Showing posts with label New Year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Year. Show all posts

Thursday 2 November 2023

Uncanny Tales – (072) An Unconventional New Year

 

On the morning after New Years Eve, following an unexpected, but nonetheless extraordinarily passionate sexual encounter, Mark Pilley woke about midmorning to find Shirley Merrison under the duvet performing toe curling fellatio on him.

Under the circumstances there was only one thing he could do which was to join her under the covers and return the favour.

The result of this mutually generous act was that they didn’t arrive downstairs until lunchtime.

 

However, although they were both late on parade, they would not have considered themselves in anyway slovenly, they were at least showered, though admittedly not dressed.

So, they ate lunch rather decadently in bath robes and to be perfectly honest were both looking forward to spending the afternoon in a similar vein to the morning.

 

Now this was probably not an unusual state of affairs and was probably repeated up and down the country, however what was unusual in this case was that Shirley was Mark’s stepmother.  

Wednesday 9 August 2023

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 3

 

I was divorced from my wife

Due to my serial infidelity

And found myself in bed

With a girl called Felicity

It was on New Year’s Day

When she asked me

“Did you make a resolution?

What was it? Go on tell me”

I replied “Not to be unfaithful

Ever again to my chosen mate”

“How’s that going?” she asked 

“Ask me after our second date”

NEW YEARS IS JUST AN EXCUSE

 

New Years is just an excuse

For girls to dress inappropriately

And that’s why New Years

Is the best holiday for me

MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

 

My New Year’s resolution

And my reasoning is sound

And that is to get in shape,

In the end, I chose round

THIS YEAR I’M GOING TO STAY UP

This year I’m going to stay up

On New Year’s Eve

Not to see in 2021

But to make sure 2020 leaves

I REMEMBER THE TIME IN MY YOUTH

I remember the time in my youth

When I was allowed to stay up late

On New Year’s Eve and I was thrilled

But now on that ominous date

As I have reached middle age

Being forced to participate is my fate 

NEW YEAR’S EVE FANCY DRESS

 

My friend asked me

What I was going to be

For New Year’s Eve

I said “Drunk will do me”

Tuesday 8 August 2023

RATHER THAN MAKE A POINTLESS RESOLUTIONS

 

Rather than make a pointless resolutions

I will make a wish for those I hold dear

May you always have all that you need

And want all you have, Happy New Year!

A LITTLE GIRL’S WARNING

 

A little girl watched her dad dress for a party.

And then she gave her dad a warning

“Daddy, you shouldn't wear that dinner suit”

He asked, “why not?” his curiosity dawning

“Because you know that it always gives

You a bad headache the next morning”

TRANSYLVANIA NEW YEAR

 

On New Year's Eve

At the appropriate time

The vampires sing

Auld Fang Syne

IF YOU WERE BORN IN LATE SEPTEMBER

 

If you were born in late September,

The bells should definitely start to clang

As it’s pretty safe to assume that your folks

Started out the New Year with a Bang

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION THIS YEAR

 

My New Year's resolution this year

Is hopefully an antidote to future resolutions

And to rid myself of the annual angst

I have come up with a simple solution

Which is to stop hanging out with people

Who ask me for my New Year's resolutions

NEW YEAR’S EVE IS ONE OF THE FEW

 

New Year’s Eve is one of the few

Acceptable times to wear body glitter

When you have a reasonable expectation

Of not being mistaken for a stripper

MY ONLY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

My only New Year's resolution

Is to be more optimistic next year

By keeping my cup half-full

With either vodka, whiskey or beer 

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ARE SOMETHING

 

New Year's resolutions are something

That go over the head of my brother

He just doesn’t seem to grasp their import

So they go in one year and out the other

Sunday 1 January 2023

I HATE JANUARY

 

I hate January

January, I do not enjoy

It has no pleasure

It has no joy

 

Christmas is over

All the money has gone

5 weeks till payday

January is wrong

 

I love December

December has it all

December is the time

To have a ball

 

In fact December

Has to much fun

And not enough time

To get it all done

 

The Festivities

Leave us in a daze

There is too much

For 31 days

 

So, the solution

Is a simple one

I can’t believe

It hasn’t been done

 

Get rid of January

No one likes it

Have two Decembers

Then everything will fit

Saturday 31 December 2022

JANUARY BLUES

 

I hate the month of January

Every single day from New Year’s day

To the 31st day

I hate the month of January

With every fibre of my being

You may say it’s just the January blues

That colours my views        

But it’s much deeper than that.

It’s always such a long depressing month

With dreary weather and miserable people

It’s the inevitable aftermath

That follows a joyful Christmas

It’s going back to work to the same depressing job

You so happily left behind you on Christmas Eve

It’s the empty bank account

And the look ahead at the five long weeks till payday

Its New Year’s resolutions and not keeping them

I hate the month of January

From day one, New Year’s Day

With its reminder of things to come

Another bloody awful year ahead

January fills me with dread

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 1

 

I was separated from my wife

Due to my serial infidelity

And found myself in bed again

With her best friend Felicity

It was on New Year’s Day

And Felicity asked me

“Did you make a resolution?

What was it? Go on tell me”

I replied “Not to be unfaithful

Ever again to my wife Pru”

As she climbed onto me, she asked

“How’s that working out for you?”

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2

 

I made a New Year’s resolution

To stop having one-night stands

Which would be easier to do

If second dates were in my plans

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

 

If you have decided

You are overweight

And a diet is the solution

If you have decided

This should be

Your New Year’s resolution

Just listen to these facts

For just a moment

And then digest the information

 

Of all the people in Britain

There are more overweight people

Than there are average weight people

So overweight people

Are now the new average weight people

So, job done, you have reached your target

You are no longer overweight

You have kept your New Year’s resolution

Have a cake to celebrate