STUDY BUDDY

 

She was just my study buddy

She wasn’t anything to me

She just agreed to help me out

With physics and chemistry

 

She was just my study buddy

She wasn’t interesting to me

But I’m not sure how it happened

But now were doing biology

KIDDIE FIDDLER

 

Well, they just arrested a paedophile

Who would look at the children and drool

He was in the children’s playground

And was caught playing with his tool

But credit where credit is due

He always drove slowly past the school

SEX EDUCATION 101

Peaches told her mother when she got home

Tommy showed me his willy at school today

The mother in shocked silence heard her continue

“It reminded me of a peanut in a way”

 

The mother relaxed a little with this addition

As it was not the answer for which she was braced

“Is that because it was really, really small”?

Peaches replied, “No because it had a salty taste”

A CALCULATED DECISION

Miss Armitage entered Calculus class

To stand amidst a disorderly eruption

And she immediately confiscated a catapult

Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption

UNDER ACHIEVING

Gillian finished her first week at school

And had a very unhappy look on her face

She said to her mum who was showing concern

“I’m just wasting my time at that place”

Mum asked her “why ever do you think that?”

Then Gillian exploded in an angry squawk

“Well mother I can't read, and I can't write,

And then they won't even let me talk!'

SUNDAY SCHOOL QUERY

 

Joshua was asked at a Sunday school meeting

“Do you say a prayer at home before eating”? 

Joshua was puzzled at the query, truth to tell

“No, we don't have to, my Mum cooks very well”

MY CAT STORY

 

The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework

“I have just read your story entitled “my cat”

And it is almost exactly the same as your brothers

What do you have to say to that”?

“Well, I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said

“It’s just that well, we have the same cat”

IF YOU ASK A STUPID QUESTION

 

Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly

“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster

“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested”? 

Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher”   

LUVVAGE

 

My pencil case is in love

But not with a pencil

But with two schoolbags

It must be bi-satchel.

A TRIP TO THE FARM

 

When our class

Visited the local farm

We had a lovely day

 

And on the bus home

We sang a song

About our lovely day

 

The sheep go baa

The cows go moo

The ducks go quack

Chickens cock a doodle doo

 

The shepherd says hi

The cowman says hello

Get off that fucking tractor

We hear the farmer bellow

MISSING OUT

 

They’ve taken all the fun away

It’s prohibited from the school day

Thanks to the politically correct crusade

And the health and safety brigade

There can be no unacceptable names

Or boisterous competitive games

Now playing in the snow and ice

You must play games safe and nice

The nanny state has declared

That the nation’s children must be spared

But when I was a child, we did alright

And we did survive an occasional fight

But we had more freedom in my view

We could choose what things to do

You didn’t have to climb in trees

Or pick the scabs off wounded knees

You didn’t have to play kiss chase

Or catch a snowball in the face

You didn’t have to make a slide in the snow

If you didn’t want to you could say no

Conkers was not a compulsory game

You didn’t have to call girls names

You could roll in the grass again and again

Or jump in puddles after heavy rain

You didn’t have to skip with girls

Or run with grass seed in your curls

If you didn’t want to there was no need

You could sit alone and quietly and read

But if you chose to you could do it

And after all we were young and fit

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL

 

In class one day a boy named Benny

Needed to go to the toilet suddenly

So, he called out loudly to Miss

“Please I really need to take a piss”

The teacher said “No you must wait”

“The correct word to use is urinate”

If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly

I will allow you to go to the lavatory

And so thought the boy called Benny

Desperate now to spend a penny

“You're an eight miss” says young Ben

“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!”

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – A QUESTION OF SYLLABLES

 

“Ok class, today we will learn

About words with multi syllables”

The teacher addressed her class

“Does anyone have an example?”

One boy put up his hand

“Please miss I have an example”

He wrote on the blackboard “Mas-tur-bate”

Then said “that is my example”

The teacher was a little embarrassed
"Gosh that’s a mouthful."
"No, Miss, you're thinking of a blowjob

And that has fewer syllables”

SAY IT AINT SO

 

“What is the chemical formula for water?”

The science teacher said to young Joe

Joe confidently stood up and replied

H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,

“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted

Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”

FINDING THE NEW WORLD

 

Maria was asked by the teacher

To go to the map and find America

The girl walked to the map and pointed

“Here it is miss, this is America”

“Well done, now class who can tell me

Who discovered America?”

Immediately a boy’s hand shot in the air

“That’s easy miss it was Maria”

THE THREE R’S

 

I was raised on the three R’s

At least on their importance

Reading, riting and rithmatic

Though spelling was more happenstance

But a greater three r ’s exist

Greater than literacy, grammar or fractions

Respect for oneself, Respect for others,

And Responsibility for all of your actions

PICTURE THIS

 

The school had been photographed

All of the children and all the staff

The proofs had come back promptly

And the teacher’s task was simply

Persuading them to buy a copy then

"Just think how nice it will be when

You will be able to look at it one day

When you are all grown up and say,

'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or

‘that’s Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back then said

"And there's the teacher, she's dead."

HE HAD A CRUSH ON HIS TEACHER

He had a crush on his teacher

And he thought she said be mine,

While she was marking his essay

And what she said was B minus

MY TEACHER IS EXTREMELY ANCIENT

My teacher is extremely ancient

But I don’t want to be thought a fool  

But it is the truth as he told us

He taught Shakespeare at his old school

I WOULD LIKE TO KILL THE PERSON

 

I would like to kill the person

Who said school days were fun

I was taught by Birds of pray,

More commonly known as nuns