A Little Bit Of Humour # 143

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 13

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“I hope this patient has already had a family”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 2

When it appears that you have succeeded
And the monster is lying dead
Do not for any reason go and check
Get the hell out of there instead

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 2

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a butcher
He added “I’m a mince Spy”

LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE

Last night I was shaken violently awake
So I thought it must be an earthquake
But I soon realised as my heart was soaring
It was just my wife telling me I was snoring

ONE DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE

One day on the golf course
I overturned my golf cart
A pretty woman came to assist
And I was attracted from the start
Elizabeth, was very attractive
And didn’t apportion blame
“Are you okay are you hurt?”
she asked “what's your name?”
“It’s Colin and I’m fine” I replied
And she invited me to her villa
which backed onto the course
“I'll help you with the cart later”
“That's kind of you,” I answered,
But my wife wouldn’t like it”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted
“Just come in and rest for a bit”
She was very persuasive “okay,”
I agreed, “But my wife won't like it.”
After a stiff drink I said “Thank you
But I must go my wife will be upset.”
“She’ll understand” Elizabeth said
“Because you might have been hurt”
And asked “where is she by the way?”
And I replied “Under the cart!”

A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE

A lonely farmer decided to see a movie
And take his favourite Cockerel too
But he knew animals weren’t allowed
So he hid him down his pants, out of view
He bought a ticket, and went inside
And sat down next to two old widows
The movie started unbuttoning his fly
So the Cockerel could watch the show
And one widow whispered to the other
“The guy next to me has his thing out”
Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish
It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,
And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger
When you’re at home watching porn”
“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed
“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”

MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE

My first experience of drinking Coffee
Was when I was a kid at school
It came in a bottle and tasted foul
“Camp” it was called and wasn’t cool

THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS

They do very odd things with spuds
Nowadays some of which seem crazy
When I was young people who didn't
Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy

INTERLOCUTOR RESPONSE

“Is it true if you’re asked a question
You answer with another question?”
A young man asked his new bride
“Who told you that?” she replied

HE DIALED 999

He dialed 999 and said.
“Send an ambulance, my wife is in Labour”
“Is this her first baby?” the operator asked
“No, this is her husband, Trevor”

THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY

The roads were uneven and bumpy,
Potholed and rutted
Which is no more than what
You come to expect
Of a third world country
Unfortunately I was driving in Surrey

THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,
Extend your arms straight out from your sides
And hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold
This position for just a bit longer on this plan.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags
When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.

I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend
And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got
My leotard on, the class was already at an end

ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS

My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For St Patricks Day
I said “Drunk will do me”

PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL

Peperami is a bit of an animal
Is the pitch the adverts hit
But its animal origins aside
I would like to know “what bit”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 142

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 12

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And was fearful the procedure would be a botch
And as I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see what I did with my watch?”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 1

When browsing the occult section
Of the library shelves
Never read aloud from a book
Of demon summoning spells

ARE YOU WEARING A BOILER SUIT?

Are you wearing a boiler suit?
Well it’s not the most flattering wear
But it does have a certain fascination as
I’m fascinated to know what’s under there

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 1

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a farmer
He added “I’m a shepherd Spy”

WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS

When the allspice singers
Really went off the rails
Coryanda and star Anise
Had the Pepperatzi on their tails

A TEACHER HELD A SPELLING BEE

A teacher held a spelling bee and asked
“Kyle, how do you spell “crocodile?”“
“K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” he said
“No, that's not the way to spell Crocodile”
Said the teacher “Maybe it’s wrong, but you
Asked me how I spell it” explained Kyle

THE PREFECT AND THE OIK

“Why are you always such a dirty little oik?”
The prefect asked
“You are the dirtiest pupil by far,
Look at me, I’m always clean and smart”
The boy replied
“I'm closer to the ground than you are”

INTERRUPTING ANNETTE

“Give me a sentence starting with “I”“
The teacher asked young Annette
“I is...” she began but teacher interrupted
“No, always say, “I am”, Annette”
The girl looked puzzled, but complied
“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet”

THE CAT ESSAY

The teacher said “your essay on “My cat”
Is exactly the same as your brother Matt’s,
Did you copy his work for your story?”
“No, miss, but it's the same cat” said Corey

ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP

“One Direction” have split up
It seems nothing lasts these days
Ironically all the members
Have gone their separate ways

MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER

My dear elderly mother
Suffers with indigestion
Ironically her Gaviscon
Is on a repeat prescription

ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?

Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385

“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Damn that was some good Mary J”

BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING

11am to 9pm the sign read
But the opening time was well past
And we were left out in the cold
And their apathy left me aghast
The signage needs to be amended
And a new sign should be tasked
Open “When we can be bothered”
Until “We can no longer be asked”

ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE

St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
That’s why St Patrick’s Day
Is the best holiday for me

A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 4

ONCE IN AN AGE OF INNOCENCE

Once in an age of innocence
When the maids were chaste
The body was a temple of love
On which great value was placed
Now the age of innocence is dead
Virtue is sacrificed in haste
Bodies are desecrated at will
And displayed without disgrace

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT BRIGIT

The feast day of Saint Brigit
Is an Irish National Day
When the Irish people
Celebrate Saint Brigit's Day

ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE # 1

One secret to a happy life
Is this, more or less
Take every opportunity to
Mind your own business.

HE WANDERED THE STREETS

He wandered the streets
Clothed in tattered rags
And shod in scruffy boots
That didn’t keep out the rain
So he turned to crime
To fill his hollow belly
And then Victorian justice
Clothed him in a ball and chain

FRIENDSHIP TIP

Don’t let a little dispute
Injure a great friendship
Swallow your pride
And quickly make up

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT ANDREW

The feast day of Saint Andrew
Is Scotland’s National Day
When the Scottish people
Celebrate Saint Andrew's Day

ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE # 2

One secret to a happy life
Is this and nothing more
Once a year, go somewhere
You’ve never been before.

THE PAINTER AND HIS MODEL

The painter and his model
Were smitten from the very start
And every stroke of his brush
Said “I love you with all my art”

NOT EVEN GOD

Their arrogant confidence
Was unshrinkable
In fact they considered it
To be unthinkable
For the RMS Titanic
Not to be unsinkable

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT DAVID

The feast day of Saint David
Is Wales’s National Day
When the Welsh people
Celebrate Saint David's Day

ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE # 3

One secret to a happy life
Is simply this in my view
If you make a lot of money,
And good fortune smiles on you
Use it to use help others
That is wealth's true value

AN ARTIST SHOULD BE ADMIRED

An artist should be admired
Treasured and inspired
And encouraged to create
Art to which we can relate

AFTER SIX LONG YEARS OF BATTLE

After six long years of battle,
Triumph came to the side of light
When the scourge of hostility ended
And Victory in Europe Day began
With joyous revelling and dancing
A new life for the country began
Then as Victory night passed,
And daylight broke through,
The peace dawned anew

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT COLUMBA

The feast day of Saint Columba
Is an Irish National Day
When the Irish people
Celebrate Saint Columba's Day

LIEUTENANT GENERAL SIR LESLIE JAMES MORSHEAD KCB, KBE, CMG, DSO, ED (18 September 1889 – 26 September 1959)

Australian schoolmaster
Of Cornish stock
Turned reluctant soldier to be
A veteran of the Great War,
Galipoli, Messines, Passchendaele,
Villers-Bretonneux, and Amiens.
After the armistice he was
A peace time businessman
Remaining active in part-time Militia.
Until the Second World War,
When he led the Australian and British troops
At the Siege of Tobruk
And at the Second Battle of El Alamein,
Achieving decisive victories
Over Rommel's Afrika Korps
A strict and demanding officer,
His soldiers affectionately nicknamed him
“Ming the Merciless”,
Later simply “Ming”
After Flash Gordon’s nemesis
He was a remarkable leader
When ordered to hold Tobruk
For 8 weeks and held for 7 months
And it is widely regarded to be the point
That Britain won the war

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT GEORGE

The feast day of Saint George
Is England’s National Day
When the English people
Celebrate Saint George's Day

ONE OF THE KEYS TO THE SONG OF LIFE

One of the keys to the song of life
Is one of the simple things that please
Such as saying “bless you”
When you hear someone sneeze


WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES IN LIFE

We all make mistakes in life
But the first step is to admit it
When you realize you've made one
Take immediate steps to correct it

LIVE A FULL AND SATISFYING LIFE

Live a full and satisfying life
Make your mark and don’t regret it
But measure your success by what
You had to give up in order to get it

A Little Bit Of Humour # 141

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 11

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with confidence
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see where I left the instruments?”

ARE YOU WEARING CHIFFON?

Are you wearing chiffon?
So you’ve chosen style over substance
But you won’t hear me complain
As transparency tends to enhance

WE FOUND A BRILLIANT BUILDER

We found a brilliant builder
His workmanship is out of sight
The only snag is he’s Transylvanian
So he can only work at night

WHAT’S A BIDET?

While looking at a hotel website
His granddaughter asked “What’s a Bidet?”
The old soldier smiled wryly and retorted
“It’s a couple of days before D-Day”

DESICCATED SNACK POT

A new desiccated snack pot
Of dried dog and noodles
Are on sale in North Korea
They’re called Not Poodles

NEW BOND VILLAIN

There is a new Bond villain
Although the story is old
His name is Gold sphincter
And he has piles of gold

PAVLOV’S DOG AND SCHRODINGER’S CAT

I wanted a book about Pavlov’s Dog
And Schrodinger’s Cat
And I wanted it quite a lot
So I asked a librarian
And she said it rang a bell,
But she wasn’t sure if it was there or not

AU PAIR

The meaning of the term
Au pair, is a “Social equal”
So you will find your husband
Ran off with the social equal

ARE YOU WEARING A BLACK BODY STOCKING?

Are you wearing a black body stocking?
No I can assure you my tone is not mocking
And though the view may be thought shocking
It will certainly bring admirers flocking

A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 3

PARALYMPIANS

They should not be seen as disabled
When they compete
A Paralympian should be viewed
Simply as an Athlete

IF YOU’VE LEARNED NOTHING IN LIFE

If you’ve learned nothing in life
Take this piece of advice from me
Remember this if nothing else,
Your character is your destiny

DISABILITY SPORT

They may well be considered
In life to have a Vulnerability
But where sport is concerned
They have no such disability

So calling it “Disability Sport”
Couldn’t be more misleading
When the limits they are given
They are constantly exceeding

Don’t look at them as disabled
But as sportsmen and women
Because in the arena of sport its
As athletes you should define them

THE FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS

Candlemas Day,
The festival of lights
40 days after Epiphany
Is celebrated to mark
The Presentation of Christ
In The Temple,

OLYMPIANS V PARALYMPIANS

The Olympics is the pinnacle
For any man and woman
But I believe that an Olympian
Is actually merely Human
Whereas a Paralympian
Is quite obviously Super Human

SAINT DAVID

Saint David was born in the 5th century
A scion of the royal house of Ceredigion,
And founded a Celtic Monastic order,
At Glyn Rhosyn, the Vale of Roses,
Which became an important Christian shrine
Where St David's Cathedral stands today

A Little Bit Of Humour # 140

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 15

The true nature of fairy tales
Are for the devotee, a heartbreaker
Because the tales were sanitized
Such as the Elves and the Hoe maker

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 10

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The whole surgical team acted like comedians
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!”

ARE YOU WEARING BUBBLE WRAP?

Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Well that is a novel form of dress
But if I were to start popping the bubbles
Would that cause you any distress?

I DON’T WALK WITH THE CROWD

I don’t walk with the crowd and
I’m not the usual Microwave user
I like to stop it at one second
Just to feel like a bomb de-fuser.

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 2

The secret to a happy married life
Is that good things needn’t be hurried
So be engaged for at least six months
Before the two of you get married

I DON’T MIND YOU NOT BEING GLAMMED UP

I don’t mind you not being glammed up
But a gent’s tweed suit is not your normal attire
Is there any reason for your change of style?
Is the masculine look some form of satire?

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 3

I saw Arnie eating a chocolate egg
So I said “I know what your favourite
Christian festival is” and he said
“You have to love Easter, baby”

THE GRIM REAPER CAME FOR ME LAST NIGHT

The Grim Reaper came for me last night
And I could barely catch my breath
But I beat him away with a vacuum cleaner
And was really Dyson with death.

AN UMBRELLA WAS LIKE A PANCAKE

Granddad always said, an umbrella was like
A pancake, but I didn’t know what he meant?
I only found out many years later that it was
Because they were seldom seen after lent

WHEN HIS FOOD ARRIVED

When his food arrived
He saw something distressing
“There’s a button in my salad”
The waiter said, messing
“That's all right, sir,
It's just part of the dressing”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 139

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 14

Puss in Boots isn’t all he appears
And you will be shocked to your roots
He is more flamboyant in private
And is often Puss in Latex Boots

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 9

I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard “oh fuck it!,
“Someone call the janitorial services
We're going to need a mop and bucket!”

THE HAGGIS

Haggis is made from sheep's offal
Oatmeal, suet, seasoning and onions
Stuffed inside of a sheep stomach
Which has to be one of Heston’s creations

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 1

The secret to a happy married life
Is that you should simply remember
That to keep on the good side of your wife
Silence is sometimes the best answer

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY KEG?

Are you wearing a brandy keg?
Is obviously the question that I beg?
I obviously hope the answer is yes
If it’s no, I’m hallucinating I guess

FAT TUESDAY

Pancake Day is known as Fat Tuesday
And is the last day before the Lenten season
It was a feast day and it was the practise of
Them stuffing their faces that is the reason

A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 1

I pretend to be someone I’m not
Just to receive something sweet
Which could be for Halloween
Or for a Valentine’s Day treat

SO IF THEY PUT REAL LEMONS

So if they put real lemons
In the washing up liquid
Does that mean that they
Put real fairies in fairy liquid

GRETEL DIDN’T GO TO THE WOODS

Gretel didn’t go to the woods
Looking for a house of gingerbread
When she walked along with Hansel
She was looking for a muffin instead

I WENT TO A LECTURE ON TYRE TECHNOLOGY

I went to a lecture on tyre technology
But during the lecture from hell
The lecturer told a joke about a puncture
Which I thought went down well

A Little Bit Of Humour # 138

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 13

It wasn’t a pea in her bed that kept her awake
It was something of a very different genus
The reason for her exhaustion each morning
Was as a result of the Princess and a penis

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 8

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a bore
He said “Oops! Does anyone know if a patient
Has ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

WHEN WE WERE KIDS IN THE AUTUMN

When we were kids in the autumn
My brother would hide from view
Beneath a pile of fresh fallen leaves
But hey that was Russell for you

MY GIRLFRIEND WORKS IN A CHINESE KITCHEN

My girlfriend works in a Chinese kitchen
And the sauces she must skilfully render
Which is quite ironic really when you hear
The way the chef pronounces Brenda

WE COULD SEE A GROUP OF HIPPIES

We could see a group of hippies drowning
I said “we should try to save them if we can”
My wife was thoughtful for a moment before
She replied “No I think they’re too far out man”

AN ELDERLY FEMALE DRIVER WAS SEEN BY POLICE

An elderly female driver was seen by police
Driving on the motorway very dangerously
She was knitting a jumper while at the wheel
The police told her to Pullover immediately

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 2

Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
But thankfully two out of three
Wait until they get home instead

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CAVEMEN

Teenagers are like Cavemen
With their inappropriate rubbing
Personal hygiene, table manners
And their penchant for clubbing

A WORLD RENOWNED SCIENTIST

A world renowned scientist
Decided that he would utilize
A beautiful knocker on his door
And he won the No Bell prize

WHEN THEY ARE STEPPED ON

When they are stepped on
Their behaviour is quite benign
The Grapes never say a word
But they do give a little whine

A Little Bit Of Humour # 137

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 12

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips
Were very stimulating for Hansel
Because once deep in the woods
He got a hand job from Gretel

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 7

I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard an exchange
Of converse between the attending clinicians
“What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?”

THE YOUNG CALLOW MAN DID TRULY PINE

The young callow man did truly pine
And hoped someone would introduce
Him to the rich lumberman's daughter
So he made sure he looked spruce

THE MOST OBEDIENT INANIMATE OBJECTS

The most obedient inanimate objects
Are Bells, if I may make so bold
And the reason for that is They make
A noise whenever they are tolled

THERE IS A PARTICULAR HERB

There is a particular herb
That by reason and rhyme
Is most injurious to a lady's
beauty and that is Thyme

I WAS TOLD SOMETHING INTERESTING

I was told something interesting
By the RSPCA Man
He said Dogs can’t have an MRI
But explained that CatsCan

AUTOMATED CONCEIT

The guy was so conceited that when
He stood in the cubicle with nothing on
And his automatic shower came to life
He thought his nakedness had turned it on

I PLUG IN MY IPHONE CHARGER

I plug in my iPhone charger
To give the battery a boost
Just to top it up to maximum
With what I call Apple Juice

MY WIFE SAYS I CAN’T MULTITASK

My wife says I can’t multitask
But she is in error it seems to me
As I can waste time, be unproductive,
And procrastinate simultaneously

I WENT TO THE UKRAINE

I went to the Ukraine
With my girlfriend Bev
And I ate a Chicken Kiev
With my chick in Kiev

A Little Bit Of Humour # 136

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 11

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips
Were always exceedingly fruitful
Because once deep in the woods
They became Handsy and Grateful

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 6

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped a scalpel he said
“Sterile, shcmerile. the floor's clean, really”

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAMERA

The difference between a camera
And a bad case of influenza
Is that one makes facsimiles
And the other makes sick families

I WILL DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN

I will differentiate between, if I can,
A tube and a foolish Dutchman
Ah yes, one is a hollow cylinder
And the other is a silly Hollander

THE GREATEST SHAKESPEARIAN VILLAIN

The greatest Shakespearian villain,
Who would make a demon scowl,
Was Macbeth the chicken-killer,
Because he did murder most foul

MY SISTER ELLEN

My sister Ellen
Married beneath her
But then she is
Six feet tall to be fare

JOHN IS A VERY UNLUCKY LOVER

John is a very unlucky lover
Unlike James, his twin brother
As John always misses the kisses
While James kisses the misses

AVOID DATING PRETTY MEN, NO MATTER

Avoid dating pretty men, no matter
How much they illuminate the gloom
Because the pretty men are all like
Cheap fireworks, they go off too soon

A YOUNG MAN STOLE A KISS FROM HER LIPS

A young man stole a kiss from her lips
And to his surprise she didn’t have a fit
Instead she smiled and said to him
“Just put that back from where you took it”

POULTRY FARMERS WHO KEEP

Poultry farmers who keep
Battery chickens are fiends
Because they earn their
Immoral living by fowl means

A Little Bit Of Humour # 135

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 384

The old lady who lived in a shoe
Was forced into the sex trade
And moved into a thigh high
Stiletto Boot on what she made

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 10

Tinderfella went to the dance
Looking for a little romance
But in the end he didnt find her
Because they were all on grindr

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 5

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeons were a couple of arses
One of them said to the other “I bet now
You wish you hadn't forgotten your glasses.”

MY COUSIN IS AN ORTHODONTIST

My cousin is an orthodontist
In the American deep south
I don’t think he’s happy, as he
Always looks down in the mouth

THE MOST MIRACULOUS ANIMAL

The most miraculous animal
In the farm-yard, I am assured
Is the humble pig and that’s because
It is killed and then cured

WHEN IS A LOVER LIKE A TAILOR

When is a lover like a tailor?
Surely that point is moot
The answer simply has to be
When he presses his suit

A WOMAN, HAVING BURIED HER

A woman, having buried her
Philandering husband Dwight,
Said she had one consolation,
She knew where he was at night

AVOID MARRYING A GIRL CALLED ANN

Avoid marrying a girl called Ann
With every fibre and particle
Because if you marry her
She will be an indefinite article

A WOMAN’S FAVOURITE WORD

A woman’s favourite word
When all said and done
Doesn’t have to be special
It just has to be the last one

WHEN ACTOR FOGHORN LEGHORN

When actor Foghorn Leghorn
Retired to a farm near Leyton
Named his favourite he “Macduff”
Because he wanted her to lay on

A Little Bit Of Humour # 134

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 383

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
When he got a telephone call
“Hump Me Dumpty” Bo said
And he fainted and fell off the wall

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 9

New mattresses were ordered
For the bed of Princess Kayleigh
As they were changing the beds
For The Princess And The Pee

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 4

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeon thought he was a riot
He held up the x-ray and said “Wait a minute,
If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?”

THE LORD AND GENTLEMAN OF THE HOUSE

The Lord and gentleman of the house
Eloped with the under cook, Elaine
But his wife was quite sanguine, because
She could have the maid to herself again

CHEMISTS AND ALCHEMISTS

Chemists and alchemists
Are both of feminine gender
Because one is a Charlotte Ann
And the other is an Ann Eliza

LIFE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

Life is short, a four letter word
It’s quite absurd, and here’s why
It’s because half of it is just an 'if
And three quarters of it is a 'lie'

LIP-SALVE

Lip-salve is a very useful product
But it’s not a good chaperon, in anyway
Even though it lives up to its boast
Of always keeping the chaps away

FOR MANY YEARS HE HADN’T DONE MUCH

For many years he hadn’t done much
In the way of work at all
Not that he was physically incapable
He just worked at county hall

IT WILL NORMALLY INVOKE A SENSE OF SHAME

It will normally invoke a sense of shame
When a young lady to loses her good name
However her position is not an untenable one
When a young man gives her a better one

NICOLA STURGEON, THE SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER

Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish First Minister
Says she want’s independence from Westminster
But it’s illogical, she’s just flexing her muscles
As Scotland will become dependent on Brussels

A Little Bit Of Humour # 133

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 382

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
He didn’t see her coming at all
“Hump Me and Dump Me” She yelled
And pushed him off the wall

HE WAS AN ASPIRING NOVELIST

He was an aspiring novelist
And an uncomplicated fella
Who wrote in the basement
Clearly hoping for a best cellar

I BOUGHT A SECOND HAND PHONE

I bought a second hand phone
From a guy in Germany
I just had to delete his contacts
And now it's Hans free

ELEVATED SHOE

My latest girlfriend
Wears an elevated shoe
Just on one foot though
But, that’s Eileen for you

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 8

Fumble Lina, Fumble Lina sexy little thing
Fumble Lina prance, Fumble Lina swing
Fumble Lina all I do is give a whistle or give a call
And because you’re so full of lust you let me have it all

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 3

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped my notes he said
“Don’t lose them, we may need them at autopsy”

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WASN’T ALLOWED

William Shakespeare wasn’t allowed
To drink in his local hostelry
And the reason for that was because
He had been Bard obviously

KERMIT THE FROG’S CAR

Kermit the Frog’s car
Broke down one day
So he phoned the AA
And it got Toad away

WHEN ANNE BOLEYN WAS UNDRESSED

When Anne Boleyn was undressed
It was observed when they viewed her
That she was covered in tooth marks
Because of her husband Henry Tudor

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 1

Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
One in three chavs are conceived
In the stores toilets instead

A Little Bit Of Humour # 132

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 9

My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says my first driving license
Was probably written in Latin

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 7

“You'll never guess my name”
Taunted Rumpelstiltskin.
“I know” she said “but that’s because
Of the Gimp Mask you’re wearing”

THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY

The Thanksgiving Turkey
Risked being stricken
When he crossed the road
To prove he wasn't chicken!

MY SISTER BROKE UP WITH HER MR RIGHT

My sister broke up with her Mr Right
After only a few days,
Because it turned out
That his first name was always

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”
He said as I was lying there in my gown

I PHONED THE DENTIST IN SOME DISTRESS

I phoned the dentist in some distress
And I had to get a bit shirty
The receptionist finally booked me
An appointment at Tooth Hurty.

STEP BROTHER

When I got home from work
My brother came into view
He was laying on the doorstep
But hey that’s Matt for you

SOMEBODY TRASHED THE BIKE

Somebody trashed the bike
Of the school bully, Michael
It was after an anti-bullying lecture
Entitled “let’s break the cycle”

I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION

I heard a very apt description
Of Gardening the other day
It suggested that Gardening was
Grown-ups going outside to play

SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT

Some people are down beat
And see life as a negative
But I was born to be an optimist
Even my blood type is B Positive

A Little Bit Of Humour # 131

HALLOWEEN PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Halloween season
Just say to any girl you meet
“If you let me show you a trick
I can promise you’ll get a treat”

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 8

My son jokes about my age
Especially in front of his mates
He says that when I was at school
We had to write on slates

EVERYONE WANTS CANDY ON HALLOWEEN

Everyone wants Candy on Halloween
As they march on their trick or treat patrol
But the only Candy that interests me
Will be swinging on a silver pole

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 381

Jack and Jill went up the hill
But not for a pale of water
Because they went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t oughta

REMEMBER THE FIFTH

Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6

She was drinking in the forest
But she didn't want Tango to sup,
That wasn’t for Snow White,
She much preferred her 7up

IT HAPPENS EVERY HALLOWEEN

It happens every Halloween when
Enthusiastic revellers frequent
Accident and Emergency, where
Clinicians call it trick or treatment

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”
He said as I was lying there in my gown

I DON’T BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND DEMONS

I don’t believe in spooks and demons
I think that should be understood
But there are always more trick-or-treaters
Than there are kids in the neighborhood

IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE THEIR OWN REFLECTION

If vampires can’t see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That’s shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage?
To keep their hair tidy?

A Little Bit Of Humour # 130

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 7

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says my first driving license
Was written on a scroll

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And at the summit
Jack does Jill

I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION

I have often wanted to ask the question
Which has always gone unspoken
Why, when my wife gets ready, does she
Put on mascara with her mouth open

WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET

When I checked labels at the supermarket
I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen
As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring
And washing up liquid is made with real lemons

I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE

I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness
Is something to which I have no objections
But it seems pointless, to sterilise needles
That are to be used for lethal injections

A PENNY’S WORTH

Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in”
Means that you took your chance to speak
But you only get a “penny for your thoughts”
Which I have always thought a bit of a cheek
I don’t understand the disparity in the values
Why is it cheaper to think than it is to speak?

I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON

I travel on the train to Wimbledon
It’s the best station by far for me
As you can change for the Overground
Underground and Wombleing free

I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER

I think that their name is an misnomer
If the Borrowers never return anything.
In fact I would go as far to say they’re
Little more than a criminal enterprise ring

WHY DID THE BROKEN CLOCK

Why did the broken clock
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop

IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT

If JM Barrie had written smut
About all the titillation and joys
His classic tale would have been
Peter Porn and The Lust Boys

MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST

My father in law is a Physicist
Who is oblivious to culinary tips
He is too focussed on his work
So he lives on Fission chips

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5

The classic tale of Goldilocks
Should never have included Bears
The Girl was gay so it was actually
Goldilocks and the Three Mares

A Little Bit Of Humour # 129

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 6

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379

Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4

He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4

Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on

WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?

Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”

THE LITTLE ENGINE

The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.

TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”

AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY

At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg

I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER

I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME

When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had

G-SPOT

There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able

A Little Bit Of Humour # 128

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 2

I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake feeling brighter
I just wish it would remember me
When I was Three stone lighter

FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE PLAYGROUND

Foghorn Leghorn crossed the playground
But not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was just to get to the other slide

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 3

Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so fleet
But because I dithered I don’t know
How to get to Sesame Street

WHY ARE EGGS PACKED IN CONTAINERS

Why are eggs packed in containers
That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen
But batteries are in plastic packs
You can only open with a laser beam

MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP

Mind the gap, mind the gap
Is not an announcement about safety
But is pointing out the difference
Between the timetable and reality

I HAD A FITTING WITH MY TAILOR

I had a fitting with my tailor and
All the measurements were wrong
I should really have known better
After all his name is Wei Tu Long

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 5

My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says that my first passport
Was probably written in Latin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 377

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
And that’s because she’s
A short sighted farmer

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 3

Babes in the wood
And their escapades
Is now a porn film,
Wood in the Babes

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 3

Disney have got into porn
It became a financial reality
And of the films to be made
Is Beauty and the Bestiality

PTERODACTYL

None of the dinosaurs ever heard
The pterodactyl spend a penny
And the simple reason for that
Was because of the silent P

MY NEW TENNIS PARTNER

My new tennis partner
Always obstructs my view,
Stood in the middle of the court
But, that’s Annette for you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 127

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 376

Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
He’s the one in the muffin top

IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS

If the singular is this
And the plural is these,
Why isn’t the plural of kiss
Ever referred to as kese?

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 2

Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so brief
So because I dithered I can’t reply
To the question “where's the beef”

PUT DOWN # 62

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Did you just fall from heaven?”
Take a breath and pause for a bit
Then reply “Yes I fell from heaven
But then I landed on a soft shit?”

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 4

My son jokes about my age
He really keeps going on and on
He says that when I was at school
I was best friends with Nelson

WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the Lion cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was to get to the other pride

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 2

The sorcerer’s apprentice
Wasn’t there for tutorage
He was only interested in
The Sorcerer's Appendage

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 2

Disney have got into porn
Namely with the Brothers Grimm
It’s to be an ensemble piece
Entitled The Brother's Quim

PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON

Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon
As he disrupts the pirates shanties
But that’s not even his real name
He was baptized as Peter Panties

WHY DID THE ONE HANDED MAN

Why did the one handed man
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop

SEX TOY STORY

Her husband had a Woody
But that didn’t impress her
So she went and got Buzz
Out of the drawer in her dresser

ON MY BED AT HOME # 2

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m overweight
Which causes me great distress

A Little Bit Of Humour # 126

SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 2

So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular cat
Would in the plural
Be cats and never cose

FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER

For my poor deluded father
The men in white coats beaconed
He thought he was a chocolate orange
So now he’s been sectioned

I CAN’T COUNT TO TEN IN FRENCH

I can’t count to ten in French
It’s impossible for me
I can only count to seven
Because I have a huit allergy

JOLLY

To be politically correct
We must call fat people, jolly
And the really fat people
Have to be called morbidly jolly

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 1

I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake fresh at cock crow
I just wish it would remember me
As I was at least twenty years ago

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 1

Procrastination is the thief of time,
There’s no truer saying without a doubt
And as a result of my dithering
I still don’t know “who let the dogs out”

PUT DOWN # 61

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
So if you tire of unwanted attention
Just tell him you’re incompatible
and if he questions your remark
Say it’s because you’re not inflatable

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 3

My son jokes about my age
His humour is frankly, not
He says my first license
Was for driving a chariot

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378

Jack be Nimble,
Jack be quick,
But please don’t play
With your candle stick

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 1

Snow White thought
7-Up was just a drink
But meeting the dwarves
Caused her to rethink

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 1

Disney have got into porn
And the first film to be made
Is a remake of a classic
Renamed “The Little Sperm Maid”

ON MY BED AT HOME # 1

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m over sixty
Which causes me great distress