MICHELIN MAN

 

Tyre is masculine related

Because it goes bald pated

And often is over-inflated

GO FIGURE

 

Hourglass is female without a doubt

Because over time the truth will out

To the bottom the weight shifts about

A HEAVENLY SUMMONS

 

God had decided to take the devil to court

To settle their differences or so he thought

Satan laughed and said “God your so dumb”

"Where do you think Lawyers come from?"

DEAD BRIEF

Where is the best place to find a solicitor?

Is it on the internet, the classified ads or

In yellow pages, written on a toilet door

No the best place is in a cemetery to be sure

UNDERGROUND MAN

 

The Underground is a masculine phrase

And has always been since olden days

After many years it’s using for example

The same old lines for picking up people

IN HER WEB

 

Webpage is a very female word

I know that may sound absurd

Here’s the reason I’ve hit upon

They’re always getting hit on

JUMPING BRIEF

 

A trampoline is quite unlike a Lawyer

And that’s certainly always been

Because you would take your shoes off

Before jumping on a trampoline

ERIC CHRISTMAS - 19th March, 1916 - 22nd July, 2000

 

Eric Cuthbert Christmas was born March 19^th 1916 in London.

He trained at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art and in 1936 gained valuable experience in the English repertory theatre.

The zenith of his early theatrical days was a principal role in the London production of Noel Coward's "Bitter Sweet" before the Second World War.

During the war he continued his acting career while he was a member of the Royal Air Force production unit and performed in the RAF's Gang Show.

After he was de-mobbed from the air force he moved to Canada in 1948 where he first met the television comedians Wayne & Shuster which began a long association.

He toured Canada extensively with His own show "Christmas is Coming" during the 1950s.

In 1957 Eric first appeared at Canada's Stratford Festival and performed in 12 seasons and 21 Shakespearean productions until 1970.

His final appearance at Stratford was in 1987, when he played Dogberry in “Much Ado About Nothing”.

In addition to his Shakespearian experience’s he also had long and rewarding associations with the Canadian Players, San Diego's Globe Theatre, and the drama department at the University of California at San Diego.

Eric Christmas was a superb supporting actor and always delighted in whatever film he is in.

He appeared in a large body of TV shows of which

"Days of Our Lives" (1965) (1995-1996)

"The Sandy Duncan Show" (1972)

Columbo, A Friend in Deed (1974)

"War and Remembrance" (1989) are but a few and his Film credits include Monte Walsh (1970) The Andromeda Strain (1971)

The Last Tycoon (1976) Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)

The Changeling (1980) Porky's (1981) Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)

The Philadelphia Experiment (1984) All of Me (1984)

Porky's Revenge (1985) Bugsy (1991) Almost Dead (1994)

and Mouse Hunt (1997).

In everything he did he always gave of his best and like many supporting actors before him he was the glue that held a production together.

He and his wife Marcy had three children Robin, Holly, Kailee and six grandchildren.

Eric Died July 22^nd 2000 in Camarillo, California.

BRIEFS BY THE BUSLOAD

 

A busload of Lawyer’s went off a cliff

Some might say that that’s a shame

But it seems there was an empty seat

And I would call that a crying shame

HOW ABSORBING

 

Sponges are females I’d say

And the reason is this way

Because they’re squeezable

And soft and compressible

Come in all sizes like as not

And retain water quite a lot

IF I HAD A HAMMER

 

A hammer is without a doubt male

The reason for this I will now detail

It hasn't evolved much it appears

Over the last five thousand years

Though despite all this I have found

It can still be handy to have around

A BRIEF PROCESS

Have you ever used a word processor?

That once belonged to a law professor

No matter what font you might select

And Even if you were to double check

The end result will still make you squint

For it will all come out in small print

ONE IN A MILLION

 

A journalist is exactly like a Sperm

I can hear you disagreeing

Both have a one in a million chance

Of becoming a human being

GENDER CONTROL

 

The remote control is definitely female

You probably thought that I’d say male

But consider this, it gives a man pleasure

And he would be lost without his treasure

While he doesn't always know the right

Buttons to push, he keeps trying, despite

VERY TART

 

A Lawyer is nothing like a Whore

And that’s certainly has been said

Because any ordinary Prostitute

Stops screwing you when you’re dead

GENDER BENDER

 

A Swiss army knife is very much like a man

While appearing to be very useful as they can

For the help with varied tasks they can bring

They spend most of their time bottle opening

THAT’S NOT FUNNY

 

There are some things that just aren’t funny

For instance, here’s one that I’ve selected

I really don't approve at all of political jokes

Because I've seen too many of them get elected

A BRIEF ENCOUNTER

 

A Lawyer is nothing like a Gigolo

And that’s certainly not a crime

Because any ordinary Gigolo will

Only screw one person at a time

ACCESSORY TO BUGLARY

What looks good on a burglar?

And is colored black and tan?

Not a swag bag or a Balaclava

No ski mask but a Doberman

A BRIEF RUN DOWN

 

What you should do if not sure

If ever you run over a Solicitor

Firstly, back over him to be sure

Look around to see if anyone saw

And thirdly as it is a very big deal

Put another notch on the steering wheel

WHATS GOOD FOR THE GOOSE

 

What is it that a Goose can do?

But what a Duck is unable to

And a Lawyer really should do? 

The answer without further ado

Is stick his bill up his - ooooh!

ONE DOWN

 

I’ll tell you how, if you ever see

To get a Politician out of a tree?

It’s a really easy one you dope

Just climb up and cut the rope

A PAIL TALE

 

Now the difference you will find to fit

Between a Lawyer and a bucket of shit

Is only as a matter of fact the Bucket

PICK A POCKET ANY POCKET

 

Last winter it was just about as cold as it can get

And I saw a “dipper” stood outside the launderette

It was so cold you wouldn’t even go out for cigarettes

So cold he stood with his hands in his own pockets

NEAT FIT

 

Some days thing fit neatly

And everything dove tails

On others they seem to hang

Together with rusty nails

GREER GARSON C.B.E. - 29th September 1903 - April 6th, 1996

 

There is something of a discrepancy about Greer Garson’s date and place of birth as it has been given with equal credibility as London and Liverpool in England and County Down in Ireland on dates between 1903 and 1908.

For the purpose of this biography and based on consensus we have settled on the date of September 29^th 1903 in London, England.

 

So Eileen Evelyn Greer Garson was born in London, on September 29^th 1903. The name Greer was a contraction of her maternal ancestral surname, MacGregor.

When Greer was only two her father died during an appendectomy and her mother, Nina, provided for them by managing the properties left her by her husband.

The most remarkable part of her childhood was her weakness toward bronchitis and spent most of her winters in bed where she passed the time by reading and studying.

Her summers were spent in Ireland at her grandparent's home and her imagination flourished amidst the glory of the green Irish countryside.

None of which gave any indication that she would pursue a career as an actress in fact         

Greer had no clear goals but her mother felt her future lay in teaching due to Greer's intelligence and with that intention in mind she entered the University of London in 1921 and after five years graduated with a Bachelor's degree in 1926. 

However after graduation instead of pursuing a teaching career she opted to work at an advertising agency working in the research library.

While Greer was working she developed the passion for the theater that she discovered while she was at university and she dabbled in amateur dramatics in her spare time.

In 1931, Greer was accepted at the Birmingham Repertory Company and she quit her job at the ad agency. 

Then in 1931 she decided to start a career as a full-time actor and she left the agency and made her professional debut with the Birmingham Repertory company.

After two good years with the Birmingham Repertory company performing small roles in a variety of productions she was struck with a long bout of pneumonia and the had no alternative but to terminate her contract.

Greer returned to London to recuperating and was courted by, Alec Snelson, a childhood friend who in time proposed.

Family and friends advised her to accept which she did know deep down that it would not work because she didn’t love him.

On the 28^th of September 1933 she married Edwin A. Snelson, The marriage proved to be disastrous and the marriage ended in divorce in 1937.

In 1934when her health improved Greer returned to acting and eventually landed a role, On the London stage, in a play with Laurence Olivier called "The Golden Arrow".

She received some Tutoring from Laurence Olivier during those theatre days which proved invaluable in the future. 

This proved to be her breakthrough and she was suddenly very popular throughout London and play offers poured in.  Over the next three years she worked very hard at her craft and acted in a variety of plays, ranging from Shakespeare to costume dramas, but no big hits.

Then in 1937 she was cast in three British films, Twelfth Night, The School for Scandal and How He Lied to Her Husband.

But it was while she was performing in 'Old music' that she was spotted by MGM's Louis B. Mayer while he was on a visit to London.

Mayer had been searching for a high caliber leading lady to fill a void which would soon be created by the impending retirement of both Greta Garbo and Norma Shearer.

When Meyer saw Greer Garson he knew straight away that his search was over and offered her a contract.

Greer wasn’t interested in a film career because she didn’t feel she was photogenic.   However, the money coupled with a kinder climate for her mother, convinced her to change her mind. 

, she signed a seven year contract with MGM the following day that was In September of 1937.

 

After the exceptionally productive year of 1937 when she was fully employed on stage, made three films and got divorced Greer Garson's first year in Hollywood was a great disappointment.

She had hoped to get to work immediately but it was not to be for a number of reasons, firstly Louis B. Mayer was unsure how to cast her, secondly he didn’t have many parts in the pipeline and thirdly Garson’s refusal to play supporting roles as She felt that she had been signed as a leading lady to play starring roles and she was adamant that she would do so and she would just have to be patient.

Finally her patience paid off and she was given the leading role in a film called “Dramatic School” but Greer had a horse riding accident and hurt her spine aggravating an old injury which occurred after a diving accident when she was a child.

 The part went to Louise Rainer and Greer found herself clicking her heels once again.

 

Then just when Greer was beginning to give up hope she was offered the part of Katherine in the 1939 adaptation of James Hilton's story “Goodbye Mr. Chips”.

When she first read the script she was disappointed because the part was so small but she was afraid that refusal would be the final nail in her Hollywood coffin.

The film was made in England with a British cast that included Robert Donat, who played Mr. Chips.

Garson still had reservations about her part and felt it would probably be the only Hollywood film she would ever do.

By the time the film was completed she was already planning to resume her career on stage.

However when “Goodbye Mr. Chips” was released it received glowing reviews and her performance was critically acclaimed.

In addition to the many Accolades she received over the coming months she also received a nomination for the Best Actress Academy Award and Robert Donat was nominated for Best Actor.

It was a testament to the strength of her performance that she received her Oscar nomination and this was a high honor indeed considering that her part was more of a supporting role.

Robert Donat won the Best Actor award for his part as Mr. Chip but Greer Garson lost out to Vivien Leigh who won the Oscar for her role as Scarlet O’Hara in “Gone with the Wind”.

Still in 1939, In order to capitalize of the success of Goodbye Mr. Chips and Greer Garson’s popularity MGM hastily cast her opposite Robert Taylor and Lew Ayres in a romantic comedy called “Remember?” And turned out to be a film people would rather forget and the film was a flop.

 

Mayer had to find the perfect vehicle for Greer’s next film in order to undo the damage caused by “Remember?”

He chose the prestigious 1940 adaptation of Jane Austen's “Pride and Prejudice” casting her as Elizabeth Bennett opposite her mentor from the London stage Laurence Olivier who played Darcy.

The film was favorably reviewed by the critics and it was a moderately though not a huge box office success.

 

In 1941 she received her second best actress nomination for her role as Edna Gladney in “Blossoms in the Dust”.

The film was notable for two other reasons firstly she was cast opposite Walter Pidgeon for the first of many pairings and the film was made in vivid Technicolor which showed off Greer's flaming red hair to audiences.

“Blossoms” was followed in the same year by “When Ladies Meet” in which she co starred with Joan Crawford and Robert Taylor.

 

It is her sixth film at MGM “Mrs. Miniver” made in 1942 for which she is best remembered.

It was based on the book by Jan Struthers and Produced by Sidney Franklin who had wanted to make the film for several years and Greer played opposite Walter Pidgeon who played her husband.

The film depicted a typical middle class English family and the way their lives are affected by war.

When “Mrs. Miniver” was released it caused an instant sensation and broke box office records across the United States.

President Roosevelt and Winston Churchill applauded the film and urged the public to see it and called it an excellent morale booster.

The film received 12 Academy Award nominations and went on to win Best Picture, Best Supporting Actress Teresa Wright, Best Director, William Wyler, Best Screenplay, and Cinematography and of course best actress Greer Garson.

 

Its true to say that in Hollywood Greer Garson is equally remembered for her record breaking acceptance speech which lasted a staggering 5 1/2 minute and you might think that that is a mere blink of an eye by modern standards but apparently its still a record.

It was ironic that Mayer brought Garson to Hollywood as a long term replacement for Norma Shearer and “Mrs. Miniver” was turned down by Shearer and her replacement went on to win the best actress Academy Award.

 

There was something of a scandal when in was made public that Garson was dating the twenty three year old actor, Richard Ney, who played her son in “Mrs. Miniver”.

MGM feared this liaison might damage the film or the studio but it didn’t and they were married on 24^th July 1943.

 

Her next outing also in 1942 was in another James Hilton adaptation this time of his novel “Random Harvest” in a film she would always refer to as her favorite.

It was a romantic drama and she co-starred with a screen idol of her youth Ronald Colman.

Despite Colman being a bit long in the tooth to play the romantic lead his performance was outstanding and he was magnificent and went on to receive an Oscar nomination for it.

Greer relished the chance to play a contemporary figure and she even gave us a song and dance number and good look at her great legs.

 

Her next outing was in 1943 film “The Youngest Profession” where she made a Cameo appearance along with Lana Turner, Walter Pidgeon, Robert Taylor and William Powell.

Also in 1943 she played the title role in Madame Curie which earned Greer Garson’s fourth for Best Actress Oscar nominations among the seven received in total, but Jennifer Jones pipped her at the post for her performance in “The Song of Bernadette”.

 

In 1944 she was nominated again this time “Mrs. Parkington” and the following year “The Valley of Decision” which saw her nominated for the sixth time but neither won her a second Oscar.

Her sixth Nomination for an Academy Award meant she had been nominated five years in a row from1941 to 45 which is a record she holds jointly with Bette Davis.

 

By the mid forties she was tiring with being typecast in the same dramatic roles and she longed to do comedy but the MGM studio executives would not relent and kept casting her in serious dramas she said that she would have liked to appear in more comedies rather than dramas and was jealous Of Lucille Ball the new redhead on the block who was getting the comedy roles.

Ironically Lucille Ball was jealous of Greer Garson getting all dramatic roles.

 

"Gable's back and Garson's got him," was the trailer slogan for the 1946 romantic film “Adventure” but even pairing Clark Gable and Greer Garson wasn’t enough to prevent it from being a flop at the box office.

 

Then it was Robert Mitchum’s turn to star opposite her in “Desire Me” made in 1947 and was no less a disaster this was also the year when her marriage to Richard Ney ended in divorce.

 

It was back to Walter Pidgeon in the 1948 film “Julia Misbehaves” but even that didn’t help but when they paired again in 1949 in “That Forsyte Woman” stopped the downward spiral which meant that she ended the decade with a hit.

Later that year she married for the third time when on the 15^th July she married oil magnate, rancher and lawyer Colonel E.E. (Buddy) Fogelson and this time the marriage lasted until his death on December 1st 1987.

 

The fifties began with her reprising her role as Kay Miniver in “The Miniver Story” with Walter Pidgeon again playing her husband but it didn’t fair well.

But this did tend to set the trend for the decade were she had a succession of mediocre roles beginning with “The Law and the Lady” in 1951 with Michael Wilding, “Scandal at Scourie” with Pidgeon and Julius Caesar with Brando both in 1953.

1954 saw her back on the big screen with Robert Ryan in the male lead in “Her Twelve Men” and then her last big screen performance of the decade came in “Strange Lady in Town” where she co starred with Dana Andrews in 1955 this marked the end of her MGM contract.

 

In 1953 when Perhaps seeing the writing on the wall as far as the big screen was concerned and with her MGM contract nearing its end Greer began appearing on the small screen in "What's My Line?" and "Toast of the Town" both in October 1953.

Then after her last movie she made a flurry of TV appearances

In April 1955 “Producers' Showcase” then 1956 saw her in

“Star Stage”, “The Bob Hope Show” and “Hallmark Hall of Fame”

 

1957 she was back on “What's My Line?” and was twice seen on “General Electric Theater” then “Telephone Time” and “Father Knows Best".

The following year, 1958, saw her as a Mystery Guest on “What's My Line?” before taking over from Rosalind Russell in her Broadway role in “Auntie Mame”.

In late 1958, her beloved mother Nina Garson passed away she had been a constant source of support throughout her life and career and she was always by her side and they had always lived together.

Greer even got Nina supporting roles in several of her films.

Her mother’s death was a great loss to Greer.

 

The sixties began with her making a big screen comeback when she excelled in the role of Eleanor Roosevelt opposite Ralph Bellamy in “Sunrise at Campobello” in 1960.

This was arguably her finest screen work and deservedly landed her a record seventh Academy Award nomination though not deemed good enough to give her the award.

She also made a Cameo appearance in the same year in “Pepe” along with her husband Buddy.

This was followed in 1963 “The Invincible Mr. Disraeli” a movie for television.

The bulk of her time was spent in Santa Fe where she immersed herself in charity work.

Greer and Buddy Donated millions to the College of Santa Fe and were themselves rewarded when in 1965 the Greer Garson Theatre was built but Greer insisted that It had to be a working circular stage, the first play had to be “A Midsummer's Night Dream” and it had to have decent sized ladies restrooms.

Later, the E.E. Fogelson Library was dedicated and Greer also received an honorary doctorate an award that she cherished more than her Oscar.

“The Singing Nun” in 1966 and “The Happiest Millionaire” the following year marked the end of her career on the silver screen.

This was not the end of Greer however she kept up a variety of parts through out the remainder of the decade in “General Electric Theater”, “This Is Your Life”, “Hallmark Hall of Fame”, “The Little Drummer Boy” and “The DuPont Show of the Week”, as well as repeated spots on “The Red Skelton Show” and she was a regular on “Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In”.

She continued in the same vain In the 70’s making “The Little Drummer Boy Book II” and "The Virginian" plus old favorites "Hallmark Hall of Fame" and "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In" then the film “That's Entertainment, Part II in 1976.

But it was the 1978 TV film “Little Women” that marked the end of an era.

In 1975, Greer appeared at the Greer Garson Theatre at the College of Santa Fe in “The Madwoman of Challiot” this would prove to be her final stage performance.

She made a couple more TV appearances firstly in “A Holiday Tribute to Radio City Music Hall” in 1978 and the Perry Como Christmas show in 1979 but to all intents and purposes mainly due to her chronic heart problems she had retired Spending her time at Forked Lightning Ranch in New Mexico, near Santa Fe, she shared with her millionaire husband Buddy Fogelson.

In 1980 Greer suffered a minor stroke but just to show there was life in the old dog yet she popped up again on TV guesting in three episodes of "The Love Boat" in 1982

And then four years later she appeared in a television documentary “Directed by William Wyler”.

Greer would doubtless have done more if Buddy Fogelson had not been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 1982 and she declined all engagements to be by his side. 

 

Her association with the Academy was not restricted to her seven best actress nominations and the Oscar for "Mrs. Miniver"

On the contrary she was always a popular choice to present awards.

In 1953 at The 25th Annual Academy Awards she presented

Best Supporting Actor award then in 1961) it was Best Actor.

In 1962 she collected the Best Actress Award on behalf of Sophia Loren.

While in 1965 it was back to presenting with the award for Best Costume Design.

As the years went by she slipped further down the ladder and presented the Best Art Direction and Set Decoration award in 1973 and again in 1978.

 

During the years of her retirement she became a great campaigner on the environment and was active in aid of various charities educational and cultural institutions. Easter Seals, Christmas Seals, the Heart Fund and Cancer Crusades of California to name but a few of her causes.

Greer and her husband were devoted to wildlife protection and environmental preservation and they donated more than 300 acres of land north of Santa Fe which became part of the Pecos National Monument.

Buddy’s health steadily deteriorated throughout the 80's.and Greer’s health was very delicate and it was recommended by her doctor that the altitude of Santa Fe was not helping her heart condition.

Apart from the ranch in New Mexico they also had homes in Dallas and Los Angeles and it was to their Dallas home that they moved to and it was where Buddy died on December 1, 1987.

Greer continued to administer the Fogelson fortune Following Buddy's death she gave generously to various charities in Texas and New Mexico and The College of Santa Fe and Buddy's alma mater, the Southern Methodist University in Dallas were particularly favored.

Miss Garson was recognized in 1987, by New Mexico Governor Garry Caruthers when she was given the Governor's Award for Excellence and Achievement in the Arts.

The original Oscar she had won for best actress in Mrs. Miniver 1942 was destroyed in a fire at her home but the Academy later sent her a replacement.

 

The Women's International Center bestowed the “Living Legacy Award” on her in 1990.

Greer had to move into a suite at the Dallas Presbyterian Hospital, in 1992, where she continued to see friends and family but where her health could be monitored continually as her heart was very fragile.

Also in 1992 a second Greer Garson Theatre was unveiled at the Southern Methodist University in Dallas but sadly, Greer was unable to attend the dedication ceremony due to her frail health.

In 1993, in acknowledgment of Miss Garson's distinction in public service, Queen Elizabeth II recognized the English born actress by naming her Commander of the Order of the British Empire.

Other awards include for her contributions to the arts in Dallas the prestigious TACA/Neiman Marcus Silver Cup.

She also received four New York Film Critics' Awards and dozens more professional honors.

 

Titian haired, English born, Greer Garson, One of most popular and successful leading ladies of the 1940s who never gave a bad performance.

A beautiful woman a great actress blessed with the ability to rescue a mediocre script just by appearing in them and whose films are a joy to watch even today.

The gracious and beautiful Greer projected a persona of easy grace only surpassed by the friendliness and warmth of her off screen personality, “The First Lady of the Screen”, died on April 6^th, 1996 in Dallas of heart failure aged 92.

 

Greer Garson’s papers and personal effects were donated to the Jake and Nancy Hamon Library at the Southern Methodist University in Dallas.

 

At The 69th Annual Academy Awards in 1997 Greer Garson was honored by a Memorial Tribute.

LUSTFUL INTENT

 

It was a warm summer’s night in the 1974 and we were alone in a tent together when all at once the flaps flew open.

The tent flaps that is and not hers.

“What’s going on in here?” the voice said through the opening

I was lying under my sleeping bag and Marilyn was kneeling fully clothed, well almost, on an adjacent one.

The voice belonged to her father Ronald

“I might have known Cooper would be in his pit” he continued pompously

 

Her father Ronald was an Assistant Commissioner and we didn’t get on even before I started feeling up his daughter.

We were staying at the Lochearnhead Scout Station in Perth and Kinross.

It was once a working station before it fell foul of Dr Beeching and his cuts.

It was bought from British Railways soon after it closed, by the Hertfordshire Scouting association and was used as an activity centre for all levels of scouting in the county.

Which explains why I as a Venture Scout and Marilyn as a Cub Instructor were there.

At least it explains why we were in Lochearnhead, though not why we were alone together in a tent on a warm summer evening.

We had been seeing each other for about 3 months and we had reached the point where a kiss and a grope in the woods and a bit of fingering in the unisex toilets wasn’t enough for her and she wanted to go to the next level.

The reason we found ourselves in my tent was that Janice, the girl Marilyn shared with was entertaining a waiter from the local hotel in hers.

 

We had been planning the deed for about 3 days prior to that night as it was to be the first time for both of us.

But in the end as first times go it was pretty rubbish, in fact I’m not even sure it qualified as a first time.

As I managed to get myself into a condom but I wasn’t convinced I got into her before the incident came to a premature end.

Which is why she was almost fully dressed by the time Ronald arrived.

“Get back to your own tent young lady” he said

“You’re so embarrassing dad, Nothing happened” she responded

“I’ll deal with you later” Ronald said

“For God’s sake Dad, We didn’t do anything” Marilyn said

Which was true enough though it wasn’t for the want of trying

As they both walked off into the distance still arguing I thought she looked really horny in her uniform especially as she had her “Love is…” knickers stuffed in her uniform pocket.

 

Fortunately as we were both virgins and unlike the young of today we were incredibly naïve about sex, we were so much less aware back then.

Luckily Marilyn had no high expectations for the night, having no yardstick to measure it by.

So I got a second bite of the cherry so to speak which I took a couple of days later in the heathered hills of Glen Ogle and afterwards were left in no doubt whatsoever that we had had our first time.

 

The only downside was I got a tick bite on my arse for my trouble and guess who the duty first aider was.

I’M CELIBATE YOU KNOW

In my youth I took a solemn vow

Pretty pointless I know that now

For the vow that I took you see

Was a solemn vow of celibacy

 

For five long years I kept my vow

Pretty pointless I know that now

For I kept my vow as I promised

But for five years nobody noticed

 

DON THE BRIEF

 

If you listen, I will tell you exactly what you get

Let me tell you slowly so that you won’t forget

If you were to cross the Godfather with a legal man

You would get an offer that you can't understand

FERTILE OR STERILE

 

Solicitors don’t use condoms

Nor pills or have vasectomies

The contraceptives they employ

Are their irritating personalities

RIP GEORGE

 

An untimely death was George’s fate

He was still in middle age at any rate

George hadn’t been ill not even a cold

He had the body of a twenty-year-old

For two or three times a week about

But the trouble was his wife found out

CAESAR’S WIFE AND THE CENTURION

 

In ancient Rome in a time quite unlike today

Of Ceasar's wife the people were heard to say

That she was beyond reproach and all believed

And never once did the people feel deceived

 

One day after many years serving the empire

A brave centurion now returned full of desire

After soldiering long and hard over land and sea

He was back in Rome seeking feminine company

 

Caesar meanwhile was neglectful of his wife

For him the empire was most important in his life

And while Caesar was away enlarging his empire

The soldier took his chance and lit the lady’s fire

 

The couple however were very indiscreet, so

They were soon discovered Inflagrante Delicto

Well Caesar’s wife was beyond reproach before

But it’s only Caesar that thinks that anymore

A FISHY BRIEF

 

Now the difference you will find

    Between a Solicitor and a catfish

Is one's a scum-sucking scavenger

   While the other’s just a type of fish

A TROUBLE SHARED

 

Don’t tell people when things are bad

Because half of them would not be sad

And the other half are just plain glad

VILLAINY BILLANY

 

Leonard Billany was a solicitor

Of the ambulance chasing sort

And he would go to any lengths

To get some poor soul into court

Now Leonard has earned himself

A reputation for barefaced lying

But when he lies it’s easy to tell

For its when his lips are moving

 

He took holidays abroad often

On profits of others criminality

Scuba diving in clear blue waters

Warmed to a tolerable degree

Sharks would never attack Leonard

While he swam beneath the sea

And the reason he was not attacked

was out of professional courtesy

 

Leonard Billany was a solicitor

Of the ambulance chasing variety

And to those who knew him well

He was simply known as “villainy” 

But no matter how low he sank

Or twisted the system illegally

He had never sunk so low as when

He stood up as a political nominee

WHAT I WANTED IN A MAN

 

What I wanted in a Man when I was still in my twenties

Was someone handsome, charming with financial expertise

A man who dressed in style and appreciated the finer things

An imaginative, romantic lover and thoughtfully surprising

What I wanted in a Man when I was still in my thirties

Was someone who remembered birthdays and anniversaries

A nice-looking man preferably who still had his own hair

He would open the car door for me and even hold my chair

Who listened more than talked and laughed at all my jokes

And who wanted an early night without me having to coax

What I wanted in a Man when I was still in my forties

Was someone who was not too ugly or challenged follicly

Who was in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

And in steady employment even if he was no entrepreneur

Who would take me out for dinner even if not five star

And a man who wouldn’t drive away before I got in the car

What I wanted in a Man when I was still in my fifties

Someone who wouldn’t stoop to belch or scratch publicly

A man who would keep trimmed their ear and nose hair

And who would wear matching socks and clean underwear

What I wanted in a Man when I was still in my sixties

Someone who would remember where the bathroom is

Who was in good enough shape to stand up by himself

And could usually make it to the bedroom if nothing else

A man who only snores very lightly when he’s sleeping

Or someone who would remember why he was laughing

Usually kept his clothes on when he was out with his pals

And who didn’t scare small children or people’s animals

What I wanted in a Man when I reached seventy plus

Was someone who could still reach the toilet and flush

Who could breath unaided without an oxygen mask

And who doesn’t think of sex as a disagreeable task

PROBLEM DOCTOR

 

Doctor! Doctor! I have a terrible problem

I say things but then can’t remember them

That is a problem, when did it first happen?

I’m sorry doctor what problem is that then?

The Abbottsford Police Chronicles – # 1, The New Recruit

 

Detective Inspector Bill Overend often referred to himself as “optimistically middle aged”, because although there was no guarantee that he was in the middle of his life, he was nonetheless optimistic. 

He was actually forty-five years old, at least for another twenty-one days, and he knew only two well that he had long since seen the middle of his life.

He described himself as “a well-made man” not in a conceited way and not in the terms of an Adonis or someone of Herculean stature but more like solid, sturdy or robust some might even say, “Well built”.

But he liked to be thought of as “well made” it was an old fashioned expression, which his father always used, and he liked it for that reason as much as any other.

The few enemies he had were less flattering about his 6 foot 4 inch 18 stone presence.

But he was a popular man in the job as well as out of it.

As if his height and size did not make him distinctive enough he also had close-cropped Grey hair, that is, what had not already fallen out had turned Grey, and a predominantly Grey beard.

His children often told him he had his head on upside down.

 

It was a cold March night, well early morning actually, as he stood alone in the back garden of his four bed roomed detached home in the idyllic village of Chapel Hill.

He and his family had lived there for almost ten years.

They all loved it there so much.

Life had been good to them and they had a very comfortable and rewarding life.

It had not always been so.

It had taken a combination of hard work and good fortune in equal measure to get to where he was today.

He and his wife of twenty-six years, Sally, had always been happy in each other’s company but life had been more difficult and testing at times.

When they were first married they had a dingy two room flat in Nettlefield, a sprawling commuter town about ten miles and nearly twenty-five years away from where he now stood.

They got out of there after two long years of hard work, with Bill doing as much overtime as he could get, and Sally working days for a Paper Merchant as an office assistant and three evenings, and the occasional weekend, waiting tables at a Pub restaurant.

On the rare occasions that they were not working they spent quiet evenings planning their future and not spending anything.

There only vices being the occasional bottle of wine and smoking roll ups.

So in time they managed to scrape-up enough money for a deposit on a one-bedroom shoebox on a new development on the outskirts of Northchapel.

But they still had to keep working the long hours and extra shifts to meet the mortgage.

Mortgages were new territory for both of them, as no one in Bill’s or Sally’s family had ever owned their own house.

 

Then after a little over a year in their new home Sally broke the news that she was pregnant.

She was very worried about telling him and she delayed telling him for almost three days before she finally blurted it out, as a result of fear and simple delight and a need to share her joy.

But she need not have worried he was as delighted as she was and they were so excited that they danced around like march hares for what seemed like hours.

Even though this was not part of the plan yet they could not have been happier.

The unexpected news of Sally’s expectancy did cause some problems however the main one being the house was far too small for another person however little they might be. 

They could have decided on an abortion and delayed the family a few years but that didn’t sit well with either of them.

And they dismissed the thought almost as soon as it came to mind.

Not that they were part of the anti-abortion lobby it just wasn’t for them.

What was meant to be was meant to be.

 

They put the house on the market and sold it within two days and with the housing market booming they made a very healthy profit.

However the size of house they were looking for they just couldn’t afford.

They could have borrowed the extra money and taken out a bigger mortgage but they would never have been able to meet the payments with only one salary coming in.

Then out of the blue came a turn of good fortune.

There was a knock at the door; it was an old friend of Bills, Dave Butcher.

He had joined the RAF as an aircraft fitter as soon as he was old enough but they had stayed in touch and got together whenever possible.

“Butch” was an only child and had inherited the family home, a three-bed semi in Abbottsford, when his dad died suddenly of a heart attack eighteen months previously.

His mum had died when he was only four from a brain tumor.

Bill and Sally had taken care of the funeral arrangement as the news had hit him hard.

“Butch” and his Dad were very close and he took it really badly.

 

When they had announced they were getting married, out of all their friends and family only Butch, and Sally’s best friend Janice had supported them.

Everyone else had said they were too young, that they should wait and they should experience life first.

Sally’s parents were horrified when she told them she didn’t want to go to Art College.

That she needed to get a job so she could start saving up because she was going to marry Bill.    

They had thought that she would grow out of it that it was just an infatuation, a maturity thing, and when she came to her senses she could just go to Art School the following year instead.

They didn’t know her as well as they thought.

Suffice is to say they didn’t think Bill was good enough for her but then no parent really believes that anyone is good enough for their daughter.

Bills parents didn’t want him to tie himself down so early in his life, even though they loved Sally almost as much as he did, they just wanted them to wait for a year or two.

Never the less they married in 1985.

She was nineteen and he was twenty.

Janice Monk was bridesmaid and Dave Butcher was best man.

 

When Butch called round he said that he needed a favor as he was being posted to Sardinia for the next three years and he needed someone he could trust to house sit for him.

He still couldn’t bring himself to sell; the place still had too many memories.

“You could rent it out,” Sally suggested.

“It needs doing up before I can let it” Dave countered.

“And I only have 4 weeks leave”

 

So would they help him out and house sit while he was abroad, rent free, on the condition they did some of the maintenance.

They knew they would not be doing him as much of a favor as he would be doing them.

This was his way of thanking them for being there for him when his dad died.

So they agreed.

They lived there for three years which gave them the time to save for the next move.

The miners’ strike in the 80’s helped to grow many a Policeman’s savings fund due to overtime and subsistence payments.

It was on the last occasion after returning from a stint in the Nottinghamshire coalfields that Bill found himself in the right place at the right time.

There had been a gruesome discovery in woodland near the sleepy village of Pepperstock Green, The murdered and mutilated bodies of Anne Gresty and Juliana Molesworth. 

Detective Inspector Walter Quilty had been asked to put a murder squad together to investigate and Bill was picked for the squad.

This great opportunity came at a time when he had pretty much given up any ambitions to be a detective, he thought he would just study for his Sergeants exam and stay in uniform

Getting onto a murder squad was one of the most difficult things in the life of a P.C. but not as difficult as staying on it or indeed joining CID permanently.

 

One of the older hands on the squad told him “The trick is to get noticed, but for the right reasons, and without it being obvious you are trying to get noticed”

He wasn’t prepared to play that kind of game; it seemed more trouble than it was worth.

He decided to leave all the tactics and brown nosing to his more ambitious peers.

Besides because of his size he was a difficult man not to notice.

So he would have to make sure he did what he was asked and hope for the best.

He needn’t have worried.

 

Quilty had noticed Bill on several occasions during the course of the investigation and had been impressed with the quiet assuredness in which he handled his assignments and some of the more delicate situations they sometimes found themselves in.

So although he didn’t know it at the time DI Quilty had already earmarked Bill for the team even before Bill turned up the vital links, which lead to the arrest of the killer.

It turned out that the two women were lovers and after thorough searches of their homes Bill discovered that they had a mutual friend.

The mutual friend was Nicola Cuffe, also a lesbian.

She had formerly been involved in a sexual relationship with both of the dead women, although not at the same time.

When she discovered that her former lovers were now lovers themselves it enraged her to the point of committing murder, twice.

The act of mutilation was perpetrated out of sheer spite.

As if finding out Juliana and Anne were lover was not enough she then found their love letters and the knowledge that they were not just lovers but in love as well tipped Nicola over the edge.

So it was a crime of passion.

 

Detective Inspector Walter Quilty always liked to make new appointments to the team personally.

His favorite location for this, at any station, was the police canteen not because he took any pleasure in the foul brew misleadingly dispensed as tea, But because that was where people tended to be more relaxed and less formal.

Some DI’s liked to do it in the pub over a drink or two.

Walter Quilty didn’t drink himself; he didn’t care if others on the team drank as long as it didn’t affect their work in any way. 

So when Quilty walked into the canteen Bill had no idea of his purpose in being there.

Having collected a mug of something brown, wet and luke warm he made his way towards the table occupied by Bill and another PC John Holt.

John was the same age as Bill but joined the force two years after him and they had become firm friends. He and his wife, Mary, were to be godparents to his first child Isabel.

“Morning gentlemen” he said, he sat down and stirred his tea and looked across at John Holt.

John fidgeted nervously and ran his finger inside his collar, excused himself and left.

If he’d stayed under Quilty’s stare any longer he felt he would have confessed to something, anything.

With PC Holt out of the way Walter turned his gaze upon Bill.

“That was good work on the Pepperstock case constable Overend” The DI said looking suspiciously at his tea. 

“Thank you sir” Replied Bill

“How would you like get out of uniform permanently?” Quilty asked “and join my team?”

“Very much sir”

“Do you think you can handle it?” Questioned the DI

“Yes sir” 

“Ok I’ll square it with Superintendent Foxton” Said Walter as he stood leaving his tea.

“Unless you hear otherwise report to CID tomorrow, eight thirty”

 The DI said over his shoulder as he walked away.

“Yes sir”

 

Isabel’s birth was followed by another daughter Abigail then sons Daniel and Harry luckily his promotions followed at a similarly frenetic pace.

.

By the time Harry arrived Bill had made Inspector and his boss was promoted to DCI

This was on the back of their success in solving a very high profile child abduction case.

Arresting both abductors as well as securing the child’s release, unharmed.

 

Bill inherited most of his predecessors team plus the addition of two new transfers Detective Constable Boris Katarski and Detective Sergeant Tom Adamson.

Bill was very much a first impressions kind of person and when he overheard the two men talking he knew they would fit right in..

“Katarski? What sort of name is that? Where the hell does a name like that come from?” asked the DS.

“Cricklewood Serge” he answered walking away.

“Ask a stupid question” Adamson muttered to himself.

Bill chose Tom Adamson as his DS.

He never regretted it.

 

The house, “Little Harding’s,” was nestled in the hillside amidst the remnants of the ancient forest, which was once draped across the whole of the southern landscape.

The garden sloped gently away from the house and he looked out across the valley to the distant lights of Abbeyvale, the nearest town, and beyond to Grace Hill on the far side of the valley.

He looked up at the clear night sky.

The sky was clear but for the heavens bejeweled with stars, were their more stars in the sky tonight, no of course not, it’s just been a while since he enjoyed the simple pleasure of the night sky.

There was frost in the air and his breath showed like plumes of smoke as he exhaled.

“Smoke.” He heard himself say “if only.”

He found himself wishing he hadn’t stopped smoking, he hadn’t thought about smoking for months.

Bill had stopped smoking nearly a year ago, St George’s day.

He had defeated the nicotine monster as St George had defeated the dragon he would have said it was symbolic were it not for the fact that he hated symbolism so much.

He had been a serious smoker for almost thirty years.

What prompted him to stop?

It certainly wasn’t the insufferable bores who would wave their hands exaggeratedly in front of them and cough irritatingly while simultaneously rolling there tongue out and grimacing whenever they are in a smokers presence.

People like that only make you wish you smoked a pipe.

Nor was it the endless health warnings where smoking was the cause of every illness from cancer and heart disease to athlete’s foot and piles.

Bill always thought that every smoker accepted that smoking was harmful to your health.

But they took a gamble that it wouldn’t happen to them, that was certainly his view.

Even the fact that his brother, who was five years his senior, and a heavy smoker, had had a series of heart attacks when he was Bills age didn’t deter him from smoking.

And he was certainly feeling the effects of smoking like the morning cough and the breathless gasps climbing stairs. 

As for National no smoking day he always found it to be an amusing concept.

Many more smokers would participate if there were also a national smoking day when all the sanctimonious little prigs would have to have at least five good drags on a Woodbine.

That would give them something to cough about.

Then there is the annual ritual of the Chancellors Budget, when anything which might give the slightest pleasure to the great unwashed, must be taxed. But even having to pay more for the privilege didn’t persuade him to stop smoking.

What finally pushed him over the edge was the realization of the fact that he was an addict.

He was no longer choosing to be a smoker; he was one because he was addicted.

He was no better than a common junkie.

And that just made him mad.

He’d never really tried quitting before and he wasn’t sure how too.

There were plenty whom did have the solution to his problem and they weren’t backwards in coming forwards.

The funny thing was that most of them had never smoked in their lives.

His Aunt Mary suggested Hypnosis.  

He really didn’t fancy hypnosis at all just in case they discovered he was the reincarnated embodiment of Attila the Hun, Vlad the Impaler or even worse a new labor supporter.

The woman in the off license suggested acupuncture.

Acupuncture was never going to do it for him.

He didn’t believe in alternative medicine.

And if you don’t believe in the treatments one hundred percent they will never work.

Also he thought there is something faintly ridiculous about someone who sticks pins in people for a living.

And he lost count of the people who swore by nicotine substitutes, patches, chewing gum, lozenges, tablets or inhalers, all designed to replace the nicotine you would normally get from tobacco.

To his way of thinking if you want an efficient means of getting nicotine into your system then have a fag.

Now as a confirmed cynic he happened to think that nicotine substitutes are more effective at keeping affluent Pharmaceutical companies affluent than helping people to break the habit of smoking.

The addiction was to nicotine after all.

In the end he chose cold turkey, why do they call it that? , He didn’t know.

With a little positive thinking and an awful lot of will power he did it.

It was a lot easier than he thought it was going to be.

The first week was by far the hardest but he did start to feel the benefits, such as more energy, improved sense of taste and smell and tackling the stairs without getting breathless, which boosts you up when your will power might get a little shaky.

He found the hardest things were social events especially those involving alcohol, but it could be done.

He never really suffered any withdrawal symptoms but he has suffered the most extraordinary side effects in the form of unusual and extraordinarily vivid dreams.

Just a few nights ago for example, it should be mentioned that under no circumstances could Bill be described as a Cricket fan.

His knowledge of the game is virtually non-existent, this may seem an odd subject to dream about then when he detests it so much but nonetheless he did.

It amused him greatly as he thought of it.

He had on many occasions described the games rules as unfinished because the games inventor died of boredom before he could complete his work.

He always enjoyed baiting cricket fans with his suggestions as to how to improve the game, such as “tip and run” a concept familiar to most young boys forced to play the game.

Or playing with a burning ball, that would liven up the game.

So why someone so disparaging about the game should dream about it is one of life’s imponderables.

He had been selected to represent England in a test match against the West Indies in Trinidad.

If that wasn’t amazing enough he was to open the batting with Phil Tufnell, you see even his subconscious knows nothing about Cricket.

Now for some reason there was an unpronounceable Pakistani bowling and Bill hit the last ball of his first over the pavilion for a huge six.

As he began acknowledging the crowd’s applause, Tuffers began walking down the wicket so Bill walked to the middle to meet him, he shook Bills hand warmly and then he reached in to his pocket and brought out a packet of menthol cigarettes and offered him one, and they stood there smoking and soaking in the atmosphere.

As they stared about them they saw the West Indies captain talking animatedly with the umpire and they turned their gaze on Tuffers and Bill and then walked towards them.

Bill naturally thought they were in big trouble and even Phil looked a little nervous.

As they reached the middle the umpire said “I am sorry Gentlemen to interrupt your smoke break but do you think I could trouble you for a match”? And he took out his pipe.

And that was how it continued after every over they would meet in the middle and have a smoke.

And that is fairly typical of the dreams he has from time to time.

I suppose the big questions are firstly, does he miss it?

Yes he does, not that he has cravings.

What he misses is the habit, the ritual and the feel of a cigarette in his hands.

And secondly would he ever smoke again?

Yes in a heartbeat but he would regret it so he refrains.

He would kill for one now though.

 

He looks at his watch

2.00am.

He shakes his head and sighs.

He is standing in the middle of his lawn in his back garden at 2.00am on a cold march night wearing dressing gown and slippers wishing he hadn’t stopped smoking.

He looked down at his feet and wiggled his toes.

Correction wearing wet slippers and wishing he hadn’t stopped smoking. 

Just then bright yellow light spills into the darkness behind him illuminating the lawn but for his large shadow stretching into the darkness.

“Bill are you coming in?” A woman’s voice called softy.

It was his wife Sally also donning dressing gown and slippers.

Sally however, sensibly chose not to venture out into the night air and just put her head out far enough around the French door to call to Bill without waking the neighborhood.

“I’ve made coffee.” She waited a few moments.

“OK sweetheart” Bill returned in equally hushed tones without turning round.

“I’ll be in, in a moment”

He heard the door close and the bright light disappeared as Sally drew the curtain back across the door.

He looked at his watch again 2.05am.

Bill despaired.

He had had some intriguing cases over his career and he was certainly no stranger to sleepless nights, either because of his work or because of the children.

Every parent experiences it at some time even with the best of children.

But this was different this was a new experience.

And it was something totally out of his control he could do nothing.

He could not help in any way, he felt redundant.

He was about to become a Grandfather for the first time.

 

Sally was sitting in her armchair giving every outward appearance of dignified calm.

She was in her normal corner beneath her lamp, cross-stitching, the normal paraphernalia scattered about her.

But for the fact that she had re-stitched the same area six times she was coping well.

She was wishing now that she had not insisted that her son in law, Paul, phone the moment, Isabel went into labor.

“We could have had a good night’s sleep and woken to the happy news” She said to herself.

But it wasn’t the lack of sleep that worried her it was not being with her daughter to help.

She looked at the clock again.

“It hasn’t bloody moved” then she laughed.

She was always onto Bill about swearing.

The door handle rattled as Bill opened the door, there was some fumbling behind the curtain and then Bill appeared.

“My feet are wet,” he said

“I’m not surprised” Sally said unsympathetically.

“Your coffee is by your chair but it’s probably cold by now”

Bill sat down and kicked off his slippers and picked up his coffee.

Putting the mug to his lips he took a mouth full and grimaced

“Uh that’s horrible” and put down the mug.

Sally set her stitching to one side and got up.

“You go and dry your feet and I’ll make some fresh” she said and took his cup.

“It’s all right love I’ll do it, it’s my own fault its cold, you carry on with your stitching” Bill protested.

Sally reached to her full five feet two inch height and kissed him warmly.

“Go and dry your feet,” she said

Bill hugged her to his chest and kissed her forehead.

“I love you,” he said

She reached up and kissed him again.

“Of course you do, why wouldn’t you love me I am wonderful after all” she walked nonchalantly out of the room suddenly her head reappeared around the door.

“I love you too”

They both laughed helplessly.

It was amazing how, no matter how old he got, he still loved her as much as he did when he first saw her all those years ago.

 

It was 4.00am.

Sally had gone back to bed at three o’clock but Bill had decided to sit up a little longer. He should have gone to bed with Sally as he was fighting to keep his eyes open.

He had been struggling with the “long blinks” for the last half hour.

The blinks were getting longer and longer and.

Bill was hacking his way through the dense jungle with a machete while Stanley and Livingston offered words of encouragement.

Bill stopped to mop his brow with his handkerchief.

“Let’s press on Overend” called Stanley.

Bill acknowledged Stanley and went to work again with the machete in a short while he broke through into a large clearing.

Very soon thirty or forty pygmies surrounded them from a previously undiscovered tribe.

They were led through the jungle by the fierce looking pygmies for about an hour until they suddenly found themselves in the pygmy’s village.

The pygmies spoke a very strange language that none of them had ever heard before yet funnily enough they could understand every word.

They were introduced to the tribal chief amid great ceremony and then they were led into a large hut.

The hut was lined with the tribal elders and the visitors were introduced in turn finally they were invited to sit in close proximity to the Chief.

After a magnificent feast, complete with music and dancing girls, the Chief clapped his hands three times and a serving girl came into the hut carrying a large tray.

She presented it to the chief and he gestured grandly to his guests and the serving girl offered round a box of Henri Winterman slim panatela cigars.

Bill woke with a start.

“No I don’t do that anymore”

He looked around the room and for a moment he didn’t know where he was.

Looking down he saw the cat curled up on his lap and he stroked her.

“Hello Blackberry old girl”  

He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

He replaced his glasses and looked at the clock.

6.40am.

 “Breakfast time eh girl”

She jumped down purring loudly and trotted off in the direction of the kitchen.

Getting to his feet Bill paused to stretch then he walked to the French doors and threw back the curtains letting in the weak morning light.

The cat mewed loudly from the kitchen doorway and Bill turned and walked towards the kitchen.

“Ok you stupid creature I'm coming”

As he walked into the kitchen he picked up the kettle and checked the level, finding it sufficiently full he replaced it on the stand and switched it on.

Then he opened a cupboard and took out a sachet of cat food and a clean bowl.

The cat was in a frenzy not knowing whether to meow or purr and performing figures of eight around Bills Feet

“Ok Berry, ok, here it is, anyone would think you’d never been fed before”

Bill placed the bowl on the cats mat then he turned his attention to the tea.

 

With the cat fed and the tea made Bill took a sip of his coffee before he made his way upstairs with Sally’s cup of tea.

He walked into their bedroom and walked around to Sally’s side of the room,

“Cup of tea Sal” he said as he put her tea down on the bedside cabinet.

“Thanks love” she said sleepily

“What’s the time?”

“Just after seven” Bill said as he sat down on the edge of the bed his coffee in hand.

“Any news yet?” she asked

“No” Bill yawned “not a thing”

Just at that moment the phone rang, Bill and Sally looked at each other.

Sally reached out her left hand and clasped Bills hand tightly and with her other hand she picked up the phone.

“Hello”

“Paul? Hello what news?”

A Pause.

“A boy, that’s fantastic, seven pounds eight ounces”

She’s looking at Bill all the time.

“A good size”

Another pause to absorb more information

“Mother and baby both doing well”

She let go of Bills hand to wipe her eyes

“Oh Paul we’re so proud”

She wipes away another tear.

“Yes we would love to, ok well see you later bye”

Bill put down his coffee in preparation.

Sally hung up the phone looked at Bill and dissolved into tears and launched herself into his arms.

 

After the tears had subsided Bill got up and took off his dressing gown then he pulled back the duvet and slipped under the cover and snuggled up close to Sally.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” said Sally suspiciously

“It just occurred to me that I’ve never made love to a granny before”