ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 8

 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour, are not dead

They are in the Australian jungle

Doing “I’m a Celebrity” instead

A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION

 

In order to keep supping

From the gravy train

The hangers on have boarded

The chav express again

 

Moving the Goody show

To the stage from satellite

So they can still cash in

And keep her in the spotlight

 

As if this crazy world

Wasn’t already farcical

Now we have to suffer

Jade the fucking musical

BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT

 

Britain’s got talent

Of that there’s no doubt

Britain’s got talent

The secret is finally out

 

Britain’s got talent

In depth and variety

Britain’s got talent

For every one to see

 

But apart from talent shows

And the Royal Variety

There is no outlet

For these acts on TV

 

Where it not for Blackpool

And Lakeside in Frimley

There would be no outlet at all

For our wonderful variety

 

So Simon Cowell

Master of the TV franchise

Give us more variety on TV

As a feast for our eyes

 

Britain has got talent

An unseen depth of it

But it doesn’t matter

If we never get to see it

I’D DO ANYTHING, REPRISE

 

Just another in a long line

Of talent shows from hell

Just another TV concept

Ringing out its death knell

 

But how clever is the Lord

To have the dear old BBC

Foot the bill for the auditions

Out of the TV license fee

 

Then the members of the public

Who vote as they view

Get to Pay via the phone-ins

For the shows advertising too

AND HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

 

I remember many years ago in the days of Saturday night variety when the TV schedules weren’t filled with programs comprising almost totally of has-beens and nobodies.

The has-beens trying to rekindle their flagging careers by humiliating themselves on national TV by performing like tamed circus animals and the nobodies humiliating themselves through a lack of any kind of talent on an endless stream of repackaged 21^st century “Talent” shows.

One of the great shows of those far off days was The Two Ronnie’s and the reason it has come to mind is one particular gag which was one of the items in their regular closing routine when they would read out spoof news items. Now the one that has come to mind is about a woman who raised a family one handed while waiting for directory enquires.

Well, I know that the old and much maligned directory enquires no longer exist and that we now have a myriad of enquiry services which were set up to break BT’s monopoly which in all honesty has done no one much of a service at all.

In fact, they just seem to exist to add to the ever-growing number of call centres, which have pervaded our everyday lives there should be enough to keep our 21^st century gag writers busy for years.

Waiting for British Gas to phone back for example in fact waiting for British Gas to anything should furnish enough humour for a mini series.

Of course, the new curse of the age is the overseas call center chiefly the Indian variety.

I had a call yesterday from a young woman who spoke like Madur Jaffrey and claimed to be named Jane Smith.

Now I come to mention it there was a Jane smith who accompanied the Jon Pertwee incarnation of Dr Who perhaps it was here.

I’ve also been called, in the last two weeks, by Andy, Steve, Jason, Michael and Owen then only ten minutes ago by Rachel Hunter.

I don’t know what she was selling I just said if you’re Rachel Hunter then I’m Pierce Brosnan and hung up.

I have heard, although it could just be an urban myth, that the staff has daily briefing where they get updated on the UK weather forecast, news bulletins and the current plot lines of Eastenders and Coronation Street.

Now I struggle to follow Enders and Corrie myself so I cant imagine it makes any sense at all if you haven’t seen it.

All of this does seem to beg the question that if there is nothing fundamentally wrong with operating call center’s overseas why do they go to such great lengths to convince us they are somewhere in Britain.

HIGHLANDER

 

Great news of a new reality show that might even be worth watching.

Highlander – (There can be only one)

All the competitors need to do is perfect a really dodgy accent, grow their hair long and dress flamboyantly.

Some degree of expertise with a sword might be useful but not essential and then the public get to vote on who they would like to see decapitated.

Get Laurence Llewellyn Bowen to host and it can’t fail.

NEW REALITY SHOW

 

Hot off the press, news of a new reality show has been leaked to the national press.

The show, to be screened later this year, is to be hosted by the same diminutive pair of talent less Geordie lads who seem to host everything else on Saturday nights.

The format is fairly standard and will have the traditional panel led by an ill-mannered oily type dressed in all black, someone with no talent for anything like the wide mouth creature married to the Prime Minister and someone either from the religious community like the gay Bishop or they will try to go for rating and settle for Sting or Madonna.

However, breaking with tradition, the object of the show is not as is usual to inflict a bunch of wannabee nobodies onto a Saturday night audience to apathetic even to change channel.

Refreshingly the purpose of this one is to select a new pontiff when the current one gives up the ghost and the show will be called Pope Idol.

IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?

 

A new quiz show is coming very soon

It will be a one off though to be fair

Its only open to uniformed doormen

It’s “who wants to be a commissionaire”

REALLY?

 

The latest TV craze is for reality shows

And they seem that they are at their peak

There are some new ones starting very soon

In fact, the first of them starts next week

And they have chosen a religious theme

In order to tap into the large Christian poll

The first one is aimed at the Roman Catholics

To choose a new pontiff and called “pope idol”

Then for the Protestant’s to keep a balance

For church choristers and singers of gospels

The host is a tall, bearded man named Mathew

The show will be called “stars in your aisles”

I’D DO ANYTHING

“I’d do anything” how apt a title
A motto for the wannabee
A catch phrase for the starstruck
And all those lacking dignity

I’D DO ANYTHING, REPRISE

Just another in a long line
Of talent shows from hell
Just another TV concept
Ringing out its death knell

But how clever is the Lord
To have the dear old BBC
Foot the bill for the auditions
Out of the TV license fee

Then the members of the public
Who vote as they view
Get to Pay via the phone-ins
For the shows advertising too