The whole family were watching Pointless
Playing along and doing quite well, more or less
The first round was about words ending in TOR
But the answer was a carnivore or an omnivore
It had to end TOR, but the answer ate things
The
first two answers were Alligator or Predator
My
daughter shouted out “Vibrator” triumphantly
Good word but they don’t eat things I’m afraid
sweetie
“Yes, they do dad” she argued “Mum told me so”
“She said, hers eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow”
I was watching a documentary on TV
Last
night about the viewing audience
And
the decline in their attention spans
Well
I watched some of it in my defense
Even Netflix has come to the conclusion
I
watch too much TV, so there’s no doubt,
It
doesn’t suggest more box sets to watch
Instead
it’s started suggesting I go out
My remote control stopped working
And
wouldn’t operate the TV
It
turned out that the batteries were dead
It
was nothing short of AA calamity
Entertainment these days t is nothing
But sex and violence, it appears to me
So is it really any surprise that I don’t
Have the time to watch films or TV
I use the phrase “the one from the tv”
To
describe actors or celebrities
I
also use it to describe what I’m looking for
A weather man predicted snow
But he didn’t get it right
So the female anchor on the show
Asked to our delight
“So Bob, where's that 8 inches!
A pipe isn’t just something to smoke
To
a wise man it’s a very useful tool
It
gives him some time to consider
A
pipe helps him think and still appear cool
It’s
not just something to stick in his mouth
That’s
something for every other fool
The three best forms
Of
global communication
Are,
television, telephone
And
tell a woman
This morning’s Breakfast News
Live from Downing Street
On the rolling news that never stops
I have learned in the last few minutes
That the Prime Minister had toast
While Nick Clegg had coca pops
There was a female guest
On
TV today
She
said she’d done a poll
Which
one she didn’t say
But
by the look of her
She
done most of Europe anyway
I’ve just watched the BBC’s new dramatization of The Lady Vanishes and I have to say hats off to Screen Writer Fiona Seres who reworked the Hitchcock classic to the point that only the title remained.
I should say
that the excellent cast should in no way feel any responsibility for this flop after
all you can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.
I can only assume that she had never seen the original 1938 version of the British comic
thriller directed by Alfred Hitchcock and Written by Sidney
Gilliat and Frank Launderand.
This classic
starred Margaret Lockwood and Michael Redgrave and was both critically
acclaimed as a masterpiece and was a box office smash.
Even director Anthony
Pages 1979 remake,
though a pale imitation of Hitchcock’s original, was a far superior offering
than the one served up last night.
Ms Seres
should also be commended not only for the Lady Vanishing but also the iconic
characters, Charters and Caldicott, on top of which she managed to vanish any hint of
suspense.
If there is one thing that irritates me more than any other, it has to
be historical inaccuracies in film and TV scripts.
Now I’m not talking about things like Braveheart or The Battle of the
Bulge or countless other attempts’ by the Americans to rewrite history.
No, the things that irritate me are the little things, the small easy to
verify things, the things that they just can’t be bothered to do right.
For example,
take The 2006
movie “the Holiday” with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Jack Black and
Eli Wallach, which. I particularly liked.
It has all the ingredients required for a great Christmas film, engaging
characters, humour, pathos, romance, cute kids and a happy ending, or in
this case a multiple happy ending.
That aside the Grinch in me won’t forgive the unpardonable sin of a
glaring error and a failure to research correctly.
Eli Wallach’s character, Arthur, asks Iris played by Kate Winslet
“What part of England are you from?”
To which she replies “Surrey”
“Cary Grant was from Surrey” Arthur says
“That’s right he was” Iris confirms
No, he bloody wasn’t from Surrey he was from Bristol.
How did they not get that right, why did they not check a simple fact
like that?
If they wanted to keep the Cary Grant reference, Iris could have
answered Arthur’s question.
“What part of England are you from?”
By saying, “Bristol”
Or if they wanted her to be from Surrey, why didn’t they pick another
internationally known actor from Surrey such as Bill Nighy, Colin
Firth, Edward Woodward, Julia Ormond, Julie
Andrews, Laurence Olivier, Peggy Ashcroft, Peter Cushing or Ronald
Colman.
How simple would that have been “Laurence Olivier was from Surrey”
Arthur could have said, but no they had to ruin an otherwise perfectly good
film.
If there is one thing that irritates me more than
any other, it has to be historical inaccuracies in film and TV scripts.
Now I’m not talking about things like Braveheart or The
Battle of the Bulge or countless other attempts’ by the Americans to rewrite history.
No, the things that irritate me are the little things, the
small easy to verify things, the things that they just can’t be bothered to do
right.
For example, in the American hit TV series NCIS there is a
character, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo played by Michael Weatherly,
who, apart from being a special agent also considers himself to be a bit of
film buff.
DiNozzo is constantly either quoting from movies or is making
endless film references to accompany any given situation he is in or indeed crime
scene he is at.
In one episode he is drawing a parallel between his own
situation and that of the characters in the 1938 classic “Angels with Dirty
Faces” with James Cagney, Pat O'Brien and Humphrey Bogart.
And the afore mentioned parallel would have been quite apt,
had he not made a serious faux pas, well I think it was serious.
He referenced to the fact that Rocky Sullivan and Jerry
Connolly grew up as tough kids in Hell's Kitchen, the toughest part of New
York, and their destinies were set when Rocky got sent to reform school and
Jerry escaped the law and went on to becomes a priest.
So far so good, but where DiNozzo went wrong was to say that
the Father Connolly character was played by Bogey (Humphrey Bogart), who was in
the film, when he was in fact played by Pat O'Brien.
Quite unforgivable when DiNozzo is supposed to be an
aficionado of film.
If there is one thing that irritates me more than any other, it has to
be historical inaccuracies in film and TV scripts.
Now I’m not talking about things like Braveheart or The Battle of the
Bulge or countless other attempts’ by the Americans to rewrite history.
No, the things that irritate me are the little things, the small easy to
verify things, the things that they just can’t be bothered to do right.
For example, there was an American sci-fi series in the 90’s called
“Babylon 5” which I much enjoyed, and if truth be told I liked it more than the
Star Trek equivalent of “Deep Space 9”.
However, in one episode, “Comes The Inquisitor”, there was a character
called Sebastian, who it transpired as the story unfolded was in reality Jack
the Ripper.
When his true identity came to light during the story it was announced
that in the late 1800’s Jack the Ripper plagued London’s West End.
No! No! No! Jack the Ripper did not stalk the theatre district he was
too busy amusing himself killing prostitutes in the East End.
It was a simple mistake that just shouldn’t have happened, but it did
and there really is no excuse for it this day and age when research is such a
simple matter.
I find it difficult to comprehend that such a basic error made it to the
airing.
Surely one of the writing team or production staff or even one of the
cast would have asked “Are you sure it was the West End?” but apparently not.
Last Christmas my wife bought me the boxed set and when we were watching
the relevant episode, we both braced ourselves for the fateful moment and then
laughed when we discovered it had been rather amateurishly dubbed.
Watch for signs of getting old
When
it happens you’ll just know
You
remember Saturday night live
When
it was still a funny show
It’s the end of an era now Michael Parkinson has retired; he was the last of his kind, a special breed.
The last of great chat
show host and a master of his craft, who considered a great interview to be one
where he had to say very little.
Now alas we have comedians
sitting in the hosts chair trying to fill his shoes.
Skinner and Norton and
others of their ilk who think they’re at a gig and the guests are merely an
extension of their audience.
The worst of all is
Jonathon Ross who thinks himself the star and his guests are the supporting
cast with whom he can manipulate the conversation to the point where he can use
a pre-planned gag.
When he does stop
performing his act and using his guests as the stooges to bounce his gags off
and finally asks a question, he invariably answers the question as well
normally with another tedious gag.
By the time, the interview
is over you know no more about the guest than you did before it started.
But it’s not just
comedians of course who have tried and failed Clive James, Clive Anderson, pop
stars, politicians, royals, socialites you name them they’ve all tried it and
the end result is always the same. Hosts who are more interested in what they
have to say than their guests in short people with big egos only interested in self-promotion.
The guests themselves
don’t help the situation as they are only there because their production
company, recording co, publishing co etc. want them to publicize their latest
project or product.
So now all the great
interviewers have gone, and we must mourn the lost art of interviewing because
none of the younger exponents have bothered to learn the craft from Michael
Parkinson’s example.
We all think that when we were young the sun shone
23
hours a day
Not
altogether true
But
things always look better looking back
For
example, we didn’t have to endure
TV
ads for sanitary products and pantie liners
Thrush
medicine or hemorrhoid cream
We
only had the three TV channels which was enough
And
there was no such thing as daytime telly
And
the network shut down at 10.30
So,
we knew when to go to bed
The
soap of the day was Peyton Place
For
the kids Noggin the Nog
Mr.
Pastry or the Wombles
Captain
Pugwash with seaman stains
And
Roger the cabin boy
Comedy
like Sykes, the Good Life
And
Morecambe and Wise
Sid
and Hattie in the Carry On’s
Grasshopper
in Kung Fu
Land
of the giants, Blake’s Seven and Dr Who
You
could still watch sport on terrestrial
With
Grandstand on the Beeb
And
on ITV, Dickie Davis on world of sport
In
the music world the Rolling Stones
Were
closer to puberty than senility
The
first record I bought was good news week
By
Hedgehoppers Anonymous
You
could buy LP’s, singles and audio cassettes
Even
8 track though not very long lived
Petrol
was only five bob a gallon
While
beer was just 10p a pint
Penny
chews and sweets in a jar
Treats,
opal fruits and spangles
Oh,
for the time when gay still meant happy
And
everyone wore a ticka ticka Timex
When
we all wanted to be in love
Like
Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard in “brief encounter”
Or
be suave and debonair just like Fred Astaire
And
dance with panache and savoir fare
When
Bette said “Gerry let’s not ask for the moon we already have the stars”
It’s
not that I’m a cup half empty kind of guy
But
things do look better looking back
There was Snow in the forecast!
And the TV weather girl said
“I’m expecting 8 inches tonight”
I thought to myself, “what a big head”
And anyway, with a face like that
