ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – KEY LARGO (1948)

 

Key Largo, directed by John Huston, is a post war triller in which Frank McCloud (Humphrey Bogart) travels to a seedy run-down hotel on Key Largo to honour the memory of a friend who died bravely in his unit during WW II.

At the hotel he meets his friend's widow, Nora Temple (Lauren Bacall), and wheelchair bound father, James Temple (Lionel Barrymore) who manage the hotel, and they receive him warmly.

As a hurricane approaches the three of them soon find themselves virtual prisoners when the hotel is taken over by a mob of gangsters led by Johnny Rocco (Edward G. Robinson) who hold up at the hotel to wait for the storm to pass.

Mr. Temple makes it perfectly clear that they are not welcome but due to his infirmities his protest are only verbal.

Meanwhile Frank is reluctant to act, having had a belly full of violence during the war, but after the constant demeaning treatment of his alcoholic moll, Gaye Dawn (Claire Trevor), and Rocco’s catalogue of killings, he is forced to take action.

Key Largo is a great movie and Bogart and Edward G. Robinson put in great performances and there is a tension that does not let up for a single second and keeps you on the edge of your seat from begin to end.

THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 2

 

I found that by simply sending

A little note their way

It is eminently possible

To make some one's day

THERE’S NO FORMAL TRAINING

 

There’s no formal training

For street cleaners

As far as I know

I am pretty sure

They get straight to work

And pick it up as they go

PARTING THE RED SEA

 

Moses parted the waters

And left his people in awe

But he had help on the day

In the shape of a sea-saw

A PARROT SAT ON A CUSTODY CHAIR

 

A Parrot sat on a custody chair

And continually prattled on

In fact he sang like a canary

So he was a real Stool Pigeon

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 9

 

I’m something of a joker

But being a comic is tough

I have a microbiology joke,

But it’s not cultured enough

THE YOUNG MEN CALLED HER JIGSAW

 

The young men called her jigsaw

For she was not universally adored

And the boys would only do her

When they were really bored

I GOT A BARGAIN ON A LOAD OF STEAK # 3

I got a bargain on a load of steak

But the guy turned out to be a spiv

Five lorry loads of horse steak

Is what I’ve been saddled with

I THINK MEN ARE LIKE WEAPONS

 

I think men are like weapons

Because if you keep one

Around the house sooner or later

You’ll want to shoot one

ON THEIR FIRST MISSION TOGETHER

 

On their first mission together

Aboard the Millennium Falcon

Chewbacca made a Wookie mistake

When he killed Han

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – CASABLANCA (1942)

 

Casablanca, is a wartime drama directed by Michael Curtiz, in which Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart), is a cynical world-weary ex-patriate who runs a nightclub in French Morocco during the early stages of WWII.

Rick's cafe has become a kind of haven for refugees seeking to obtain forged documents that will help them escape to America and he is used to running the gauntlet between the local authorities and the criminal fraternity, 

But one day Isla Lund (Ingrid Bergman), a former lover of Rick's, and her husband, a well known anti-fascist leader, Victor Laszlo (Paul Henreid), show up to his cafe, and Rick faces a tough decision, as events complicate his life.

Casablanca is a film with many special moments, but chief among them is when the orchestra plays La Marsellaise and Paul Henreid leads them and the rest of the non-Germans in the cafe in a rousing rendition and 80 years later, I still get a thrill from the stirring act of defiance.

It’s a fabulous film, a timeless classic, which  won the Oscar for Best Picture and best director for Michael Curtiz in 1943.
Both of these awards were due in no small part to the superb supporting cast of Claude Rains (Captain Louis Renault), Conrad Veidt (Major Heinrich Strasser), Sydney Greenstreet (Signor Ferrari), Peter Lorre (Ugarte), S.Z. Sakall (Carl), Madeleine Lebeau (Yvonne) and Dooley Wilson as Sam

Casablanca will be seen and loved by filmgoers for generations to come.

THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 1

In life there are people

Who love you dearly

But just don't know how

To show it clearly 

BUYING POWER

 

There are some who say

Money can’t buy everything

Of course, there are others

Who just resort to shoplifting

WHENEVER I DECIDE TO EAT HEALTHILY

 

Whenever I decide to eat healthily,

In order to fit into my knickers,

I suddenly see a chocolate bar

Which then looks at me and snickers

I WAS TIED UP IN THE DAIRY

 

I was tied up in the dairy

By a milkmaid

Just the other day

Which was where

She inflicted on me

Fifty shades of Whey

GLASS NOT HALF FULL

 

I have to say I’m not

A “glass half full”

Type of person

I’m more of a

“Where did I put my glass”

Kind of person

I WAS TOLD I NEEDED A BRAIN TRANSPLANT

 

I was told I needed a brain transplant,

But I didn’t want anything of that kind

But the Doctors kept going on at me

So eventually they changed my mind

THE SAND WAS WET

The sand was wet

Very wet indeed

And that was because

The seaweed

  

HOGWARTS ISN’T A PERFECT SCHOOL # 2

 

Hogwarts isn’t a perfect school

But there are Heroes by the score

They eagerly arrive aged eleven

And get in through the Gryffindor

THE FORESTRY COMMISSION

 

There is new website

For the Forestry Commission

To out find information

About any tree, just log in

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE BISHOP'S WIFE (1947)

 

Directed by Henry Koster, the Christmas classic, The Bishop's Wife, tells the tale of an Episcopal Bishop, Henry Brougham played by David Niven, who has been working for months on the plans for a new cathedral, paid for by a selfish and stubborn widow Mrs. Hamilton, (Gladys Cooper).

As a result he begins to lose sight of his wife, Julia, (Loretta Young) and daughter Debbie (Karolyn Grimes) and of why he joined the church in the first place, so Dudley, an angel in human form, played by Cary Grant, is sent to help him, with the task of building a new cathedral and repairing his fractured marriage.

Dudley help’s everyone he meets, but not always in the way they would have chosen, nonetheless everyone liked Dudley, with the exception of Henry.
As Christmas approaches Henry begins to believe that Dudley is there to replace him, at work, and in his family’s affections.

He even manages to affect his maid Matilda (Elsa Lanchester) and secretary Mildred Cassaway (Sara Haden).

Even the cynical old atheist family friend Professor Wutheridge (Monty Woolley) falls under his spell, eventually, but Dudley must be careful not to become too fond of earthly distractions.

It’s a gem of a movie which can be appreciated any time of year and has many memorable scenes but my favourite is when Sylvester, the taxi driver (James Gleason) befriends Julia and Dudley and they go ice skating in the park, in fact the sequence is one of the best things you’ll see in many a film, enjoy.

THE MIRACLE CURE

 

Do you feel inadequate?

Or suffer from shyness?

Are you unable to be assertive?

Did you answered yes?

Then the solution is simple

Though a little distasteful

Get to a wine bar double fast

And get totally rat assed

Wine is the safest natural way

To bring you out of your shell

You will have new confidence

To tell total strangers to “go to hell”

Inadequacy will be a thing of the past

Shyness will be a forgotten thing

Assertiveness will be the new you

And you will be willing to do anything

This is not a quick fix solution

Regular doses should be taken

Try different drinks, experiment

This is a “for life” regimen

I must give a word of warning

Shyness and awkwardness

Will return to haunt you

So always carry a bottle in readiness

A WORD OF CAUTION

Alcohol isn’t right for everyone

Not even a little bit

Such as Women who are pregnant or breast feeding

They shouldn’t have it

However, women who don’t mind getting pregnant

Should have loads of it

THE PERILS OF ALCOHOL

Excessive alcohol can leave you screwed 

Some of the Side effects may include

Nausea, vomiting or dizziness,

Table dancing or erotic lustfulness,

Loss of motor control, loss of money,

Loss of clothing, loss of virginity,

Delusions of grandeur, dehydration,

Headache, dry mouth and incarceration,

Plus a desire to sing Karaoke

And other jiggery pokery

Such as all-night rounds of Strip Poker,

Truth Or Dare, and or Naked Twister 

THE WISDOM OF MY TEENS # 3

When I was a teenager

I have to say that secretly

I was really rather glad

My parents were strict with me

A COUPLE OF OLD SUCKERS

The position of the dirt bag

And the sad old loser

Is the only difference

Between a Harley and a Hoover

VERGING ON THE RIDICULAS

In answer to the eternal question

Why men want to marry a virgin

Well they can't stand criticism

Is the reason that’s emerging

ONE MAN AND HIS DOG AGAIN

The difference between

A husband and a dog when new

Is that After a year,

The dog is still excited to see you

SNOW SHOW

A weather man predicted snow

But he didn’t get it right

So the female anchor on the show

Asked to our delight

“So Bob, where's that 8 inches!

You promised me last night?”

A MOTHERS TALE # 2

 

I was out shopping with the kids one day

And we stopped for lunch at a burger place

We had just begun to eat our burgers

When a smell papered that I couldn’t trace

It was so bad that I couldn’t eat

I checked the baby and she was clean 

"Johnny, have you had an accident?" 

"No mum," Johnny replied. “Not me”

The smell got worse and I cursed

As I didn’t bring spare clothes with me

"Are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" 

"No mum," Johnny replied.” not me”

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,

Because the smell was really smarting

"Are you really SURE you didn't have an accident?" 

he leaped up like he was departing

Dropped his pants and spread his cheeks

And said "see mum, I was only farting!!"

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – NO HIGHWAY IN THE SKY (1951)

 

No Highway in the Sky, is a thriller written by Nevil Shute and directed by Henry Koster, in which aeronautical engineer Theodore Honey (James Stewart) is being sent to Labrador from London to examine the wreckage of a new Reindeer class passenger plane designed by his company, Rutland.

The absent minded Honey boards the Reindeer class plane, and only realizes once on board, that the plane is due to fail catastrophically in a few hours after the plane is airborne when it has reached a specific number of flying hours, namely the tail section will separate from the fuselage, caused by metal fatigue after 1440 flying hours.

He decides to warn a member of the cabin crew, Marjorie Corder (Glynis Johns), who in turn informs Captain Samuelson (Niall MacGinnis) and Co-Pilot (Kenneth More). 

When they land at Gander Airport the tail section is thoroughly examined and deemed safe so Honey sabotages the plane by collapsing the undercarriage so it has to be grounded.

On his return to England he must set about proving his theory or face prosecution and dismissal and soon finds himself defending his sanity in an English courtroom.

Fortunately, a sympathetic actress, Monica Teasdale (Marlene Dietrich) and stewardess Marjorie Corder come to his defence.

 

As he is a widower with a 12-year-old daughter, Elspeth (Janette Scott), Monica and Marjorie take a liking to Mr Honey and Elspeth, and the latter is clearly lonely and isolated.

Monica Teasdale speaks to Honey's superiors on his behalf, claiming she believes in him and Marjorie stays on with Honey and his daughter as a nurse. 

 

There are also a host of household names of the British Cinema who add to the tension and authenticity of the tale, Jack Hawkins, Elizabeth Allan, Ronald Squire, Dora Bryan, Felix Aylmer, Maurice Denham, Wilfrid Hyde-White and Bessie Love, to name a few.

James Stewart is simply wonderful as the boffin Mr. Honey, and Marlene Dietrich, who casts a lasting light on proceedings, are the stars in this film masterpiece and the supporting actors are on top of their game, in particular Janette Scott as the daughter, and the wonderful Glynis Johns in a typically faultless performance and the ever reliable Jack Hawkins.

A film definitely worth seeing, well scripted, well directed and well-acted, sadly, they don’t make movies like this anymore, and probably never will again.

SWEET MAN

Men are like Chocolate

Sweet and smooth on your lips

Only minutes before

Heading straight for your hips

THE WISDOM OF MY TEENS # 2

 

When I was a teenager

And I wanted to cheer myself up

I found the best way

Was trying to cheer someone else up

HIT FOR SIX

 

A man went to see Doctor Crum

“I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum.”

“How's that?”

“Don't you start”

ONE MAN AND HIS DOG ONCE AGAIN

The thing that makes men chase women

They have no intention of marrying

Is the same urge that makes dogs

Chase cars they have no intention of driving

CLASS BOOBS

If a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead

Are all together in the third grade

The blonde has the biggest breasts

Because she's eighteen years of age

SILENT SEX

Bunnies don’t make any noise

When they have sex at all

And the simple reason for that

Is they have cotton balls

SCHOOL DAYS

They can only use the car

On Mondays and Wednesdays

In Redneck schools for drivers Ed

And that’s because

On Tuesday Thursday and Friday,

The Sex Education class uses it instead

NEW ANTHEM AHEM

Cuba should have a new national anthem

I know what gets my vote

The new Cuban National Anthem

“Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

SHORT HOLIDAY

When Liverpool families

Go on their holidays

They don’t go very far

Just to a different bar

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE GUNS OF NAVARONE (1961)

The Guns of Navarone, is a classic War movie based on the Alistair MacLean novel of the same name and directed by J. Lee Thompson.

A British led team of six Allied and Greek soldiers is sent to the Greek island of Navarone, occupied by German forces, to destroy the massive German gun emplacement that commands a key sea channel, which threatens the safe evacuation of British troops from a neighbouring island.

As if the mission is not perilous enough, with such a large German presence on the island, they also have a traitor in their midst.

The menacing naval guns are embedded in a cliff with a big rock overhang, so the RAF are unable to destroy them from air, which is why a commando team is put together under the command of Maj. Roy Franklin (Anthony Quayle), a renowned mountain climber, Capt. Keith Mallory (Gregory Peck) to get them up the formidable cliffs, a couple of native Greeks, Col. Andrea Stavros (Anthony Quinn) and Spyros Pappadimos (James Darren), explosives man, Cpl. John Anthony Miller (David Niven), and a tough anti-fascist veteran of the Spanish Civil War, CPO 'Butcher' Brown (Stanley Baker) and they are joined on the island by resistance fighters Maria Pappadimos (Irene Papas) and Anna (Gia Scala).

The film is full of tension as the group keep getting into and out of one situation after another and it crackles with excitement up to the dramatic conclusion, a film not be missed.

SNOWMEN

Men are like the Snowstorms

That hit in winter

Hard and fast

You never know when they're coming

How many inches you'll get

Or how long it will last

SENIOR DAREDEVIL

 

I have reached the age

That when I’m out driving

And I go through a tunnel

I find it very exciting

THE WISDOM OF MY TEENS # 1

 

When I was a teenager

When I got everything in my domain

Just the way I liked it

Mum made me tidy it up again.

DROPPED

A man went to Doctor Grace’s

“Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.”

The Doctor thought for a moment

“Well, you can't say fairer than that then”

RAPPED

A man was sent to see a Psychiatrist

For an appointment he could not miss

When the Doctor saw the poor chap

He was dressed only in plastic shrink wrap

The Doctor said, with no ifs or buts

“Well, I can clearly see you're nuts”

FEEDING TIME AT THE ZOO

The difference between a Northern Zoo

And one in Mississippi

A southern zoo has a description of the animal

Along with “a recipe”

MICKEY ME OLD CHINA

 

The reason there is no Disneyland

In China

No one's tall enough

To go on the rollercoaster

MARRIAGE WORDS

Before marriage,

A man will lie awake all night

Thinking about something she said

After marriage,

He will fall asleep before completing

The first sentence she said

BEFORE AND AFTER

A man may believe before marriage

That he is incomplete or diminished

A word of caution before rushing in

After you’re married you’re finished

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD (1965)

 

The Greatest Story Ever Told, directed by George Stevens and David Lean, although for some reason the latter was uncredited.

It is an often under-rated movie with an all-star cast, and is a large scale epic movie that chronicles the life and ministry of Jesus Christ (Max von Sydow).

There are so many stars in this biblical epic that it is impossible to mention them all but among the notable performers were Dorothy McGuire (The Virgin Mary) Charlton Heston (John the Baptist) Martin Landau (Caiaphas) Sal Mineo (Uriah) Sidney Poitier (Simon of Cyrene) David McCallum (Judas Iscariot) Donald Pleasence (The Dark Hermit – Satan) Claude Rains (King Herod) and John Wayne (Centurion at Crucifixion).

I can highly recommend the modestly titled epic, which was long, beautifully photographed and was notable as it was the first english-language film for Max von Sydow.

A great, if not the greatest, movie, watch and enjoy.

POPCORN

 

Men are like Popcorn

If I’m not wrong

They satisfy you

But not for very long

VERY FISHY

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Have a guess

You call a fish with no eyes

A fsh

AAAH DENTIST

 

I went to the dentist

And was called by his receptionist

I stepped in not getting far

When he said “Say Aaah” 

“Why?” I instantly replied

He said “because my dog died”

BAR NONE

 

A neutron walks into a bar

“I'd like a beer” he asked

The barman serves up a beer

Promptly as he was tasked

“How much will that be?”

Asks the neutron

“For you?” “No charge.”

Replies the barman

LOST WALK

 

Two hydrogen atoms were walking along

One said, 'I think I've lost an electron.'

'Are you sure?' was the others interrogative

The first said, 'Oh Yes, I'm positive... '

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'

DR PHIL

 

When Phillip went to the doctor’s surgery,

The doctor said to him in a cheery way

“I haven't seen you in a long time Phil”

Phillip replied “I know I've been ill”

DAREDEVIL # 3

 

Some activities in life

Since time began

Build your self esteem

Like no others can

One such activity

Of which I’m a fan

Sharpening a pencil with a knife

As it makes you feel like a man

THE WISDOM OF MY YOUTH # 3

 

When I was a child 

I discovered that people in the country

When you waved to the ones

That you could see

Stopped what they were doing

And waved back at me

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE ROBE (1953)

 

The Robe, Directed by Henry Koster, is set in the Roman province of Judea during the 1st century, where Roman tribune Marcellus Gallio (Richard Burton) is ordered to crucify Jesus of Nazareth, but is tormented by his guilty conscience in the aftermath.

After the Crucifixion he gets drunk and wins Jesus' homespun robe and suffers nightmares and delusions after the event.

After a period of time in Rome he hopes to find a way to live with what he has done, and although still not believing in Jesus as a Messiah, he returns to Palestine to try and learn what he can of the man he killed. 

It’s a poignant script powerfully acted by Burton, while the lovely Jean Simmons is incredible as the young woman he loves, Diana. Michael Rennie is a quiet but forceful Peter, but Jay Robinson steals the picture as the depraved Emperor Caligula, and as he normally did Victor Mature played himself as Demetrius and there were a host of competent performances in the minor roles.

The cinematography is quite magnificent filmed in Cinemascope, while the film is graced by Alfred Newman beautifully and eerily haunting musical score.

A very watchable movie that stands the test of time but is not given the exposure it so richly deserves, perhaps because programmers are of a more secular bent.

MAKE UP MAN

 

Men are like Mascara

That’s my notion

Because they usually run

At the first sign of emotion

DAREDEVIL # 2

 

Some activities in life

Since time began

Build your self esteem

Like no others can

One such activity

Of which I’m a fan

Prodding a fire with a stick

As it makes you feel like a man

THE WISDOM OF MY YOUTH # 2

 

When I was a child 

I found out that Barney 

Our family dog,

Also didn’t like broccoli for tea

WISHING WELL

An old married couple came upon a wishing well

The wife thought shall I make a wish? Oh what the hell

She leaned over, made a wish and threw in a pound

The husband decided to make a wish with his pound

But he leaned over too far with both feet off the ground

Fell into the wishing well and then the old man drowned

The wife was shocked and stared straight ahead

Then she smiled “Wow it really does work!” she said

PICK ME UP TOMMY

 

When I was getting into my car,

A man came running up to me

And said “Can you Give me a lift?”

My reply left him a little miffed

“Sure, you look great, you look fit

The world's your oyster, go for it.”

BUILDING ENQUIRY

 

I rang up a local building company

With an enquiry like you do

'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'well I'm not stopping you.'

THE BOYS

 

The Police arrested two kids

One was drinking battery acid,

The other was eating fireworks.

No doubt a right pair of Berks

Now this is true though you may scoff

They charged one and let the other one off.

APPROVED PARKING

Somebody actually complimented me

On my driving today you see.

Now I don’t like to gloat

But they left a little note

On the windscreen of mine,

It simply said 'Parking Fine.'

DR GRACE

 

A man went to Doctor Grace’s

“I've hurt my arm in several places”

The man said clearly in pain

Doc Grace said “well don't go there again”

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR (1973)

 

Jesus Christ Superstar is based on the Andrew Lloyd Webber/Tim Rice Rock Opera of the same name, directed by Norman Jewison.

It tells the story of the final 6 days in the life of Jesus Christ (Ted Neeley) seen primarily through the troubled eyes of Judas Iscariot (Carl Anderson)

Being filmed entirely on location in Israel lends the film an authenticity and the anachronistic manner of the sets, with contemporary weapons on display, such as at the Temple Market work like a bridge spanning two thousand years.

The songs are memorable and well performed in particular by Ted Neeley (Jesus) Carl Anderson (Judas) Yvonne Elliman (Mary Magdalene) Barry Dennen (Pontius Pilate) and Josh Mostel (King Herod)

It’s a must watch movie whether spiritually inclined or not.

WHATEVER HAPPENED

 

Whatever happened to Louis the umpteenth of France?

Whatever happened to Jensen Interceptors?

Whatever happened to tree top squash?

Whatever happened to indestructible Tonka Toys?

Whatever happened to my hopes and dreams?

Whatever happened to my plans and schemes?

Whatever happened to my hearts desires?

Whatever happened to Aunt Alice?

Whatever happened to the likely lads?

Whatever happened to baby Jane?

Whatever happened to standards of behaviour?

Whatever happened to community spirit?

Whatever happened to this bulldog breed?

Whatever happened to common courtesy?

Whatever happened to good manners?

Whatever Whatever

DEPARTMENTAL MAN

 

I liken men to Department Stores

Hear me out before you scoff

Men are like Department Stores

As their clothes are always half off

INTERNAL QUERY

 

Tell me ladies please tell me this

It’s a question that’s left me stressed 

Why does the gynaecologist

Leave the room while you get undressed?

MAKING YOUR HAIR CURL

 

Why is it that toasters

Always have a setting

That burns the toast

And therefore blackening

To a horrible crisp

And is unfit for eating?

SOUP QUESTION

 

Here is a question

For a Politically Correct group 

Do illiterate people get the benefit

Of Alphabet Soup?

SO TRUE

 

Why is it tell me do

That Tea tastes better

From a china cup

Beer tastes better

From a glass

Chips taste better

From the paper

And Triangular sandwiches taste better

Than ones cut into squares

WEEKENDER BENDER

 

George left work early one Friday

And went out with the lads, on a bender

He finally got home to his unhappy wife

On Sunday night after a boozy weekender

After hours of bitching and moaning

His wife asked him a simple question

“Would you like not to see me for three days?

“Very much” he said without hesitation

He didn’t see her at all on Monday

Nor did he see her on Tuesday and Wednesday

After the swelling had begun to subside

He could see her out of one eye on Thursday

MOBILE COMMUNICATION

 

“I want to buy a mobile phone”

“No I don’t want a camera

Not even video

No I don’t want movie down loads

Screensaver’s, internet access

Or downloads of any kind

I don’t want WAP or WiFi

I don’t need 100 ringtones

10000 free minutes

Or unlimited texts at weekends

I don’t want to play games

I don’t need an MP3 player

I neither want nor need

Blue tooth

Sharks tooth

Hounds tooth

Or dog tooth

What I want is a device

To make and receive phone calls

And texts like wise

I just want to buy a BLOODY PHONE”

“Thank you that one will be perfect

Does it have a torch?”

THE WISDOM OF MY YOUTH # 1

 

When I was a child 

I thought my teacher was alright

Because she cried

When the class sang “Silent Night”

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – BEN-HUR (1959)

 

Directed by William Wyler, Ben-Hur is an epic tale of injustice, betrayal and revenge.

Judah Ben-Hur (Charlton Heston) is a rich Jewish Prince and merchant in Jerusalem at the beginning of the 1st century and is reunited with his boyhood friend Messala (Stephen Boyd) when he returns to Judea as commanding officer of the Roman Legions.

It is a happy reunion, at first, but their different political views separate them.

During the welcome parade a roof tile falls down from Judah's house and injures the new Governor and Messala sends Judah to the galleys and throws his mother (Martha Scott) and sister (Cathy O'Donnell) into prison, but Judah swears to come back and take revenge on Messala.

He is imprisoned on board the flag ship of Quintus Arrius (Jack Hawkins) and after years chained to an oar, a great battle is fought and Judah finds himself saving the life of his master, who in time adopts him as his own and takes him back to Rome.

 

Having won his freedom, he eventually returns to Judea to find his family, but finds his home in ruins and he servant Simonides (Sam Jaffe) blinded, and his daughter Esther (Haya Harareet) tells him his mother and sister are dead, but later finds they are living in a Leper colony.

After confronting Messala he decides the best way to exact revenge would be to humiliate him at the Hippodrome racing the horses of Balthasar (Finlay Currie) and Sheik Ilderim (Hugh Griffith) in the epic Chariot race.

 

The whole tale of Ben-Hur is set during the time of Jesus Christ and his life is threaded through the story so therefore it has a miraculous ending, which was enough of a reason for Chairman Mao to ban the film in China.

 

It won a record eleven Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Director (William Wyler), Best Actor in a Leading Role (Charlton Heston), Best Actor in a Supporting Role (Hugh Griffith), and Best Cinematography – Colour (Robert Surtees)

It’s a truly great movie which everyone should watch if for no other reason than the Chariot Race.

WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (24)

 

Who was that lady?

What happened in Santiago?

What’s new pussycat?

Where angels fear to tread

Why lover

SENNA MAN

 

Men are like Laxatives

For women it’s true

Because they irritate

The crap out of you

DAREDEVIL # 1

 

To do something daring

That is my wish

Like eating cup-a-soup

From a dish

SENSUAL FRUIT

 

It makes me uncomfortable

Like a bad melodrama

I never know where to look

When a girl is eating a banana.

COOL PICK UP

 

It's just impossible

As far as I can see

To look cool

While picking up a Frisbee

POOCH POUCH

 

I can’t abide one thing

It leaves me all agog

And I cannot respect a man

Who carries a dog

PANIC ATTACK

 

There's no panic

Like the panic

That momentarily affects you

At any time that you

Get your hand or head stuck

In something, then you feel a schmuck

ACCIDENTAL INJURY

 

The most painful household incident

Is NOT

Stepping bare foot on an upturned plug

That you forgot

The most painful household incident

Is instead

Stubbing your little toe in the dark

On your way back to bed

CAR LESS AND CARELESS

 

This observation

I have happened to regard

People who don't drive

Slam car doors too damn hard

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951)

 

The African Queen is based on C.S. Forester’s novel and directed by John Huston.

It’s set in German Eastern Africa at the beginning of WW1 and begins at a Christian Mission where Reverend Samuel Sayer (Robert Morley) has become a hostile foreigner, so German imperial troop’s burn down his mission.

He is beaten during the attack and later dies of fever, leaving his spinster sister Rose (Katharine Hepburn) all alone until Charlie Allnut (Humphrey Bogart) the gin-swilling riverboat captain of the dilapidated river steamboat 'African Queen' arrives and gives her a means of escape.

They bury Samuel and set off on the long difficult journey down river without any comfort and along the way the odd companions conceive a cockeyed plan to help in the British War effort (and avenge her brother), by sinking a huge German warship, the Louisa, on Lake Victoria, by constructing their own torpedo.

The unlikely couple, an ex gin-swilling riverboat captain and a former strait-laced missionary, aim high in their endeavour, as God is obviously on their side, and they have love for each other.

WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (23)

Who shot Patakango?

What a crazy world

When father was away on business

Where the lilies bloom

Why live alone

HAMMERED

 

A Hammer is Male

Because since its invention day

It hasn't changed one iota

Buts it's handy to have around anyway

ALL AT SEA

 

It was last summer when

Uncle John and Aunty May

Left Southampton

On a cruise ship holiday

 

I wouldn’t like it

It was like a holiday camp at sea

And just like Butlin's

There was entertainment daily

 

And after dinner

At the end of each day

Everyone met in the lounge

Where there were games to play

 

But one evening

Illness struck aunty May

So Uncle Joe

Went on his own to play

 

Each person had to give

A ten minute address that evening

On a subject

Of someone else’s choosing

 

When Joe’s turn came

Of all the subjects

That he could have had

He had to talk about sex

 

He was very nervous

But gave of his all

And at the end Applause

Reverberated round the hall

 

Feeling very pleased

Joe went back to his cabin

And found May still awake

Who wanted updating

 

“We had to give a little talk

It was a very nice evening  

Ten minutes on a subject

Of someone else’s choosing”

 

“What was your speech about?”

May wanted to hear

He thought for a moment

And said “It was about sailing dear”

 

The next day on deck

To May’s surprise

The other passengers

Greeted her with excited cries

 

“Oh your husbands speech

Was just wonderful

He was very enthusiastic

And very knowledgeable”

 

“Well I am quite surprised

To here that of Joe

As he’s only done it twice

As far as I know”

 

“The first time he was sick”

She said with a scoff

“And the second time

His hat flew off”.

TROUBLE AND STRIFE

 

I've often wanted to drown my troubles

Lose them in the foaming bubbles

But alas my chances are dimming

As I can't get my wife to go swimming