I'm sweet on you!”
While the pencil said to the paper
“I dot my i's on you!”
And the light bulb asked his girlfriend
Do I mean a whole watt to you?”

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN JEWISH?

Could Jesus have been Jewish?
It is the most likely eventuality
As He Did go into His Father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin
And she was sure He was God, so maybe

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 2

The old saying goes that “A volunteer
Is worth Ten pressed men”
Well volunteers are all well and good
But a pressed man are really good
At getting through narrow gaps

MARITAL HONESTY

“It's just too hot to wear clothes today so I
Think I’ll cut the lawn naked, honey?”
She replied “Ok, if you don’t mind the neighbours
Thinking I married you for your money”

ROSES ARE FLOWERS

Roses are flowers
Violets are flowers
You’re allergic to flowers
Ooops my bad

NICKNAMED SNOW PLOUGH

When my brother was a young man
He had a well earned nickname
They called him the “snow plough”
Because of his appetite for cocaine

PEACHES SAID TO BIMBETTE

Peaches said to Bimbette
“I’ve slept with a Brazilian”
“OMG Peachy” she retorted
“How many is a Brazilian?”

MY WIFE IS A BAKER OF BREAD

My wife is a Baker of bread
And rolls both plain and seedy
She is a very difficult woman
And I find her to be very kneady

TEMPLE WALLS ARE STRAIGHT AND TALL

Temple walls are straight and tall
But my body is not like a temple at all
I have curves and am short in stature
I'm more like a disused rollercoaster

A Little Bit Of Humour # 161

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 395

Saturday's child
Works hard for its living,
(So clearly not a benefit scrounger)

ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 2

Are you wearing red?
To signify the party you’re in
Well done, congratulations
You made a decision Mr Corbyn

THE MOST DEPRESSING THING ABOUT TENNIS

The most depressing thing about Tennis
Is that no matter how well I hit the ball
And how much time I spend practising,
I'm never going to be as good as the wall

MY WIFE AND I ALWAYS COMPROMISE

My wife and I always compromise
That’s the secret to being happy
Our compromise is, that I admit
I'm wrong and she agrees with me

ONE DAY A COMPUTER

One day a computer
Actually beat me at chess,
I didn’t take it well,
I was a total mess
So we had a rematch
To go tit for tat
But he was no match for me
With a baseball bat

TIMES ARE BAD AND GETTING WORSE

Times are bad and getting worse
And I’m shocked at the severity
As the light at the end of the tunnel
Has been turned off due to austerity

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Everything happens for a reason,
Is the generally accepted view
Unfortunately you must admit
That sometimes the reason is you

BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THEIR MALES

Black Widow spiders kill their males
After mating, before the afterglow starts
And the reason for that is quite simple
It’s to stop the snoring before it starts

EYES BIGGER THAN MY BELLY

Eyes bigger than my belly
Especially for cake and jelly
My appetite no one could stifle
After I got an eye full of trifle

I HAD A “GRUMPY OLD MAN” MUG

I had a “grumpy old man” mug
And my grandchildren got it
But I turned into a “Grumpy old man”
When I accidentally smashed it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 396

The child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay
(my wife is Sundays child, so I would have to dissagree)

ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?

Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia

ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?

Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead