A Little Bit Of Humour # 162

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (8)

Dad said “I’m going to Thailand"
I replied to him "To Bangkok?"
He thought for a moment, then said
"Oh no I certainly hope not”

THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR

Called the Hundred Years War
I was understandably misled
Because the war really lasted
A hundred and sixteen instead

BE MY VALENTINE # 1

On Valentine’s Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 1

The old saying goes that “A volunteer
Is worth Ten pressed men”
Well volunteers are all well and good
But a pressed man looks really sharp

MY BROTHER IS A PESSIMIST # 2

My brother is a pessimist
With all his nay-saying
And a glass half full guy
With his catastrophising

I’M A VERY COURAGEOUS GOLFER

I’m a very courageous Golfer,
At least in my view
Because it takes a lot of balls
To Golf the way, I do

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN BLACK?

Could Jesus have been Black?
Maybe, its true he liked Gospel
He called everyone brother
And He didn't get a fair trial

MARITAL RELATIONS

A post argument couple
Drove down a country lane
For quite a few miles,
Choosing not to speak again
Until they drove past a farm
When he said, “Relatives of yours?”
Referring to the pigs in a field
“Oh yes,” she replied, “in-laws”

MY GREAT UNCLE IS A SCIENTIST

My Great Uncle is a scientist
As well as a keen horticulturist
Which is quite evident to see
As he’s growing a chemistree

CWTCH

There is a general misunderstanding
That a cuddle is the same everywhere
Well allow me to clear up the muddle
Anyone can indeed hug, that’s true
But only the Welsh can cwtch, and
They’re so much better than a cuddle

IS IT PANCAKE DAY ALREADY?

Is it Pancake Day
Already? Oh dear
It’s really crêped up
On me this year

THEY HAD A ROCK AND ROLL NIGHT

They had a rock and roll night
At the care home, all very droll
It was a quite sedentary evening
And was more like Crock and Roll

A Little Bit Of Humour # 138

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 13

It wasn’t a pea in her bed that kept her awake
It was something of a very different genus
The reason for her exhaustion each morning
Was as a result of the Princess and a penis

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 8

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a bore
He said “Oops! Does anyone know if a patient
Has ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

WHEN WE WERE KIDS IN THE AUTUMN

When we were kids in the autumn
My brother would hide from view
Beneath a pile of fresh fallen leaves
But hey that was Russell for you

MY GIRLFRIEND WORKS IN A CHINESE KITCHEN

My girlfriend works in a Chinese kitchen
And the sauces she must skilfully render
Which is quite ironic really when you hear
The way the chef pronounces Brenda

WE COULD SEE A GROUP OF HIPPIES

We could see a group of hippies drowning
I said “we should try to save them if we can”
My wife was thoughtful for a moment before
She replied “No I think they’re too far out man”

AN ELDERLY FEMALE DRIVER WAS SEEN BY POLICE

An elderly female driver was seen by police
Driving on the motorway very dangerously
She was knitting a jumper while at the wheel
The police told her to Pullover immediately

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 2

Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
But thankfully two out of three
Wait until they get home instead

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CAVEMEN

Teenagers are like Cavemen
With their inappropriate rubbing
Personal hygiene, table manners
And their penchant for clubbing

A WORLD RENOWNED SCIENTIST

A world renowned scientist
Decided that he would utilize
A beautiful knocker on his door
And he won the No Bell prize

WHEN THEY ARE STEPPED ON

When they are stepped on
Their behaviour is quite benign
The Grapes never say a word
But they do give a little whine

A Little Bit Of Humour # 137

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 12

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips
Were very stimulating for Hansel
Because once deep in the woods
He got a hand job from Gretel

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 7

I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard an exchange
Of converse between the attending clinicians
“What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?”

THE YOUNG CALLOW MAN DID TRULY PINE

The young callow man did truly pine
And hoped someone would introduce
Him to the rich lumberman's daughter
So he made sure he looked spruce

THE MOST OBEDIENT INANIMATE OBJECTS

The most obedient inanimate objects
Are Bells, if I may make so bold
And the reason for that is They make
A noise whenever they are tolled

THERE IS A PARTICULAR HERB

There is a particular herb
That by reason and rhyme
Is most injurious to a lady's
beauty and that is Thyme

I WAS TOLD SOMETHING INTERESTING

I was told something interesting
By the RSPCA Man
He said Dogs can’t have an MRI
But explained that CatsCan

AUTOMATED CONCEIT

The guy was so conceited that when
He stood in the cubicle with nothing on
And his automatic shower came to life
He thought his nakedness had turned it on

I PLUG IN MY IPHONE CHARGER

I plug in my iPhone charger
To give the battery a boost
Just to top it up to maximum
With what I call Apple Juice

MY WIFE SAYS I CAN’T MULTITASK

My wife says I can’t multitask
But she is in error it seems to me
As I can waste time, be unproductive,
And procrastinate simultaneously

I WENT TO THE UKRAINE

I went to the Ukraine
With my girlfriend Bev
And I ate a Chicken Kiev
With my chick in Kiev

A Little Bit Of Humour # 136

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 11

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips
Were always exceedingly fruitful
Because once deep in the woods
They became Handsy and Grateful

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 6

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped a scalpel he said
“Sterile, shcmerile. the floor's clean, really”

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAMERA

The difference between a camera
And a bad case of influenza
Is that one makes facsimiles
And the other makes sick families

I WILL DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN

I will differentiate between, if I can,
A tube and a foolish Dutchman
Ah yes, one is a hollow cylinder
And the other is a silly Hollander

THE GREATEST SHAKESPEARIAN VILLAIN

The greatest Shakespearian villain,
Who would make a demon scowl,
Was Macbeth the chicken-killer,
Because he did murder most foul

MY SISTER ELLEN

My sister Ellen
Married beneath her
But then she is
Six feet tall to be fare

JOHN IS A VERY UNLUCKY LOVER

John is a very unlucky lover
Unlike James, his twin brother
As John always misses the kisses
While James kisses the misses

AVOID DATING PRETTY MEN, NO MATTER

Avoid dating pretty men, no matter
How much they illuminate the gloom
Because the pretty men are all like
Cheap fireworks, they go off too soon

A YOUNG MAN STOLE A KISS FROM HER LIPS

A young man stole a kiss from her lips
And to his surprise she didn’t have a fit
Instead she smiled and said to him
“Just put that back from where you took it”

POULTRY FARMERS WHO KEEP

Poultry farmers who keep
Battery chickens are fiends
Because they earn their
Immoral living by fowl means

A Little Bit Of Humour # 135

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 384

The old lady who lived in a shoe
Was forced into the sex trade
And moved into a thigh high
Stiletto Boot on what she made

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 10

Tinderfella went to the dance
Looking for a little romance
But in the end he didnt find her
Because they were all on grindr

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 5

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeons were a couple of arses
One of them said to the other “I bet now
You wish you hadn't forgotten your glasses.”

MY COUSIN IS AN ORTHODONTIST

My cousin is an orthodontist
In the American deep south
I don’t think he’s happy, as he
Always looks down in the mouth

THE MOST MIRACULOUS ANIMAL

The most miraculous animal
In the farm-yard, I am assured
Is the humble pig and that’s because
It is killed and then cured

WHEN IS A LOVER LIKE A TAILOR

When is a lover like a tailor?
Surely that point is moot
The answer simply has to be
When he presses his suit

A WOMAN, HAVING BURIED HER

A woman, having buried her
Philandering husband Dwight,
Said she had one consolation,
She knew where he was at night

AVOID MARRYING A GIRL CALLED ANN

Avoid marrying a girl called Ann
With every fibre and particle
Because if you marry her
She will be an indefinite article

A WOMAN’S FAVOURITE WORD

A woman’s favourite word
When all said and done
Doesn’t have to be special
It just has to be the last one

WHEN ACTOR FOGHORN LEGHORN

When actor Foghorn Leghorn
Retired to a farm near Leyton
Named his favourite he “Macduff”
Because he wanted her to lay on

A Little Bit Of Humour # 134

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 383

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
When he got a telephone call
“Hump Me Dumpty” Bo said
And he fainted and fell off the wall

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 9

New mattresses were ordered
For the bed of Princess Kayleigh
As they were changing the beds
For The Princess And The Pee

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 4

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeon thought he was a riot
He held up the x-ray and said “Wait a minute,
If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?”

THE LORD AND GENTLEMAN OF THE HOUSE

The Lord and gentleman of the house
Eloped with the under cook, Elaine
But his wife was quite sanguine, because
She could have the maid to herself again

CHEMISTS AND ALCHEMISTS

Chemists and alchemists
Are both of feminine gender
Because one is a Charlotte Ann
And the other is an Ann Eliza

LIFE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

Life is short, a four letter word
It’s quite absurd, and here’s why
It’s because half of it is just an 'if
And three quarters of it is a 'lie'

LIP-SALVE

Lip-salve is a very useful product
But it’s not a good chaperon, in anyway
Even though it lives up to its boast
Of always keeping the chaps away

FOR MANY YEARS HE HADN’T DONE MUCH

For many years he hadn’t done much
In the way of work at all
Not that he was physically incapable
He just worked at county hall

IT WILL NORMALLY INVOKE A SENSE OF SHAME

It will normally invoke a sense of shame
When a young lady to loses her good name
However her position is not an untenable one
When a young man gives her a better one

NICOLA STURGEON, THE SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER

Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish First Minister
Says she want’s independence from Westminster
But it’s illogical, she’s just flexing her muscles
As Scotland will become dependent on Brussels

A Little Bit Of Humour # 133

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 382

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
He didn’t see her coming at all
“Hump Me and Dump Me” She yelled
And pushed him off the wall

HE WAS AN ASPIRING NOVELIST

He was an aspiring novelist
And an uncomplicated fella
Who wrote in the basement
Clearly hoping for a best cellar

I BOUGHT A SECOND HAND PHONE

I bought a second hand phone
From a guy in Germany
I just had to delete his contacts
And now it's Hans free

ELEVATED SHOE

My latest girlfriend
Wears an elevated shoe
Just on one foot though
But, that’s Eileen for you

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 8

Fumble Lina, Fumble Lina sexy little thing
Fumble Lina prance, Fumble Lina swing
Fumble Lina all I do is give a whistle or give a call
And because you’re so full of lust you let me have it all

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 3

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped my notes he said
“Don’t lose them, we may need them at autopsy”

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WASN’T ALLOWED

William Shakespeare wasn’t allowed
To drink in his local hostelry
And the reason for that was because
He had been Bard obviously

KERMIT THE FROG’S CAR

Kermit the Frog’s car
Broke down one day
So he phoned the AA
And it got Toad away

WHEN ANNE BOLEYN WAS UNDRESSED

When Anne Boleyn was undressed
It was observed when they viewed her
That she was covered in tooth marks
Because of her husband Henry Tudor

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 1

Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
One in three chavs are conceived
In the stores toilets instead

A Little Bit Of Humour # 132

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 9

My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says my first driving license
Was probably written in Latin

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 7

“You'll never guess my name”
Taunted Rumpelstiltskin.
“I know” she said “but that’s because
Of the Gimp Mask you’re wearing”

THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY

The Thanksgiving Turkey
Risked being stricken
When he crossed the road
To prove he wasn't chicken!

MY SISTER BROKE UP WITH HER MR RIGHT

My sister broke up with her Mr Right
After only a few days,
Because it turned out
That his first name was always

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”
He said as I was lying there in my gown

I PHONED THE DENTIST IN SOME DISTRESS

I phoned the dentist in some distress
And I had to get a bit shirty
The receptionist finally booked me
An appointment at Tooth Hurty.

STEP BROTHER

When I got home from work
My brother came into view
He was laying on the doorstep
But hey that’s Matt for you

SOMEBODY TRASHED THE BIKE

Somebody trashed the bike
Of the school bully, Michael
It was after an anti-bullying lecture
Entitled “let’s break the cycle”

I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION

I heard a very apt description
Of Gardening the other day
It suggested that Gardening was
Grown-ups going outside to play

SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT

Some people are down beat
And see life as a negative
But I was born to be an optimist
Even my blood type is B Positive

A Little Bit Of Humour # 131

HALLOWEEN PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Halloween season
Just say to any girl you meet
“If you let me show you a trick
I can promise you’ll get a treat”

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 8

My son jokes about my age
Especially in front of his mates
He says that when I was at school
We had to write on slates

EVERYONE WANTS CANDY ON HALLOWEEN

Everyone wants Candy on Halloween
As they march on their trick or treat patrol
But the only Candy that interests me
Will be swinging on a silver pole

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 381

Jack and Jill went up the hill
But not for a pale of water
Because they went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t oughta

REMEMBER THE FIFTH

Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6

She was drinking in the forest
But she didn't want Tango to sup,
That wasn’t for Snow White,
She much preferred her 7up

IT HAPPENS EVERY HALLOWEEN

It happens every Halloween when
Enthusiastic revellers frequent
Accident and Emergency, where
Clinicians call it trick or treatment

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”
He said as I was lying there in my gown

I DON’T BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND DEMONS

I don’t believe in spooks and demons
I think that should be understood
But there are always more trick-or-treaters
Than there are kids in the neighborhood

IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE THEIR OWN REFLECTION

If vampires can’t see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That’s shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage?
To keep their hair tidy?

A Little Bit Of Humour # 130

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 7

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says my first driving license
Was written on a scroll

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And at the summit
Jack does Jill

I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION

I have often wanted to ask the question
Which has always gone unspoken
Why, when my wife gets ready, does she
Put on mascara with her mouth open

WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET

When I checked labels at the supermarket
I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen
As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring
And washing up liquid is made with real lemons

I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE

I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness
Is something to which I have no objections
But it seems pointless, to sterilise needles
That are to be used for lethal injections

A PENNY’S WORTH

Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in”
Means that you took your chance to speak
But you only get a “penny for your thoughts”
Which I have always thought a bit of a cheek
I don’t understand the disparity in the values
Why is it cheaper to think than it is to speak?

I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON

I travel on the train to Wimbledon
It’s the best station by far for me
As you can change for the Overground
Underground and Wombleing free

I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER

I think that their name is an misnomer
If the Borrowers never return anything.
In fact I would go as far to say they’re
Little more than a criminal enterprise ring

WHY DID THE BROKEN CLOCK

Why did the broken clock
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop

IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT

If JM Barrie had written smut
About all the titillation and joys
His classic tale would have been
Peter Porn and The Lust Boys

MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST

My father in law is a Physicist
Who is oblivious to culinary tips
He is too focussed on his work
So he lives on Fission chips

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5

The classic tale of Goldilocks
Should never have included Bears
The Girl was gay so it was actually
Goldilocks and the Three Mares

A Little Bit Of Humour # 129

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 6

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379

Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4

He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4

Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on

WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?

Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”

THE LITTLE ENGINE

The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.

TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”

AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY

At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg

I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER

I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME

When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had

G-SPOT

There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able

A Little Bit Of Humour # 128

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 2

I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake feeling brighter
I just wish it would remember me
When I was Three stone lighter

FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE PLAYGROUND

Foghorn Leghorn crossed the playground
But not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was just to get to the other slide

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 3

Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so fleet
But because I dithered I don’t know
How to get to Sesame Street

WHY ARE EGGS PACKED IN CONTAINERS

Why are eggs packed in containers
That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen
But batteries are in plastic packs
You can only open with a laser beam

MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP

Mind the gap, mind the gap
Is not an announcement about safety
But is pointing out the difference
Between the timetable and reality

I HAD A FITTING WITH MY TAILOR

I had a fitting with my tailor and
All the measurements were wrong
I should really have known better
After all his name is Wei Tu Long

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 5

My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says that my first passport
Was probably written in Latin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 377

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
And that’s because she’s
A short sighted farmer

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 3

Babes in the wood
And their escapades
Is now a porn film,
Wood in the Babes

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 3

Disney have got into porn
It became a financial reality
And of the films to be made
Is Beauty and the Bestiality

PTERODACTYL

None of the dinosaurs ever heard
The pterodactyl spend a penny
And the simple reason for that
Was because of the silent P

MY NEW TENNIS PARTNER

My new tennis partner
Always obstructs my view,
Stood in the middle of the court
But, that’s Annette for you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 127

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 376

Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
He’s the one in the muffin top

IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS

If the singular is this
And the plural is these,
Why isn’t the plural of kiss
Ever referred to as kese?

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 2

Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so brief
So because I dithered I can’t reply
To the question “where's the beef”

PUT DOWN # 62

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Did you just fall from heaven?”
Take a breath and pause for a bit
Then reply “Yes I fell from heaven
But then I landed on a soft shit?”

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 4

My son jokes about my age
He really keeps going on and on
He says that when I was at school
I was best friends with Nelson

WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the Lion cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was to get to the other pride

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 2

The sorcerer’s apprentice
Wasn’t there for tutorage
He was only interested in
The Sorcerer's Appendage

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 2

Disney have got into porn
Namely with the Brothers Grimm
It’s to be an ensemble piece
Entitled The Brother's Quim

PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON

Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon
As he disrupts the pirates shanties
But that’s not even his real name
He was baptized as Peter Panties

WHY DID THE ONE HANDED MAN

Why did the one handed man
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop

SEX TOY STORY

Her husband had a Woody
But that didn’t impress her
So she went and got Buzz
Out of the drawer in her dresser

ON MY BED AT HOME # 2

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m overweight
Which causes me great distress

A Little Bit Of Humour # 126

SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 2

So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular cat
Would in the plural
Be cats and never cose

FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER

For my poor deluded father
The men in white coats beaconed
He thought he was a chocolate orange
So now he’s been sectioned

I CAN’T COUNT TO TEN IN FRENCH

I can’t count to ten in French
It’s impossible for me
I can only count to seven
Because I have a huit allergy

JOLLY

To be politically correct
We must call fat people, jolly
And the really fat people
Have to be called morbidly jolly

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 1

I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake fresh at cock crow
I just wish it would remember me
As I was at least twenty years ago

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 1

Procrastination is the thief of time,
There’s no truer saying without a doubt
And as a result of my dithering
I still don’t know “who let the dogs out”

PUT DOWN # 61

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
So if you tire of unwanted attention
Just tell him you’re incompatible
and if he questions your remark
Say it’s because you’re not inflatable

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 3

My son jokes about my age
His humour is frankly, not
He says my first license
Was for driving a chariot

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378

Jack be Nimble,
Jack be quick,
But please don’t play
With your candle stick

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 1

Snow White thought
7-Up was just a drink
But meeting the dwarves
Caused her to rethink

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 1

Disney have got into porn
And the first film to be made
Is a remake of a classic
Renamed “The Little Sperm Maid”

ON MY BED AT HOME # 1

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m over sixty
Which causes me great distress

A Little Bit Of Humour # 125

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 375

Star light, star bright,
No I don’t want to tonight
If truth be told, alright
I think stargazing is shite

WHEN WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER

When we speak of a brother
We can also speak of brethren,
But although we say Mother,
I have never heard said, Methren

MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN

My uncle got caught stealing again
It’s an occupation hazard by and large
This time it was luxury toilet rolls
And he pleaded quilty to the charge

ON THE JOURNEY TO WORK

On the journey to work
I had a nightmare
But I woke up before I ran
Anyone down to be fair

THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ

The sign in the layby read
“No dumping” it was hard to miss
But luckily it didn’t apply to me
Because I only needed a piss

THERE WAS AN IRRITATING WHINING SOUND

There was an irritating whining sound
As I was driving to work today
I ignored it and drove on into town
To drop my wife off and then it was ok

DO YOU WANT TO SEE A NAKED HARPIST

“Do you want to see a naked harpist?”
I was asked and of course replied yes please
But I was told that I mustn’t touch the harp
Because of the risk of catching harpies

I ONCE WENT OUT WITH A HARPIST

I once went out with a harpist
Who played it naked, except for specs
She wasn’t very good but afterwards
We had No strings attached sex

I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS

I picked up a tray of Lamb chops
Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop
I refused to buy them on the basis
That I thought that was a bit racist

MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS

My neighbours are obnoxious, rude
And loud and they’re doing in my cranium
They are so intolerable that I finally
Know, what it must be like to be a Canadian

I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR

I got chatting on the Euro Star
And I really rather enjoyed it
First I made a Belgian waffle
And then a Frenchman talk shit

A Little Bit Of Humour # 124

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 374

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t’ve oughter
Now she has a dose of chlamydia
And Jack has trouble passing water

IF THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS

If the masculine pronouns
Are he, his and him
Why then is it the feminine
Are not she, shis and shim

THE OBESITY TIME BOMB

The media keep talking about
An obesity time bomb
Well I hope I’m nowhere nearby
When it goes off chum

THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF TALK LATELY

There’s been a lot of talk lately
In the media about blue on blue
But it shouldn’t be a surprise
Because that’s Smurf porn for you

LUXEMBOURG IS A MUCH SMALLER COUNTRY

Luxembourg is a much smaller country
But nonetheless in a tournament year
They share something with England
Which is their FIFA Ranking I fear

WE MUST REWRITE THE HISTORY BOOKS

We must rewrite the history books
King Tut was not really Egyptian
Dad was a Scot, his Mum Spanish
And he was named Tartan Carmen

A MAJOR FIRE CAUSED PANIC

A major fire caused panic
And was causing great harm
It was in the aroma candle factory
So things soon became calm

I REGULARLY DONATE BLOOD

I regularly donate blood
So I feel I’m doing my bit
But for some of the donor’s
It’s like self-harm for a biscuit

SHE SAID SHE WAS A BUSH DOCTOR

I completely misunderstood
But then I was a bit pissed
She said she was a Bush Doctor
So I thought “she’s a gynaecologist”

CHAMPAGNE TO YOUR REAL FRIENDS?

Champagne to your real friends?
And real pain to your sham friends?
Well that’s Not my idea of friends

I MISUNDERSTOOD ABOUT PPI

I misunderstood about PPI
And I really feel such a fool
I thought you got it if you didn’t
Wear your goggles at the pool

WHEN WE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE

When we reached cruising altitude
As we headed for another continent
The cabin light dimmed to enhance,
The appearance of our flight attendant

A Little Bit Of Humour # 123

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 373

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
The former was a grump
But the latter was a charmer

SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 1

So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular hat
Would in the plural
Be hats and never hose


THE LVG WAY

Your team should always have a plan “B”
In modern football you would have to say
Unfortunately for Manchester United though
Louis van Gaal doesn’t have a plan “A”

YESTERDAY I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR

Yesterday I went to see the doctor
Because I was feeling like hell
And he said, “You've got hypochondria”
“Oh no” I said “Not that as well”

WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT

We were eating at an Indian restaurant
When we received news of the trauma
We all found it very distressing
My naan had slipped into a Korma

MY NEIGHBOUR STOLE MY SHOES

My neighbour stole my shoes
He’s the nicest man you could meet
I was going to confront him?
But at the last minute I got cold feet

WHEN I WAS STILL A LITTLE KID

When I was still a little kid
I thought my grandad was a hero
Because he was Lollipop man
And I thought that was a superhero

MY GRANDAD WAS KILLED BY A ZULU

I was always led to believe that
My grandad was killed by a Zulu
But he was killed when the roof
Collapsed in a London Zoo Loo

I LEARNED COUNTING USING DRIED SEMOLINA

I learned counting using dried semolina
Everything else was superfluous
It’s the way we used to do it in Morocco
It was what we call our Abacouscous

I’M PAST MY SELL BY DATE

According to my wife
I’m past my sell by date
But for my children,
I’ve not passed my use by date

MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS

Mr Onion told a joke in class
He’s a bore so I don’t know why
But he told it anyway and we
didn’t know Whether to laugh or cry

BURNING ALL HER BILLS

My next-door neighbour
At number ninety two
Has been burning all her bills
But, that’s Bernadette for you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 122

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 372

Star light, star bright,
The first star I saw tonight
Was truly an epic fail
It was a z-lister from Emmerdale

THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE

If in your home sweet home
You find a solitary mouse
Then it is perfectly acceptable
To call it a house mouse
But if in your home sweet home
You find that you have mice
Then it is quite unacceptable
To refer to them as hice mice

THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE

The waitress asked “Do you have
Any questions about the menu?”
My brother in law replied
“Is this font courier new?”

THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE

There is a simple truth in life
And it’s an honest admission
It is much easier to apologize
Than it is to ask permission

I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED

I have always believed
That it’s quite absurd
That “abbreviation”
Is such a long word

THE SMELL OF BOOKS

I think that the people who say they
Love the smell of books are jerks
Because it’s perfectly clearly they
Don’t know how reading books works

THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH PRESSURE

There is always so much pressure
To be with people on a holiday
But if there was only one
On which to go your own way
Then that one would of course be
On Independence Day

FORTUNE COOKIE

When you’ve finished your dinner
A fortune cookie would suit yer
But if there is no fortune in it
That means you don’t have a future

THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY

The inventor of the Allen key
Made nothing off it
Despite the fact that
It certainly turned a profit

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2

If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then a solo is a lonesome

I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY

I visit my grandad regularly
Even though he’s a little daft
He has the windows open when
He makes me play draughts

APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD

Apparently a good compost heap should
Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,
But not so hot it would cook a lobster
Well poached or not I am not eating it

MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER

My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time

I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK

I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2

Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy deadlock

A Little Bit Of Humour # 121

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 371

Oh, where have you been,
Billy Boy, Billy Boy?
Oh, where have you been,
Charming Billy?
It’s a rhetorical question
Billy Boy, Billy Boy
Because I know you’ve been
Chasing a filly

THE PLURAL OF BOX

So if it is correct that
The plural of box is boxes
Then why is the plural of ox
Oxen and not Oxes

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 3

If clergymen can be defrocked
Can a promoter be demoted?
Should writers be described?
And musicians be denoted?

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 1

If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then solo is a handsome

IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL

If I had a pound for each and every girl
That said that they found me unattractive,
It would increase my worth eventually
And then they would find me attractive

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL

I always thought that alcohol
Made me funnier, smarter, oh
And a much better dancer
But then I saw myself on video

IF I’M SMILING, I'M THINKING

If I’m smiling, I'm thinking
Of doing something naughty
If you see me laughing, its
Because I've done it already

PROBLEMS ARE ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE

Problems are all about perspective
One of those “cup half full” affairs
So Escalators don't break down
They just magically turn into stairs.

SOME OF US LEARN FROM

Some of us learn from
The mistakes of others
The rest of us are destined
To be the others

I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE BIG WORDS

I hate people who use big words
I think it’s pretentious
And they only do it to make
Themselves look perspicacious

MANY MODERN HOMES NOW

Many modern homes now
Have a panic room in it
But to my two daughters
And my dear wife Brigit
Any room is a panic room
When they’ve lost a phone in it

ONE OF LIFE’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

One of life’s universal truths
Is not really much of a surprise
But behind every great man
There’s a woman rolling her eyes

A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN

A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient

MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM

My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out

FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER

Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo

A Little Bit Of Humour # 120

WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride

BONSAI GRANDAD

My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 370

Diddledy, diddledy, dumpty
The cat ran up the plum-tree
But then so would you chum
If they were after your plums

THE PLURAL OF MOUSE

So if it is correct that
The plural of mouse is mice
Then why is the plural of house
Houses and not hice

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 3

It is a sad fact of life that if
Times are going well
You have overlooked something
And it will all go to hell

IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 2

If Lawyers can be disbarred
Can dustmen be well disposed?
Or can tour guides be detoured
And must models be deposed?

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 2

My son jokes about my age
He is always making light
He says when I was a boy
Rainbows were black and white

DR. PEPPER IS A DR.

Dr. Pepper is a Dr.
But that’s the twist
But what kind,
I guess he’s a fizzicist

A YOUNG MAN GOT MUGGED

A young man got mugged
By a magician last year
He took a wallet, a watch,
And the coin from behind his ear

THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED

The Airplane was invented
By an optimist
While the parachute was
Invented by a pessimist

I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING

I have a phobia about flying
And I won’t fly Virgin, no way
After all why use an airline
That doesn’t go all the way?

YOU SHOULD NEVER GET BACK

You should never get back
Together with an old flame
It’s like having a garage sale
And buying your stuff back again

NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT WOMEN

New evidence indicates that women
Who carry a little extra weight
Will live considerably longer
Than the men who mention it mate

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTION

There is absolutely no substitution
Or for that matter an easy solution
For a genuine lack of preparation

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 1

Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy padlock