A YOUNG WOMAN GOLFER
A young woman golfer had just started
Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,
It was so painful she abandoned the game
And returned to the clubhouse for sympathy
Her golf pro saw her as she returned
And wondered why she was back so early
So he went to ask her what was wrong
And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”
“Oh dear, that’s awful” he said “Where?”
He was sympathetic right from the start
“Between the first and second hole”
She replied wincing at the stings smart.
He nodded knowingly and said
“Then your feet were too far apart”
THE OFFER THAT SWUNG THE VOTE
The offer that swung the vote
On the recent referendum day
Was lowering healthy portions
From five, to three a day
TO UNDERSTAND DISABILITY
To understand disability, you should
Put yourself in their place
You might want to start by using
A disabled Parking space
AFRICA HAS ITS PROBLEMS
Africa has its problems
With the outbreak of Ebola
But spare a thought for
Every Little Englander
Who is exposed every
Summer to Tombola
DR WHO IS VERY, VERY OLD
Dr Who is very, very old
Even for a time traveller
And I think he is also
Suffering from Dimensia
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION
Crime Scene Investigation
Better known as CSI
Has been on the air so long
It should be renamed RSI
MY COUSIN IS A LOOKALIKE
My cousin is a lookalike,
He’s a dead ringer
For Prince Harry Wales
He’s a Doppelginger
TOFU GATEAUX
For my birthday my kids
Bought me a Tofu Gateaux
Which was as much use to me
As a slinky in a bungalow
POLITICIANS PRETEND
Politicians pretend to
Represent the people
But in reality, they
See us merely as Sheople
DON’T REST UPON YOUR LAURELS
Don’t rest upon your laurels
Once you’ve reached top
Because someone on the ladder
Is just waiting for you to drop
IF YOU EAT A BURGER
If you eat a burger
And it gives you the trots
You will probably find
It was horsemeat like as not
I LOVE IT WHEN WE BEAT THE AUSSIES
I love it when we beat the Aussies
It’s a bit of a passion of mine
Because they are such bad losers
I’m way up on cloud nine
I like to ask them, “Would you like
Some cheese with that whine?”
Thursday, 27 November 2014
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 6
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 13
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling
I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS
I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas
THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON
Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe
BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR
Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released
A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER
It was a novelty Christmas caper
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper
Not a gift I would choose
You can only use number 1s and 2s
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling
I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS
I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas
THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON
Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe
BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR
Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released
A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER
It was a novelty Christmas caper
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper
Not a gift I would choose
You can only use number 1s and 2s
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 5
ARE YOU WEARING ELFIN EARS?
Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingerly dell
With all the woodland creatures
CHRISTMAS SPOILERS
The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children
THE QUEEN’S SPEECH
The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?
IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY
If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe
For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 12
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the bungalow
not a creature was stirring
In the firelight glow
IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE
It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER
On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell
THE NIGHT IS CLEAR
The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here
IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE
It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there
Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingerly dell
With all the woodland creatures
CHRISTMAS SPOILERS
The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children
THE QUEEN’S SPEECH
The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?
IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY
If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe
For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 12
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the bungalow
not a creature was stirring
In the firelight glow
IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE
It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER
On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell
THE NIGHT IS CLEAR
The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here
IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE
It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 4
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 17
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell
EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT
Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty
CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS
Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind
CELEBRATING CRIMBO
Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo
ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?
Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do
THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE
The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH
Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978
ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT
When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 11
Twas the night before Christmas
And all around the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a peasant
ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?
Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell
EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT
Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty
CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS
Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind
CELEBRATING CRIMBO
Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo
ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?
Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do
THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE
The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH
Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978
ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT
When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 11
Twas the night before Christmas
And all around the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a peasant
ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?
Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 3
IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie
ARCTIC EDUCATION
At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught
CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 2
Cinnamon
Hot Chocolate
Rum Cakes
Icing
Stollen
Turkey
Mulled wine
Apple cider
Stuffing
BREAKFAST TIME COMES
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes
IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT
If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus
LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY
Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get
IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS
When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!
BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16
Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s
It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie
ARCTIC EDUCATION
At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught
CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 2
Cinnamon
Hot Chocolate
Rum Cakes
Icing
Stollen
Turkey
Mulled wine
Apple cider
Stuffing
BREAKFAST TIME COMES
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes
IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT
If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus
LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY
Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get
IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS
When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!
BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16
Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 2
THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2
The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15
Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in xmas paper
CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1
Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings
MERRY BELLS
Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season
JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door
CHRISTMAS BOX
A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”
We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry
SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
MINCE PIES FULL
Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason
REINDEER TURN
Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”
The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15
Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in xmas paper
CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1
Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings
MERRY BELLS
Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season
JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door
CHRISTMAS BOX
A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”
We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry
SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
MINCE PIES FULL
Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason
REINDEER TURN
Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed
A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE
A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself
JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS BELLS
Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season
CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)
Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1
For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring not even a peasant
But that in itself is not uncommon to see
When you live in a gated community
THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1
The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER
The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed
A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE
A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself
JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS BELLS
Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season
CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)
Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1
For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring not even a peasant
But that in itself is not uncommon to see
When you live in a gated community
THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1
The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER
The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
Friday, 31 October 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 71
ON HOLIDAY IN THE WEST COUNTRY
On holiday in the West Country,
During a recreational pursuit
I discovered that Plymouth Hoe
Was not a Devonian Prostitute
PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA"
Playing "La Cucaracha"
I hear the chimes call
Come get our hot food
Come one and come all
It’s the cockroach song
Is no one concerned at all?
IT’S YOUR OWN TIME YOU’RE WASTING
“It’s your own time you’re wasting”
But no one listens to the teacher
So when option time came around
I went and signed up for media
IN THE CORRIDORS AT MY SCHOOL
In the corridors at my school
We were allowed to run
There was a simple explanation,
We didn’t have a gymnasium
SOMETHING HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY
Something happened at school today
Which has shaken us up a bit
We had an issue with the register
As two of our teachers were on it
I CAN SAY FROM EXPERIENCE
I can say from experience
Marriage is in no way like prison
And the reason I say that
Is you get far more sex in prison
DON’T EAT ANYTHING FATTY
My doctor said to me
Don’t eat anything fatty
What he meant by that was
Don’t eat anything, fatty
MY DAD THINKS HE’S A CHOCOLATE ORANGE
My dad thinks he’s a chocolate orange
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned
And we have come to the decision
That we should have him sectioned
IF YOU WANT TO SCORE AT SCHOOL
If you want to score at school
Then the person to see
To fulfil all your needs
Is the supply teacher obviously
HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT?
Have you had an accident?
That you have not recovered from
And has changed your life?
Well next time use a condom
MARRIED FOR TWELVE YEARS
When I said I’d been married for twelve years
My best mate laughed himself in to tears
“You’d have got less for murder” He said flat
“No I wouldn’t” I said “I already thought of that”
On holiday in the West Country,
During a recreational pursuit
I discovered that Plymouth Hoe
Was not a Devonian Prostitute
PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA"
Playing "La Cucaracha"
I hear the chimes call
Come get our hot food
Come one and come all
It’s the cockroach song
Is no one concerned at all?
IT’S YOUR OWN TIME YOU’RE WASTING
“It’s your own time you’re wasting”
But no one listens to the teacher
So when option time came around
I went and signed up for media
IN THE CORRIDORS AT MY SCHOOL
In the corridors at my school
We were allowed to run
There was a simple explanation,
We didn’t have a gymnasium
SOMETHING HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY
Something happened at school today
Which has shaken us up a bit
We had an issue with the register
As two of our teachers were on it
I CAN SAY FROM EXPERIENCE
I can say from experience
Marriage is in no way like prison
And the reason I say that
Is you get far more sex in prison
DON’T EAT ANYTHING FATTY
My doctor said to me
Don’t eat anything fatty
What he meant by that was
Don’t eat anything, fatty
MY DAD THINKS HE’S A CHOCOLATE ORANGE
My dad thinks he’s a chocolate orange
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned
And we have come to the decision
That we should have him sectioned
IF YOU WANT TO SCORE AT SCHOOL
If you want to score at school
Then the person to see
To fulfil all your needs
Is the supply teacher obviously
HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT?
Have you had an accident?
That you have not recovered from
And has changed your life?
Well next time use a condom
MARRIED FOR TWELVE YEARS
When I said I’d been married for twelve years
My best mate laughed himself in to tears
“You’d have got less for murder” He said flat
“No I wouldn’t” I said “I already thought of that”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 70
ARE YOU WEARING A PARTY HAT?
Are you wearing a party hat?
As it’s a Thanksgiving hat
And the family is all together
I will give thanks for that
I HAVE A VERY POLITE DOCTOR
I have a very polite doctor,
Nice to the point of folly
He won’t tell me I’m obese
He says I’m morbidly jolly
WHEN THE WINE BOX IS EMPTY
When the wine box is empty
I am one of the thorough types
I rip open the cardboard
To reveal the Pinots tripe’s
And squeeze it dry as I play
The alcoholics bagpipes
I LIVE IN A SMALL WINDMILL
I live in a small windmill
I’ve never lived in one before
It’s in a little seaside town
On the promenade by the shore
It’s nice, apart from the golf balls
That keep coming thru the door
WE HAVE A NEW MARKET IN TOWN
We have a new market in town
And they do Korean street food
One customer ordered poodle noodles
Which I thought was quite rude
THERE WOULD BE MORE RESERVES
There would be more reserves
Remaining in the North Sea
If the Scots didn’t have
Such a deep frying tendency
WHEN I SAW MR MESSI PLAY
When I saw Mr Messi play
I was disappointed I must say
I had to take a second look
But he was nothing like in the book
EVERY WEEKEND IN ESSEX-LAND
Every weekend in Essex-land
Daddies precious little petal
Gets off her tits and tanked up
On gallons of Princess Petrol
WINE BOXES AREN’T FOR THE SNOBS
Wine boxes aren’t for the snobs
But what makes them unwhackable
Is unlike the odd shaped bottles
All the Wine boxes are stackable
I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME
I never thought the day would come
In fact I would have thought it absurd
When the Football sense of “Brazilian”
Wasn’t the most popular use of the word
THE EBOLA CRISIS IS CAUSING CONCERN
The Ebola crisis is causing concern
And is causing the Americans to fret
And what the people want to know
Is why aren’t their troops there yet
Thursday, 9 October 2014
Halloween Tales 2014
ARE YOU WEARING GOBLIN EARS?
Are you wearing Goblin Ears?
As someone’s Halloween treat
I would just ask you one thing
Do you also have hairy feet?
ARE YOU WEARING A GHOST OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a ghost outfit?
I know it’s only a white sheet or too
But if I let you scare me once or twice
Then can I put the willies up you
SNIP! SNAP! HALLOWEEN
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as this Halloween comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Halloween game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
ARE YOU WEARING WEREWOLF EARS?
Are you wearing Werewolf ears?
It’s an unusual look for a girl
But if you’re a bit of an animal
I’m happy to give it a whirl
ARE YOU WEARING A DEVILS TAIL?
Are you wearing a Devils Tail?
As someone’s Halloween surprise
I hope you’re as devilish as you look
And not some angel in disguise
AT THE GHOSTLY HOUSE
At the ghostly house
There is a familiar theme
Because for desert
They always have ice scream
ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a ghoulish outfit?
It’s made from an old bed sheet isn’t it?
That could be useful when the fun begins
As it could cover a multitude of sins
ARE YOU WEARING A DEVILISH OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a devilish outfit?
Just the thing for a Halloween night
A real devilish red bloodied treat
All sinful red and ultra-skin tight
ALL GOOD GHOSTLY KIDS
All good ghostly kids
Are brought up good and true
And they will never spook
Until they’re spooken to
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Halloween outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
ARE YOU WEARING A FRANKENSTEIN OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Frankenstein outfit?
Well Frankenstein’s creation I’d guess
Oh you’re not wearing a mask at all
And that’s all just anaphylaxis
I BUY MY WIFE A GIFT FOR HALLOWEEN
I buy my wife a gift for Halloween
Though not the gift giving season
Because Halloween is like Christmas
For witches and that’s the reason
ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?
Are you wearing a witch’s hat?
Or is it just a kind of mirage
And did you just call that
Broom cupboard your garage
ARE YOU WEARING A DRACULA OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Dracula outfit?
Well I promise not to put up a fight
And at the end of the Halloween party
I will let you have more than bite
Are you wearing Goblin Ears?
As someone’s Halloween treat
I would just ask you one thing
Do you also have hairy feet?
ARE YOU WEARING A GHOST OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a ghost outfit?
I know it’s only a white sheet or too
But if I let you scare me once or twice
Then can I put the willies up you
SNIP! SNAP! HALLOWEEN
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as this Halloween comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Halloween game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
ARE YOU WEARING WEREWOLF EARS?
Are you wearing Werewolf ears?
It’s an unusual look for a girl
But if you’re a bit of an animal
I’m happy to give it a whirl
ARE YOU WEARING A DEVILS TAIL?
Are you wearing a Devils Tail?
As someone’s Halloween surprise
I hope you’re as devilish as you look
And not some angel in disguise
AT THE GHOSTLY HOUSE
At the ghostly house
There is a familiar theme
Because for desert
They always have ice scream
ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a ghoulish outfit?
It’s made from an old bed sheet isn’t it?
That could be useful when the fun begins
As it could cover a multitude of sins
ARE YOU WEARING A DEVILISH OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a devilish outfit?
Just the thing for a Halloween night
A real devilish red bloodied treat
All sinful red and ultra-skin tight
ALL GOOD GHOSTLY KIDS
All good ghostly kids
Are brought up good and true
And they will never spook
Until they’re spooken to
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Halloween outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
ARE YOU WEARING A FRANKENSTEIN OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Frankenstein outfit?
Well Frankenstein’s creation I’d guess
Oh you’re not wearing a mask at all
And that’s all just anaphylaxis
I BUY MY WIFE A GIFT FOR HALLOWEEN
I buy my wife a gift for Halloween
Though not the gift giving season
Because Halloween is like Christmas
For witches and that’s the reason
ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?
Are you wearing a witch’s hat?
Or is it just a kind of mirage
And did you just call that
Broom cupboard your garage
ARE YOU WEARING A DRACULA OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Dracula outfit?
Well I promise not to put up a fight
And at the end of the Halloween party
I will let you have more than bite
A Little Bit Of Humour # 69
I’M NOT A CLOSET RACIST
I’m not a closet racist
I keep on telling her
Just because I dislike
The people of Narnia
WE WENT TO A POSH NEW RESTAURANT
We went to a posh new restaurant
And the food was really trash
When we saw the astronomical bill
We did the Dine and Dash
SLEAZY POLITICIANS APPEAR IN THE TABLOIDS
Sleazy politicians appear in the tabloids
As allegations are made afresh
But they all protest their innocence
Perhaps they were just pressing the flesh
ARE YOU WEARING SATIN KNICKERS?
Are you wearing satin knickers?
What a peculiar thing to say
Of course they are sat in
No one can stand up all day
ARE THESE KNICKERS SATIN?
A woman asked “Are these knickers satin?”
To an assistant who was chattin
She replied loudly for the whole shop to view
“No of course not, they’re new”
THE GLASS CEILING HAS BEEN REMOVED
The glass ceiling has been removed
For the benefit of women everywhere
It’s a positive move long overdue
It was difficult to clean way up there
MY WIFE’S BEEN GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT
My wife’s been giving me the silent treatment
Which I have enjoyed if truth to tell
But every silver lining has a cloud
When the silence was accompanied by a smell
NIGEL FARAGE
Love him or loath him, Nigel Farage
Is strangely charismatic
In fact he’s quite a colourful character
Which in truth is ironic
MY ACUPUNCTURIST ATTACKED ME
My acupuncturist attacked me
When she proper lost her temper
She stabbed me with a needle
But you know, I’ve never felt better
MY FRIEND RAVED TO ME
My friend raved to me
About his orthopaedic shoe
But I think he built them up
Too much in my view
ONE IN FOUR WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY
One in four women in this country
Are on meds for mental illness
So the rest are running around
Undiagnosed more or less
I’m not a closet racist
I keep on telling her
Just because I dislike
The people of Narnia
WE WENT TO A POSH NEW RESTAURANT
We went to a posh new restaurant
And the food was really trash
When we saw the astronomical bill
We did the Dine and Dash
SLEAZY POLITICIANS APPEAR IN THE TABLOIDS
Sleazy politicians appear in the tabloids
As allegations are made afresh
But they all protest their innocence
Perhaps they were just pressing the flesh
ARE YOU WEARING SATIN KNICKERS?
Are you wearing satin knickers?
What a peculiar thing to say
Of course they are sat in
No one can stand up all day
ARE THESE KNICKERS SATIN?
A woman asked “Are these knickers satin?”
To an assistant who was chattin
She replied loudly for the whole shop to view
“No of course not, they’re new”
THE GLASS CEILING HAS BEEN REMOVED
The glass ceiling has been removed
For the benefit of women everywhere
It’s a positive move long overdue
It was difficult to clean way up there
MY WIFE’S BEEN GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT
My wife’s been giving me the silent treatment
Which I have enjoyed if truth to tell
But every silver lining has a cloud
When the silence was accompanied by a smell
NIGEL FARAGE
Love him or loath him, Nigel Farage
Is strangely charismatic
In fact he’s quite a colourful character
Which in truth is ironic
MY ACUPUNCTURIST ATTACKED ME
My acupuncturist attacked me
When she proper lost her temper
She stabbed me with a needle
But you know, I’ve never felt better
MY FRIEND RAVED TO ME
My friend raved to me
About his orthopaedic shoe
But I think he built them up
Too much in my view
ONE IN FOUR WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY
One in four women in this country
Are on meds for mental illness
So the rest are running around
Undiagnosed more or less
A Little Bit Of Humour # 68
ON THE QUESTION OF INDEPENDENCE
On the question of independence
This is what I truly believe
The people of England, really
Don’t care if Scotland leave
ON THE QUESTION OF SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE
On the question of Scottish independence
They’ve worded it the wrong way
Don’t ask the scots if they want to go
Ask the English if we want them to stay
THE POETIC PAM AYRES
The poetic Pam Ayres
Wrote verse with a gag
And I think she looks
Like Benny Hill in drag
THE WATER FEATURE
Running Water is so therapeutic
It seems to Wash away your cares
However the exception to the rule
Is when it’s running down the stairs
LIDL
Lidl in Stevenage has closed its doors
And has been raised to the floor
To build a new Lidl superstore
Which won’t be so Lidl anymore
CHINESE FAST FOOD
We went out to pick up
A Chinese takeaway
But we were skint so we did
A Chinese Runaway
I SOLD THE VACUUM CLEANER
I sold the vacuum cleaner
I wasn’t really fussed
After all at the end of the day
It was just collecting dust
MY UNCLE COLLECTS WILD ANIMALS
My uncle collects wild animals
He’s the strangest bloke I’ve met
I offered him a really fat badger
He said no “as it didn’t fit in his set”
I SCOURED THE LATEST GLOSSY MAGS
I scoured the latest glossy mags
In search of some fashion-ism
To give some indication as to what
One wears for casual racism
I MET AN INTERESTING GIRL AT A PARTY
I met an interesting girl at a party
At first I admired her from afar
She claimed that just by knowing
The make of an individual’s car
She could discern their personality
Apparently I shouldn’t own a car
I WAS BULLIED VERY BADLY AT SCHOOL
I was bullied very badly at school
To it, my mind reluctantly returns,
I was hospitalized on one occasion
With full thickness Chinese burns
On the question of independence
This is what I truly believe
The people of England, really
Don’t care if Scotland leave
ON THE QUESTION OF SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE
On the question of Scottish independence
They’ve worded it the wrong way
Don’t ask the scots if they want to go
Ask the English if we want them to stay
THE POETIC PAM AYRES
The poetic Pam Ayres
Wrote verse with a gag
And I think she looks
Like Benny Hill in drag
THE WATER FEATURE
Running Water is so therapeutic
It seems to Wash away your cares
However the exception to the rule
Is when it’s running down the stairs
LIDL
Lidl in Stevenage has closed its doors
And has been raised to the floor
To build a new Lidl superstore
Which won’t be so Lidl anymore
CHINESE FAST FOOD
We went out to pick up
A Chinese takeaway
But we were skint so we did
A Chinese Runaway
I SOLD THE VACUUM CLEANER
I sold the vacuum cleaner
I wasn’t really fussed
After all at the end of the day
It was just collecting dust
MY UNCLE COLLECTS WILD ANIMALS
My uncle collects wild animals
He’s the strangest bloke I’ve met
I offered him a really fat badger
He said no “as it didn’t fit in his set”
I SCOURED THE LATEST GLOSSY MAGS
I scoured the latest glossy mags
In search of some fashion-ism
To give some indication as to what
One wears for casual racism
I MET AN INTERESTING GIRL AT A PARTY
I met an interesting girl at a party
At first I admired her from afar
She claimed that just by knowing
The make of an individual’s car
She could discern their personality
Apparently I shouldn’t own a car
I WAS BULLIED VERY BADLY AT SCHOOL
I was bullied very badly at school
To it, my mind reluctantly returns,
I was hospitalized on one occasion
With full thickness Chinese burns
Thursday, 4 September 2014
Spiritual Stuff
THE LIFE THOU GAVEST LORD IS ENDING
The life thou gavest Lord is ending
The darkness falls at Thy behest
And I know that I am bound
For my expected eternal rest
Please one last time let me kiss
My loved ones once or twice
And let me just say goodbye
Before I cross over to paradise
OPEN UP YOUR BARREN HEART
Open up your barren heart
Light a candle in the dark
And the shepherd of the light
Will stand for the righteous fight
The shining prince of peace
Shining like the Golden Fleece
Oh lamb of God, oh perfect light
Will banish evil from the night
THE GOOD AGAINST THE EVIL
The good against the evil
The great against the least
The light against the darkness
The lamb against the beast
PURE WHITE DOVE
Pure white dove
Rare of wonder
Shouts to the world
Loud as thunder
LIGHT OF THE WORLD
Light of the world
Light of your heart
Light of glory
Light against the dark
WHAT’S THE STORY?
What’s the story?
God of glory
Watching over us
It is forever thus
THE VICARIOUS VICAR
The Reverend Hinton
Brought many couples,
Efficiently and Happily
Through their nuptials
And he was content
Experiencing happiness
Thru the couples he joined
But felt alone nonetheless
For at the end of the day
He went on his own
To his empty vicarage
And sat home alone
The life thou gavest Lord is ending
The darkness falls at Thy behest
And I know that I am bound
For my expected eternal rest
Please one last time let me kiss
My loved ones once or twice
And let me just say goodbye
Before I cross over to paradise
OPEN UP YOUR BARREN HEART
Open up your barren heart
Light a candle in the dark
And the shepherd of the light
Will stand for the righteous fight
The shining prince of peace
Shining like the Golden Fleece
Oh lamb of God, oh perfect light
Will banish evil from the night
THE GOOD AGAINST THE EVIL
The good against the evil
The great against the least
The light against the darkness
The lamb against the beast
PURE WHITE DOVE
Pure white dove
Rare of wonder
Shouts to the world
Loud as thunder
LIGHT OF THE WORLD
Light of the world
Light of your heart
Light of glory
Light against the dark
WHAT’S THE STORY?
What’s the story?
God of glory
Watching over us
It is forever thus
THE VICARIOUS VICAR
The Reverend Hinton
Brought many couples,
Efficiently and Happily
Through their nuptials
And he was content
Experiencing happiness
Thru the couples he joined
But felt alone nonetheless
For at the end of the day
He went on his own
To his empty vicarage
And sat home alone
Tales of Love # 16
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 5
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If they gave out medals
Just for love untold
You would get the bronze
Silver and Gold
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (14)
I’ve climbed the Himalayan Mountains
And walked the great lakes shore
I’ve seen the exotic Land of Smiles
And watched the glaciers thaw
But I came to the clear conclusion
I can’t live without you anymore
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 7
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If I blew a single kiss
Into a typhoon
Only when they found it
Would I stop loving you
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (15)
From the Anatolian salt springs
To Lake Victoria and the falls
From Mount St Helens volcano
To where the Pacific Ocean calls
Searching every corner of the world
Looking for one who enthrals
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 8
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If I dropped a grain of sand
Onto a desert dune
Only when they found it
Would I stop loving you
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (16)
I have seen many things in my long life
It is my plan to live to see many more
But I know I will never see more beauty
Now I stand beside you of that I’m sure
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Now my youthful wanderlust is done
As I discovered something fundamental
Now I know that you are the only one
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 9
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
Without you in it, my world
Is monochrome
But your love colors it
With every conceivable tone
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 10
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
Without you in my world
My cup is empty
But your love fills me
To the brim you see
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 11
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a delicacy
Then I would say you are
Without a doubt
Beluga caviar
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If they gave out medals
Just for love untold
You would get the bronze
Silver and Gold
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (14)
I’ve climbed the Himalayan Mountains
And walked the great lakes shore
I’ve seen the exotic Land of Smiles
And watched the glaciers thaw
But I came to the clear conclusion
I can’t live without you anymore
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 7
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If I blew a single kiss
Into a typhoon
Only when they found it
Would I stop loving you
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (15)
From the Anatolian salt springs
To Lake Victoria and the falls
From Mount St Helens volcano
To where the Pacific Ocean calls
Searching every corner of the world
Looking for one who enthrals
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 8
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If I dropped a grain of sand
Onto a desert dune
Only when they found it
Would I stop loving you
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (16)
I have seen many things in my long life
It is my plan to live to see many more
But I know I will never see more beauty
Now I stand beside you of that I’m sure
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Now my youthful wanderlust is done
As I discovered something fundamental
Now I know that you are the only one
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 9
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
Without you in it, my world
Is monochrome
But your love colors it
With every conceivable tone
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 10
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
Without you in my world
My cup is empty
But your love fills me
To the brim you see
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 11
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a delicacy
Then I would say you are
Without a doubt
Beluga caviar
Tales of Love # 15
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 3
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If they made a sport of loveliness
You would be the championess
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (11)
I’ve sailed around the Cape of Good Hope
Where the two great oceans meet
I’ve sailed from the stormy southern isles
In the winter through the rain and sleet
I did all this and more for a reason,
The moment when we would meet
WHEN THE RAIN FALLS
When the rain falls
Look for the rainbows
When darkness falls
Look for the stars
When your love falls
You can look for me
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 4
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a heavenly star
You would be the brightest by far
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (12)
I’ve walked the Mongolian steppes
And felt the desert heat of the Sahara
I’ve climbed Virginias Blue Ridge
And felt the coolness of Niagara
But every step was worth it
Because it delivered me to Sara
ALL OF MY ADULT LIFE
All of my adult life
I have been searching and
Eureka! I have the answer
I have finally worked it out
I shouldn’t be looking for
Someone I can live with
I should be looking for
Someone I can’t live without
TIME TICKS
Time ticks
Hearts beat
Butterflies,
When they meet
Time flies
Fast pace
Love grows
Heart beats race
All too soon
Alone again
Hour glasses empties
Grain by grain
Time ticks
Time flies
Only time now
For goodbyes
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 6
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a drink
Then I would say
I think that
You would be Moet
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (13)
I’ve sailed from the Bell Rock Light House
Where the North Sea swells
And to the Newfoundland grand banks
Where the hardy mariner dwells
But on my own it was so unfulfilling
Having you with me is what tells
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If they made a sport of loveliness
You would be the championess
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (11)
I’ve sailed around the Cape of Good Hope
Where the two great oceans meet
I’ve sailed from the stormy southern isles
In the winter through the rain and sleet
I did all this and more for a reason,
The moment when we would meet
WHEN THE RAIN FALLS
When the rain falls
Look for the rainbows
When darkness falls
Look for the stars
When your love falls
You can look for me
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 4
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a heavenly star
You would be the brightest by far
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (12)
I’ve walked the Mongolian steppes
And felt the desert heat of the Sahara
I’ve climbed Virginias Blue Ridge
And felt the coolness of Niagara
But every step was worth it
Because it delivered me to Sara
ALL OF MY ADULT LIFE
All of my adult life
I have been searching and
Eureka! I have the answer
I have finally worked it out
I shouldn’t be looking for
Someone I can live with
I should be looking for
Someone I can’t live without
TIME TICKS
Time ticks
Hearts beat
Butterflies,
When they meet
Time flies
Fast pace
Love grows
Heart beats race
All too soon
Alone again
Hour glasses empties
Grain by grain
Time ticks
Time flies
Only time now
For goodbyes
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 6
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a drink
Then I would say
I think that
You would be Moet
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (13)
I’ve sailed from the Bell Rock Light House
Where the North Sea swells
And to the Newfoundland grand banks
Where the hardy mariner dwells
But on my own it was so unfulfilling
Having you with me is what tells
Tales of Love # 14
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (9)
From the stormy southern isles
To the exotic land of smiles
I will carry with me a constant love
Over the distant countless miles
WHEN I LOST YOU, I FELT DEAD TOO
When I lost you, I felt dead too
Apart from the constant empty pain
All I can do now is carry on living
Until the day I feel alive again
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 1
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a pop song being sung
You would be number one
LEAVE THIS WORLD WITH ME
Leave this world with me
And together you and I,
Will discover the universe
And explore the heavens
Until our souls forever join
IN THAT EXQUISITE PLACE
In that exquisite place,
Lying between
Sleep and wakefulness,
Night and day,
Fantasy and reality.
And not knowing
As senses heighten
If it’s a vivid dream
Or a sensual reality.
It is shear ecstasy
AWE AND WONDER
Awe and wonder
Fills my heart
As I stare at her,
I dream a dream
Of what could be
One day,
She could be mine,
Or maybe not
But it costs me nothing
Just to dream
ON THE HUMID EVENING
On the humid evening
The heady cloying perfume
Of red camellias
Filled the air
Confusing the senses
And amidst the scent of desire
I found in the moonlight
I was falling in love with her
A MOST GRIEVOUS SIN
A most grievous sin
To depucelate the purity
To sully and deflower,
Without the beauty of love
As an accompaniment.
Such deprivation of innocence
To taint and corrupt
And conspire in her defiling
Without romantic love
Is the province of the beast
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 2
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a movie blockbuster
You would win the Oscar
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (10)
I’ve seen the distant far pavilions
And the land of the rising sun
I’ve seen Tierra del Fuego
And where all life was begun
I’ve seen the Pyramids of Giza
But now my travels are done
I’ve found what I’ve sought
And you my love are the one
From the stormy southern isles
To the exotic land of smiles
I will carry with me a constant love
Over the distant countless miles
WHEN I LOST YOU, I FELT DEAD TOO
When I lost you, I felt dead too
Apart from the constant empty pain
All I can do now is carry on living
Until the day I feel alive again
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 1
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a pop song being sung
You would be number one
LEAVE THIS WORLD WITH ME
Leave this world with me
And together you and I,
Will discover the universe
And explore the heavens
Until our souls forever join
IN THAT EXQUISITE PLACE
In that exquisite place,
Lying between
Sleep and wakefulness,
Night and day,
Fantasy and reality.
And not knowing
As senses heighten
If it’s a vivid dream
Or a sensual reality.
It is shear ecstasy
AWE AND WONDER
Awe and wonder
Fills my heart
As I stare at her,
I dream a dream
Of what could be
One day,
She could be mine,
Or maybe not
But it costs me nothing
Just to dream
ON THE HUMID EVENING
On the humid evening
The heady cloying perfume
Of red camellias
Filled the air
Confusing the senses
And amidst the scent of desire
I found in the moonlight
I was falling in love with her
A MOST GRIEVOUS SIN
A most grievous sin
To depucelate the purity
To sully and deflower,
Without the beauty of love
As an accompaniment.
Such deprivation of innocence
To taint and corrupt
And conspire in her defiling
Without romantic love
Is the province of the beast
I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 2
I love you by any measure
You might wish to use
But I don’t know how to express
The way I feel about you
And the affect you have on me
So I hope this gives you a clue
If you were a movie blockbuster
You would win the Oscar
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (10)
I’ve seen the distant far pavilions
And the land of the rising sun
I’ve seen Tierra del Fuego
And where all life was begun
I’ve seen the Pyramids of Giza
But now my travels are done
I’ve found what I’ve sought
And you my love are the one
True Nature # 4
NORTH WESTERN MISSION BELLS
The Mission bells
Blooming herb
Of the north western states
With green-and-purple
Bell-shaped flowers
SOUTH WESTERN MISSION BELL
The Mission bells
Blooming herb
Of the south-western States
With dark purple
Bell-shaped flowers
Mottled with green
CALIFORNIA YELLOW BELLS
California Yellow bells
Inhabiting the arid places
With pendulous bell like
Yellow flowers
Blooming in the desert
YELLOW BELLS
The Yellow bells
The viscid herb
Inhabiting the arid places
With its sticky leaves
And pendulous bell like
Yellow flowers
Blooming in the desert
Of the south-western states
WHISPERING BELLS
Whispering bells
The viscid herb
Inhabiting the arid places
With its sticky leaves
And pendulous bell like
Yellow flowers
Blooming in the desert
Of the south-western states
SWEET BELLS
Sweet bells
Long racemes
Of pinkish flowers
Abundant on
Bushy Deciduous shrubs
Across eastern States
PEACH BELLS
Peach Bells
European perennial
Bellflower with racemose
Of white or blue
BROWN BELLS
Brown bells
Californian herb
With brownish-purple
Bell-shaped flowers
OUR HOUSE WAS POOR
Our house was poor
But the land was rich
Mother Nature’s
Bountiful abundance
Rich in leaf and bud
Enriched in flowers
Many a summers’ day
I lay amongst grasses
And the wild flower stems
In scented meadows
That leaves me dazed
As the summer sun
Set alight the burning gem’s
THE WIND IN THE TREES
The wind in the trees
Sang a sad song
A plaintive sound
Like a crying child
And as it blew through
The crying leaves
On the rainy morn
Shed tears that fell
To the forest floor
TRANQUILLITY DESCENDS
Tranquillity descends
And sunshine reigns
When the storm abates
And peace remains
BETWEEN THE SEASONS
Although the sun
Shone high
In the dying
Summer sky
The east wind,
Strong and shrill
Carried in an
Early autumn chill
DARK CLOUDS CONCEALED
Dark clouds concealed
The firmament
The moon and stars
Still shone
Though not apparent
And heavens jewels
Remained, unseen
DAYLIGHT WAS DECLINING
Daylight was declining
As twilight loomed
As behind the horizon
The sun was consumed
WIND AND TEMPEST
Wind and tempest
Rain and flood
The chimney falls
With a thud
After the lightning storm
And booming thunder
Uprooted trees
Roofs torn asunder
But in the calm
As we convalesce
In the aftermath
There is a cleanness
The Mission bells
Blooming herb
Of the north western states
With green-and-purple
Bell-shaped flowers
SOUTH WESTERN MISSION BELL
The Mission bells
Blooming herb
Of the south-western States
With dark purple
Bell-shaped flowers
Mottled with green
CALIFORNIA YELLOW BELLS
California Yellow bells
Inhabiting the arid places
With pendulous bell like
Yellow flowers
Blooming in the desert
YELLOW BELLS
The Yellow bells
The viscid herb
Inhabiting the arid places
With its sticky leaves
And pendulous bell like
Yellow flowers
Blooming in the desert
Of the south-western states
WHISPERING BELLS
Whispering bells
The viscid herb
Inhabiting the arid places
With its sticky leaves
And pendulous bell like
Yellow flowers
Blooming in the desert
Of the south-western states
SWEET BELLS
Sweet bells
Long racemes
Of pinkish flowers
Abundant on
Bushy Deciduous shrubs
Across eastern States
PEACH BELLS
Peach Bells
European perennial
Bellflower with racemose
Of white or blue
BROWN BELLS
Brown bells
Californian herb
With brownish-purple
Bell-shaped flowers
OUR HOUSE WAS POOR
Our house was poor
But the land was rich
Mother Nature’s
Bountiful abundance
Rich in leaf and bud
Enriched in flowers
Many a summers’ day
I lay amongst grasses
And the wild flower stems
In scented meadows
That leaves me dazed
As the summer sun
Set alight the burning gem’s
THE WIND IN THE TREES
The wind in the trees
Sang a sad song
A plaintive sound
Like a crying child
And as it blew through
The crying leaves
On the rainy morn
Shed tears that fell
To the forest floor
TRANQUILLITY DESCENDS
Tranquillity descends
And sunshine reigns
When the storm abates
And peace remains
BETWEEN THE SEASONS
Although the sun
Shone high
In the dying
Summer sky
The east wind,
Strong and shrill
Carried in an
Early autumn chill
DARK CLOUDS CONCEALED
Dark clouds concealed
The firmament
The moon and stars
Still shone
Though not apparent
And heavens jewels
Remained, unseen
DAYLIGHT WAS DECLINING
Daylight was declining
As twilight loomed
As behind the horizon
The sun was consumed
WIND AND TEMPEST
Wind and tempest
Rain and flood
The chimney falls
With a thud
After the lightning storm
And booming thunder
Uprooted trees
Roofs torn asunder
But in the calm
As we convalesce
In the aftermath
There is a cleanness
A Little Bit Of Humour # 67
IT'S NATURAL TO BECOME QUIETER AS WE AGE
It's natural to become quieter as we age
It’s just another old age sin
It’s not easy to talk at the same time
As holding your stomach in
BIRTHDAY TELEGRAM
Bad news, Her Majesty isn't sending you
A telegram this year, but don’t despair
There is nothing to be concerned about
She's happy to know you're halfway there
SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM, 2014
The Scottish Nationalists
Want to go for independence
Which is their prerogative
I am filled with indifference
Go or stay I don’t care
Its Scotland’s decision
As long as it’s a well informed
Choice for the division
But dear Alex Salmond
Is one of the arrogant asses
Views everything English
Thru Tartan tinted glasses
Thursday 18 September 2014.
THE CILLIT BANG GUY
The Cillit Bang guy is
Punting it out here and there
So is Barry Scott now
A soap scum millionaire
THE GIRL WAS PIGEON CHESTED
The girl was pigeon chested
Which wasn't obvious to begin
But once I got her bra off
Both her nipples pointed in
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS
Chocolate coated raisins
I found out today
Can easily be included
As one of your five a day
COUGHS AND SNEEZES
Coughs and sneezes
Spread diseases
Colds and flu
And nasty wheezes
So protect against
Coughs and sneezes
There is one thing
That helps and eases
Have a smoke
To help the wheezes
Choose any brand
Pick one that pleases
So do not fear
Coughs and sneezes
Because smoking stops
Them spreading diseases
It’s alright I haven’t gone mad I was prompted to right this by Bee, who pointed out how strange it was how perceptions of things change over time.
For example Cigarettes were marketed in the 19th century as a cure for amongst other things Asthma and Catarrh.
Now we no different
I KNOW THAT YOU’RE REALLY OLD
I know that you’re really old
But your aging appears static
Which means you must have
A portrait hanging in the attic
JOHN BERCOW
John Bercow has
Got on his high horse
Regarding height-ism
Well I say high horse
I LOVE FOOT PUMPS
I love foot pumps
I think they are really neat
And are particularly good
If you have flat feet
YOU HAVE MADE IT TO THIRTY
You have made it to thirty
And I would just like to say
I have no words of comfort
It IS downhill all the way
YOU ARE 50 YEARS OLD
You are 50 years old
And if I may be so bold
Despite what you were told
The emphasis is on the old
GOOD BYE SCOTLAND GOODBYE
Good Bye Scotland goodbye
Good bye Scotland don't cry
That little Nationalist train
that makes me
Quite happy, no words can tell how glad it makes me
Go now Scotland and then,
We’ll wave goodbye once again.
Hear us all cheer
Without a tear
And if it all goes wrong don’t come back in a year
Good Bye Scotland goodbye.
Good bye Scotland don't cry.
Sung to the tune of Toot Toot Tootsie
THE CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY’S
The Chocolate Strawberry’s
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
May definitely be included
It's natural to become quieter as we age
It’s just another old age sin
It’s not easy to talk at the same time
As holding your stomach in
BIRTHDAY TELEGRAM
Bad news, Her Majesty isn't sending you
A telegram this year, but don’t despair
There is nothing to be concerned about
She's happy to know you're halfway there
SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM, 2014
The Scottish Nationalists
Want to go for independence
Which is their prerogative
I am filled with indifference
Go or stay I don’t care
Its Scotland’s decision
As long as it’s a well informed
Choice for the division
But dear Alex Salmond
Is one of the arrogant asses
Views everything English
Thru Tartan tinted glasses
Thursday 18 September 2014.
THE CILLIT BANG GUY
The Cillit Bang guy is
Punting it out here and there
So is Barry Scott now
A soap scum millionaire
THE GIRL WAS PIGEON CHESTED
The girl was pigeon chested
Which wasn't obvious to begin
But once I got her bra off
Both her nipples pointed in
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS
Chocolate coated raisins
I found out today
Can easily be included
As one of your five a day
COUGHS AND SNEEZES
Coughs and sneezes
Spread diseases
Colds and flu
And nasty wheezes
So protect against
Coughs and sneezes
There is one thing
That helps and eases
Have a smoke
To help the wheezes
Choose any brand
Pick one that pleases
So do not fear
Coughs and sneezes
Because smoking stops
Them spreading diseases
It’s alright I haven’t gone mad I was prompted to right this by Bee, who pointed out how strange it was how perceptions of things change over time.
For example Cigarettes were marketed in the 19th century as a cure for amongst other things Asthma and Catarrh.
Now we no different
I KNOW THAT YOU’RE REALLY OLD
I know that you’re really old
But your aging appears static
Which means you must have
A portrait hanging in the attic
JOHN BERCOW
John Bercow has
Got on his high horse
Regarding height-ism
Well I say high horse
I LOVE FOOT PUMPS
I love foot pumps
I think they are really neat
And are particularly good
If you have flat feet
YOU HAVE MADE IT TO THIRTY
You have made it to thirty
And I would just like to say
I have no words of comfort
It IS downhill all the way
YOU ARE 50 YEARS OLD
You are 50 years old
And if I may be so bold
Despite what you were told
The emphasis is on the old
GOOD BYE SCOTLAND GOODBYE
Good Bye Scotland goodbye
Good bye Scotland don't cry
That little Nationalist train
that makes me
Quite happy, no words can tell how glad it makes me
Go now Scotland and then,
We’ll wave goodbye once again.
Hear us all cheer
Without a tear
And if it all goes wrong don’t come back in a year
Good Bye Scotland goodbye.
Good bye Scotland don't cry.
Sung to the tune of Toot Toot Tootsie
THE CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY’S
The Chocolate Strawberry’s
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
May definitely be included
Football Focus
BRAZIL
The Brazil of old
Used to be a team of flow
A samba side with flare
Pass and move, give and go
The modern Brazil
Though, are a team of guile
Deceit and cunning
Replacing the cavalier style
The Twenty fourteen Brazil
Are a team of moments
But if they fail in them
They fail in tournament’s
BRAZIL 1970
The Brazil side was
The best I’ve ever seen
They were the best
Team that’s ever been
Pele, Rivelino and
Jairzinho, Holy Trinity
Of the Champions
In Nineteen seventy
THE MAGYARS CAME TO PLAY
In nineteen fifty three
The Magyars came to play
Bamboozling Billy Wright
The Beckham of his day
When Puskás dragged back
He made Billy Wright esquire
Look like a fire engine
Heading towards the wrong fire
On 25 November 1953, at Wembley Stadium
England 3 Hungary, Ferenc Puskás scored twice
BRAZIL ARE OUT - 2014
Brazil are out
But nobody figured
They’d be well
And truly Müllered
ARGENTINA V HOLLAND – BRAZIL 2014
At last the surprises are over
Forget what has gone before
We got a proper semi final
A complete and utter bore
WORLD CUP FINAL 2014
In big games teams are too afraid
To lose, which is a sin
So just throw caution to the wind
And go for the win
The Brazil of old
Used to be a team of flow
A samba side with flare
Pass and move, give and go
The modern Brazil
Though, are a team of guile
Deceit and cunning
Replacing the cavalier style
The Twenty fourteen Brazil
Are a team of moments
But if they fail in them
They fail in tournament’s
BRAZIL 1970
The Brazil side was
The best I’ve ever seen
They were the best
Team that’s ever been
Pele, Rivelino and
Jairzinho, Holy Trinity
Of the Champions
In Nineteen seventy
THE MAGYARS CAME TO PLAY
In nineteen fifty three
The Magyars came to play
Bamboozling Billy Wright
The Beckham of his day
When Puskás dragged back
He made Billy Wright esquire
Look like a fire engine
Heading towards the wrong fire
On 25 November 1953, at Wembley Stadium
England 3 Hungary, Ferenc Puskás scored twice
BRAZIL ARE OUT - 2014
Brazil are out
But nobody figured
They’d be well
And truly Müllered
ARGENTINA V HOLLAND – BRAZIL 2014
At last the surprises are over
Forget what has gone before
We got a proper semi final
A complete and utter bore
WORLD CUP FINAL 2014
In big games teams are too afraid
To lose, which is a sin
So just throw caution to the wind
And go for the win
Lifes Infinate Variety
AS IVAN ILLICH ONCE WROTE
As Ivan Illich once wrote,
A man clearly cleverer than me
Who stated that within
A consumer society
There are inevitably
Two kinds of slaves
The prisoners of addiction
And the prisoners of envy
MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES
Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years
THE NEEDLES
The needles lie half submerged
Like bleached skeletal vertebrae
Of a long dead sunken beast
That once basked in Alum bay
AS I'VE GROWN OLDER
As I've grown older
I don't question
Myself anymore
I’ve learned to accept
Things about me,
My own shortcomings,
I’ve forgiven myself
I don’t second guess
Or criticise
I even like myself
Like a friend
I’VE LOST TOO MANY
I’ve lost too many
Nearest and dearest
Friends and families
I’ve watched as they
Left this world
One by one.
Each one gone too soon
Before they came to terms
With themselves
As I have done
And felt as free as I
SHE KNOWS NO OTHER COMPANY
She knows no other company
Than her own,
Her only friends
Are heroes and heroines
Of the classic tales
Or message boards
And chat rooms
She never sleeps
And spends her time
Dancing to the old tunes
And weeping over lost love
WHEN I WAS YOUNG
When I was young
I was self-conscious
Walking on the beach
With my shirt off
Now I walk
To the water’s edge
With my abused body
Bulging over my speedos
And I go slowly and deliberately
To the waves
In an act of defiance
And I feel great
As Ivan Illich once wrote,
A man clearly cleverer than me
Who stated that within
A consumer society
There are inevitably
Two kinds of slaves
The prisoners of addiction
And the prisoners of envy
MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES
Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years
THE NEEDLES
The needles lie half submerged
Like bleached skeletal vertebrae
Of a long dead sunken beast
That once basked in Alum bay
AS I'VE GROWN OLDER
As I've grown older
I don't question
Myself anymore
I’ve learned to accept
Things about me,
My own shortcomings,
I’ve forgiven myself
I don’t second guess
Or criticise
I even like myself
Like a friend
I’VE LOST TOO MANY
I’ve lost too many
Nearest and dearest
Friends and families
I’ve watched as they
Left this world
One by one.
Each one gone too soon
Before they came to terms
With themselves
As I have done
And felt as free as I
SHE KNOWS NO OTHER COMPANY
She knows no other company
Than her own,
Her only friends
Are heroes and heroines
Of the classic tales
Or message boards
And chat rooms
She never sleeps
And spends her time
Dancing to the old tunes
And weeping over lost love
WHEN I WAS YOUNG
When I was young
I was self-conscious
Walking on the beach
With my shirt off
Now I walk
To the water’s edge
With my abused body
Bulging over my speedos
And I go slowly and deliberately
To the waves
In an act of defiance
And I feel great
Facets Of War
THE OLD SOLDIER
I don’t bitch and moan
About growing old
To me it’s a privilege
One which was denied to so many
My fallen pals
And the countless foe
Those who never left
The bloody field
Or succumbed to their wounds
Never to return
To a sweethearts arms
Or to sit beside the home fire
So I bare the pains of age
With stoicism
And thank all that’s holy
For my long life
And the fruits of longevity
And keep the memory
In my heart for all the fallen youth
Until I re-join them
INTO THE LANDING CRAFT
As he climbed
Into the landing craft
He was afraid
But not of death
Or of injury
But of fear itself
A paralysing fear
Rendering him inert
Leaving him unable
To do his duty
But above all else
His greatest fear
Was that he would
Let down his lads
PACIFISM IS A NOBLE IDEAL
Pacifism is a noble ideal
A heartfelt principle
Yet when the foul poison
Of the Nazi doctrines
Leached into the world
An internal struggle began
Was the cause to defeat fascism
Greater than pacifist principles
Many took the position
War was the lesser of two evils
But not a decision taken lightly
I don’t bitch and moan
About growing old
To me it’s a privilege
One which was denied to so many
My fallen pals
And the countless foe
Those who never left
The bloody field
Or succumbed to their wounds
Never to return
To a sweethearts arms
Or to sit beside the home fire
So I bare the pains of age
With stoicism
And thank all that’s holy
For my long life
And the fruits of longevity
And keep the memory
In my heart for all the fallen youth
Until I re-join them
INTO THE LANDING CRAFT
As he climbed
Into the landing craft
He was afraid
But not of death
Or of injury
But of fear itself
A paralysing fear
Rendering him inert
Leaving him unable
To do his duty
But above all else
His greatest fear
Was that he would
Let down his lads
PACIFISM IS A NOBLE IDEAL
Pacifism is a noble ideal
A heartfelt principle
Yet when the foul poison
Of the Nazi doctrines
Leached into the world
An internal struggle began
Was the cause to defeat fascism
Greater than pacifist principles
Many took the position
War was the lesser of two evils
But not a decision taken lightly
Tuesday, 8 July 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 66
I DON’T THINK OF YOU AS OLD
I don’t think of you as old
And what I say to everybody
Is you're just a young girl
Trapped in an old ladies body
YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL
You should be more careful
I’ve told you before
Sitting in candlelight
Makes you look like Skeletor
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 2
Don’t be scared of being Forty
Meet the milestone with defiance
You’re no really forty, but eighteen
With twenty two years of experience!
THE PROBLEM WITH LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE
The problem with lying about your age
It’s not the deception you deplore
It’s when they all believe you and
You regret not knocking off some more
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 2
At the age of fifty you're officially
Over the hill, but worse than that
You are partway down the other side
Sorry if that leaves you flat
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 3
Happy fiftieth birthday
I’m sorry but it has to be said
If they were dog years
You’d already be dead
WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS A BIT OF A LAD
When I was young I was a bit of a lad
But now life has caught up with me
It used to be wine, women and song
Now it's beer, the old lady and TV
WHY IS IT WHEN TWO PEOPLE MARRY?
Why is it when two people marry?
It is predestined for him
To never remember birthdays
And for her to never forget them
THE BEST YEARS OF A WOMAN'S LIFE
The best years of a woman's life
Are the ones she feels naughty
And it’s those ten special years
Between thirty nine and forty
MILESTONE 60 # 3
I know it’s a big one
But remember this please
Age really isn't important
Unless you are cheese
I’M QUITE A PHILOSOPHICAL PERSON
I’m quite a philosophical person
So I don’t get phased and accept what life gives
So I think Birthdays are good for you;
Because the more you have the longer you live
DON’T FRET ABOUT GETTING OLD
Don’t fret about getting old
Be philosophical instead
Age is really just a number
Old is only in your head
I GOT A DUAL PURPOSE BIRTHDAY CARD
I got a dual purpose birthday card
The intention was well meant
For a person of your advancing years
With its very high fibre content
WELL YOU’VE REACHED AN AGE
Well you’ve reached an age
So have a happy birthday
So now really spoil yourself
And take two naps today
THINK ABOUT GLOBAL WARNING
Think about global warning
When you look at your cake
Lighting all those candles
Would be a very big mistake
I don’t think of you as old
And what I say to everybody
Is you're just a young girl
Trapped in an old ladies body
YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL
You should be more careful
I’ve told you before
Sitting in candlelight
Makes you look like Skeletor
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 2
Don’t be scared of being Forty
Meet the milestone with defiance
You’re no really forty, but eighteen
With twenty two years of experience!
THE PROBLEM WITH LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE
The problem with lying about your age
It’s not the deception you deplore
It’s when they all believe you and
You regret not knocking off some more
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 2
At the age of fifty you're officially
Over the hill, but worse than that
You are partway down the other side
Sorry if that leaves you flat
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 3
Happy fiftieth birthday
I’m sorry but it has to be said
If they were dog years
You’d already be dead
WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS A BIT OF A LAD
When I was young I was a bit of a lad
But now life has caught up with me
It used to be wine, women and song
Now it's beer, the old lady and TV
WHY IS IT WHEN TWO PEOPLE MARRY?
Why is it when two people marry?
It is predestined for him
To never remember birthdays
And for her to never forget them
THE BEST YEARS OF A WOMAN'S LIFE
The best years of a woman's life
Are the ones she feels naughty
And it’s those ten special years
Between thirty nine and forty
MILESTONE 60 # 3
I know it’s a big one
But remember this please
Age really isn't important
Unless you are cheese
I’M QUITE A PHILOSOPHICAL PERSON
I’m quite a philosophical person
So I don’t get phased and accept what life gives
So I think Birthdays are good for you;
Because the more you have the longer you live
DON’T FRET ABOUT GETTING OLD
Don’t fret about getting old
Be philosophical instead
Age is really just a number
Old is only in your head
I GOT A DUAL PURPOSE BIRTHDAY CARD
I got a dual purpose birthday card
The intention was well meant
For a person of your advancing years
With its very high fibre content
WELL YOU’VE REACHED AN AGE
Well you’ve reached an age
So have a happy birthday
So now really spoil yourself
And take two naps today
THINK ABOUT GLOBAL WARNING
Think about global warning
When you look at your cake
Lighting all those candles
Would be a very big mistake
A Little Bit Of Humour # 65
STAR STRUCK
A contagion struck down
Quentin Tarantino
Now he’s in the hospital
In a tent in quarantino
IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME
If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills
FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH
Forty is the old age of youth
Which all sounds very sage
Whereas after another decade
Fifty is the youth of old age
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 1
You may be 50
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
It’s not as if overnight
You’ve lost your get up and go
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
It is a big number though
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 1
You may be 40
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
You won’t suddenly get all wrinkly
Or ache from head to toe
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You do look old though
OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT OLD
Of course you're not old
Stop making a fuss
You’ve just been young
Longer than most of us.
MILESTONE 60 # 1
You may be 60
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
Think of it as ripening
Don't think of it as a blow,
You won't suddenly look haggard
That happened long ago
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You are an age though
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
Would you like a home cooked meal?
And perhaps a good bottle of wine?
Good I phoned your mother
She said tomorrow at hers is fine
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 1
Happy Birthday, mother dear
May all your wishes come true this year
Apart from the one I will not grant
That one that involves me being pregnant
ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR BY ALL MEANS
Enjoy your birthday this year by all means
Don’t do anything embarrassing at the do
After all you don't have quite as much time
Left to live this one down as you used to.
YES OF COURSE YOU'RE TWENTY NINE
Yes of course you're twenty nine
It’s so totally believable
With me being twenty three
I am naturally a little gullible.
I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY
I heard on the grapevine that your birthday
Was cancelled due to lack of aging!
But now I give you a closer look
I can see that they were exaggerating
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 2
Happy birthday, mother dear
But your dreams won’t come true I fear
The one about the ten grandchildren
I’m gay and I thought I’d made that clear
I UNDERSTAND THAT GETTING OLD TODAY
I understand that getting old today
Can be quite scary, at first anyway
But what's it like now would you say?
MILESTONE 60 # 2
Ok I have to admit it, it’s only fair
I do tend to fall asleep in the chair
But my snoring is really not that bad
Just wait until you’re old like your dad
A contagion struck down
Quentin Tarantino
Now he’s in the hospital
In a tent in quarantino
IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME
If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills
FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH
Forty is the old age of youth
Which all sounds very sage
Whereas after another decade
Fifty is the youth of old age
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 1
You may be 50
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
It’s not as if overnight
You’ve lost your get up and go
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
It is a big number though
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 1
You may be 40
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
You won’t suddenly get all wrinkly
Or ache from head to toe
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You do look old though
OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT OLD
Of course you're not old
Stop making a fuss
You’ve just been young
Longer than most of us.
MILESTONE 60 # 1
You may be 60
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
Think of it as ripening
Don't think of it as a blow,
You won't suddenly look haggard
That happened long ago
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You are an age though
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
Would you like a home cooked meal?
And perhaps a good bottle of wine?
Good I phoned your mother
She said tomorrow at hers is fine
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 1
Happy Birthday, mother dear
May all your wishes come true this year
Apart from the one I will not grant
That one that involves me being pregnant
ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR BY ALL MEANS
Enjoy your birthday this year by all means
Don’t do anything embarrassing at the do
After all you don't have quite as much time
Left to live this one down as you used to.
YES OF COURSE YOU'RE TWENTY NINE
Yes of course you're twenty nine
It’s so totally believable
With me being twenty three
I am naturally a little gullible.
I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY
I heard on the grapevine that your birthday
Was cancelled due to lack of aging!
But now I give you a closer look
I can see that they were exaggerating
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 2
Happy birthday, mother dear
But your dreams won’t come true I fear
The one about the ten grandchildren
I’m gay and I thought I’d made that clear
I UNDERSTAND THAT GETTING OLD TODAY
I understand that getting old today
Can be quite scary, at first anyway
But what's it like now would you say?
MILESTONE 60 # 2
Ok I have to admit it, it’s only fair
I do tend to fall asleep in the chair
But my snoring is really not that bad
Just wait until you’re old like your dad
A Little Bit Of Humour # 64
THE LATEST FOOD SCANDAL
The latest food scandal
Has been the subject of scorn
When Veggie burgers were
Found to contain uni quorn
I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 17
I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make me glum
For example
Hamburgers = Shergars Bum
IN WHICH DIRECTION WILL THE SUN RISE TODAY
“In which direction will the sun rise today?”
At first her question was met with silence
But he explained it always rose in the east
She said “I can’t keep up with all that science”
MY GIRLFRIEND GOT SUNBURNT
My girlfriend got sunburnt
I asked why she didn’t use lotion
She thought she was safe
If her convertible was in motion
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 329
Go to bed first,
A golden purse,
Go to bed second,
A golden pheasant,
Go to bed third,
And be extremely embarrassed
By what you find the other two doing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 330
If wishes were horses,
Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches,
I would wear one by my side.
Or buy a knock off
From the Veg market
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 331
Needles and pins
Needles and pins
When a man marries
His life begins.
Buttons and bows
Buttons and bows
When she marries
Her workload grows
ARE YOU WEARING A CONTROL BODY?
Are you wearing a control body?
It’s shaped you very well clearly
But what I want to know is
What shape are you really?
PICKUP # 13
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Well Baby I don’t mind saying
The way you wear that frock,
That I'm no Fred Flintstone,
But I could make your Bedrock!”
PICKUP # 14
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey honey I can tell straight away
You’re from Tennessee?
And I know that because
You’re the only ten I see!”
SINCE THE FINANCIAL CRASH
Since the financial crash, strict conditions
Must be met before a mortgage is allowed
And some form of insurance is required
And men should be well endowed
I WOULD LIKE TO SHATTER A POPULAR MYTH
I would like to shatter a popular myth
If anyone out there actually cares
It’s in regard to steroids which
Don’t secure the carpet on the stairs
I WAS TOLD ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION WAS
I was told artificial insemination was
When the farmer gave Toro a bit of a pull
Before he does it to the cow instead
But I’m sure that that has to be bull
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF
Contrary to popular belief
In the USA it needs to be said
That a Turbine, is not
What an Arab wears on his head
TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS
I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while
The latest food scandal
Has been the subject of scorn
When Veggie burgers were
Found to contain uni quorn
I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 17
I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make me glum
For example
Hamburgers = Shergars Bum
IN WHICH DIRECTION WILL THE SUN RISE TODAY
“In which direction will the sun rise today?”
At first her question was met with silence
But he explained it always rose in the east
She said “I can’t keep up with all that science”
MY GIRLFRIEND GOT SUNBURNT
My girlfriend got sunburnt
I asked why she didn’t use lotion
She thought she was safe
If her convertible was in motion
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 329
Go to bed first,
A golden purse,
Go to bed second,
A golden pheasant,
Go to bed third,
And be extremely embarrassed
By what you find the other two doing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 330
If wishes were horses,
Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches,
I would wear one by my side.
Or buy a knock off
From the Veg market
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 331
Needles and pins
Needles and pins
When a man marries
His life begins.
Buttons and bows
Buttons and bows
When she marries
Her workload grows
ARE YOU WEARING A CONTROL BODY?
Are you wearing a control body?
It’s shaped you very well clearly
But what I want to know is
What shape are you really?
PICKUP # 13
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Well Baby I don’t mind saying
The way you wear that frock,
That I'm no Fred Flintstone,
But I could make your Bedrock!”
PICKUP # 14
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey honey I can tell straight away
You’re from Tennessee?
And I know that because
You’re the only ten I see!”
SINCE THE FINANCIAL CRASH
Since the financial crash, strict conditions
Must be met before a mortgage is allowed
And some form of insurance is required
And men should be well endowed
I WOULD LIKE TO SHATTER A POPULAR MYTH
I would like to shatter a popular myth
If anyone out there actually cares
It’s in regard to steroids which
Don’t secure the carpet on the stairs
I WAS TOLD ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION WAS
I was told artificial insemination was
When the farmer gave Toro a bit of a pull
Before he does it to the cow instead
But I’m sure that that has to be bull
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF
Contrary to popular belief
In the USA it needs to be said
That a Turbine, is not
What an Arab wears on his head
TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS
I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while
A Little Bit Of Humour # 63
A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014
Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing
I'VE NEVER REALLY DOUBTED YOUR AGE
I've never really doubted your age
But don’t think of it as old age
You were just born ahead of your time!
Way, way, way ahead of your time
CLASSIC, GENUINE AND UNIQUE
They all seem to describe you
As classic, genuine and unique
But what they actually mean is
You’re an original vintage antique
I MAY HAVE GOLD TEETH
I may have gold teeth
Showing when I grin
I may have silver hair
Which is going thin
I will even confess
That I have bronze skin
But I can say that my pencil
Still has plenty of lead in
MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES
Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years
THE MARRIAGE IS OVER BETWEEN KEN AND DINAH
The marriage is over between Ken and Dinah
She divorced him for having sex with a minor
But it was not that he practised paedophilia
His lover was a tin miner from St Minver
POSH AND BECKS LOOKALIKES
Posh and Becks lookalikes
Could be their twin
But they go by the name
Of Thick and Thin
MY DECISION TO BECOME A DOCTOR
My decision to become a doctor
Even though it helped me burgeon
Raised more than a few eyebrows
But then I am a plastic surgeon
ARE YOU WEARING A BOOB TUBE?
Are you wearing a boob tube?
It’s not to my own personal taste
Mainly because I suppose
You’re wearing it around your waist
HOMO ERECTUS
When I get up in the morning gloom
I head straight for the bathroom
Although as I emerge from my coma
Straight is perhaps a misnomer
As I begin in a dwarf like state
Like a prehistoric primate
Becoming upright when I can
So I look like the evolution of man
MORAL DILEMMA
Two men were discussing moral issues
Surrounding the dating game
“I didn't sleep with my wife before
We got married” one explained
“Did you?” he asked the other
“I don’t know, what was her name?”
CHIRRUPING CRICKETS
Chirruping Crickets
Foxes in the thicket
With croaking frogs
And barking dogs
Screeching bats
And yowling cats
We left the ugly city
For peaceful and pretty
Well the country life
Is nothing but strife
FEARFUL BEASTS
I stood stock still and
Feared for my nadgers
When in the presence
Of the honey badgers
HORSE MEAT BURGERS
Horse meat burgers
Are healthier by far
They’re lower in fat
But high in Shergar
ECONOMICAL WITH THE TRUTH
She tells everyone
She’s not even thirty
She’s cute and curvy
Flirty and quirky
Hot and spicy
Pert and perky
A little bit saucy
A little bit dirty
But she must be
Five and thirty
PICKUP # 12
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey baby did you clean
Your pants with Glass Gem?
Because I can practically
See myself in them”
Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing
I'VE NEVER REALLY DOUBTED YOUR AGE
I've never really doubted your age
But don’t think of it as old age
You were just born ahead of your time!
Way, way, way ahead of your time
CLASSIC, GENUINE AND UNIQUE
They all seem to describe you
As classic, genuine and unique
But what they actually mean is
You’re an original vintage antique
I MAY HAVE GOLD TEETH
I may have gold teeth
Showing when I grin
I may have silver hair
Which is going thin
I will even confess
That I have bronze skin
But I can say that my pencil
Still has plenty of lead in
MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES
Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years
THE MARRIAGE IS OVER BETWEEN KEN AND DINAH
The marriage is over between Ken and Dinah
She divorced him for having sex with a minor
But it was not that he practised paedophilia
His lover was a tin miner from St Minver
POSH AND BECKS LOOKALIKES
Posh and Becks lookalikes
Could be their twin
But they go by the name
Of Thick and Thin
MY DECISION TO BECOME A DOCTOR
My decision to become a doctor
Even though it helped me burgeon
Raised more than a few eyebrows
But then I am a plastic surgeon
ARE YOU WEARING A BOOB TUBE?
Are you wearing a boob tube?
It’s not to my own personal taste
Mainly because I suppose
You’re wearing it around your waist
HOMO ERECTUS
When I get up in the morning gloom
I head straight for the bathroom
Although as I emerge from my coma
Straight is perhaps a misnomer
As I begin in a dwarf like state
Like a prehistoric primate
Becoming upright when I can
So I look like the evolution of man
MORAL DILEMMA
Two men were discussing moral issues
Surrounding the dating game
“I didn't sleep with my wife before
We got married” one explained
“Did you?” he asked the other
“I don’t know, what was her name?”
CHIRRUPING CRICKETS
Chirruping Crickets
Foxes in the thicket
With croaking frogs
And barking dogs
Screeching bats
And yowling cats
We left the ugly city
For peaceful and pretty
Well the country life
Is nothing but strife
FEARFUL BEASTS
I stood stock still and
Feared for my nadgers
When in the presence
Of the honey badgers
HORSE MEAT BURGERS
Horse meat burgers
Are healthier by far
They’re lower in fat
But high in Shergar
ECONOMICAL WITH THE TRUTH
She tells everyone
She’s not even thirty
She’s cute and curvy
Flirty and quirky
Hot and spicy
Pert and perky
A little bit saucy
A little bit dirty
But she must be
Five and thirty
PICKUP # 12
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey baby did you clean
Your pants with Glass Gem?
Because I can practically
See myself in them”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 62
THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014
Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no
ROSE HIT VIOLET
Rose hit Violet
Right in the kisser
He has a big mouth
So Rose couldn’t miss her
A MAN WAS TALKING TO AN ACQUAINTANCE
A man was talking to an acquaintance
About the level of maintenance
Required on the average dwelling
Guttering, painting and gardening
The list was endless on their houses
And they admired the work of their spouses
MY HUSBAND HAS LOST THE PLOT
My husband has lost the plot
It’s the worst he’s been so far
He tried to change the TV
Channel with a chocolate bar
PLAYING "COLONEL BOGEY"
Playing "colonel bogey"
I hear the chimes call
Come get an ice cream
Come one and come all
Nothing says it quite like
"Hitler has only got one ball".
MULTITASKING MRS
If women are so good at Multitasking
And men’s failure to is such a crime
Why can’t my wife answer a question?
And watch Corrie at the same time
MY WIFE CAN MULTITASK
My wife can multitask
And here’s the reason and rhyme
She can only multitask
If she does one job at a time
ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS
One of the teams at the Olympics
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper
DID YOU JUST FALL FROM HEAVEN?
“Did you just fall from heaven?”
He asked flattering her just a bit
Yes she replied “I fell from heaven
Then I landed on another soft shit?”
ARE YOU WEARING A MOOB TUBE?
Are you wearing a moob tube?
Well I can’t think what else it could be
Why would you be wearing a life belt?
When we’re seventy miles from the sea
ONLY LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE
Only lie about your age,
In the event of an emergency
For example when you are asked
How old you are sweetie
AT MY ADVANCED AGE
At my advanced age
I've seen it all
I've heard it all
And I’ve done it all
The only problem is
I can remember bugger all
INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON
Someone said to me that
Inside every older person
There is a young person.
But isn’t that cannibalism?
ARE YOU WEARING A SHROUD?
Are you wearing a shroud?
Well I think you should be
Because I think you look like
Death warmed up to me
THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS
There are only two options
In my personal view
So what do you want to do?
You can either continue
To get older or you can die
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
And enjoy your birthday do
PICKUP # 11
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
And you know how they say
The skin is the largest organ?
Not in my case, by a long way”
Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no
ROSE HIT VIOLET
Rose hit Violet
Right in the kisser
He has a big mouth
So Rose couldn’t miss her
A MAN WAS TALKING TO AN ACQUAINTANCE
A man was talking to an acquaintance
About the level of maintenance
Required on the average dwelling
Guttering, painting and gardening
The list was endless on their houses
And they admired the work of their spouses
MY HUSBAND HAS LOST THE PLOT
My husband has lost the plot
It’s the worst he’s been so far
He tried to change the TV
Channel with a chocolate bar
PLAYING "COLONEL BOGEY"
Playing "colonel bogey"
I hear the chimes call
Come get an ice cream
Come one and come all
Nothing says it quite like
"Hitler has only got one ball".
MULTITASKING MRS
If women are so good at Multitasking
And men’s failure to is such a crime
Why can’t my wife answer a question?
And watch Corrie at the same time
MY WIFE CAN MULTITASK
My wife can multitask
And here’s the reason and rhyme
She can only multitask
If she does one job at a time
ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS
One of the teams at the Olympics
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper
DID YOU JUST FALL FROM HEAVEN?
“Did you just fall from heaven?”
He asked flattering her just a bit
Yes she replied “I fell from heaven
Then I landed on another soft shit?”
ARE YOU WEARING A MOOB TUBE?
Are you wearing a moob tube?
Well I can’t think what else it could be
Why would you be wearing a life belt?
When we’re seventy miles from the sea
ONLY LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE
Only lie about your age,
In the event of an emergency
For example when you are asked
How old you are sweetie
AT MY ADVANCED AGE
At my advanced age
I've seen it all
I've heard it all
And I’ve done it all
The only problem is
I can remember bugger all
INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON
Someone said to me that
Inside every older person
There is a young person.
But isn’t that cannibalism?
ARE YOU WEARING A SHROUD?
Are you wearing a shroud?
Well I think you should be
Because I think you look like
Death warmed up to me
THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS
There are only two options
In my personal view
So what do you want to do?
You can either continue
To get older or you can die
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
And enjoy your birthday do
PICKUP # 11
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
And you know how they say
The skin is the largest organ?
Not in my case, by a long way”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 61
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 4
You've reached a milestone
A really significant age
You've joined the over 40's
You have turned a new page
So happy birthday darling
I hope you enjoy your surprise
Because now you’re forty
Your age matches your bust size
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 5
You've reached the big four-0
You're getting old and so
It’s time for you to take it slow
It may not be what you wished
But make up for what you’ve missed
Grab a bottle and then get pissed
I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE THIRTY
I would never have known you were thirty
You're not at all like a thirty year old
You are very youthful in many ways
But the giveaway, if I may be bold
Was not your youthful appearance at all
Your taste in music was your downfall
MILESTONE 60 # 6
Your body is showing signs of wear
But you're still young at heart
And you’re in good shape to be fair
It’s hard to tell that you’re an old fart
AGEING IS LIKE FINE WINE
Ageing is like fine wine
It gets better with age
But in your case
It was corked at some stage
A MAN WALKED INTO A CROWDED BAR
A man walked into a crowded bar
With a loaded gun and shouted
"Who’s been shagging my sister?”
In case his intent was doubted
He raised the gun and took aim
And fired the gun to demonstrate
A lone voice shouted from the back
"You don't have enough bullets mate"
DON’T SEE GROWING OLD AS A NEGATIVE
Don’t see growing old as a negative
Ageing is like fine wine so
It gets better with age,
But you’ve got some way to go
MY SON HAD A EUREKA MOMENT
My son had a eureka moment
And I was quite impressed
He discovered that the volume knob
Could also turn to the left
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BEST SUIT?
Are you wearing your best suit?
Well I am surprised at it to be true
Because you’re now at an age when
Your back goes out more than you do.
GREY HAIR IS NOT A GLORIOUS CROWN
Grey hair is not a glorious crown
Worn by a righteous life
But an unwillingness to buy dye
On the part of my wife
MY WIFE ASKED IF HER APPENDIX SCAR
My wife asked if her appendix scar
Made her look unattractive, a bit
I was quick to dispel any misgivings
She might have in regard to it
And uttered the reassuring words
"Don’t worry love, your tits cover it"
MY WIFE WAS BEING A DRAMA QUEEN
My wife was being a drama queen and said
"I feel like jumping in front of a bus
And you don’t help” So I sent her a timetable
And God did she ever make a fuss
I DON’T DO BANANAS
I don’t do bananas and I don’t do dates
She announced to everyone
Which immediately begged the question
Then what do you do for fun?
SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014
Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food
ROSES ARE VIOLET
Roses are Violet
Violets are Lilac
Lilacs are Roses
And she wants then back
PICKUP # 10
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
Would you like some medical fun?
There are 206 bones in the human body,
Do you want another one?”
You've reached a milestone
A really significant age
You've joined the over 40's
You have turned a new page
So happy birthday darling
I hope you enjoy your surprise
Because now you’re forty
Your age matches your bust size
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 5
You've reached the big four-0
You're getting old and so
It’s time for you to take it slow
It may not be what you wished
But make up for what you’ve missed
Grab a bottle and then get pissed
I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE THIRTY
I would never have known you were thirty
You're not at all like a thirty year old
You are very youthful in many ways
But the giveaway, if I may be bold
Was not your youthful appearance at all
Your taste in music was your downfall
MILESTONE 60 # 6
Your body is showing signs of wear
But you're still young at heart
And you’re in good shape to be fair
It’s hard to tell that you’re an old fart
AGEING IS LIKE FINE WINE
Ageing is like fine wine
It gets better with age
But in your case
It was corked at some stage
A MAN WALKED INTO A CROWDED BAR
A man walked into a crowded bar
With a loaded gun and shouted
"Who’s been shagging my sister?”
In case his intent was doubted
He raised the gun and took aim
And fired the gun to demonstrate
A lone voice shouted from the back
"You don't have enough bullets mate"
DON’T SEE GROWING OLD AS A NEGATIVE
Don’t see growing old as a negative
Ageing is like fine wine so
It gets better with age,
But you’ve got some way to go
MY SON HAD A EUREKA MOMENT
My son had a eureka moment
And I was quite impressed
He discovered that the volume knob
Could also turn to the left
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BEST SUIT?
Are you wearing your best suit?
Well I am surprised at it to be true
Because you’re now at an age when
Your back goes out more than you do.
GREY HAIR IS NOT A GLORIOUS CROWN
Grey hair is not a glorious crown
Worn by a righteous life
But an unwillingness to buy dye
On the part of my wife
MY WIFE ASKED IF HER APPENDIX SCAR
My wife asked if her appendix scar
Made her look unattractive, a bit
I was quick to dispel any misgivings
She might have in regard to it
And uttered the reassuring words
"Don’t worry love, your tits cover it"
MY WIFE WAS BEING A DRAMA QUEEN
My wife was being a drama queen and said
"I feel like jumping in front of a bus
And you don’t help” So I sent her a timetable
And God did she ever make a fuss
I DON’T DO BANANAS
I don’t do bananas and I don’t do dates
She announced to everyone
Which immediately begged the question
Then what do you do for fun?
SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014
Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food
ROSES ARE VIOLET
Roses are Violet
Violets are Lilac
Lilacs are Roses
And she wants then back
PICKUP # 10
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
Would you like some medical fun?
There are 206 bones in the human body,
Do you want another one?”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 60
YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 1
You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
That they act like a hi-vis vest
When you go out at night
YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 2
You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
Is it because you run them thru
The dishwasher at night
I’D LOVE A SECOND HONEYMOON
“I’d love a second honeymoon”
His wife said to him
He replied “what a good idea,
Who will you go with then?”
HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER
He was a serious swimmer
And was in the pool constantly
But his progress was halted
In his lane, by an elderly lady
“How long must I wait?” he asked
She replied “until I finish my pee”
SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 1
She was an old lonely widow
Oft overlooked to be fare
When an elderly friend
Saw her standing there
And walked up behind her
And got his hands on her pair
“Guess who?” The old man said
She replied “I don’t care”
RAMBLING
My wife suddenly announced
“I’ve decided to become a rambler”
Now was that walking or talking
An even money bet for a gambler
MY WIFE HAS WOMEN’S INTUITION
My wife has women’s intuition
So well-tuned is her technique
That she knows I’m wrong
Even before I manage to speak
THESE AREN’T WRINKLES
“These aren’t wrinkles” she said
“They’re laughter lines honey”
I said “I didn’t hear the joke,
But it must have been really funny”
SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 2
She was an old lonely widow
Who you’d only bed for a bet
So she kept filling his glass
Periodically asking “Am I sexy yet?”
HIS MOUSTACHE WAS SO UNTIDY
His moustache was so untidy
It was quite difficult to see
Exactly where it grows,
On his lip or from his nose
THE MAN-O-GRAM
I left the county hospital
In some considerable distress
They made me put my todger
Inside a bloody trouser press
WHEN I WALKED INTO MY FRIEND’S HOUSE
When I walked into my friend’s house
I can’t describe the mess I found
I thought it had been burgled, but
His grandchildren had been round
WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ROOM
When I walked into the room
I can’t describe the mess
I thought it had been burgled
It’s because he’s a student I guess
AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014
Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players
VIOLET HIT ROSE
Violet hit Rose
Square on the nose
She lost the plot
And Rose cried a lot
Noses have bled
Eyes they are red
Violet you’re blue
But what did I do?
PICKUP # 9
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“You work at subway,
If I’m not wrong”
“And I know that because
You just gave me a footlong”
You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
That they act like a hi-vis vest
When you go out at night
YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 2
You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
Is it because you run them thru
The dishwasher at night
I’D LOVE A SECOND HONEYMOON
“I’d love a second honeymoon”
His wife said to him
He replied “what a good idea,
Who will you go with then?”
HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER
He was a serious swimmer
And was in the pool constantly
But his progress was halted
In his lane, by an elderly lady
“How long must I wait?” he asked
She replied “until I finish my pee”
SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 1
She was an old lonely widow
Oft overlooked to be fare
When an elderly friend
Saw her standing there
And walked up behind her
And got his hands on her pair
“Guess who?” The old man said
She replied “I don’t care”
RAMBLING
My wife suddenly announced
“I’ve decided to become a rambler”
Now was that walking or talking
An even money bet for a gambler
MY WIFE HAS WOMEN’S INTUITION
My wife has women’s intuition
So well-tuned is her technique
That she knows I’m wrong
Even before I manage to speak
THESE AREN’T WRINKLES
“These aren’t wrinkles” she said
“They’re laughter lines honey”
I said “I didn’t hear the joke,
But it must have been really funny”
SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 2
She was an old lonely widow
Who you’d only bed for a bet
So she kept filling his glass
Periodically asking “Am I sexy yet?”
HIS MOUSTACHE WAS SO UNTIDY
His moustache was so untidy
It was quite difficult to see
Exactly where it grows,
On his lip or from his nose
THE MAN-O-GRAM
I left the county hospital
In some considerable distress
They made me put my todger
Inside a bloody trouser press
WHEN I WALKED INTO MY FRIEND’S HOUSE
When I walked into my friend’s house
I can’t describe the mess I found
I thought it had been burgled, but
His grandchildren had been round
WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ROOM
When I walked into the room
I can’t describe the mess
I thought it had been burgled
It’s because he’s a student I guess
AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014
Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players
VIOLET HIT ROSE
Violet hit Rose
Square on the nose
She lost the plot
And Rose cried a lot
Noses have bled
Eyes they are red
Violet you’re blue
But what did I do?
PICKUP # 9
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“You work at subway,
If I’m not wrong”
“And I know that because
You just gave me a footlong”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 59
HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014
England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort
ROSES ARE BLUE
Roses are Blue
I can see them on view
Rose you are red
Was it something I said?
MILESTONE 60 # 5
Wow you look good for your age
And it was hard for me to gauge
But what proves you are an old man
Is that you’re a Jim Reeves fan
ARE YOU WEARING GROWNUP CLOTHES?
Are you wearing grownup clothes?
No! My youth is not done
Growing up is for trees
I’ll stay young and have fun
ARE YOU WEARING ADULT CLOTHES?
Are you wearing adult clothes?
Growing up is such a crime
I know you are only young once,
But you can be immature for a lifetime
MILESTONE 70 # 1
If I'd realised I was going
To live beyond my sixties
I'd have taken better care
Of myself in the sixties
I CONCENTRATE, EVERY SECOND
I concentrate, every second
I can never slack
Once my dad let his mind wander,
And it never came back
MILESTONE 70 # 2
You gain knowledge, dignity
Tolerance and serenity
As you get older without a doubt
And then your teeth fall out.
ARE YOU WEARING OLD MAN CLOTHES?
Are you wearing old man clothes?
Why for pity sake old pal
Growing old is mandatory.
But growing up is optional
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES?
Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Do something old
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT?
Are you wearing your birthday suit?
This will probably be, old lad
Your best birthday ever
With all the practice you've had
I FIND MODERN LIVING HARD TO FATHOM
I find modern living hard to fathom
As life throws up unlikely pairs
For few women admit their age
And even fewer men act theirs
FORGETFUL
I forget names; I forget faces;
I even forget to zip up my fly
But by far the worst thing
Is forgetting to unzip your fly
THE SILVER VOTERS
The nations older aged voters
Are not that easy to impress
Because as you grow older
You stand for more and fall for less
ARE YOU WEARING CUSTODIAL WEAR?
Are you wearing custodial wear?
And that must be three days
You must stop thinking about prisons
Your mind works in Strangeways
England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort
ROSES ARE BLUE
Roses are Blue
I can see them on view
Rose you are red
Was it something I said?
MILESTONE 60 # 5
Wow you look good for your age
And it was hard for me to gauge
But what proves you are an old man
Is that you’re a Jim Reeves fan
ARE YOU WEARING GROWNUP CLOTHES?
Are you wearing grownup clothes?
No! My youth is not done
Growing up is for trees
I’ll stay young and have fun
ARE YOU WEARING ADULT CLOTHES?
Are you wearing adult clothes?
Growing up is such a crime
I know you are only young once,
But you can be immature for a lifetime
MILESTONE 70 # 1
If I'd realised I was going
To live beyond my sixties
I'd have taken better care
Of myself in the sixties
I CONCENTRATE, EVERY SECOND
I concentrate, every second
I can never slack
Once my dad let his mind wander,
And it never came back
MILESTONE 70 # 2
You gain knowledge, dignity
Tolerance and serenity
As you get older without a doubt
And then your teeth fall out.
ARE YOU WEARING OLD MAN CLOTHES?
Are you wearing old man clothes?
Why for pity sake old pal
Growing old is mandatory.
But growing up is optional
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES?
Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Do something old
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT?
Are you wearing your birthday suit?
This will probably be, old lad
Your best birthday ever
With all the practice you've had
I FIND MODERN LIVING HARD TO FATHOM
I find modern living hard to fathom
As life throws up unlikely pairs
For few women admit their age
And even fewer men act theirs
FORGETFUL
I forget names; I forget faces;
I even forget to zip up my fly
But by far the worst thing
Is forgetting to unzip your fly
THE SILVER VOTERS
The nations older aged voters
Are not that easy to impress
Because as you grow older
You stand for more and fall for less
ARE YOU WEARING CUSTODIAL WEAR?
Are you wearing custodial wear?
And that must be three days
You must stop thinking about prisons
Your mind works in Strangeways
A Little Bit Of Humour # 58
ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014
There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit
ROSES ARE RED
Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Show us your tatt
I bet it’s a beauty.
ONE POTATO TWO POTATO
Roast potato
New potato
Boiled potato
Sure
Mashed potato
Waffled potato
Baked potato
More
Wedges with dips
Hash browns and Chips
You should eat your fill
Of the Dublin mixed grill
THE EVOLUTION OF MAN
From good boy
To a nice kid
A promising start
Then from a great guy
To a fine man
And finally an old fart
YOU ARE PASSED YOUR PRIME
You're not really old, though
You are passed your prime
But you’ve not been young
For a very, very long time
WITH OLD AGE COMES WISDOM
With old age comes wisdom
Which is enlightening
And we learn to avoid
Things that maybe frightening
Like choosing candlelight
Instead of fluorescent lighting
DON’T PLAY SECOND FIDDLE
Don’t play second fiddle
Don’t be a mistress, be a wife
You must always be
The leading lady in your own life
UNDER ANY CONCEIVABLE CIRCUMSTANCE
Under any conceivable circumstance
I wouldn’t hesitate to admit
I would much rather be over the hill
Than find myself under it
MY GRANDDAD WAS WONDERFUL
My Granddad was wonderful
He always smiled and never frowned
He’d always have a treat for me
He was Father Christmas all year round
OLD GEEZER FOR SALE
50 year old,
Needs TLC, well used
One previous owner
No reasonable offer refused
I DOUBT IT BUT IF IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE
I doubt it but if it’s actually true,
And it’s not an exaggeration,
And things do get better with age
Then I must have reached perfection
IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE
In the nineties we all loved to dance along to
Billy Ray Cyrus and his “Achy Breaky Heart”
Now I’m approaching my seventies I've got
Achy, breaky everything and I’m falling apart
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 3
You’re forty years old
Which is when, they say
Life begins for you
On that most special day
But if you drink too much
You will certainly pay
Because now you’re old
You’ll be hungover all day
THE YOUNG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
The young beautiful people
Think they are acts of nature,
But the beautiful old people
Know they’re works of art for sure
MILESTONE 60 # 4
I don’t want you to think that today
I think of you as a little older
I wouldn’t think that on your birthday
Actually I think of you as a lot older
There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit
ROSES ARE RED
Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Show us your tatt
I bet it’s a beauty.
ONE POTATO TWO POTATO
Roast potato
New potato
Boiled potato
Sure
Mashed potato
Waffled potato
Baked potato
More
Wedges with dips
Hash browns and Chips
You should eat your fill
Of the Dublin mixed grill
THE EVOLUTION OF MAN
From good boy
To a nice kid
A promising start
Then from a great guy
To a fine man
And finally an old fart
YOU ARE PASSED YOUR PRIME
You're not really old, though
You are passed your prime
But you’ve not been young
For a very, very long time
WITH OLD AGE COMES WISDOM
With old age comes wisdom
Which is enlightening
And we learn to avoid
Things that maybe frightening
Like choosing candlelight
Instead of fluorescent lighting
DON’T PLAY SECOND FIDDLE
Don’t play second fiddle
Don’t be a mistress, be a wife
You must always be
The leading lady in your own life
UNDER ANY CONCEIVABLE CIRCUMSTANCE
Under any conceivable circumstance
I wouldn’t hesitate to admit
I would much rather be over the hill
Than find myself under it
MY GRANDDAD WAS WONDERFUL
My Granddad was wonderful
He always smiled and never frowned
He’d always have a treat for me
He was Father Christmas all year round
OLD GEEZER FOR SALE
50 year old,
Needs TLC, well used
One previous owner
No reasonable offer refused
I DOUBT IT BUT IF IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE
I doubt it but if it’s actually true,
And it’s not an exaggeration,
And things do get better with age
Then I must have reached perfection
IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE
In the nineties we all loved to dance along to
Billy Ray Cyrus and his “Achy Breaky Heart”
Now I’m approaching my seventies I've got
Achy, breaky everything and I’m falling apart
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 3
You’re forty years old
Which is when, they say
Life begins for you
On that most special day
But if you drink too much
You will certainly pay
Because now you’re old
You’ll be hungover all day
THE YOUNG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
The young beautiful people
Think they are acts of nature,
But the beautiful old people
Know they’re works of art for sure
MILESTONE 60 # 4
I don’t want you to think that today
I think of you as a little older
I wouldn’t think that on your birthday
Actually I think of you as a lot older
A Little Bit Of Humour # 57
ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014
You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A
THE DIVORCE COURT JUDGE SAID
The divorce Court Judge said “Mr. Curtis,
I have decided to give your wife £500 a week”
“That’s very fair, your honour,' Mr Curtis said
“I can manage a few quid myself at a squeak”
WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES
We were shopping for holiday clothes
And we were very nearly done
When my wife reached the swimwear
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
She asked me so I replied “get a bikini”
'You will never get it all in one”
THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE WAS OVER
The graveside service was over,
When there was a clap of thunder,
Followed by a bolt of lightning,
Then a louder clap of thunder
The old man turned and said
“Well she’s arrived then Vicar”
DARLING LET ME JUST SAY THIS
Darling let me just say this
For your future information
If you expect me to follow
The flow of the conversation
Then you must at least try
Whenever possible, please say
Whatever you have to say
During the commercials, ok?
LISTEN I AM NOT A MIND READER
Listen I am not a mind reader
And I never will be to be fare
But if I ask you what is wrong
My lack of mind-reading skills
Does not prove that I don’t care
IF I ASK YOU WHAT IS WRONG
If I ask you what is wrong
And you reply “nothing’s wrong”
I will act as if nothing’s wrong
Even though I know you are lying
I will not continue prying
It’s just not worth the hassle trying
IF YOU ASK A QUESTION
If you ask a question, you
Don’t want an answer to,
Then to be perfectly clear
Expect an answer you don't want to hear
IF SOMETHING I SAID, CAN BE
If something I said, can be
Interpreted two ways, and one
Of the ways makes you sad or angry,
I meant the other one
WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE
When we have to go somewhere,
Then absolutely anything, to be fair
Is honestly fine for you wear
BEER AND FOOTBALL
Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really
I WENT TO A POSH JEWELLER
I went to a posh jeweller to buy a new watch,
And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch
So he said “Analogue” I replied “No, just a watch"
AN UNSUSPECTING PENSIONER
An unsuspecting pensioner
Was approached by a professional begger
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself dear," she says
YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE
You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother
BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014
The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”
You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A
THE DIVORCE COURT JUDGE SAID
The divorce Court Judge said “Mr. Curtis,
I have decided to give your wife £500 a week”
“That’s very fair, your honour,' Mr Curtis said
“I can manage a few quid myself at a squeak”
WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES
We were shopping for holiday clothes
And we were very nearly done
When my wife reached the swimwear
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
She asked me so I replied “get a bikini”
'You will never get it all in one”
THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE WAS OVER
The graveside service was over,
When there was a clap of thunder,
Followed by a bolt of lightning,
Then a louder clap of thunder
The old man turned and said
“Well she’s arrived then Vicar”
DARLING LET ME JUST SAY THIS
Darling let me just say this
For your future information
If you expect me to follow
The flow of the conversation
Then you must at least try
Whenever possible, please say
Whatever you have to say
During the commercials, ok?
LISTEN I AM NOT A MIND READER
Listen I am not a mind reader
And I never will be to be fare
But if I ask you what is wrong
My lack of mind-reading skills
Does not prove that I don’t care
IF I ASK YOU WHAT IS WRONG
If I ask you what is wrong
And you reply “nothing’s wrong”
I will act as if nothing’s wrong
Even though I know you are lying
I will not continue prying
It’s just not worth the hassle trying
IF YOU ASK A QUESTION
If you ask a question, you
Don’t want an answer to,
Then to be perfectly clear
Expect an answer you don't want to hear
IF SOMETHING I SAID, CAN BE
If something I said, can be
Interpreted two ways, and one
Of the ways makes you sad or angry,
I meant the other one
WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE
When we have to go somewhere,
Then absolutely anything, to be fair
Is honestly fine for you wear
BEER AND FOOTBALL
Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really
I WENT TO A POSH JEWELLER
I went to a posh jeweller to buy a new watch,
And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch
So he said “Analogue” I replied “No, just a watch"
AN UNSUSPECTING PENSIONER
An unsuspecting pensioner
Was approached by a professional begger
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself dear," she says
YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE
You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother
BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014
The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 56
SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 2
She chose to wear Beige
For an event of some Grandeur
Amidst the glitz and the glamour
She was in a state of blandeur
AFTER HENRI HAD BEEN TO THE DENTIST
After Henri had been
To the dentist his mouth
Was fresh and clean
But undid all the good work
By gargling garlic
Flavoured Listerine
I HATE TO WATCH YOU SPRING-CLEANING
I hate to watch you spring-cleaning
When you mutter like a nutter
Sorting through your wardrobe
As you De-clutter your schmutter
ARE YOU WEARING A DUMB EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a dumb expression?
You certainly look like a schmuck
Not that I’m not saying you’re stupid
Where thinking is concerned you’ve had no luck
THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR
The Slimmer of the year
To her absolute surprise
Was last night presented
With the no Belly Prize
ARE YOU WEARING VOMIT IN YOUR HAIR?
Are you wearing vomit in your hair?
I fear it is a look that won’t be diminished
I've learned that you can keep on vomiting
Long after you think that you're finished
IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME
It suddenly dawned on me,
It couldn’t have been clearer
Than the blast of a trumpet
It was so obvious in fact
It was as plain an indication as
An ankle bracelet on a strumpet
A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED
A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan
MY WIFE GOT ME TO BELIEVE IN RELIGION
My wife got me to believe in religion
Not something you could foretell
But it was true because until
I married her I didn't believe in Hell
WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?
“Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'
The young schoolboy asked his father
“Well son as I still have mine” he said
“You obviously got it from your mother”
THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR
The Emergency Room doctor said
“I don't like the look of your wife at all sir”
“Nor me” he agreed “But she can cook,
Do the decorating and the kids like her”
AIRPORT AIRHEAD
Bimbette called the Airport and asked
“How long will it take to fly from London
To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”
“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone
AN OLD MAN GOES TO SEE A WIZARD
An old man goes to see a Wizard
To ask him to remove a curse
That had been on him forty years
The wizard said he was not averse
But he needed the words of the curse
To remove the cause of his strife
The man said I know them off by heart
“I now pronounce you man and wife”
THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE
There was a murder in a Norfolk village
But the police are struggling to solve it
In fact they can’t even identify the body
Despite the corpse having an additional digit
The DNA matches everyone in the village
And dental records aren’t helping a bit
A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY
A man recovering from surgery was asked
By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”
“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word
Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”
“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.
The man went very pale and then said “Oops!”
She chose to wear Beige
For an event of some Grandeur
Amidst the glitz and the glamour
She was in a state of blandeur
AFTER HENRI HAD BEEN TO THE DENTIST
After Henri had been
To the dentist his mouth
Was fresh and clean
But undid all the good work
By gargling garlic
Flavoured Listerine
I HATE TO WATCH YOU SPRING-CLEANING
I hate to watch you spring-cleaning
When you mutter like a nutter
Sorting through your wardrobe
As you De-clutter your schmutter
ARE YOU WEARING A DUMB EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a dumb expression?
You certainly look like a schmuck
Not that I’m not saying you’re stupid
Where thinking is concerned you’ve had no luck
THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR
The Slimmer of the year
To her absolute surprise
Was last night presented
With the no Belly Prize
ARE YOU WEARING VOMIT IN YOUR HAIR?
Are you wearing vomit in your hair?
I fear it is a look that won’t be diminished
I've learned that you can keep on vomiting
Long after you think that you're finished
IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME
It suddenly dawned on me,
It couldn’t have been clearer
Than the blast of a trumpet
It was so obvious in fact
It was as plain an indication as
An ankle bracelet on a strumpet
A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED
A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan
MY WIFE GOT ME TO BELIEVE IN RELIGION
My wife got me to believe in religion
Not something you could foretell
But it was true because until
I married her I didn't believe in Hell
WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?
“Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'
The young schoolboy asked his father
“Well son as I still have mine” he said
“You obviously got it from your mother”
THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR
The Emergency Room doctor said
“I don't like the look of your wife at all sir”
“Nor me” he agreed “But she can cook,
Do the decorating and the kids like her”
AIRPORT AIRHEAD
Bimbette called the Airport and asked
“How long will it take to fly from London
To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”
“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone
AN OLD MAN GOES TO SEE A WIZARD
An old man goes to see a Wizard
To ask him to remove a curse
That had been on him forty years
The wizard said he was not averse
But he needed the words of the curse
To remove the cause of his strife
The man said I know them off by heart
“I now pronounce you man and wife”
THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE
There was a murder in a Norfolk village
But the police are struggling to solve it
In fact they can’t even identify the body
Despite the corpse having an additional digit
The DNA matches everyone in the village
And dental records aren’t helping a bit
A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY
A man recovering from surgery was asked
By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”
“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word
Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”
“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.
The man went very pale and then said “Oops!”
Friday, 27 June 2014
A Little Bit Of Sport
TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS
I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while
ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014
You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A
BEER AND FOOTBALL
Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really
ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014
There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit
YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE
You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother
BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014
The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”
IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME
If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills
AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014
Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players
HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014
England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort
A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014
Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing
THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014
Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no
A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED
A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan
SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014
Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food
I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while
ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014
You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A
BEER AND FOOTBALL
Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really
ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014
There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit
YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE
You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother
BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014
The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”
IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME
If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills
AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014
Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players
HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014
England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort
A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014
Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing
THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014
Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no
A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED
A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan
SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014
Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food
Friday, 23 May 2014
True Nature # 3
BLUEBELLS IN THE WOOD
Bluebells in the wood
Sway in the dappled shade
To the tune of Spring
THISTLEDOWN, IN IDLE FLIGHT
Thistledown, in idle flight
Drifts upon the highland wind
Like ancestral spirits
BATHED IN SUMMER SUNSHINE
Bathed in summer sunshine
Gentle breezes stir the stems
But above in the golden sun
Grow an array of perfect gems
ICE AND RAIN
Ice and rain
Sleet and hail
Storm and tempest
Wind and gale
The rugged rock
Cannot prevail
THE SUMMER IS ENDING
The summer is ending
The flowers are dying
The meadows are still
And the geese are flying
SUMMER FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING
Summer flowers are blooming
In the scented meadows
Are the sun slowly sets
Lengthening the shadows
THE PEACEFUL VILLAGE
The peaceful village
In the frozen valley
Lay quietly beneath
Its winter cloak
BENDING IN THE BREEZE
Bending in the breeze
White stalks sway
Flower heads dancing
On a summer day
THE WINTER LAND LIES
The winter land lies
In suspended animation
Part of life’s eternal cycle
And with it, paused
Is its Infinite variety
But As the earth turns
Mother natures seed waits
Beneath the February snows
VOLCANOES ARE TERRIFYING
Volcanoes are terrifying
Just the thought of them is frightful
But pyroclastic eruptions
That’s just Nature at its most spiteful
Bluebells in the wood
Sway in the dappled shade
To the tune of Spring
THISTLEDOWN, IN IDLE FLIGHT
Thistledown, in idle flight
Drifts upon the highland wind
Like ancestral spirits
BATHED IN SUMMER SUNSHINE
Bathed in summer sunshine
Gentle breezes stir the stems
But above in the golden sun
Grow an array of perfect gems
ICE AND RAIN
Ice and rain
Sleet and hail
Storm and tempest
Wind and gale
The rugged rock
Cannot prevail
THE SUMMER IS ENDING
The summer is ending
The flowers are dying
The meadows are still
And the geese are flying
SUMMER FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING
Summer flowers are blooming
In the scented meadows
Are the sun slowly sets
Lengthening the shadows
THE PEACEFUL VILLAGE
The peaceful village
In the frozen valley
Lay quietly beneath
Its winter cloak
BENDING IN THE BREEZE
Bending in the breeze
White stalks sway
Flower heads dancing
On a summer day
THE WINTER LAND LIES
The winter land lies
In suspended animation
Part of life’s eternal cycle
And with it, paused
Is its Infinite variety
But As the earth turns
Mother natures seed waits
Beneath the February snows
VOLCANOES ARE TERRIFYING
Volcanoes are terrifying
Just the thought of them is frightful
But pyroclastic eruptions
That’s just Nature at its most spiteful
A Mixed Bag of Poems
AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR
At the eleventh hour
On the eleventh day
Of the eleventh month
We heard the generals say
You can go home now lads
To the land you’ve defended
Thank God one and all
That the madness has ended
MICHAELMAS DAISY
Lovely Miss Aster,
My flower girl Maisie
My natural beauty
I love her like crazy
My own precious
Michaelmas Daisy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD
Happy birthday dad
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978
DANCING PIXIES IN THE GREEN
Dancing pixies in the green
And sparkling water sprites
Oft heard but never seen
Bathing in the morning light
DEATH IN THE SHADOWS
Death in the shadows
Grim reaper take flight
Don’t let me be the one
You’re coming for tonight
PEBBLES SMOOTH
Pebbles smooth,
Like crude glass
Smoothed by nature
Time and tide
Its patterned form
Marbled in style
Sits comfortably
In the fingers
To be skimmed
Back to the ocean
I HEAR A SINGING CHILD
I hear a singing child
Innocently engrossed
In childish play
Singing sweetly
To her audience of dolls
Safely oblivious
In her enchanted world
Would that it could
Always be that way
DEAR OSCAR
He was witty
Blessed with a fine mind
A bel esprit
And was the clever kind
MICHAELMAS DAY
Feast of the Archangels
As the autumn equinox nears
Michaelmas marks the turning
Of the husbandman's year
29th September
THE SCULPTOR CREATES
The sculptor creates
With skilful hands
The beauteous article
An artistic gift
Its concept borrowed
From his dreams
And his subconscious mind
To infuse in his design
And create a work of art
DREDGING IS NO SILVER BULLET
Dredging is no silver bullet
Is the word coming from their ranks
But at least it would be something
To prevent rivers bursting their banks
While the environment agency
Just blindly keep on firing blanks
SLAVERY WAS BORN OF EMPIRE
Slavery was born of Empire
But not a European one
Slavery existed for centuries
In fact thousands of years
Way before Europe rose to the fore
Even the Romans came late to the party
Following in Greece’s footsteps
Peoples were enslaved
From around the globe
Where there were trade routes
There was slaving
Arabs traded slaves bought
From African tribesmen
Muslims enslaved slavs
Turks enslaved Ukrainians
Mongols reached into the heart of Europe
And took slaves by the thousand
White Europeans became involved
Black enslaved black
White has enslaved white
I don’t know if it will ever end
I certainly hope so
But what I do know is
That the British didn’t invent it
ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES
Original Fairy Tales
Were not devised
To scare children
And inform them
That monsters existed
Children already knew
There were monsters
What Fairy Tales did
Was to teach children
That monsters
Could be beaten
NAZISM WAS LIKE A CANCER
Nazism was like a cancer
Spread across the continent
And when Hitler was defeated
It was not a cure, for the cancer
Was merely in remission
At the eleventh hour
On the eleventh day
Of the eleventh month
We heard the generals say
You can go home now lads
To the land you’ve defended
Thank God one and all
That the madness has ended
MICHAELMAS DAISY
Lovely Miss Aster,
My flower girl Maisie
My natural beauty
I love her like crazy
My own precious
Michaelmas Daisy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD
Happy birthday dad
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978
DANCING PIXIES IN THE GREEN
Dancing pixies in the green
And sparkling water sprites
Oft heard but never seen
Bathing in the morning light
DEATH IN THE SHADOWS
Death in the shadows
Grim reaper take flight
Don’t let me be the one
You’re coming for tonight
PEBBLES SMOOTH
Pebbles smooth,
Like crude glass
Smoothed by nature
Time and tide
Its patterned form
Marbled in style
Sits comfortably
In the fingers
To be skimmed
Back to the ocean
I HEAR A SINGING CHILD
I hear a singing child
Innocently engrossed
In childish play
Singing sweetly
To her audience of dolls
Safely oblivious
In her enchanted world
Would that it could
Always be that way
DEAR OSCAR
He was witty
Blessed with a fine mind
A bel esprit
And was the clever kind
MICHAELMAS DAY
Feast of the Archangels
As the autumn equinox nears
Michaelmas marks the turning
Of the husbandman's year
29th September
THE SCULPTOR CREATES
The sculptor creates
With skilful hands
The beauteous article
An artistic gift
Its concept borrowed
From his dreams
And his subconscious mind
To infuse in his design
And create a work of art
DREDGING IS NO SILVER BULLET
Dredging is no silver bullet
Is the word coming from their ranks
But at least it would be something
To prevent rivers bursting their banks
While the environment agency
Just blindly keep on firing blanks
SLAVERY WAS BORN OF EMPIRE
Slavery was born of Empire
But not a European one
Slavery existed for centuries
In fact thousands of years
Way before Europe rose to the fore
Even the Romans came late to the party
Following in Greece’s footsteps
Peoples were enslaved
From around the globe
Where there were trade routes
There was slaving
Arabs traded slaves bought
From African tribesmen
Muslims enslaved slavs
Turks enslaved Ukrainians
Mongols reached into the heart of Europe
And took slaves by the thousand
White Europeans became involved
Black enslaved black
White has enslaved white
I don’t know if it will ever end
I certainly hope so
But what I do know is
That the British didn’t invent it
ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES
Original Fairy Tales
Were not devised
To scare children
And inform them
That monsters existed
Children already knew
There were monsters
What Fairy Tales did
Was to teach children
That monsters
Could be beaten
NAZISM WAS LIKE A CANCER
Nazism was like a cancer
Spread across the continent
And when Hitler was defeated
It was not a cure, for the cancer
Was merely in remission
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
Walk with God
THE CHARGE OF THE DARK BRIGADE
The scroll of the seven seals
Rested in God's right hand
Until he bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the first seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a white horse
Bearing the conqueror
Carrying a bow,
And wearing a victor's crown
God then bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the second seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a red horse
Bearing the warrior
Carrying a sword
And wielding the power
To take peace from the world
God then bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the third seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a black horse
Bearing the bringer of famine
Carrying a set of scales
Finally he bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the fourth seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a pale horse
Bearing the a rider called death
With hell close behind him
With power over a quarter of the earth
To kill by sword, famine, plague,
And by the wild beasts of the earth.
The four apocalyptic horsemen rode forth
On the charge of the dark brigade
FLAXEN HAIRED ANGEL
Flaxen haired angel
Spellbinding in white
Exuding purest love
And Gods sublime light
Spread your wings
For heavenly flight
CANDLE OF HIS LIGHT
Candle of His light
Cast your goodness
In your steady glow
Across the sinful world
And bath us in love
HELL DOES NOT HAVE TO BE
Hell does not have to be
A fiery pit of brimstone
Hell is merely
The absence of God
BE AT PEACE WITH LIFE
Be at peace with life
Live in the light
For although they
Are out of sight
We are in safe hands
Both day and night
As they walk among us
The Angels of the light
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Archangel Michael
Lucifer’s nemesis
Angelic warrior
In the war in heaven
Protector against
The dark of night
GOD’S ETERNAL LIGHT
God’s eternal light
Illuminates the starkness
Dispelling evil
In the invading darkness
HOLY UNMERCENARIES
Holy unmercenaries
Is an epithet applying to
Christian saints,
Who did not accept
Payment of any kind
For good deeds done
Which is I think the very least
One should expect from a saint
PALM SUNDAY OF THE PASSION OF THE LORD
With the Roman Rite
Of Palm Sunday
Or Passion Sunday
Holy Week begins
Marking the humble entrance
Of the Messiah
Into Jerusalem on a donkey,
So he could accomplish
His paschal mystery,
But Palm Sunday
Also marks with the
Blessing of palm leaves
The beginning
Of his journey to the cross
The scroll of the seven seals
Rested in God's right hand
Until he bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the first seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a white horse
Bearing the conqueror
Carrying a bow,
And wearing a victor's crown
God then bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the second seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a red horse
Bearing the warrior
Carrying a sword
And wielding the power
To take peace from the world
God then bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the third seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a black horse
Bearing the bringer of famine
Carrying a set of scales
Finally he bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the fourth seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a pale horse
Bearing the a rider called death
With hell close behind him
With power over a quarter of the earth
To kill by sword, famine, plague,
And by the wild beasts of the earth.
The four apocalyptic horsemen rode forth
On the charge of the dark brigade
FLAXEN HAIRED ANGEL
Flaxen haired angel
Spellbinding in white
Exuding purest love
And Gods sublime light
Spread your wings
For heavenly flight
CANDLE OF HIS LIGHT
Candle of His light
Cast your goodness
In your steady glow
Across the sinful world
And bath us in love
HELL DOES NOT HAVE TO BE
Hell does not have to be
A fiery pit of brimstone
Hell is merely
The absence of God
BE AT PEACE WITH LIFE
Be at peace with life
Live in the light
For although they
Are out of sight
We are in safe hands
Both day and night
As they walk among us
The Angels of the light
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Archangel Michael
Lucifer’s nemesis
Angelic warrior
In the war in heaven
Protector against
The dark of night
GOD’S ETERNAL LIGHT
God’s eternal light
Illuminates the starkness
Dispelling evil
In the invading darkness
HOLY UNMERCENARIES
Holy unmercenaries
Is an epithet applying to
Christian saints,
Who did not accept
Payment of any kind
For good deeds done
Which is I think the very least
One should expect from a saint
PALM SUNDAY OF THE PASSION OF THE LORD
With the Roman Rite
Of Palm Sunday
Or Passion Sunday
Holy Week begins
Marking the humble entrance
Of the Messiah
Into Jerusalem on a donkey,
So he could accomplish
His paschal mystery,
But Palm Sunday
Also marks with the
Blessing of palm leaves
The beginning
Of his journey to the cross
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