21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 125

 

Little Bobby Snooks was fond of his books,

And loved by his mother and father;

But the kind of books, read by Bobby Snooks,

were pornographic in nature

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SHOCKING?

 

Are you wearing something shocking?

Beneath your beautiful wedding dress

Well, it’s not the stockings and suspenders

But your tattooed arse that will cause distress

Uncanny Tales – (068) Remembering Bernadette

 

Colin Smith smiled when he remembered his very first girlfriend, her name was Bernadette O’Flaherty, and he would be the first one to admit that she was ever so slightly unattractive.

Bernadette's complexion was best described as porridge like, and she had an unflattering monobrow which prompted his brother Phil to suggested she must have fallen from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Although she was considered quite a looker where she was born in Blackheath despite a large warty nose and a bit of a ginger moustache, and tufts of red hair under her arms which looked like she was smuggling a pair of ginger hamsters, and she had a funny eye, so it appeared that one was looking at you and the other one was looking for you, but love is blind, so they say.

Phil told him she had a face like a smashed crab or a bag full of spanners, but beauty is only skin deep, though it often looked like she had hers on inside out, and she was best viewed in a dimmed light.

Phil suggested viewing her from a distance would be preferable, which Colin thought was a bit unkind, however he did always think it was best not to see her naked form but tackle her from behind in the dark.

Her hairy legs and hairy nipples didn’t help, and her figure was less curvy and more saggy.

She was older than him by a few years and had certainly been around the block and she was a bit of an old banger but on long cold dark nights she was a real bundle of fun even if she did have a face like a well smacked arse, Bernadette was more than acceptable for a shy young man to practice on.

LESBIAN CARPENTER

 

My sister has an unusual trade,

She is a lesbian carpenter

There are certain criteria

Which really seem to suit her

No male / female joining

No screwing required

No nuts or penetrative bolts

Only tongue and groove is desired

SHOT WITH A STARTING PISTOL

 

A man living in Bristol

Has been shot with a starting pistol;

The police have now stated

That it's definitely race related.

DO YOU NEED A BAG

A man said to the chemist

"Give me three packets of condoms miss."

She replied, "Do you need a bag, sir?"

He said, “No she’s quite a looker”

FISHY BLONDE

Bimbette took her goldfish to the vet

"I think it's got epilepsy" Bimbette said.

The Vet took a good long look

Then stood scratching his head

 

"It seems calm enough to me".

Said the puzzled vet,

Bimbette replied

"I haven't taken it out of the water yet".

ALPINE QUERY

 

“Dad, Dad where are the Alps”?

“I’m sorry son I cannot say

Ask your mother she’s the one

Who tidies all the stuff away”?

SLEEPLESS NIGHT

 

I lay in bed quite restless

In a measure of distress

Uncomfortable in my nightdress

And I started to obsess

 

Why was the sun an absentee?

Then quite suddenly

At half past three

It dawned on me

DRUNK DRIVING

 

He was driving home,

Shit faced drunk

Pissed as a cricket

Drunk as a skunk

 

Suddenly he swerved

To avoid a tree,

Then another, then another.

Then another tree

 

The police stopped him

For driving erratically

“Having a little trouble”?

The cop asked sarcastically

 

The drunk told the cop

About the trees everywhere

The cop just pointed

To the air freshener hanging there

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 124

 

Cock a doodle doo,

My wife has lost her shoe;

Oh what a convenient confidence trick

Just so she can buy some new

BLONDE NITWIT

 

A traffic cop saw Bimbette knitting while driving

And couldn’t believe his eyes at all

He angrily shouted at her “Pull over, pull over”

She shouted back “no, it’s a shawl”

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING WICKED?

 

Are you wearing something wicked?

Are you black clad beneath the white?

Underneath your dress are you silkily encased?

For a very wicked wedding night

OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 2

Though not the type

To put it about

She was a looker

Without a doubt

It’s a shame

I’m not in with a shout

I’ll just go home

And knock one out 

MY MISSING WIFE

 

My wife has been missing for a week

The Police haven’t found her yet

They told me to prepare for the worst

So, I've put all her clothes back in the closet

DYNAMITE BLONDE

 

The body builder took off his vest

And Bimbette said, "What a Great chest

It’s because of all the exercising maybe”

He said, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

 

The body builder took off his trousers

And Bimbette said “Oh wowsers

What great legs you have, strong like iron!”

He said, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Hon”'

The body builder took off his shorts

But instead of complimentary retorts

Bimbette ran away screaming in fear

“I’m getting the hell out of here”

 

He quickly got dressed and followed on

And earnestly asked her what was wrong

“I got afraid of all that dynamite because

When I saw how short the fuse was!”

HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR

 

I told a joke about alternative medicine

And it only raised a smirk

That’s the problem with Homeopathic humour

It doesn’t really work

WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY

 

My wife and I walked passed,

A very posh restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"

She said and she was quite right

 

Being something of a thoughtful man

I mused as we walked along the street 

“Oh, what the hell she deserves it”

So, I walked her passed again as a treat

SHIRK ETHIC

 

I’m not possessed of the work ethic

But I don’t mind going there

However, the eight-hour wait

To go home is a real nightmare

ALIMONY VENDOR

 

A sign on the vending machine read

This machine takes all your money

And gives nothing in return

I thought not unlike my ex-wife, Honey

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 123

 

When I was a bachelor, I lived by myself,

but people told me not to get left on the shelf

So, I made up my mind and got me a wife

Too late I realised I had surrendered my life

ARE YOU WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR?

 

 

Are you wearing clean underwear?

That’s what my mum asked me. I swear

Every time I left the house to go out

Are you wearing clean underwear? She’d shout

As I proceeded swiftly with my fleeing

But her concern was not for my well being

She was worried about her embarrassment

If I were to suffer a serious accident

And be undressed by the nursing staff

Where my dirty pants would raise a laugh

MODERN AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERING

 

Conceived by savants

Designed by computers

Precision Built by robots

And driven by commuters

FLIRT IN A SKIRT

 

Everything limber

Everything pert

The quivering flesh

In a well filled shirt

The flattering flutter

Of a pleated skirt

The coquettish look

Of an obvious flirt

OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 1

 

Long slender legs

That caught the eye

Atop a stockinged limb

A glimpse of thigh

A hint of lace

As she passes by

And a look that says

“Don’t even try”

BUFF

 

You’re really buff

You’re a bit of fluff

You’re a bit of stuff

Are you buff in the buff?

WENDY FOY

 

Sweet Wendy Foy

Fancied trendy Roy

Roy was a friendly boy

Who used Wendy Foy

Like a bendy toy

She enjoyed un-bendy Roy

And his trendy toy

That gave Wendy Joy

THE STUFF OF DREAMS

 

Let me say this from the start

You’re a lovely bit of stuff

I say this in all sincerity

You’re a gorgeous piece of fluff

I can’t emphasize this enough

You are truly cute and buff

What I wouldn’t freely give

To spy you in the buff

And what I wouldn’t do

For a glimpse of your chuff

Just to see if there is parity

Between collar and cuff

INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOURS

 

At 3am there was a knock at the door

It was my neighbour, the cheeky little strumpet

3 o’clock in the morning, can you believe that?

Having the door knocked by some bit of crumpet

All I can say is that it was lucky for the little madam

I was still up playing my trumpet

MATRIMONIAL BEQUEST

 

He called out to his wife

As he sat watching TV

"When I die, I’m going to leave

Everything to you, sweetie!"

She shouted back,

"You already do, you lazy B"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 122

 

Mary loved her little lamb

Every single day of course

But most of all on Sunday

With homemade mint sauce

ARE YOU WEARING A NEGLIGEE?

 

Are you wearing a negligee?

It’s really very nice, I must say

I can see through it all the way

Every line, every curve, every dip

But if I might just offer a little tip

The foliage could do with a clip

I REALLY NEED TO MODERATE # 3

 

I really need to moderate

The way I live my life

Last night I drank so much

I turned into my wife

 

I failed to grasp simple logic

And became overly emotional

Then I talked incessantly

And made no sense at all

F.L.O.

 

The police knocked at my door

And gave me the fright of my life

First, they asked me my name

Then showed me a picture of the wife

 

“I’m afraid it looks like she’s been

Hit by a bus,” the officer said to me

I nodded and said in reply “I know

But she has a lovely personality”

FEMININE CONUNDRUM # 2

 

How is it that women can go through childbirth?

With all its inherent agony

Yet manage to scare themselves to death

At the sight of a dust bunny

I’M A FREE AGENT ONCE AGAIN

 

I’m a free agent once again

Since I broke up with my optician girlfriend

She was very nice but to be honest

It was our sex life in the end

That broke up our bliss

She kept saying “is it better like this or this”?

BLONDE SHOWER

 

Bimbette was in the shower

And spent all day in the en suite

Because it said on the shampoo bottle

“Lather, Rinse, Repeat”

CRASH PROCEDURE

 

As the 747 was falling

Uncontrollably from the sky

A female passenger ripped off her clothes

And began to cry

“Can someone make me feel like a real woman?

Before I die”?

A man stood up and took off his shirt

“Here iron this,” said the guy

TOOTING

 

Come and hear grandpa play

His tuneful little flageolet

Come hear the Zufolo toot

And listen to his fipple flute

FAST CARS

 

Cars keep getting faster and faster

Hurtling from disaster to disaster

We should slow them down again

To the speed of the driver’s brain

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 121

 

Mary had a little drink

And got pissed as a cricket

She was found in the woods

Showing the boys her thicket

ARE YOU WEARING AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

 

Are you wearing an engagement ring?

Oh isn’t it a beautifully sparkly thing

It clearly signifies as it sparkles in the light

That you haven’t yet married Mr Right

So even if the answer might well be no

It’s definitely well worth giving it a go

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 12

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working as an elocutionist

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the clients

When it says Enunciate, Enunciate

COUNTRY WATCH

 

I went to the countryside

And you know when I looked

I could see animals roaming about

That were totally uncooked

I REALLY NEED TO MODERATE # 2

 

I really need to moderate

The way I live my life

Last night I drank so much

I turned into my wife

 

I lost the ability to rationalise

I couldn’t think logically

And couldn’t grasp the offside law

Then I had to sit down to pee

FEMININE CONUNDRUM # 1

 

I will never understand women

How is it they can pour wax, molten

Onto their naked flesh and then to boot

Rip it off pulling out the hair by the root

And yet can by completely terrified by

A spider that’s even smaller than a fly

DO AS I SAY

 

My wife said, “Take off all my clothes

And throw them on the floor”

I was taken aback to be honest

Then she said “and don’t wear them anymore”

BLONDICIDE

 

Bimbette was found in her cell

Hanging by the ankles from a beam

She claims it was a suicide attempt

This is normal for her it would seem

 

When she was told that to kill herself

The rope would need to be around her throat

She said that she had tried that first

But she stopped when she started to choke

REFRESHING SUPPORT

 

My wife left the house last week

For a pint of milk and never came back

Everyone keeps asking how I’m coping

But I used the powdered or had it black

BLONDE BIRD

 

Peaches suddenly said

“Look at the dead bird there”

Bimbette at once looked up

And said “where”?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 120

 

There was a little girl,

Who had a little curl,

Right in the middle of her forehead.

No one was to tease      

That everyone agreed

As she was the daughter of Herman Munster

ARE YOU WEARING A WEDDING RING?

 

Are you wearing a wedding ring?

Well never mind about that old thing

You’re only married, you haven’t died

Come on you know you want to inside

Don’t worry about the wedding ring

Come on have some fun let’s have a fling

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working as an un-packer

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the workers

When it says Extricate, Extricate

ARE YOU WEARING ONE?

 

Are you wearing one?

Then you’ll get none

No glove

No love

THE RAVAGES OF TIME

 

Each year shall be recorded

In your now pretty face

Soon your youth will vanish

Fading without a trace

And with each passing year

You will slowly lose the race

You will fall further behind

Until you are in last place

And a lifetime will be recorded

In your now pretty face

IF YOU SHOULD FIND

 

If you should find

Three hand grenades one day

Take them to a police station

And should one explode on the way

You can tell the police

You only found two anyway

I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY

I’m ready for a holiday

With blue skies and sand and sea

But if my wife doesn’t get pregnant

I’m taking her with me 

VAGUE INTEREST

 

When first I saw her

I thought her vaguely fascinating

But on further study

She was only fascinatingly vague

ON ALERT

I hate living under the threat

Of terrorism every day

I can remember when if you saw

An unattended bag on the railway

You would say to yourself

I’m going to have that away

  

THE SAME OLD COIFFURE

Sally always had

The same old coiffure

And thought that

Her marriage was secure

But her husband chose

A new style of hair

And she found one day

He was no longer there 

I REALLY NEED TO MODERATE # 1

I really need to moderate

The way I live my life

Last night I drank so much

I turned into my wife

 

I argued over nothing at all

Behaved like a holy terror

And I refused to apologise

When I was obviously in error 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 119

 

Mary had a little lamb

She also had a horse

She could never eat her ride

But lamb with mint sauce?

ARE YOU WEARING UNDER CRACKERS?

 

Are you wearing under crackers?

To cover up your knackers

Is the boxer revolution

Your best underwear solution

Or do they dangle to and fro

As you walk about commando

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 10

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the Hotel

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the Guests

When it says Remunerate, Remunerate

BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 2

 

I stay in the relationship

Even though it’s not right

At the end of the day

I stay with her out of spite

PRISONERS ARE SUCH A NUISANCE

 

Prisoners are such a nuisance

When they are justly contained

Because of human rights

We can’t keep them restrained

And it’s so labour intensive

To keep them all entertained

WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP

 

Working in a sweat shop

Is, dawn to dusk, sew-sew

Conditions are appalling

And never thought so-so

I DON’T GO ON TWITTER

 

I don’t go on Twitter

To follow celebrity chatter

I find them contemptible

They should rename it Twatter

MATERNAL ABSTINENCE

My mum never touches strong drink

Which is her defensive buffering

Though not on religious grounds

It would interfere with her suffering

MATERNAL QUALIFICATIONS

 

Mum should be a parole officer

Because in her defence

With her around

No one finishes a sentence

SHOPPING ASSISTANCE

 

I went into an electrical shop

And could find no one to assist

I got angrier and angrier

Until finally I couldn’t resist

“Can someone sell me a toaster”

I shouted in a frustrated tiz 

A female assistant said “Kenwood?”

I took a deep breath and responded

“Let me explain something Ms

I just want someone to sell me a toaster

I don’t care what his name is”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 118

 

When good King Arthur ruled this land,

He was a goodly King;

But Lancelot did shag the Queen

And that was not the thing

So, he killed the Queen but spared Lance

As he was still loyal to his King

ARE YOU WEARING A CARNATION?

 

Are you wearing a carnation?

To mark you out at the station

As you stand beneath the clock

In your best evening frock

Or do you keep it under your cloak

Until you get a look at the bloke

And if you don’t fancy him

Do you throw it in the bin?

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 9

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working as a Miner

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the workers

When it says Excavate, Excavate

SENIOR REVELATION

 

One day you look in the mirror

And beneath the lathers

You realize that the face

You are shaving is your fathers

THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE

 

Rather than eating chicken soup

Just laugh a little every day

It’s much more beneficial

Well, that’s what the chickens say

SEND FOR THE UNDERTAKER

 

Oh God I feel so old

Just send for the undertaker 

I’ve started making the same noises

As my coffee maker

SHOPPING ENCOUNTER

 

Their eyes met at the supermarket

She clearly recognized him

But he was drawing a blank

So, a smile was exchanged between them

 

She decided to break the ice

And pleasantly, said "Hello!"

She obviously knew him

She was a stranger to him though

 

So, he asked, "Do you know me?

You do look familiar” he lied

"I think you're the father

Of one of my kids." She replied,

 

“Are you the drunken cheerleader?

I shagged under the bleachers’”

She gave him a look and said

“No, I'm one of your son's teachers"

BIG BONED

 

No, you don’t have “big bones”

That belief is mere folly

Let’s face it you’re just fat

It’s a shame you’re not jolly

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SICK

 

You have just been sick

And not just a bit

So, stop pretending

And spare me the wit

It isn’t just a hiccup

With some pizza in it

BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 1

 

I stay in the relationship

Even though it’s crappy

Because with someone else

She might turn out to be happy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 117

“Where are you going, my pretty maid?"

"I'm going clubbing, mate," she said.

"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"

"Only if you're paying, mate," she said.

ARE YOU WEARING A FLOWER?

 

Are you wearing a flower?

Pinned to your lapel

A Rose or a Carnation

So, your date can easily tell

Who you are in the crowd

And you can see them as well

 

But if you cannot spot them

Stood beneath the tower

And you find yourself alone

Long after the allotted hour

Somewhere on the floor

Will be a discarded flower

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 8

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the theme park

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the visitors

When it says Exhilarate, Exhilarate

WITH SALT WATER BLOOD

 

With saltwater blood

The valiant mariners

Are bound to the sea

By unseen chains

And serve their mistress

In sun and rain

But when gales blow

And storm and tempest

Batters and bloodies

They pray to the master

To be carried to shore

And when land sits

Beneath their feet

They crave a deck

And a rolling sea

And are drawn back

To their mistress

IN THE AUTUMN OF MY YEARS

 

In the autumn of my years

In the twilight of the setting suns

Will I become that which I despise?

A burden to my loved ones

DARKNESS EVADES THE LIGHT

 

Darkness evades the light

It retreats into tight corners

And hides just out of reach

Where the light stops short

And the darkness waits

Patiently biding its time

As the day ebbs away

And the shadows lengthen

Until the darkness rules again

TRUE COOL

 

They’re the “in crowd”

The cool ones

The clique

 

Wearing the right clothes

Saying the right things

Defining cool

 

The un-cool sit

On the outside looking in

Wishing to be “in”

 

They bully and barrack

And show off to the crowd

The shallow crew

 

Sneering at cleverness

Shaming the boffins

In front of their crowd

 

Soon they will know

They have no future

They’re the cool fools

 

Don’t be envious

Stay with your piers

Friendship rocks

 

Just stand fast

Stick with your friends

That’s true cool

FROZEN WINDOWS

 

Bimbette texted Peaches "Windows

@ home, frozen - what should I do?"

Peaches texted back “use some de-icer

Or boiling water will probably do”

Bimbette “OK, computer went bang

And lights have fused too"

CAR DEAL

 

After passing his driving test, a teenage boy,

Asked his dad if he would buy him a car

Dad thought about it for a while and replied

“If you do better at school than you have so far,

Go to church every Sunday without fail

And get a haircut. I will buy you a car”

 

After a few months had passed the boy

Asked his dad if he would buy him a car

Dad thought about it for a while and replied

“Well, you have improved at school by far

And you’ve gone to church every Sunday

But you still need a haircut, so no car”

 

The boy replied, “Since going to church

I have learned a very great deal so far

Samson, John the Baptist, Moses, and Jesus

All had long hair, so we are on a par"
Dad smiled and said, “They may all have had

Long hair but none of them had a car”

THE END OF ROMANCE

 

I knew the very moment that

The romance had died, it was after

I drank from my wife’s slipper

And almost choked on a corn plaster

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 116

 

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,

Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.

He does it for attention so everyone can see

Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 7

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at Tesco’s

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the shoppers

When it says Extortionate, Extortionate

ARE YOU WEARING BODY PAINT?

 

Are you wearing body paint?

Don’t tell me that you aint

Now you’ve got me in a fluster

I can see its glorious lustre

What a sexy sight to savour

What? It’s chocolate flavour?

Don’t tease me now stop it

There’s only one thing can top it

I’ll tell you and no mistake

And that’s a Cadbury’s flake

FIRST SIGNS OF AGEING

She looked in the mirror

Then she started to cry

She had seen her first grey hair

And she thought she'd dye

ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE - ACUPUNCTURE

 

When you finish the treatment

You feel like number one

I would certainly recommend it

Acupuncture is a jab well done

CITY OF ANGELS

 

The smog sits over Los Angeles

On another California day

But when the smog finally lifts

U.C.L.A.

A SEISMIC SHIFT

 

An eminent professor thought

Her earthquake theory was sound

But soon found her knowledge

Was on very shaky ground

WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS

 

With marriage she got a mixture

Of happiness and stress

A husband and a companion

And a new name and a dress

SOLITUDE IS NOT A NEGATIVE

 

Solitude is not a negative

That’s something I’ve always known

And for the sake of your sanity

Escape the combat zone

And once in a while

Spend some time alone

AT LONG DISTANT HILLS

 

In my youth I looked fearlessly

At long distant hills

Squinting to bring them into focus

With a feeling of contempt

But old age has quickly delivered me

To those once distant hills

As now I stand before them

And I am fearful

Feeling contempt for myself

For not embracing every step

Along that short journey

But its only idle reflection

And regret is useless

For the hills are no longer distant

And now the race is almost run

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 115

Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,

The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;

As a mark of dishonour to shame them

But they carry on as before these banking men 

ARE YOU WEARING LILY OF THE VALLEY?

 

Are you wearing

“Lily of the valley”?

It smells very much

Like you are Sally

So don’t deny it

I can tell that it’s true

“Lily of the valley”?

How old are you?

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 6

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the Uni

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the debaters

When it says Expostulate, Expostulate

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 2

 

Did you hear about the guy?

Who was guillotined and how

His whole left side was cut off

Obviously, he's all right now

FAST TRACK

 

I had to run for the train

And I had my laptop with me

And now it doesn’t work

I must have jogged the memory

POLITICAL IDEOLOGY

 

In a democracy,

It’s your vote that counts;

Which seems perfectly fair

In feudalism,

It’s your Count that votes.

Did you see what I did there?

SNACK TIME

 

When he’s making clocks

And hunger beacons

The clock man will

Go back four seconds.

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 1

One of the guys fell into

The upholstery machine,

He was quickly discovered

 

And they knew what to do

To get him out the machine

Now he’s fully recovered 

PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY

 

He was blessed most verily

With a photographic memory

It was never developed sadly

THE HARDER THEY FALL

 

A universal truth of worth

On which you can truly depend

If they get too big for the britches

They’ll be exposed in the end

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 114

 

Higgledy Piggledy,

My fat hen,

She lays eggs

Full of Collagen

Good for women,

And good for men,

Higgledy Piggledy,

My fat hen!

ARE YOU WEARING A BRASSIERE?

 

Are you wearing a brassiere?

You seem to have a pretty pair

Though I don’t think you’re being fair

Because I know you don’t I Clair

And I must honestly declare

To have spent some time up there

And if it’s not a padded brassier

You’ve got a pair of socks up there

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 5

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the Old Bailey

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the Barristers

When it says Extenuate, Extenuate

BATTERY CONUNDRUM

 

It used to be “batteries not included”

For products small and large

Now they come with batteries

But are they free of charge?

LIVING FROM HAND TO MOUTH

 

She was a manicurist

He was a dentist

And when they wed

It was widely said

That they couldn’t fail

But they fight tooth and nail

DESCENDING SCALE

 

The piano fell down

The mineshaft

And I know that

It sounds a bit daft

 

There was a cacophony

From the Bechstein-er

That eventually resulted

In A flat miner

FISCAL TRUTH

 

If you spend more than you earn

There’s no way to fudge it  

You are stuck with your debts

If you can't manage to budge it

EGGS FOR EGGS

 

I like my eggs fried or poached

And scrambled are a treat

I rather enjoy an omelette

But boiled egg is hard to beat

LOCAL AMENITIES

 

I’ve just been to the shops

They didn’t impress me at all

But if you’ve seen one shopping centre

You’ve seen a mall

TROUBLESOME YOUTH

 

Police were called to the kindergarten

And the reason for the request

Was a troublesome three-year-old

Who was resisting a rest

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 113

 

Jack and Jill went into town

To have a drink with each other

They both fell down

Outside the crown

And then threw up in the gutter

ARE YOU WEARING A WONDER BRA?

 

Are you wearing a wonder bra?

I think you almost certainly are

If you’re not I’ll eat my cigar

Because nature isn’t that bizarre

And doesn’t push them up that far

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 4

 

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks

Most are just scrounging off the state

But there is one working at the Old Bailey

He doesn’t really communicate

And it scares a lot of the Barristers

When it says Exonerate, Exonerate

WHAT DO YOU CALL?

 

What do you call?

The first asylum seeker to appear

From his hiding place

Obviously, it’s Amir 

What do you call?

The second one, come to dwell

To have a better life

His name’s Amir Azwel! 

What do you call?

The third man lithe of limb

Immerging from the truck

Amir Azwel Azim!

CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICKEN

 

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,

Lay a little egg for me.

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,

I want one for my tea

And this time if I don’t get one.

You’ll be dead by half past three.

So, chick, chick, chick, chicken,

They’ll be chicken for my tea

ONCE I ROCKED YOUR WORLD

 

Once I rocked your world

And made you turn and stare

But that was a world away

Now I rock my rocking chair

A MEDICAL MIRACLEA MEDICAL MIRACLE - The alphabet of doom

The alphabet of doom

 

(I’m)

Arthritic,

Bronchial,

Calloused,

(And)

Decaying,

 

Exitial,

Flatulent,

Gaseous,

(And)

Haemorrhoidal,

 

Incontinent,

Jaundiced,

Knackered,

Liver spotted,

(And)

Myopic,

 

Neuralgic,

Overdue,

Preoperative,

(And)

Queasy,

 

Rheumatic,

Shaky,

Tremulous,

Unviable,

(And)

Viral,

 

(A)

Worrywart,

Xanthochroic,

Yellow

(And)

Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)

 

(I’m)

Arthritic,

Bronchial,

Calloused,

(And)

Decaying,

 

Exitial,

Flatulent,

Gaseous,

(And)

Haemorrhoidal,

 

Incontinent,

Jaundiced,

Knackered,

Liver spotted,

(And)

Myopic,

 

Neuralgic,

Overdue,

Preoperative,

(And)

Queasy,

 

Rheumatic,

Shaky,

Tremulous,

Unviable,

(And)

Viral,

 

(A)

Worrywart,

Xanthochroic,

Yellow

(And)

Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)