ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE SKY'S THE LIMIT (1943)

 

“The Sky's the Limit” is a Musical Romantic Comedy, screenplay by Frank Fenton and Lynn Root and Directed by Edward H. Griffith.

Flying Tiger Fred Atwell (Fred Astaire) and his squadron are on a coast to coast personal appearance tour, but he is tired and bored with all the attention and he knows he only has two weeks to have fun so he sneaks away from his famous squadron's train and goes in search of a few days leave away from the spotlight.

He travels incognito for a day or so in the guise of a carefree drifter until he goes to a Cabaret and meets photographer Joan Manion (Joan Leslie) and quickly falls for her.

Initially she gives him the brush off, but eventually she takes pity on him and tries to get him a job but he is resistant, but he was only interested in being with her but eventually his time runs out and he has to leave, without her knowing his true identity.

Her boss sends her to do a story on the Flying Tigers, and she is still aware until the last moment that Fred is one of them, and they have a big kiss good bye before he jumps on the plane.

 

Astaire and Leslie have a wonderful chemistry, in this very under-rated film even though many critics consider it to be one of Fred's worst movies, personally I don't understand why.

In addition, Robert Benchley puts in one of his best, patented befuddled speaker routines.

So take my advice don't listen to the critics, watch the movie for yourself, it has wit, romance, good music, and trademark dance routines; I promise you will not be disappointed.

THERE IS A SHORT CIRCUIT

 

There is a short circuit

In the wiring of my brain

Which torments me until

I have Equilibrium again

But I’m unravelling

Like a ball of twine

An unwilling victim

Of my malicious mind

Medication will help

To redress my rationality

But it dulls the knife edge

Of my personality

I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 3

 

I know I’m getting old

And there’s nothing I can do

When old classmates

Come into your view

And you’re so wrinkled

They don’t recognise you

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 7

 

God’s cruellest joke: when

Men figure how women work:

His manhood doesn’t

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 401

 

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,

And a merry old soul was he;

He called for his pipe

In the middle of the night

And he called for his basins three.

And did a colonic irrigation.

IF YOUR DEVICE IS BELOW PAR

If your device is below par

I have some advice for you

Simply don't byte off more

And more than you can view

NO MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE

There is a famous quote about God

Not giving you more than you can handle

Well there are times that I just wish

He didn't have quite so much faith in me

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS

The difference between

Cats and dogs is easily seen

Because Dogs have owners

Whereas Cats have helpers

TERRIBLE HOARDING

 

I’m a terrible hoarder and if there’s one thing

I’ve learned about junk, and I’ve learned quite a bit

Junk is something you've kept for many years

And throw away three weeks before you need it

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE LOVER

 

William and Claire were watching

“Who wants to be a Millionaire”

Which was while they were in bed

And during the ads he said to her

“Do you want sex?” and she said “No,”

So, he asked “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes” she replied without looking at him  

“Then I'd like to phone a friend Claire”

FEVERISH

 

I don’t think I have swine flu

As I haven’t been to Mexico

But I don’t feel well at all

I feel like crap if you must know

I thought of the NHS for advice

On the flu and perhaps its tackling

So I phoned the swine flu hotline

But all I got was crackling

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 23

 

One, two, three, four, five.

Once I caught a fish alive,

But what we couldn’t see

The fish was full of Mercury

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER (1940)

 

“The Shop Around the Corner” is a romantic comedy, based on a play by Nikolaus Laszlo and Directed by Ernst Lubitsch.

In Budapest, Hungary, Matuschek and Company’s gift store is owned by Mr. Hugo Matuschek (Frank Morgan) and bachelor Alfred Kralik (James Stewart) is his best and most experienced salesman.

But everything seems to go awry when Klara Novak (Margaret Sullavan) is hired by Mr Matuschek, but from the first moment Kralik and she meet they do not get along.

Over the weeks that follows the lonely and dedicated Kralik has an anonymous pen pal and through their correspondence he falls in love with her and intends to propose to her.

Simultaneously however his relationship with his employer deteriorates and he is fired without explanation by Mr Matuschek on the very same night that he is going to meet his secret love and propose.

He goes to the bar that night regardless where they have scheduled their meeting with his colleague Pirovitch (Felix Bressart) and he surprisingly finds that Klara is his correspondent, however he chooses not disclose his identity to her because he feels ashamed after being sacked.

But following a shocking incident, involving salesman Ferencz Vadas (Joseph Schildkraut), shop boy Pepi Katona (William Tracy) and Matuschek himself, he has a change of heart and hires Kralik back again but this time to manage the shop.

However as Klara is still fascinated with her correspondent she pays little or no attention to Alfred so it would take all his guile and cunning to work out a plan to reveal himself to Klara who exactly he is.

But anything is possible, it is Christmas after all and everyone loves a happy ending.

PICKUP # 21

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“If I had a star for every time

You brightened my day”

You can say to her

“I'd have a galaxy to display”

DIFFERENCES # 2

 

There is definitely a difference,

So please make no mistake,

Between crisps and a condom

One of them you salt and shake

I GOT AN ELEPHANT

 

I got an elephant, for my sons’ room

Though it’s really more like a bedsit

And he was incredibly grateful to me

But I said in response “Don't mention it”

BREAK A LEG

 

“Break a leg?” is an actors saying

Which is from the distant past

And has become a tradition

Because every play has a cast

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 2

 

Recently I had

A ballooning holiday

- I put on four stones

A PAIR OF MONKEYS

 

As two monkeys were getting into the bath

The first monkey had prepared for them

And the second one said: “Oo, oo, aah, ahh”

The first retorted “Put some cold in then”

I GOT MY FATHER’S LOOKS

 

I got all my looks from my father

Much to my detriment

I’m thinking in particular of

The look of disappointment

WHEN I WAS JUST A YOUNG CHILD

 

When I was just a young child

I was subject to multiple attacks

My father assailed me with cameras

And I still suffer from flashbacks

VOCAB

 

It’s important to have a good and robust

Vocabulary, varied and diverse

And I have learned to my cost

Had I known the difference between

The words antidote and anecdote,

Several lives wouldn’t have been lost

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE SPIRIT OF ST. LOUIS (1957)

 

“The Spirit of St. Louis” is a biographical drama, based on the book by Charles A. Lindbergh adapted by Charles Lederer and Directed by Billy Wilder.

The film is a Biography of Charles “Slim” Lindburgh’s life, covering the period from his days on the precarious mail runs in aviation's infancy with his friend Bud Gurney (Murray Hamilton) to his solo transatlantic crossing from Roosevelt Field on New York's Long Island to Le Bourget Airport in Paris.

But he was more than a pilot because Charles Augustus 'Slim' Lindbergh (James Stewart) co-financed the Spirit of St. Louis, a fabric-covered, single-seat, single-engine “Ryan NYP” high-wing monoplane which he jointly designed with Ryan's chief engineer Donald A. Hall (Arthur Space).

But the drama of the story comes once he is airborne and alone in the empty skies with only the open ocean below him.

I REALLY HATE MY JOB PASSIONATELY

 

I really hate my job

In fact I have to confess

I hate it with a passion

My boss says I don’t possess

BUTTERFLIES ONLY LIVE FOR ONE DAY

 

Butterflies only live for one day

My wife told me with surprise

I said it was a myth, but she said

“No, it’s definitely a butterfly”

THE SMOKING OF ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES

 

The smoking of electronic cigarettes

Should only be done if you are a robot

And even then it should only happen

When it has just had sex with another robot

MY BROTHERS SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME

 

My brothers spend all of their time

Floating out at sea on aquatic toys

They float from dawn until dusk

But I suppose boys will be buoys

PICKUP # 22

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“Oh please don’t stop”

You can begin to say

“Because I don’t get to see

Beauty in motion every day”

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE FAT FINGERS

 

Why do Gorillas have fat fingers?

Is one question that still lingers

But clearly the obvious conclusion

Is large nostrils are the reason

MEDIUM OR RARE

 

There is a great difference

Between medium and rare?

Six inches is only medium

But eight is much more rare                             

FISH BRIEF

 

There is a difference, you will find

Between a Solicitor and a catfish

For one is a scum-sucking scavenger

While the other is a type of fish

DIFFERENCES # 1

 

There is a difference between

A skinny blonde schmuck

And a counterfeit US dollar

Is that one is a phony buck

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – GREEN FOR DANGER (1946)

 

“Green for Danger” is a crime thriller, based on the book by Christianna Brand and Directed by Sidney Gilliat.

The film is set in a rural English hospital during World War II, where a postman Joseph Higgins (Moore Marriott) dies on the operating table after which one of the theatre staff Sister Carter (Wendy Thompson) states publicly that Higgins was murdered and she has proof of who the murderer is, but before she can unmask the killer she is then murdered herself.

So the facetious and enigmatic Scotland Yard Inspector Cockrill (Alastair Sim) arrives to investigate and very soon suspects one of the doctors and nurses who were in the operating theatre during the surgery to be the assassin, but which one?

In this straightforwardly plotted mystery Leo Genn, Henry Edwards, Trevor Howard, Ronald Adam, Judy Campbell, Wendy Thompson, Rosamund John, Sally Gray and Megs Jenkins make up the medical contingent in a little gem from the heyday of British Cinema.

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 10

 

New health warnings should be

On bottles and tins for us to see

Warnings clearly on display:

That the consumption of alcohol may

Especially when drinks are mixed

Result in you getting your ass kicked

PICKUP # 23

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“I know milk does a body good”

Is something to get her thinking

“But what I want to know

Is how much you’ve been drinking”

THE OLD SAYING GOES

 

The old saying goes

Don't put all your eggs in one basket

But surely it should be

Or was it don’t put both legs in one gusset

IT WAS FOGHORN LEGHORN’S BIRTHDAY

 

It was Foghorn Leghorn’s birthday

And he celebrated with his mates

When they threw him a great party

And served up his favourite coop-cakes

ADVERSITY MAKES FOR STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

 

Adversity makes for strange bedfellows

Is how they put it proverbially

But in my house estranged bedfellows

Makes for a good deal of adversity

BETTER TO REMAIN SILENT AND BE THOUGHT A FOOL

 

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool

Than to speak and remove any and all doubt

I wish I had heard that proverb before I spoke

Keeping quiet would have been a very good shout

ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVES

 

Anyone who actually believes

That cheats never prosper

Have never seen defenders

Preparing to defend a corner

WOMEN WILL DRESS UP TO GO SHOPPING

 

Women will dress up to go shopping

And for doing chores and errands too

Whereas Men will dress up for Weddings

And funerals, but only if they have to

I REALLY LIKE TWENTY FIVE

 

I really like twenty five

Letters of the alphabet

I don’t care for the other one 

I don’t know y, I forget

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – COTTAGE TO LET (1941)

 

“Cottage to Let” is a wartime comedy thriller, based on the play by Geoffrey Kerr, adapted by Anatole de Grunwald and J.O.C. Orton and Directed by Anthony Asquith.

The story is centred around a Scottish Estate during World War II with a cottage to let where the landowner is also a key British military inventor John Barrington (Leslie Banks), who is working to perfect a bomb sight with his assistant Alan Trently (Michael Wilding).

So it is no surprise that the cottage becomes a focus of attention when,  not only the new tenant Charles Dimble (Alastair Sim), but a London evacuee Ronald (George Cole) and a downed RAF fighter pilot Flt·Lieut. Perry (John Mills), all arrive at the same time, no thanks to the very scatterbrained Mrs. Barrington (Jeanne De Casalis).

The Germans are desperate to get their hands on the new bomb sight or its creator and someone either in the main house or the cottage is a Nazi agent and the only security is a Scotland Yard flatfoot posing as the Butler Evans (Wally Patch).

Other characters crucial to the tale are Mrs. Trimm (Muriel George), Dr. Truscott (Hay Petrie), Mrs. Stokes (Catherine Lacey) and the romantic interest comes from Helen Barrington (Carla Lehmann).

Cottage to Let is a very enjoyable film and should not be missed.

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 9

 

New health warnings should be

On bottles and tins for us to see

Warnings clearly on display

That the consumption of alcohol may

As a result of being tipsy

Result in a pregnancy

PICKUP # 24

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“I’m not a waiter but

Allow me to tell you”

You can begin to say

“What’s on the menu, is Me-n-u”

THERE ARE AN EVIL GROUP OF MEN

 

There are an evil group of men

Who abide in shadows darkly

And control all the world’s cheese

They are known as the hallouminati

MY WIFE TOLD ME OVER BREAKFAST

 

My wife told me over breakfast

That sex was better on holiday

It took me completely by surprise

As the postcard only arrived that day

THE HOKEY COKEY # 3

 

I’m learning the Hokey Cokey

After all that’s what it’s all about

I haven’t learned it all just yet 

But I’ve got all the ins and outs

I ALWAYS LIKE TO HOLD HANDS

 

I always like to hold hands

When I go to the pictures

Which for some reason

Seems to surprise strangers

MY AUNT WAS THIRTY WHEN SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY

 

My Aunt was thirty when she lost her virginity

She had left it so late as the act was so dreaded

But was relieved when it had finally happened,

And wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded

PUT DOWN # 63

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”

Let him buy you a drink at the bar

Then speak “Let me just say that if bullshit

Was music, you'd be a full orchestra”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A ROOSTER WHO WAKES

 

What do you call a rooster who wakes

You up every morning at five o’clock

His actual name is Foghorn Leghorn

But we like to call him the alarm cock

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – WENT THE DAY WELL? (1942)

 

“Went the Day Well?” is a World War II thriller, based on the story by Graham Greene and Directed by Alberto Cavalcanti.

The residents of an English village during WWII welcome a platoon of soldiers who are to be billeted with them, but the trusting residents eventually discover that the soldiers are really German paratroopers who proceed to hold the village captive in advance of a planned invasion.

The Germans block all the roads, so no one is allowed in or out, so the villagers must try to smuggle someone out to alert the outside world to the impending invasion.     

 

“Went the Day Well?” is one not to be missed and is very watchable with a large familiar cast that reads as a veritable who’s who of British Cinema in the 1930’s and 40’s including;

Leslie Banks, C.V. France, Valerie Taylor, Marie Lohr, Harry Fowler, Norman Pierce, Frank Lawton, Elizabeth Allan, Thora Hird, Muriel George, Patricia Hayes, Mervyn Johns, Hilda Bayley, Edward Rigby, Johnnie Schofield, Ellis Irving, Philippa Hiatt, Grace Arnold, Basil Sydney, David Farrar and John Slater.

PUT DOWN # 64

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”

Give him a measured look and rebuff

“Look I know we all sprang from apes,

But I’m afraid you didn't spring far enough”

I WAS INVITED TO MY FRIEND’S WEDDING

I was invited to my friend’s wedding

Well, he used to be my friend at any rate

The wedding invite said, me +1

So, I naturally turned up an hour late

MY DAD IS JUST LIKE A LAPTOP

 

My dad is just like a laptop,

If you interact with him and stop

And for ten minutes don’t make a peep

He will always go to sleep

I STILL FERVENTLY BELIEVE IN SAME SEX MARRIAGE

 

I still fervently believe in same sex marriage

Because there has been a disparity for gay people

Which in the 21^st century is totally unacceptable

They deserve to be as miserable as straight people

I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT OBE STANDS FOR

 

I don’t know exactly what OBE stands for

It’s one of those honours list pleasantries

But it would seem that if you’ve got one

You were a child molester in the Seventies

I DON’T THINK ANY OF US CAN JUDGE IMMATURITY

 

I don’t think any of us can judge immaturity,

It’s from parenthood some prejudices stem

So no one should be prevented from having kids,

But most shouldn’t be allowed to name them

MY UNCLE IS A GREAT CAT LOVER

 

My Uncle is a great cat lover

And he’s always been a smashing bloke

But after he came to visit, my cat

Is recovering from a massive stroke

PICKUP # 18

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“Do I know you?”

You can enquire of her

“Because you look

A lot like my next partner”

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – IN WHICH WE SERVE (1942)

“In Which We Serve” is a World War II drama, written by Noël Coward   and Directed by Noël Coward and David Lean.

It tells the story of a British Naval Destroyer, H.M.S. Torrin, from its construction on the Clyde to its sinking during action in the Mediterranean Sea in World War II, and is told in flashbacks by the survivors as they cling to a life raft.

Among them are the ship's commanding officer Captain E.V. Kinross (Noël Coward), Ordinary Seaman Shorty Blake (John Mills), Chief Petty Officer Walter Hardy (Bernard Miles), Stoker (Richard Attenborough) and Flags (Michael Wilding).

But although the men have served valiantly and heroically in their time aboard the Torrin we also get to see the stoic and determined women behind them, Alix Kinross (Celia Johnson), Freda Lewis (Kay Walsh), Kath Hardy (Joyce Carey) and Maureen (Penelope Dudley Ward).

 

“In Which We Serve” is a shameless story about naval heroism and was based on Lord Mountbatten's wartime experiences and is a compelling and highly rated piece of British cinema history.

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 7

New health warnings should be

On bottles and tins for us to see

Warnings clearly on display:

That the consumption of alcohol may

Create the illusion that you are tougher, faster

And better looking than most people and smarter

LUCY LLAMA WAS HAPPILY SURPRISED

 

Lucy Llama was happily surprised

With a weekend break by her stag

So she rewarded him with a kiss

And in a fluster said Alpaca bag

POPULAR CULTURE IS VERY INFLUENTIAL

 

Popular culture is very influential

And I think it’s brilliant, in my view

How the Chinese made a language

Entirely out of pretentious tattoos

POETRY IS REMARKABLE

 

Poetry is remarkable for

The amount of joy it brings

But please poets, we do get it,

Things are like other things

PICKUP # 17

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“Wow are you a computer whiz?”

You can enquire of her

“Because it seems you know how

To turn my software to hardware”

PUT DOWN # 65

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “hey a thought just crossed my mind”

Give him a measured look and say

“So, a thought crossed your mind?

Well it must have been a long and lonely journey”.

I GOT THE SACK

 

I got the sack, to my sorrow

But I still have to go in tomorrow

All though I don’t want to enter

I did work at the Job Center

THE HALF A CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

 

The half a chicken crossed the road

Because he had no one beside

So, the reason it crossed the road

Was to get to its other side

WOULD YOU THINK ME QUITE MAD

 

Would you think me quite mad

If I asked what bird is always sad

If not, what bird would you say

And would you say the blue jay

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – DARK VICTORY (1939)

“Dark Victory” is a romantic drama, based on the play by George Emerson Brewer Jr. and Bertram Bloch, and Directed by Edmund Goulding.

It’s the story of Judith Traherne (Bette Davis) a wealthy Long Island society girl given to a dizzy lifestyle.

She is a confident and self-assured young woman able to command the attention of any man in her sphere.

One of whom is an Irish horse trainer, Michael O'Leary (Humphrey Bogart) who witnessed her falling from her horse after badly misjudging a jump.

It becomes apparent in the aftermath that it was caused by a problem with her vision, so her best friend, Ann King (Geraldine Fitzgerald), her secretary Martha (Virginia Brissac), and handsome young friend Alex Hamm (Ronald Reagan), all urge her to consult Dr. Parsons (Henry Travers) who in turn directs her toward brain specialist Dr. Frederick Steele (George Brent).

Steele diagnoses a brain tumour which will end her life within a year if left to run its course so he recommends an operation and afterwards as she recovers from the surgery she falls in love with him and him with her and he proposes.

Unfortunately, she discovers that the prognosis is that the tumour will come back and eventually kill her, learning this, she becomes manic and depressive and goes off the rails and breaks the engagement.

After a brief wobble she accepts her fate and decides to enjoy the time she has left with her true love, Frederick, and she shows the underlying bravery and courage as she faces this physical suffering and demonstrates the woman of substance that she was as she stoically awaits the end.

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 6

 

New health warnings should be

On bottles and tins for us to see

Warnings clearly on display

That the consumption of alcohol may

Make you think you can sit chatting

With the opposite sex without spitting

I'M LOOKING FOR THE GIRL NEXT DOOR TYPE

 

I'm looking for the girl next door type

In my hunt for the perfect partner

So, I'm just going to keep moving house

Until the day I eventually find her

MY BROTHER IS SO PESSIMISTIC

 

My brother is so pessimistic,

No matter what his circumstances

If there was a pessimism Olympics

He wouldn't fancy his chances

WHEN THE UMBRELLA

 

When the umbrella

Was first invented

It was to be called a Brella

But the man hesitated

GREAT BRITAIN WERE INVITED

 

Great Britain were invited

To the Belgium town of Mons

For the sun tanning Olympics

And the whole team got Bronze

PORNOGRAPHY IS OFTEN FROWNED UPON

 

Pornography is often frowned upon,

And viewed as degenerating

I frown when I’m watching it

But that's because I'm concentrating

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS

 

I've been married for 10 years,

And mostly it’s been heaven

It’s not all plain sailing as I

Haven’t made a decision for seven

GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY

 

My friend told me he was going

To a fancy dress party

Dressed as an Italian island

I told him not to be Sicily

WHY DID THE CHEWING GUM CROSS THE HIGHWAY?

 

Why did the chewing gum cross the highway?

Isn’t a question you get asked every day

However, the answer is actually a simple one  

Because it was stuck to a chicken's bum

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – VIVACIOUS LADY (1938)

 

“Vivacious Lady” is a Romantic Comedy, Screenplay by P.J. Wolfson and Ernest Pagano from a Story by I.A.R. Wylie and Directed by George Stevens.

The story begins when young University Professor Peter Morgan (James Stewart) makes a quick trip to the city to escort his cousin Keith Morgan (James Ellison) back to their home town of Old Sharon.

He finds Keith at a nightclub which he regularly frequents as he is besotted with nightclub performer Francey Brent (Ginger Rogers), however when Peter meets Francey he falls head over heels in love with her and they marry after a whirlwind romance.

But when he goes back home, he has to pick his moment to tell his conservative, ultra-respectable parents Peter Morgan, Sr. (Charles Coburn) and Martha Morgan (Beulah Bondi).

It's a very enjoyable movie with a typically engaging performance by Rogers and a typically amiable one by Stewart and Willie Best as the Train Porter is delightful.

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 5

 

New health warnings should be

On bottles and tins for us to see

Warnings clearly on display

That the consumption of alcohol may

Cause the dedicated revellers

To believe that their ex-lovers

Want you to telephone them

Even though its 4 am

ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK CAN STRIKE

 

Anaphylactic shock can strike

Even if you are normally well

And I can give you the cause

Of Anaphylaxis in a nutshell

COMBINE HARVESTERS

 

Combine Harvesters

And you'll have a really big restaurant

But a note of caution

Service will still be at best, nonchalant

I'M RUBBISH WITH NAMES

 

I'm rubbish with names

I can’t help it a bit

It’s a proper condition

There's a name for it...

PEOPLE WHO SELL MEAT ARE DISGUSTING

 

People who sell meat are disgusting

Even if it’s halal or kosher

But then I’ve heard that people

Who sell fruit and veg, are grocer

I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT CADBURY

 

I heard on the grapevine that Cadbury

Are moving production to China

Which will involve some rebranding

For example, the Chinese Wispa

DAREDEVILISH # 3

 

Some activities in life

Since time began

Build your self-esteem

Like no others can

One such activity

Of which I’m a fan

Is sharpening pencils with a knife

As it makes me feel like a man

IRONIC ADVERTISING

 

I fell about laughing when I saw Serena

In an ironic Advertisement for Tempur

As given her recent display of stress

It should have been a “bad Tempur” mattress

WHEN THE HEADLESS CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD

 

When the headless chicken crossed the road

There was no wing under which to tuck it

Because sadly the chicken crossed the road

In a mega sized, southern fried, family bucket

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – WHITE HEAT (1949)

“White Heat” is a Crime Drama, Screenplay by Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts from a Story by Virginia Kellogg and Directed by Raoul Walsh.

 

The central character of the story is Cody Jarrett (James Cagney) who is a sadistic psychopathic criminal and leader of a ruthless gang of thieves.

Cody is a volatile, violent, and eccentric leader, fiercely devoted to his ‘Ma’ (Margaret Wycherly) and afflicted with terrible headaches.

While he is running the gang from in jail Cody's top henchman Big Ed Somers (Steve Cochran) wants to lead the gang and, in cahoots with Cody’s two-faced wife Verna (Virginia Mayo), plots with inmates for Cody to have an accident, but Cody is saved by an undercover cop, Hank Fallon aka Vic Pardo (Edmond O'Brien) who thereby befriends him and infiltrates the gang.

After making a daring break from prison he leads his old gang back on the outside and the stage is set for Cody's ultimate betrayal and downfall, during a big payroll heist at a chemical plant.

The final scene, with the line “Top of the World, Ma!” is one of the most famous in all of film history.

If you like James Cagney and you like 1940 film noir, then it doesn't get any better than this.

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 4

New health warnings should be

On bottles and tins for us to see

Warnings clearly on display

That the consumption of alcohol may

Lead to behaviour quite amusing

And cause you to think that you can sing

I USED TO WORK IN A PLANT

 

I used to work in a plant

Specializing in shoe-recycling

And I hated every minute

It was utterly sole-destroying

THERE ARE MANY PIT FALLS

 

There are many pit falls

In the relationships game

Take same-sex marriage

Where sex is always the same

I HAVE AN UNUSUAL PHOBIA

 

I have an unusual phobia

Which people find strange

I hate new minted coins

But then I dislike all change

DID YOU KNOW THE REASON WHY

 

Did you know the reason why

Unattached women go to Wimbledon

It’s because they were told

There was a men's singles event on

I GET TOGETHER WITH MY GIRLFRIEND

 

I get together with my girlfriend

For some one to one time

Which is why I usually meet

Up with her at 12:59

I WAS INVITED TO A PRETENDERS GIG

 

I was invited to a Pretenders gig

And wasn’t sure how to react

I really like live music performance

But didn’t want to see a tribute act

BEING AN ENGLAND SUPPORTER

 

Being an England supporter

At a World Cup or Euro’s melee

Is likened to over-optimistic parents

Of the fat kid on sports day

DAREDEVILISH # 2

 

Some activities in life

Since time began

Build your self-esteem

Like no others can

One such activity

Of which I’m a fan

Is prodding a fire with a stick

As it makes me feel like a man

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)

“It’s A Wonderful Life” is a fantasy family drama co-written and Directed by Frank Capra based on the story by Philip Van Doren Stern.

The film is a slightly dark, almost bittersweet tale of a savings and loan manager George Bailey (James Stewart), a bit an earnest do-gooder who struggles against a greedy banker Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore) and his own self-doubting nature in a small town.

After suffering a financial catastrophe, he see’s suicide as a possible solution to his predicament only to be rescued by a whimsical, endearing, trainee-angel named Clarence (Henry Travers).

However its only when George says he wished he had never been born that Clarence is able to show him what life would be like for his mother (Beulah Bondi) and Uncle Billy (Thomas Mitchell), his friends Ernie, Bert and Violet, (Frank Faylen, Ward Bond and Gloria Grahame), former employer Mr. Gower (H.B. Warner) and his loving wife Mary (Donna Reed), in a world in which he had never existed.

So, George Bailey, after years of feeling trapped in a small town finally recognizes his life to be wonderful and truly rich.

A typical performance by the ever-dependable James Stewart and ably supported by the beautiful Donna Reed and the incomparable Lionel Barrymore as the grasping villain of the piece.

It’s definitely not the kind of film that would be made today as it is definitely on the schmaltzy side and nobody seems to write happy endings anymore but no Christmas would be complete without watching Frank Capra’s Christmas classic.
Even thought it was not a success at the box office at the time, it is now one of the most popular and heart-warming films ever made...

I WAS DRINKING IN A BAR WHEN

 

I was drinking in a bar when

A Smurf walked into view

And the smiling bartender

Said 'hey man why so blue?'

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 3

 

New health warnings should be

On bottles and tins for us to see

Warnings clearly on display

That the consumption of alcohol may

Cause you to tell your friends again

And again that you love them

MY WIFE WANTED TO GO AND SEE THE CURE

 

My wife wanted to go and see the Cure

And was surprised at my apprehension

Wondering why I didn’t want to see the Cure

I said I’d rather see the Prevention

WHY DID THE CHICKEN NOT CROSS THE ROAD

 

Why did the chicken not cross the road

And choose instead to commit suicide?

It seems to me to be the wrong approach

If he just wanted to get to the other side

A MAN STOPPED ME IN THE STREET

 

A man stopped me in the street

Which alarmed me from the start

Demanding I apply for a donor card

He was a man after my own heart

THE FIRST TIME I TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND HOME

 

The first time I took my girlfriend home

So that my mum could meet her

She wore a big green shirt and huge gloves

And my mum said she was a keeper

MY GRANDPARENTS HAVE LOADS OF SAYINGS

 

My grandparents have loads of sayings

“There’s no place like home” being one

But I’ve decided that they’re hypocrites

As they won’t let us put them in one

WE ALL HAVE A SKELETON

 

Let’s be honest we all have

A skeleton in the cupboard, or two

But some people let theirs

Walk the catwalk for the public to view

DAREDEVILISH # 1

 

To do something daring

That is my wish

Like eating cup-a-soup

From a dish

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER (1957)

 

“An Affair to Remember” is a classic romantic drama Directed and written by Leo McCarey.

A French playboy Nickie Ferrante (Cary Grant) full of continental charm and an American, former nightclub singer, Terry McKay (Deborah Kerr) meet aboard a ship.

She sees him as just another playboy and he sees her as stand-offish, but inevitably they fall in love.

After visiting his Grandmother (Cathleen Nesbitt) on the island of Madeira he planned to travel to New York to marry a rich heiress, which has been well publicized, as have his many antics and affairs, and Terry was returning home to her long-time boyfriend Kenneth Bradley (Richard Denning).

However on the crossing their plans change, but he has a poor track record relationship wise and no history of working for a living so in order to give him the chance to earn an honest living and prove himself, which would also give them time to deal with their current relationships.

So, they agree to distance themselves but arrange to reunite six months later on top of the Empire State building.

In the meantime, he returns to painting and is reasonably successful at it and she becomes a music teacher.

On the agreed date, Nickie is waiting patiently for Terry, who is racing to join him however fate intervenes resulting in misunderstanding and heartbreak and only fate can correct its intervention to save their relationship.

WARNING TO DRINKERS # 2

 

New health warnings should be

On bottles and tins for us to see

Warnings clearly on display

That the consumption of alcohol may

When you don’t know how many you’ve had

Lead to you dance like your Dad

I HAVE BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED

I have been happily married

For five years to my wife Terri

Unfortunately, we’ve just celebrated

Our golden anniversary

I WORK FOR A COMPANY

 

I work for a company

Supposedly exploring

But if truth be told

It has me snoring

I drill all day for water

And it’s well boring

I BORROWED TO PAY AN EXORCIST

 

I borrowed to pay an exorcist

Is my shameful confession

But if I don't repay the loan

I’m worried about repossession

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND TREATED ME

 

My last girlfriend treated me

Like a piece of meat

That’s because she was a Vegan

And refused to touch me

AN ARGUMENT ABOUT THE TARDIS

 

An argument about the Tardis

Kicked off and wouldn’t quit

It started small, but got bigger

Once they properly got into it