NOT FADE AWAY

 

Big man

Strong man

Barrel chested

Smiling faced

Hearty man

Where have you gone?

I watched you get into that bed

A few short weeks ago

But you have disappeared

And I don’t know when you went

 

Your laughter was first to go

That fruity chuckle

That warmed and cheered

Fell silent first

Then your conversation

Once a source of knowledge

Wisdom and sardonic wit

Dried up like a drought-stricken lake

Your sentences grew shorter

Disjointed and inarticulate

Until they were no more

 

Then you began to fade

Like a picture going out of focus

When you opened your eyes

And I looked in them

I saw no one looking back

The spark had gone

You had gone

When had you gone?

We didn’t say goodbye

 

As I looked at the withering shell

In its unconscious state

I heard the groans, as the pain cut deep

Through the morphine

In the slow agonizing transition

From man to corpse

I cannot pick the moment

At which you were no more

But it was days before rather than hours

When the essential you left

When that which made you, you, was no more

I hoped you were not in there

Suffering

Dying by inches

God, I hoped not

 

What savages we are

To inflict this end on a human being

We would not do it to our favourite pet

We would not treat a dog like this

Yet I let it happen to this man

What indignity

What inhumanity

What kind of son am I?

 

I will not go this way

I will not fade away

I will not vanish

Before my loved one’s eyes

I will say my goodbyes

I will smile before I go

I will go on my terms

I will go by my own hand