A Little Bit Of Humour # 60

YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 1

You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
That they act like a hi-vis vest
When you go out at night

YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 2

You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
Is it because you run them thru
The dishwasher at night

I’D LOVE A SECOND HONEYMOON

“I’d love a second honeymoon”
His wife said to him
He replied “what a good idea,
Who will you go with then?”

HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER

He was a serious swimmer
And was in the pool constantly
But his progress was halted
In his lane, by an elderly lady
“How long must I wait?” he asked
She replied “until I finish my pee”

SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 1

She was an old lonely widow
Oft overlooked to be fare
When an elderly friend
Saw her standing there
And walked up behind her
And got his hands on her pair
“Guess who?” The old man said
She replied “I don’t care”

RAMBLING

My wife suddenly announced
“I’ve decided to become a rambler”
Now was that walking or talking
An even money bet for a gambler

MY WIFE HAS WOMEN’S INTUITION

My wife has women’s intuition
So well-tuned is her technique
That she knows I’m wrong
Even before I manage to speak

THESE AREN’T WRINKLES

“These aren’t wrinkles” she said
“They’re laughter lines honey”
I said “I didn’t hear the joke,
But it must have been really funny”

SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 2

She was an old lonely widow
Who you’d only bed for a bet
So she kept filling his glass
Periodically asking “Am I sexy yet?”

HIS MOUSTACHE WAS SO UNTIDY

His moustache was so untidy
It was quite difficult to see
Exactly where it grows,
On his lip or from his nose

THE MAN-O-GRAM

I left the county hospital
In some considerable distress
They made me put my todger
Inside a bloody trouser press

WHEN I WALKED INTO MY FRIEND’S HOUSE

When I walked into my friend’s house
I can’t describe the mess I found
I thought it had been burgled, but
His grandchildren had been round

WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ROOM

When I walked into the room
I can’t describe the mess
I thought it had been burgled
It’s because he’s a student I guess
AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014

Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players

VIOLET HIT ROSE

Violet hit Rose
Square on the nose
She lost the plot
And Rose cried a lot

Noses have bled
Eyes they are red
Violet you’re blue
But what did I do?

PICKUP # 9

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“You work at subway,
If I’m not wrong”
“And I know that because
You just gave me a footlong”