I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 13
I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“I hope this patient has already had a family”
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 2
When it appears that you have succeeded
And the monster is lying dead
Do not for any reason go and check
Get the hell out of there instead
WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 2
When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a butcher
He added “I’m a mince Spy”
LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE
Last night I was shaken violently awake
So I thought it must be an earthquake
But I soon realised as my heart was soaring
It was just my wife telling me I was snoring
ONE DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE
One day on the golf course
I overturned my golf cart
A pretty woman came to assist
And I was attracted from the start
Elizabeth, was very attractive
And didn’t apportion blame
“Are you okay are you hurt?”
she asked “what's your name?”
“It’s Colin and I’m fine” I replied
And she invited me to her villa
which backed onto the course
“I'll help you with the cart later”
“That's kind of you,” I answered,
But my wife wouldn’t like it”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted
“Just come in and rest for a bit”
She was very persuasive “okay,”
I agreed, “But my wife won't like it.”
After a stiff drink I said “Thank you
But I must go my wife will be upset.”
“She’ll understand” Elizabeth said
“Because you might have been hurt”
And asked “where is she by the way?”
And I replied “Under the cart!”
A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE
A lonely farmer decided to see a movie
And take his favourite Cockerel too
But he knew animals weren’t allowed
So he hid him down his pants, out of view
He bought a ticket, and went inside
And sat down next to two old widows
The movie started unbuttoning his fly
So the Cockerel could watch the show
And one widow whispered to the other
“The guy next to me has his thing out”
Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish
It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,
And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger
When you’re at home watching porn”
“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed
“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”
MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE
My first experience of drinking Coffee
Was when I was a kid at school
It came in a bottle and tasted foul
“Camp” it was called and wasn’t cool
THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS
They do very odd things with spuds
Nowadays some of which seem crazy
When I was young people who didn't
Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy
INTERLOCUTOR RESPONSE
“Is it true if you’re asked a question
You answer with another question?”
A young man asked his new bride
“Who told you that?” she replied
HE DIALED 999
He dialed 999 and said.
“Send an ambulance, my wife is in Labour”
“Is this her first baby?” the operator asked
“No, this is her husband, Trevor”
THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY
The roads were uneven and bumpy,
Potholed and rutted
Which is no more than what
You come to expect
Of a third world country
Unfortunately I was driving in Surrey
THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN
With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,
Extend your arms straight out from your sides
And hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold
This position for just a bit longer on this plan.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags
When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.
I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend
And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got
My leotard on, the class was already at an end
ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS
My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For St Patricks Day
I said “Drunk will do me”
PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL
Peperami is a bit of an animal
Is the pitch the adverts hit
But its animal origins aside
I would like to know “what bit”
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