MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP

 

Mind the gap, mind the gap

Is not an announcement about safety

But is pointing out the difference

Between the timetable and reality

I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR

 

I got chatting on the Euro Star

And I really rather enjoyed it

First, I made a Belgian waffle

And then a Frenchman talk shit

UNDER A SLATE GREY SKY

 

Under a slate grey sky

Or against a back drop of blue

Crossing bridges

Over river and stream

Thru woods and fields

Onward and upward

Over hill and vale

Riding the rails

The Locomotive speeds

Across the countryside

The marvel of the age

BREATHE THROUGH IT

 

A young woman had a panic attack

A side effect of British Railways

My wife and I went to her aid

But I struggled to avert my gaze

From her heaving chesticles

“Big breaths” my wife instructed her

I was still staring at her puppies, and said

“No, but beautifully pert would-be fare”

THE YEAR OUT

 

I took a “year out” before going to Uni

And I got a job before you start to sneer

I got a job on the London Underground

And I call it my “Mind the Gap Year”

LET THE TRAIN TAKE THE STRAIN

 

Railway staff are unhelpful

Generally

Stations are cold and dirty

Typically

At my local station

In Farncombe

When it’s unattended

They lock the waiting room

When it is open

And it’s a winter’s day

The fire switches off

After a ten second time delay

Trains are late

Or worse don’t come at all

Leaves on the track

The wrong kind of snowfall

All these things

Drive commuters mad

Even the plagues of Egypt

Weren’t so bad

LE TRAIN LATRINE

 

The new trains are really smart

A bit wobbly and I had to stand

As there is less room to sit

Because the toilets are so huge

For wheelchair access supposedly

Just in case a disabled person

Ever manages to get on to a train

By negotiating all the other obstacles

The train companies put in their way

But the toilets are so vast

I’m sure they’re big enough to fit in

The Dagenham girl pipers

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE LADY VANISHES (1938)

“The Lady Vanishes” is a thriller based on the story "The Wheel Spins" by Ethel Lina White and directed by Alfred Hitchcock.

While travelling in continental Europe, a rich young playgirl, Iris Matilda Henderson (Margaret Lockwood), her friends Blanche and Julie (Googie Withers and Sally Stewart) are stranded in the mountainous European country of Mandrika, along with the rest of the passengers on a scheduled train delayed for 24 by a day due to an avalanche, and as a result they are forced to spend the night in an overcrowded Inn.

The next day Iris says goodbye to her girlfriends before heading back to England to get married but she receives a blow to the head from a falling flower pot and a middle aged English governess named Miss Froy (Dame May Whitty) takes her under her wing, and they spend some time in the dining car before taking their seats in their compartment where Iris promptly falls asleep.

When she wakes up Miss Froy is nowhere to be seen and she knew she was on the train but none of the people who saw them together will corroborate her story and she is universally dismissed and a possible concussion is cited as the cause.

Only one person is prepared to humour her, an Englishman named Gilbert Redman (Michael Redgrave), a musicologist, but will his help be enough to find Miss Froy?

 

As you would expect with a Hitchcock Classic there is a depth of quality in the cast to drive the story, Cecil Parker and Linden Travers as the Todhunter’s, Basil Radford and Naunton Wayne as Charters and Caldicott, Catherine Lacy as the Nun and Mary Clare as Baroness Athona all contribute to a great film.

PEOPLE WATCHING

 

What I like to do while I am waiting

Is indulge in some people watching

Young Turks all suited and booted

Business types are pin stripe suited

Old-aged women dressed in tweed

And middle-aged men going to seed

Or loud teenager’s baseball capped

And naughty kids with hands slapped

A smart young man with shaven face

A pretty young girl in a top of lace

Balding heads show above headrests

Bra less students without their vests

Some read tabloids or broad sheets

While some doze quietly in their seats

Wow a girl bends over in tight jeans

Eyes look above books and magazines

It’s the little things that entertain

It all helps when traveling by train

It’s just a shame we haven’t moved yet

But they’ll have a good excuse I bet

The wrong snow, leaves on the rails

Or frozen points or some other tales

Valid reasons maybe in their own way

It’s just that today is a lovely June day

THERE’S NOWT SO QUEER AS FOLK

 

Like laboratory mice in a maze, we are conditioned and set on their path.

It all begins at 6.45 AM when the car pulls off the drive and they travel in silence arriving outside the station at 7.13.

He kisses her cheek and exits the Cherokee.

He spends approximately two minutes purchasing a newspaper and negotiating the barrier and then occupies the same spot on the platform that he has occupied for the past twelve years.

Should he find an interloper standing in his place then they are subjected to the commuter’s version of Paddington’s “hard stare” and if that does not suffice then a loud snort is employed.

Apart from the snort there is no other conversation.

7.17 AM the London train arrives and he boards and stows his brief case then occupies the same seat as every other day opposite the same faces behind the same newspapers.

As soon as he is seated, he opens his own paper, and the train pulls out.

There is no conversation during the journey not even so much as a polite nod in fact no acknowledgment even of the existence of fellow passengers.

The train arrives at Waterloo at 7.43 AM and its contents are disgorged onto the platform and then like lemmings are drawn towards the concourse.

 On the concourse bodies appear to, at least on face value, to have no purpose whatsoever just a chaotic whirlpool of flotsam.

However, on closer examination you find that the chaos is caused not by the Lemmings lack of purpose bat rather in spite of it.

Each Lemming, or perhaps better described now as a Rat, has a purpose and a course but the chaos ensues when all of them refuse to give way.

Like Salmon fighting the rapids and leaping obstacles the melee is eventually escaped and the strange commuter creatures start to disappear down holes and tunnels only to resurface after varying periods of time.

From deep underground, hot, confused and blinking in the daylight and join their fellows on the crowded pavements, still not giving way, until one by one they take refuge in their office buildings.

Eight of nine hours later the mindless commuter creatures reappear to repeat the process but in reverse flooding onto the pavement and flow along the pavement and then down their tunnels like excess rainwater down a storm drain. Emerging at Waterloo the flood water ebbs and flows like a surge tide meeting the mouth of a river.

But with great resilience the strange creatures manage to reach it predetermined destination.

Once on the train he again occupies his usual seat this time opposite a different group of familiar strangers behind their evening papers.

Back in suburbia he leaves the station and gets in the Cherokee and kisses his wife on the cheek.

She says, “How was your day?”

He replies, “OK the usual”

She then recounts the details of her day, which he doesn’t hear.

Once he arrives at his luxurious detached Surrey home, he kisses the children and tucks then in bed.

Then he takes a shower and changes into something comfortable before having dinner with his wife.

He then watches an hour’s TV before going off to bed so that the next day he can do it all again.

The reason he suffers the joys of commuting is to earn the big bucks to pay the huge mortgage on the luxurious big house that he has no time to enjoy.

Not very bright creatures are they.

THE WHITE HORIZONTAL PLUME

 

The white horizontal plume

Streams in its wake

Like a long grey ribbon

As the locomotive powers on

A truly romantic image

Of the great age of steam

Bits and pieces

UNDER A SLATE GREY SKY

Under a slate grey sky
Or against a back drop of blue
Crossing bridges
Over river and stream
Thru woods and fields
Onward and upward
Over hill and vale
Riding the rails
The Locomotive speeds
Across the countryside
The marvel of the age

IT’S THE END OF MY AUTUMN DAYS

It’s the end of my autumn days
When heavens siren sings
And amidst a russet dawn
I hear deaths silent wings

A HOUSE IS STILL JUST A HOUSE

A house is still just a house
Made of brick and plaster
It takes something else
If it’s a home that you’re after

And making the transition
Now that is the real trick
And whether you do it or not
Depends on the partner you pick

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING

The office Christmas party
Was in full swing
Cheap plonk and nibbles
That kind of thing
From someone’s iPod
Loud Music played
And to that music
Eager bodies swayed

ALAS MEL SMITH

Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)

Mel Smith
Comedian and writer,
Film director,
Producer and actor
Jack of all trades
Master of all

ENTER THE GARDEN HUMBLE BIRD

Enter the garden
Humble bird
Sing the sweetest
I have heard
Sing loves song
Upon the breeze
To your mate
Up in the trees
Bid her come
Courting on the wing
And with her
Brightly sing

HELLO MY LITTLE BUZZY BEE

Hello my little Buzzy bee
Amidst the flowers flying free
Gathering the Pollen busily
Make sweet honey just for me

AT THE END OF HIS LONG LIFE

At the end of his long life
A Godly man passes into heaven
Where he sits with God
And revues their Journey again

While he looked back
Sitting at Gods right hand
He saw it represented by
Two sets of footprints in the sand

But he noticed that at times
There was just one set
When he was at his lowest
And he was very upset

So he spoke to God and asked
That in the scene he was shown
Why at the hardest times
He walked the path alone

No my son you are mistaken
At those times God said
I thought it would be more fun
If we hopped instead