I DO DRINK COFFEE

 

I do drink Coffee

But it’s not a favourite of mine

It doesn’t fill me with cheer

 

It just fills in the time

Until it’s socially acceptable

To start drinking beer

LOST PROPERTY

 

I left two bottles of Whisky

On the train to Prestatyn

I thought them gone for ever

Until a nice man called Glynn

Of the lost property office

Telephoned me from Prestatyn

To say the man who found them

Had just been handed in

COQ AU VAN

 

I tried cooking with wine last night

But it didn’t go very well therein

After five generous glasses

I forgot why I was in the kitchen

PHILOSOPHICAL DRINKER

 

It doesn’t matter if the glass

Is half full or half empty

Either is fine

It just means that there is

More than enough room

To add more wine

I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT QUITE IRONIC

 

I’ve always thought it quite ironic

That along with the malcontents

The favoured tipple of choice

For the homeless is Tenants

DRUNK DRIVING

 

He was driving home,

Shit faced drunk

Pissed as a cricket

Drunk as a skunk

 

Suddenly he swerved

To avoid a tree,

Then another, then another.

Then another tree

 

The police stopped him

For driving erratically

“Having a little trouble”?

The cop asked sarcastically

 

The drunk told the cop

About the trees everywhere

The cop just pointed

To the air freshener hanging there

I REALLY NEED TO MODERATE # 2

 

I really need to moderate

The way I live my life

Last night I drank so much

I turned into my wife

 

I lost the ability to rationalise

I couldn’t think logically

And couldn’t grasp the offside law

Then I had to sit down to pee

MATERNAL ABSTINENCE

My mum never touches strong drink

Which is her defensive buffering

Though not on religious grounds

It would interfere with her suffering

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SICK

 

You have just been sick

And not just a bit

So, stop pretending

And spare me the wit

It isn’t just a hiccup

With some pizza in it

THE END OF ROMANCE

 

I knew the very moment that

The romance had died, it was after

I drank from my wife’s slipper

And almost choked on a corn plaster

DRUNK AT THE BAR

 

A drunk was brought before the judge.

The judge said as he was walked in

"You've been brought before me for drinking."

And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"

SENIOR WINE

 

Forget the Pinot Grigio and its ilk

And the endless night time wee’s

Would you like anti-diuretic wine?

Then the Pinot More should please

ON THE ROCKS

 

ON THE ROCKS 

 

Vodka with ice is bad for you

Rum with ice is bad for you

Whiskey with ice is bad for you

Gin with ice is bad for you

I think we should refrain

From using ice, don’t you

THE NIGHT BUS

 

After a night out at the pub

I drunk until I could drink no more

And in a disorderly way

I made my way out of the door

But being the worse for ware

I hadn’t walked very far

When I came to the conclusion

I was too drunk to drive the car

So, I decided to take the bus

And I arrived safely at my door

Which was truly amazing

As I’d never driven a bus before

THE LOST WEEKEND

 

Oh, what calamity did befall?

What an embarrassment for us all

We over imbibed on Saturday night

And awoke on Sunday none too bright

On the porch the paper lay unread

We couldn’t face it and went back to bed

So next morning which was Monday

We found the paper and thought it was Sunday

So, we had a relaxing fun day

Not realising it was really Monday

On Tuesday when I returned to work

I really felt a proper berk

My boss had a true-blue fit

And saw no humour at all in it

And verbally assailed me with his rancour

Then he called me a total fool

SUCCUMBING

 

Though a cool day

The spring sunshine,

Was hot through the glass

And combined with the wine

And an excellent lunch

It wouldn’t be long methinks

Before I slowly succumbed

To the long blinks

THE NIGHT OUT

 

I’d been to some bars

And drunk a few jars

And while I was there

I became the worse for wear

When my double vision

Started causing derision

And tired of the scoff

I took myself off

To be greeted at home

By a malevolent gnome

The bane of my life

My diminutive wife

But when I was drunk

I wasn’t afraid of the skunk

Her anger I would dismiss

And bring her round with a kiss

But my advance was declined

Which I thought was unkind

I thought I would rise above

Her rejection of my love

But despite my attempt

To show her contempt

She still wouldn’t let me in

I thought it may be the Gin

So, I used reasoning

Without any seasoning

But what I said to her

Just came out as a slur

Then she angrily said

“Go and sleep in the shed”

THE MORNING AFTER

 

After a wild drunken night

Of drink, drugs, and animal sex

I awoke the next morning

And after finding my specs

I realised I was in bed

With the ugliest of women

And made a resigned sigh

Knowing I’d made it home then

THE LOCAL CHEMIST

 

A pub landlord

Is just a pharmacist

With a more limited

Inventory list

SELF ANALYSIS

Are you clinically obese?

Is your alcohol intake quite scary?

Do you like to dress up as a woman?

Then eat, drink and be Mary