A Little Bit Of Humour # 122

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 372

Star light, star bright,
The first star I saw tonight
Was truly an epic fail
It was a z-lister from Emmerdale

THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE

If in your home sweet home
You find a solitary mouse
Then it is perfectly acceptable
To call it a house mouse
But if in your home sweet home
You find that you have mice
Then it is quite unacceptable
To refer to them as hice mice

THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE

The waitress asked “Do you have
Any questions about the menu?”
My brother in law replied
“Is this font courier new?”

THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE

There is a simple truth in life
And it’s an honest admission
It is much easier to apologize
Than it is to ask permission

I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED

I have always believed
That it’s quite absurd
That “abbreviation”
Is such a long word

THE SMELL OF BOOKS

I think that the people who say they
Love the smell of books are jerks
Because it’s perfectly clearly they
Don’t know how reading books works

THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH PRESSURE

There is always so much pressure
To be with people on a holiday
But if there was only one
On which to go your own way
Then that one would of course be
On Independence Day

FORTUNE COOKIE

When you’ve finished your dinner
A fortune cookie would suit yer
But if there is no fortune in it
That means you don’t have a future

THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY

The inventor of the Allen key
Made nothing off it
Despite the fact that
It certainly turned a profit

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2

If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then a solo is a lonesome

I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY

I visit my grandad regularly
Even though he’s a little daft
He has the windows open when
He makes me play draughts

APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD

Apparently a good compost heap should
Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,
But not so hot it would cook a lobster
Well poached or not I am not eating it

MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER

My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time

I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK

I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2

Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy deadlock