MY HUSBAND HAS LOST THE PLOT

 

My husband has lost the plot

It’s the worst he’s been so far

He tried to change the TV

Channel with a chocolate bar

I WATCHED A RIVETING DOCUMENTARY

 

I watched a riveting documentary

On television last night

It was all about how ships were

Put together by shipwrights

IN THE ITV NEWSROOM

 

In the ITV Newsroom

Just ahead of the action

The producer announces

“Lights Camera Fiction”

IN THE CHANNEL 4 NEWSROOM

 

In the C4 Newsroom

Just ahead of the action

The producer announces

“Lights Camera Fiction”

IN THE SKY NEWSROOM

 

In the SKY Newsroom

Just ahead of the action

The producer announces

“Lights Camera Fiction”

IN THE GBNEWSROOM

 

In the GBNewsroom

Just ahead of the action

The producer announces

“Lights Camera Fiction”

BLEAK FORECAST

 

There was Snow in the forecast!

And the TV weather girl said

“I’m expecting 8 inches tonight”

I thought to myself, “what a big head”

And anyway, with a face like that

She’d need her vibrator Instead

IT’S POSSESSED

 

My Sky Box is on the blink

It’s possessed, I'm in no doubt

It records all the programs I don't like

And plays them back when I’m out

MATRIMONIAL BEQUEST

 

He called out to his wife

As he sat watching TV

"When I die, I’m going to leave

Everything to you, sweetie!"

She shouted back,

"You already do, you lazy B"

STAYING ATTRACTIVE

 

It seems to me that a man in his middle years

Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,

To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy

And/or he is a well-known TV celebrity

BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER

I went to the local video shop and said,

“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”

He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible

But you can have it for the weekend”

NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED

 

Now I’ve had my sight restored

Thanks to the surgeon’s precision

I finally appreciate the worth

Of TV in High Definition

After spending so many years

Watching TV in Monet vision

THE NEW A-TEAM

 

I always loved the A-Team

A force for good

Coming to the rescue

All guns blazing

But no one ever got shot

Hannibal Smith was the brains

B.A.Baracus the brawn

Face was the fixer,

And howling mad Murdock

Well need I say more

 

Well, they’re coming back

In a newish sort of version

Well, a Jewish sort of version

Called the Oy Vey team

With Chaim Schmitt

BA Barabbas

Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Mazel Tov

A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION

 

In order to keep supping

From the gravy train

The hangers on have boarded

The chav express again

 

Moving the Goody show

To the stage from satellite

So they can still cash in

And keep her in the spotlight

 

As if this crazy world

Wasn’t already farcical

Now we have to suffer

Jade the fucking musical

BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT

 

Britain’s got talent

Of that there’s no doubt

Britain’s got talent

The secret is finally out

 

Britain’s got talent

In depth and variety

Britain’s got talent

For every one to see

 

But apart from talent shows

And the Royal Variety

There is no outlet

For these acts on TV

 

Where it not for Blackpool

And Lakeside in Frimley

There would be no outlet at all

For our wonderful variety

 

So Simon Cowell

Master of the TV franchise

Give us more variety on TV

As a feast for our eyes

 

Britain has got talent

An unseen depth of it

But it doesn’t matter

If we never get to see it

I’D DO ANYTHING

 

“I’d do anything” how apt a title

A motto for the wannabee

A catch phrase for the starstruck

And all those lacking dignity

I’D DO ANYTHING, REPRISE

 

Just another in a long line

Of talent shows from hell

Just another TV concept

Ringing out its death knell

 

But how clever is the Lord

To have the dear old BBC

Foot the bill for the auditions

Out of the TV license fee

 

Then the members of the public

Who vote as they view

Get to Pay via the phone-ins

For the shows advertising too

An Unentertaining Christmas

 

Since the advent of Cable and Satellite the quality of the entertainment seems to diminish as each Christmas passes.

It used to be bad enough in the old days when there were only three channels to fill.

Now we allegedly have more choice than we have ever had, although I think the reality is that we merely have more channels.

The terrestrial channels can’t compete and to be honest don’t even try any more to offer anything that we might consider to be of acceptable quality.

Year after year all five channels are packed with a mixture of repeats and things which should never be seen again.

Take this Christmas just gone, I can’t think of one single stand out program that appeared on the terrestrial channels.

To be truthful it doesn’t have to be the latest Christmas schedule as every one is the same.

The Great Escape, Tom Browns schooldays, Mr Chips and the obligatory Sound of Music.

However there are sometimes a selection of new dramas though quite honestly they do flatter to deceive.

I remember one holiday season several years ago one of the offerings was something called Uncle Adolph.

God alone knows what they were thinking.

Ken Stott had the lead role, although he was more reminiscent of Groucho Marx than the Fuhrer and at one point good old incestuous Uncle Adolph was sat knocking out a tune on the piano to impress his pretty young niece and I genuinely thought he was going to burst into a chorus of “Springtime for Hitler”.

To be quite honest the play couldn’t have been anymore ludicrous if he had.

I do still get my bumper Christmas edition of the Radio Times every year and open it with real hope that this year will be better than the one before, but alas.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (017) The Good Life - Silly, But It's Fun

 

For those who are visiting from another planet the Good Life, Written by John Esmonde and Bob Larbey was about a man who, on reaching his fortieth birthday, decides to give up the rat race and becomes self-sufficient.

The man having the midlife crisis is Tom Good (Richard Briers), who with the help and support of his long-suffering wife Barbara, (Felicity Kendal) turns his detached Surbiton home, into an urban farm.

This doesn't go down too well with their good friends and neighbours, Jerry Leadbetter (Paul Eddington) and his snooty wife Margot, (Penelope Keith).

The Christmas episode, “Silly, But It's Fun”, first broadcast 26th December 1977 is in my opinion the funniest Christmas sitcom ever made.

Most Christmas sitcoms highlight the most negative aspects of the day creating a kind of nightmarish microcosm of family life at Christmas.

The Good Life was the story of contrasts, with the Good’s making the best of the meagre resources they had, while the Leadbetter’s just bought the best of everything and lots of it.

In “ Silly, But It's Fun” Margo ordered Christmas to be delivered from Harrods on Christmas Eve but refused delivery when the tree was six inches shorter than the one, she had ordered.

As she rejected the tree, she also rejected everything else, including Jerry’s gin, under the impression that Harrods would redeliver Christmas including a tree of the requisite height for her later that day.

She was sadly mistaken and on Christmas Day she had to phone around cancelling all their Christmas engagements under the pretext that Jerry has Chicken pox.

Jerry was unperturbed at having political chicken pox but horrified when he discovered that there was no more gin.

Enter the Goods, who save the day by inviting the Leadbetter’s to their house for the day and a good time was had by all, they all got plastered on pea pod burgundy and played silly party games.

The moral of the tale being that you can’t buy Christmas you have to make it yourself.

  

MARITAL SURFING

A wife sat down on the couch

Next to her husband

As he was flipping channels

With the remote in hand

She asked, “What's on TV?”

He replied “Dust mainly”