ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVES

 

Anyone who actually believes

That cheats never prosper

Have never seen defenders

Preparing to defend a corner

GREAT BRITAIN WERE INVITED

 

Great Britain were invited

To the Belgium town of Mons

For the sun tanning Olympics

And the whole team got Bronze

DID YOU KNOW THE REASON WHY

 

Did you know the reason why

Unattached women go to Wimbledon

It’s because they were told

There was a men's singles event on

BEING AN ENGLAND SUPPORTER

 

Being an England supporter

At a World Cup or Euro’s melee

Is likened to over-optimistic parents

Of the fat kid on sports day

THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOME DOUBT

 

There may have been some doubt

As to his allegiance to the club

Denoted by replica shirt and shorts

But no such doubt existed in regard

To the authenticity of his jock strap

As we all know what they supports.

THE TRANSFER WINDOW IS OPEN

 

The transfer window is open

Which is very exciting for fans like me

Especially when I’ve just heard

Foghorn Leghorn has signed for KFC

FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY

 

Float like a Butterfly

Sting like a Bee

Float like Buffalo,

Get punched in the face

THE FIRST TIME I TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND HOME

 

The first time I took my girlfriend home

So that my mum could meet her

She wore a big green shirt and huge gloves

And my mum said she was a keeper

LOCAL INQUIRY

 

I rang up my local swimming baths

Asking 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

The reply he received was quite rum

'It depends where you're calling from.'

IT HAPPENED AT THE LIDO – UNSUITABLE VIEWING FOR A BOY

When I was growing up in the sixties we lived in North London and one of the things I really loved to do was to go swimming.

We were quite well fixed for pools in the area, and I would swim until the chlorinated water left my eyes red and sore.

But of all the pools I swam in, the one I loved to swim in most of all was the Durnsford Road Lido especially during the summer months.

It was only sixpence to get in and for that poultry sum you could stay all day long which of course I did, and I would spend as many days of the holidays there as I could.

Playing with friends and watching Mad Jack stunt diving off the high platform.

When I first started to go there it was just a joy to spend all the time in the sparkling water.

As I got older, I would come to appreciate the many delicacies on which to feast the eyes upon, delicacy’s invisible to an eleven-year-old boy’s eye.

 

On one particular visit after I’d got the maximum value from my sixpence and enjoyed a full day in the pool.

I was getting changed I caught sight of something quite disturbing as an old man stepped out of the shower.

Though when I say he was an old man I should point out that from the perspective of an eleven-year-old everyone over twenty was old.

But just as he passed me, he lowered his towel, though not in a pervy way, and he revealed the biggest scrotum I had ever seen, not that I had seen a lot of scrota and those I had seen belonged to my peer group so were somewhat pink and hairless.

But not only was this old man’s scrotum huge it was also purple, in fact it looked like a large purple boxing glove.

I was taken aback by the extraordinary spectacle but with my limited knowledge of old men’s genitalia I was left to conclude that I was destined to acquire a large purple ball bag of my own.

And as I stood there holding my speedos in front of my shrivelled specimen, I thought

“If I’m going to get one like that, then I’m definitely going to need bigger trunks”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 290

Robin and Richard were two pretty men,

They laid in bed till the clock struck ten;

Then up starts Robin and looks at the sky:

"Oh, sod it Richard, the sun's very high!

Stop sniggering and pull on your knickers

Because we’re late for training at Twickers” 

POINT’S OF VIEW

 

I have found as I have travelled life’s highway that in the end everything comes down to perspective.

For example, if you are inside a car your perspective would be that the car was an efficient and economic means of getting from a to b.

However, if you were a pedestrian walking and urban pavement you would view them as dirty, noisy and smelly polluters of the planet.

That’s perspective.

I have found as I have travelled life’s highway that in the end everything comes down to perspective.

For example, if you are inside a car your perspective would be that the car was an efficient and economic means of getting from a to b.

However, if you were a pedestrian walking and urban pavement you would view them as dirty, noisy and smelly polluters of the planet.

That’s perspective.

Another fine example was Diana (Princess, lady etc) she was viewed in almost equal measure as one of three things.

Firstly, as a demure heroine of the people, secondly as a scheming, manipulative self-publicist or thirdly as a vacuous clotheshorse.

 

Note that this can be applied to every conceivable area of debate whether it is Homosexuality, Religion and politics or eating habits the list is endless.

 

If another case in point is necessary perspective is regularly demonstrated in any televised football match.

When a disputed incident occurs, a goal, a penalty, or a bad tackle, it is examined by the panel of experts and it is viewed from various angles.

Some show it is, some show it’s not and some are inconclusive, but you are able to make a balanced judgement because you have seen it from all the different angles or perspectives or to put it another way you have viewed it through other people’s eyes.

Unfortunately, in normal everyday events we are unable or more likely unwilling to see an issue through another’s eyes.

Is it any wonder that we are so good at war?

NOBBY AND THE JIG OF JOY

 

The first time I became aware of Nobby Stiles I was a young boy of ten and it was the world cup finals of 1966.

It would probably seem odd to many football fans that out of all the talent on show in England that summer, players like Pele, Beckenbauer or Eusabio, I was most impressed by the diminutive Manchester man, Nobby.

I have often wondered myself and I think that the great players had been much heralded in the lead up to the finals and they merely did what was expected of them but Nobby I had not heard of before he was different.

 

He tackled hard and was a tough no nonsense player who could read the game so well being blessed with great tactical awareness but my most enduring image’s of him was the toothless grin and his jig of joy after England won the world cup.

It was that victory dance showing his excitement and obvious love for the game.

It was seeing Nobby play that led me to support United as I still do today.

 

Norbert Peter Stiles was born in Collyhurst Manchester 18^th may 1942 and he stood at the Stretford End like many a young lad and dreamt of playing for United but for him it came true.

For eleven years he played his Club football for Manchester United making his debut for them away at Bolton on 1^st of October 1960.

Apart from winning the world cup with England in 1966 he won two League Championship medals with United and as In the 1966 World Cup Semi-Final against Portugal it was his job to stop Eusebio “the Black Panther” when united met Benfica in the 1968 European Cup Final which he did and added a European Cup winner's medal to his collection.

 

Nobby Stiles was and still is Man United through and through he returned to United in the 80’s as youth team coach were he brought on the likes of Giggs, Beckham and the Neville’s.

 

In 2000 his contribution to the game was finally recognized when he received an O.B.E. along with his other previously unrecognized England teammates from 1966.

 

Not before time.

A Little Bit Of Humour # 163

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (9)

Dad said “I’m going to Thailand
To an island called Phuket”
I replied to him "That will be nice,
But you don’t say it like that”

PANAMA HATS

Regarding which country makes
Panama hats, I was seriously misled
It turns out they’re not Panamanian
And are made in Ecuador instead

FIRST GRADE CADDY

His five-year-old nephew wanted
To caddy for him on his Golf round
“You have to count my strokes,
So, your counting has to be sound”
The Uncle explained, then asked
“How much is six, plus nine?”
“Five,” answered the nephew.
The Uncle said, “Ok that’s fine”

BE MY VALENTINE # 2

On Valentine’s Day
The chocolate syrup said to the ice cream
“I'm sweet on you!”
While the pencil said to the paper
“I dot my i's on you!”
And the light bulb asked his girlfriend
Do I mean a whole watt to you?”

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN JEWISH?

Could Jesus have been Jewish?
It is the most likely eventuality
As He Did go into His Father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin
And she was sure He was God, so maybe

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 2

The old saying goes that “A volunteer
Is worth Ten pressed men”
Well volunteers are all well and good
But a pressed man are really good
At getting through narrow gaps

MARITAL HONESTY

“It's just too hot to wear clothes today so I
Think I’ll cut the lawn naked, honey?”
She replied “Ok, if you don’t mind the neighbours
Thinking I married you for your money”

ROSES ARE FLOWERS

Roses are flowers
Violets are flowers
You’re allergic to flowers
Ooops my bad

NICKNAMED SNOW PLOUGH

When my brother was a young man
He had a well earned nickname
They called him the “snow plough”
Because of his appetite for cocaine

PEACHES SAID TO BIMBETTE

Peaches said to Bimbette
“I’ve slept with a Brazilian”
“OMG Peachy” she retorted
“How many is a Brazilian?”

MY WIFE IS A BAKER OF BREAD

My wife is a Baker of bread
And rolls both plain and seedy
She is a very difficult woman
And I find her to be very kneady

TEMPLE WALLS ARE STRAIGHT AND TALL

Temple walls are straight and tall
But my body is not like a temple at all
I have curves and am short in stature
I'm more like a disused rollercoaster

Oh Serena

OWN IT SERENA

It wasn’t sexist, and it wasn’t unfair
Nor was it racist Serena, let’s be fair
The truth is you threw a huge tantrum
Because you knew your day was done

MASSIVE OVEREACTION

Portraying Serena as an angry black woman
In the Herald Sun wasn’t racist in anyway
As she was Angry, and she is a black woman
And it was a caricature at the end of the day

A CARICATURE OF A RESPONSE

To exaggerate characteristics
For humorous effect is how
A Caricature is intended
It’s ironic the reaction to it
By Rowling and the like
Has also been exaggerated

A Little Bit Of Humour # 161

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 395

Saturday's child
Works hard for its living,
(So clearly not a benefit scrounger)

ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 2

Are you wearing red?
To signify the party you’re in
Well done, congratulations
You made a decision Mr Corbyn

THE MOST DEPRESSING THING ABOUT TENNIS

The most depressing thing about Tennis
Is that no matter how well I hit the ball
And how much time I spend practising,
I'm never going to be as good as the wall

MY WIFE AND I ALWAYS COMPROMISE

My wife and I always compromise
That’s the secret to being happy
Our compromise is, that I admit
I'm wrong and she agrees with me

ONE DAY A COMPUTER

One day a computer
Actually beat me at chess,
I didn’t take it well,
I was a total mess
So we had a rematch
To go tit for tat
But he was no match for me
With a baseball bat

TIMES ARE BAD AND GETTING WORSE

Times are bad and getting worse
And I’m shocked at the severity
As the light at the end of the tunnel
Has been turned off due to austerity

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Everything happens for a reason,
Is the generally accepted view
Unfortunately you must admit
That sometimes the reason is you

BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THEIR MALES

Black Widow spiders kill their males
After mating, before the afterglow starts
And the reason for that is quite simple
It’s to stop the snoring before it starts

EYES BIGGER THAN MY BELLY

Eyes bigger than my belly
Especially for cake and jelly
My appetite no one could stifle
After I got an eye full of trifle

I HAD A “GRUMPY OLD MAN” MUG

I had a “grumpy old man” mug
And my grandchildren got it
But I turned into a “Grumpy old man”
When I accidentally smashed it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 396

The child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay
(my wife is Sundays child, so I would have to dissagree)

ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?

Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia

ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?

Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead

A Little Bit Of Humour # 160

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 394

Friday's child
Is loving and giving,
(Especially on a Friday night when they’re pissed)

ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 2

Are you wearing a Pink?
Oh I understand that wink
My pretty little Barbie girl
As you give me a twirl
What you’re intimating I think
Is that everything is pink
And it’s an image to bewitch
When you hint at every stitch

THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 2

The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, for me
On a hot summers day
Is a perfect cup of tea

I NEED YOU TO DELETE ME FROM YOUR ADDRESS BOOK

“I need you to delete me from your address book”
My ex-girlfriend emailed me to express
I pondered for some time before I replied
“Who is this? And how did you get this address?”

MY SISTER IS A SOPHISTICATE

My sister is a sophisticate
And has travelled far away
She’s been to a Taj Mahal
That isn’t an Indian takeaway

I LOVE FRIDAY, IT’S A SPECIAL DAY

I love Friday, it’s a special day
But nothing ruins that Friday feeling
Quite as much as the realisation
That it’s still actually Thursday

MONEY TALKS IS THE SAYING

“Money talks” is the saying
I’m not quite sure why
If my money could talk
It would only ever say good-bye

THE OLD SAYING GOES

The old saying goes
“If you can't beat them, join them”
But a rethink is called for,
“If you can't beat them”,
Rather than joining them
You should “beat them”,
Because they will be expecting
You to “join them”,
As a result you will take them
Completely by surprise

WOMEN MIGHT BE ABLE TO FAKE ORGASMS

Women might be able to fake orgasms
It’s due to how Mother Nature equip
Although men aren’t born with that ability
But they can fake a whole relationship

MY SISTER SAYS THEY ARE BOTHERED BY A RACCOON

My sister says they are bothered by a Raccoon
Who boldly take things off their veranda
It’s very brazen, and is one of nature’s scroungers
Although she calls it their garbage Panda

I FLEW ON AN INFAMOUS BUDGET AIRLINE

I flew on an infamous budget airline
Who charged for every single item
Except for the bad service, that was free,
Which was very generous of them

GOD BLESSED US WITH THE BRAIN

God blessed us with the brain
To solve very complex problems
However human nature means
Using it creates more problems

I DISCOVERED WHEN WE WERE ON HOLIDAY

I discovered when we were on holiday
That my girlfriend screams the same way
Whether a shark might render her caput
Or a piece of dead seaweed touches her foot

MY GRANDMA TOLD ME HER JOINTS TROUBLE HER

My grandma told me her joints trouble her
And elaborated, saying they are getting weaker
I said I had a way to make her life brighter
If she was just to roll her spliffs a bit tighter

WHEN I TAKE THE TIME TO PONDER MY SITUATION

When I take the time to ponder my situation
I consider myself to lead a very lucky life,
Because the fine cognac that I drink is older
Than the woman I’m happy to call my wife

A Little Bit Of Humour # 159

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 393

Thursday's child
Has far to go,
(Well I hope they’re not travelling on Southern Rail)

ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 1

Are you wearing a Pink?
And are dressed as a ballet dancer
Well, all credit to you man
Standing up to breast Cancer

I ALWAYS FIGURED THAT MICHAEL’S FAMILY TREE

I always figured that Michael’s family tree
Must have been from the cactus family
Because I’ve met the relatives of Mick
And everyone on his family tree is a prick

MONEY IS NOT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS

“Money is not the key to happiness”
That’s what they always say, but
Of course if you have enough money,
You can have your own key cut

I JUST HEARD THAT THE SEXY GIRL

I just heard that the sexy girl
From Goldfinger, Pussy Galore
Changed her name for the film
She was Fanny Aplenty before

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS BEING EXPLORED

Artificial Intelligence is being explored
By science, despite its inadvisability
But then education and inquisitiveness
Are no defence against natural stupidity

AMIDST THE TERRIBLE TRAGEDY SADIQ

Amidst the terrible tragedy
Sadiq smiled, to his eternal shame
But the reason for that was
That he had found someone to blame

APRIL SHOWERS BRING

April showers bring
May flowers it seems
But then May flowers
Only bring Pilgrims

THE WI-FI STOPPED WORKING

The Wi-Fi stopped working
As the family ate their stew
And a teenager began talking
The father said “Who are you?”

IF HELEN WAS THE FACE

If Helen was the face
That launched a thousand ships
Then Paris was the dick
Who caused Troy’s apocalypse

I THINK IT’S PROBABLY A MYTH

I think it’s probably a myth
Regarding multitasking women
Like the Loch Ness Monster or
Shy retiring used car salesmen

THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 1

The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, without fail
On a hot summers day
Is a cool glass of ginger ale

WHILE EAVES DROPPING IN THE VESTRY

While eaves dropping in the vestry
I heard mention of a blasphemy palaver
Or so I thought, but it turned out
That the vicar said raspberry pavlova

I AM NOT A HOUSE PROUD MAN

I am not a house proud man
By any means or measure
I find it too much of a chore
I am more a man of leisure
So for me a clean flat is
The sign of a broken computer

I USED TO BE INDECISIVE

I used to be indecisive
At least I thought so
But I am now quite sure
That I don’t actually know

I MET MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW AT THE WEEKEND

I met my prospective father in law at the weekend
And he seemed quite normal when I saw him
So I was quite pleased until my girlfriend said
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 158

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 392

Wednesday's child
Is full of woe,
(And that’s what you get for
drinking on a school night)

ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERBOCKERS?

Are you wearing Knickerbockers?
Well listen, I don’t mean to flummox
But it looks like the Knickerbockers
Have fallen out with your socks

MY SON TOLD ME HE PLAYED IN A BAND

My son told me he played in a band
And I’m afraid I did have to mock
Because they are called the Pilgrims
So I asked if they played Plymouth Rock

I LOVE MY PETER PAN JOKE

I love my Peter Pan joke
It’s the funniest I’ve told
And I tell it over and over
And it never gets old

PETER PAN GOT HIS NAME

Peter Pan got his name
Not by design or plan
It was after he got hit
In the peter with a pan

I HAD TO BUY TROUSER SHORTS

I had to buy trouser shorts
Which were easy to find
The ones with Velcro on
The detectable leg kind
Expensive though, so the term
“Rip off” comes to mind

THERE ARE THREE THINGS FOR WHICH

There are three things for which
Witnesses are required for
Criminal acts, accidents and
Marriages, so need I say more?

I NEED TO START PAYING CLOSER ATTENTION

I need to start paying closer attention
To things, every detail of this and that
Because I found out today that my wife
And I, have different names for our cat

WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING I LOVE

Why is it that everything I love
Is either unhealthy, addictive
Or has taken out more than one
Restraining order against me

AS A BOY I ASKED GOD FOR A BIKE ONE DAY

As a boy I asked God for a bike one day,
But I knew God didn’t work that way
So I decided to steal a bike and then
I asked God for forgiveness instead

I'M REALLY GOOD AT DOING THINGS

I'm really good at doing things
Practical and skilful things,
Hands on artisan type things
Until I have people watching

I BOUGHT A VACUUM CLEANER SIX MONTHS AGO

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago
And a top of the range model was a must
But I have to say it hasn’t earned its keep as yet
As so far all it's been doing is gathering dust

IMAGINE BEING FIVE MINUTES FROM THE END

Imagine being five minutes from the end
Of the longest movie ever made and then
It starts over because it forgot something
Well that's my wife’s way of story telling

MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE

Marriage is all about compromise
For example my wife wanted a cat
I on the other hand did not want one
So we compromised and got a cat

THE END OF THE WORLD IS NOT A JOKE

The end of the world is not a joke
In fact it’s a source of great sorrow
But people still tell end of the world
Jokes like there is no tomorrow

WHAT MAKES PHILANDERERS CHASE WOMEN

What makes philanderers chase women
They have no intention of marrying?
Clearly the same urge that makes canines
Chase cars they have no intention of driving

A Little Bit Of Humour # 157

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 391

Tuesday's child
Is full of grace,
(Well it’s not that lump of a boy next door then)

ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Knickers?
Sorry I can’t hide my snickers
But beggars can’t be pickers
And I expect better from Vicars

THE EASTER EGG DIDN’T CROSS THE ROAD

The Easter Egg didn’t cross the road
And the reason for that I bet
Is quite simple and can only be
Because he wasn't a chicken yet

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 10

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not peg it
After they stole the theatre takings
They were recognised and had to leg it

THE ROYAL AND ANCIENT AND A SAINT

I know little about St Andrew
Other than a shared name
With a famous Golf course
So he must have liked a game

IT'S NOT THAT I CAN’T JUGGLE

It's not that I can’t juggle,
That’s not the struggle
It’s just that I have to admit
I don’t have the balls for it

I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED

I was asked who I wanted
My emergency contact to be
It took me only seconds to reply
“A good doctor obviously”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 400

Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep
It was doomed from the start
As pumpkin made him fart

NOW I’M NEITHER FOR OR AGAINST BUT

Now I’m neither for or against but
Four million, three hundred and seven
People got married last year,
But shouldn't that number be even?

AS I LEFT THE STORE EMPTY HANDED

As I left the store empty handed
There was an awkward moment
When I said repeatedly to myself
“Just act natural, you're innocent”.

I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP

I want to die peacefully in my sleep,
Like Dad, peacefully without a fuss
And not screaming and yelling
Like the passengers did on his bus

THE TECHNOLOGICAL AGE

The technological age of the
21st century is great, isn't it?
When deleting history has become
More important than making it.

AFTER ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OF LABOUR

After almost fifty years of labour
I have failed to get ahead even a bit
Because I started out with nothing,
And I find that I still have most of it

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT

Two wrongs don't make a right,
I tell my daughter and her brother
And if you need a good example
Just look at me and your mother

TEAM WORK IS IMPORTANT

Team work is important,
In fact its second to none
Because it makes it easier
To put the blame on someone

IT ONLY DAWNS ON YOU QUITE

It only dawns on you, quite
How un-photogenic you are
Until it’s time for a group photo
And they hand you the camera

I'M NOT SAYING THAT I HATE HIM

I'm not saying that I hate him,
But my dislike is well known
And I’d unplug his life support
In order to charge my phone