ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – TRUE GRIT (1969)

 

“True Grit” is a Western drama, screenplay written by Marguerite Roberts from the novel by Charles Portis and Directed by Henry Hathaway.

 

The story of a stubborn 14-year-old farm girl Mattie Ross (Kim Darby) who sets out to capture hired hand Tom Chaney (Jeff Corey), following the murder of her father.

After settling her father’s affairs, she enlists the help of tough, drunken, hard-nosed U.S. Marshal Reuben J. “Rooster” Cogburn (John Wayne) to track down her father's murderer in Indian Territory.

Despite his shortcomings Mattie identifies him as a man with “true grit,” and insists on accompanying Cogburn and they are joined by an arrogant self-important Texas Ranger, LaBoeuf (Glen Campbell) who also has a claim on Cheyney for murdering a Senator.

It becomes apparent that their fugitive has taken up with a gang of outlaws led by Lucky Ned Pepper (Robert Duvall) and the unlikely trio find danger and surprises on the journey, and each has their “grit” truly tested.

Jeremy Slate, Dennis Hopper, Alfred Ryder, John Fiedler and the wonderful Strother Martin among others make up a very able supporting cast.

TRAFFIC COP – HOLD IT

 

When the police pulled me over

The reason wasn’t exactly clear

It could have been the speeding

That caused the police to appear

Or running several red lights

Or my complete inability to steer

Any of the above would have done it

Of that I am perfectly clear

But what I said to the officer

Was what really swung it I fear

“I can easily reach my license

If you would hold my beer”

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF SATISFACTION?

 

Are you wearing a look of satisfaction?

Well, that blush is a tell-tale sight

You have clearly been indulging

In a spot of afternoon delight

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 302

 

Little girl, little girl where have you been?

Have you been visiting London Zoo

Or gathering roses to give to the Queen.

Oh you went to get another Tattoo

SPEEDING TICKET

 

Bimbette was stopped for speeding

When asked to produce her license

She launched into a tirade of abuse

“This doesn’t make any bloody sense”

When the officer calmed her down

He asked Bimbette to explain

“Well, you only took it away yesterday

And now you want to see it again”

PROS AND CONS FOR BECOMING A CAT OWNER

 

I was told I should buy a cat

“Why on earth would I do that?”

“They’re good company” they say

“And they keep the mice away”

Well eventually they convinced me

And I admit its good company

As to the expelling from my house

Of every type and size of mouse

They are a great disappointment

And their failure is evident

It is they who bring in a mouse

Into the comfort of my house

As a toy with which they play

But they let the toy get away

Now the mouse is here to stay

WHEREVER MY FATHER IS RIGHT NOW # 2

 

Wherever my father is right now

I’m sure he’s looking down

He’s definitely not dead yet

He’s just a condescending git

ON LIFE’S JOURNEY WE ARE ALL

 

On life’s journey we are all

Looking for the one

And I can safely say that I

Married the one

On a scale of one to ten

She was a one

IT’S NOT THE SIZE OF A MAN

 

It’s not the size of a man

That marks him high or low

It’s what is in their hearts

That makes them grow

Just look around you

And you will also know

That the smaller being

Can cast a giant shadow

DURING A PASSWORD AUDIT

 During a password audit by the IT crowd,

They discovered something quite absurd

A young woman by the name of Bimbette

Who was using the following password

PughPughBarneyMcGrewCuthbertDibbleGrubb

And was told such a password was wrong

But Bimbette explained that she was told

Her password must be six characters long

WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (1)

 

Who’s in love?

What’s love got to do with it?

When I fall in love

Where is the love?

Why do fools fall in love?

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION (1982)

 

“Witness for the Prosecution” is a Courtroom

Drama, written for television by John Gay, screenplay written by Billy Wilder and

Harry Kurnitz, Agatha Christies play adapted for television by Lawrence B. Marcus, and Directed by Alan Gibson.

 

In this extremely enjoyable courtroom drama, cantankerous, yet brilliant barrister Sir Wilfred Robarts (Sir Ralph Richardson) returns to his office in London, having recovered from a heart attack, under the watchful eye of Nurse Plimsoll (Deborah Kerr).

He is subsequently invited to defend Leonard Vole (Beau Bridges), who is the prime suspect in the murder of an elderly rich woman.

The unemployed, former World War II veteran, married to his beloved German wife Christine Vole (Dame Diana Rigg), is accused of seducing, and murdering the wealthy middle-aged single woman, Emily French (Patricia Leslie), in order to inherit eighty thousand pounds, and the stubborn QC must defend him.

 

Donald Pleasence, Wendy Hiller, David Langton, Richard Vernon, Peter Sallis and Michael Gough provide a very able supporting cast to the main stars.

MY FATHER WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN

 

My Father was trying to explain

About anaphylactic shock again

And wasn’t doing it very well

I could have explained it in a nutshell

I AM NOT IN ANY WAY INTERESTED IN

 

I am not in any way interested in

An alternative energy supplier

Because if I said I was unhappy

With food I would be a liar

SHE WAS A VERY BIG LASS

 

She was a very big lass

And Apple shaped I suppose

But she was dressed

In quite unsuitable clothes

 

Beige Lycra pedal pushers

And a long white clingy top

They would have looked better

Left hanging in the shop

 

It certainly was a sight

I wouldn’t easily forget

As I watched her in the sun

Looking like a melting cornet

THE LIGHTHOUSE

 

The Lighthouse, with

Lantern burning bright

Stands sentinel

A beacon in the night

Steadfastly gazing out

Its piercing light

Cutting through the dark

Warning those at sea

In peril or plight

And providing all

With its piercing light

In the darkest hour

A comforting sight

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 3

 

When my girlfriend suggested

We play Doctors and Nurses

I was up for it even when

She told me about the role reverses

 

But when I dressed up in a uniform

With a starched white apron

She buggered off to play

Eighteen holes with a surgeon

ARE YOU WEARING A ONESIE? # 1

 

Are you wearing a onesie?

I didn’t know you were the type

But you have surprised me

And yes, I like the tiger stripe

Well yes, I don’t mind if I do

It’s very soft to the touch

Yes, I’d like to feel inside

Thank you so very much

MY CAT IS A FUSSY EATER # 1

 

My cat is a fussy eater

That’s not uncommon for a Siamese

And for breakfast she will only eat

A bowl of Mice Crispies

 

AS JIMINY CRICKET FAMOUSLY SAID

 

As Jiminy Cricket famously said

“Let conscience be your guide”

It’s a simple enough philosophy

Listen to the voice of reason

Keep compassion in your heart

And integrity at your core

And you won’t go far wrong

EURO TRASH # 2

 

It’s really great not being a foreigner

As I don’t have to ask myself whether

The man with a feather in his hat is a forester

A customs man or a rural police officer

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – HOSTILE WITNESS (1969)

 

“Hostile Witness” is a Courtroom Drama, screenplay written by Jack Roffey based on his own play and Directed by Ray Milland .

 

In this extremely enjoyable courtroom drama, the daughter of successful Barrister Simon Crawford (Ray Milland), is killed in what appears to be a hit and run accident.

However, the police are unable to find the culprit, and Crawford swears that he will find the driver of the car and take revenge.

Later when his neighbour (a high court judge) is killed in a staged burglary, the blame falls on Crawford, after a letter is found implicating the neighbour in the death of Crawford's daughter.

When it comes to trial he is defended by his junior Sheila Larkin (Sylvia Syms) but after many twists and turns he ends up defending himself.

As you may expect from such a film, there is an unexpected twist at the end.

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 2

 

When my girlfriend suggested

We play hospitals

I thought phwor

 

But she gave me an enema

And now I don’t want

To play anymore

WHEN ALBERT EINSTEIN

 

When Albert Einstein

Tugged on his penis

It was widely regarded

As a stroke of genius

ARE YOU WEARING A TOGA?

 

Are you wearing a toga?

I don’t want to be an ogre

But you’ll be a hit alright

At the house party tonight

As everyone will be knowing.

Because you will be showing

That beneath the flowing robes

You have unfettered globes

I WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING

I was caught shoplifting

Form the Apple store

It was my first offence

I’d not done it before

 

They didn’t prosecute

I got lucky clearly

Although I think it was

Only Scrumping really 

THE BANK OF ENGLAND ANNOUNCED

 

The Bank of England Announced

In an article they wrote

Jane Austen Will appear

On the new ten-pound note

 

I don’t like to put a damper

On the decision but you see

This decision means that

She will be the “Tenner” Lady

MY WIFE IS A JAILER

 

My wife is a jailer

And in a fit of passion

I made advances

To get my marital ration

 

In the ensuing melee

I became entangled

In her bunch of keys

As they dangled

 

I begged for assistance

But she just scoffed

And in the end

She just fobbed me off

I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY

 

I lost my thesaurus today

It was after the exam

I can’t find the words to describe

How upset I am

THIS MORNING’S BREAKFAST NEWS

 

This morning’s Breakfast News

Live from Downing Street

On the rolling news that never stops

I have learned in the last few minutes

That the Prime Minister had toast

While Nick Clegg had coca pops

MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN

 

My Dad had to have his cat put down

It was all terribly sad

He didn’t find that the lethal injection

Was all that bad

But what the vet said afterwards

Really upset my Dad

“That’s the first of the injections

Out of the way Mr Plaid

Only another eight to go”

Which was when Pop went mad

I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT FARMING

 

I was always told that Farming

Was a terribly tough way of life

Well, I haven’t found that to be the case

And nor has Audrey my wife

We were told by almost everyone

We were making a big mistake

But we chose to be Wind Farmers

And honestly, it’s a piece of cake

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – CAREFREE (1938)

 

“Carefree” is a Musical Romantic Comedy, Written by Allan Scott, Ernest Pagano. Dudley Nichols, Hagar Wilde, Marian Ainslee, and Guy Endore and Directed by Mark Sandrich.

Stephen Arden (Ralph Bellamy) has a problem in the relationship with his fiancée, Amanda (Ginger Rogers), so he turns to his friend Dr. Tony Flagg (Fred Astaire), a psychiatrist, for help to understand why she keeps breaking off the engagement.

After some minor misunderstandings, she falls in love with Tony, so he tries to use hypnosis to strengthen her feelings for Steven, however things get complicated when he realises that he’s in love with her.

It’s an interesting and amusing vehicle in which Ginger and Fred acquit themselves ably but are supported by a first-rate group of players headed by old friends like eager Jack Carson and irascible Clarence Kolb plus charming comedian Luella Gear.

I WANTED TO DONATE SPERM

 

I wanted to donate sperm

But there was a difficulty

I couldn’t perform

As the surroundings were iffy

Then I found you could do it by post

And I came in a jiffy

RACING THROUGH ON THE GREEN

 

Racing through on the green

Breaking hard on the red

Foot dallying on the amber

Before belting across instead

I WENT TO VEG PLOT TO CHECK

 

I went to my veg plot to check

On my tender little darlings

And heartbreakingly I found

Decimation of my seedlings

 

The perpetrators are self-evident

By the tell-tale slimy slug ooze

And I could tell they had help

Due to the clearly visible Snail trail

RED NOSE

 

He had a large red nose

Just like a strawberry

His pock marked snozz

Was not a thing of beauty

But it was not a drinker’s nose

In fact on the contrary

It was actually the result

Of learning to eat with cutlery

ARE YOU WEARING SHADES?

 

Are you wearing shades?

Yes, they do look cool

Though not really suitable

And I would say as a rule

Wearing them in a cinema

Make’s you look a fool

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 3

 

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable

The people suffered poverty and starvation

All the inhabitants had to live in their cars

It was the first time I’d come across an in-car-nation

PICKUP # 8

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

But if your tastes are unusual

Don’t be shy about it

Don’t beat about the bush

Just come right out with it 

Say “I'd suck a fart out of your ass

And hold it like a bong hit”

I PICKED UP A GIRL AND WENT BACK TO HERS

 

I picked up a girl and went back to hers

But I was struck by impotency

She was very understanding and said

“That used to happen to me”

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 1

 

When my girlfriend suggested

We play hospitals

I thought phwor

 

But all she did was

Lay me on a trolley

And leave me in a corridor

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – AIRPORT (1970)

 

“Airport” is an action thriller disaster movie, the first of a series, screenplay by George Seaton from the Novel by Arthur Hailey and Directed by George Seaton and Henry Hathaway.

The movie revolves around the airport manager of Lincoln International Airport, near Chicago, Mel Bakersfeld (Burt Lancaster), who has to contend with a paralyzing snowstorm, environmental concerns over noise pollution, a blocked runway, schedule issues, an habitual elderly Trans Global Airlines stowaway, Ada Quonsett (Helen Hayes), manpower problems, frozen runways, equipment malfunctions and a suicide bomber, D.O. Guerrero (Van Heflin) plans to blow up a Boeing 707 airliner in flight.

A first class movie which was the for runner of the disaster movie genre, helped in no small measure by a great cast including: Dean Martin, Jean Seberg, Jacqueline Bisset, George Kennedy, Maureen Stapleton, Barry Nelson, Dana Wynter and Lloyd Nolan.

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 4

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

I have never been in Flexible

But I really don’t know

I think it’s important to stand firm

So, I would have to say no

THE ANONYMOUS ENEMY

 

There is no black in the union jack

There is no white in the Rastafari

There is no brown in the British crown

There is no white in the consciousness

No ethnic presence in the establishment

No white voice in the consensus

There’s no black power neath big Ben’s tower

There’s no white vote in modern Britain

No black role models say the liberals

All the white ones are being discredited

There is no black amongst the black

But shades of brown from dark to light

There is no white amongst the white

But shades of flesh from light to dark

There is no black in the union jack

There is no white in the British isle

Black dwells too much on slavery and such

White looks longingly to halcyon days

Race hatred grows watched from the shadows

White against black, black against white

No black and white flinch from the fight

Hate spreads like fire fueled by the scourge

The scourge is black encouraging attack

The scourge is white urging on the fight

Inhabiting the middleness with wordy vagueness

Condemning both sides and supports them also

They feed the flames the people with no names

The anonymous enemy the liberal elite

They divide and conquer while making us suffer

They keep the battle on to hold onto power

The liberal elite are the real enemy to defeat

Ruling the world from the shadows

Ruling the middleness with political correctness

Accentuating our differences for hate

They are autonomous in their control of us

While creating the illusion of democracy

Freedom of speech is the lie they teach

If we speak against their view, we are crushed

They control the wealth wield power by stealth

The anonymous enemy the liberal elite

THE RED HOUSE

 

I met her in the Red House

When she gave me the eye

I gave her an appraising look

And thought I’d give her a try

I knew my luck was in when

She was unbuttoning my fly

ARE YOU WEARING VELVET?

 

Are you wearing velvet?

That’s the sexiest dress yet

Do you mind if I touch?

Oh I like that very much

I don’t think we should go out

I think without a doubt

We should definitely stay in

And then we can both sin

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 5

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

What if I end up in Capable

I find that that’s often where I go

 

ANNA WAS A GOOD TIME GIRL

 

Anna was a good time girl

In fact she really had a ball

And we called her Anna Glypta

As she liked it up against the wall

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 2

 

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable

Who have a novel approach to automation

You are not permitted to own a motor car

Unless it is Pink, making them a Pink Car-nation

BLOOD MAY WELL BE THICKER THAN WATER

 

Blood may well be thicker than water

But to a son or daughter

When it comes to Parenthood

This should be understood

There’s more to it you see

What makes a parent is proximity

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (1972)

 

“The Poseidon Adventure” is an action thriller disaster movie, screenplay by Stirling Silliphant and Wendell Mayes from the Novel by Paul Gallico and Directed by Ronald Neame.

The story takes place aboard the SS Poseidon, an aged luxury liner on her final voyage from New York City to Athens before being sent to the scrapyard.

However, the new owners pressurise Captain Harrison (Leslie Nielsen) to push the Poseidon to her limits to save on the dismantling fees at their destination and as a result, on New Year's Eve, she is hit by a tidal wave which completely capsized her, so that all the internal rooms are suddenly upside down with the Passengers and crew trapped inside.

From the ensuing chaos a rebellious Priest Reverend Scott (Gene Hackman) takes a mixed band of survivors on a journey through the bowels of the ship in an attempt to survive.

The film won two Academy Awards, a Golden Globe, a BAFTA, and a Motion Picture Sound Editors Award, aided in no small way by a fine Ensemble cast including, Ernest Borgnine, Jack Albertson, Shelley Winters, Red Buttons, Carol Lynley, Roddy McDowall, Stella Stevens, Pamela Sue Martin, Arthur O'Connell and Eric Shea.

YOU SHOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS

 

You should never raise

Your hands to your children

And for that, there

Is a very good reason

Not that I’m saying

They shouldn’t be corrected

But you must never

Leave your nuts unprotected

WHATS IN A NAME (41)

What do you think did Alice Leed?

You should have watched Doris Speed?

Does anyone know has Sean Bean?

Did anyone notice is Diane Keen? 

YOU’LL NEVER GUESS I BET

You’ll never guess I bet

What it is that you get

If you cross the Atlantic

With the RMS Titanic?

Do you give in? Can I say?

Ok then “About halfway”

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 2

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

I would like to go to Conclusions

But you have to jump there, so

As I can’t do much physical activity

I would have to reluctantly say no

ARE YOU WEARING PYJAMAS?

 

Are you wearing pyjamas?

And they’re Flannelette no less

I’m sure they are very comfy

But I was hoping for a nightdress

Or preferably as it is our

Wedding night, considerably less

I WENT TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT

I went to the movies last night

And watched a really good thriller

About a man poisoning the Cornflakes

Who turned out to be a cereal killer

MUM KNITTED ME A JUMPER

 

Mum knitted me a jumper

I hate wearing I as I look silly

But I’m a kid so I have to

Especially when mum feels chilly

PUT DOWN # 49

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

Allow me to give you an example

By way of a demonstration

 

When I was in a club one night

It must have been nearly half past two

A woman said to me “If you lost weight,

Shaved and cut your hair you would do

I replied “yes but if I did all that,

I’d be talking to your mates instead of you”

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

 

There’s a lot of discussion at the moment

About “same sex marriage”

Well having been married for thirty years

I’d like a “some sex marriage”

HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 1

 

He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman

Of that there was very little doubt

His colleagues called him the station cat

Because on rainy nights he never went out

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – EARTHQUAKE (1974)

 

“Earthquake” is an action thriller disaster movie, screenplay by George Fox and Mario Puzo and Directed by Mark Robson.

The story focuses on a varied group of people in Los Angeles, construction Engineer Stuart Graff (Charlton Heston) who is estranged from his jealously possessive wife, Remy (Ava Gardner), and is having an affair with the widow of a co-worker, Denise Marshall (Geneviève Bujold) and Remy pressurises her father, Sam Royce (Lorne Greene), Stuart's boss, to stop Stuart from seeing Denise.

Also Rogue policeman, Lew Slade (George Kennedy), is suspended from the L.A.P.D. for punching another officer and contemplates quitting the force.

Jody (Marjoe Gortner) is a perverted grocery store manager, who lusts after Rosa Amici (Victoria Principal), and Rosa’s sister Sal (Gabriel Dell), is the assistant to Miles Quade (Richard Roundtree), an aspiring daredevil motor cyclist.

All the lives of all these people are devastated when a major earthquake rips through Los Angeles and reduces the city to ruins.

THE CARPENTERS

 

My wife said to me

Let’s play carpenter’s

So, we got hammered

Then I nailed her

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 3

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

I will probably be in Doubt

It’s not for frequent flyers though

Its destination I’m unsure of

In fact I’m not sure I want to go

WHATS IN A NAME (43)

 

What do you think can Ben Gunn?

Did anyone notice is David Dunn?

Did anyone notice was Sean Kerley?

Does anyone know was George Burley?

ARE YOU WEARING A KNITTED SWIMSUIT?

 

Are you wearing a knitted swimsuit?

Well I know there’s a recession on

But I’m afraid knitted swimwear

Isn’t at all the right thing to don

 

Because one of two things will happen

The weight of wool will pull them down

Or when you are swimming the weight

Will pull you under and you’ll drown

RED HAT

 

She was a stunner

In her new red hat

And it turned a few heads

Have no doubt of that

 

She was not dressed

As someone one ignores

But everyone was thinking

“Red hat no drawers”

HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 2

 

He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman

Of that most people would concur

His colleagues called him the Gurkha

Because he never took a prisoner

EVERYONE WANTS TO BE THE STAR

 

Everyone wants to be the star

Of their own life story

But life isn’t like a movie

You don’t get the chance

To re-take the scenes you mess up

And it isn’t like a play

That can be painstakingly rehearsed

You have to go on cold

You may dry up or miss your cue

Or fluff your lines

You may need prompting

You will probably have to improvise

But it’s up to you how the drama unfolds

And whether you are hero or villain

OUR SCARECROW WON FIRST PRIZE

 

Our scarecrow won first prize

When the winner was revealed

The judges at the county show

Thought it outstanding in its field

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1

 

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable

Who have a novel approach to automation

You are not permitted to own a motor car

Unless it is Red, making them a Red Car-nation

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE TOWERING INFERNO (1974)

 

“The Towering Inferno” is an action thriller disaster movie, screenplay by Stirling Silliphant, from the Novel by Richard Martin Stern, Thomas N. Scortia and Frank M. Robinson, and Directed by John Guillermin.

 

The focal point of the movie is a colossal skyscraper, designed by Architect Doug Roberts (Paul Newman), which is nearing completion when he returns from a long vacation, but ahead of the “grand opening” party he discovers that his wiring specifications have not been followed and as a result the building has been experiencing an increasing number of electrical glitches.

He raises his concerns with his father in law, Jim Duncan (William Holden) and Project Manager Simmons (Richard Chamberlain) but they are brushed aside. 

Suffice is to say that during the party a fire breaks out and quickly spreads, which threatens to destroy the tower and everyone in it.

So Michael O'Halleran (Steve McQueen), who is the chief on duty as a series of daring rescues punctuate the terror of a building too tall to have a fire successfully fought from the ground.

It’s a tense and thrilling tale with an amazing cast assembled by producer Irwin Allen, who succeed in getting McQueen and Newman to co-star, he also signed Faye Dunaway to play Newman's love interest and cast Fred Astaire, against type as a con-man, but even more astonishing than that, he lured reclusive and legendary film star Jennifer Jones out of retirement for the sympathetic role of Lisolette Mueller.

He also secured other notables which included Robert Wagner, Susan Blakely, Susan Flannery, Sheila Allen, Robert Vaughn, O.J. Simpson and Dabney Coleman.

WHATS IN A NAME (40)

 

What do you think was Henry Cruel?

You should have seen Pete Duel?

Does anyone think does Jason Fear?

Did anyone notice Edward Leer?

ARE YOU WEARING SILK DRAWERS?

Are you wearing silk drawers?

I only ask you as I can see

That you appear to be the victim

Of an elastic deficiency

And if you combine that

With the force of gravity  

They are around your ankles

You may think it a catastrophe

But I would beg to differ

For me it’s just serendipity 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 300

 

Baa Baa black sheep

Have you any wool?

Please say yes sir

To make my wagon full

 

No, I don’t have any wool

You bloody Wally

I’m not a sheep

I’m your Border Collie

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

However, I may end up in Sane

How I get there, I don’t know

As they don't have an airport

You can be driven there though

EATING WITH THE INLAWS

An evening spent

With my wife’s family

Is good food and wine

And gracious hostility

A THOUSAND SOULS

 

A thousand souls

Plus, half a thousand more

Never again to feel

Land beneath their feet

Lost to the icy deep

For man’s conceit

And lay there still

In companionable rest

Beneath the icy sea

With the unsinkable lady

Of the White Star Line

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I’M SEVENTY THREE

 

It’s my birthday today and I’m seventy-three

And I’m fit as a fiddle, nothing wrong with me

Although my memory's not like it used to be

And also my memory's not like it used to be

MY WIFE SAID I WAS NOT MYSELF TODAY

 

My wife said I was not myself today

Which I thought was a funny thing to say

But then she went on to say to me

She noticed the improvement immediately

GROWING OLD TOGETHER

 

Growing old together

Is not an easy trip

In fact, as time goes by

It’s just a pain in the hip

I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

 

I got caught taking a piss

In the local swimming pool

The lifeguard shouted so loud,

I nearly fell in. the bloody fool

MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE

 

My doctor said I’m borderline obese

But it didn’t bother me at all

Because at the end of the day

That makes me borderline Normal

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE (1962)

 

“The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” is a western drama, based on the story by Dorothy M. Johnson and Directed by John Ford.

While Senator Ransom Stoddard (James Stewart) returns home to Shinbone for the funeral of Tom Doniphon (John Wayne), he tells the story behind his sojourn to a local newspaper editor, about how he had arrives in the town many years before, as a young lawyer, and how he first met local outlaw Liberty Valance (Lee Marvin) when the stage he was on was robbed.

After the holdup Stoddard was left with nothing more than a few law books to his name so he had to get a job in the kitchen at the Ericson's restaurant and there he met his future wife, Hallie (Vera Miles) but he has both a friend and a love rival in Tom Doniphon.

All this is against the backdrop of the territory vying for Statehood.

Eventually Stoddard is selected by the townspeople as a representative, with his main rival being Valance, who does not take defeat well and terrorizes the town, but when he destroys the local newspaper office and attacks the editor, Stoddard calls him out, though the conclusion is not quite as straightforward as legend would have it.

Other notable cast members in this classic western are Edmond O'Brien, Andy Devine, Ken Murray, John Carradine and Jeanette Nolan.

WHATS IN A NAME (39)

 

Does anyone know does James Bridle?

I often wonder is Eric Idle?

Would anyone know did Michael Ley?

You never know Brian May?

ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSKIRT?

 

Are you wearing an underskirt?

I can see it beneath your hem

Oh, its imported silk is it?

Oh yes of course I like them

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 297

 

Kind hearts are gardens, 

Kind thoughts are roots,

Kind words are blossoms,

Kind deeds are fruits.

But none of this rubbish

Gets the bloody grass cut

I’M A CRUMPET MAN

 

I’m a crumpet man

I don’t mind confessin’

But equally I like

Buns, baps and muffin

I WAS OUT ON THE LASH ON SATURDAY NIGHT

 

I was out on the lash on Saturday night

But I think it ended in disgrace

As I woke up in a skip next morning

With a kebab stuck to my face

I HATE AUTOMATED SWITCHBOARDS

 

I hate automated switchboards

They are so annoyingly slow

I wanted to book tickets

For an Elvis act a know

Each minute on the phone

Was costing me dough

Then at last it said press 1

For the money, 2 for the show