A Little Bit Of Humour # 135

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 384

The old lady who lived in a shoe
Was forced into the sex trade
And moved into a thigh high
Stiletto Boot on what she made

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 10

Tinderfella went to the dance
Looking for a little romance
But in the end he didnt find her
Because they were all on grindr

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 5

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeons were a couple of arses
One of them said to the other “I bet now
You wish you hadn't forgotten your glasses.”

MY COUSIN IS AN ORTHODONTIST

My cousin is an orthodontist
In the American deep south
I don’t think he’s happy, as he
Always looks down in the mouth

THE MOST MIRACULOUS ANIMAL

The most miraculous animal
In the farm-yard, I am assured
Is the humble pig and that’s because
It is killed and then cured

WHEN IS A LOVER LIKE A TAILOR

When is a lover like a tailor?
Surely that point is moot
The answer simply has to be
When he presses his suit

A WOMAN, HAVING BURIED HER

A woman, having buried her
Philandering husband Dwight,
Said she had one consolation,
She knew where he was at night

AVOID MARRYING A GIRL CALLED ANN

Avoid marrying a girl called Ann
With every fibre and particle
Because if you marry her
She will be an indefinite article

A WOMAN’S FAVOURITE WORD

A woman’s favourite word
When all said and done
Doesn’t have to be special
It just has to be the last one

WHEN ACTOR FOGHORN LEGHORN

When actor Foghorn Leghorn
Retired to a farm near Leyton
Named his favourite he “Macduff”
Because he wanted her to lay on

Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says its
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”

Christmas 2016 # 1

WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet

I REMEMBER THE TIME

I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause

FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE

Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year

I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!

REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT

Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it

IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY

In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you

CHRISTMAS PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents

FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON

For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve

A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1

That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays

WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS

When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow

A Little Bit Of Humour # 134

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 383

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
When he got a telephone call
“Hump Me Dumpty” Bo said
And he fainted and fell off the wall

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 9

New mattresses were ordered
For the bed of Princess Kayleigh
As they were changing the beds
For The Princess And The Pee

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 4

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeon thought he was a riot
He held up the x-ray and said “Wait a minute,
If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?”

THE LORD AND GENTLEMAN OF THE HOUSE

The Lord and gentleman of the house
Eloped with the under cook, Elaine
But his wife was quite sanguine, because
She could have the maid to herself again

CHEMISTS AND ALCHEMISTS

Chemists and alchemists
Are both of feminine gender
Because one is a Charlotte Ann
And the other is an Ann Eliza

LIFE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

Life is short, a four letter word
It’s quite absurd, and here’s why
It’s because half of it is just an 'if
And three quarters of it is a 'lie'

LIP-SALVE

Lip-salve is a very useful product
But it’s not a good chaperon, in anyway
Even though it lives up to its boast
Of always keeping the chaps away

FOR MANY YEARS HE HADN’T DONE MUCH

For many years he hadn’t done much
In the way of work at all
Not that he was physically incapable
He just worked at county hall

IT WILL NORMALLY INVOKE A SENSE OF SHAME

It will normally invoke a sense of shame
When a young lady to loses her good name
However her position is not an untenable one
When a young man gives her a better one

NICOLA STURGEON, THE SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER

Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish First Minister
Says she want’s independence from Westminster
But it’s illogical, she’s just flexing her muscles
As Scotland will become dependent on Brussels

A Little Bit Of Humour # 133

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 382

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
He didn’t see her coming at all
“Hump Me and Dump Me” She yelled
And pushed him off the wall

HE WAS AN ASPIRING NOVELIST

He was an aspiring novelist
And an uncomplicated fella
Who wrote in the basement
Clearly hoping for a best cellar

I BOUGHT A SECOND HAND PHONE

I bought a second hand phone
From a guy in Germany
I just had to delete his contacts
And now it's Hans free

ELEVATED SHOE

My latest girlfriend
Wears an elevated shoe
Just on one foot though
But, that’s Eileen for you

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 8

Fumble Lina, Fumble Lina sexy little thing
Fumble Lina prance, Fumble Lina swing
Fumble Lina all I do is give a whistle or give a call
And because you’re so full of lust you let me have it all

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 3

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped my notes he said
“Don’t lose them, we may need them at autopsy”

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WASN’T ALLOWED

William Shakespeare wasn’t allowed
To drink in his local hostelry
And the reason for that was because
He had been Bard obviously

KERMIT THE FROG’S CAR

Kermit the Frog’s car
Broke down one day
So he phoned the AA
And it got Toad away

WHEN ANNE BOLEYN WAS UNDRESSED

When Anne Boleyn was undressed
It was observed when they viewed her
That she was covered in tooth marks
Because of her husband Henry Tudor

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 1

Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
One in three chavs are conceived
In the stores toilets instead

A Little Bit Of Humour # 132

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 9

My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says my first driving license
Was probably written in Latin

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 7

“You'll never guess my name”
Taunted Rumpelstiltskin.
“I know” she said “but that’s because
Of the Gimp Mask you’re wearing”

THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY

The Thanksgiving Turkey
Risked being stricken
When he crossed the road
To prove he wasn't chicken!

MY SISTER BROKE UP WITH HER MR RIGHT

My sister broke up with her Mr Right
After only a few days,
Because it turned out
That his first name was always

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”
He said as I was lying there in my gown

I PHONED THE DENTIST IN SOME DISTRESS

I phoned the dentist in some distress
And I had to get a bit shirty
The receptionist finally booked me
An appointment at Tooth Hurty.

STEP BROTHER

When I got home from work
My brother came into view
He was laying on the doorstep
But hey that’s Matt for you

SOMEBODY TRASHED THE BIKE

Somebody trashed the bike
Of the school bully, Michael
It was after an anti-bullying lecture
Entitled “let’s break the cycle”

I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION

I heard a very apt description
Of Gardening the other day
It suggested that Gardening was
Grown-ups going outside to play

SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT

Some people are down beat
And see life as a negative
But I was born to be an optimist
Even my blood type is B Positive

A Little Bit Of Humour # 131

HALLOWEEN PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Halloween season
Just say to any girl you meet
“If you let me show you a trick
I can promise you’ll get a treat”

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 8

My son jokes about my age
Especially in front of his mates
He says that when I was at school
We had to write on slates

EVERYONE WANTS CANDY ON HALLOWEEN

Everyone wants Candy on Halloween
As they march on their trick or treat patrol
But the only Candy that interests me
Will be swinging on a silver pole

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 381

Jack and Jill went up the hill
But not for a pale of water
Because they went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t oughta

REMEMBER THE FIFTH

Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6

She was drinking in the forest
But she didn't want Tango to sup,
That wasn’t for Snow White,
She much preferred her 7up

IT HAPPENS EVERY HALLOWEEN

It happens every Halloween when
Enthusiastic revellers frequent
Accident and Emergency, where
Clinicians call it trick or treatment

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”
He said as I was lying there in my gown

I DON’T BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND DEMONS

I don’t believe in spooks and demons
I think that should be understood
But there are always more trick-or-treaters
Than there are kids in the neighborhood

IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE THEIR OWN REFLECTION

If vampires can’t see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That’s shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage?
To keep their hair tidy?

A Little Bit Of Humour # 130

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 7

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says my first driving license
Was written on a scroll

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And at the summit
Jack does Jill

I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION

I have often wanted to ask the question
Which has always gone unspoken
Why, when my wife gets ready, does she
Put on mascara with her mouth open

WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET

When I checked labels at the supermarket
I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen
As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring
And washing up liquid is made with real lemons

I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE

I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness
Is something to which I have no objections
But it seems pointless, to sterilise needles
That are to be used for lethal injections

A PENNY’S WORTH

Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in”
Means that you took your chance to speak
But you only get a “penny for your thoughts”
Which I have always thought a bit of a cheek
I don’t understand the disparity in the values
Why is it cheaper to think than it is to speak?

I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON

I travel on the train to Wimbledon
It’s the best station by far for me
As you can change for the Overground
Underground and Wombleing free

I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER

I think that their name is an misnomer
If the Borrowers never return anything.
In fact I would go as far to say they’re
Little more than a criminal enterprise ring

WHY DID THE BROKEN CLOCK

Why did the broken clock
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop

IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT

If JM Barrie had written smut
About all the titillation and joys
His classic tale would have been
Peter Porn and The Lust Boys

MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST

My father in law is a Physicist
Who is oblivious to culinary tips
He is too focussed on his work
So he lives on Fission chips

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5

The classic tale of Goldilocks
Should never have included Bears
The Girl was gay so it was actually
Goldilocks and the Three Mares

A Little Bit Of Humour # 129

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 6

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379

Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4

He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4

Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on

WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?

Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”

THE LITTLE ENGINE

The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.

TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”

AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY

At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg

I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER

I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME

When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had

G-SPOT

There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able

A Little Bit Of Humour # 128

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 2

I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake feeling brighter
I just wish it would remember me
When I was Three stone lighter

FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE PLAYGROUND

Foghorn Leghorn crossed the playground
But not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was just to get to the other slide

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 3

Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so fleet
But because I dithered I don’t know
How to get to Sesame Street

WHY ARE EGGS PACKED IN CONTAINERS

Why are eggs packed in containers
That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen
But batteries are in plastic packs
You can only open with a laser beam

MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP

Mind the gap, mind the gap
Is not an announcement about safety
But is pointing out the difference
Between the timetable and reality

I HAD A FITTING WITH MY TAILOR

I had a fitting with my tailor and
All the measurements were wrong
I should really have known better
After all his name is Wei Tu Long

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 5

My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says that my first passport
Was probably written in Latin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 377

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
And that’s because she’s
A short sighted farmer

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 3

Babes in the wood
And their escapades
Is now a porn film,
Wood in the Babes

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 3

Disney have got into porn
It became a financial reality
And of the films to be made
Is Beauty and the Bestiality

PTERODACTYL

None of the dinosaurs ever heard
The pterodactyl spend a penny
And the simple reason for that
Was because of the silent P

MY NEW TENNIS PARTNER

My new tennis partner
Always obstructs my view,
Stood in the middle of the court
But, that’s Annette for you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 127

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 376

Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
He’s the one in the muffin top

IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS

If the singular is this
And the plural is these,
Why isn’t the plural of kiss
Ever referred to as kese?

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 2

Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so brief
So because I dithered I can’t reply
To the question “where's the beef”

PUT DOWN # 62

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Did you just fall from heaven?”
Take a breath and pause for a bit
Then reply “Yes I fell from heaven
But then I landed on a soft shit?”

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 4

My son jokes about my age
He really keeps going on and on
He says that when I was at school
I was best friends with Nelson

WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the Lion cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was to get to the other pride

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 2

The sorcerer’s apprentice
Wasn’t there for tutorage
He was only interested in
The Sorcerer's Appendage

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 2

Disney have got into porn
Namely with the Brothers Grimm
It’s to be an ensemble piece
Entitled The Brother's Quim

PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON

Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon
As he disrupts the pirates shanties
But that’s not even his real name
He was baptized as Peter Panties

WHY DID THE ONE HANDED MAN

Why did the one handed man
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop

SEX TOY STORY

Her husband had a Woody
But that didn’t impress her
So she went and got Buzz
Out of the drawer in her dresser

ON MY BED AT HOME # 2

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m overweight
Which causes me great distress

A Little Bit Of Humour # 126

SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 2

So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular cat
Would in the plural
Be cats and never cose

FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER

For my poor deluded father
The men in white coats beaconed
He thought he was a chocolate orange
So now he’s been sectioned

I CAN’T COUNT TO TEN IN FRENCH

I can’t count to ten in French
It’s impossible for me
I can only count to seven
Because I have a huit allergy

JOLLY

To be politically correct
We must call fat people, jolly
And the really fat people
Have to be called morbidly jolly

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 1

I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake fresh at cock crow
I just wish it would remember me
As I was at least twenty years ago

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 1

Procrastination is the thief of time,
There’s no truer saying without a doubt
And as a result of my dithering
I still don’t know “who let the dogs out”

PUT DOWN # 61

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
So if you tire of unwanted attention
Just tell him you’re incompatible
and if he questions your remark
Say it’s because you’re not inflatable

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 3

My son jokes about my age
His humour is frankly, not
He says my first license
Was for driving a chariot

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378

Jack be Nimble,
Jack be quick,
But please don’t play
With your candle stick

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 1

Snow White thought
7-Up was just a drink
But meeting the dwarves
Caused her to rethink

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 1

Disney have got into porn
And the first film to be made
Is a remake of a classic
Renamed “The Little Sperm Maid”

ON MY BED AT HOME # 1

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m over sixty
Which causes me great distress

SWEET HONEY BEE

Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
And your honeyed words
Well-crafted and poignant
Even finding humour
On your sad journey

Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss your
Tireless support for others,
Less talented than you
Such as I, with your
Patient kind encouragement

Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
Now the world is a sadder place
Without you in it
But the eternal meadow
Is now graced with another Honey Bee



For Deborah

A Little Bit Of Humour # 125

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 375

Star light, star bright,
No I don’t want to tonight
If truth be told, alright
I think stargazing is shite

WHEN WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER

When we speak of a brother
We can also speak of brethren,
But although we say Mother,
I have never heard said, Methren

MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN

My uncle got caught stealing again
It’s an occupation hazard by and large
This time it was luxury toilet rolls
And he pleaded quilty to the charge

ON THE JOURNEY TO WORK

On the journey to work
I had a nightmare
But I woke up before I ran
Anyone down to be fair

THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ

The sign in the layby read
“No dumping” it was hard to miss
But luckily it didn’t apply to me
Because I only needed a piss

THERE WAS AN IRRITATING WHINING SOUND

There was an irritating whining sound
As I was driving to work today
I ignored it and drove on into town
To drop my wife off and then it was ok

DO YOU WANT TO SEE A NAKED HARPIST

“Do you want to see a naked harpist?”
I was asked and of course replied yes please
But I was told that I mustn’t touch the harp
Because of the risk of catching harpies

I ONCE WENT OUT WITH A HARPIST

I once went out with a harpist
Who played it naked, except for specs
She wasn’t very good but afterwards
We had No strings attached sex

I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS

I picked up a tray of Lamb chops
Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop
I refused to buy them on the basis
That I thought that was a bit racist

MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS

My neighbours are obnoxious, rude
And loud and they’re doing in my cranium
They are so intolerable that I finally
Know, what it must be like to be a Canadian

I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR

I got chatting on the Euro Star
And I really rather enjoyed it
First I made a Belgian waffle
And then a Frenchman talk shit

A Little Bit Of Humour # 124

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 374

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t’ve oughter
Now she has a dose of chlamydia
And Jack has trouble passing water

IF THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS

If the masculine pronouns
Are he, his and him
Why then is it the feminine
Are not she, shis and shim

THE OBESITY TIME BOMB

The media keep talking about
An obesity time bomb
Well I hope I’m nowhere nearby
When it goes off chum

THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF TALK LATELY

There’s been a lot of talk lately
In the media about blue on blue
But it shouldn’t be a surprise
Because that’s Smurf porn for you

LUXEMBOURG IS A MUCH SMALLER COUNTRY

Luxembourg is a much smaller country
But nonetheless in a tournament year
They share something with England
Which is their FIFA Ranking I fear

WE MUST REWRITE THE HISTORY BOOKS

We must rewrite the history books
King Tut was not really Egyptian
Dad was a Scot, his Mum Spanish
And he was named Tartan Carmen

A MAJOR FIRE CAUSED PANIC

A major fire caused panic
And was causing great harm
It was in the aroma candle factory
So things soon became calm

I REGULARLY DONATE BLOOD

I regularly donate blood
So I feel I’m doing my bit
But for some of the donor’s
It’s like self-harm for a biscuit

SHE SAID SHE WAS A BUSH DOCTOR

I completely misunderstood
But then I was a bit pissed
She said she was a Bush Doctor
So I thought “she’s a gynaecologist”

CHAMPAGNE TO YOUR REAL FRIENDS?

Champagne to your real friends?
And real pain to your sham friends?
Well that’s Not my idea of friends

I MISUNDERSTOOD ABOUT PPI

I misunderstood about PPI
And I really feel such a fool
I thought you got it if you didn’t
Wear your goggles at the pool

WHEN WE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE

When we reached cruising altitude
As we headed for another continent
The cabin light dimmed to enhance,
The appearance of our flight attendant

A Little Bit Of Humour # 123

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 373

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
The former was a grump
But the latter was a charmer

SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 1

So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular hat
Would in the plural
Be hats and never hose


THE LVG WAY

Your team should always have a plan “B”
In modern football you would have to say
Unfortunately for Manchester United though
Louis van Gaal doesn’t have a plan “A”

YESTERDAY I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR

Yesterday I went to see the doctor
Because I was feeling like hell
And he said, “You've got hypochondria”
“Oh no” I said “Not that as well”

WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT

We were eating at an Indian restaurant
When we received news of the trauma
We all found it very distressing
My naan had slipped into a Korma

MY NEIGHBOUR STOLE MY SHOES

My neighbour stole my shoes
He’s the nicest man you could meet
I was going to confront him?
But at the last minute I got cold feet

WHEN I WAS STILL A LITTLE KID

When I was still a little kid
I thought my grandad was a hero
Because he was Lollipop man
And I thought that was a superhero

MY GRANDAD WAS KILLED BY A ZULU

I was always led to believe that
My grandad was killed by a Zulu
But he was killed when the roof
Collapsed in a London Zoo Loo

I LEARNED COUNTING USING DRIED SEMOLINA

I learned counting using dried semolina
Everything else was superfluous
It’s the way we used to do it in Morocco
It was what we call our Abacouscous

I’M PAST MY SELL BY DATE

According to my wife
I’m past my sell by date
But for my children,
I’ve not passed my use by date

MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS

Mr Onion told a joke in class
He’s a bore so I don’t know why
But he told it anyway and we
didn’t know Whether to laugh or cry

BURNING ALL HER BILLS

My next-door neighbour
At number ninety two
Has been burning all her bills
But, that’s Bernadette for you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 122

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 372

Star light, star bright,
The first star I saw tonight
Was truly an epic fail
It was a z-lister from Emmerdale

THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE

If in your home sweet home
You find a solitary mouse
Then it is perfectly acceptable
To call it a house mouse
But if in your home sweet home
You find that you have mice
Then it is quite unacceptable
To refer to them as hice mice

THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE

The waitress asked “Do you have
Any questions about the menu?”
My brother in law replied
“Is this font courier new?”

THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE

There is a simple truth in life
And it’s an honest admission
It is much easier to apologize
Than it is to ask permission

I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED

I have always believed
That it’s quite absurd
That “abbreviation”
Is such a long word

THE SMELL OF BOOKS

I think that the people who say they
Love the smell of books are jerks
Because it’s perfectly clearly they
Don’t know how reading books works

THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH PRESSURE

There is always so much pressure
To be with people on a holiday
But if there was only one
On which to go your own way
Then that one would of course be
On Independence Day

FORTUNE COOKIE

When you’ve finished your dinner
A fortune cookie would suit yer
But if there is no fortune in it
That means you don’t have a future

THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY

The inventor of the Allen key
Made nothing off it
Despite the fact that
It certainly turned a profit

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2

If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then a solo is a lonesome

I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY

I visit my grandad regularly
Even though he’s a little daft
He has the windows open when
He makes me play draughts

APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD

Apparently a good compost heap should
Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,
But not so hot it would cook a lobster
Well poached or not I am not eating it

MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER

My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time

I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK

I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2

Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy deadlock

A Little Bit Of Humour # 121

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 371

Oh, where have you been,
Billy Boy, Billy Boy?
Oh, where have you been,
Charming Billy?
It’s a rhetorical question
Billy Boy, Billy Boy
Because I know you’ve been
Chasing a filly

THE PLURAL OF BOX

So if it is correct that
The plural of box is boxes
Then why is the plural of ox
Oxen and not Oxes

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 3

If clergymen can be defrocked
Can a promoter be demoted?
Should writers be described?
And musicians be denoted?

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 1

If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then solo is a handsome

IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL

If I had a pound for each and every girl
That said that they found me unattractive,
It would increase my worth eventually
And then they would find me attractive

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL

I always thought that alcohol
Made me funnier, smarter, oh
And a much better dancer
But then I saw myself on video

IF I’M SMILING, I'M THINKING

If I’m smiling, I'm thinking
Of doing something naughty
If you see me laughing, its
Because I've done it already

PROBLEMS ARE ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE

Problems are all about perspective
One of those “cup half full” affairs
So Escalators don't break down
They just magically turn into stairs.

SOME OF US LEARN FROM

Some of us learn from
The mistakes of others
The rest of us are destined
To be the others

I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE BIG WORDS

I hate people who use big words
I think it’s pretentious
And they only do it to make
Themselves look perspicacious

MANY MODERN HOMES NOW

Many modern homes now
Have a panic room in it
But to my two daughters
And my dear wife Brigit
Any room is a panic room
When they’ve lost a phone in it

ONE OF LIFE’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

One of life’s universal truths
Is not really much of a surprise
But behind every great man
There’s a woman rolling her eyes

A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN

A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient

MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM

My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out

FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER

Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo

A Little Bit Of Humour # 120

WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride

BONSAI GRANDAD

My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 370

Diddledy, diddledy, dumpty
The cat ran up the plum-tree
But then so would you chum
If they were after your plums

THE PLURAL OF MOUSE

So if it is correct that
The plural of mouse is mice
Then why is the plural of house
Houses and not hice

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 3

It is a sad fact of life that if
Times are going well
You have overlooked something
And it will all go to hell

IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 2

If Lawyers can be disbarred
Can dustmen be well disposed?
Or can tour guides be detoured
And must models be deposed?

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 2

My son jokes about my age
He is always making light
He says when I was a boy
Rainbows were black and white

DR. PEPPER IS A DR.

Dr. Pepper is a Dr.
But that’s the twist
But what kind,
I guess he’s a fizzicist

A YOUNG MAN GOT MUGGED

A young man got mugged
By a magician last year
He took a wallet, a watch,
And the coin from behind his ear

THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED

The Airplane was invented
By an optimist
While the parachute was
Invented by a pessimist

I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING

I have a phobia about flying
And I won’t fly Virgin, no way
After all why use an airline
That doesn’t go all the way?

YOU SHOULD NEVER GET BACK

You should never get back
Together with an old flame
It’s like having a garage sale
And buying your stuff back again

NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT WOMEN

New evidence indicates that women
Who carry a little extra weight
Will live considerably longer
Than the men who mention it mate

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTION

There is absolutely no substitution
Or for that matter an easy solution
For a genuine lack of preparation

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 1

Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy padlock

A Little Bit Of Humour # 119

WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride

GARDENING RULE

If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 369

Oh, the grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
But when they were not up nor down
The grand old Duke forgot they were there
But that was an occupational hazard
As he had early onset dementia

THE PLURAL OF MAN

So if it is correct that
The plural of man is men
Then why is the plural of pan,
Pans and not pen

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 2

It is a sad fact of life that is
Inherently unfair
If there are four ways
In which a thing can go wrong
A fifth way will occur

IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 1

If Lawyers can be disbarred
then will fishermen be debated?
Will magicians be disillusioned?
And politicians denominated?

FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF A FIRST CLASS STAMP

For the bargain price of a first class stamp
You can trust a letter to the post master
But it won’t be delivered the next day
And second class won’t arrive the day after

MY GRANDFATHER WAS A BIT DEAF

My Grandfather was a bit deaf
He couldn’t hear with clarity
When Neville Chamberlain
Declared our common enemy
He thought that England had
Declared war on Jeremy

SENTIMENTALITY

The man lived with a wife
Who was overly sentimental
And after many years of marriage
It finally sent him mental

MY YOUNG SON JUSTIN WAS KNOCKED OUT

My young son Justin was knocked out
Of the latest school’s spelling bee bout
Armageddon was the word that did it
But hey it’s not the end of the world is it

ARE YOU WEARING MORMON GARMENTS?

Are you wearing Mormon garments?
The ones like cool white milk
Are they supposed to be sacred?
Or something of that ilk
Or to preserve your modesty
In sensual soft shimmering silk

ALL ABOUT RACIST SEAFOOD

I saw something shocking
On one of those nature programs
All about racist seafood
They were the Ku Klux Clams

THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

The grass is not greener on the other side
Of the fence, that’s what they tell me
But, what if they’re wrong about that
And you never actually take a look and see

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY

I always wanted to be somebody,
Which proved to be impolitic
Because I realize that maybe
I should have been more specific.

DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC, INSOMNIAC

Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac
His traits were a catalogue
And he stayed up all night
Deciding if there really is a dog

A Little Bit Of Humour # 118

WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride

WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN

When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 368

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
He goes to the doctor without hesitation
And four hours later has a penis extension

ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 3

Are you wearing odd socks?
Well it’s not quirky or hipster
And I don’t think it was your intent
I think you must have dementia

THE PLURAL OF FOOT

So if it is correct that
The plural of foot is feet
Then why is the plural of boot,
Boots and not beet

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 2

It is a sad fact of life that if
There is a worse time, when
Something can go wrong
Of course it will happen then

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 2

If clergymen can be defrocked
Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed
Or must songwriters be de-composed
And hair stylists get dis-tressed?

WHEN THE PRINCESS FOUND THE FROG

When the princess found the frog
And the kiss was firmly planted
The prince turned out to be gay
And the Princess was disenchanted

BIMBETTE IS NOT THE BRIGHTEST

Bimbette is not the brightest
And living with her is very hard
In fact she’s the reason
The gene pool needs a lifeguard

I MADE MY GIRL BIMBETTE

I made my girl Bimbette
Really laugh on Saturday
The only problem is I told
Her the joke on Wednesday

MEN LIKE LOGIC AND SEX

Men like logic and sex
In fact they really like it
But sex better than logic
Though I can't prove it

PUT DOWN # 59

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “you are the sun and the moon”
Simply don’t be taken in by it
And just say “I may love to shop
But I'm not buying your bullshit”

BIMBETTE SAYS SHE CAN COUNT TO SEVENTY

Bimbette says she can count to seventy
But I think that’s very doubtful
Because in my experience she always
Finds sixty nine a bit of a mouthful

SOME PEOPLE ARE UP BEAT

Some people are up beat
And see life as a positive
But I was born to be a pessimist
Even my blood type is B Negative

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 1

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says that my first passport
Was written on a scroll

A Little Bit Of Humour # 117

WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride

TO A GARDENER

To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear

ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 2

Are you wearing odd socks?
I suppose the look is a bit hipster
But honestly at your age, you are
Meat and drink for a quipster

THE PLURAL OF TOOTH

So if it is correct that
The plural of tooth is teeth
Then why isn’t the plural
Of booth, beeth

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1

It is a sad fact of life that if
Several things can go to cock,
The one to be befall you
Will cause the most shock

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 1

If clergymen can be defrocked
And lawyers be disbarred
Then that must mean that
Tree surgeons can be debarked

MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD

My brother in law is from Stratford
He went to Shakespeare's school
No of course he didn’t know him
He was in the year above you fool

THE EXITED STATES OF AMERICA

The exited states of America
Have an upcoming election
And a Trump victory will make
The united states of aggression

A CONFUSED SPERM ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS

A confused sperm asked for directions
Not really a masculine trait
But he asked and was told
Oh I wouldn’t start from here mate

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 2

That's political correctness that is
When my little neighbour Allen
A short ass with a chip on his shoulder
Is actually vertically challenged

MY WIFE DROVE HER FIRST HUSBAND

My wife drove her first husband
To shoot himself in despair
But she only drove her second
To the bottom of a bottle to be fair

PUT DOWN # 60

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him unless he persists then say
“How many times do I have to flush
Before you go away?”

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, ACCORDING TO THE SONG

Suicide is painless, according to the song
I think it’s supposed to be a witticism
But I have always thought of suicide
As the most sincere form of self-criticism

MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE

My brother and I are chalk and cheese
As hard as I try we just don’t fit
i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign
He has an urge to relieve himself on it

WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN

When a ninety two year old man
Married his eighteen year old bride
She had a blush on her cheeks

And after the wedding breakfast
She was presented with the presents
And he was given two weeks

A Little Bit Of Humour # 116

WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide

A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED

A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 367

Mary had a little lamb
She couldn’t stop it bleating
So Mary snapped and the lamb
Made very good eating

ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 1

Are you wearing odd socks?
Well that’s quirky in the youth
And it’s quite nice to see, but
But on you they look stupid in truth

THE PLURAL OF GOOSE

So if it is correct that
The plural of goose is geese
Then why isn’t the plural
Of moose, meese

THE SEX WAS SO GOOD LAST NIGHT

The sex was so good last night
With my girlfriend Bimbette
That after it was over even
The neighbours had a cigarette.

I QUIT MY JOB AT THE REFINERY

I quit my job at the refinery
In the helium gas zone
It was a good job but I refused
To be spoken to in that tone

SHOTS WERE FIRED AT THE CHOIR

Shots were fired at the choir
Which has affected morale
The Arizona News called it
“Gunfight at the Ok Chorale”

PUT DOWN # 58

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he falters and flirts with you
He is only flattering to deceive
So ignore him, but if he persists ask
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 1

It is a sad fact of life that is
Something of a curse
Left to themselves things
Will go from bad to worse

THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS

The inventor of dental floss
Was honoured and hailed
When a piece of commemorative
Plaque was unveiled

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

The Guinness book of records
Have published an update
The world’s untidiest man has died
And his body is lying in a state

A CHICKEN AT THE MOVIES

A chicken at the movies
Made the whole theatre look
So the manager asked
“Why are you here chook?”
The chicken replied,
“Well, because I liked the book”

I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO EXERCISE

I have been told to exercise
But I am deliberately refraining
As refusing to go to the gym
Counts as resistance training

HOSPITALITY IS AN ART FORM

Hospitality is an art form
Making your guests feel
Like they're actually at home,
While wishing they were for real

Victoria Wood RIP

VICTORIA WOOD 1953-2016

I’ve always thought
The word overused
But Victoria Wood
Really was a genius.
But there is darkness
Where once a light shone
The bright light
Of an enduring star
Which is now extinguished.
But not in our hearts
For there she burns still
As her laughter always will


VICTORIA WOOD A TRUE TALENT

If I have to pick just one Gem
From her creative canon
Then “The Ballad of Barry and Freda”
Would have to be the one
The pace and delivery of wit
Hits you like a comic volley
Like “Bend me over backwards
On me Hostess trolley”
Great Humour filled lines
Delivered oh so sleekly
Like “Beat me on the bottom
With a Woman’s weekly”
Or “Come and melt the buttons
On me flameproof nightie”
I can picture her singing it
To St P and God almighty

A Little Bit Of Humour # 115

TO A GARDENER

To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear

WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride

WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN

When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error

THE SIMPLE RED ROSE WAS ONCE

The simple red rose was once
The emblem of the English
But alas it has been replaced
In England by the satellite dish

WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride

BONSAI GRANDAD

My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller

THE MELONS ARE HAVING A BIG WEDDING

The Melons are having a big wedding
“Hello magazine” have the scoop
However they don’t really want
A big affair but they cantaloupe

WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride

THE MOST POPULAR NUDISTS

The most popular man in a nudist colony
Can carry 2 large coffees and twelve donuts
The most popular woman in a nudist colony
Is the one who can eat the last two donuts

THE WAY TO GARDEN EFFECTIVELY

To garden effectively, firstly, put on a hat
But be very careful, and choose the right one
Straw preferably, and it should have a
Wide brim to protect you from the sun
Some old clothes, but nothing too scruffy
It should be a stylish yet practical rig
And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink
In the other, tell somebody else where to dig

A Little Bit Of Humour # 114

WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide

THERE IS AN OWL OF LOW MORALS

There is an Owl of low morals
That frequents our park
And subsequently it doesn’t
Give a hoot after dark

A ROYAL WARRANT

In order for a Baker to get
A Royal warrant, it is said
They need to be like many
Royals and be inter-bred

THE BORDER AGENCY ARE STRUGGLING

The border agency are struggling
To prevent mosquitos from getting in
They’re very cunning creatures
Who all claim to be Asylum Zika’s

OUR NEIGHBOURS ARE ORGANIC DAIRY FARMERS

Our neighbours are organic dairy farmers
With special diets and all that ilk
N’owt good ever came of pampering cows
And all you’ll ever get is spoilt milk

NOBEL PRIZE’S

They give Nobel Prize’s for anything now
And the latest recipient has been revealed
The winner is a scarecrow of all things
Mind you he is outstanding in his field

IT RAINS IN ENGLAND

England has a reputation for being wet
And it’s a well-deserved one I fear
And the simple reason for that is that
The Queen has reigned so many years

IN THE VEGETABLE WORLD

In the vegetable world, the posh potatoes
Never listen to football on the radio
There is nothing they dislike greater
Than the sound of a Common-tater

A DOCTOR POINTED OUT

A Doctor pointed out a piece of lettuce
That protruded from the patient’s ear
And added that it might be serious
As it could be the tip of the iceberg

AMONG ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN

Among abominable snowmen
There is a virgin called Betty
And to all her kith and kin
She is known as a not Yeti

WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride

A Little Bit Of Humour # 113

GARDENING RULE

If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed

SHEER EXTRAVAGANCE

A husband pays five hundred pounds
To get his wife a sheer negligée
So she thought she should pose for him
As it was a lot of money to pay
But decided to pretend to wear the item
And then next day get a refund on it
He looked on wide eyed and said
“For the price they could have ironed it”

WHY DID THE PHILANDERER CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the philanderer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride

WE USED TO HAVE AN OWL

We used to have an Owl
He was really cute
But he had low self esteem
So didn’t give a hoot

A TODDLER STARTS CHEWING ON A SLUG

A toddler starts chewing on a slug
As mum looks on and squirms
But she asked what it tasted like
And the toddler replied "Worms"

A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED

A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows

A MAN WAS LEFT MENTALLY SCARRED

A man was left mentally scarred
After swinging from trees in his yard
When a branch snagged on his leotard
So he was hoisted on his own petard

I’M A REALLY RUBBISH GARDENER

I’m a really rubbish gardener
I find it all a bit of a chore
If only I was better outside
At simple horticulture
And grow stuff in the garden
Like I do in the refrigerator

WHY DID THE VOYEUR CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the voyeur cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide

NEVER LOSE YOUR HEART TO A TENNIS PLAYER

Never lose your heart to a tennis player
And that goes for women and men
But it’s not that they are bad people
It’s just that love means nothing to them

BREAK A LEG

Telling actors to "Break a leg"
Is a tradition from long past
And the reason for it is this
Actors like to be in a good cast

WEEDS AND FLOWERS

The difference between
Weeds and flowers
Is without a doubt
That the garden weeds
Are the most difficult
By far to pull out

FATHERS DAY PRAYER

All his life, she’d been
Likened to his Dad
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
He was asked
How are you different to your Dad?
He replied that he hoped
In as fewer ways as possible

MOTHERS DAY PRAYER

All her life, she’d been
Likened to her Mum
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
She was asked
How are you different to your Mum?
She replied that she hoped
In as fewer ways as possible

Various

GRAMPA’S DARKEST DAY

Darkness descended since
We lost our brightest light
Daddy carries you in his arms
In that tiny coffin gleaming white
Goodbye my precious little angel
I will see you in the sky tonight

JOYS OF A CHILDHOOD LOST

We virtually lived outside
Me and my friends
On long summer adventures
Until the days ends
But we wernt just
The fair weather sort
We played outside even
When days were short
Rolling around in piles
Of autumn leaves of gold
Splashing through puddles
Despite being told
Playing imaginary games
About being lost in the fog
running through the woods
Chasing the dog.
In winter when Saturday came
Then off we’d go
With luck we’d wake
To find a fresh fall of snow
Then we’d happily sledge
Across the snowy land
Or build a snowman
Till we can’t feel our hands
Hours pass in minutes
As we’d happily roam
But despite the cold
We didn’t rush to get home
When we did we crunched
Through the crisp winter frost
Those were the joys
Of a childhood lost

I WAS LITTLE MORE THAN A LAD

I was little more than a lad
And my hometown lay behind me
But I didn’t walk the road
As a lad for very long,
I quickly became a man
So I walked for many years
And for many miles
In country and in town
Working in the sweet smelling fields
And the foul odorous cities
But I wandered tall and proud
Now the road lead me home
And the path breathes life
Into my wistful heart

SUNDIAL

The sun burned bright
Its rays struck the sundial
And cast a shadow
Shown in sharp relief
From the gnomon
Upon the brass dial
And as the straight edge
Reaches three o’clock
It’s time to go

WHY DO WE NEVER LEARN?

Why do we never learn?
We look back at past mistakes
And yet we do the same again
We view history
Without learning the lessons
Time and time again
But every time
History repeats itself
The price goes up

WE LOVE YOU STREET ANGELS

They are a constant about the place
They are the friendly face
Revellers stop on their merry way
And invariably they will say
As they lean at precarious angles
"We love you strangles"

THE STREET ANGELS HAVE TROD THE PATH

The Street Angels have trod the path
For Five years on Woking’s streets
Armed only with Gods light
And their calming influence
They are Not preachers of the word
Nor are they there to evangelise
They are the doers of deeds
The holders of hands
And the wipers of tears
They are a friendly face in the dark
Or a soothing word in the confusion
A conduit to common sense
The Angels do not judge
Nor are they there to chastise
Angels listen with sympathetic ears
And speak in a voice of pleasant reason
They give up their time
For the lost and the vulnerable
And the over enthusiastic revellers
Until the last club closes.
The Street Angels
Do not police the streets
But they do tread the path
And they are part of the peace

A Little Bit Of Humour # 112

THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE DROPPING

The Russian Airforce are dropping
Amazon bombs on Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour

FOGHORN LEGHORN LEFT

Foghorn Leghorn left
The basketball court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard
The ref blew a foul

ROYAL ETIQUETTE

If you can’t turn your back
On her majesty
How can the royal chauffeur
Drive her safely

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED

You know you have reached
The end of your childhood
When knock down ginger is bad
And afternoon naps are good

SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW

Sit down in the meadow
And we will bill and coo
We will choose a perfect spot
But please be careful do
Oh dear that was thoughtless
I did suggest you take care
It was rather ill considered
For you to sit down there
As if you lift your buttock up
You’ll see you squashed
A perfect patch of buttercup

THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE

The simple definition of marriage
I think you should understand
Is that one person is always right
And the other one is the husband

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?

Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
Yes I know it’s like the rescue dog
But you know that the St Bernard
Doesn’t drink all of the grog

I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY

I’ve been working really hard lately
But I’ve got a day off today
It was nice not having to get up early
And have a snooze day Tuesday

THE PREDATORY MALE

The predatory male
As he hunts amidst the herds
Is only offended
By two four letter words.
The first one being “don't”
And “stop” being the other
And both words bring a halt
To his particular pleasure
Unless of course
They are used together

HE WAS A REAL JACK THE LAD

He was a real Jack the Lad
All flash and brash,
Living it large
And always splashing the cash
You might well be temped
But I advise nothing rash
If he tries it on give him the slip
And make a dash

ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?

Are you wearing leggings?
That are baggy 'round the knees
As I can’t see them for myself
Can I have more details please?

I TOLD MY DAD

I told my dad “I want to be
A fortune teller init”
He said “Don’t be daft son
There’s no future in it”

I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL

I got a job at the carnival and
The hall of mirror was my selection
But it wasn’t what I thought
And it was a bad choice on reflection

FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS THROWN

Foghorn Leghorn was thrown
Off the court
As the crowd began to howl
And he would never again
Be a referee
All because he blew a fowl

DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS

Donations to Sperm Banks
In the UK are in decline
Because most people today
Do their banking on line

FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID

Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid
Her eggs in the winter or fall
But that made sense, as she was
No Spring Chicken after all

TA TA TOGMEISTER

I woke up with Wogan,
With 8 million others
I even contributed in a small way
Like many sisters and brothers

And when he was usurped
By the upstart Evans
Anton Deck and I
Shook a fist to the heavens

When I woke to the news
Of the Togmeisters demise
A lump filled my throat
And tears filled my eyes

With his warm easy manner
Friendly, witty and clever
He has a new audience now
And I will be a TOG forever

A Little Bit Of Humour # 111

EASTER PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events

ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”

THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2

The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop

HAVING + 1 CHANNELS

If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone

WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING

When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs

AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY

At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside

PICKUP # 16

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"

ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS

Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild

FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD

Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing

AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB

An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup

I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD

I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast

WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM

We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport

I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM

I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far

A Little Bit Of Humour # 110

ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”

FOGHORN LEGHORN WENT TO TOWN

Foghorn Leghorn went to town
On the bus with the other day trippers
But not to sight see, he went to KFC
Because of the chicken strippers

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT

The only good thing about
The advent of another Wimbledon
Is that it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season

PICKUP # 15

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During a night out
Just say to any girl you meet
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone
Said you were looking for me”

THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 1

The president of Chess Club
Was rushed into moving his pawn
When he heard his mum planned
To search his bedroom at dawn

IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize
Was very highly sought after
For it allowed the winner to pass
On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper

MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME

“My husband makes love to me
Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”
She boasted to her peers
“So it’s once every four year”

SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL BE A MALE STRIPPER

Sometimes I think I’ll be a male stripper
Be bold and take a chance
But then I remember I’m really fat
And I can’t actually dance

THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE FIRING

The Russian Airforce are firing
Amazon missiles at Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour

ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?

Are you wearing beer goggles?
That’s a definite I reckon
Because I look like Iain Dowie
But you see David Beckham

MY SON WAS A MASTER EASTER EGG HUNTER

My son was a master Easter Egg Hunter
From the time he was a few years old
And had it become an Olympic event,
He would have easily have won the Gold

ONE DAY IN A FAR MORE CARING WORLD

One day in a far more caring world
Every chicken that ever lives
Will be able to cross the road without
Being judged on their motives

EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME

Every child will at some time
Threaten to run away
And that hope keeps parents
Going day to day

SHE WENT TO THE DOCTORS WITH A LETTUCE LEAF

She went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf
Poking out of her knickers which was quite absurd
And it looked a really nasty sight in truth
But it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg