IF IT’S A GIRL

 

My waters have gone

The happy event is near

And as for the name

I’m still not clear

Is it a boy or a girl?

I don’t know that even

But if it is a girl

What to name her then

Certainly, nothing old

Not Gladys or Violet

Mum wants Mary or Eve

Or named for Aunty Margaret

And nothing contemporary

Not Sharon or Tracy

Nor Danni or Kylie

And not Karen or Stacy

Nothing stolen from Disney

Like Thumper or Bambi

Not Tramp or Lady

Or Mickey or Minnie

And nothing silly

Like Fawn or Fern

Nothing misspelled

Like Cyndy or Dorne

Something original

To make a statement

To make heads turn

Something different

So, for a girl how about

Distemper or Chlamydia

Ozone, Prozac, or Henna

Euthanasia or Lobelia

So many to choose from

How to pick one over another?

But I think as I am a model

Its Anorexia or Bulimia

THE UNHOLY TRINITY

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when Ben

Doesn’t listen to advice

Goes his own way

And then in the end,

Does what I suggested anyway

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when Josh leave’s something at school

His jumper, his shirt, his shoes

Yesterday it was his P.E. kit

Today he lost a shoelace

Tomorrow will be something else.

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when Sam has a paddy

Stamping his feet

Banging the floor with his fists

And blames everyone,

Except himself

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when a constant stream

Of your friends ring the doorbell

Seemingly endlessly

A dozen times in an afternoon

Every afternoon

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you misplace reading books

Or homework or letters from school

And I have to search

And I find them

Where I told you to look

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you don’t shut doors

Or cupboards

Or drawers

You don’t hang your coats up

Or put your slippers on

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you leave

Dirty sports kit in your schoolbag

And half a sandwich in your lunch box

When you want to go outside when it’s raining

And watch TV when it’s sunny

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you leave clothes on the floor

School bags in the hall

Coats on the sofa

Shoes on the stairs

Sock’s everywhere

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when I have to wake you up

Every school day morning

And you wake up at six am

On Saturday and Sunday

And you wake me up as well

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you won’t go to sleep at night

When you mess about and talk

Or when you bicker and fight

And when you’re told to stop

You say OK and carry on

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you leave lights on in every room

Or you leave the TV on

The computer and the PS2

And you’re all playing football

Outside with your friends

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when you have a bath or shower

And there’s more water on the floor

Than there is in the bath

And you leave wet towels on the floor

And the soap in the bath

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do,

Even when I shout at you

It’s not that I don’t love you

But the Wisdom of Solomon

And the patience of Job

Sometimes just aren’t enough

 

I do love you kid’s

Honestly, I do.

HOW OLD? (CLERIHEW)

“How old are you next birthday dad?”

“I will be forty-eight” I told the lad

“Do you have liver spots?” “No, I don’t Ben”

“Have you had your midlife crisis then?”

ABSENTEE (ACROSTICS)

 

Sarah was absent last week because she had an

Illness fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.

Catherine, her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,

Kenny, her brother had a low-grade fever and ached all over.

Nor was I the best either, 

Over come with a sore throat and fever.

There must be something going around,

Even her father got hot last night.

IT’S A ?

 

A middle-aged couple named Joe and Ellen Waters

Had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters

But the couple decided they should try once more

For the son that they had always been hoping for

After many months of trying, Ellen finally conceived

And then a healthy baby boy was finally received

Joe joyfully rushed into the nursery to see his son

Took one look and wondered what they’d done

He was horrified it was the ugliest kid he’d ever seen

He went and told his wife Ellen he wasn’t very keen

He said there was no way that he could be the dad

“Look at the two beautiful daughters we’ve had”

Then he gave her a very stern look and asked her

“Tell me honestly Ellen have you had an affair?”

But Ellen just smiled sweetly at her husband Joe

Then she looked at him and said, “Not this time no!”

GOOD BYE BABY DOLL

You lie alone

So small, so fragile

Boxed like a doll

In a toy store window

Where passers-by say

“It’s almost lifelike”

But you are not a doll

You are not for sale

For you are not whole

The essence that was you

Has left you empty

Like a box within a box

You lie alone

Your angelic soul

Was borne to heaven

On the wings of a dove

CHILD FATIGUE

Children! Are you tired?

Of being harassed

By your stupid parents

Making you stressed

Move out you lazy slob

Move out and get a job

And do your own bill paying

While you still know everything

BILLIARDS FOR ONE

 

My mum often used to say to me

Will you stop all that fiddle di di

Playing with yourself constantly

You will go blind just you mark me

I said to her with all due respects

I think I’ll carry on until I need specs

At the time I thought what a silly cow

I really wish I’d listened to her now

If only I had at least given it a try

I might at least have saved one eye

BAD SCHOOL DAY

 

When I was at school

When I was just a lad

What was embarrassing

And made me very sad

Was the day I called

The history teacher dad

BABY CARE UNIT

 

I just heard about an incident

That is reportedly true

Concerning a hospital

That has caused a to do

About the baby’s face

Somebody taped a dummy to

Well, I have kids myself

And I would, wouldn’t you?

A TIME OF MIRACLES

 The cynics say of miracles

That they are a scarce commodity,

If they happen at all

But to my mind

There is nothing more miraculous

Than the birth of a child

It may be the most common placed

Of miracles

But it is miraculous

Nonetheless

KEEPING ABREAST

 

There’s nothing quite so disconcerting

When you’re with a girl in a café, flirting

Than for a mother and child to occupy

Your table and you hear the baby cry 

As if the wailing is not enough to bear

Mother flops a breast out, right there

Babies cry replaced by a sucking sound

Causing diners heads to turn around

When she stops and removes the sprog

We are at first relieved and then agog

Her breast, round and smooth like silk

Is still out, the red nipple dripping milk

After the baby had been winded a bit

She then attached it to her other tit

The young girl I was chatting up and I

Could not get away though we did try

This was repeated one or twice more

Before we could escape to the door

We were trapped inside our cubicle

And forced to watch this spectacle

Dispite what we’d been forced to see

The girl agreed to go out with me

Our relationship was at its inception

We remembered to use contraception

THEY LACK COMMON SENSE

 

They lack Common sense

Their failing is immense

But in their defence

It’s the addled essence

Of their adolescence

I NAME THIS CHILD

 

A new addition to the family

Well, no not one but twins

What will they name them?

God only knows for his sins

They won’t be traditional ones

Names like Howard and Hilda

But something unpredictable

Like Distemper and Chlamydia 

EXCUSE MISS

Reading these excuse notes written to schools

You would think them maybe written by fools

Teachers will view these examples with disgust

I.e., Tom was absent because he missed his bust

Some are misspelled some are worse moreover

Gill was absent yesterday as she had a gangover

Dear Skool, Please ekscuse John Bird

For being absent from the 28^th to the 33^rd 

My son is under a doctor's care and so Jim

Should not take PE today. Please execute him

John has been absent from the school place

Because he had two teeth taken out of his face

Carlos was absent yesterday because to start

While playing he was hurt in the growing part 

Dear school Please excuse Gloria Palmer-King

From Jim class today because She is administrating

Please excuse my daughter little Lisa Trott

For being absent, she was sick and I had her shot

Please excuse Roland from PE for today

He fell from a tree and misplaced his hip, yesterday

Megan could not come to school (the note explains)

Because she has been bothered by very close veins

Dear Skool about my son Christopher Hyde

He’ll not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Can you Please excuse my son Ray Howell’s

From school today because He has very loose vowels

Please excuse Tommy for being absent this week

But he’s had bad Diarrhoea and his boots leak

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday

We have to attend her funeral on that day

Please excuse the absence of Jason Cromwell

Yesterday He had a cold and could not breed well

My daughter was too tired for school it seems

That She spent a weekend with the Marines

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday

Because She was in bed with gramps all day

Please excuse my daughter Martina Proctor

Because she has been sick under the doctor

Just one more excuse that’s worth its salt

Please excuse Tim for being. It was his father's fault

A QUESTION BEFORE I GO

 

A husband and wife were lucky to have four sons

The youngest boy was different to the older ones

The older three were tall had light skin, and red hair

While the youngest was short blue eyes and was fair

When the father took ill and was lying on his deathbed

With all his strength he turned to his wife and said

“Darling, before I die, please be totally honest with me

Is our youngest son mine as he’s not like the other three?”

“I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son.”

The wife replied, and then with a smile he was gone

The wife then muttered to herself almost silently

“Thank God he didn't ask me about the other three.”

ANSWER THIS TOMMY

 

The Teacher asks one of the class clowns

"Can you give me three collective nouns?"

Tommy replies in keeping with his demeanour

"Flypaper, wastebasket, and vacuum cleaner"

A Mixed Bag of Poems

AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR

At the eleventh hour
On the eleventh day
Of the eleventh month
We heard the generals say
You can go home now lads
To the land you’ve defended
Thank God one and all
That the madness has ended

MICHAELMAS DAISY

Lovely Miss Aster,
My flower girl Maisie
My natural beauty
I love her like crazy
My own precious
Michaelmas Daisy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD

Happy birthday dad
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year

Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

DANCING PIXIES IN THE GREEN

Dancing pixies in the green
And sparkling water sprites
Oft heard but never seen
Bathing in the morning light

DEATH IN THE SHADOWS

Death in the shadows
Grim reaper take flight
Don’t let me be the one
You’re coming for tonight

PEBBLES SMOOTH

Pebbles smooth,
Like crude glass
Smoothed by nature
Time and tide
Its patterned form
Marbled in style
Sits comfortably
In the fingers
To be skimmed
Back to the ocean

I HEAR A SINGING CHILD

I hear a singing child
Innocently engrossed
In childish play
Singing sweetly
To her audience of dolls
Safely oblivious
In her enchanted world
Would that it could
Always be that way

DEAR OSCAR

He was witty
Blessed with a fine mind
A bel esprit
And was the clever kind

MICHAELMAS DAY

Feast of the Archangels
As the autumn equinox nears
Michaelmas marks the turning
Of the husbandman's year

29th September

THE SCULPTOR CREATES

The sculptor creates
With skilful hands
The beauteous article
An artistic gift
Its concept borrowed
From his dreams
And his subconscious mind
To infuse in his design
And create a work of art

DREDGING IS NO SILVER BULLET

Dredging is no silver bullet
Is the word coming from their ranks
But at least it would be something
To prevent rivers bursting their banks
While the environment agency
Just blindly keep on firing blanks

SLAVERY WAS BORN OF EMPIRE

Slavery was born of Empire
But not a European one
Slavery existed for centuries
In fact thousands of years
Way before Europe rose to the fore
Even the Romans came late to the party
Following in Greece’s footsteps
Peoples were enslaved
From around the globe
Where there were trade routes
There was slaving
Arabs traded slaves bought
From African tribesmen
Muslims enslaved slavs
Turks enslaved Ukrainians
Mongols reached into the heart of Europe
And took slaves by the thousand
White Europeans became involved
Black enslaved black
White has enslaved white
I don’t know if it will ever end
I certainly hope so
But what I do know is
That the British didn’t invent it

ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES

Original Fairy Tales
Were not devised
To scare children
And inform them
That monsters existed
Children already knew
There were monsters
What Fairy Tales did
Was to teach children
That monsters
Could be beaten

NAZISM WAS LIKE A CANCER

Nazism was like a cancer
Spread across the continent
And when Hitler was defeated
It was not a cure, for the cancer
Was merely in remission

ON THE NAMING OF A CHILD

On the naming of a child
Certain protocols should be followed by the registrar
Protocol one
If the chosen name is Rainbow or Honey dew
Then firstly the parents should be slapped
And given a book containing sensible names
This process should be repeated until a sensible choice is made
Protocol Two
If the chosen name is Chardonnay or Champagne
Then firstly the parents should be slapped
And a large group of people should be assembled to laugh at them
The parents should then be given a dictionary
To look up the definitions of the names that they chose
This process should also be repeated until a sensible choice is made
Protocol Three
If the chosen name is Moonflower or Gallifrey
Then firstly the parents should be slapped
And the child should be immediately taken into care
Then the parents should be put in the stocks
So sensible people can throw rotten fruit at them
Before finally being committed to an institution

PS – Should it ever be deemed that they have been cured
They should be sterilised before release
And their names entered on the pretentious parents register

PPS - Anyone from Cardiff, The Wirral, Norfolk, Suffolk or Essex will inevitably
Name the child after a piece of fruit, a place they have visited
The name of their favourite car or a product from a supermarket
As a result these people should not be trusted to name their children.
Registrars must name the children for them
In the same way that Hurricanes and tropical storms are named
If they complain go straight to Protocol three

CHUCKLING WITH DELIGHT

Chuckling with delight
At the twinkling tree lights
You giggle and smile
And yet all the while
You really don’t know
Why your sweet face is aglow
And you gurgle excitedly
At everything you see
It’s a very special time
When Christmas bells chime
And Santa’s on his way
With presents on his sleigh
For every little lad and lass
To have a special Christmas
But for you my darling one
Just enjoying all the fun
Chuckling with delight
At the twinkling tree lights
When Santa comes this way
It’s for your first Christmas Day