A Little Bit Of Humour # 63

A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014

Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing

I'VE NEVER REALLY DOUBTED YOUR AGE

I've never really doubted your age
But don’t think of it as old age
You were just born ahead of your time!
Way, way, way ahead of your time

CLASSIC, GENUINE AND UNIQUE

They all seem to describe you
As classic, genuine and unique
But what they actually mean is
You’re an original vintage antique

I MAY HAVE GOLD TEETH

I may have gold teeth
Showing when I grin
I may have silver hair
Which is going thin
I will even confess
That I have bronze skin
But I can say that my pencil
Still has plenty of lead in

MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES

Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years

THE MARRIAGE IS OVER BETWEEN KEN AND DINAH

The marriage is over between Ken and Dinah
She divorced him for having sex with a minor
But it was not that he practised paedophilia
His lover was a tin miner from St Minver

POSH AND BECKS LOOKALIKES

Posh and Becks lookalikes
Could be their twin
But they go by the name
Of Thick and Thin

MY DECISION TO BECOME A DOCTOR

My decision to become a doctor
Even though it helped me burgeon
Raised more than a few eyebrows
But then I am a plastic surgeon

ARE YOU WEARING A BOOB TUBE?

Are you wearing a boob tube?
It’s not to my own personal taste
Mainly because I suppose
You’re wearing it around your waist

HOMO ERECTUS

When I get up in the morning gloom
I head straight for the bathroom
Although as I emerge from my coma
Straight is perhaps a misnomer
As I begin in a dwarf like state
Like a prehistoric primate
Becoming upright when I can
So I look like the evolution of man

MORAL DILEMMA

Two men were discussing moral issues
Surrounding the dating game
“I didn't sleep with my wife before
We got married” one explained
“Did you?” he asked the other
“I don’t know, what was her name?”

CHIRRUPING CRICKETS

Chirruping Crickets
Foxes in the thicket
With croaking frogs
And barking dogs
Screeching bats
And yowling cats
We left the ugly city
For peaceful and pretty
Well the country life
Is nothing but strife

FEARFUL BEASTS

I stood stock still and
Feared for my nadgers
When in the presence
Of the honey badgers

HORSE MEAT BURGERS

Horse meat burgers
Are healthier by far
They’re lower in fat
But high in Shergar

ECONOMICAL WITH THE TRUTH

She tells everyone
She’s not even thirty
She’s cute and curvy
Flirty and quirky
Hot and spicy
Pert and perky
A little bit saucy
A little bit dirty
But she must be
Five and thirty

PICKUP # 12

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey baby did you clean
Your pants with Glass Gem?
Because I can practically
See myself in them”