Dreams are really very odd
Last night my wife sat
up and said
“Tell Lionel to stop
It’s really hurting my
head”
I enquired politely
What the hell she was
on about
“Lionel Blair is in
the wardrobe
Get the tosser out”
Now considering the
early hour
I had the patience of
Job
And softly said “Why
would he
Be in our wardrobe”?
A fare question, I
thought
She just gave me a frown
“Tap dancing you
idiot”
And then she lay back
down
It seems to me that a man in his middle years
Is rendered more
attractive, almost immediately,
To the opposite sex,
if found to be wealthy
And/or he is a well-known
TV celebrity
I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller
said “Eurostar”
“Well, I've done a bit
of telly”
There appears to be no shame
In our modern society
This is true for all walks of life
But in particular celebrities
Because what was once shame
Is now just called publicity
“I’d do anything” how apt a title
A motto for the wannabee
A catch phrase for the starstruck
And all those lacking dignity
Everybody is responsible
Never mind what nanny
state says
For their own actions
That’s the way it is
We are all responsible
for what we do
Except of course for celebrities
If you lived in the seventies
You were thought to be cool
If you looked like Marlon Brando
Or Liz Taylor
If you’re in your seventies
You are thought to be a fool
If you looked like Marlon Brando
Or Liz Taylor
I spoke to Diana Ross
Several times on the mobile
But I didn’t want her
Dyno-Rod was what I dialled
When she returned home, she said
She had been sleeping under the stars
Which meant, she’d been having sex
With celebrities that she met in bars
Giving kids a bad name
Is one of life’s absurdities
But those who really give kids
A bad name are, celebrities
Giving kids a bad name
Is
one of life’s absurdities
But
those who really give kids
A
bad name are, celebrities
“I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day”
George
Burns said when he was still a thing
Approaching
his hundredth birthday
“At
my age I have to hold on to something”
January
20th,1896 - March 9th, 1996
I remember many years ago in the days of Saturday night variety when the TV schedules weren’t filled with programs comprising almost totally of has-beens and nobodies.
The
has-beens trying to rekindle their flagging careers by humiliating themselves
on national TV by performing like tamed circus animals and the nobodies
humiliating themselves through a lack of any kind of talent on an endless
stream of repackaged 21st century “Talent” shows.
One
of the great shows of those far off days was The Two Ronnie’s and the reason it
has come to mind is one particular gag which was one of the items in their
regular closing routine when they would read out spoof news items. Now the one
that has come to mind is about a woman who raised a family one handed while
waiting for directory enquires.
Well,
I know that the old and much maligned directory enquires no longer exist and
that we now have a myriad of enquiry services which were set up to break BT’s
monopoly which in all honesty has done no one much of a service at all.
In
fact, they just seem to exist to add to the ever-growing number of call
centres, which have pervaded our everyday lives there should be enough to keep
our 21st century gag writers busy for years.
Waiting
for British Gas to phone back for example in fact waiting for British Gas to
anything should furnish enough humour for a mini series.
Of
course, the new curse of the age is the overseas call center chiefly the Indian
variety.
I
had a call yesterday from a young woman who spoke like Madur Jaffrey and
claimed to be named Jane Smith.
Now
I come to mention it there was a Jane smith who accompanied the Jon Pertwee
incarnation of Dr Who perhaps it was here.
I’ve
also been called, in the last two weeks, by Andy, Steve, Jason, Michael and
Owen then only ten minutes ago by Rachel Hunter.
I
don’t know what she was selling I just said if you’re Rachel Hunter then I’m
Pierce Brosnan and hung up.
I
have heard, although it could just be an urban myth, that the staff has daily
briefing where they get updated on the UK weather forecast, news bulletins and
the current plot lines of Eastenders and Coronation Street.
Now
I struggle to follow Enders and Corrie myself so I cant imagine it makes any
sense at all if you haven’t seen it.
All
of this does seem to beg the question that if there is nothing fundamentally
wrong with operating call center’s overseas why do they go to such great
lengths to convince us they are somewhere in Britain.
I was on a family holiday in Dubrovnik in the late eighties at a time when it was still part of old republic of Yugoslavia.
It
was not the best holiday I’ve ever had in fact it was awful caused by a combination
of foul weather, the worst summer for four decades we were reliably informed, and
the unfriendliness people it’s ever been my misfortune to come into contact
with, in fact they made Parisians look friendly and Bavarians seem charming.
In
retrospect there were obviously unseen tensions lurking beneath the surface,
which finally erupted into the vicious civil war, which saw the breakup of the
old Yugoslav republic.
However,
on this particular morning the weather had picked up a little and the sun was shining,
and the restaurant waitresses seemed a little less surly than usual, so we went
for a walk after breakfast.
We
headed towards the marina through a rather pleasant little park when we noticed
something on the quayside, so we went over to investigate.
We
came upon a scene with cameras and lights and an arrangement of rails on the
ground for the camera to run along and a lot of people milling around like a
group of industrious ants and then there was another smaller group with two men
dressed in east German uniforms and the unmistakable figure of the great Welsh
actor Jonathan Rhys-Davies.
I
know that some of you are asking “who the hell is Jonathan Rhys-Davies” well you may not recognize the name,
but you would certainly recognize the face and some of the many characters he’s
played such as Prof. Maximilian Arturo in the sci-fi series
Sliders, Sallah, the jovial north African friend of Indiana Jones in the
adventure movies and Gimli in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
So
now we all know who he is I will continue.
We
stopped to watch the filming and surprisingly there were very few people who
did stop to watch the proceedings and most of those who did quickly moved on.
Which
I found quite strange as it wasn’t as if there was anything more interesting to
do in Dubrovnik during the wettest summer for forty years.
There
were several takes of the shot they were filming and between takes Mr.
Rhys-Davies kept looking over in our direction and when the director was
finally satisfied with what he had done, he signaled for them to pack up for
the day.
On
this signal Mr Rhys-Davies made a beeline to where we were standing and greeted
us like we were long lost friends and kissed my mum, which thrilled her to
bits.
We
exchanged introductions and he proceeded to explain that they were in
Yugoslavia to film a pilot for a proposed TV show for one of the American
networks entitled “THE COMPANY” in which he played a CIA man. He then wanted to
know where we were from, where we were staying, how long we were staying, were
we enjoying it.
All
of course totally irrelevant to him but he took the time to find out about us
rather than do the usual Luvvie thing of talking about themselves and listing
their credits, there was no me me me with him at all.
He
spent over half an hour chatting with us then he posed for photos, but not in a
grandstanding way like stars do for the benefit of the paparazzi, then he
kissed my mum again.
He
had to be called three times by his production people to get in the car and
even then, he apologized profusely that he had to leave.
Whenever
we watch an Indian Jones movie or an episode of Sliders before I can even speak
my wife says, “I know its Jonathan
Rhys-Davies, you met him in Dubrovnik and he’s a very nice man”, before
I can say a word how sad is that.
I am always unsure when I meet someone from the acting profession whether the persona, I am presented with is merely a mask, another character adopted rather than the real person.
Now
with some Celebrities you would probably be happier with the mask than the
rather shallow original.
The
feeling you get however after meeting Penelope Keith is what you see is what
you get.
The
first time I met her was at an open day for the Guildford Magistrates court.
I
was working at the time as part of the crew of the Surrey Police Mobile Custody
Unit.
We
were on duty with the vehicle so that members of the public come aboard see how
it worked and Penelope Keith was their in her capacity as High Sheriff of
Surrey as was by no means the only civil dignitary at the gathering but she was
the only one who made a point of speaking to everyone on duty and by that I
mean she conversed with everyone.
A
delightful lady and not a bit like Margo Ledbetter.
A new quiz show is coming very soon
It
will be a one off though to be fair
Its
only open to uniformed doormen
It’s
“who wants to be a commissionaire”
The latest TV craze is for reality shows
And
they seem that they are at their peak
There
are some new ones starting very soon
In
fact, the first of them starts next week
And
they have chosen a religious theme
In
order to tap into the large Christian poll
The
first one is aimed at the Roman Catholics
To
choose a new pontiff and called “pope idol”
Then
for the Protestant’s to keep a balance
For
church choristers and singers of gospels
The
host is a tall, bearded man named Mathew
The
show will be called “stars in your aisles”
Marriages between celebrities
And
people of that ilk
Are
considered to be a success
If
they out last milk
This Ant and Dec as far as I can tell
Are on TV a lot and doing quite well
I don’t really watch them much you see
Because they’re not really my cup of tea
Recently they were called in the press
Something that causes me great distress
The claim that has caused such concern
“Ant and Dec are the new Eric and Ern”
Well, I’m sorry but I simply must disagree
There can never be a new Eric and Ernie
They won’t even replace Cannon and Ball
Little and Large or any double acts at all
It won’t ever happen no matter who tries
But they may be the new Little and Wise
“You look like Donald Sutherland”
She told me at the
cocktail party
I was extremely
flattered by this
Even though she
was quite tarty
Being compared to
a famous star
Left me with a
warm feeling inside
Head high looking
down my nose
I saw her smiling
wryly at my pride
Its only human to
be so flattered
Even if he doesn’t
make girls swoon
Then she continued
loudly in my ear
“Well viewed in
the back of a spoon”
