21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 375
Star light, star bright,
No I don’t want to tonight
If truth be told, alright
I think stargazing is shite
WHEN WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER
When we speak of a brother
We can also speak of brethren,
But although we say Mother,
I have never heard said, Methren
MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN
My uncle got caught stealing again
It’s an occupation hazard by and large
This time it was luxury toilet rolls
And he pleaded quilty to the charge
ON THE JOURNEY TO WORK
On the journey to work
I had a nightmare
But I woke up before I ran
Anyone down to be fair
THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ
The sign in the layby read
“No dumping” it was hard to miss
But luckily it didn’t apply to me
Because I only needed a piss
THERE WAS AN IRRITATING WHINING SOUND
There was an irritating whining sound
As I was driving to work today
I ignored it and drove on into town
To drop my wife off and then it was ok
DO YOU WANT TO SEE A NAKED HARPIST
“Do you want to see a naked harpist?”
I was asked and of course replied yes please
But I was told that I mustn’t touch the harp
Because of the risk of catching harpies
I ONCE WENT OUT WITH A HARPIST
I once went out with a harpist
Who played it naked, except for specs
She wasn’t very good but afterwards
We had No strings attached sex
I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS
I picked up a tray of Lamb chops
Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop
I refused to buy them on the basis
That I thought that was a bit racist
MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS
My neighbours are obnoxious, rude
And loud and they’re doing in my cranium
They are so intolerable that I finally
Know, what it must be like to be a Canadian
I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR
I got chatting on the Euro Star
And I really rather enjoyed it
First I made a Belgian waffle
And then a Frenchman talk shit
Showing posts with label Variety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Variety. Show all posts
Wednesday 22 June 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 124
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 374
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t’ve oughter
Now she has a dose of chlamydia
And Jack has trouble passing water
IF THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS
If the masculine pronouns
Are he, his and him
Why then is it the feminine
Are not she, shis and shim
THE OBESITY TIME BOMB
The media keep talking about
An obesity time bomb
Well I hope I’m nowhere nearby
When it goes off chum
THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF TALK LATELY
There’s been a lot of talk lately
In the media about blue on blue
But it shouldn’t be a surprise
Because that’s Smurf porn for you
LUXEMBOURG IS A MUCH SMALLER COUNTRY
Luxembourg is a much smaller country
But nonetheless in a tournament year
They share something with England
Which is their FIFA Ranking I fear
WE MUST REWRITE THE HISTORY BOOKS
We must rewrite the history books
King Tut was not really Egyptian
Dad was a Scot, his Mum Spanish
And he was named Tartan Carmen
A MAJOR FIRE CAUSED PANIC
A major fire caused panic
And was causing great harm
It was in the aroma candle factory
So things soon became calm
I REGULARLY DONATE BLOOD
I regularly donate blood
So I feel I’m doing my bit
But for some of the donor’s
It’s like self-harm for a biscuit
SHE SAID SHE WAS A BUSH DOCTOR
I completely misunderstood
But then I was a bit pissed
She said she was a Bush Doctor
So I thought “she’s a gynaecologist”
CHAMPAGNE TO YOUR REAL FRIENDS?
Champagne to your real friends?
And real pain to your sham friends?
Well that’s Not my idea of friends
I MISUNDERSTOOD ABOUT PPI
I misunderstood about PPI
And I really feel such a fool
I thought you got it if you didn’t
Wear your goggles at the pool
WHEN WE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE
When we reached cruising altitude
As we headed for another continent
The cabin light dimmed to enhance,
The appearance of our flight attendant
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t’ve oughter
Now she has a dose of chlamydia
And Jack has trouble passing water
IF THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS
If the masculine pronouns
Are he, his and him
Why then is it the feminine
Are not she, shis and shim
THE OBESITY TIME BOMB
The media keep talking about
An obesity time bomb
Well I hope I’m nowhere nearby
When it goes off chum
THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF TALK LATELY
There’s been a lot of talk lately
In the media about blue on blue
But it shouldn’t be a surprise
Because that’s Smurf porn for you
LUXEMBOURG IS A MUCH SMALLER COUNTRY
Luxembourg is a much smaller country
But nonetheless in a tournament year
They share something with England
Which is their FIFA Ranking I fear
WE MUST REWRITE THE HISTORY BOOKS
We must rewrite the history books
King Tut was not really Egyptian
Dad was a Scot, his Mum Spanish
And he was named Tartan Carmen
A MAJOR FIRE CAUSED PANIC
A major fire caused panic
And was causing great harm
It was in the aroma candle factory
So things soon became calm
I REGULARLY DONATE BLOOD
I regularly donate blood
So I feel I’m doing my bit
But for some of the donor’s
It’s like self-harm for a biscuit
SHE SAID SHE WAS A BUSH DOCTOR
I completely misunderstood
But then I was a bit pissed
She said she was a Bush Doctor
So I thought “she’s a gynaecologist”
CHAMPAGNE TO YOUR REAL FRIENDS?
Champagne to your real friends?
And real pain to your sham friends?
Well that’s Not my idea of friends
I MISUNDERSTOOD ABOUT PPI
I misunderstood about PPI
And I really feel such a fool
I thought you got it if you didn’t
Wear your goggles at the pool
WHEN WE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE
When we reached cruising altitude
As we headed for another continent
The cabin light dimmed to enhance,
The appearance of our flight attendant
A Little Bit Of Humour # 123
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 373
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
The former was a grump
But the latter was a charmer
SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 1
So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular hat
Would in the plural
Be hats and never hose
THE LVG WAY
Your team should always have a plan “B”
In modern football you would have to say
Unfortunately for Manchester United though
Louis van Gaal doesn’t have a plan “A”
YESTERDAY I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR
Yesterday I went to see the doctor
Because I was feeling like hell
And he said, “You've got hypochondria”
“Oh no” I said “Not that as well”
WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT
We were eating at an Indian restaurant
When we received news of the trauma
We all found it very distressing
My naan had slipped into a Korma
MY NEIGHBOUR STOLE MY SHOES
My neighbour stole my shoes
He’s the nicest man you could meet
I was going to confront him?
But at the last minute I got cold feet
WHEN I WAS STILL A LITTLE KID
When I was still a little kid
I thought my grandad was a hero
Because he was Lollipop man
And I thought that was a superhero
MY GRANDAD WAS KILLED BY A ZULU
I was always led to believe that
My grandad was killed by a Zulu
But he was killed when the roof
Collapsed in a London Zoo Loo
I LEARNED COUNTING USING DRIED SEMOLINA
I learned counting using dried semolina
Everything else was superfluous
It’s the way we used to do it in Morocco
It was what we call our Abacouscous
I’M PAST MY SELL BY DATE
According to my wife
I’m past my sell by date
But for my children,
I’ve not passed my use by date
MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS
Mr Onion told a joke in class
He’s a bore so I don’t know why
But he told it anyway and we
didn’t know Whether to laugh or cry
BURNING ALL HER BILLS
My next-door neighbour
At number ninety two
Has been burning all her bills
But, that’s Bernadette for you
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
The former was a grump
But the latter was a charmer
SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 1
So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular hat
Would in the plural
Be hats and never hose
THE LVG WAY
Your team should always have a plan “B”
In modern football you would have to say
Unfortunately for Manchester United though
Louis van Gaal doesn’t have a plan “A”
YESTERDAY I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR
Yesterday I went to see the doctor
Because I was feeling like hell
And he said, “You've got hypochondria”
“Oh no” I said “Not that as well”
WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT
We were eating at an Indian restaurant
When we received news of the trauma
We all found it very distressing
My naan had slipped into a Korma
MY NEIGHBOUR STOLE MY SHOES
My neighbour stole my shoes
He’s the nicest man you could meet
I was going to confront him?
But at the last minute I got cold feet
WHEN I WAS STILL A LITTLE KID
When I was still a little kid
I thought my grandad was a hero
Because he was Lollipop man
And I thought that was a superhero
MY GRANDAD WAS KILLED BY A ZULU
I was always led to believe that
My grandad was killed by a Zulu
But he was killed when the roof
Collapsed in a London Zoo Loo
I LEARNED COUNTING USING DRIED SEMOLINA
I learned counting using dried semolina
Everything else was superfluous
It’s the way we used to do it in Morocco
It was what we call our Abacouscous
I’M PAST MY SELL BY DATE
According to my wife
I’m past my sell by date
But for my children,
I’ve not passed my use by date
MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS
Mr Onion told a joke in class
He’s a bore so I don’t know why
But he told it anyway and we
didn’t know Whether to laugh or cry
BURNING ALL HER BILLS
My next-door neighbour
At number ninety two
Has been burning all her bills
But, that’s Bernadette for you
Wednesday 11 May 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 122
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 372
Star light, star bright,
The first star I saw tonight
Was truly an epic fail
It was a z-lister from Emmerdale
THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE
If in your home sweet home
You find a solitary mouse
Then it is perfectly acceptable
To call it a house mouse
But if in your home sweet home
You find that you have mice
Then it is quite unacceptable
To refer to them as hice mice
THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE
The waitress asked “Do you have
Any questions about the menu?”
My brother in law replied
“Is this font courier new?”
THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE
There is a simple truth in life
And it’s an honest admission
It is much easier to apologize
Than it is to ask permission
I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED
I have always believed
That it’s quite absurd
That “abbreviation”
Is such a long word
THE SMELL OF BOOKS
I think that the people who say they
Love the smell of books are jerks
Because it’s perfectly clearly they
Don’t know how reading books works
THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH PRESSURE
There is always so much pressure
To be with people on a holiday
But if there was only one
On which to go your own way
Then that one would of course be
On Independence Day
FORTUNE COOKIE
When you’ve finished your dinner
A fortune cookie would suit yer
But if there is no fortune in it
That means you don’t have a future
THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY
The inventor of the Allen key
Made nothing off it
Despite the fact that
It certainly turned a profit
IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2
If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then a solo is a lonesome
I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY
I visit my grandad regularly
Even though he’s a little daft
He has the windows open when
He makes me play draughts
APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD
Apparently a good compost heap should
Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,
But not so hot it would cook a lobster
Well poached or not I am not eating it
MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER
My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time
I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK
I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way
(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)
FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy deadlock
Star light, star bright,
The first star I saw tonight
Was truly an epic fail
It was a z-lister from Emmerdale
THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE
If in your home sweet home
You find a solitary mouse
Then it is perfectly acceptable
To call it a house mouse
But if in your home sweet home
You find that you have mice
Then it is quite unacceptable
To refer to them as hice mice
THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE
The waitress asked “Do you have
Any questions about the menu?”
My brother in law replied
“Is this font courier new?”
THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE
There is a simple truth in life
And it’s an honest admission
It is much easier to apologize
Than it is to ask permission
I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED
I have always believed
That it’s quite absurd
That “abbreviation”
Is such a long word
THE SMELL OF BOOKS
I think that the people who say they
Love the smell of books are jerks
Because it’s perfectly clearly they
Don’t know how reading books works
THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH PRESSURE
There is always so much pressure
To be with people on a holiday
But if there was only one
On which to go your own way
Then that one would of course be
On Independence Day
FORTUNE COOKIE
When you’ve finished your dinner
A fortune cookie would suit yer
But if there is no fortune in it
That means you don’t have a future
THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY
The inventor of the Allen key
Made nothing off it
Despite the fact that
It certainly turned a profit
IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2
If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then a solo is a lonesome
I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY
I visit my grandad regularly
Even though he’s a little daft
He has the windows open when
He makes me play draughts
APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD
Apparently a good compost heap should
Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,
But not so hot it would cook a lobster
Well poached or not I am not eating it
MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER
My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time
I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK
I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way
(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)
FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy deadlock
A Little Bit Of Humour # 121
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 371
Oh, where have you been,
Billy Boy, Billy Boy?
Oh, where have you been,
Charming Billy?
It’s a rhetorical question
Billy Boy, Billy Boy
Because I know you’ve been
Chasing a filly
THE PLURAL OF BOX
So if it is correct that
The plural of box is boxes
Then why is the plural of ox
Oxen and not Oxes
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 3
If clergymen can be defrocked
Can a promoter be demoted?
Should writers be described?
And musicians be denoted?
IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 1
If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then solo is a handsome
IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL
If I had a pound for each and every girl
That said that they found me unattractive,
It would increase my worth eventually
And then they would find me attractive
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL
I always thought that alcohol
Made me funnier, smarter, oh
And a much better dancer
But then I saw myself on video
IF I’M SMILING, I'M THINKING
If I’m smiling, I'm thinking
Of doing something naughty
If you see me laughing, its
Because I've done it already
PROBLEMS ARE ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE
Problems are all about perspective
One of those “cup half full” affairs
So Escalators don't break down
They just magically turn into stairs.
SOME OF US LEARN FROM
Some of us learn from
The mistakes of others
The rest of us are destined
To be the others
I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE BIG WORDS
I hate people who use big words
I think it’s pretentious
And they only do it to make
Themselves look perspicacious
MANY MODERN HOMES NOW
Many modern homes now
Have a panic room in it
But to my two daughters
And my dear wife Brigit
Any room is a panic room
When they’ve lost a phone in it
ONE OF LIFE’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
One of life’s universal truths
Is not really much of a surprise
But behind every great man
There’s a woman rolling her eyes
A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN
A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient
MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM
My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out
FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER
Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo
Oh, where have you been,
Billy Boy, Billy Boy?
Oh, where have you been,
Charming Billy?
It’s a rhetorical question
Billy Boy, Billy Boy
Because I know you’ve been
Chasing a filly
THE PLURAL OF BOX
So if it is correct that
The plural of box is boxes
Then why is the plural of ox
Oxen and not Oxes
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 3
If clergymen can be defrocked
Can a promoter be demoted?
Should writers be described?
And musicians be denoted?
IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 1
If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then solo is a handsome
IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL
If I had a pound for each and every girl
That said that they found me unattractive,
It would increase my worth eventually
And then they would find me attractive
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL
I always thought that alcohol
Made me funnier, smarter, oh
And a much better dancer
But then I saw myself on video
IF I’M SMILING, I'M THINKING
If I’m smiling, I'm thinking
Of doing something naughty
If you see me laughing, its
Because I've done it already
PROBLEMS ARE ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE
Problems are all about perspective
One of those “cup half full” affairs
So Escalators don't break down
They just magically turn into stairs.
SOME OF US LEARN FROM
Some of us learn from
The mistakes of others
The rest of us are destined
To be the others
I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE BIG WORDS
I hate people who use big words
I think it’s pretentious
And they only do it to make
Themselves look perspicacious
MANY MODERN HOMES NOW
Many modern homes now
Have a panic room in it
But to my two daughters
And my dear wife Brigit
Any room is a panic room
When they’ve lost a phone in it
ONE OF LIFE’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
One of life’s universal truths
Is not really much of a surprise
But behind every great man
There’s a woman rolling her eyes
A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN
A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient
MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM
My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out
FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER
Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo
A Little Bit Of Humour # 120
WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
BONSAI GRANDAD
My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 370
Diddledy, diddledy, dumpty
The cat ran up the plum-tree
But then so would you chum
If they were after your plums
THE PLURAL OF MOUSE
So if it is correct that
The plural of mouse is mice
Then why is the plural of house
Houses and not hice
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 3
It is a sad fact of life that if
Times are going well
You have overlooked something
And it will all go to hell
IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 2
If Lawyers can be disbarred
Can dustmen be well disposed?
Or can tour guides be detoured
And must models be deposed?
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 2
My son jokes about my age
He is always making light
He says when I was a boy
Rainbows were black and white
DR. PEPPER IS A DR.
Dr. Pepper is a Dr.
But that’s the twist
But what kind,
I guess he’s a fizzicist
A YOUNG MAN GOT MUGGED
A young man got mugged
By a magician last year
He took a wallet, a watch,
And the coin from behind his ear
THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED
The Airplane was invented
By an optimist
While the parachute was
Invented by a pessimist
I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING
I have a phobia about flying
And I won’t fly Virgin, no way
After all why use an airline
That doesn’t go all the way?
YOU SHOULD NEVER GET BACK
You should never get back
Together with an old flame
It’s like having a garage sale
And buying your stuff back again
NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT WOMEN
New evidence indicates that women
Who carry a little extra weight
Will live considerably longer
Than the men who mention it mate
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTION
There is absolutely no substitution
Or for that matter an easy solution
For a genuine lack of preparation
FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 1
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy padlock
Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
BONSAI GRANDAD
My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 370
Diddledy, diddledy, dumpty
The cat ran up the plum-tree
But then so would you chum
If they were after your plums
THE PLURAL OF MOUSE
So if it is correct that
The plural of mouse is mice
Then why is the plural of house
Houses and not hice
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 3
It is a sad fact of life that if
Times are going well
You have overlooked something
And it will all go to hell
IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 2
If Lawyers can be disbarred
Can dustmen be well disposed?
Or can tour guides be detoured
And must models be deposed?
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 2
My son jokes about my age
He is always making light
He says when I was a boy
Rainbows were black and white
DR. PEPPER IS A DR.
Dr. Pepper is a Dr.
But that’s the twist
But what kind,
I guess he’s a fizzicist
A YOUNG MAN GOT MUGGED
A young man got mugged
By a magician last year
He took a wallet, a watch,
And the coin from behind his ear
THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED
The Airplane was invented
By an optimist
While the parachute was
Invented by a pessimist
I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING
I have a phobia about flying
And I won’t fly Virgin, no way
After all why use an airline
That doesn’t go all the way?
YOU SHOULD NEVER GET BACK
You should never get back
Together with an old flame
It’s like having a garage sale
And buying your stuff back again
NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT WOMEN
New evidence indicates that women
Who carry a little extra weight
Will live considerably longer
Than the men who mention it mate
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTION
There is absolutely no substitution
Or for that matter an easy solution
For a genuine lack of preparation
FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 1
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy padlock
A Little Bit Of Humour # 119
WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride
GARDENING RULE
If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 369
Oh, the grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
But when they were not up nor down
The grand old Duke forgot they were there
But that was an occupational hazard
As he had early onset dementia
THE PLURAL OF MAN
So if it is correct that
The plural of man is men
Then why is the plural of pan,
Pans and not pen
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 2
It is a sad fact of life that is
Inherently unfair
If there are four ways
In which a thing can go wrong
A fifth way will occur
IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 1
If Lawyers can be disbarred
then will fishermen be debated?
Will magicians be disillusioned?
And politicians denominated?
FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF A FIRST CLASS STAMP
For the bargain price of a first class stamp
You can trust a letter to the post master
But it won’t be delivered the next day
And second class won’t arrive the day after
MY GRANDFATHER WAS A BIT DEAF
My Grandfather was a bit deaf
He couldn’t hear with clarity
When Neville Chamberlain
Declared our common enemy
He thought that England had
Declared war on Jeremy
SENTIMENTALITY
The man lived with a wife
Who was overly sentimental
And after many years of marriage
It finally sent him mental
MY YOUNG SON JUSTIN WAS KNOCKED OUT
My young son Justin was knocked out
Of the latest school’s spelling bee bout
Armageddon was the word that did it
But hey it’s not the end of the world is it
ARE YOU WEARING MORMON GARMENTS?
Are you wearing Mormon garments?
The ones like cool white milk
Are they supposed to be sacred?
Or something of that ilk
Or to preserve your modesty
In sensual soft shimmering silk
ALL ABOUT RACIST SEAFOOD
I saw something shocking
On one of those nature programs
All about racist seafood
They were the Ku Klux Clams
THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
The grass is not greener on the other side
Of the fence, that’s what they tell me
But, what if they’re wrong about that
And you never actually take a look and see
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY
I always wanted to be somebody,
Which proved to be impolitic
Because I realize that maybe
I should have been more specific.
DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC, INSOMNIAC
Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac
His traits were a catalogue
And he stayed up all night
Deciding if there really is a dog
Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride
GARDENING RULE
If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 369
Oh, the grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
But when they were not up nor down
The grand old Duke forgot they were there
But that was an occupational hazard
As he had early onset dementia
THE PLURAL OF MAN
So if it is correct that
The plural of man is men
Then why is the plural of pan,
Pans and not pen
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 2
It is a sad fact of life that is
Inherently unfair
If there are four ways
In which a thing can go wrong
A fifth way will occur
IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 1
If Lawyers can be disbarred
then will fishermen be debated?
Will magicians be disillusioned?
And politicians denominated?
FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF A FIRST CLASS STAMP
For the bargain price of a first class stamp
You can trust a letter to the post master
But it won’t be delivered the next day
And second class won’t arrive the day after
MY GRANDFATHER WAS A BIT DEAF
My Grandfather was a bit deaf
He couldn’t hear with clarity
When Neville Chamberlain
Declared our common enemy
He thought that England had
Declared war on Jeremy
SENTIMENTALITY
The man lived with a wife
Who was overly sentimental
And after many years of marriage
It finally sent him mental
MY YOUNG SON JUSTIN WAS KNOCKED OUT
My young son Justin was knocked out
Of the latest school’s spelling bee bout
Armageddon was the word that did it
But hey it’s not the end of the world is it
ARE YOU WEARING MORMON GARMENTS?
Are you wearing Mormon garments?
The ones like cool white milk
Are they supposed to be sacred?
Or something of that ilk
Or to preserve your modesty
In sensual soft shimmering silk
ALL ABOUT RACIST SEAFOOD
I saw something shocking
On one of those nature programs
All about racist seafood
They were the Ku Klux Clams
THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
The grass is not greener on the other side
Of the fence, that’s what they tell me
But, what if they’re wrong about that
And you never actually take a look and see
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY
I always wanted to be somebody,
Which proved to be impolitic
Because I realize that maybe
I should have been more specific.
DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC, INSOMNIAC
Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac
His traits were a catalogue
And he stayed up all night
Deciding if there really is a dog
A Little Bit Of Humour # 118
WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride
WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN
When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 368
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
He goes to the doctor without hesitation
And four hours later has a penis extension
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 3
Are you wearing odd socks?
Well it’s not quirky or hipster
And I don’t think it was your intent
I think you must have dementia
THE PLURAL OF FOOT
So if it is correct that
The plural of foot is feet
Then why is the plural of boot,
Boots and not beet
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 2
It is a sad fact of life that if
There is a worse time, when
Something can go wrong
Of course it will happen then
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 2
If clergymen can be defrocked
Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed
Or must songwriters be de-composed
And hair stylists get dis-tressed?
WHEN THE PRINCESS FOUND THE FROG
When the princess found the frog
And the kiss was firmly planted
The prince turned out to be gay
And the Princess was disenchanted
BIMBETTE IS NOT THE BRIGHTEST
Bimbette is not the brightest
And living with her is very hard
In fact she’s the reason
The gene pool needs a lifeguard
I MADE MY GIRL BIMBETTE
I made my girl Bimbette
Really laugh on Saturday
The only problem is I told
Her the joke on Wednesday
MEN LIKE LOGIC AND SEX
Men like logic and sex
In fact they really like it
But sex better than logic
Though I can't prove it
PUT DOWN # 59
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “you are the sun and the moon”
Simply don’t be taken in by it
And just say “I may love to shop
But I'm not buying your bullshit”
BIMBETTE SAYS SHE CAN COUNT TO SEVENTY
Bimbette says she can count to seventy
But I think that’s very doubtful
Because in my experience she always
Finds sixty nine a bit of a mouthful
SOME PEOPLE ARE UP BEAT
Some people are up beat
And see life as a positive
But I was born to be a pessimist
Even my blood type is B Negative
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 1
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says that my first passport
Was written on a scroll
Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride
WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN
When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 368
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
He goes to the doctor without hesitation
And four hours later has a penis extension
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 3
Are you wearing odd socks?
Well it’s not quirky or hipster
And I don’t think it was your intent
I think you must have dementia
THE PLURAL OF FOOT
So if it is correct that
The plural of foot is feet
Then why is the plural of boot,
Boots and not beet
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 2
It is a sad fact of life that if
There is a worse time, when
Something can go wrong
Of course it will happen then
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 2
If clergymen can be defrocked
Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed
Or must songwriters be de-composed
And hair stylists get dis-tressed?
WHEN THE PRINCESS FOUND THE FROG
When the princess found the frog
And the kiss was firmly planted
The prince turned out to be gay
And the Princess was disenchanted
BIMBETTE IS NOT THE BRIGHTEST
Bimbette is not the brightest
And living with her is very hard
In fact she’s the reason
The gene pool needs a lifeguard
I MADE MY GIRL BIMBETTE
I made my girl Bimbette
Really laugh on Saturday
The only problem is I told
Her the joke on Wednesday
MEN LIKE LOGIC AND SEX
Men like logic and sex
In fact they really like it
But sex better than logic
Though I can't prove it
PUT DOWN # 59
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “you are the sun and the moon”
Simply don’t be taken in by it
And just say “I may love to shop
But I'm not buying your bullshit”
BIMBETTE SAYS SHE CAN COUNT TO SEVENTY
Bimbette says she can count to seventy
But I think that’s very doubtful
Because in my experience she always
Finds sixty nine a bit of a mouthful
SOME PEOPLE ARE UP BEAT
Some people are up beat
And see life as a positive
But I was born to be a pessimist
Even my blood type is B Negative
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 1
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says that my first passport
Was written on a scroll
A Little Bit Of Humour # 117
WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride
TO A GARDENER
To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 2
Are you wearing odd socks?
I suppose the look is a bit hipster
But honestly at your age, you are
Meat and drink for a quipster
THE PLURAL OF TOOTH
So if it is correct that
The plural of tooth is teeth
Then why isn’t the plural
Of booth, beeth
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1
It is a sad fact of life that if
Several things can go to cock,
The one to be befall you
Will cause the most shock
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 1
If clergymen can be defrocked
And lawyers be disbarred
Then that must mean that
Tree surgeons can be debarked
MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD
My brother in law is from Stratford
He went to Shakespeare's school
No of course he didn’t know him
He was in the year above you fool
THE EXITED STATES OF AMERICA
The exited states of America
Have an upcoming election
And a Trump victory will make
The united states of aggression
A CONFUSED SPERM ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS
A confused sperm asked for directions
Not really a masculine trait
But he asked and was told
Oh I wouldn’t start from here mate
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 2
That's political correctness that is
When my little neighbour Allen
A short ass with a chip on his shoulder
Is actually vertically challenged
MY WIFE DROVE HER FIRST HUSBAND
My wife drove her first husband
To shoot himself in despair
But she only drove her second
To the bottom of a bottle to be fair
PUT DOWN # 60
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him unless he persists then say
“How many times do I have to flush
Before you go away?”
SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, ACCORDING TO THE SONG
Suicide is painless, according to the song
I think it’s supposed to be a witticism
But I have always thought of suicide
As the most sincere form of self-criticism
MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE
My brother and I are chalk and cheese
As hard as I try we just don’t fit
i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign
He has an urge to relieve himself on it
WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN
When a ninety two year old man
Married his eighteen year old bride
She had a blush on her cheeks
And after the wedding breakfast
She was presented with the presents
And he was given two weeks
Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride
TO A GARDENER
To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 2
Are you wearing odd socks?
I suppose the look is a bit hipster
But honestly at your age, you are
Meat and drink for a quipster
THE PLURAL OF TOOTH
So if it is correct that
The plural of tooth is teeth
Then why isn’t the plural
Of booth, beeth
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1
It is a sad fact of life that if
Several things can go to cock,
The one to be befall you
Will cause the most shock
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 1
If clergymen can be defrocked
And lawyers be disbarred
Then that must mean that
Tree surgeons can be debarked
MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD
My brother in law is from Stratford
He went to Shakespeare's school
No of course he didn’t know him
He was in the year above you fool
THE EXITED STATES OF AMERICA
The exited states of America
Have an upcoming election
And a Trump victory will make
The united states of aggression
A CONFUSED SPERM ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS
A confused sperm asked for directions
Not really a masculine trait
But he asked and was told
Oh I wouldn’t start from here mate
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 2
That's political correctness that is
When my little neighbour Allen
A short ass with a chip on his shoulder
Is actually vertically challenged
MY WIFE DROVE HER FIRST HUSBAND
My wife drove her first husband
To shoot himself in despair
But she only drove her second
To the bottom of a bottle to be fair
PUT DOWN # 60
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him unless he persists then say
“How many times do I have to flush
Before you go away?”
SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, ACCORDING TO THE SONG
Suicide is painless, according to the song
I think it’s supposed to be a witticism
But I have always thought of suicide
As the most sincere form of self-criticism
MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE
My brother and I are chalk and cheese
As hard as I try we just don’t fit
i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign
He has an urge to relieve himself on it
WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN
When a ninety two year old man
Married his eighteen year old bride
She had a blush on her cheeks
And after the wedding breakfast
She was presented with the presents
And he was given two weeks
A Little Bit Of Humour # 116
WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED
A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 367
Mary had a little lamb
She couldn’t stop it bleating
So Mary snapped and the lamb
Made very good eating
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 1
Are you wearing odd socks?
Well that’s quirky in the youth
And it’s quite nice to see, but
But on you they look stupid in truth
THE PLURAL OF GOOSE
So if it is correct that
The plural of goose is geese
Then why isn’t the plural
Of moose, meese
THE SEX WAS SO GOOD LAST NIGHT
The sex was so good last night
With my girlfriend Bimbette
That after it was over even
The neighbours had a cigarette.
I QUIT MY JOB AT THE REFINERY
I quit my job at the refinery
In the helium gas zone
It was a good job but I refused
To be spoken to in that tone
SHOTS WERE FIRED AT THE CHOIR
Shots were fired at the choir
Which has affected morale
The Arizona News called it
“Gunfight at the Ok Chorale”
PUT DOWN # 58
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he falters and flirts with you
He is only flattering to deceive
So ignore him, but if he persists ask
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 1
It is a sad fact of life that is
Something of a curse
Left to themselves things
Will go from bad to worse
THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS
The inventor of dental floss
Was honoured and hailed
When a piece of commemorative
Plaque was unveiled
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
The Guinness book of records
Have published an update
The world’s untidiest man has died
And his body is lying in a state
A CHICKEN AT THE MOVIES
A chicken at the movies
Made the whole theatre look
So the manager asked
“Why are you here chook?”
The chicken replied,
“Well, because I liked the book”
I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO EXERCISE
I have been told to exercise
But I am deliberately refraining
As refusing to go to the gym
Counts as resistance training
HOSPITALITY IS AN ART FORM
Hospitality is an art form
Making your guests feel
Like they're actually at home,
While wishing they were for real
Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED
A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 367
Mary had a little lamb
She couldn’t stop it bleating
So Mary snapped and the lamb
Made very good eating
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 1
Are you wearing odd socks?
Well that’s quirky in the youth
And it’s quite nice to see, but
But on you they look stupid in truth
THE PLURAL OF GOOSE
So if it is correct that
The plural of goose is geese
Then why isn’t the plural
Of moose, meese
THE SEX WAS SO GOOD LAST NIGHT
The sex was so good last night
With my girlfriend Bimbette
That after it was over even
The neighbours had a cigarette.
I QUIT MY JOB AT THE REFINERY
I quit my job at the refinery
In the helium gas zone
It was a good job but I refused
To be spoken to in that tone
SHOTS WERE FIRED AT THE CHOIR
Shots were fired at the choir
Which has affected morale
The Arizona News called it
“Gunfight at the Ok Chorale”
PUT DOWN # 58
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he falters and flirts with you
He is only flattering to deceive
So ignore him, but if he persists ask
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 1
It is a sad fact of life that is
Something of a curse
Left to themselves things
Will go from bad to worse
THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS
The inventor of dental floss
Was honoured and hailed
When a piece of commemorative
Plaque was unveiled
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
The Guinness book of records
Have published an update
The world’s untidiest man has died
And his body is lying in a state
A CHICKEN AT THE MOVIES
A chicken at the movies
Made the whole theatre look
So the manager asked
“Why are you here chook?”
The chicken replied,
“Well, because I liked the book”
I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO EXERCISE
I have been told to exercise
But I am deliberately refraining
As refusing to go to the gym
Counts as resistance training
HOSPITALITY IS AN ART FORM
Hospitality is an art form
Making your guests feel
Like they're actually at home,
While wishing they were for real
Tuesday 5 April 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 115
TO A GARDENER
To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear
WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride
WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN
When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error
THE SIMPLE RED ROSE WAS ONCE
The simple red rose was once
The emblem of the English
But alas it has been replaced
In England by the satellite dish
WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride
BONSAI GRANDAD
My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller
THE MELONS ARE HAVING A BIG WEDDING
The Melons are having a big wedding
“Hello magazine” have the scoop
However they don’t really want
A big affair but they cantaloupe
WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
THE MOST POPULAR NUDISTS
The most popular man in a nudist colony
Can carry 2 large coffees and twelve donuts
The most popular woman in a nudist colony
Is the one who can eat the last two donuts
THE WAY TO GARDEN EFFECTIVELY
To garden effectively, firstly, put on a hat
But be very careful, and choose the right one
Straw preferably, and it should have a
Wide brim to protect you from the sun
Some old clothes, but nothing too scruffy
It should be a stylish yet practical rig
And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink
In the other, tell somebody else where to dig
To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear
WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride
WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN
When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error
THE SIMPLE RED ROSE WAS ONCE
The simple red rose was once
The emblem of the English
But alas it has been replaced
In England by the satellite dish
WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride
BONSAI GRANDAD
My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller
THE MELONS ARE HAVING A BIG WEDDING
The Melons are having a big wedding
“Hello magazine” have the scoop
However they don’t really want
A big affair but they cantaloupe
WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
THE MOST POPULAR NUDISTS
The most popular man in a nudist colony
Can carry 2 large coffees and twelve donuts
The most popular woman in a nudist colony
Is the one who can eat the last two donuts
THE WAY TO GARDEN EFFECTIVELY
To garden effectively, firstly, put on a hat
But be very careful, and choose the right one
Straw preferably, and it should have a
Wide brim to protect you from the sun
Some old clothes, but nothing too scruffy
It should be a stylish yet practical rig
And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink
In the other, tell somebody else where to dig
A Little Bit Of Humour # 114
WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
THERE IS AN OWL OF LOW MORALS
There is an Owl of low morals
That frequents our park
And subsequently it doesn’t
Give a hoot after dark
A ROYAL WARRANT
In order for a Baker to get
A Royal warrant, it is said
They need to be like many
Royals and be inter-bred
THE BORDER AGENCY ARE STRUGGLING
The border agency are struggling
To prevent mosquitos from getting in
They’re very cunning creatures
Who all claim to be Asylum Zika’s
OUR NEIGHBOURS ARE ORGANIC DAIRY FARMERS
Our neighbours are organic dairy farmers
With special diets and all that ilk
N’owt good ever came of pampering cows
And all you’ll ever get is spoilt milk
NOBEL PRIZE’S
They give Nobel Prize’s for anything now
And the latest recipient has been revealed
The winner is a scarecrow of all things
Mind you he is outstanding in his field
IT RAINS IN ENGLAND
England has a reputation for being wet
And it’s a well-deserved one I fear
And the simple reason for that is that
The Queen has reigned so many years
IN THE VEGETABLE WORLD
In the vegetable world, the posh potatoes
Never listen to football on the radio
There is nothing they dislike greater
Than the sound of a Common-tater
A DOCTOR POINTED OUT
A Doctor pointed out a piece of lettuce
That protruded from the patient’s ear
And added that it might be serious
As it could be the tip of the iceberg
AMONG ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN
Among abominable snowmen
There is a virgin called Betty
And to all her kith and kin
She is known as a not Yeti
WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride
Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
THERE IS AN OWL OF LOW MORALS
There is an Owl of low morals
That frequents our park
And subsequently it doesn’t
Give a hoot after dark
A ROYAL WARRANT
In order for a Baker to get
A Royal warrant, it is said
They need to be like many
Royals and be inter-bred
THE BORDER AGENCY ARE STRUGGLING
The border agency are struggling
To prevent mosquitos from getting in
They’re very cunning creatures
Who all claim to be Asylum Zika’s
OUR NEIGHBOURS ARE ORGANIC DAIRY FARMERS
Our neighbours are organic dairy farmers
With special diets and all that ilk
N’owt good ever came of pampering cows
And all you’ll ever get is spoilt milk
NOBEL PRIZE’S
They give Nobel Prize’s for anything now
And the latest recipient has been revealed
The winner is a scarecrow of all things
Mind you he is outstanding in his field
IT RAINS IN ENGLAND
England has a reputation for being wet
And it’s a well-deserved one I fear
And the simple reason for that is that
The Queen has reigned so many years
IN THE VEGETABLE WORLD
In the vegetable world, the posh potatoes
Never listen to football on the radio
There is nothing they dislike greater
Than the sound of a Common-tater
A DOCTOR POINTED OUT
A Doctor pointed out a piece of lettuce
That protruded from the patient’s ear
And added that it might be serious
As it could be the tip of the iceberg
AMONG ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN
Among abominable snowmen
There is a virgin called Betty
And to all her kith and kin
She is known as a not Yeti
WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride
A Little Bit Of Humour # 113
GARDENING RULE
If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed
SHEER EXTRAVAGANCE
A husband pays five hundred pounds
To get his wife a sheer negligée
So she thought she should pose for him
As it was a lot of money to pay
But decided to pretend to wear the item
And then next day get a refund on it
He looked on wide eyed and said
“For the price they could have ironed it”
WHY DID THE PHILANDERER CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the philanderer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
WE USED TO HAVE AN OWL
We used to have an Owl
He was really cute
But he had low self esteem
So didn’t give a hoot
A TODDLER STARTS CHEWING ON A SLUG
A toddler starts chewing on a slug
As mum looks on and squirms
But she asked what it tasted like
And the toddler replied "Worms"
A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED
A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows
A MAN WAS LEFT MENTALLY SCARRED
A man was left mentally scarred
After swinging from trees in his yard
When a branch snagged on his leotard
So he was hoisted on his own petard
I’M A REALLY RUBBISH GARDENER
I’m a really rubbish gardener
I find it all a bit of a chore
If only I was better outside
At simple horticulture
And grow stuff in the garden
Like I do in the refrigerator
WHY DID THE VOYEUR CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the voyeur cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
NEVER LOSE YOUR HEART TO A TENNIS PLAYER
Never lose your heart to a tennis player
And that goes for women and men
But it’s not that they are bad people
It’s just that love means nothing to them
BREAK A LEG
Telling actors to "Break a leg"
Is a tradition from long past
And the reason for it is this
Actors like to be in a good cast
WEEDS AND FLOWERS
The difference between
Weeds and flowers
Is without a doubt
That the garden weeds
Are the most difficult
By far to pull out
If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed
SHEER EXTRAVAGANCE
A husband pays five hundred pounds
To get his wife a sheer negligée
So she thought she should pose for him
As it was a lot of money to pay
But decided to pretend to wear the item
And then next day get a refund on it
He looked on wide eyed and said
“For the price they could have ironed it”
WHY DID THE PHILANDERER CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the philanderer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
WE USED TO HAVE AN OWL
We used to have an Owl
He was really cute
But he had low self esteem
So didn’t give a hoot
A TODDLER STARTS CHEWING ON A SLUG
A toddler starts chewing on a slug
As mum looks on and squirms
But she asked what it tasted like
And the toddler replied "Worms"
A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED
A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows
A MAN WAS LEFT MENTALLY SCARRED
A man was left mentally scarred
After swinging from trees in his yard
When a branch snagged on his leotard
So he was hoisted on his own petard
I’M A REALLY RUBBISH GARDENER
I’m a really rubbish gardener
I find it all a bit of a chore
If only I was better outside
At simple horticulture
And grow stuff in the garden
Like I do in the refrigerator
WHY DID THE VOYEUR CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the voyeur cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
NEVER LOSE YOUR HEART TO A TENNIS PLAYER
Never lose your heart to a tennis player
And that goes for women and men
But it’s not that they are bad people
It’s just that love means nothing to them
BREAK A LEG
Telling actors to "Break a leg"
Is a tradition from long past
And the reason for it is this
Actors like to be in a good cast
WEEDS AND FLOWERS
The difference between
Weeds and flowers
Is without a doubt
That the garden weeds
Are the most difficult
By far to pull out
Monday 22 February 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 112
THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE DROPPING
The Russian Airforce are dropping
Amazon bombs on Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
FOGHORN LEGHORN LEFT
Foghorn Leghorn left
The basketball court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard
The ref blew a foul
ROYAL ETIQUETTE
If you can’t turn your back
On her majesty
How can the royal chauffeur
Drive her safely
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED
You know you have reached
The end of your childhood
When knock down ginger is bad
And afternoon naps are good
SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW
Sit down in the meadow
And we will bill and coo
We will choose a perfect spot
But please be careful do
Oh dear that was thoughtless
I did suggest you take care
It was rather ill considered
For you to sit down there
As if you lift your buttock up
You’ll see you squashed
A perfect patch of buttercup
THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
The simple definition of marriage
I think you should understand
Is that one person is always right
And the other one is the husband
ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?
Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
Yes I know it’s like the rescue dog
But you know that the St Bernard
Doesn’t drink all of the grog
I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY
I’ve been working really hard lately
But I’ve got a day off today
It was nice not having to get up early
And have a snooze day Tuesday
THE PREDATORY MALE
The predatory male
As he hunts amidst the herds
Is only offended
By two four letter words.
The first one being “don't”
And “stop” being the other
And both words bring a halt
To his particular pleasure
Unless of course
They are used together
HE WAS A REAL JACK THE LAD
He was a real Jack the Lad
All flash and brash,
Living it large
And always splashing the cash
You might well be temped
But I advise nothing rash
If he tries it on give him the slip
And make a dash
ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?
Are you wearing leggings?
That are baggy 'round the knees
As I can’t see them for myself
Can I have more details please?
I TOLD MY DAD
I told my dad “I want to be
A fortune teller init”
He said “Don’t be daft son
There’s no future in it”
I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL
I got a job at the carnival and
The hall of mirror was my selection
But it wasn’t what I thought
And it was a bad choice on reflection
FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS THROWN
Foghorn Leghorn was thrown
Off the court
As the crowd began to howl
And he would never again
Be a referee
All because he blew a fowl
DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS
Donations to Sperm Banks
In the UK are in decline
Because most people today
Do their banking on line
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID
Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid
Her eggs in the winter or fall
But that made sense, as she was
No Spring Chicken after all
The Russian Airforce are dropping
Amazon bombs on Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
FOGHORN LEGHORN LEFT
Foghorn Leghorn left
The basketball court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard
The ref blew a foul
ROYAL ETIQUETTE
If you can’t turn your back
On her majesty
How can the royal chauffeur
Drive her safely
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED
You know you have reached
The end of your childhood
When knock down ginger is bad
And afternoon naps are good
SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW
Sit down in the meadow
And we will bill and coo
We will choose a perfect spot
But please be careful do
Oh dear that was thoughtless
I did suggest you take care
It was rather ill considered
For you to sit down there
As if you lift your buttock up
You’ll see you squashed
A perfect patch of buttercup
THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
The simple definition of marriage
I think you should understand
Is that one person is always right
And the other one is the husband
ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?
Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
Yes I know it’s like the rescue dog
But you know that the St Bernard
Doesn’t drink all of the grog
I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY
I’ve been working really hard lately
But I’ve got a day off today
It was nice not having to get up early
And have a snooze day Tuesday
THE PREDATORY MALE
The predatory male
As he hunts amidst the herds
Is only offended
By two four letter words.
The first one being “don't”
And “stop” being the other
And both words bring a halt
To his particular pleasure
Unless of course
They are used together
HE WAS A REAL JACK THE LAD
He was a real Jack the Lad
All flash and brash,
Living it large
And always splashing the cash
You might well be temped
But I advise nothing rash
If he tries it on give him the slip
And make a dash
ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?
Are you wearing leggings?
That are baggy 'round the knees
As I can’t see them for myself
Can I have more details please?
I TOLD MY DAD
I told my dad “I want to be
A fortune teller init”
He said “Don’t be daft son
There’s no future in it”
I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL
I got a job at the carnival and
The hall of mirror was my selection
But it wasn’t what I thought
And it was a bad choice on reflection
FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS THROWN
Foghorn Leghorn was thrown
Off the court
As the crowd began to howl
And he would never again
Be a referee
All because he blew a fowl
DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS
Donations to Sperm Banks
In the UK are in decline
Because most people today
Do their banking on line
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID
Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid
Her eggs in the winter or fall
But that made sense, as she was
No Spring Chicken after all
Tuesday 12 January 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 111
EASTER PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2
The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop
HAVING + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone
WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING
When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs
AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY
At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside
PICKUP # 16
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"
ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS
Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing
AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB
An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup
I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD
I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast
WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM
We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport
I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM
I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2
The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop
HAVING + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone
WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING
When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs
AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY
At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside
PICKUP # 16
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"
ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS
Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing
AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB
An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup
I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD
I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast
WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM
We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport
I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM
I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far
A Little Bit Of Humour # 110
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”
FOGHORN LEGHORN WENT TO TOWN
Foghorn Leghorn went to town
On the bus with the other day trippers
But not to sight see, he went to KFC
Because of the chicken strippers
THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT
The only good thing about
The advent of another Wimbledon
Is that it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season
PICKUP # 15
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During a night out
Just say to any girl you meet
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone
Said you were looking for me”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 1
The president of Chess Club
Was rushed into moving his pawn
When he heard his mum planned
To search his bedroom at dawn
IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE
In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize
Was very highly sought after
For it allowed the winner to pass
On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper
MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME
“My husband makes love to me
Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”
She boasted to her peers
“So it’s once every four year”
SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL BE A MALE STRIPPER
Sometimes I think I’ll be a male stripper
Be bold and take a chance
But then I remember I’m really fat
And I can’t actually dance
THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE FIRING
The Russian Airforce are firing
Amazon missiles at Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?
Are you wearing beer goggles?
That’s a definite I reckon
Because I look like Iain Dowie
But you see David Beckham
MY SON WAS A MASTER EASTER EGG HUNTER
My son was a master Easter Egg Hunter
From the time he was a few years old
And had it become an Olympic event,
He would have easily have won the Gold
ONE DAY IN A FAR MORE CARING WORLD
One day in a far more caring world
Every chicken that ever lives
Will be able to cross the road without
Being judged on their motives
EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME
Every child will at some time
Threaten to run away
And that hope keeps parents
Going day to day
SHE WENT TO THE DOCTORS WITH A LETTUCE LEAF
She went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf
Poking out of her knickers which was quite absurd
And it looked a really nasty sight in truth
But it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”
FOGHORN LEGHORN WENT TO TOWN
Foghorn Leghorn went to town
On the bus with the other day trippers
But not to sight see, he went to KFC
Because of the chicken strippers
THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT
The only good thing about
The advent of another Wimbledon
Is that it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season
PICKUP # 15
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During a night out
Just say to any girl you meet
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone
Said you were looking for me”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 1
The president of Chess Club
Was rushed into moving his pawn
When he heard his mum planned
To search his bedroom at dawn
IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE
In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize
Was very highly sought after
For it allowed the winner to pass
On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper
MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME
“My husband makes love to me
Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”
She boasted to her peers
“So it’s once every four year”
SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL BE A MALE STRIPPER
Sometimes I think I’ll be a male stripper
Be bold and take a chance
But then I remember I’m really fat
And I can’t actually dance
THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE FIRING
The Russian Airforce are firing
Amazon missiles at Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?
Are you wearing beer goggles?
That’s a definite I reckon
Because I look like Iain Dowie
But you see David Beckham
MY SON WAS A MASTER EASTER EGG HUNTER
My son was a master Easter Egg Hunter
From the time he was a few years old
And had it become an Olympic event,
He would have easily have won the Gold
ONE DAY IN A FAR MORE CARING WORLD
One day in a far more caring world
Every chicken that ever lives
Will be able to cross the road without
Being judged on their motives
EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME
Every child will at some time
Threaten to run away
And that hope keeps parents
Going day to day
SHE WENT TO THE DOCTORS WITH A LETTUCE LEAF
She went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf
Poking out of her knickers which was quite absurd
And it looked a really nasty sight in truth
But it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg
Thursday 8 October 2015
Potpourri
DOING WHAT YOU LIKE
Doing what you like
Does bring happiness for you
But the true source of joy
Is in liking what you do
HOPE SITS PATIENTLY
Hope sits patiently
Upon its primordial throne
A reassuring constant,
In a sea of change
Always there
Available to all
Like a beacon in the dark
To lost souls at sea
Pure unremitting Hope
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfied yearning
An unscratchable itch
There for everyone
When all else fails
Hope waits for us all
Sitting patiently
Upon its primordial throne
Since time immemorial
And until the end of time
THE ACCIDENTAL VILLAIN
I am the smoke
That simply floats away
On a convenient breeze
Drifting away
Powerless to stop
And at the mercy of the wind
I am the smoke and there is
A kind of beauty about me
But also there is danger in me
I am the smoke and I am mercurial
Appearing in many forms
I am thick like pea soup fog
Or thin and translucent like a veil
I am the smoke and
I have no purpose
I am only an after thought
A bi product of something useful
I am the smoke
And I am the villain
ENDSHIP
OldfriEND or New FriEND,
BoyfriEND or GirlfriEND,
BestFRIEND or FriEND,
They all have an END
So if you’re looking for longevity
Look no further than family
SWALK IS AN ACRONYM FOR
SWALK is an acronym for
“Sealed with a loving kiss”
Used when writing letters
To loved ones we miss
I SIT WITH A MIRROR STRAIGHT AHEAD OF ME
I sit with a mirror straight ahead of me
And another one placed behind me
So my image is repeated in perpetuity
That way I don’t feel so lonely
PUZZLING
How should I begin to describe you?
Well you are 13 down,
Without exception, and always 2 across
But you have never been 1 down
And sadly not once 19 across
You are four letters
Starting with a S and ending with a Y
You are coffee time and an acrostic too
As well as being cryptic
Let’s try 11 down followed by three across
Which is what might describe you
But I have never known you to be 7 down
A dictionary won’t help me, nor a thesaurus
You are Mind-bendingly vexatious, unfathomable
Inscrutable and infuriating enigmatic
And like most women I have known
You are an unsolvable puzzle to me
ON THAT BEAUTIFUL SUNLIT DAY IN JUNE
On that beautiful sunlit day in June
When they played that familiar tune
My heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
I stole a sideways glance at you
And found you looking at me too
It was quite goofy we smiled so much
I took your hand and felt your tender touch
Proudly we stood together side by side
As before God the knot was tied
My heart filled again with happiness
As I wed the girl in the big white dress
If pride is a sin then I’ve sinned too much
I’ve felt it when I’ve felt your loving touch
I’ve felt it at our happiest and our saddest
And when I saw you in a maternity dress
Oh how I remember that day in June
When they played that familiar tune
And my heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
And now as I look back across the years
To the times of laughter and of tears
I wish to tell it to the world and shout it loud
I’ve never said “I love you” and not felt proud
ILLUMINATED SUNSET CLOUDS
Illuminated sunset clouds, lit
Like smoke in a funeral pyre
In red and orange shades
As the sky burns with fire
THE TRUTH ABOUT FAMILY
Have you noticed that
Family Contains I L Y
Which stands for “I Love You”
And no one asks why
Doing what you like
Does bring happiness for you
But the true source of joy
Is in liking what you do
HOPE SITS PATIENTLY
Hope sits patiently
Upon its primordial throne
A reassuring constant,
In a sea of change
Always there
Available to all
Like a beacon in the dark
To lost souls at sea
Pure unremitting Hope
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfied yearning
An unscratchable itch
There for everyone
When all else fails
Hope waits for us all
Sitting patiently
Upon its primordial throne
Since time immemorial
And until the end of time
THE ACCIDENTAL VILLAIN
I am the smoke
That simply floats away
On a convenient breeze
Drifting away
Powerless to stop
And at the mercy of the wind
I am the smoke and there is
A kind of beauty about me
But also there is danger in me
I am the smoke and I am mercurial
Appearing in many forms
I am thick like pea soup fog
Or thin and translucent like a veil
I am the smoke and
I have no purpose
I am only an after thought
A bi product of something useful
I am the smoke
And I am the villain
ENDSHIP
OldfriEND or New FriEND,
BoyfriEND or GirlfriEND,
BestFRIEND or FriEND,
They all have an END
So if you’re looking for longevity
Look no further than family
SWALK IS AN ACRONYM FOR
SWALK is an acronym for
“Sealed with a loving kiss”
Used when writing letters
To loved ones we miss
I SIT WITH A MIRROR STRAIGHT AHEAD OF ME
I sit with a mirror straight ahead of me
And another one placed behind me
So my image is repeated in perpetuity
That way I don’t feel so lonely
PUZZLING
How should I begin to describe you?
Well you are 13 down,
Without exception, and always 2 across
But you have never been 1 down
And sadly not once 19 across
You are four letters
Starting with a S and ending with a Y
You are coffee time and an acrostic too
As well as being cryptic
Let’s try 11 down followed by three across
Which is what might describe you
But I have never known you to be 7 down
A dictionary won’t help me, nor a thesaurus
You are Mind-bendingly vexatious, unfathomable
Inscrutable and infuriating enigmatic
And like most women I have known
You are an unsolvable puzzle to me
ON THAT BEAUTIFUL SUNLIT DAY IN JUNE
On that beautiful sunlit day in June
When they played that familiar tune
My heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
I stole a sideways glance at you
And found you looking at me too
It was quite goofy we smiled so much
I took your hand and felt your tender touch
Proudly we stood together side by side
As before God the knot was tied
My heart filled again with happiness
As I wed the girl in the big white dress
If pride is a sin then I’ve sinned too much
I’ve felt it when I’ve felt your loving touch
I’ve felt it at our happiest and our saddest
And when I saw you in a maternity dress
Oh how I remember that day in June
When they played that familiar tune
And my heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
And now as I look back across the years
To the times of laughter and of tears
I wish to tell it to the world and shout it loud
I’ve never said “I love you” and not felt proud
ILLUMINATED SUNSET CLOUDS
Illuminated sunset clouds, lit
Like smoke in a funeral pyre
In red and orange shades
As the sky burns with fire
THE TRUTH ABOUT FAMILY
Have you noticed that
Family Contains I L Y
Which stands for “I Love You”
And no one asks why
A Little Bit Of Humour # 109
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 12
The beach was right outside the hotel
Which I suppose was alright
But is wasn’t much like the brochure
The sand was yellow not white
WINKS IS AN ACRONYM
WINKS is an acronym for
"Women with Incomes and
No Kids" plenty of money
But no ring on their hand
I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT’S SLEEP
I had a terrible night’s sleep
So I went to see Miss Alconbury
About a Chemistry question
But apparently we don’t have any
SHE ONLY COME TO ME WITH A PROBLEM
She only come to me with a problem
When she wants my help solving it
But if she’s looking for sympathy
Then she knows that I’m not fit
So her girlfriends must fill that need
Because I’m an unsympathetic git
MORNGY THURSDAY
At a soup kitchen, they ran out of food
Due to a basic error in their sums
And tempers flared among the homeless
In fact there were a lot of hot cross bums
ARE YOU WEARING A TURKEY SUIT?
Are you wearing a turkey suit?
I really love holiday pranks
But you look like a total arse
And for that I give thanks
THANKSGIVING DAY TURKEY
Bimbette was preparing
For Thanksgiving Day
One hour per pound
So the instructions say
“One hundred and ten
Pound’s is what I weigh”
Bimbette said and put
The Turkey on a baking tray
And roasted the bird
For almost five days
DETECTIVE FOGHORN LEGHORN
Detective Foghorn Leghorn
Was called to a crime scene today
To investigate the death
Of a Turkey, he suspects fowl play
DURING THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY
During the thanksgiving holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE
There is a special place
In hell for people that play
Any Christmas music
Before Thanksgiving Day
IF AS THEY SAY, MARRIAGE IS A WAR
If as they say, Marriage is a war
Then it’s the only war as far as I can see
Where, as one of the protagonists
You get to sleep with the enemy
IF I HAVE A FIGHT WIFE MY WIFE
If I have a fight wife my wife, I think
“Don't take your troubles to bed”,
So I follow the advice to the letter
And sleep with someone else instead
The beach was right outside the hotel
Which I suppose was alright
But is wasn’t much like the brochure
The sand was yellow not white
WINKS IS AN ACRONYM
WINKS is an acronym for
"Women with Incomes and
No Kids" plenty of money
But no ring on their hand
I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT’S SLEEP
I had a terrible night’s sleep
So I went to see Miss Alconbury
About a Chemistry question
But apparently we don’t have any
SHE ONLY COME TO ME WITH A PROBLEM
She only come to me with a problem
When she wants my help solving it
But if she’s looking for sympathy
Then she knows that I’m not fit
So her girlfriends must fill that need
Because I’m an unsympathetic git
MORNGY THURSDAY
At a soup kitchen, they ran out of food
Due to a basic error in their sums
And tempers flared among the homeless
In fact there were a lot of hot cross bums
ARE YOU WEARING A TURKEY SUIT?
Are you wearing a turkey suit?
I really love holiday pranks
But you look like a total arse
And for that I give thanks
THANKSGIVING DAY TURKEY
Bimbette was preparing
For Thanksgiving Day
One hour per pound
So the instructions say
“One hundred and ten
Pound’s is what I weigh”
Bimbette said and put
The Turkey on a baking tray
And roasted the bird
For almost five days
DETECTIVE FOGHORN LEGHORN
Detective Foghorn Leghorn
Was called to a crime scene today
To investigate the death
Of a Turkey, he suspects fowl play
DURING THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY
During the thanksgiving holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE
There is a special place
In hell for people that play
Any Christmas music
Before Thanksgiving Day
IF AS THEY SAY, MARRIAGE IS A WAR
If as they say, Marriage is a war
Then it’s the only war as far as I can see
Where, as one of the protagonists
You get to sleep with the enemy
IF I HAVE A FIGHT WIFE MY WIFE
If I have a fight wife my wife, I think
“Don't take your troubles to bed”,
So I follow the advice to the letter
And sleep with someone else instead
A Little Bit Of Humour # 108
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 11
The golden beach was outside the hotel
Which was really handy
But although it looked like the brochure
The beach was too sandy
DINKY IS AN ACRONYM
DINKY is an acronym for
“Double income no kits yet”
And Dinky’s are really as
Smug as it’s possible to get
NO MATTER YOUR PERSUASION
No matter your persuasion
Sex is not the answer
Sex is actually the question
And “Yes” is the answer
THE PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED
The primary school teacher asked
Name something we have today Ellie
That we didn’t have ten years ago
Ellie replied immediately, “Me”
IF THE NEVERLAND GOVERNMENT
If the Neverland government
Hadn’t cut his disability
Captain Hook would never
Have turned to piracy?
THEY ARE PLANNING A REMAKE
They are planning a remake
Of the classic “the railway children”
But it’s a low budget version
Called the bus replacement children
THERE WAS UPROAR AT THE BAZAAR
There was uproar at the bazaar
In fact it was a little bizarre
When the face painting artist
Turned out to be a Surrealist
APPARENTLY NIGERIA IS NOW POLO FREE
Apparently Nigeria is now polo free
So that’s deserves congratulations
But to be honest I didn’t think
They were one of the equestrian nations
LET’S TRY ROLE PLAY
She said “Let’s try role play
My dirty little mister”
“Ok” he agreed “I’ll be me
And you can be your sister”
WE CAN MAKE LOVE
“We can make love” she said
Suggestively more and more
But I ignored her and put vole
On a triple word score
A Little Bit Of Humour # 107
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD #10
While we were in Spain
I bought a Rolex from an Algerian
Which turned out to be a fake
I’ll never see those 10 Euros again
NIMBY IS AN ACRONYM
NIMBY is an acronym for
“Not In My Back Yard”
If you want to find a Nimby
It really isn’t very hard
ON THE WARD FOR UNWELL BOYS
On the ward for unwell boys
There were a selection of toys
Operation was the particular game
That Tom asked for by name
But Sister said without hesitation
“There’s a waiting list for operation”
THEY’VE STARTED A BREEDING PROGRAM
They’ve started a breeding program
At our local petting zoo
But visitors are worried it will
Become a heavy petting zoo
I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL
I was hanging out by the pool
When I was on holiday in Spain
But someone kindly let me know
So I tucked it back in again
MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PACK OF CARDS
Marriage is like a pack of cards
For when the first deal is made
All you need is a couple of Hearts
And a Diamond to make the grade
But by the end of the endeavour
You will want a Club and a Spade
MY DOG BIT ME ON THE NUTS
My dog bit me on the nuts
When I accidentally kicked her
My wife said it was karma
But I thought she was crosser
SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY
She was so drunk at the party
When her period came on
She mistakenly used a party popper
Instead of a tampon
WHEN I SAW MY WIFE’S BOTOX BILL
When I saw my wife’s Botox bill
I couldn’t believe my eyes
I pointed it out to my wife
But she didn’t look surprised
THE COMPANY WHO SUPPLIED
The company who supplied
My wife’s enhanced d-cup
Used Helium breast implants
So the company went tits up
While we were in Spain
I bought a Rolex from an Algerian
Which turned out to be a fake
I’ll never see those 10 Euros again
NIMBY IS AN ACRONYM
NIMBY is an acronym for
“Not In My Back Yard”
If you want to find a Nimby
It really isn’t very hard
ON THE WARD FOR UNWELL BOYS
On the ward for unwell boys
There were a selection of toys
Operation was the particular game
That Tom asked for by name
But Sister said without hesitation
“There’s a waiting list for operation”
THEY’VE STARTED A BREEDING PROGRAM
They’ve started a breeding program
At our local petting zoo
But visitors are worried it will
Become a heavy petting zoo
I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL
I was hanging out by the pool
When I was on holiday in Spain
But someone kindly let me know
So I tucked it back in again
MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PACK OF CARDS
Marriage is like a pack of cards
For when the first deal is made
All you need is a couple of Hearts
And a Diamond to make the grade
But by the end of the endeavour
You will want a Club and a Spade
MY DOG BIT ME ON THE NUTS
My dog bit me on the nuts
When I accidentally kicked her
My wife said it was karma
But I thought she was crosser
SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY
She was so drunk at the party
When her period came on
She mistakenly used a party popper
Instead of a tampon
WHEN I SAW MY WIFE’S BOTOX BILL
When I saw my wife’s Botox bill
I couldn’t believe my eyes
I pointed it out to my wife
But she didn’t look surprised
THE COMPANY WHO SUPPLIED
The company who supplied
My wife’s enhanced d-cup
Used Helium breast implants
So the company went tits up
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