GREAT DEPRESSION

 

I have been diagnosed with depression

But I won’t let it beat me

I have been on the Internet

And I’ve found the treatment for me

It’s the 18 step plan

And I start on the first tee

A GOOD EXERCISE

 

Exercise is a good thing

Pushing your body physically

It can take many forms

I like cycling particularly

I like golf and swimming

I like long walks, especially

When they are taken by
People who annoy me

AFFAIR GAME

Colin Smith was a married man but he was having an affair

With his pretty young secretary Caroline since at least last June  

One day while they were at work their passions overcame them

And they rushed to her house, where they made love all afternoon

 

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, waking quite late

As Colin put on his clothes he told her to take his shoes outside

And rub them in the grass and dirt. Which mystified she did

He slipped into his shoes and drove home arriving after eight

 

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he got home

“Darling, I can't lie to you. I'm having an affair with Caroline

And I’ve spent all of this afternoon having wild sex with her

We were both exhausted and fell asleep not realizing the time

 

It was already past seven o’clock when we both finally woke up

The wife suspected from the beginning it was one of his stories

Then she saw his dirty shoes and she said, “You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf all afternoon with your bloody cronies!”

NOBBY AND THE JIG OF JOY

 

The first time I became aware of Nobby Stiles I was a young boy of ten and it was the world cup finals of 1966.

It would probably seem odd to many football fans that out of all the talent on show in England that summer, players like Pele, Beckenbauer or Eusabio, I was most impressed by the diminutive Manchester man, Nobby.

I have often wondered myself and I think that the great players had been much heralded in the lead up to the finals and they merely did what was expected of them but Nobby I had not heard of before he was different.

 

He tackled hard and was a tough no nonsense player who could read the game so well being blessed with great tactical awareness but my most enduring image’s of him was the toothless grin and his jig of joy after England won the world cup.

It was that victory dance showing his excitement and obvious love for the game.

It was seeing Nobby play that led me to support United as I still do today.

 

Norbert Peter Stiles was born in Collyhurst Manchester 18^th may 1942 and he stood at the Stretford End like many a young lad and dreamt of playing for United but for him it came true.

For eleven years he played his Club football for Manchester United making his debut for them away at Bolton on 1^st of October 1960.

Apart from winning the world cup with England in 1966 he won two League Championship medals with United and as In the 1966 World Cup Semi-Final against Portugal it was his job to stop Eusebio “the Black Panther” when united met Benfica in the 1968 European Cup Final which he did and added a European Cup winner's medal to his collection.

 

Nobby Stiles was and still is Man United through and through he returned to United in the 80’s as youth team coach were he brought on the likes of Giggs, Beckham and the Neville’s.

 

In 2000 his contribution to the game was finally recognized when he received an O.B.E. along with his other previously unrecognized England teammates from 1966.

 

Not before time.

A Little Bit Of Sport

TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS

I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while

ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014

You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A

BEER AND FOOTBALL

Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really

ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014

There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit

YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE

You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother

BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014

The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”

IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME

If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills

AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014

Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players

HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014

England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort

A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014

Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing

THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014

Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no

A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED

A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan

SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014

Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food

A Little Sport

I LIKE THE SPORTING BANTER

I like the sporting banter
Surrounding sporting Rivalry
But there is a fine line
Separating it from tribalry

GOLF MODE

A man got on the bus
And sat down next to Bimbette
He smiled warmly at her
And briefly their eyes met

Full of golf balls
His bulging front trouser pockets
Caught her attention
Her eyes almost left their sockets

He said "its golf balls."
And Bimbette said “Oh”
Then continued, "Does it hurt
As much as tennis elbow?"

A QUESTION OF SPORT

A GAME OF ARRA’S

Me and some friends
Fancied a game of darts
I said, “Nearest the bull
To see who starts”
Johnny went “Woof”
And I went “Baah”
Then Danny went “Moo”
He was the closest by far

GOOD OLD FIFA

Good old FIFA
Are getting very fat
With a fee for this
And a fee for that

A GAME OF ALL FOURS

When she suggested
A game of all fours
I thought that meant
Getting into her drawers
But no I was wrong
Which is a shame
It turns out “all fours”
Is just a card game


ACED

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon
He was a killed by a tennis ball
I wasn’t too sad at the funeral
It was a lovely service after all

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS FOURS?

Are you wearing plus fours?
Well they look just the job
The tweeds with argyle socks
But you do look like a nob

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS TWOS?

Are you wearing plus twos?
Well listen, here’s the bad news
It looks as though the plus twos
Have fallen out with your shoes

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

Are you wearing Olympic suits?
Well you’re looking very smart
You’re Essex lads aren’t you?
I bet you can’t wait for it to start
You will show to the world at large
That you have good hearts
When you’re lighting the torches
Show us you possess some smarts
For I hope there is more to you
When the 2012 Olympiad starts
Than dropping your tailored trousers
And lighting up your farts

OK MY LITTLE SEX POODLE

“Ok my little sex poodle
Get up those stairs right now
Quickly get up those stairs
You horny little cow”

“Oh you sweet talker
You have the gift and how
I’m your spanky sex poodle
I’m your willing little frau”

“No I mean it get upstairs
You don’t have to kowtow
Just get upstairs without delay
The match is starting now”

THE BEST IN THE WORLD

I wont hear a word against our tennis players
It’s true that they certainly have their detractors
But I have always thought British players
Make truly world-class tennis commentators

HARE COURSING

On the whole,
No pun intended,
It was a pleasant day
On the Golf course
The sun was warm
The wind was light
The golf was
A mixture of the sublime
And the ridiculous
A day of ups and downs
As my scorecard testified
But the par 4 15th
Was a different story
I had hit a crisp drive
From the elevated tee
And away it flew
Straight down the middle
As Bing once sang
It landed just short of the dog leg
Kicked to the right
And rolled perfectly round the turn
After such a shot
You feel ten feet tall
As you stride down the fairway
And I felt every inch of it
When I reached my ball
I found it sitting up invitingly
And with an unhindered path to the green
I had a birdie chance.
Slightly ahead and to the right
A rather large Rabbit,
Was enjoying the afternoon sun
Blissfully unaware of what was to come
I selected my club
And addressed the ball
“Just hit it straight”
I told myself
I swung the club towards the ball
In a perfect ark
But I must have lifted my head
Because there was and ugly contact
And the ball sliced away
In the direction of the Rabbit
Now had he just stayed still
He would have lived
But alas at the sound of the sliced contact
The Rabbit leapt vertically in the air
Straight into the path of the ball
And died instantly
Now looking back I could have claimed
That the Rabbit put me off
But it didn’t really
If the ball had followed its path
I would have been out of bounds
So the Rabbit sacrificed himself
To save my par

THE CHARACTER OF GOLF

The game of Golf is character building
In the view of certain people
Others are a little more grounded
And would describe it as a perpetual
Series of unmitigated disasters
Punctuated by an occasional miracle

TIGER, TIGER – CHOICES

Tiger Woods was undecided,
Iron or wood that was the quandary
Eventually he settled on
A Fire hydrant followed by a tree

TIGER, TIGER - OUT AND ABOUT

Elin was asked what she and Tiger were doing
Out and about in the early hours of the morning
She said she couldn’t answer for Tiger
But for herself she was out clubbing

TIGER, TIGER - SHORT YARDAGE

Tiger can drive a golf ball
400 yards, effortlessly
But can only drive a car
Little more than three

TIGER, TIGER – TRAPPINGS

Being on the top of his sport
Tiger Woods is wealthy,
And he enjoys the trappings
Of being financially healthy
He has bought luxury cars
With what he has won
Once all in pristine condition
But now has a hole-in-one.

TIGER, TIGER – STROKE PLAY

Elin Woods admitted
Assaulting Tiger
“How many times”?
The police asked her
She thought for a moment
"I’m not sure exactly”
Then with a nod she said
“Mark me down for a three”

TIGER, TIGER – TIPS AND POINTERS

Elin’s phone hasn’t stopped
Since the tale hit the papers
Every golfer in the world
Wants to speak to her
To get some pointersOn how to beat Tiger

TIGER, TIGER – MUTUAL APPRECIATION CLUB

Tiger should now have
Sympathy for baby seals
With first hand knowledge
Of how they feel
As Tiger and the baby seal
Have in common
That they’ve both been clubbed
By a Scandinavian