I had a vasectomy because
I didn’t want kids
to be fair
But when I got
back home
All the kids were
still there
Sunday, 16 February 2025
I HAD A VASECTOMY BECAUSE
HOT OR COLD?
I’ve always wondered,
Which is faster, Hot or cold?
In the end, I
chose hot,
Because you can
catch cold
IT WAS TAKE YOUR KID TO WORK DAY
I took my eight-year-old to the office
On “take your kid
to work day”
But when we walked
into the office,
They started to
cry straightaway
“You said you
worked with clowns”
She said, “So
where are they?”
THE DRUMMER HAD TWIN DAUGHTERS
The drummer had twin daughters
And they were
identical too
So being a rock
musician
He named them Anna
1, Anna 2
GIRLS IF HE CAN’T APPRECIATE
Girls, if he can’t appreciate
Your funny
humorous show
And all of your
fruit jokes
Then you need to
let mango
DON’T EAT ANYTHING, FATTY
My doctor said to me
Don’t eat anything
fatty
What he meant by
that was
Don’t eat
anything, fatty
VERTICALLY CHALLENGED FOLKS
You’ve really got to
Hand it to the
short folks
That’s because
they can’t
Reach it
themselves
CULLINARY PUBLICATIONS
I once ate a dictionary
And it was really
bad
It gave me
thesaurus throat
I’ve ever had
MY FRIENDS LAUGHED AT ME
When I said I had
a girlfriend,
Which was a rotten
thing to do
And they said she
was imaginary
Well, the last
laugh is on them
Because they’re
imaginary too
IT’S REALLY BECOME QUITE HABITUAL
I’ve got this awful disease
It’s really become
quite habitual
I can’t stop
telling airport jokes
The doctor says
its terminal
SPAGETTI MOTHER
I told my mum
That
I made a car
Out
of Spaghetti
It
wasn’t until
I
drove pasta
That
she believed me
THE COUPLE WERE KISSING ON THE COUCH
The couple were kissing on the couch
“Shall we take it
upstairs?” he said,
“That’s a great
idea babe” she replied
“Grab the other
end of it then” he pled
MY WIFE IS INCREDIBLY SMART, BECAUSE
My wife is incredibly smart, because
I rang her on the
phone of a buddy
And she answered
“Hello darling”
Amazingly she
already knew it was me
A PESSIMIST CAN ONLY SEE
A pessimist can only see
A long dark tunnel
An optimist sees
light
At the end of the
tunnel
A realist sees a
freight train
Coming down the
tracks
The train driver
sees
Three idiots
standing on the tracks
I TRAPPED A COUPLE OF VEGAN BURGLARS
I trapped a couple of Vegan burglars
In my basement to
my total disbelief
At least I assumed
they were Vegan
Because they keep
shouting “Lettuce leaf”
AS I GET OLDER I SIT DOWN AND REMEMBER
As I get older I sit down and remember
All the people
I’ve lost along the way
I think maybe a
career as a tour guide
Isn’t right for me
at the end of the day
I ALWAYS KNOCK ON THE FRIDGE
I always knock on the fridge
Before I open it,
no messing
Just in case when
I look inside
I find there’s a
salad dressing
THE POSTPARTUM SEX
My wife gave birth today
And after thanking
the doc
I sheepishly asked
him
“When can have
sex?”
He winked and said
“I’m off duty at
ten”
I JUST SPENT SIXTEEN LONG HOURS
I just spent sixteen long hours,
Which is a bit of
a crime,
Linking my watches
into a belt
It was a waist of
time
THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY
The most effective way,
Which might sound
quirky,
To give up
veganism
Is quite simply,
Cold Turkey
LAST NIGHT I DREAMED ABOUT DROWNING
Last night I dreamed about drowning
In an ocean that
was orange and fizzy
It took me a while
after I woke up
To work out it was
just a Fanta sea
I JUST WALKED INTO THE BEDROOM
I just walked into the bedroom,
Which was littered with crap
And tripped over my wife’s bra
I was floored by her booby trap
I’VE OPENED A NEW GYM
I’ve opened a new gym
Where all the
trainers go
Religiously from
door to door
To spread the
fitness word
About joining the
gym with
Jehovah’s Fitness
over the door
MY WIFE TOLD ME OVER BREAKFAST
My wife told me over breakfast
That sex was better on holiday
It took me completely by surprise
As the postcard only arrived that day
I LOST MY WATCH AT A PARTY ONCE
I lost my watch at a party once
And someone
stepped on it
While being
aggressive to his wife
And calling her a
bitch
I hit him as no
one behaves like that
To a woman, not on
my watch
TO THE MAN IN THE WHEELCHAIR
To the man in the wheelchair
Yes I know that
you’re the one
Who stole my camo
jacket, well
You can hide but
you can’t run
MY WIFE MISTAKENLY THOUGHT I SAID
My wife mistakenly thought I said
“I’m
giving up drinking for a month”
What
I meant was “I’m giving up,
And I’m drinking for a month”
I HAVE A TRICK WHEN I’M STRUGGLING
I have a trick when I’m struggling
To
get my lovely wife’s attention
I
just sit down and look comfortable
And
that always gets her attention
YESTERDAY I WAS WASHING THE CAR
Yesterday I was washing
The
car with my son
And
he asked why
I
couldn’t just use a sponge
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
I was asked at my interview
To explain a
4-year gap
In my resume
without a job
So, I replied “I
went to Yale”
“Excellent you’re
hired”
I said “Great I
need this yob”
OUR THERAPIST BERATED MY WIFE
Our therapist berated my wife
Which made me feel
very smug
“Embrace your
mistakes” she said
So, my wife gave
me a big hug
UNSAFE TO DRIVE
It’s probably not safe for me
To be driving
right now for sure
Having said that,
bad brakes
Have never stopped
me before
PREGNANT PAUSE
My wife said “I’m Pregnant”
I
smiled and replied “Hi pregnant,
I’m
a Dad” then she was hesitant
Then
said “No, you’re not Grant”
MY DAD QUIT HIS PRESTIGE JOB
My dad quit his job for a new challenge
And
any jobs he chose would be shoo ins
But
he chose to pursue his dream job
In archaeology
now his career is in ruins
WHEN I WORKED IN SECURITY
The boss told me that
As a guard in
security
It’s my job to
watch the office
Which was fine
with me
But I still don’t
know,
Even after season
three,
What watching a
comedy
Has to do with
security
1 IN 4 PEOPLE ARE HOMOSEXUAL TODAY
They say 1 in 4 people are homosexual today
So
out of me and my three best male friends
I
find myself wondering which one of us is gay
I
hope it’s Paul as he’s the really cute friend
I READ HORROR BOOKS
I read horror books for entertainment
But I have to read
them in Braille
I always know what
is about to happen
I can feel it,
every time without fail
UN-POPPED CORN
I
think I’m going to eat a whole bag
Of
un-popped corn just before I die,
That
should liven up the cremation
And make mourners Laugh instead of cry
MY SON SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES
My son spends too much time
Playing computer
games
On his various
devices
So, I said when I
was his age
I had to do my
homework
By the light of
the fireplaces
He then pointed
out when Lincoln
Was my age he was
already
President of the
United States
I WAS ASKED AT MY INTERVIEW
If
I could perform under pressure
I
replied “No but I can do a mean
Bohemian
Rhapsody for sure”
I WENT ONLINE TODAY AND ORDERED A CHICKEN
I went online today and ordered a Chicken
And
my wife ordered an Egg on Amazon
I
guess we’ll get the answer to the conundrum
HOW GOOD IS YOUR POWERPOINT
“How good is your PowerPoint?”
He
enquired “I Excel at it” I replied
“Did
you just use a Microsoft pun?”
He
asked wryly “Word” I replied
DON’T GO IN THERE
“Don’t go in there” my wife screamed
“Don’t
go in the church you moron”
She
drunkenly screamed at the TV
It
was clear she had the wedding video on
MAKING THEIR OWN ENTERTAINMENT
“Back in the Day” with no internet
I
wonder what my parents did
I’ve
even asked my 18 siblings,
And
they had less idea than I did
Saturday, 15 February 2025
BEGINS WITH AN O
What starts with an “O”
And
ends with “nions”
And
can make you cry
The
answer is opinions
ALONG CAME A SPIDER
My wife found a spider
But
told me not to kill it
“You
can take it out instead”
So, we
went out for a drink
He was
an interesting guy
“I’m a
web designer” he said
VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS
Vincent Van Gogh’s
Painting
of the Sunflowers
Always
brings me to tears
I
would have gone mad too
If
I had painted it and would
Have
cut off both ears
INTO A TATTOOIST’S YOU SLINK
Into a tattooist’s you slink
As
you’re on the brink
However
take a moment to think
Before
you Ink
WELL I AM A GIVER
I have to be honest
I
am a giver
I
have donated
A
piece of my liver
Not
a lot though
It
was just a sliver
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