EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

But by the third week

It started to get hard

As that’s when I started trying

To put on the leotard

ATTRACTION

 

I’m overweight I know

But it’s not my fault though

It’s because of the surgeries

Replacing my hips and knees

It’s the fridge magnets you see

They keep attracting me

NHS CUT BACKS # 3

The NHS has plans to save money

And many are opposed to the suggestion

The Obstetricians feel that the government

Are labouring under a misconception

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

So, for the second week

I’ve begun to do a little more

I’ve started driving past

A sporting goods store

DOCTOR FRANK

 

My doctor was very frank

When discussing my fitness

He said to me without humour

“What fits your busy schedule best?

Exercising for one hour each day, or

Being dead for twenty-four”

GARNISHING

If you put a tomato

On top of your knickerbocker glory

Instead of a cherry

It counts as a salad; well, that’s my story 

DOCTOR BLUNT

 

My doctor was very unfair

He said that the handle on my reclining chair

And my TV remote control device

Are not sufficient forms of exercise

NHS CUT BACKS # 2

 

The NHS has plans to save money

And there has been opposition all right

But the Gastroenterologists

Don’t have the stomach for a fight

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

So, for the first week

I am watching sport on TV

GOOD HEALTH WARNING

 

In regard to the state of good health

The fact that you cannot deny

Good health is just the slowest speed

At which we will eventually die

NHS CUT BACKS # 1

 

The NHS has plans to save money

As they are strapped for cash

The plans have got up the Allergists noses

And Dermatologists think them rash

LADY MARY

 

Mary, lady with the malady

The marmaladie lady

M’lady marmalade

Mary the marmaladie lady

SIR CUMFERENCE OF CAMELOT

Sir Cumference of Camelot

Could eclipse the sun in the sky

With the bulk of his obesity

Though he didn’t know why

His physician warned him that

Left unchecked he would die

But he had a hearty appetite

And that was the reason why

Sir Cumference of Camelot

Could eclipse the sun in the sky

And the immensity of his girth

Was caused, by too much pi

I DON’T BOTHER WITH FLU JABS

 

Its flu jab season again

But I always give them a pass

I self-medicate with alcohol

It really is first class

So just say to the doc

When he starts to tut

That a shot in your glass

Is better than one in the butt

DOCTOR FEELGOOD

My doctor advised me to

Take regular exercise

Eat more fruit

And get plenty of fresh air

So, I have taken his advice

I walk to the pub

I have a slice of lemon with my G&T

And I drink in the beer garden

WRINKLE FREE

 

I have discovered a great way

To get wrinkle free skin

I just eat as much as I want

And the fat fills them in

THE ABSENT MINDED OCTOGENARIAN

 

An octogenarian visited his doctor

“I think I'm getting senile” he said

The doctor replied “I don’t think you are senile

Let’s look for a different diagnosis instead”

“But I keep forgetting to do up my fly”

The old man said “After I’ve been for a pee”

The doctor smiled and then replied

“Not opening your fly before you start, that’s senility”

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

 

I lie awake in the wee small hours

Unable to just drift away

My mind is constantly replaying

All the events of the day

I’ve tossed and I’ve turned

I even counted sheep for a bit

Now I find my foot has gone to sleep

And I long to catch up with it

IBS

 

“You have an irritable bowel”

My doctor told me today

It didn’t surprise me at all

It was inevitable in a way

Because I’m a very irritable man

Harsh but true I would say

So why should my bowel

Behave in any other way

NOT FADE AWAY

 

Big man

Strong man

Barrel chested

Smiling faced

Hearty man

Where have you gone?

I watched you get into that bed

A few short weeks ago

But you have disappeared

And I don’t know when you went

 

Your laughter was first to go

That fruity chuckle

That warmed and cheered

Fell silent first

Then your conversation

Once a source of knowledge

Wisdom and sardonic wit

Dried up like a drought-stricken lake

Your sentences grew shorter

Disjointed and inarticulate

Until they were no more

 

Then you began to fade

Like a picture going out of focus

When you opened your eyes

And I looked in them

I saw no one looking back

The spark had gone

You had gone

When had you gone?

We didn’t say goodbye

 

As I looked at the withering shell

In its unconscious state

I heard the groans, as the pain cut deep

Through the morphine

In the slow agonizing transition

From man to corpse

I cannot pick the moment

At which you were no more

But it was days before rather than hours

When the essential you left

When that which made you, you, was no more

I hoped you were not in there

Suffering

Dying by inches

God, I hoped not

 

What savages we are

To inflict this end on a human being

We would not do it to our favourite pet

We would not treat a dog like this

Yet I let it happen to this man

What indignity

What inhumanity

What kind of son am I?

 

I will not go this way

I will not fade away

I will not vanish

Before my loved one’s eyes

I will say my goodbyes

I will smile before I go

I will go on my terms

I will go by my own hand