ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS WAISTCOAT?
Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer
SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS
She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”
THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS
To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas
WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee
GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF
Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register
SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN
So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur
A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED
A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited
MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS
My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do
Monday, 30 November 2015
Christmas 2015 # 8
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?
Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS
Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"
RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER
Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farse
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?
Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS
The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s
WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN
When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST
New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?
Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed
IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN
If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking
RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS
Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like
ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?
Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low
Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS
Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"
RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER
Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farse
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?
Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS
The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s
WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN
When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST
New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?
Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed
IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN
If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking
RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS
Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like
ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?
Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low
Christmas 2015 # 7
ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?
Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES
The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer
THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH
There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles
HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE
He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE
The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes
Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES
The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer
THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH
There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles
HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE
He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE
The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes
Christmas 2015 # 6
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?
Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl
SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY
Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole
I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS
I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
ABANDONING THE NATIVITY
It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby
SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING
It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again
THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS
They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?
Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl
SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY
Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole
I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS
I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
ABANDONING THE NATIVITY
It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby
SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING
It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again
THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS
They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
Christmas 2015 # 5
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?
Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”
ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?
Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get
A BLONDE GIFT
Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit
DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES
I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU
All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer
EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS
Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit
SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS
Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are
SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL
Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO
The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus
Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”
ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?
Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get
A BLONDE GIFT
Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit
DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES
I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU
All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer
EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS
Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit
SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS
Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are
SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL
Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO
The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus
Christmas 2015 # 4
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?
Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present
BAD SANTA # 4
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?
Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard
MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED
Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh
I EAT EVERYTHING
I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutenous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present
BAD SANTA # 4
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?
Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard
MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED
Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh
I EAT EVERYTHING
I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutenous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
Christmas 2015 # 3
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?
Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?
BAD SANTA # 3
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia
ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?
Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?
BAD SANTA # 3
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia
ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?
Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
Christmas 2015 # 2
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?
Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
BAD SANTA # 2
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney
ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE
The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?
Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
BAD SANTA # 2
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney
ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE
The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?
Christmas 2015 # 1
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?
Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise
BAD SANTA # 1
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1
Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek
ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?
Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED
The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true
Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise
BAD SANTA # 1
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1
Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek
ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?
Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED
The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true
Thursday, 8 October 2015
Potpourri
DOING WHAT YOU LIKE
Doing what you like
Does bring happiness for you
But the true source of joy
Is in liking what you do
HOPE SITS PATIENTLY
Hope sits patiently
Upon its primordial throne
A reassuring constant,
In a sea of change
Always there
Available to all
Like a beacon in the dark
To lost souls at sea
Pure unremitting Hope
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfied yearning
An unscratchable itch
There for everyone
When all else fails
Hope waits for us all
Sitting patiently
Upon its primordial throne
Since time immemorial
And until the end of time
THE ACCIDENTAL VILLAIN
I am the smoke
That simply floats away
On a convenient breeze
Drifting away
Powerless to stop
And at the mercy of the wind
I am the smoke and there is
A kind of beauty about me
But also there is danger in me
I am the smoke and I am mercurial
Appearing in many forms
I am thick like pea soup fog
Or thin and translucent like a veil
I am the smoke and
I have no purpose
I am only an after thought
A bi product of something useful
I am the smoke
And I am the villain
ENDSHIP
OldfriEND or New FriEND,
BoyfriEND or GirlfriEND,
BestFRIEND or FriEND,
They all have an END
So if you’re looking for longevity
Look no further than family
SWALK IS AN ACRONYM FOR
SWALK is an acronym for
“Sealed with a loving kiss”
Used when writing letters
To loved ones we miss
I SIT WITH A MIRROR STRAIGHT AHEAD OF ME
I sit with a mirror straight ahead of me
And another one placed behind me
So my image is repeated in perpetuity
That way I don’t feel so lonely
PUZZLING
How should I begin to describe you?
Well you are 13 down,
Without exception, and always 2 across
But you have never been 1 down
And sadly not once 19 across
You are four letters
Starting with a S and ending with a Y
You are coffee time and an acrostic too
As well as being cryptic
Let’s try 11 down followed by three across
Which is what might describe you
But I have never known you to be 7 down
A dictionary won’t help me, nor a thesaurus
You are Mind-bendingly vexatious, unfathomable
Inscrutable and infuriating enigmatic
And like most women I have known
You are an unsolvable puzzle to me
ON THAT BEAUTIFUL SUNLIT DAY IN JUNE
On that beautiful sunlit day in June
When they played that familiar tune
My heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
I stole a sideways glance at you
And found you looking at me too
It was quite goofy we smiled so much
I took your hand and felt your tender touch
Proudly we stood together side by side
As before God the knot was tied
My heart filled again with happiness
As I wed the girl in the big white dress
If pride is a sin then I’ve sinned too much
I’ve felt it when I’ve felt your loving touch
I’ve felt it at our happiest and our saddest
And when I saw you in a maternity dress
Oh how I remember that day in June
When they played that familiar tune
And my heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
And now as I look back across the years
To the times of laughter and of tears
I wish to tell it to the world and shout it loud
I’ve never said “I love you” and not felt proud
ILLUMINATED SUNSET CLOUDS
Illuminated sunset clouds, lit
Like smoke in a funeral pyre
In red and orange shades
As the sky burns with fire
THE TRUTH ABOUT FAMILY
Have you noticed that
Family Contains I L Y
Which stands for “I Love You”
And no one asks why
Doing what you like
Does bring happiness for you
But the true source of joy
Is in liking what you do
HOPE SITS PATIENTLY
Hope sits patiently
Upon its primordial throne
A reassuring constant,
In a sea of change
Always there
Available to all
Like a beacon in the dark
To lost souls at sea
Pure unremitting Hope
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfied yearning
An unscratchable itch
There for everyone
When all else fails
Hope waits for us all
Sitting patiently
Upon its primordial throne
Since time immemorial
And until the end of time
THE ACCIDENTAL VILLAIN
I am the smoke
That simply floats away
On a convenient breeze
Drifting away
Powerless to stop
And at the mercy of the wind
I am the smoke and there is
A kind of beauty about me
But also there is danger in me
I am the smoke and I am mercurial
Appearing in many forms
I am thick like pea soup fog
Or thin and translucent like a veil
I am the smoke and
I have no purpose
I am only an after thought
A bi product of something useful
I am the smoke
And I am the villain
ENDSHIP
OldfriEND or New FriEND,
BoyfriEND or GirlfriEND,
BestFRIEND or FriEND,
They all have an END
So if you’re looking for longevity
Look no further than family
SWALK IS AN ACRONYM FOR
SWALK is an acronym for
“Sealed with a loving kiss”
Used when writing letters
To loved ones we miss
I SIT WITH A MIRROR STRAIGHT AHEAD OF ME
I sit with a mirror straight ahead of me
And another one placed behind me
So my image is repeated in perpetuity
That way I don’t feel so lonely
PUZZLING
How should I begin to describe you?
Well you are 13 down,
Without exception, and always 2 across
But you have never been 1 down
And sadly not once 19 across
You are four letters
Starting with a S and ending with a Y
You are coffee time and an acrostic too
As well as being cryptic
Let’s try 11 down followed by three across
Which is what might describe you
But I have never known you to be 7 down
A dictionary won’t help me, nor a thesaurus
You are Mind-bendingly vexatious, unfathomable
Inscrutable and infuriating enigmatic
And like most women I have known
You are an unsolvable puzzle to me
ON THAT BEAUTIFUL SUNLIT DAY IN JUNE
On that beautiful sunlit day in June
When they played that familiar tune
My heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
I stole a sideways glance at you
And found you looking at me too
It was quite goofy we smiled so much
I took your hand and felt your tender touch
Proudly we stood together side by side
As before God the knot was tied
My heart filled again with happiness
As I wed the girl in the big white dress
If pride is a sin then I’ve sinned too much
I’ve felt it when I’ve felt your loving touch
I’ve felt it at our happiest and our saddest
And when I saw you in a maternity dress
Oh how I remember that day in June
When they played that familiar tune
And my heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress
And now as I look back across the years
To the times of laughter and of tears
I wish to tell it to the world and shout it loud
I’ve never said “I love you” and not felt proud
ILLUMINATED SUNSET CLOUDS
Illuminated sunset clouds, lit
Like smoke in a funeral pyre
In red and orange shades
As the sky burns with fire
THE TRUTH ABOUT FAMILY
Have you noticed that
Family Contains I L Y
Which stands for “I Love You”
And no one asks why
Shrovetide
SHROVETIDE
Shrovetide begins on Egg Saturday
Heralding the coming of lent
And deciding what to give up
Is normally the way it is spent
EGG SATURDAY
The first day of Shrovetide
Is Shrove or Egg Saturday
An Oxfordshire tradition
Sometimes called egg feast day
QUINQUAGESIMA SUNDAY
The second day of Shrovetide
Shrove Sunday or Quinquagesima
Celebrated in the Christian church
As the fiftieth day before Easter
COLLOP MONDAY
The third day of Shrovetide
Once known as Collop Monday
Named after Collops of bacon
A traditional dish of the day
Which was served with eggs
It’s the forgotten Shrove Monday
NICKANAN NIGHT
Nickanan Night or Shrove Monday evening
Was a time for boys to commit petty crime
Now we don’t have it on one special night
Instead now it appears to happen all the time
THE PANCAKE DAY RACE
The Pancake Day race was a popular event
And was held amidst much happy hoorays
Until the runners became too competitive
And behaved like parents on sports days
ASH WEDNESDAY
There is a religious reason
Why it is a significant day
But cremated pancake on the hob
Is the only ash around our way
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY?
What do you call the day?
That comes after Ash Wednesday
And before kissing Friday
Well we just call it Thursday
KISSING FRIDAY
The tradition of kissing Friday
Was called Nippy Hug Day
When Leicestershire men
Could demand on that day
A kiss from any woman
Of his choice by custom
And if she was to refuse
He could then pinch her bum
But since world war two
Kissing Friday doesn’t apply
It has fallen from favour
I can’t understand why
Shrovetide begins on Egg Saturday
Heralding the coming of lent
And deciding what to give up
Is normally the way it is spent
EGG SATURDAY
The first day of Shrovetide
Is Shrove or Egg Saturday
An Oxfordshire tradition
Sometimes called egg feast day
QUINQUAGESIMA SUNDAY
The second day of Shrovetide
Shrove Sunday or Quinquagesima
Celebrated in the Christian church
As the fiftieth day before Easter
COLLOP MONDAY
The third day of Shrovetide
Once known as Collop Monday
Named after Collops of bacon
A traditional dish of the day
Which was served with eggs
It’s the forgotten Shrove Monday
NICKANAN NIGHT
Nickanan Night or Shrove Monday evening
Was a time for boys to commit petty crime
Now we don’t have it on one special night
Instead now it appears to happen all the time
THE PANCAKE DAY RACE
The Pancake Day race was a popular event
And was held amidst much happy hoorays
Until the runners became too competitive
And behaved like parents on sports days
ASH WEDNESDAY
There is a religious reason
Why it is a significant day
But cremated pancake on the hob
Is the only ash around our way
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY?
What do you call the day?
That comes after Ash Wednesday
And before kissing Friday
Well we just call it Thursday
KISSING FRIDAY
The tradition of kissing Friday
Was called Nippy Hug Day
When Leicestershire men
Could demand on that day
A kiss from any woman
Of his choice by custom
And if she was to refuse
He could then pinch her bum
But since world war two
Kissing Friday doesn’t apply
It has fallen from favour
I can’t understand why
A Little Bit Of Humour # 109
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 12
The beach was right outside the hotel
Which I suppose was alright
But is wasn’t much like the brochure
The sand was yellow not white
WINKS IS AN ACRONYM
WINKS is an acronym for
"Women with Incomes and
No Kids" plenty of money
But no ring on their hand
I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT’S SLEEP
I had a terrible night’s sleep
So I went to see Miss Alconbury
About a Chemistry question
But apparently we don’t have any
SHE ONLY COME TO ME WITH A PROBLEM
She only come to me with a problem
When she wants my help solving it
But if she’s looking for sympathy
Then she knows that I’m not fit
So her girlfriends must fill that need
Because I’m an unsympathetic git
MORNGY THURSDAY
At a soup kitchen, they ran out of food
Due to a basic error in their sums
And tempers flared among the homeless
In fact there were a lot of hot cross bums
ARE YOU WEARING A TURKEY SUIT?
Are you wearing a turkey suit?
I really love holiday pranks
But you look like a total arse
And for that I give thanks
THANKSGIVING DAY TURKEY
Bimbette was preparing
For Thanksgiving Day
One hour per pound
So the instructions say
“One hundred and ten
Pound’s is what I weigh”
Bimbette said and put
The Turkey on a baking tray
And roasted the bird
For almost five days
DETECTIVE FOGHORN LEGHORN
Detective Foghorn Leghorn
Was called to a crime scene today
To investigate the death
Of a Turkey, he suspects fowl play
DURING THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY
During the thanksgiving holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE
There is a special place
In hell for people that play
Any Christmas music
Before Thanksgiving Day
IF AS THEY SAY, MARRIAGE IS A WAR
If as they say, Marriage is a war
Then it’s the only war as far as I can see
Where, as one of the protagonists
You get to sleep with the enemy
IF I HAVE A FIGHT WIFE MY WIFE
If I have a fight wife my wife, I think
“Don't take your troubles to bed”,
So I follow the advice to the letter
And sleep with someone else instead
The beach was right outside the hotel
Which I suppose was alright
But is wasn’t much like the brochure
The sand was yellow not white
WINKS IS AN ACRONYM
WINKS is an acronym for
"Women with Incomes and
No Kids" plenty of money
But no ring on their hand
I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT’S SLEEP
I had a terrible night’s sleep
So I went to see Miss Alconbury
About a Chemistry question
But apparently we don’t have any
SHE ONLY COME TO ME WITH A PROBLEM
She only come to me with a problem
When she wants my help solving it
But if she’s looking for sympathy
Then she knows that I’m not fit
So her girlfriends must fill that need
Because I’m an unsympathetic git
MORNGY THURSDAY
At a soup kitchen, they ran out of food
Due to a basic error in their sums
And tempers flared among the homeless
In fact there were a lot of hot cross bums
ARE YOU WEARING A TURKEY SUIT?
Are you wearing a turkey suit?
I really love holiday pranks
But you look like a total arse
And for that I give thanks
THANKSGIVING DAY TURKEY
Bimbette was preparing
For Thanksgiving Day
One hour per pound
So the instructions say
“One hundred and ten
Pound’s is what I weigh”
Bimbette said and put
The Turkey on a baking tray
And roasted the bird
For almost five days
DETECTIVE FOGHORN LEGHORN
Detective Foghorn Leghorn
Was called to a crime scene today
To investigate the death
Of a Turkey, he suspects fowl play
DURING THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY
During the thanksgiving holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE
There is a special place
In hell for people that play
Any Christmas music
Before Thanksgiving Day
IF AS THEY SAY, MARRIAGE IS A WAR
If as they say, Marriage is a war
Then it’s the only war as far as I can see
Where, as one of the protagonists
You get to sleep with the enemy
IF I HAVE A FIGHT WIFE MY WIFE
If I have a fight wife my wife, I think
“Don't take your troubles to bed”,
So I follow the advice to the letter
And sleep with someone else instead
Halloween Tales 2015 # 2
ARE YOU WEARING A SPOOKY SWEATER?
Are you wearing a spooky sweater?
Well there’s no attempt to hide
The ample contents so I would say
You could turn me to the dark side
SHE MAY BE A WITCH
She may be a witch
And she may do spells
Which sounds like poety
As far as anyone tells
So just beware of
Unnatural smells
Or you’ll fall victim
To one of her spells
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Halloween Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
The skeleton motive I should mention
Is not needed to attract my attention
THEY MAY LOOK CUTE AND SWEET
They may look cute and sweet
They may look smart and dandy
But they’re vicious little monsters
Who’ll rob you of all your candy
ARE YOU WEARING TOE OF NEWT?
Are you wearing toe of newt?
Is it part of a witchy spell?
Is it the witchy version of GHB?
I’m so smitten I cannot tell
DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Shake it shake it at the double
Don’t drink much or you’re in trouble
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN HAT?
Are you wearing a Halloween Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gruesome little tit for tat
With fangs dripping crimson red
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN TOP?
Are you wearing a Halloween Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN CARDIGAN?
Are you wearing a Halloween Cardigan?
A cardigan? On all hallows eve
A cardy doesn’t say “night of the dead”
So I don’t think you really believe
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN WAISTCOAT?
Are you wearing a Halloween waistcoat?
Oh I like the way the buttons glow
And the whole thing luminesces
It really is very Edgar Allan Poe
Are you wearing a spooky sweater?
Well there’s no attempt to hide
The ample contents so I would say
You could turn me to the dark side
SHE MAY BE A WITCH
She may be a witch
And she may do spells
Which sounds like poety
As far as anyone tells
So just beware of
Unnatural smells
Or you’ll fall victim
To one of her spells
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Halloween Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
The skeleton motive I should mention
Is not needed to attract my attention
THEY MAY LOOK CUTE AND SWEET
They may look cute and sweet
They may look smart and dandy
But they’re vicious little monsters
Who’ll rob you of all your candy
ARE YOU WEARING TOE OF NEWT?
Are you wearing toe of newt?
Is it part of a witchy spell?
Is it the witchy version of GHB?
I’m so smitten I cannot tell
DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Shake it shake it at the double
Don’t drink much or you’re in trouble
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN HAT?
Are you wearing a Halloween Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gruesome little tit for tat
With fangs dripping crimson red
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN TOP?
Are you wearing a Halloween Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN CARDIGAN?
Are you wearing a Halloween Cardigan?
A cardigan? On all hallows eve
A cardy doesn’t say “night of the dead”
So I don’t think you really believe
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN WAISTCOAT?
Are you wearing a Halloween waistcoat?
Oh I like the way the buttons glow
And the whole thing luminesces
It really is very Edgar Allan Poe
Halloween Tales 2015 # 1
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN SWEATER?
Are you wearing a Halloween sweater?
It’s a bit cute and pretty in my view
So if you don’t mind my saying so
You’re not a proper witch are you?
I THINK MY CHICKENS ARE POSSESSED
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are Devilled
ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH JUMPER?
Are you wearing a ghoulish Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
I don’t think you’re one of those kooks
And that’s a lovely pair of spooks
I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A WICCAN GIRL
I lost my virginity to a Wiccan girl
Who was a scrawny little witch
With the reputation for being
A bit of a thorny little bitch
She mellowed to me in my bed
And I was left with a horny itch
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Halloween earrings?
They rather fill me with dread?
Please answer me one question
Are they real shrunken heads?
THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS
The three foot ghosts and ghouls
Roam the neighbourhood streets
Demanding candy with menaces
When tricks arise after no treats
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN TIE?
Are you wearing a Halloween tie?
If that’s what it’s supposed to be
Well what is it if it’s not a tie?
Oh god it’s alive and wriggly
DARK MONSTERS FROM THE PITS OF HELL
Dark monsters from the pits of hell
Ghosts and ghouls from where they dwell
Witch or warlock cast a withering spell
All answering the ring of the Halloween bell
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPED STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing striped stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like necrotic candy canes
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN DRESS?
Are you wearing a Halloween Dress?
Well it’s really just a black shapeless thing
But I suppose it’s all right as it goes
If I get to find out what’s under the thing
Are you wearing a Halloween sweater?
It’s a bit cute and pretty in my view
So if you don’t mind my saying so
You’re not a proper witch are you?
I THINK MY CHICKENS ARE POSSESSED
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are Devilled
ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH JUMPER?
Are you wearing a ghoulish Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
I don’t think you’re one of those kooks
And that’s a lovely pair of spooks
I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A WICCAN GIRL
I lost my virginity to a Wiccan girl
Who was a scrawny little witch
With the reputation for being
A bit of a thorny little bitch
She mellowed to me in my bed
And I was left with a horny itch
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Halloween earrings?
They rather fill me with dread?
Please answer me one question
Are they real shrunken heads?
THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS
The three foot ghosts and ghouls
Roam the neighbourhood streets
Demanding candy with menaces
When tricks arise after no treats
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN TIE?
Are you wearing a Halloween tie?
If that’s what it’s supposed to be
Well what is it if it’s not a tie?
Oh god it’s alive and wriggly
DARK MONSTERS FROM THE PITS OF HELL
Dark monsters from the pits of hell
Ghosts and ghouls from where they dwell
Witch or warlock cast a withering spell
All answering the ring of the Halloween bell
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPED STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing striped stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like necrotic candy canes
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN DRESS?
Are you wearing a Halloween Dress?
Well it’s really just a black shapeless thing
But I suppose it’s all right as it goes
If I get to find out what’s under the thing
A Little Bit Of Humour # 108
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 11
The golden beach was outside the hotel
Which was really handy
But although it looked like the brochure
The beach was too sandy
DINKY IS AN ACRONYM
DINKY is an acronym for
“Double income no kits yet”
And Dinky’s are really as
Smug as it’s possible to get
NO MATTER YOUR PERSUASION
No matter your persuasion
Sex is not the answer
Sex is actually the question
And “Yes” is the answer
THE PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED
The primary school teacher asked
Name something we have today Ellie
That we didn’t have ten years ago
Ellie replied immediately, “Me”
IF THE NEVERLAND GOVERNMENT
If the Neverland government
Hadn’t cut his disability
Captain Hook would never
Have turned to piracy?
THEY ARE PLANNING A REMAKE
They are planning a remake
Of the classic “the railway children”
But it’s a low budget version
Called the bus replacement children
THERE WAS UPROAR AT THE BAZAAR
There was uproar at the bazaar
In fact it was a little bizarre
When the face painting artist
Turned out to be a Surrealist
APPARENTLY NIGERIA IS NOW POLO FREE
Apparently Nigeria is now polo free
So that’s deserves congratulations
But to be honest I didn’t think
They were one of the equestrian nations
LET’S TRY ROLE PLAY
She said “Let’s try role play
My dirty little mister”
“Ok” he agreed “I’ll be me
And you can be your sister”
WE CAN MAKE LOVE
“We can make love” she said
Suggestively more and more
But I ignored her and put vole
On a triple word score
A Little Bit Of Humour # 107
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD #10
While we were in Spain
I bought a Rolex from an Algerian
Which turned out to be a fake
I’ll never see those 10 Euros again
NIMBY IS AN ACRONYM
NIMBY is an acronym for
“Not In My Back Yard”
If you want to find a Nimby
It really isn’t very hard
ON THE WARD FOR UNWELL BOYS
On the ward for unwell boys
There were a selection of toys
Operation was the particular game
That Tom asked for by name
But Sister said without hesitation
“There’s a waiting list for operation”
THEY’VE STARTED A BREEDING PROGRAM
They’ve started a breeding program
At our local petting zoo
But visitors are worried it will
Become a heavy petting zoo
I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL
I was hanging out by the pool
When I was on holiday in Spain
But someone kindly let me know
So I tucked it back in again
MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PACK OF CARDS
Marriage is like a pack of cards
For when the first deal is made
All you need is a couple of Hearts
And a Diamond to make the grade
But by the end of the endeavour
You will want a Club and a Spade
MY DOG BIT ME ON THE NUTS
My dog bit me on the nuts
When I accidentally kicked her
My wife said it was karma
But I thought she was crosser
SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY
She was so drunk at the party
When her period came on
She mistakenly used a party popper
Instead of a tampon
WHEN I SAW MY WIFE’S BOTOX BILL
When I saw my wife’s Botox bill
I couldn’t believe my eyes
I pointed it out to my wife
But she didn’t look surprised
THE COMPANY WHO SUPPLIED
The company who supplied
My wife’s enhanced d-cup
Used Helium breast implants
So the company went tits up
While we were in Spain
I bought a Rolex from an Algerian
Which turned out to be a fake
I’ll never see those 10 Euros again
NIMBY IS AN ACRONYM
NIMBY is an acronym for
“Not In My Back Yard”
If you want to find a Nimby
It really isn’t very hard
ON THE WARD FOR UNWELL BOYS
On the ward for unwell boys
There were a selection of toys
Operation was the particular game
That Tom asked for by name
But Sister said without hesitation
“There’s a waiting list for operation”
THEY’VE STARTED A BREEDING PROGRAM
They’ve started a breeding program
At our local petting zoo
But visitors are worried it will
Become a heavy petting zoo
I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL
I was hanging out by the pool
When I was on holiday in Spain
But someone kindly let me know
So I tucked it back in again
MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PACK OF CARDS
Marriage is like a pack of cards
For when the first deal is made
All you need is a couple of Hearts
And a Diamond to make the grade
But by the end of the endeavour
You will want a Club and a Spade
MY DOG BIT ME ON THE NUTS
My dog bit me on the nuts
When I accidentally kicked her
My wife said it was karma
But I thought she was crosser
SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY
She was so drunk at the party
When her period came on
She mistakenly used a party popper
Instead of a tampon
WHEN I SAW MY WIFE’S BOTOX BILL
When I saw my wife’s Botox bill
I couldn’t believe my eyes
I pointed it out to my wife
But she didn’t look surprised
THE COMPANY WHO SUPPLIED
The company who supplied
My wife’s enhanced d-cup
Used Helium breast implants
So the company went tits up
A Little Bit Of Humour # 106
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 9
When we were on holiday
My wife was bitten by a mosquito
Nowhere in the brochure
Did it mention mosquitoes
BANANA IS AN ACRONYM
BANANA is an acronym for
"Build Absolutely Nothing
Anywhere Near Anybody"
That’s real forward thinking
I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MACHISMO
I wanted to write a book about machismo
About real men achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my wife wouldn't let me
I’M NOT DAIRY OR GLUTEN INTOLERANT
I’m not dairy or gluten intolerant
Nor do I follow the sugar free fad
I don’t need to entertain them,
I’m tolerant of all foods and I’m glad
ARE YOU USING CONTRACEPTION?
“Are you using contraception?
Either Condoms or the pill?
So between you and your boyfriend”
She was asked “Who foots the bill?”
“I do” she replied “I’m a liberated woman,
But the cost of them is something grim,
The problem is I don't know him well enough
To discuss money with him”
WHY CAN'T HOBO’S PLAY BASEBALL?
Why can't hobo’s play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home
DON’T MOAN ABOUT FUEL ECONOMY
Don’t moan about fuel Economy
Please don’t keep going on
Spare a thought for Dr Who
His Tardis get 30 years to the gallon
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, AGAIN
When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the deal
But if life gives you Lemmings
I’m afraid that’s too surreal
NATURE GIFTED US WITH THE SNOWY OWL
Nature gifted us with the snowy owl
Who on majestic wings takes flight
In the Arctic regions of the North
Hunting its prey both day and night
CORBYN!
Corbyn! Leading the labour party
They couldn’t have got it wronger
I wouldn’t have voted for him
To lead the conference party conga
When we were on holiday
My wife was bitten by a mosquito
Nowhere in the brochure
Did it mention mosquitoes
BANANA IS AN ACRONYM
BANANA is an acronym for
"Build Absolutely Nothing
Anywhere Near Anybody"
That’s real forward thinking
I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MACHISMO
I wanted to write a book about machismo
About real men achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my wife wouldn't let me
I’M NOT DAIRY OR GLUTEN INTOLERANT
I’m not dairy or gluten intolerant
Nor do I follow the sugar free fad
I don’t need to entertain them,
I’m tolerant of all foods and I’m glad
ARE YOU USING CONTRACEPTION?
“Are you using contraception?
Either Condoms or the pill?
So between you and your boyfriend”
She was asked “Who foots the bill?”
“I do” she replied “I’m a liberated woman,
But the cost of them is something grim,
The problem is I don't know him well enough
To discuss money with him”
WHY CAN'T HOBO’S PLAY BASEBALL?
Why can't hobo’s play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home
DON’T MOAN ABOUT FUEL ECONOMY
Don’t moan about fuel Economy
Please don’t keep going on
Spare a thought for Dr Who
His Tardis get 30 years to the gallon
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, AGAIN
When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the deal
But if life gives you Lemmings
I’m afraid that’s too surreal
NATURE GIFTED US WITH THE SNOWY OWL
Nature gifted us with the snowy owl
Who on majestic wings takes flight
In the Arctic regions of the North
Hunting its prey both day and night
CORBYN!
Corbyn! Leading the labour party
They couldn’t have got it wronger
I wouldn’t have voted for him
To lead the conference party conga
A Little Bit Of Humour # 105
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 8
We had to line up outside
To catch the sightseeing boat
And there was no air-conditioning
Not even when we got afloat
ADIDAS IS AN ACRONYM
ADIDAS is an acronym for
"All day I dream about sex"
And by the time I get to bed
I’m suffering from the effects
IT’S TEN YEARS, ALMOST TO THE DAY
Its ten years, almost to the day
Since I decided to marry my wife
And marrying her was the last
Decision I made in my life
PERCEPTION AND PERSPECTIVE
Perception and perspective
That’s life and all about it
Although I suppose it would
Depend on how you look at it
I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT FEMINISM
I wanted to write a book about feminism
About women achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my boyfriend wouldn't let me
THE WEARING OF ODD COLOURED SOCKS
The wearing of odd coloured socks
Is considered quirky by the youth
For adulthood it’s a bit hipster
But for seniors its dementia in truth
THERE MIGHT WELL BE, AS THEY SAY
There might well be, as they say
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a soul
I'm left holding my pole
A MAJOR NEW BIOPIC IS PLANNED
A major new Biopic is planned
So British film fans stand by
It is about Greggs the Bakers
It will be called “The Life of Pie”
TO MANY THE TIME ARRIVES
To many the time arrives
To take stock of their lives
But it’s nothing I condone
So leave your livestock alone
THE BRICK ROAD IS YELLOW
The brick road is yellow
In Oz because, because
Of the insanitary habits
Of the Wizzer of Oz
We had to line up outside
To catch the sightseeing boat
And there was no air-conditioning
Not even when we got afloat
ADIDAS IS AN ACRONYM
ADIDAS is an acronym for
"All day I dream about sex"
And by the time I get to bed
I’m suffering from the effects
IT’S TEN YEARS, ALMOST TO THE DAY
Its ten years, almost to the day
Since I decided to marry my wife
And marrying her was the last
Decision I made in my life
PERCEPTION AND PERSPECTIVE
Perception and perspective
That’s life and all about it
Although I suppose it would
Depend on how you look at it
I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT FEMINISM
I wanted to write a book about feminism
About women achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my boyfriend wouldn't let me
THE WEARING OF ODD COLOURED SOCKS
The wearing of odd coloured socks
Is considered quirky by the youth
For adulthood it’s a bit hipster
But for seniors its dementia in truth
THERE MIGHT WELL BE, AS THEY SAY
There might well be, as they say
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a soul
I'm left holding my pole
A MAJOR NEW BIOPIC IS PLANNED
A major new Biopic is planned
So British film fans stand by
It is about Greggs the Bakers
It will be called “The Life of Pie”
TO MANY THE TIME ARRIVES
To many the time arrives
To take stock of their lives
But it’s nothing I condone
So leave your livestock alone
THE BRICK ROAD IS YELLOW
The brick road is yellow
In Oz because, because
Of the insanitary habits
Of the Wizzer of Oz
A Little Bit Of Humour # 104
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 7
When we were in Spain there
Were a lot of foreigner there
And they all spoke Spanish
Which I don’t think is fair
WASP IS AN ACRONYM
WASP is an acronym for
"White Anglo-Saxon Protestant"
The target demographic for UKIP
And Nigel Farage has their scent
I WAS CAMPING OUT AT THE WEEKEND
I was camping out at the weekend
In the evergreen forests of Caledonia
But I was confused when I discovered
The pine trees smelt of air freshener
I WENT TO A TALK ABOUT THE WHEELBARROW
I went to a talk about the Wheelbarrow
Just another boring gardening talk
But I was wrong, it was totally enthralling
Next week’s position is the crab walk
I VISITED NIGEL FARAGE’S GARDEN
I visited Nigel Farage’s garden
Well it was hardly National Trust
The patch of lawn was really shit
But the borders were very robust
MY GARDENER HAS OCD
My gardener has OCD
His herb beds are alphabetized
I asked how he found the time
“It’s next to the Sage” he replied
MY SISTER IS A GIANT IN JOURNALISM
My sister is a giant in journalism
And her prowess is eternal
Standing over six feet high
She’s on the Tall Street Journal
WHY ARE PIDGEON’S GREAT BASEBALL PLAYERS?
Why are Pidgeon’s great baseball players?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well it’s obvious when you think about it
It’s because they always make it home
I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT INDEPENDENCE
I wanted to write a book about independence
About people achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my mum wouldn't let me
WE HAVE TWO THINGS IN OUR TOWN
We have two things in our town
Pharmaceuticals and Speedway
The latter has fast and furious thrills
But they don’t use bikes by the way
When we were in Spain there
Were a lot of foreigner there
And they all spoke Spanish
Which I don’t think is fair
WASP IS AN ACRONYM
WASP is an acronym for
"White Anglo-Saxon Protestant"
The target demographic for UKIP
And Nigel Farage has their scent
I WAS CAMPING OUT AT THE WEEKEND
I was camping out at the weekend
In the evergreen forests of Caledonia
But I was confused when I discovered
The pine trees smelt of air freshener
I WENT TO A TALK ABOUT THE WHEELBARROW
I went to a talk about the Wheelbarrow
Just another boring gardening talk
But I was wrong, it was totally enthralling
Next week’s position is the crab walk
I VISITED NIGEL FARAGE’S GARDEN
I visited Nigel Farage’s garden
Well it was hardly National Trust
The patch of lawn was really shit
But the borders were very robust
MY GARDENER HAS OCD
My gardener has OCD
His herb beds are alphabetized
I asked how he found the time
“It’s next to the Sage” he replied
MY SISTER IS A GIANT IN JOURNALISM
My sister is a giant in journalism
And her prowess is eternal
Standing over six feet high
She’s on the Tall Street Journal
WHY ARE PIDGEON’S GREAT BASEBALL PLAYERS?
Why are Pidgeon’s great baseball players?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well it’s obvious when you think about it
It’s because they always make it home
I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT INDEPENDENCE
I wanted to write a book about independence
About people achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my mum wouldn't let me
WE HAVE TWO THINGS IN OUR TOWN
We have two things in our town
Pharmaceuticals and Speedway
The latter has fast and furious thrills
But they don’t use bikes by the way
Friday, 2 October 2015
A Little Bit Of Humour # 103
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 6
“No hairdressers at the resort”
The sign said at the resort
My wife is a hairdresser
And she was totally distraught
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 6
We went all-inclusive and booked
A day out to a water park, with flumes
But no-one thought to tell us we needed
To take our own swimming costumes
BOOF IS AN ACRONYM
BOOF is an acronym
For "burned out old fart"
I hope that doesn’t refer to me
I’ll tell you that for a start
VAGAZZLING
Vagazzling is a really bizarre
Thing to do to your bits, ok
Because the only men that
Find it attractive will be gay
I’VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF COMPLEMENTARY MEDICINE
I’ve never been a fan of complementary medicine
But when all else failed I decided to try it
I was given helium as part of my treatment
And I can’t speak highly enough about it
AFTER BEING CAUGHT USING
After being caught using an
Abhorrent substance in plain view
The shamed sportsman has promised
Never again to touch tofu
AFTER BEING CAUGHT, WITH NO EXCUSE
After being caught, with no excuse
For abhorrent substance abuse
The shamed sportsman has sworn
Never again to touch Quorn
AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES
At the Winter Olympics Games
One of the sponsors participating
Is a pharmaceutical giant who
Are sponsoring the Speed skating
IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT RED BULL
It was inevitable that Red Bull
Would be involved in Formula One
The spectators need to drink it
To stay awake when all said and done
I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I DISLIKE F1
I can’t tell you how much I dislike F1
I only watch as a last resort
I find the F1 function key on my laptop
More interesting than the sport
“No hairdressers at the resort”
The sign said at the resort
My wife is a hairdresser
And she was totally distraught
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 6
We went all-inclusive and booked
A day out to a water park, with flumes
But no-one thought to tell us we needed
To take our own swimming costumes
BOOF IS AN ACRONYM
BOOF is an acronym
For "burned out old fart"
I hope that doesn’t refer to me
I’ll tell you that for a start
VAGAZZLING
Vagazzling is a really bizarre
Thing to do to your bits, ok
Because the only men that
Find it attractive will be gay
I’VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF COMPLEMENTARY MEDICINE
I’ve never been a fan of complementary medicine
But when all else failed I decided to try it
I was given helium as part of my treatment
And I can’t speak highly enough about it
AFTER BEING CAUGHT USING
After being caught using an
Abhorrent substance in plain view
The shamed sportsman has promised
Never again to touch tofu
AFTER BEING CAUGHT, WITH NO EXCUSE
After being caught, with no excuse
For abhorrent substance abuse
The shamed sportsman has sworn
Never again to touch Quorn
AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES
At the Winter Olympics Games
One of the sponsors participating
Is a pharmaceutical giant who
Are sponsoring the Speed skating
IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT RED BULL
It was inevitable that Red Bull
Would be involved in Formula One
The spectators need to drink it
To stay awake when all said and done
I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I DISLIKE F1
I can’t tell you how much I dislike F1
I only watch as a last resort
I find the F1 function key on my laptop
More interesting than the sport
A Little Bit Of Humour # 102
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 5
We flew to the West Indies
It took nine hours to get there
It took the Americans three hours
This seems very unfair
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 5
We requested a twin bed room
But we ended up with a king size
As a result my wife is pregnant
So that was a nice holiday surprise
CRAFT IS AN ACRONYM
CRAFT is an acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”
And it’s an Acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”
WE WENT TO THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX
We went to the local Multiplex
To watch a film called “Anticlimax”
I would have left early if I could
Although the first part was good
MY GIRLFRIEND PASSED OUT
My girlfriend passed out
On the “merry go round”
But she’s alright now, as
What goes around comes around
MY UNCLE’S FAVOURITE TREAT
My uncle’s favourite treat
Is Millionaire’s shortbread
But since he won the lottery
He just calls it shortbread
BEFORE THE WALL CAME DOWN
Before the wall came down, the
East was all about the Warsaw Pact
But since it was demolished, now
The East is empty and that’s a fact
I KNOW THAT PETTY CRIME IS RIFE
I know that petty crime is rife
But how did it come to this
Someone stole my urine sample
And that’s taking the piss
YOU CAN TRAIN ANIMALS TO DO ANYTHING
You can train animals to do anything
I don’t know where it will stop
We have a Pole dancing sheep
In the window of the kebab shop
AFTER MANY YEARS OF HARD WORK
After many years of hard work
Dedication, and repetitive training
Honing my craft at small events
Being informative and entertaining
So when the Olympics came around
My confidence was brimming
But I still ended up commentating
On the synchronized swimming
We flew to the West Indies
It took nine hours to get there
It took the Americans three hours
This seems very unfair
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 5
We requested a twin bed room
But we ended up with a king size
As a result my wife is pregnant
So that was a nice holiday surprise
CRAFT IS AN ACRONYM
CRAFT is an acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”
And it’s an Acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”
WE WENT TO THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX
We went to the local Multiplex
To watch a film called “Anticlimax”
I would have left early if I could
Although the first part was good
MY GIRLFRIEND PASSED OUT
My girlfriend passed out
On the “merry go round”
But she’s alright now, as
What goes around comes around
MY UNCLE’S FAVOURITE TREAT
My uncle’s favourite treat
Is Millionaire’s shortbread
But since he won the lottery
He just calls it shortbread
BEFORE THE WALL CAME DOWN
Before the wall came down, the
East was all about the Warsaw Pact
But since it was demolished, now
The East is empty and that’s a fact
I KNOW THAT PETTY CRIME IS RIFE
I know that petty crime is rife
But how did it come to this
Someone stole my urine sample
And that’s taking the piss
YOU CAN TRAIN ANIMALS TO DO ANYTHING
You can train animals to do anything
I don’t know where it will stop
We have a Pole dancing sheep
In the window of the kebab shop
AFTER MANY YEARS OF HARD WORK
After many years of hard work
Dedication, and repetitive training
Honing my craft at small events
Being informative and entertaining
So when the Olympics came around
My confidence was brimming
But I still ended up commentating
On the synchronized swimming
A Little Bit Of Humour # 101
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 4
We went to Spain on Holiday
But we didn’t like it a bit
The local supermarket
Didn’t even sell a proper biscuit
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 4
When we were on holiday
We went swimming in the sea
No-one said there would be fish
The kids found it very scary
DILF IS AN ACRONYM
DILF is an acronym for
“Dad I’d like to fuck”
I got one that says
“Who’s the daddy”, just my luck
WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
What is an Australian kiss?
Do you ever wonder?
Well it’s the same as a French kiss,
Only it’s down under.
THE PAPILLION AFFAIR
My friends happened to mention that
They didn’t particularly like butterflies
And my parents lost it completely,
Not caring for wherefores or whys
My friends became persona non grata
Treated as if they were evil Visigoths
It wasn’t as if they harmed butterflies
They just thought them arrogant Moths
THE BIG SALE STARTS TODAY
The big sale starts today,
30% Reduction Friday
Which comes the day after
50% increase Thursday
TURN ON COUNTDOWN
Last night I was watching Countdown
And Rachel Riley in a colourful gown
When I told my wife, where I am housed
That when watching Rachel I got Aroused
I could tell that I had let down my guard
Her instant response was to slap me, hard
She slapped me unconscious how absurd
And all I did was get a seven-letter word
POSTMAN LOSES SACK
“Postman loses sack”
The crossword-er said
How many letters?
A listener wondered
The former replied
About 500
THE HEAD OF GLOBAL SALES
The head of global sales
Bought a new kitten today
And when he took it home
He took it to the litter tray
And then he said “let’s not
Think outside the box, ok”
THE ONLY GOOD THING
The only good thing
About the end of Wimbledon
Is it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season
We went to Spain on Holiday
But we didn’t like it a bit
The local supermarket
Didn’t even sell a proper biscuit
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 4
When we were on holiday
We went swimming in the sea
No-one said there would be fish
The kids found it very scary
DILF IS AN ACRONYM
DILF is an acronym for
“Dad I’d like to fuck”
I got one that says
“Who’s the daddy”, just my luck
WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
What is an Australian kiss?
Do you ever wonder?
Well it’s the same as a French kiss,
Only it’s down under.
THE PAPILLION AFFAIR
My friends happened to mention that
They didn’t particularly like butterflies
And my parents lost it completely,
Not caring for wherefores or whys
My friends became persona non grata
Treated as if they were evil Visigoths
It wasn’t as if they harmed butterflies
They just thought them arrogant Moths
THE BIG SALE STARTS TODAY
The big sale starts today,
30% Reduction Friday
Which comes the day after
50% increase Thursday
TURN ON COUNTDOWN
Last night I was watching Countdown
And Rachel Riley in a colourful gown
When I told my wife, where I am housed
That when watching Rachel I got Aroused
I could tell that I had let down my guard
Her instant response was to slap me, hard
She slapped me unconscious how absurd
And all I did was get a seven-letter word
POSTMAN LOSES SACK
“Postman loses sack”
The crossword-er said
How many letters?
A listener wondered
The former replied
About 500
THE HEAD OF GLOBAL SALES
The head of global sales
Bought a new kitten today
And when he took it home
He took it to the litter tray
And then he said “let’s not
Think outside the box, ok”
THE ONLY GOOD THING
The only good thing
About the end of Wimbledon
Is it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season
A Little Bit Of Humour # 100
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 3
We went on holiday to Spain
But the shopkeepers couldn’t be lazier
The shops closed in the afternoon
I ran out of fags during the Siesta
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 3
Topless sunbathing on the beach
Should be universally banned
My husband finds it distracting
And can’t relax as he planned
MILF IS AN ACRONYM
MILF is an acronym for
“Mum I’d like to fuck”
But I’d end up with a Mother
Superior knowing my luck
WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT A SELFIE STICK
When I first heard about a selfie stick
I thought to myself “that sounds good”
But when I eventually got to see one
It was obvious I had misunderstood
I HAD BREAKFAST WITH AN ORNITHOLOGIST
I had breakfast with an Ornithologist
And I thought the waiter made a mistake
But it turned out it was me who was wrong
He really had ordered some Corn Crake
THE TRUTH ABOUT CANDY CRUSH
When I first heard the name mentioned
I had a flash back to tell the truth
I was convinced that Candy Crush
Was a minor porn star from my youth
I AM A QUITE REMARKABLE PERSON
I am a quite remarkable person
And that’s a matter of fact
But the trouble with being fantastic
Is that Opposites attract
THE IRISH CELEBRATE ST PATRICKS DAY
The Irish celebrate St Patricks Day
And I have always wondered why
As they have three patron saints
Perhaps Patrick had a better PR guy
HE WAS NOT BLESSED WITH LOOKS
He was not blessed with looks
And had a look to be pitied
He had a face like a fit, but
You couldn’t tell what it fitted
HIS FEATURES WERE AT ODDS
His features were at odds
Individually each was a quirk
His face didn’t seem to understand
The value of teamwork
NEGLECTED WIFE
She was a good wife but was neglected
She had no marital attention paid
Her husband was always in the pub
Blowing the froth off another barmaid
We went on holiday to Spain
But the shopkeepers couldn’t be lazier
The shops closed in the afternoon
I ran out of fags during the Siesta
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 3
Topless sunbathing on the beach
Should be universally banned
My husband finds it distracting
And can’t relax as he planned
MILF IS AN ACRONYM
MILF is an acronym for
“Mum I’d like to fuck”
But I’d end up with a Mother
Superior knowing my luck
WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT A SELFIE STICK
When I first heard about a selfie stick
I thought to myself “that sounds good”
But when I eventually got to see one
It was obvious I had misunderstood
I HAD BREAKFAST WITH AN ORNITHOLOGIST
I had breakfast with an Ornithologist
And I thought the waiter made a mistake
But it turned out it was me who was wrong
He really had ordered some Corn Crake
THE TRUTH ABOUT CANDY CRUSH
When I first heard the name mentioned
I had a flash back to tell the truth
I was convinced that Candy Crush
Was a minor porn star from my youth
I AM A QUITE REMARKABLE PERSON
I am a quite remarkable person
And that’s a matter of fact
But the trouble with being fantastic
Is that Opposites attract
THE IRISH CELEBRATE ST PATRICKS DAY
The Irish celebrate St Patricks Day
And I have always wondered why
As they have three patron saints
Perhaps Patrick had a better PR guy
HE WAS NOT BLESSED WITH LOOKS
He was not blessed with looks
And had a look to be pitied
He had a face like a fit, but
You couldn’t tell what it fitted
HIS FEATURES WERE AT ODDS
His features were at odds
Individually each was a quirk
His face didn’t seem to understand
The value of teamwork
NEGLECTED WIFE
She was a good wife but was neglected
She had no marital attention paid
Her husband was always in the pub
Blowing the froth off another barmaid
A Little Bit Of Humour # 99
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 2
We went on holiday to Spain
The taxi drivers were a nightmare
All of them were Spanish
Now how can that be fair?
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 2
We had a terrible holiday
It was ruined by drunken pests
Our tour operator should have
Warned us of noisy unruly guests
ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE COLOGNE?
Are you wearing eau de Cologne?
Well something smells wrong
I don’t think it’s the real deal
Like it was bottled in Hong Kong?
ALTHOUGH I’M CLEARLY NOT A GIRL
Although I’m clearly not a girl I do
Understand the concept of a trainer bra
But if there are similar aims with trainer socks
Then I don’t know what they are
MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR IS FAT AND BALD
My next door neighbour is fat and bald
And just sits around all day
He’s looks like the Buddha, but without
The enlightenment I’d say
I TOLD MY DAD THAT I HAD JOB TEMPING
I told my dad that I had job temping
Which sent him quite dolalli
“Fifteen years of education” he raged
“To work at a bowling alley”
ECCEDENTESIAST DESCRIBES SOMEONE
Eccedentesiast describes someone
Who hide their pain behind a smile
Football supporters are like that
Especially if you support Carlisle
MY MUSIC TASTES ARE QUITE ECLECTIC
My music tastes are quite eclectic
So in almost any genre I easily fit
From classical to electro swing
But rap music is an oxymoron isn’t it?
THE DEFINITION OF OXYMORON
The definition of oxymoron
Well that should be a breeze
I’ll give you a clue, it’s not
A person too stupid to breathe
APPLE ARE BUILDING A NEW HQ
Apple are building a new HQ
Its secret design, nobody knows
But one thing we know for sure
The office won’t have windows
We went on holiday to Spain
The taxi drivers were a nightmare
All of them were Spanish
Now how can that be fair?
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 2
We had a terrible holiday
It was ruined by drunken pests
Our tour operator should have
Warned us of noisy unruly guests
ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE COLOGNE?
Are you wearing eau de Cologne?
Well something smells wrong
I don’t think it’s the real deal
Like it was bottled in Hong Kong?
ALTHOUGH I’M CLEARLY NOT A GIRL
Although I’m clearly not a girl I do
Understand the concept of a trainer bra
But if there are similar aims with trainer socks
Then I don’t know what they are
MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR IS FAT AND BALD
My next door neighbour is fat and bald
And just sits around all day
He’s looks like the Buddha, but without
The enlightenment I’d say
I TOLD MY DAD THAT I HAD JOB TEMPING
I told my dad that I had job temping
Which sent him quite dolalli
“Fifteen years of education” he raged
“To work at a bowling alley”
ECCEDENTESIAST DESCRIBES SOMEONE
Eccedentesiast describes someone
Who hide their pain behind a smile
Football supporters are like that
Especially if you support Carlisle
MY MUSIC TASTES ARE QUITE ECLECTIC
My music tastes are quite eclectic
So in almost any genre I easily fit
From classical to electro swing
But rap music is an oxymoron isn’t it?
THE DEFINITION OF OXYMORON
The definition of oxymoron
Well that should be a breeze
I’ll give you a clue, it’s not
A person too stupid to breathe
APPLE ARE BUILDING A NEW HQ
Apple are building a new HQ
Its secret design, nobody knows
But one thing we know for sure
The office won’t have windows
A Little Bit Of Humour # 98
WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 1
We went on holiday to Goa in India
We won’t go back in a hurry
I was disgusted to find that almost
Every restaurant served curry
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 1
We went on a self-catering
Luxury break in Bognor
But the fully equipped kitchen
Didn’t have an egg separator
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES? # 1
Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Or you might catch cold
YOLO IS AN ACRONYM
YOLO is an acronym for
“You only live once” which is nice
Unless of course you’re James Bond
Then “you only live twice”
ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE TOILETTE?
Are you wearing eau de toilette?
Well it’s starting to make me gag
It also reminds me of something
Oh I know it’s a tarts handbag
APPLE ARE DESIGNING A HOUSE
Apple are designing a house
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iHome
Is going to have Windows
GROUNDHOG DAY 2015
I heard that Punxsutawney Phil had last year
Bitten the towns Mayor's on the ear
It spoilt the photo opportunity alright
I wonder if that would be a sound bite?
GREECE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS HAS NOW DEEPENED
Greece’s financial crisis has now deepened
Causing a deep and widespread depression
Humus and Taramasalata sales have been banned
Which has now caused a double dip recession
MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT
My wife is a sex object
Though I still have respect
But whenever I ask for sex,
She will always object
ACCORDING TO A POLL
Women’s silk Panties are Not
The best thing on earth,
According to a poll they are
Next to the best thing on earth
We went on holiday to Goa in India
We won’t go back in a hurry
I was disgusted to find that almost
Every restaurant served curry
WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 1
We went on a self-catering
Luxury break in Bognor
But the fully equipped kitchen
Didn’t have an egg separator
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES? # 1
Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Or you might catch cold
YOLO IS AN ACRONYM
YOLO is an acronym for
“You only live once” which is nice
Unless of course you’re James Bond
Then “you only live twice”
ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE TOILETTE?
Are you wearing eau de toilette?
Well it’s starting to make me gag
It also reminds me of something
Oh I know it’s a tarts handbag
APPLE ARE DESIGNING A HOUSE
Apple are designing a house
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iHome
Is going to have Windows
GROUNDHOG DAY 2015
I heard that Punxsutawney Phil had last year
Bitten the towns Mayor's on the ear
It spoilt the photo opportunity alright
I wonder if that would be a sound bite?
GREECE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS HAS NOW DEEPENED
Greece’s financial crisis has now deepened
Causing a deep and widespread depression
Humus and Taramasalata sales have been banned
Which has now caused a double dip recession
MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT
My wife is a sex object
Though I still have respect
But whenever I ask for sex,
She will always object
ACCORDING TO A POLL
Women’s silk Panties are Not
The best thing on earth,
According to a poll they are
Next to the best thing on earth
Tuesday, 24 March 2015
Easter Tales 2015
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER TOP?
Are you wearing an Easter Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
YOU CAN LIKEN IT TO RUDOLF
Why does the Easter Bunny
Have such a shiny nose?
You can liken it to Rudolf
The thing actually glows
Well the answer is obvious
And I don’t mean to offend
But it’s because his powder puff
Is stuck to his rear end
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER DRESS?
Are you wearing an Easter Dress?
The big yellow ribbon is really pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So I can unwrap my Easter present
LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 1
Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter does not commemorate the time
When Jesus hid eggs in the gardens
Of Gethsemane for the disciples to find
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER HAT?
Are you wearing an Easter Hat?
Well more accurately it’s a bonnet
It sits so perfectly on your head
And you’re as pretty as a sonnet
THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1
The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting hero
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Rabbit De Niro
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER CHICKS?
Are you wearing Easter chicks?
They’re precious little honeys
But I have to be honest
I much prefer your bunnies
THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 1
The only way the Easter Bunny
Can paint all of the eggs in time for Easter
Is to hire some of Santa's elves
During the slow season as casual labour
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER SWEATER?
Are you wearing an Easter sweater?
It’s one of the hand knitted ones
Though I’m not a fan of novelty knitwear
I can ogle your hot crossed buns
THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2
The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting Ophelia
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Bunnie Bedelia
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Easter ankle socks?
Well they’re right on the money
They’re perfect for the Easter Parade
And you look as cute as a bunny
EASTER MEANING
Easter bunny
In his furry suit
Baby Chickens
Soft and cute
Easter cards
Of greeting
Sing praise at the
Sunday meeting
And remember
The meaning of Easter
It’s the chocolate eggs
It’s a no brainer
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER JUMPER?
Are you wearing an Easter Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
But you really don’t need a bigger size
It fits them perfectly if I may apprise
THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 2
The only way the Easter Bunny
Can decorate eggs in time for Easter
Is to paint them all, otherwise
They would have to use wallpaper
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER CARDIGAN?
Are you wearing an Easter Cardigan?
Or perhaps I should ask you why?
It’s a gloriously sunny day
And there’s not a cloud in the sky
LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 2
Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter Day does not commemorate
The a day in the gardens Of Gethsemane
When Jesus turned rabbits into chocolate
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Easter earrings?
To mark the most holy of days
With the simplicity of the cross
It is the most symbolic of ways
WHAT CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
It’s a question as old as money
And the answer to it is quite obvious
It was in fact neither, it was the Easter Bunny
DURING THE EASTER HOLIDAY
During the Easter holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 3
The best Easter actor of all time
Well maybe not but bear with me
So for this exercise he’s the winner
And Cluck Norris that would be
SO WHICH CAME FIRST
So which came first
What do you reckon?
The chocolate egg
Or the chocolate chicken
Are you wearing an Easter Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
YOU CAN LIKEN IT TO RUDOLF
Why does the Easter Bunny
Have such a shiny nose?
You can liken it to Rudolf
The thing actually glows
Well the answer is obvious
And I don’t mean to offend
But it’s because his powder puff
Is stuck to his rear end
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER DRESS?
Are you wearing an Easter Dress?
The big yellow ribbon is really pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So I can unwrap my Easter present
LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 1
Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter does not commemorate the time
When Jesus hid eggs in the gardens
Of Gethsemane for the disciples to find
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER HAT?
Are you wearing an Easter Hat?
Well more accurately it’s a bonnet
It sits so perfectly on your head
And you’re as pretty as a sonnet
THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1
The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting hero
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Rabbit De Niro
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER CHICKS?
Are you wearing Easter chicks?
They’re precious little honeys
But I have to be honest
I much prefer your bunnies
THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 1
The only way the Easter Bunny
Can paint all of the eggs in time for Easter
Is to hire some of Santa's elves
During the slow season as casual labour
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER SWEATER?
Are you wearing an Easter sweater?
It’s one of the hand knitted ones
Though I’m not a fan of novelty knitwear
I can ogle your hot crossed buns
THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2
The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting Ophelia
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Bunnie Bedelia
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Easter ankle socks?
Well they’re right on the money
They’re perfect for the Easter Parade
And you look as cute as a bunny
EASTER MEANING
Easter bunny
In his furry suit
Baby Chickens
Soft and cute
Easter cards
Of greeting
Sing praise at the
Sunday meeting
And remember
The meaning of Easter
It’s the chocolate eggs
It’s a no brainer
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER JUMPER?
Are you wearing an Easter Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
But you really don’t need a bigger size
It fits them perfectly if I may apprise
THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 2
The only way the Easter Bunny
Can decorate eggs in time for Easter
Is to paint them all, otherwise
They would have to use wallpaper
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER CARDIGAN?
Are you wearing an Easter Cardigan?
Or perhaps I should ask you why?
It’s a gloriously sunny day
And there’s not a cloud in the sky
LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 2
Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter Day does not commemorate
The a day in the gardens Of Gethsemane
When Jesus turned rabbits into chocolate
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Easter earrings?
To mark the most holy of days
With the simplicity of the cross
It is the most symbolic of ways
WHAT CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
It’s a question as old as money
And the answer to it is quite obvious
It was in fact neither, it was the Easter Bunny
DURING THE EASTER HOLIDAY
During the Easter holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 3
The best Easter actor of all time
Well maybe not but bear with me
So for this exercise he’s the winner
And Cluck Norris that would be
SO WHICH CAME FIRST
So which came first
What do you reckon?
The chocolate egg
Or the chocolate chicken
Monday, 2 March 2015
A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 2
I AM A LOVER OF PUCCINI
I am a lover of Puccini
And his music is so powerful
That the meaning of the words
Are almost immaterial
WE ALL NEED A PLACE TO BE ALONE
We all need a place to be alone
Somewhere to find serenity
A place for some “me” time
It could be in the mountains
Or down beside the sea
Or even sitting in the garden
Enjoying a cup of tea
IT ISN’T AU REVOIR
It isn’t au revoir
It’s not auf wiedersehen
Nor is it arrivederci
You will not appear again
Dignitas is simply
Goodbye to pain
THE GIRL IN THE PEONY RED
I noticed her immediately
As I entered the bar
The girl in the Peony red
And playing about her lips
There was an acquiescent smile
Which was aimed my way
But I didn’t return it
And let it pass me by
She wasn’t my type after all
I’m quite fussy that way
But I did cast a glance
In the general direction
Of the eager entourage of
Drooling men surrounding her
Feeding off her raw sexuality
And as I watched the mermaid
Surrounded by a pack of sharks
I realized that I had misread
The smile she sent my way
It wasn’t my company she sort
But my help she desired
She looked like a movie starlet
Cornered by the paparazzi
So I rescued the damsel
And since that day
We have been best friends
OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO STRONG
Our friendship is so strong
It will never come apart,
Because the bonds of friendship
Come straight from the heart
IT PROVIDES FAR MORE PROBLEMS
It provides far more problems
Than any solutions it brings
For communism doesn't work
As people like to own things
PARLIAMENT ENACT THE LAWS
Parliament enact the Laws
To legislate our behaviour
Police officers patrol the streets
To enforce the law
Then the court system shows us
The error of our ways
Well that’s the theory anyway
Politicians call the tunes
And the police cherry pick
The laws that they enforce
And the crown prosecution service
Take only the cases they can win
Or that make them look good
And all three elements
Play to the media
SAMHAIN
Samhain, on November 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Samhain marks
The beginning of winter,
The End of the harvest season,
And the end of autumn
Celebrated with feasting,
Guising and mumming
And the lighting of bonfires
DRAGONS PERFORM AEROBATICS
Dragons perform aerobatics
In the azure sky
Griffons are asked to join in
But won’t even try
Dodo’s dance a perfect
Flightless jig
The bald eagle appears
Wearing a wig
Mermaids do aqua ballet
On a flat sea of glass
Unicorns canter through
Scented meadow grass
That’s the end of my
Nonsense I fear
If you want anymore
Try Edward Lear
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM
Happy birthday mum
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
I am a lover of Puccini
And his music is so powerful
That the meaning of the words
Are almost immaterial
WE ALL NEED A PLACE TO BE ALONE
We all need a place to be alone
Somewhere to find serenity
A place for some “me” time
It could be in the mountains
Or down beside the sea
Or even sitting in the garden
Enjoying a cup of tea
IT ISN’T AU REVOIR
It isn’t au revoir
It’s not auf wiedersehen
Nor is it arrivederci
You will not appear again
Dignitas is simply
Goodbye to pain
THE GIRL IN THE PEONY RED
I noticed her immediately
As I entered the bar
The girl in the Peony red
And playing about her lips
There was an acquiescent smile
Which was aimed my way
But I didn’t return it
And let it pass me by
She wasn’t my type after all
I’m quite fussy that way
But I did cast a glance
In the general direction
Of the eager entourage of
Drooling men surrounding her
Feeding off her raw sexuality
And as I watched the mermaid
Surrounded by a pack of sharks
I realized that I had misread
The smile she sent my way
It wasn’t my company she sort
But my help she desired
She looked like a movie starlet
Cornered by the paparazzi
So I rescued the damsel
And since that day
We have been best friends
OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO STRONG
Our friendship is so strong
It will never come apart,
Because the bonds of friendship
Come straight from the heart
IT PROVIDES FAR MORE PROBLEMS
It provides far more problems
Than any solutions it brings
For communism doesn't work
As people like to own things
PARLIAMENT ENACT THE LAWS
Parliament enact the Laws
To legislate our behaviour
Police officers patrol the streets
To enforce the law
Then the court system shows us
The error of our ways
Well that’s the theory anyway
Politicians call the tunes
And the police cherry pick
The laws that they enforce
And the crown prosecution service
Take only the cases they can win
Or that make them look good
And all three elements
Play to the media
SAMHAIN
Samhain, on November 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Samhain marks
The beginning of winter,
The End of the harvest season,
And the end of autumn
Celebrated with feasting,
Guising and mumming
And the lighting of bonfires
DRAGONS PERFORM AEROBATICS
Dragons perform aerobatics
In the azure sky
Griffons are asked to join in
But won’t even try
Dodo’s dance a perfect
Flightless jig
The bald eagle appears
Wearing a wig
Mermaids do aqua ballet
On a flat sea of glass
Unicorns canter through
Scented meadow grass
That’s the end of my
Nonsense I fear
If you want anymore
Try Edward Lear
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM
Happy birthday mum
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 1
BELTANE
Beltane, on May 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Beltane marks
The beginning of summer
And the end spring.
Celebrated with feasting,
The decorating of homes
With May flowers,
Visiting the holy wells
And the lighting of bonfires
MALEVOLENCE
It isn’t the Prophet,
Playing on their fears
Nor is it God whispering
Poison in their ears
It isn’t even the cowardly
Old men with bitter breath
That pollute young minds
To be bringers of death
It’s a more ancient evil
Spreading hatreds spoors
That turn young souls
Into satanic warriors
MY SHADOW WATCHES ME AS I WORK
My shadow watches me as I work
And I am thankful for its easy company
Because it means I’m in the sunshine
And it is a constant reminder to me
ON HER CHARIOT DRAWN BY GRIFFINS
On her chariot drawn by griffins
The maiden goddess, dispensing justice
With rod, scales, sword and scourge
The avenger of crime, Nemesis
SHARE YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND YOUR WISDOM
Share your knowledge and your wisdom
While you’re here because in reality
Short of committing mass murder
It's the only way to achieve an immortality
THERE WAS SOMETHING REMARKABLE
There was something remarkable
A special quality beyond belief
Something dangerous and daring
With the dark-haired slip of mischief
LUGHNASADH
Lughnasadh, on August 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Lughnasadh marks
The beginning of autumn,
The harvest season,
And the end summer
Celebrated with feasting,
Fairs and athletic contests
And the offering of First Fruits
IF LIFE IS GETTING YOU DOWN
If life is getting you down
And depressing you increasingly
Take all of your troubles
And toss them into the sea,
You don’t have to do it for real
Just do it metaphorically
But a trip to the beach
Will help you miraculously
OLD
Old man’s withered fingers,
On a gnarled arthritic hand,
Grip the knotted handle
Of his twisted wooden cane
And in his leathered face
Is etched deep the pain
Of a life lived long
And his aged countenance
Each wrinkle tells the tale
CLASSICAL MUSIC MOVES ME
Classical music moves me
I’ve loved it from an early age
And although I can’t comprehend
The dots on the page
The music that they reveal
Is understood in any language
Beltane, on May 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Beltane marks
The beginning of summer
And the end spring.
Celebrated with feasting,
The decorating of homes
With May flowers,
Visiting the holy wells
And the lighting of bonfires
MALEVOLENCE
It isn’t the Prophet,
Playing on their fears
Nor is it God whispering
Poison in their ears
It isn’t even the cowardly
Old men with bitter breath
That pollute young minds
To be bringers of death
It’s a more ancient evil
Spreading hatreds spoors
That turn young souls
Into satanic warriors
MY SHADOW WATCHES ME AS I WORK
My shadow watches me as I work
And I am thankful for its easy company
Because it means I’m in the sunshine
And it is a constant reminder to me
ON HER CHARIOT DRAWN BY GRIFFINS
On her chariot drawn by griffins
The maiden goddess, dispensing justice
With rod, scales, sword and scourge
The avenger of crime, Nemesis
SHARE YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND YOUR WISDOM
Share your knowledge and your wisdom
While you’re here because in reality
Short of committing mass murder
It's the only way to achieve an immortality
THERE WAS SOMETHING REMARKABLE
There was something remarkable
A special quality beyond belief
Something dangerous and daring
With the dark-haired slip of mischief
LUGHNASADH
Lughnasadh, on August 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Lughnasadh marks
The beginning of autumn,
The harvest season,
And the end summer
Celebrated with feasting,
Fairs and athletic contests
And the offering of First Fruits
IF LIFE IS GETTING YOU DOWN
If life is getting you down
And depressing you increasingly
Take all of your troubles
And toss them into the sea,
You don’t have to do it for real
Just do it metaphorically
But a trip to the beach
Will help you miraculously
OLD
Old man’s withered fingers,
On a gnarled arthritic hand,
Grip the knotted handle
Of his twisted wooden cane
And in his leathered face
Is etched deep the pain
Of a life lived long
And his aged countenance
Each wrinkle tells the tale
CLASSICAL MUSIC MOVES ME
Classical music moves me
I’ve loved it from an early age
And although I can’t comprehend
The dots on the page
The music that they reveal
Is understood in any language
Walking With the Living God # 1
WE GIVE OUR PRAISE WITHOUT CONDITION
We give our praise without condition
Given freely to the Lord on high
We sing it to the highest heaven
Our hands held reaching to the sky
THE FATHER IS WITH US EVERY MOMENT
The father is with us every moment
Of every hour both day and night
Over every continent and island
He keeps us in His wondrous light
PATRON SAINT OF WINCHESTER CATHEDRAL
Anglo-Saxon St Swithun
Was Bishop of Winchester
From his consecration
Until his death.
A century later
Dunstan and Æthelwold
Adopted him as patron
Of the restored church
Of Winchester
His body was transferred
From almost complete obscurity
To Æthelwold's new basilica
After which his posthumous miracles occurred
The Winchester egg-woman
And Queen Emma's ordeal
Feast Day 15th July
ST SWITHUN'S DAY
If it rains on the Day of St Swithun
It will not stop for forty days
If it is dry on the Day of St Swithun
Then follows fair for forty days
IF THE WEATHER IS FARE
If the weather is fare
On St Swithun’s day
Then for forty days
You should make hay
LOVE OF GOD
Our God above loves us
So we worship and adore him
His love sustains us all
SENT FROM ON HIGH
Sent from on high
So heavenly demure
A soul of purest light
An angel so pure
To take your hand
When it’s time
And comfort you
On you heavenly climb
A HEART OF PERFECT LOVE
A heart of perfect love
Love being the leaven
To help you Ascend
To the highest Heaven
IF ON ST SWITHUN’S DAY
If on St Swithun’s day
It does heartily rain
Go home and for forty days
Don’t come out again
IN HYMNS AND PSALMS REJOICING
In hymns and psalms rejoicing
We praise our Lord on high
Our praise to heaven ascended
And we lift our voices to the sky
VOICES IN PRAYER ARE NEVER SILENT
Voices in prayer are never silent
As we pray to our Lord on high
Our prayers to heaven ascended
And we lift our eyes to the sky
THE SOURCE OF SPECIAL LOVE
God has always been
The source of special love
A perfect loving faith
That fits me like a glove
THERE IS A SIGN OF HOPE
Everything is not
Wrong in the world
There is a sign of hope
God is our inspiration
And our Guiding light
SUCKED INTO THE DARKNESS
Sucked into the darkness,
Plunged into the abyss
Life pronounced extinct
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Yet in the darkness
Stood a figure
With lily-white wings
Smiling in Silence
And led him to the light
To a life eternal
ST SWITHIN AND QUEEN EMMA'S ORDEAL
Before the Norman Conquests
Princess Emma of Normandy
Became Queen Emma of England
Wife to King Æthelred the Unready
And then to Canute the Great of Denmark
She was falsely accused of adultery
But the night before her ordeal by fire
As she slept in Wargrave uneasily
Saint Swithun appeared in a dream
To tell her she would be set free
ST MARTIN OF TOURS
Started out as a Roman soldier
But was baptized as an adult
And then became a monk
It is understood that he was a kind man
Who led a quiet and simple life
The most famous legend of his life,
Was when he was still a soldier,
It is the story about the time
That he cut his cloak in half
To share with a beggar
To protect him during a snowstorm,
Which saved the beggars life
That same night he dreamed that Jesus
Was wearing the half-cloak
Martin heard Jesus say to the angels,
"Here is Martin, the Roman soldier
Who is not baptised; he has clothed me"
THE FEAST OF ST MARTIN OF TOURS
St. Martin's Day,
Or the Feast of St. Martin,
Martinstag, Martinmas
Or Martin le Miséricordieux
The Feast of St Martin of Tours,
Is a time for feasting celebrations
On November the 11th
When the autumn wheat fields
Were sown for the following year
And the annual slaughter
Of well fattened cattle
To produce "Martinmas beef"
And it was also the time
When hiring fairs were held
Where farm unemployed labourer’s
Could find new work
Feast Day November 11th
ST SWITHIN AND THE WINCHESTER EGG WOMAN
An old lady's eggs had been smashed
On the new stone bridge by workmen
Swithin picked the broken eggs up and
They miraculously became whole again
We give our praise without condition
Given freely to the Lord on high
We sing it to the highest heaven
Our hands held reaching to the sky
THE FATHER IS WITH US EVERY MOMENT
The father is with us every moment
Of every hour both day and night
Over every continent and island
He keeps us in His wondrous light
PATRON SAINT OF WINCHESTER CATHEDRAL
Anglo-Saxon St Swithun
Was Bishop of Winchester
From his consecration
Until his death.
A century later
Dunstan and Æthelwold
Adopted him as patron
Of the restored church
Of Winchester
His body was transferred
From almost complete obscurity
To Æthelwold's new basilica
After which his posthumous miracles occurred
The Winchester egg-woman
And Queen Emma's ordeal
Feast Day 15th July
ST SWITHUN'S DAY
If it rains on the Day of St Swithun
It will not stop for forty days
If it is dry on the Day of St Swithun
Then follows fair for forty days
IF THE WEATHER IS FARE
If the weather is fare
On St Swithun’s day
Then for forty days
You should make hay
LOVE OF GOD
Our God above loves us
So we worship and adore him
His love sustains us all
SENT FROM ON HIGH
Sent from on high
So heavenly demure
A soul of purest light
An angel so pure
To take your hand
When it’s time
And comfort you
On you heavenly climb
A HEART OF PERFECT LOVE
A heart of perfect love
Love being the leaven
To help you Ascend
To the highest Heaven
IF ON ST SWITHUN’S DAY
If on St Swithun’s day
It does heartily rain
Go home and for forty days
Don’t come out again
IN HYMNS AND PSALMS REJOICING
In hymns and psalms rejoicing
We praise our Lord on high
Our praise to heaven ascended
And we lift our voices to the sky
VOICES IN PRAYER ARE NEVER SILENT
Voices in prayer are never silent
As we pray to our Lord on high
Our prayers to heaven ascended
And we lift our eyes to the sky
THE SOURCE OF SPECIAL LOVE
God has always been
The source of special love
A perfect loving faith
That fits me like a glove
THERE IS A SIGN OF HOPE
Everything is not
Wrong in the world
There is a sign of hope
God is our inspiration
And our Guiding light
SUCKED INTO THE DARKNESS
Sucked into the darkness,
Plunged into the abyss
Life pronounced extinct
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Yet in the darkness
Stood a figure
With lily-white wings
Smiling in Silence
And led him to the light
To a life eternal
ST SWITHIN AND QUEEN EMMA'S ORDEAL
Before the Norman Conquests
Princess Emma of Normandy
Became Queen Emma of England
Wife to King Æthelred the Unready
And then to Canute the Great of Denmark
She was falsely accused of adultery
But the night before her ordeal by fire
As she slept in Wargrave uneasily
Saint Swithun appeared in a dream
To tell her she would be set free
ST MARTIN OF TOURS
Started out as a Roman soldier
But was baptized as an adult
And then became a monk
It is understood that he was a kind man
Who led a quiet and simple life
The most famous legend of his life,
Was when he was still a soldier,
It is the story about the time
That he cut his cloak in half
To share with a beggar
To protect him during a snowstorm,
Which saved the beggars life
That same night he dreamed that Jesus
Was wearing the half-cloak
Martin heard Jesus say to the angels,
"Here is Martin, the Roman soldier
Who is not baptised; he has clothed me"
THE FEAST OF ST MARTIN OF TOURS
St. Martin's Day,
Or the Feast of St. Martin,
Martinstag, Martinmas
Or Martin le Miséricordieux
The Feast of St Martin of Tours,
Is a time for feasting celebrations
On November the 11th
When the autumn wheat fields
Were sown for the following year
And the annual slaughter
Of well fattened cattle
To produce "Martinmas beef"
And it was also the time
When hiring fairs were held
Where farm unemployed labourer’s
Could find new work
Feast Day November 11th
ST SWITHIN AND THE WINCHESTER EGG WOMAN
An old lady's eggs had been smashed
On the new stone bridge by workmen
Swithin picked the broken eggs up and
They miraculously became whole again
Tales of Love # 20
IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 1
If I had only known
It would be the last time
I'd see you fall asleep
I would have stayed
A little longer and
Lingered at your bedside
Holding your hand
As you slipped
Silently away
To be at peace
AS STREAKS OF GOLD APPEAR IN THE WESTERN SKY
As streaks of gold appear in the western sky
I look into her hypnotic green eyes and sigh
With her in my arms and romance in my heart,
As the sunset glowed, I vowed we’d never part
THE SLIGHTEST TWINKLE
The slightest twinkle
Was evident
In her shining eyes
The hint of a smile
Played about her lips
And her mouth
Went up at the corners
Almost unperceptively
Her whole countenance
Held in that moment
On the brink
And as the words
Left my lips
The status quo
Was swept away
As the delight
Spread across her face
And my question
Was answered
In the affirmative
WHO’S STORY OF LOVE
Who’s story of love
Is written in the stars
Is it the Greeks of old?
Or could it be ours?
HER FATHER DRANK BLACK BITTER COFFEE
Her father drank black bitter coffee
Her mother sipped earl grey tea
As I stood before her parents
I was full of fear and anxiety
It was a very daunting experience
And it was not at all as I planned
I was there for a noble purpose
To ask for their daughters hand
As the object of my attentions
Sat demurely drinking her juice
Her father started choking
And mother turned strangely puce
We left the house hand in hand
Running head long from the pair
They had both forbad consent
But the lovers really didn’t care
So they went to the Savoy Hotel
And ordered chilled Chardonnay
which came in crystal goblets
Carried on a large silver tray
They sat in luxury surroundings
Until the bottle was empty
And their hearts were full of love
And their future was full of plenty
IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 2
If I had only known
It would be the last time
I would see you
Walk out the door
I would have
Called you back
And hugged and kissed
You even more
MY STRAWBERRY BLONDE
My strawberry blonde
Always topped my list
With Alabaster skin,
Apple blossom kissed
Smooth and silken soft
Just as I had wished
But that was long ago
Now she is sadly missed
WE HAVE LIVED OUR LIVES TOGETHER
We have lived our lives together
And we have reached our Novembers
The once burning fires of our lives
Have been reduced to meagre embers
And yet we can still look forward
To us both sharing our Decembers
I MISS YOU ALL THE TIME
I miss you all the time
You were my shining sun
And there is an emptiness
But when all said and done
There’s nothing lonelier
Than dinner for one
THE SUN AND MOON
The sun and moon
Where once in love
But the sun burned hot
With want and desire
While the moon
Was cool and aloof
So they were destined
To be Star-crossed
For all eternity
IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 3
If I had only known
It would be the last time
That I would ever see you
I would have stayed
A moment longer
And lingered at your bedside
As I said goodbye
And told you once again
How much I loved you
MESMERISING CHARMS
Mesmerising charms
Led me to her arms
A loving place
So why should I run?
Love in my heart
I want to share
But I hold back
And I want to run
Fear is the key,
A deep fear in me
Of being hurt
So I want to run
I need the key
To unlock the chains
That bind my heart
So I won’t run
I LOOK BACK FONDLY
I look back fondly
To those early days
When we would sit together
On the winter evenings
Beside the roaring fire
And we would sit and talk
Laughing and chatting
In the orange glow
Late into the evening
Until the embers cooled
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE
The grass is always greener
And the senses were keener
So I committed a misdemeanour
And when away she flew
To her green pastures new
My foolish heart was torn in two
True Nature # 6
THE SUFFOLK PUNCH
The Suffolk Punch
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Punch
Work horse of the land
HEAVEN SENT APRIL SHOWERS
Heaven sent April showers
Will bring the May flowers
And after spring has begun
Soon comes the summer sun
SWEET MEMORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD # 1
Sweet memories of our childhood
Those days of youth were the best
Golden Septembers in the fields
Gathering the bounty of the harvest
AS THE LENGTHENING DAYS WARM UP
As the lengthening days warm up
When the north is on the cusp
The ice begins to speak or sing
Heralding the arrival of spring
SWEET MEMORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD # 2
Sweet memories of our childhood
Sunny days bright and pleasant
Cold crisp Novembers on the heath
Beating the bracken for the Pheasant
ON THE PLANTATION
On the plantation
Nothing can be finer
Than a bevy of Quail
In South Carolina
IN THE AUTUMN
In the Autumn
The shoot is very pleasant
And we end the day
With a bevy of pheasant
UP ON THE MOOR
Up on the Moor
The birds take flight
On the glorious 12th
They leave the hill
With a bevy of Grouse
The trappings of wealth
THE SUN BURSTS THROUGH THE CURTAINS
The sun bursts through the curtains
As dawn brings forth another day
And bids us waken from our rest
With every golden warming ray
THE SUFFOLK HORSE
The Suffolk Horse
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Horse
Work horse of the land
IN SHADES OF RED AND ORANGE
In shades of red and orange
The sky burns with fire
Clouds in sunset are illuminated
Like smoke in a funeral pyre
BEYOND THE SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS
Beyond the snow-capped mountains
A brand new dawn breaks
Night moved onward into light
Across the land and the lakes
THEY CLIMB WITH STRENGTH AND GRACE
They climb with strength and grace
And ramble wide and free
They stand alone as Floribunda
Standard or Hybrid Tea
The glorious English rose
Beautiful flower of history
WHEN WINTERS BITE IS TAMED
When winters bite is tamed
Spring brings forth the shoots
Then summer scents the flowers
And the autumn earns the fruits
LET THE WIND HOWL
Let the wind howl
Let the tempest blow
Bring forth the rain
Bring forth the snow
Then let the frost bite
Let the ice crack
Then we can get
The winter sun back
THE SUFFOLK SORREL
The Suffolk Sorrel
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Sorrel
Work horse of the land
The Suffolk Punch
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Punch
Work horse of the land
HEAVEN SENT APRIL SHOWERS
Heaven sent April showers
Will bring the May flowers
And after spring has begun
Soon comes the summer sun
SWEET MEMORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD # 1
Sweet memories of our childhood
Those days of youth were the best
Golden Septembers in the fields
Gathering the bounty of the harvest
AS THE LENGTHENING DAYS WARM UP
As the lengthening days warm up
When the north is on the cusp
The ice begins to speak or sing
Heralding the arrival of spring
SWEET MEMORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD # 2
Sweet memories of our childhood
Sunny days bright and pleasant
Cold crisp Novembers on the heath
Beating the bracken for the Pheasant
ON THE PLANTATION
On the plantation
Nothing can be finer
Than a bevy of Quail
In South Carolina
IN THE AUTUMN
In the Autumn
The shoot is very pleasant
And we end the day
With a bevy of pheasant
UP ON THE MOOR
Up on the Moor
The birds take flight
On the glorious 12th
They leave the hill
With a bevy of Grouse
The trappings of wealth
THE SUN BURSTS THROUGH THE CURTAINS
The sun bursts through the curtains
As dawn brings forth another day
And bids us waken from our rest
With every golden warming ray
THE SUFFOLK HORSE
The Suffolk Horse
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Horse
Work horse of the land
IN SHADES OF RED AND ORANGE
In shades of red and orange
The sky burns with fire
Clouds in sunset are illuminated
Like smoke in a funeral pyre
BEYOND THE SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS
Beyond the snow-capped mountains
A brand new dawn breaks
Night moved onward into light
Across the land and the lakes
THEY CLIMB WITH STRENGTH AND GRACE
They climb with strength and grace
And ramble wide and free
They stand alone as Floribunda
Standard or Hybrid Tea
The glorious English rose
Beautiful flower of history
WHEN WINTERS BITE IS TAMED
When winters bite is tamed
Spring brings forth the shoots
Then summer scents the flowers
And the autumn earns the fruits
LET THE WIND HOWL
Let the wind howl
Let the tempest blow
Bring forth the rain
Bring forth the snow
Then let the frost bite
Let the ice crack
Then we can get
The winter sun back
THE SUFFOLK SORREL
The Suffolk Sorrel
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Sorrel
Work horse of the land
A Little Bit Of Humour # 97
ARE YOU WEARING WINGS?
Are you wearing wings?
And what are those other things?
A stick? And scales of justice?
Oh crikey are you my Nemesis
ARE YOU WEARING A CROWN?
Are you wearing a crown?
Oh Charles please put it down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You know you will never be King
ARE YOU WEARING THE BOSS’S HAT?
Are you wearing the boss’s hat?
I laugh when you call me that
And based on what I spend on kebabs
Either on my own or with the lads
It all adds up to a fair amount of money
Calling me boss is too true to be funny
ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE FOOTWEAR?
Are you wearing Sensible Footwear?
They are a kind of stout boot
And with your skinny legs
I think you look rather cute
FAST FOOD DRIVE THROUGH’S
Fast food Drive through’s
I’m afraid, are a step too far
And I find them quite expensive
By the time you’ve hired a car
DON’T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS
“Don’t pick up hitchhikers”
I was told “don’t do it ever”
Unless of course it was you
Who actually ran them over
IT WAS DURING A CHESS GAME
It was during a Chess game
That I remember him saying
“Let’s make this more interesting”
So we agreed to stop playing
IT’S NOT REALLY ANY COMFORT
It’s not really any comfort
If someone dies while doing
Something that they loved
When they were doing Heroin
AFTER TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE
After ten years of marriage
I am divorced by choice
Regrettably I have to say
That it wasn’t my choice
HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU HEARD IT SAID?
How often have you heard it said?
“I am taking it one day at a time”
Well no shit Sherlock don’t we all
That is after all the nature of time
THE MAN GOES ON TOP AND THE WOMAN UNDERNEATH
“The man goes on top and the woman underneath”
That was my sex education as my mother said
So as we were very naïve back then, so for the first
Three years of marriage we slept in bunk beds
WHAT IS THE POINT FOR WOMAN
What is the point for woman of a certain age
Wearing a see through negligee
When all the men of her acquaintance aren’t able
To see through it anyway
I’M DATING A SKINNY PAIR OF TWINS
I’m dating a pair of skinny twins
They’re little more than skin and bone
And they are anorexic, it’s rather like
A case of two birds and one stone
Are you wearing wings?
And what are those other things?
A stick? And scales of justice?
Oh crikey are you my Nemesis
ARE YOU WEARING A CROWN?
Are you wearing a crown?
Oh Charles please put it down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You know you will never be King
ARE YOU WEARING THE BOSS’S HAT?
Are you wearing the boss’s hat?
I laugh when you call me that
And based on what I spend on kebabs
Either on my own or with the lads
It all adds up to a fair amount of money
Calling me boss is too true to be funny
ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE FOOTWEAR?
Are you wearing Sensible Footwear?
They are a kind of stout boot
And with your skinny legs
I think you look rather cute
FAST FOOD DRIVE THROUGH’S
Fast food Drive through’s
I’m afraid, are a step too far
And I find them quite expensive
By the time you’ve hired a car
DON’T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS
“Don’t pick up hitchhikers”
I was told “don’t do it ever”
Unless of course it was you
Who actually ran them over
IT WAS DURING A CHESS GAME
It was during a Chess game
That I remember him saying
“Let’s make this more interesting”
So we agreed to stop playing
IT’S NOT REALLY ANY COMFORT
It’s not really any comfort
If someone dies while doing
Something that they loved
When they were doing Heroin
AFTER TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE
After ten years of marriage
I am divorced by choice
Regrettably I have to say
That it wasn’t my choice
HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU HEARD IT SAID?
How often have you heard it said?
“I am taking it one day at a time”
Well no shit Sherlock don’t we all
That is after all the nature of time
THE MAN GOES ON TOP AND THE WOMAN UNDERNEATH
“The man goes on top and the woman underneath”
That was my sex education as my mother said
So as we were very naïve back then, so for the first
Three years of marriage we slept in bunk beds
WHAT IS THE POINT FOR WOMAN
What is the point for woman of a certain age
Wearing a see through negligee
When all the men of her acquaintance aren’t able
To see through it anyway
I’M DATING A SKINNY PAIR OF TWINS
I’m dating a pair of skinny twins
They’re little more than skin and bone
And they are anorexic, it’s rather like
A case of two birds and one stone
A Little Bit Of Humour # 96
ARE YOU WEARING ERMINE?
Are you wearing Ermine?
Oh Charles put the robe down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You will never wear the crown
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 351
One, two, buckle my shoe
Three, four, open the door
Five, six, cocktail sticks
Seven, eight, in a bit of a state
Nine, ten, pissed again
ARE YOU WEARING A TUXEDO?
Are you wearing a tuxedo?
It’s so loud it makes a racket
No James Bond doesn’t wear one
He wears a proper dinner jacket
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 347
Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
Until the day that it came to be
He was investigate by Yew Tee
ARE YOU WEARING CONVERSE?
Are you wearing Converse?
Footwear for casual strolls
You know when I was a boy
They were called plimsolls
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 350
On top of Old Smoky,
All covered with snow
The great sleeping giant
Was ready to blow
ARE YOU WEARING AN ALICE BAND?
Are you wearing an Alice band?
Oh how perfectly droll
For a freaky looking bloke
Do you go down the rabbit hole?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 348
Girls and boys, come out to play
The moon doth shine as bright as day
They drink whatever is plentiful and cheap
And end up legless in the street
ARE YOU WEARING BRAZILIANS?
Are you wearing Brazilians?
It’s very bold of you to mention
Oh they’re some kind of knickers
I clearly wasn’t paying attention
I must admit my mind wandered
When I heard you say Brazilian
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 349
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating of curds and whey;
And if you ever wondered
What a tuffet is
You’ll find them on Ebay
Are you wearing Ermine?
Oh Charles put the robe down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You will never wear the crown
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 351
One, two, buckle my shoe
Three, four, open the door
Five, six, cocktail sticks
Seven, eight, in a bit of a state
Nine, ten, pissed again
ARE YOU WEARING A TUXEDO?
Are you wearing a tuxedo?
It’s so loud it makes a racket
No James Bond doesn’t wear one
He wears a proper dinner jacket
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 347
Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
Until the day that it came to be
He was investigate by Yew Tee
ARE YOU WEARING CONVERSE?
Are you wearing Converse?
Footwear for casual strolls
You know when I was a boy
They were called plimsolls
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 350
On top of Old Smoky,
All covered with snow
The great sleeping giant
Was ready to blow
ARE YOU WEARING AN ALICE BAND?
Are you wearing an Alice band?
Oh how perfectly droll
For a freaky looking bloke
Do you go down the rabbit hole?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 348
Girls and boys, come out to play
The moon doth shine as bright as day
They drink whatever is plentiful and cheap
And end up legless in the street
ARE YOU WEARING BRAZILIANS?
Are you wearing Brazilians?
It’s very bold of you to mention
Oh they’re some kind of knickers
I clearly wasn’t paying attention
I must admit my mind wandered
When I heard you say Brazilian
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 349
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating of curds and whey;
And if you ever wondered
What a tuffet is
You’ll find them on Ebay
A Little Bit Of Humour # 95
ARE YOU WEARING A TANK TOP?
Are you wearing a tank top?
Someone should’ve yelled stop
I know charity shops are thrifty
But it’s was dated in nineteen fifty
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 344
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
And the trains were delayed for hours
ARE YOU WEARING GOGGLES?
Are you wearing goggles?
Well the mind simply boggles
I’m sorry about the giggles
But you do look like Biggles
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 336
There was a farmer,
Had a dog,
And Bingo was his name-o
A foolish name for a dog
But he loves it a Lotto
ARE YOU WEARING A TIN HAT?
Are you wearing a tin hat?
What kind of headgear is that?
Are you wearing it because, because
You’re off to see the Wizard of Oz
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 345
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
But what I really want to know is how
He got up there in the first place
ARE YOU WEARING EXTENSIONS?
Are you wearing extensions?
Well I hesitate to mention
The extensions to your hair
Don’t really attach down there
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 352
Three wise men of Gotham
This is something of a choker
When it turns out that they are
Penguin, Riddler and the joker
ARE YOU WEARING A TUX?
Are you wearing a tux?
Urgh that thing really sucks
It’s starting to disconcert
It’s a Tux printed on a t-shirt
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 346
As I was going by Charing Cross
The station was closed of course
And a sign said outside of the station
A replacement bus service is in operation
Are you wearing a tank top?
Someone should’ve yelled stop
I know charity shops are thrifty
But it’s was dated in nineteen fifty
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 344
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
And the trains were delayed for hours
ARE YOU WEARING GOGGLES?
Are you wearing goggles?
Well the mind simply boggles
I’m sorry about the giggles
But you do look like Biggles
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 336
There was a farmer,
Had a dog,
And Bingo was his name-o
A foolish name for a dog
But he loves it a Lotto
ARE YOU WEARING A TIN HAT?
Are you wearing a tin hat?
What kind of headgear is that?
Are you wearing it because, because
You’re off to see the Wizard of Oz
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 345
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
But what I really want to know is how
He got up there in the first place
ARE YOU WEARING EXTENSIONS?
Are you wearing extensions?
Well I hesitate to mention
The extensions to your hair
Don’t really attach down there
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 352
Three wise men of Gotham
This is something of a choker
When it turns out that they are
Penguin, Riddler and the joker
ARE YOU WEARING A TUX?
Are you wearing a tux?
Urgh that thing really sucks
It’s starting to disconcert
It’s a Tux printed on a t-shirt
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 346
As I was going by Charing Cross
The station was closed of course
And a sign said outside of the station
A replacement bus service is in operation
A Little Bit Of Humour # 94
ARE YOU WEARING NOVELTY GLASSES?
Are you wearing novelty glasses?
Did you buy them as a kind of remedy?
Well if nothing else they should
Improve your observational comedy
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 342
Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester,
Because he liked a rhyme
IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for the viewer
Which would automatically erase anything
You may have recorded in error
SNAGS IS AN ACRONYM
SNAGS is an acronym
For “Sensitive New Age Guy’s”
But don’t all men come with snags?
Just like turds come with flies
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM SHORTS?
Are you wearing denim shorts?
They are cheeky by all reports
The Denim certainly comes up short
You must get some bawdy retorts
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 338
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
I can’t get rid of the bloody stuff
ARE YOU WEARING A COCKTAIL DRESS?
Are you wearing a cocktail dress?
And drinking cocktails at the same time
You do know that wearing one without
Drinking the other isn’t actually a crime
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 343
Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
I don’t care if they’re
One a penny,
Its only January
ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?
Are you wearing snowshoes?
Blimey those things cost a packet
Hang on after closer inspection
Your snowshoe is a tennis racket
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 337
As I was going to St. Ives,
The car broke down
On the A30 at Redruth
Then I met a man with seven wives,
Which put all my problems
Into perspective
Are you wearing novelty glasses?
Did you buy them as a kind of remedy?
Well if nothing else they should
Improve your observational comedy
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 342
Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester,
Because he liked a rhyme
IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for the viewer
Which would automatically erase anything
You may have recorded in error
SNAGS IS AN ACRONYM
SNAGS is an acronym
For “Sensitive New Age Guy’s”
But don’t all men come with snags?
Just like turds come with flies
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM SHORTS?
Are you wearing denim shorts?
They are cheeky by all reports
The Denim certainly comes up short
You must get some bawdy retorts
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 338
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
I can’t get rid of the bloody stuff
ARE YOU WEARING A COCKTAIL DRESS?
Are you wearing a cocktail dress?
And drinking cocktails at the same time
You do know that wearing one without
Drinking the other isn’t actually a crime
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 343
Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
I don’t care if they’re
One a penny,
Its only January
ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?
Are you wearing snowshoes?
Blimey those things cost a packet
Hang on after closer inspection
Your snowshoe is a tennis racket
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 337
As I was going to St. Ives,
The car broke down
On the A30 at Redruth
Then I met a man with seven wives,
Which put all my problems
Into perspective
A Little Bit Of Humour # 93
I AM WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?
I am wearing a contented expression?
And all that is necessarily attached
I’m a man and at the end of the day
And if it itches, it will be scratched
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 340
Eeper Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Had a skinny wife but couldn’t keep her.
That’s because
He didn't love her,
And up the chimney he did shove her
ARE YOU WEARING A FISH’S TAIL?
Are you wearing a fish’s tail?
And is it actually swishy?
I guess you must be a mermaid
You’re a very dishy little Fishy
SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION
Since I retired I have resisted the temptation
To tidy the cellar, the garage or the attic
Because the moment I accomplished the task
My grown up kids would fill them with their shit
MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET
My wife has put me on a very strict diet
And eating before bed has been discouraged
But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks
Then why is there a light on in the fridge
THE VET SAID
The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,
But it’s your choice
To continue to keep talking to the creature
In that stupid gooey voice”
IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY
If your daughter wants a birthday party
At home, make it Cinderella themed
That way you can be the wicked queen
And the guests can keep the house clean
MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON
My sister has a tanning salon
It is hers and her husband John’s
And at the national tanning awards
Their establishment won bronze
MY BROTHER IS SUCH A PESSIMIST
My brother is such a pessimist
It has been his great tormentor
He’s so pessimistic that if there
Was a contest he wouldn’t enter
THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF
The devil landed on the church roof
The vicar said “Show him your cross”
So the curate went outside and shouted
“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM JEANS?
Are you wearing denim jeans?
Popular they have always been
But on the older man they’re not
As fashionable as they might seem
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 339
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe,
If he hollers, don’t let him go,
And if you do run like hell
I am wearing a contented expression?
And all that is necessarily attached
I’m a man and at the end of the day
And if it itches, it will be scratched
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 340
Eeper Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Had a skinny wife but couldn’t keep her.
That’s because
He didn't love her,
And up the chimney he did shove her
ARE YOU WEARING A FISH’S TAIL?
Are you wearing a fish’s tail?
And is it actually swishy?
I guess you must be a mermaid
You’re a very dishy little Fishy
SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION
Since I retired I have resisted the temptation
To tidy the cellar, the garage or the attic
Because the moment I accomplished the task
My grown up kids would fill them with their shit
MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET
My wife has put me on a very strict diet
And eating before bed has been discouraged
But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks
Then why is there a light on in the fridge
THE VET SAID
The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,
But it’s your choice
To continue to keep talking to the creature
In that stupid gooey voice”
IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY
If your daughter wants a birthday party
At home, make it Cinderella themed
That way you can be the wicked queen
And the guests can keep the house clean
MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON
My sister has a tanning salon
It is hers and her husband John’s
And at the national tanning awards
Their establishment won bronze
MY BROTHER IS SUCH A PESSIMIST
My brother is such a pessimist
It has been his great tormentor
He’s so pessimistic that if there
Was a contest he wouldn’t enter
THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF
The devil landed on the church roof
The vicar said “Show him your cross”
So the curate went outside and shouted
“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM JEANS?
Are you wearing denim jeans?
Popular they have always been
But on the older man they’re not
As fashionable as they might seem
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 339
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe,
If he hollers, don’t let him go,
And if you do run like hell
All This And World War Too
PUT DOWN YOUR PEN
Put down your pen, write no more
Names on the honour roll
The count id done, praise God
Listen well as the peace bells toll
At last the bloodshed is at an end
Let’s lose no more friends or foes
HUMPH
On Victory in Europe Day
On the eighth of May 1945
Amidst the happy throng
Outside Buck House
He was joyfully playing
“Roll out the Barrel”
On his trumpet
Whilst being perambulated
In a wheelbarrow
And that was how
Lt Humphrey Lyttelton
Inadvertently gave his
First ever performance
On the BBC
Which survives to this day
On the BBC news reels
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - ODETTE SANSOM HALLOWES GC, MBE
She was French born
But served as an agent for the SOE
In April 1943 “Lise”
Was betrayed to the Germans
Along with her future husband
Peter Churchill
And The SD interrogated them at
84 Avenue Foch, their HQ in Paris
Though tortured with red hot pokers
They kept to their cover story
That he was both her husband
And Winston Churchill’s nephew
Which seemed to do the trick
With confirmation from London
But she was condemned to death in June 1943
But was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
The Churchill’s nephew story stuck
And when the allies got close
The Camp commandant Fritz Suhren
Drove Sansom to the allied lines
To surrender to the Americans
Hoping to save his own neck
Which didn’t work
Odette testified in 1946
At the Hamburg Ravensbrück Trials
And he was hanged in 1950
Odette was subsequently awarded
A British George Cross, an MBE and
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
THANK GOD FOR LITTLE BELGIUM
Thank God for little Belgium
Bravely holding off the Hun
Mounting a strong defence
So no easy victory was won
Gaining time for their allies
And maddening the Hun
A high price had to be paid
By Belgian mother and son
It was called the rape of Belgium
When the fighting was done
LT HUMPHREY LYTTELTON OF THE BRIGADE OF GUARDS
When he landed on the beach at Salerno
The unsuspecting enemy were met
By a signals officer, with a pistol
In one hand and in the other his trumpet
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - NOOR INAYAT KHAN GC
She was Russian born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In October 1943 “Madelaine”
Was betrayed to the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at
84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
Though she had the face of an angel
She fought her captors so fiercely
They were scared of her,
And treated her as extremely dangerous
After many escape attempts
She was transferred to Germany
After almost a year in captivity
She was taken to Dachau
Along with three other agents
And in the early morning hours
Of 13th September 1944,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
As far as the British were concerned
She was only missing
And she was mentioned in despatches
It wasn’t until 1949
When she was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with Silver Star.
OLD SOLDIERS WEARIED WITH AGE
Old soldiers wearied with age
Marching with faltering stride
Carry themselves with dignity
And wear the uniform with pride
AFTER WAR WAS DECLARED
The bombing began
Cities were struck
With vengeance
Night after night
Shattering explosions of death
Shaking the ground
Delivering deadly destruction
Buildings fell to the ground.
Stones and bricks
Turned to shrapnel
As architecture was rent asunder
Death meted out indiscriminately
On the innocents
The mighty Luftwaffe
Had declared war on civilians
Theatres and churches
Schools and homes
Pubs and shops
All fell victim
Little was spared
In those terrible raids
Many British Cities
Still bear the scars
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - DENISE MADELEINE BLOCH
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 “Ambroise”
She was captured by the Germans
After lengthy interrogation
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A Kings Commendation for Brave Conduct
And a French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
And the Médaille de la Résistance
DESPERATE YEARS WHEN DAYS WERE DARK
Desperate years when days were dark
Some darker when sirens were sounding
When the scared fled to their shelters
While their Cities took a pounding
THE WHISTLES BLEW
The whistles blew
And over the top
Went the company
Moving as one
Through the smoke
And strewn before us
Broken and bloody
In the Flanders mud
Lay the fallen,
Comrades all
Lifeless and cold
But on we walked
Each of us knowing
We might join them soon
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - LILIAN VERA ROLFE MBE
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In July 1944 “Nadine”
She was captured by the Germans
And transported to Fresnes Prison in Paris,
Where she was interrogated repeatedly
And brutally tortured until August
She was then transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A French Croix de Guerre with palm, an MBE
And was mentioned her in despatches
ON THE HOME-FRONT
On the home-front
Brave men and women
Gave their all
Granddad was a special
Mum was a WRAC
Her sister was on the land
Great Uncle Bill
Was in the home guard
Uncle Fred was in the ARP
Not everyone did their bit
But the majority rolled up their sleeves
Some did more than others
But everyone was under fire
BLOOD SWEPT LANDS
What a stunning and fitting tribute
Well met at the Bloody Tower
A Poppy Sea, marking the toll
Levied at the eleventh hour
Ceramic Poppies, flower and stem
Placed so we will remember them
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - VIOLETTE REINE ELIZABETH SZABO, GC
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 while on a mission
She was captured by the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at Limoges
Then transferred her to 84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
But with the Allies closing in
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And In the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
And the Médaille de la Résistance
HAVING WON THE WAR
Having won the war we struggled in peace
We lived those post war days austerely
But truly believed it was for the best
Despite feeling the rationing severely
But out children charged on into the sixties
And lived the decade too cavalierly
Put down your pen, write no more
Names on the honour roll
The count id done, praise God
Listen well as the peace bells toll
At last the bloodshed is at an end
Let’s lose no more friends or foes
HUMPH
On Victory in Europe Day
On the eighth of May 1945
Amidst the happy throng
Outside Buck House
He was joyfully playing
“Roll out the Barrel”
On his trumpet
Whilst being perambulated
In a wheelbarrow
And that was how
Lt Humphrey Lyttelton
Inadvertently gave his
First ever performance
On the BBC
Which survives to this day
On the BBC news reels
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - ODETTE SANSOM HALLOWES GC, MBE
She was French born
But served as an agent for the SOE
In April 1943 “Lise”
Was betrayed to the Germans
Along with her future husband
Peter Churchill
And The SD interrogated them at
84 Avenue Foch, their HQ in Paris
Though tortured with red hot pokers
They kept to their cover story
That he was both her husband
And Winston Churchill’s nephew
Which seemed to do the trick
With confirmation from London
But she was condemned to death in June 1943
But was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
The Churchill’s nephew story stuck
And when the allies got close
The Camp commandant Fritz Suhren
Drove Sansom to the allied lines
To surrender to the Americans
Hoping to save his own neck
Which didn’t work
Odette testified in 1946
At the Hamburg Ravensbrück Trials
And he was hanged in 1950
Odette was subsequently awarded
A British George Cross, an MBE and
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
THANK GOD FOR LITTLE BELGIUM
Thank God for little Belgium
Bravely holding off the Hun
Mounting a strong defence
So no easy victory was won
Gaining time for their allies
And maddening the Hun
A high price had to be paid
By Belgian mother and son
It was called the rape of Belgium
When the fighting was done
LT HUMPHREY LYTTELTON OF THE BRIGADE OF GUARDS
When he landed on the beach at Salerno
The unsuspecting enemy were met
By a signals officer, with a pistol
In one hand and in the other his trumpet
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - NOOR INAYAT KHAN GC
She was Russian born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In October 1943 “Madelaine”
Was betrayed to the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at
84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
Though she had the face of an angel
She fought her captors so fiercely
They were scared of her,
And treated her as extremely dangerous
After many escape attempts
She was transferred to Germany
After almost a year in captivity
She was taken to Dachau
Along with three other agents
And in the early morning hours
Of 13th September 1944,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
As far as the British were concerned
She was only missing
And she was mentioned in despatches
It wasn’t until 1949
When she was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with Silver Star.
OLD SOLDIERS WEARIED WITH AGE
Old soldiers wearied with age
Marching with faltering stride
Carry themselves with dignity
And wear the uniform with pride
AFTER WAR WAS DECLARED
The bombing began
Cities were struck
With vengeance
Night after night
Shattering explosions of death
Shaking the ground
Delivering deadly destruction
Buildings fell to the ground.
Stones and bricks
Turned to shrapnel
As architecture was rent asunder
Death meted out indiscriminately
On the innocents
The mighty Luftwaffe
Had declared war on civilians
Theatres and churches
Schools and homes
Pubs and shops
All fell victim
Little was spared
In those terrible raids
Many British Cities
Still bear the scars
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - DENISE MADELEINE BLOCH
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 “Ambroise”
She was captured by the Germans
After lengthy interrogation
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A Kings Commendation for Brave Conduct
And a French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
And the Médaille de la Résistance
DESPERATE YEARS WHEN DAYS WERE DARK
Desperate years when days were dark
Some darker when sirens were sounding
When the scared fled to their shelters
While their Cities took a pounding
THE WHISTLES BLEW
The whistles blew
And over the top
Went the company
Moving as one
Through the smoke
And strewn before us
Broken and bloody
In the Flanders mud
Lay the fallen,
Comrades all
Lifeless and cold
But on we walked
Each of us knowing
We might join them soon
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - LILIAN VERA ROLFE MBE
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In July 1944 “Nadine”
She was captured by the Germans
And transported to Fresnes Prison in Paris,
Where she was interrogated repeatedly
And brutally tortured until August
She was then transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A French Croix de Guerre with palm, an MBE
And was mentioned her in despatches
ON THE HOME-FRONT
On the home-front
Brave men and women
Gave their all
Granddad was a special
Mum was a WRAC
Her sister was on the land
Great Uncle Bill
Was in the home guard
Uncle Fred was in the ARP
Not everyone did their bit
But the majority rolled up their sleeves
Some did more than others
But everyone was under fire
BLOOD SWEPT LANDS
What a stunning and fitting tribute
Well met at the Bloody Tower
A Poppy Sea, marking the toll
Levied at the eleventh hour
Ceramic Poppies, flower and stem
Placed so we will remember them
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - VIOLETTE REINE ELIZABETH SZABO, GC
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 while on a mission
She was captured by the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at Limoges
Then transferred her to 84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
But with the Allies closing in
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And In the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
And the Médaille de la Résistance
HAVING WON THE WAR
Having won the war we struggled in peace
We lived those post war days austerely
But truly believed it was for the best
Despite feeling the rationing severely
But out children charged on into the sixties
And lived the decade too cavalierly
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