THE LONELINESS OF GRIEF

 

There can be no lonelier

Place on earth than grief

When you lose a loved one

Mother, father, sister, brother,

A spouse, a close friend or lover

It burdens you heart and soul

Though you are surrounded

By kindred spirits, who also suffer

You still feel desperately alone

NOT HERE

 

Now that mums not here

You try not to show you’re sad

But we know you miss her

And we know that you feel bad

But please don’t ever forget

That we all miss her too dad

CHRISTMAS WITHOUT HARRY

 

It was early when the children woke up

With their squeals of joy and delight

They hadn’t woken me though

I’d been awake half the night

 

Christmas held no joy for me this year

I was not looking forward to the day

And I always loved Christmas

This year I didn’t want to play

 

It was the first Christmas since I lost Harry

And each moment was a fresh agony

Everything we used to do together

Now had to be done by me

 

When you are the perfect partnership

It’s so hard when you lose one of the team

He was the cream cheese on my bagel,

I was the coffee to his cream

 

Its six months since he was taken from me

But the wound has barely healed

It takes just the slightest remembrance

And a fresh scar is then revealed

 

The children have all adjusted well

I’m so proud of the way they’ve coped

They’ve gotten on with their lives

And not sat around and moped

 

I’ve lain awake most of the night

Reliving Christmases gone by

I laughed at all the happy memories

And then the laughter turned to cries

 

It was going to be a difficult day to bear

And I would be glad when it was done

But I didn’t want to be a Grinch

And pour water on the children’s fun

 

Having Christmas without Harry

Was like having an undecorated tree

He was my best friend and soul mate

He was just everything to me

 

So for the kid’s sake I had to grin and bear it

Put on a brave face, smiled through the pain

I thought it would never end but end it did

And it won’t be that hard again

THE LONELINESS OF GRIEF

 

There can be no lonelier

Place on earth than grief

When you lose a loved one

Mother, father, sister, brother,

A spouse, a close friend or lover

It burdens you heart and soul

Though you are surrounded

By kindred spirits, who also suffer

You still feel desperately alone

Various

GRAMPA’S DARKEST DAY

Darkness descended since
We lost our brightest light
Daddy carries you in his arms
In that tiny coffin gleaming white
Goodbye my precious little angel
I will see you in the sky tonight

JOYS OF A CHILDHOOD LOST

We virtually lived outside
Me and my friends
On long summer adventures
Until the days ends
But we wernt just
The fair weather sort
We played outside even
When days were short
Rolling around in piles
Of autumn leaves of gold
Splashing through puddles
Despite being told
Playing imaginary games
About being lost in the fog
running through the woods
Chasing the dog.
In winter when Saturday came
Then off we’d go
With luck we’d wake
To find a fresh fall of snow
Then we’d happily sledge
Across the snowy land
Or build a snowman
Till we can’t feel our hands
Hours pass in minutes
As we’d happily roam
But despite the cold
We didn’t rush to get home
When we did we crunched
Through the crisp winter frost
Those were the joys
Of a childhood lost

I WAS LITTLE MORE THAN A LAD

I was little more than a lad
And my hometown lay behind me
But I didn’t walk the road
As a lad for very long,
I quickly became a man
So I walked for many years
And for many miles
In country and in town
Working in the sweet smelling fields
And the foul odorous cities
But I wandered tall and proud
Now the road lead me home
And the path breathes life
Into my wistful heart

SUNDIAL

The sun burned bright
Its rays struck the sundial
And cast a shadow
Shown in sharp relief
From the gnomon
Upon the brass dial
And as the straight edge
Reaches three o’clock
It’s time to go

WHY DO WE NEVER LEARN?

Why do we never learn?
We look back at past mistakes
And yet we do the same again
We view history
Without learning the lessons
Time and time again
But every time
History repeats itself
The price goes up

WE LOVE YOU STREET ANGELS

They are a constant about the place
They are the friendly face
Revellers stop on their merry way
And invariably they will say
As they lean at precarious angles
"We love you strangles"

THE STREET ANGELS HAVE TROD THE PATH

The Street Angels have trod the path
For Five years on Woking’s streets
Armed only with Gods light
And their calming influence
They are Not preachers of the word
Nor are they there to evangelise
They are the doers of deeds
The holders of hands
And the wipers of tears
They are a friendly face in the dark
Or a soothing word in the confusion
A conduit to common sense
The Angels do not judge
Nor are they there to chastise
Angels listen with sympathetic ears
And speak in a voice of pleasant reason
They give up their time
For the lost and the vulnerable
And the over enthusiastic revellers
Until the last club closes.
The Street Angels
Do not police the streets
But they do tread the path
And they are part of the peace

THE CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE

It was Christmas Eve
We were preparing for Christmas day
Stuffing the bird and peeling veg
Singing of Santa on his sleigh
When the phone call came
I thought great Dads on his way
Or maybe it will be Gran
With another Christmas cliché

A happy Christmas call
Full of happiness and cheer
In truth it was the very opposite
It was the call we all fear
The death of a loved one
The voice says so very clear
“I’ve lost my best friend”
And I had no words only tears

Out of the blue so unexpected
Certainly not on Christmas Eve
Christmas should be a celebration
Certainly not a time to grieve
But Christmas Eve or not
It seems it was his time to leave
So farewell dear brother
Life without you I cannot conceive

DEAR BROTHER

Dear brother you were always first
I wish our roles could have been reversed
You were the first born son
Always Dads number one
You were first to go to school
While I looked at my brother so cool
The certificates you received
Became targets I had to achieve
I always beat you I was always King
But I was never first to do anything
You were the first to kiss a girl
A rather ungainly blonde called Shirl
You were the first to get a job
The first to earn an honest bob
You were the first to wed
The first to wet a babies head
And to feel a granddads pride
I watched you brush a tear aside
And now for the last time
You were first to hear the bell chime
Once more you’ve won the race
And were first to feel Gods embrace

JUST LIKE JACOB MARLEY

Peter was taken on Christmas Eve
Just like Jacob Marley
But the similarity ends there
He was never grasping or stingy
He had not been well for a time
And happy to pass without fuss
But he would have been hopping mad
That he was missing Christmas
He would not have planned it that way
And picked a better time to leave
I think he would have been happier
If he had died on New Years Eve

For my Brother Peter who died on Christmas Eve 2008

I WILL BE THERE

Do not grieve for me
Do not mourn my passing
Remember me with a smile
Don’t think of me as gone
Remember what we had
Think of our life like a favourite book
Do not close it and put it on the shelf
Never to be read again
Just because you hate the ending
Start to write the next chapter
Enjoy it like all the others
And don’t be sad
I will be there with you always

I will be there when the wild flowers
Dance in the spring meadow
When the summer breeze moves through
A field of ripening wheat
When the morning mist of autumn
Softens the landscape
And when the winter sun
Sparkles and glints on the snow
And I will be by your side
Through your loneliest hours

I will be there in the dawn
Rising with the sun
You will see me again
When the sun sets at the days end
And in the twilight hours
I will be that gentle breeze
That caress’s your cheek
On a warm summer evening
And I will be that tingle on your skin
As you lie in the quiet hours

I will be there when you retrace our steps
And when you stand on the lake shore
My reflection will not be on the water
By I am still with you
When you walk in the autumn
Through the golden carpet
I will be in the dancing leaves
And when the snow lays
Though I will leave no foot prints
I am there for these moments our ours

I will be there in the quietness of winter
Among the falling snowflakes
I will be in the dew drops
On the grassy meadow
I will be there in the warm sunlight
Of a summer’s day
I will be with you when the storm
Quickens your heartbeat
And you will feel me on your skin
And in the April showers

COMPLIMENTARY MEMBERSHIP

It was early morning
The sun was barely up
I knew because I saw it rise
I had lain in the darkness
Awake and aware for hours
Unable to sleep
Uneasy in my mind
Fearful of what maybe
Helpless in the face of events
Powerless to influence them
Just too far away
A continent away
Then I saw darkness slip into gloom
Then from gloom to glory
And in that glorious dawn light
I listened to world awaken
With all the sounds of first light
The chirruping birds
Of the dawn chorus
A milk float on its way
Clinking and rattling
Joe next door heading for work
Early turn this week
Then so I didn’t want to hear
The sound I was dreading
Beside me on the night stand
The telephone rang
A numbing fear gripped me
And for a moment I was frozen
Unable to move
Powerless to answer it
It’s never good news
Not at the crack of dawn
Good news always waits
Until a decent hour
When the telling of it can be savoured
And the listening appreciated
Good news was delivered with coffee
And consumed with tea
Good news did not come
With the breaking day and the dawn chorus
Only bad news came so early
Bad news never waited
There was no reason to wait
Bad news had no good time
It just had to be delivered
The phone rang again
And the fear released its grip on me
And I picked up the phone
The conversation was short
Its contents concise
It was the news I was expecting
Dreading, fearing
It was confirmed
I was now a member of the club
Sadly not an exclusive group
Quite indiscriminate in its selection
A club few wanted to join
But whose ranks are unshrinking
I had friends in the club
My wife was even a member
As was my boss
There was no shame in it
No social stigma
But I would have given anything
To have been excluded
To be denied admittance
To have my enrolment
Delayed for 10 or 20 years
Or even a few precious days
Just one short day, not even a whole day
Just a few hours over my travelling time
This is not an uncommon reaction
I am reliably informed
To resist membership
It’s not a club you want to join
After all no one chooses to join
The dead Dads club

I COULD NOT WEEP FOR HIM

I could not weep
When he was diagnosed
And I feared the worst
Or when the false smile appeared
And he feared it too
And put on a brave face

I could not weep
As I sat at his side
His hand once as strong as atlas
Now to weak to grip
Weak like a babe
More so

I could not weep
As I watched the frown
Furrowing his weathered face
Grey, expressionless
And as his frown faded,
As the morphine took control

I could not weep
As he lay motionless,
Breath shallow
Silent, almost
But for the occasional groan
Beneath the morphine

I could not weep
At his deathbed
As the monster within
Crept through his organs
Hastening the end
For him and for itself

I could not weep
As his muscles relaxed
And the pain was no more
As he exhaled his last
And his soul passed
When he was at peace

I could not weep
Not because it wasn’t macho
Nor for lack of love
It was perhaps numbness
Or a need to be strong
For family, others

I could not weep
When my father died
When he released his grip on life
And I kissed him goodbye
I felt only relief
That his suffering had ended

I could not weep
Not even at his funeral
When all who loved him gathered
And we shared memories
Even when the curtains drew
I could not weep for him

Fourteen years later
On a cold December morning
I held my first born son
And amidst the tears of joy
I wept for himAs I held his grandson

ON THE BLACK LAKE

John, in his boat one grey autumn day
Bobbing on the lakes black water
His heart gripped by blackness
As he sobbed for the loss of his daughter

His blood ran cold through his veins
As he stared at the dark water there
Water that would welcome him
And end a life filled with despair

John’s life was as empty as his heart
Now his dear little girl was gone
That sweet yellow haired angel
Without her he just couldn’t go on

Then calmness came upon the water
And he became suddenly aware
He was no longer alone in his boat
As he stared at the dark water there

The boat no longer bobbed on the lake
As he turned to look behind him
He saw God sitting in the stern
And on the shore stood two Seraphim

God sat with smiling countenance
His hair white as artic snow
His soft eyes just radiated love
And he emitted a warming glow

John stood silent before his god
As the boat drifted towards the shore
And the black despair which gripped him
Left his body through every pore

Then Gods eyes looked toward the land
To where his brace of angels stood
And John was moved to do the same
And in that instant he understood

For stood between the angels
Was his sweet yellow haired girl
Her broken body once more whole
And a hallow sat above her curls

Though the heavenly father never spoke
John understood the meaning clear
His darling child made Cherubim was safe
And his time was not yet near

Then singing the songs of paradise
The Seraphim both ascended high
While his darling girl waved to him
And ascended herself into the sky

John turned towards the stern
As the boat bobbed on the lake again
But saw only an empty space
The king had returned to his domain

John, in his boat that grey autumn day
Bobbing on the lakes black water
Now felt at peace with himself
Though he still grieved for his darling daughter

The waters were not so black any more
And love displaced despair in his heart
Though he would always miss his angel
He knew they would not always be apart