CUTTING EDGE LENS TECHNOLOGY
My son just bought the most amazing camera
With super fast shutter speed, “on the edge of the cut”
And when he photographed my wife and I
He managed to snap her with her mouth shut
SPAM, SPAM AND MORE SPAM
I keep getting spam emails
From Ms Fatale Attraction
Who is a bored housewife
Looking for some hot action
With a younger man, if poss
So if I keep receiving her siren-ing
I might just reply to her
Then I can send her my ironing
THE RIGHT QUESTION
“You probably get this quite a lot I expect,
So I’ll make it quick and not prolong,
Aren’t you the chap who invented Tippex?,
You are, are you not; correct me if I’m wrong”
TUNNEL OF SELF LOVE
When a narcissists riding of
The tunnel of love is planned
He’ll want to sit alone in a car
So he can hold his own hand
A FISHY DEMISE
I’ve lost all of my tropical fish
And it’s my neighbour I have to thank
Because he plays his music so loud
It caused a tsunami in my fish tank
SIR CUMFERENCE OF CAMELOT
Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
With the bulk of his obesity
Though he didn’t know why
His physician warned him that
Left unchecked he would die
But he had a hearty appetite
And that was the reason why
Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
And the immensity of his girth
Was caused, by too much pi
DOG-DAY AFTERNOON
I start in the morning
With a spring in my step
Like an excited puppy
Full of vigour and pep
But at the end of the day
I walk with a heavier step
And feel less like a puppy
And more like “old shep”
THE MEASURE OF A MAN
Bimbette and Peaches were standing by a flagpole,
Looking up at it in a rather puzzled way
When they were asked what the were doing
By a pleasant young man passing their way
“We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole
But we don't have a ladder” Said Bimbette with a frown
The young man took a spanner from his pocket
Loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down
He then took a tape measure from his other pocket,
Took a few measurements, and said it was 18 feet
Then he returned the flagpole to its previous condition
And strode off confidently down the street
Bimbette said “How like a man!! give me strength,
You ask him for the height and he gives you the length
TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES
The highways departmentt have decided
In a review of speed management
To replace the current
Traffic calming measures
No more speed bumps
Or chicanes
Flashing road signs or traffic cameras
No bollards or over painted road surfaces
A newer cheaper alternative has been found
To promote road safety
So the highways dept have decided
Just to stop repairing potholes
Because they really slow drivers down
A SMALL STATISTIC
Here is a statistic
That is a bit crappy
Only one in seven dwarves
Are actually happy
PERSONAL BANKING
I went to my bank yesterday
As I went to work, it’s on my way
I said to the cashier Miss Valance
“Hello can you check my balance”
She replied “yes certainly Mr. Dover”
Then walked round and pushed me over
BUSAN TO SEOUL
I’m moving from Busan to Seoul
But my family don’t approve
But I start a new job in Seoul next week
And it’s a good Korea move
FUMING WIFE
My wife was tragically overcome
By a very unsavory hum
To which she did succumb
As a result of the deadly aroma
By wife of ten years, Oma
Now lies prone in a coma
But the main reason I’m so glum
Is that the offending noxious hum
Actually emanated from my bum
So my dear wife alas and alack
Now lays motionless on her back
Because of her husbands gas attack
DEATH AT SEA
I fight for my life
In the icy water
But fatigue overcomes me
And I succumb
To the welcoming waters
And as I slip beneath the waves
My life replays before me
Like an old home movie
And I think to my self
As my life ebbs away
Damn that was boring
BREATH OF WIND
To break wind alfresco
Seems to me such a waste
If you can feel it coming
Move inside with all haste
Stand under the air conditioning
Then everyone gets a taste
DISRESPECTING THE BOSS
Gwen looks like Mavis Cruet,
The plump clumsy fairy,
The one from Willo the Wisp
All warty and hairy
Mavis was too fat too fly
With erratic magical powers
Gwen knows what we call her
And she sits in her office and glowers
She may look like Mavis Cruet,
But in truth she’s like Evil Edna
And she will wreak her revenge
Because she’s our employer
ST ANTHONY
St Anthony is a patron saint
Of lost things, articles and bits
I once had a St Anthony Medal
But I don’t know where to find it
MILESTONE BIRTHDAY
I’ve been dreading, turning forty,
But it occurred to me then
That I won’t really be 40
I’ll just be thirty 10
SENIOR RETIREMENT
At last I’m retired
It’s just what I desired
So goodbye to the tension
And hello to my pension
PARTY ANIMAL
I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
A werewolf and a full moon
Seemed to fit the bill
ABRASIVE BEHAVIOUR
I have been charged with murdering a man
With sandpaper, the really course grit
But I’m pleading it down to manslaughter
Because I only meant to rough him up a bit
EMBRACE WITH CAUTION
Embracing is good, I like to hug, and I like to cuddle
But you should be very careful I would say
As there’s a very fine line between a cuddle
And holding them down so they can't get away
ELEMENTARY TAXI
I jumped into the cab
'Conan Doyle’s Close driver'
Don't worry; he said,
We’ll lose him at the lights Guvna
PARTY GUEST
I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
The SAS combat fatigues
Seemed to fit the bill
LOST PROPERTY INQUIRY
“Good morning,
Is that lost property?
I have misplaced some articles
Could you possibly help me?
The last time I had them?
Was on a train to Waterloo
Traveling from Rowland’s Castle
I think it was the 9.22
The items are of particular import,
The first item was my heart,
Which has been returned,
In a state of disrepair, but it’s a start
Other articles include, my dignity,
My self respect, have you seen them at all?
What about my back bone
Or perhaps you have found my balls”
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
Whenever my wife fills in a form for me
And it asks who to notify in an emergency
She always writes down her name, what for?
I don’t want her called, she’s not a doctor
TGIF
I have just looked at the clock
And it’s left me feeling great
Its 4 o’clock on Friday afternoon
Or what I like to call the home straight
THE LOCAL CHEMIST
A pub landlord
Is just a pharmacist
With a more limited
Inventory list
SAY IT AS IT IS
Velveteen isn’t Velvet
And Sateen isn’t silk
A sours ear isn’t a purse
And UHT isn’t milk
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Poems Of A Sexual Nature
AWKWARD TEENAGE MOMENTS
The stress of being a teenager
Do you remember?
Especially the instant arousals
Of the little member
The slightest thought
Of a sexual nature
Instantly breathed life
Into your little creature
Your heart starts pumping
And the blood surges
To feed the beast
On sexual urges
All of which
Was fine and dandy
Providing of course you had
Your girlfriend handy
Or some privacy
Then there was no issue
Providing of course you had
A supply of tissue
Not so helpful
If you’re out walking
Or with your granny
Sat small talking
In any place
That you couldn’t touch
That I’m afraid
I didn’t like much
Like on the bus
Or on the train
When a girl gets on
And oh no not again
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
You can wear an ankle bracelet
And have piercings through your bits
You can even have a tramp stamp
But don’t go messing with your tits
You can wear a thong up your bum
You can remove every hair you’ve grown
You can show everyone your belly
But please leave your tits alone
I’ll admit they’re not the biggest
But you have the perfect little pair
I don’t want you to look like Jordan
With two footballs hanging there
Your breasts were made by nature
And by definition they are perfection
I don’t want a surgeon Frankenstein
Messing with your lovely confections
PARTY FAVOURS DECLINED
She looked tarty
At the party
And I got the horn
Dancing with Dawn
Which was great
It was first rate
But I wasn’t thrilled
She left me chilled
The problem lay
I should say
Not in my arousal
At the carousal
But her rejection
Of my erection
THE GIRL WALKED LINGERIE FREE
All eyes turned towards her
The girl in the black silk dress
With stockined legs, black and sheer
The girl walked lingerie free
Her unfettered breasts
Moving freely beneath the silk
Her buttocks had a rhythm
When she walked that hypnotized
Each movement of her hips
Rolled and rounded
The perfect globes
And returned them with precision,
They moved them again
Her effortless movement
On high stiletto heels
I could only watch
In a heightened state of arousal
The effects on me
Both hypnotic and erotic
BENDY WENDY
Wendy was bendy
And a delight to behold
She was pliant and supple
And easy to fold
Wendy was bendy
Her pliancy had no end
And in the bedroom
She was my flexible friend
NUCLEAR PETUNIA
Nuclear Petunia was insatiable
A sexual being to her core
She would do it in a cupboard
She would do it on the floor
She never got exhausted
She just wanted more and more
Petunia truly was atomic
She just went on and on
And in between no respite
Just another nuclear fusion
LYCRA LADY?
The Lycra fitted her
Like a second skin.
Taut and seamless
Leaving every contour revealed
Each curve, each mound
Every peak and valley
Every ridge and canyon
Of her voluptuous landscape
Her immodesty shown
In stark relief
COMING OF AGE
When I was still but a boy
I went to visit a house of joy
And although I had to pay
I would honestly have to say
That for a coming of age event
It was the best quid I ever spent
The stress of being a teenager
Do you remember?
Especially the instant arousals
Of the little member
The slightest thought
Of a sexual nature
Instantly breathed life
Into your little creature
Your heart starts pumping
And the blood surges
To feed the beast
On sexual urges
All of which
Was fine and dandy
Providing of course you had
Your girlfriend handy
Or some privacy
Then there was no issue
Providing of course you had
A supply of tissue
Not so helpful
If you’re out walking
Or with your granny
Sat small talking
In any place
That you couldn’t touch
That I’m afraid
I didn’t like much
Like on the bus
Or on the train
When a girl gets on
And oh no not again
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
You can wear an ankle bracelet
And have piercings through your bits
You can even have a tramp stamp
But don’t go messing with your tits
You can wear a thong up your bum
You can remove every hair you’ve grown
You can show everyone your belly
But please leave your tits alone
I’ll admit they’re not the biggest
But you have the perfect little pair
I don’t want you to look like Jordan
With two footballs hanging there
Your breasts were made by nature
And by definition they are perfection
I don’t want a surgeon Frankenstein
Messing with your lovely confections
PARTY FAVOURS DECLINED
She looked tarty
At the party
And I got the horn
Dancing with Dawn
Which was great
It was first rate
But I wasn’t thrilled
She left me chilled
The problem lay
I should say
Not in my arousal
At the carousal
But her rejection
Of my erection
THE GIRL WALKED LINGERIE FREE
All eyes turned towards her
The girl in the black silk dress
With stockined legs, black and sheer
The girl walked lingerie free
Her unfettered breasts
Moving freely beneath the silk
Her buttocks had a rhythm
When she walked that hypnotized
Each movement of her hips
Rolled and rounded
The perfect globes
And returned them with precision,
They moved them again
Her effortless movement
On high stiletto heels
I could only watch
In a heightened state of arousal
The effects on me
Both hypnotic and erotic
BENDY WENDY
Wendy was bendy
And a delight to behold
She was pliant and supple
And easy to fold
Wendy was bendy
Her pliancy had no end
And in the bedroom
She was my flexible friend
NUCLEAR PETUNIA
Nuclear Petunia was insatiable
A sexual being to her core
She would do it in a cupboard
She would do it on the floor
She never got exhausted
She just wanted more and more
Petunia truly was atomic
She just went on and on
And in between no respite
Just another nuclear fusion
LYCRA LADY?
The Lycra fitted her
Like a second skin.
Taut and seamless
Leaving every contour revealed
Each curve, each mound
Every peak and valley
Every ridge and canyon
Of her voluptuous landscape
Her immodesty shown
In stark relief
COMING OF AGE
When I was still but a boy
I went to visit a house of joy
And although I had to pay
I would honestly have to say
That for a coming of age event
It was the best quid I ever spent
Words on Love # 5
AWOKEN
You have awoken the sleeping beast
That was my heart of black
You have awakened the feelings
That died in me a long time back
You have made my senses tingle
You have made my pulses race
You have filled me with a glow
And brought a smile back to my face
Now the sleeping beast has awoken
I just thought you should know
You have given me new life
And I will always love you so
WE ARE AT THE BEGINNING
We are at the beginning
We are barely on our way
Love is still new and fresh
But I would just like to say
I want to grow old with you
Till we are both old and grey
I want us both to be together
Until our far off dying day
REMINISCING KISSING
I like to sit and reminisce
About that first, of many, kiss
We weren’t even a couple yet
We hadn’t really properly met
Two complete novices in the art
Yet we kissed from the start
Like masters of the kissing craft
With a passionate abiding graft
I like to sit and reminisce
About our special first kiss
GIVE UP BABE
Give up babe
Forget about me
Marry him
I know you want me baby
But it’s over
Don’t call me
Don't tell me you love me
Don’t be a bunny boiler
Don't speak
Don't ask me why
I don’t want to be cruel
The sun has gone down on us
It doesn’t make me feel good
That we’ve thrown it all away
So walk away
Don’t stop
Don’t look back
IN AN INTENSE GAZE
I’m holding you in my arms,
Staring into your green eyes,
And a feeling washes over me
A feeling of intense love
And it makes me smile
Then your eyes meet mine
In an intense gaze
And I see in the depths of your eyes
Recognition and I know
You love me the same
L FOR LIBRARIAN
I see you differently tonight
Not the bookish librarian
No beige sweater and slacks
No tied back hair
And sensible shoes
Tonight you are no quiet librarian
Tonight you prowl
On four inch heels
Tonight you are the huntress
On the black stockined legs
A lioness in a cocktail dress
Hair flowing like a mane
Who knew what lay beneath?
The shapeless beige
And baggy trousers
A woman hid beneath the drab
A woman with shape and form
Curves and undulations
Look under S for sexy
BOBBY SOXER
I’m in love with a 50’s teen
I’m in love with my Bobby Soxer.
Pony tail bobbing
Wearing my Letterman
Over her white blouse
Then the free-swinging
Poodle skirt
Defining her waist
And accentuating those hips.
A flattering swirl of skirt
Covers her skinny legs
She looks so cute
In her bobby socks
And saddle shoes
How I love it
When she kicks up
Her Mary Jane’s
As we bop at the sock hop
MY SWEATER GIRL
Nobody filled a sweater
Quite like my sweater girl
And no one in a poodle skirt
Could match her swing and swirl
Nobody could cut a rug
Like my sweater girl could do
And when it came to necking
She’d be the one for you
It didn’t matter what she wore
She was the cutest by a mile
In PF Fliers and pedal pushers
Or at the hop putting on the style
Nobody filled a sweater
Like my sweater girl could
And if I could go back fifty years
Then I promise you I would
JUNE IN THE DUNES
On the longest day in June
The songsters croon
Beneath the summer moon
But lovers play a different tune
In the quiet of the dune
Finds loves passions strewn
Where lovers fondly spoon
And Terry makes love to June
He begs the morn not to come to soon
She similarly begs him to attune
You have awoken the sleeping beast
That was my heart of black
You have awakened the feelings
That died in me a long time back
You have made my senses tingle
You have made my pulses race
You have filled me with a glow
And brought a smile back to my face
Now the sleeping beast has awoken
I just thought you should know
You have given me new life
And I will always love you so
WE ARE AT THE BEGINNING
We are at the beginning
We are barely on our way
Love is still new and fresh
But I would just like to say
I want to grow old with you
Till we are both old and grey
I want us both to be together
Until our far off dying day
REMINISCING KISSING
I like to sit and reminisce
About that first, of many, kiss
We weren’t even a couple yet
We hadn’t really properly met
Two complete novices in the art
Yet we kissed from the start
Like masters of the kissing craft
With a passionate abiding graft
I like to sit and reminisce
About our special first kiss
GIVE UP BABE
Give up babe
Forget about me
Marry him
I know you want me baby
But it’s over
Don’t call me
Don't tell me you love me
Don’t be a bunny boiler
Don't speak
Don't ask me why
I don’t want to be cruel
The sun has gone down on us
It doesn’t make me feel good
That we’ve thrown it all away
So walk away
Don’t stop
Don’t look back
IN AN INTENSE GAZE
I’m holding you in my arms,
Staring into your green eyes,
And a feeling washes over me
A feeling of intense love
And it makes me smile
Then your eyes meet mine
In an intense gaze
And I see in the depths of your eyes
Recognition and I know
You love me the same
L FOR LIBRARIAN
I see you differently tonight
Not the bookish librarian
No beige sweater and slacks
No tied back hair
And sensible shoes
Tonight you are no quiet librarian
Tonight you prowl
On four inch heels
Tonight you are the huntress
On the black stockined legs
A lioness in a cocktail dress
Hair flowing like a mane
Who knew what lay beneath?
The shapeless beige
And baggy trousers
A woman hid beneath the drab
A woman with shape and form
Curves and undulations
Look under S for sexy
BOBBY SOXER
I’m in love with a 50’s teen
I’m in love with my Bobby Soxer.
Pony tail bobbing
Wearing my Letterman
Over her white blouse
Then the free-swinging
Poodle skirt
Defining her waist
And accentuating those hips.
A flattering swirl of skirt
Covers her skinny legs
She looks so cute
In her bobby socks
And saddle shoes
How I love it
When she kicks up
Her Mary Jane’s
As we bop at the sock hop
MY SWEATER GIRL
Nobody filled a sweater
Quite like my sweater girl
And no one in a poodle skirt
Could match her swing and swirl
Nobody could cut a rug
Like my sweater girl could do
And when it came to necking
She’d be the one for you
It didn’t matter what she wore
She was the cutest by a mile
In PF Fliers and pedal pushers
Or at the hop putting on the style
Nobody filled a sweater
Like my sweater girl could
And if I could go back fifty years
Then I promise you I would
JUNE IN THE DUNES
On the longest day in June
The songsters croon
Beneath the summer moon
But lovers play a different tune
In the quiet of the dune
Finds loves passions strewn
Where lovers fondly spoon
And Terry makes love to June
He begs the morn not to come to soon
She similarly begs him to attune
Words on Love # 4
LOVE OVERBOARD
I’m like a drowning man
Since you cast me aside
Into a sea of pain
To fight desperately
Against the tide of despair
That has overcome me
I choke on the salt water
Of my lonely tears
Wishing you would rescue me
Keep me afloat with your love
But you do not come
And I sink beneath the waves
And our life together
Passes before my eyes
SKIN DEEP
You are all veneer,
With no oak beneath
You are all gloss finish
With no undercoat
You are a pastry top
With no pie below
You are faith
Without belief
You are attraction
Without love
You are shallow
And superficial
WHEN WE ARE APART
When we are apart
My heart breaks
Each painful moment
My heart aches
Come home soon
For both our sakes
MORE THAN EVER NOW
More than ever now
I want you.
Each day that passes
Surpasses its predecessor
In contentment
You are my salvation
Remembering the time before us
Leaves me cold
You brought me home
Into the warmth
You tended to my heart
Restored my faith
Pacified the torments
More than ever now
I need you
Each day that passes
Eclipses its predecessor
You are my miracle
Banishing sorrow forever
Replenishing my love
Refreshing my spirit
Tending my flesh
More than ever now
I want you.
I need you
I love you
HE SAID THOSE WORDS
He said those words,
He said them to me,
I thought I had misheard
So he had to say them twice
Was it a mistake?
Did he mean to say them to me?
Of course not,
He’s not talking to me
He’s talking to Carol
She’s sat behind me
Oh no she’s gone for coffee
So yes he was talking to me
He did say those words,
And he did say them to me
I couldn't believe it
I thought I must be dreaming,
I would wake up in a moment
To find it was a pleasant dream
And I would smile to myself
And let out a little sigh
But he said those words to me
And with those words
He changed my world
The sun shone on my existence
And my heart skipped a beat
I didn’t even know he’d noticed me
I didn’t know he knew that I existed
But he said those words to me
And I said yes
EVERY MINUTE THAT I LIVE
The heartfelt declaration I wish to give
Is that I love every minute that I live
I love every minute and that is true
Except for the moments I’m not with you
HOPELESS
The hope has gone
Hope of love
Hope of tenderness
It has fallen into the abyss
The hope of Joy
And requited feelings
Have evaporated
And are lost in the ether
And the hope
That what once was lost
Can be found
Is a shattered myth
OUR LOVE IS NEW LOVE
Our love is new love
Our love is true love
Don’t be blue love
Because I love you love
Our love is new love
My love is true love
I won’t be blue love
Because I love you love
Our love is new love
Is your love a true love?
Don’t make me blue love
Say I love you too love
THE SEEDS OF LOVE ARE SOWN
The seeds of love are sown
When cupid’s arrow flies
A love that grows ever stronger
Begins at first in the eyes
Then the seeds are nurtured
And with patient cultivation
Then love, strong and sturdy
Will be the fruitful culmination
I’m like a drowning man
Since you cast me aside
Into a sea of pain
To fight desperately
Against the tide of despair
That has overcome me
I choke on the salt water
Of my lonely tears
Wishing you would rescue me
Keep me afloat with your love
But you do not come
And I sink beneath the waves
And our life together
Passes before my eyes
SKIN DEEP
You are all veneer,
With no oak beneath
You are all gloss finish
With no undercoat
You are a pastry top
With no pie below
You are faith
Without belief
You are attraction
Without love
You are shallow
And superficial
WHEN WE ARE APART
When we are apart
My heart breaks
Each painful moment
My heart aches
Come home soon
For both our sakes
MORE THAN EVER NOW
More than ever now
I want you.
Each day that passes
Surpasses its predecessor
In contentment
You are my salvation
Remembering the time before us
Leaves me cold
You brought me home
Into the warmth
You tended to my heart
Restored my faith
Pacified the torments
More than ever now
I need you
Each day that passes
Eclipses its predecessor
You are my miracle
Banishing sorrow forever
Replenishing my love
Refreshing my spirit
Tending my flesh
More than ever now
I want you.
I need you
I love you
HE SAID THOSE WORDS
He said those words,
He said them to me,
I thought I had misheard
So he had to say them twice
Was it a mistake?
Did he mean to say them to me?
Of course not,
He’s not talking to me
He’s talking to Carol
She’s sat behind me
Oh no she’s gone for coffee
So yes he was talking to me
He did say those words,
And he did say them to me
I couldn't believe it
I thought I must be dreaming,
I would wake up in a moment
To find it was a pleasant dream
And I would smile to myself
And let out a little sigh
But he said those words to me
And with those words
He changed my world
The sun shone on my existence
And my heart skipped a beat
I didn’t even know he’d noticed me
I didn’t know he knew that I existed
But he said those words to me
And I said yes
EVERY MINUTE THAT I LIVE
The heartfelt declaration I wish to give
Is that I love every minute that I live
I love every minute and that is true
Except for the moments I’m not with you
HOPELESS
The hope has gone
Hope of love
Hope of tenderness
It has fallen into the abyss
The hope of Joy
And requited feelings
Have evaporated
And are lost in the ether
And the hope
That what once was lost
Can be found
Is a shattered myth
OUR LOVE IS NEW LOVE
Our love is new love
Our love is true love
Don’t be blue love
Because I love you love
Our love is new love
My love is true love
I won’t be blue love
Because I love you love
Our love is new love
Is your love a true love?
Don’t make me blue love
Say I love you too love
THE SEEDS OF LOVE ARE SOWN
The seeds of love are sown
When cupid’s arrow flies
A love that grows ever stronger
Begins at first in the eyes
Then the seeds are nurtured
And with patient cultivation
Then love, strong and sturdy
Will be the fruitful culmination
Words on Love # 3
LOOKING FOR LOVE
I seek your love but
Get only lust, I seek passion
Yet I get only sex
IN AND OUT
Outside I was cool
Detached, laidback
Appearing indifferent
Inside I was in
Torment, twisted by jealousy
Envy and bitterness
GIVING OVER
I gave to you my heart
I told you, you could take it
I knew that I could trust you
I knew you wouldn’t break it
You gave to me in return
Your own precious fragile heart
OF THE HEART
You gave to me all your love
And as a means by which to measure
You gave to me your heart
Which I will always treasure
RELUCTANT LOVE
You gave to me protection
Like shelter from a squall
You made me feel important
Not insignificantly small
You made me feel safe
Never vulnerable at all
And though it took time
For me to eventually fall
I love you so much now
Like a puppy loves a ball
ANGEL IN MY BED
There is an angel in my bed
Asleep beneath the sheets
Her angelic countenance
Exuding heavenly serenity
But I can safely say
The angel that I can see
Asleep beneath the sheets
The angel lying in my bed
After what we did before
Is not an angel anymore
I SPEND ALL OF MY DAYS MISSING YOU
I spend all of my days missing you
And at night I dream of kissing you
And I just wanted to let you know
That I just can’t seem to let you go
If you called to me and beaconed
I would take you back in a second
HOLE IN MY LIFE
Since you left me on my own
Loneliness is rife
I don’t want to be your widow
I want to be your wife
Losing you was such a blow
That’s left a hole in my life
I seek your love but
Get only lust, I seek passion
Yet I get only sex
IN AND OUT
Outside I was cool
Detached, laidback
Appearing indifferent
Inside I was in
Torment, twisted by jealousy
Envy and bitterness
GIVING OVER
I gave to you my heart
I told you, you could take it
I knew that I could trust you
I knew you wouldn’t break it
You gave to me in return
Your own precious fragile heart
OF THE HEART
You gave to me all your love
And as a means by which to measure
You gave to me your heart
Which I will always treasure
RELUCTANT LOVE
You gave to me protection
Like shelter from a squall
You made me feel important
Not insignificantly small
You made me feel safe
Never vulnerable at all
And though it took time
For me to eventually fall
I love you so much now
Like a puppy loves a ball
ANGEL IN MY BED
There is an angel in my bed
Asleep beneath the sheets
Her angelic countenance
Exuding heavenly serenity
But I can safely say
The angel that I can see
Asleep beneath the sheets
The angel lying in my bed
After what we did before
Is not an angel anymore
I SPEND ALL OF MY DAYS MISSING YOU
I spend all of my days missing you
And at night I dream of kissing you
And I just wanted to let you know
That I just can’t seem to let you go
If you called to me and beaconed
I would take you back in a second
HOLE IN MY LIFE
Since you left me on my own
Loneliness is rife
I don’t want to be your widow
I want to be your wife
Losing you was such a blow
That’s left a hole in my life
Words on Love # 2
WHEN FIRST WE KISSED
When first we kissed
And our lips came together
In that long languid embrace
Time seemed to stand still
I wished it would last forever
But I knew that it couldn’t
I never wanted it to end
But I knew that it must
Because one perfect kiss
Had to end
Before the next
Magical kiss
Could begin
UNDER THE SUPER MOON
Under the super moon
Stood in the Orange grove
I knew I was in love
As our eyes met
My heart hoped beyond hope
That you felt the same
Our hands hold each others
And my love starts to grow
Then beneath the super moon
I hold you close too me
And your arms enfold me
In a long hold me forever embrace
And how safe I feel in your arms
Your arms wrapped around me
Like a cloak of love
Never wanting to let go
Under the super moon
Love bloomed in you
As well as I
In the Orange grove
Love was growing
Resilient and strong
A love that would never die
LEAVING
You say I suppress the sunshine
And bring you only rain
I beg you not to leave
But I know it is in vain
I know if I let you go
That would ease your pain
But I fear if we say good bye
We will never meet again?
FINAL KISS
Love has died in you
But my love for you is vast
I think this good bye kiss
Is bound to be our last
MERCIFUL RELEASE
Now has come the day
When my love must sail away
Upon a morphine sea
You drift away from me
And you breathe your last
As pain releases its bitter grasp
UNDERMINING
Our love, once sturdy
Like granite against the storm
Has been eroded
By elements of distrust
Unspoken discontents,
And bitter jealousies
Corroding like acid
Doubts and suspicion
Growing like cancers
Until they become the terminal
Silent killers of love
LOVE IS THE MOMENTS
Love is your sweet breath
Against my skin as we lay
In the quiet afterglow
PASSIONATE DREAMS
I dream of passion
In lustful obsession, waking
Still unfulfilled
When first we kissed
And our lips came together
In that long languid embrace
Time seemed to stand still
I wished it would last forever
But I knew that it couldn’t
I never wanted it to end
But I knew that it must
Because one perfect kiss
Had to end
Before the next
Magical kiss
Could begin
UNDER THE SUPER MOON
Under the super moon
Stood in the Orange grove
I knew I was in love
As our eyes met
My heart hoped beyond hope
That you felt the same
Our hands hold each others
And my love starts to grow
Then beneath the super moon
I hold you close too me
And your arms enfold me
In a long hold me forever embrace
And how safe I feel in your arms
Your arms wrapped around me
Like a cloak of love
Never wanting to let go
Under the super moon
Love bloomed in you
As well as I
In the Orange grove
Love was growing
Resilient and strong
A love that would never die
LEAVING
You say I suppress the sunshine
And bring you only rain
I beg you not to leave
But I know it is in vain
I know if I let you go
That would ease your pain
But I fear if we say good bye
We will never meet again?
FINAL KISS
Love has died in you
But my love for you is vast
I think this good bye kiss
Is bound to be our last
MERCIFUL RELEASE
Now has come the day
When my love must sail away
Upon a morphine sea
You drift away from me
And you breathe your last
As pain releases its bitter grasp
UNDERMINING
Our love, once sturdy
Like granite against the storm
Has been eroded
By elements of distrust
Unspoken discontents,
And bitter jealousies
Corroding like acid
Doubts and suspicion
Growing like cancers
Until they become the terminal
Silent killers of love
LOVE IS THE MOMENTS
Love is your sweet breath
Against my skin as we lay
In the quiet afterglow
PASSIONATE DREAMS
I dream of passion
In lustful obsession, waking
Still unfulfilled
Words on Love # 1
DOCTOR MY EYES
I’ve had my eyes tested
And I am 20/20
I am not short sighted
Nor long sighted
My eyes are healthy
There is no glaucoma
No floaters
Nor cataracts
My sight is perfect
So why is it
When I look at you
I see an angel
When you are anything but
I asked the optician
Why, with such perfect vision,
Can I not see betrayal?
He told me
That I have perfect vision
Its just rose tinted
APPETITE FOR LOVE
Your love
Was nourishing
And sustaining
But overly seasoned
With my tears
HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE
It happened on the beach
One afternoon in the sun
It happened in the shower
When the day was done
It happened in the car
Parked in the multistory
It happened on the sofa
Watching Toy Story
It happened on a bench
One night in the park
It happened at the pictures
On the back row in the dark
It happened on an airplane
I’m sure it will again
It happened in a bus shelter
One night in the rain
It happened in a taxi
On the way to waterloo
I got that empty feeling
Because I’m missing you
NOW SHE SLEEPS
Now she sleeps,
Her head on a white silk pillow
Her soft brunette curls
Framing her pretty face
Now relaxed and at peace
A soft glow still on her cheek
Contentment around her eyes
A subtle smile about her lips
THE VERY FIRST LOOK,
The very first look,
Little more than a glance really,
Is almost cursory in nature
Yet seems to be one of recognition
But you are a stranger to me.
So why if that is the case,
When our eyes meet,
Do the hairs stand up?
On the back of my neck
Now my skin is tingling
Like I’m full of electricity
My mouth is dry
And I think I’m actually blushing
I see confusion on your face
Is this the same for you?
Do you feel it too?
Why does a stranger affect me so?
What is this feeling?
What’s happening?
Who are you?
Now you are smiling
You do feel it too
Well, smiling stranger
Is this love at first sight?
Or is it déjà vu
WHEN DID ACQUAINTANCE
When did acquaintance
Turn into friendship?
When did friendship become affection?
When did affection change to love?
There were no obvious signs
That I can recall
No waves crashing on the rocks
No rockets in the sky
No bells and whistles
No brass band playing
No symbols crashing
But it has happened anyway
Was it when I saw you enter the room?
Or when I first heard you speak
Was it when I heard you laugh?
Or when you first spoke to me
Was it when I saw you smile?
Or when I made you blush
Was it when we danced?
Or when we first held hands
Was it when I stared deeply in to your eyes?
And saw into you soul
Perhaps it was while we kissed
Or when we made love
There was no obvious cause
It was not any one of the above
Yet it was all of them and more
LOVE IS THE SPICE OF LIFE
Love is the magical
Ingredient, seasoning an
Ordinary existence
LOVE IS TECHNICOLOR
Love is the element
Dispelling the blandness to
Bring colour to the world
I’ve had my eyes tested
And I am 20/20
I am not short sighted
Nor long sighted
My eyes are healthy
There is no glaucoma
No floaters
Nor cataracts
My sight is perfect
So why is it
When I look at you
I see an angel
When you are anything but
I asked the optician
Why, with such perfect vision,
Can I not see betrayal?
He told me
That I have perfect vision
Its just rose tinted
APPETITE FOR LOVE
Your love
Was nourishing
And sustaining
But overly seasoned
With my tears
HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE
It happened on the beach
One afternoon in the sun
It happened in the shower
When the day was done
It happened in the car
Parked in the multistory
It happened on the sofa
Watching Toy Story
It happened on a bench
One night in the park
It happened at the pictures
On the back row in the dark
It happened on an airplane
I’m sure it will again
It happened in a bus shelter
One night in the rain
It happened in a taxi
On the way to waterloo
I got that empty feeling
Because I’m missing you
NOW SHE SLEEPS
Now she sleeps,
Her head on a white silk pillow
Her soft brunette curls
Framing her pretty face
Now relaxed and at peace
A soft glow still on her cheek
Contentment around her eyes
A subtle smile about her lips
THE VERY FIRST LOOK,
The very first look,
Little more than a glance really,
Is almost cursory in nature
Yet seems to be one of recognition
But you are a stranger to me.
So why if that is the case,
When our eyes meet,
Do the hairs stand up?
On the back of my neck
Now my skin is tingling
Like I’m full of electricity
My mouth is dry
And I think I’m actually blushing
I see confusion on your face
Is this the same for you?
Do you feel it too?
Why does a stranger affect me so?
What is this feeling?
What’s happening?
Who are you?
Now you are smiling
You do feel it too
Well, smiling stranger
Is this love at first sight?
Or is it déjà vu
WHEN DID ACQUAINTANCE
When did acquaintance
Turn into friendship?
When did friendship become affection?
When did affection change to love?
There were no obvious signs
That I can recall
No waves crashing on the rocks
No rockets in the sky
No bells and whistles
No brass band playing
No symbols crashing
But it has happened anyway
Was it when I saw you enter the room?
Or when I first heard you speak
Was it when I heard you laugh?
Or when you first spoke to me
Was it when I saw you smile?
Or when I made you blush
Was it when we danced?
Or when we first held hands
Was it when I stared deeply in to your eyes?
And saw into you soul
Perhaps it was while we kissed
Or when we made love
There was no obvious cause
It was not any one of the above
Yet it was all of them and more
LOVE IS THE SPICE OF LIFE
Love is the magical
Ingredient, seasoning an
Ordinary existence
LOVE IS TECHNICOLOR
Love is the element
Dispelling the blandness to
Bring colour to the world
Abiding Nature
EERIE MISTS
Eerie mists of the dawn
Hug the land like a cloak
Till they melt away
PINK CONFETTI
Dancing on the breeze
Cherry blossom pink confetti
Tells the spring tale
SUMMER RAIN
It rained an hour ago
Short and sharp
Now in its wake
The air is clean, fresh
Summers rich scent
Heavy in the evening air
And from the tree tops
Moving gently in the breeze
Undelivered rain drops fall
Like a maidens tears
EARLY MORN
Stepping into the garden,
The wet grass beneath my feet
Everywhere fresh with morning dew
The air honeysuckle sweet
The dew drops glistening,
The sunlight weakly warming
It’s so good to be alive
At the dawn of another morning
FLAKES OF GOLD
Dancing on the breeze
Magical flakes of gold
Tell the autumn tale
LINGERING AUTUMN
In the forest,
The skeletal trees
Herald winters imminent approach
But for now
The autumn lingers
But the fruiting brambles bushes
Will soon feel winters icy fingers
On the leaf carpeted floor
Life continues
And the forest creatures
Go about their work
For today it is still autumn
And tomorrow is another day
JACK FROST
On the north winds edge
Jack Frost rides the icy crest
And winter follows
NORTH WIND
The north wind blows in
Leaving winter in its wake
Till spring reawakens
FATHER FROST
Father Frost, with icy fingers
Holds winter in his frozen grasp
And spreads it wide across the land
Till it wears his thick winter cloak
WINTERS GRIP
The snow has settled on us
Like a shroud.
Each day growing deeper
Silence fills the emptiness of the landscape
But for the ghostly sound of the wind
High in the tree tops
The meadows and fields have vanished
The river flows mute beneath the ice
The next valley is unreachable
The mountains as unattainable as the Moon
But soon spring will release the land
From its icy captor
And the winter we be no more
Than remembered conversations
Beside the roaring hearth
Eerie mists of the dawn
Hug the land like a cloak
Till they melt away
PINK CONFETTI
Dancing on the breeze
Cherry blossom pink confetti
Tells the spring tale
SUMMER RAIN
It rained an hour ago
Short and sharp
Now in its wake
The air is clean, fresh
Summers rich scent
Heavy in the evening air
And from the tree tops
Moving gently in the breeze
Undelivered rain drops fall
Like a maidens tears
EARLY MORN
Stepping into the garden,
The wet grass beneath my feet
Everywhere fresh with morning dew
The air honeysuckle sweet
The dew drops glistening,
The sunlight weakly warming
It’s so good to be alive
At the dawn of another morning
FLAKES OF GOLD
Dancing on the breeze
Magical flakes of gold
Tell the autumn tale
LINGERING AUTUMN
In the forest,
The skeletal trees
Herald winters imminent approach
But for now
The autumn lingers
But the fruiting brambles bushes
Will soon feel winters icy fingers
On the leaf carpeted floor
Life continues
And the forest creatures
Go about their work
For today it is still autumn
And tomorrow is another day
JACK FROST
On the north winds edge
Jack Frost rides the icy crest
And winter follows
NORTH WIND
The north wind blows in
Leaving winter in its wake
Till spring reawakens
FATHER FROST
Father Frost, with icy fingers
Holds winter in his frozen grasp
And spreads it wide across the land
Till it wears his thick winter cloak
WINTERS GRIP
The snow has settled on us
Like a shroud.
Each day growing deeper
Silence fills the emptiness of the landscape
But for the ghostly sound of the wind
High in the tree tops
The meadows and fields have vanished
The river flows mute beneath the ice
The next valley is unreachable
The mountains as unattainable as the Moon
But soon spring will release the land
From its icy captor
And the winter we be no more
Than remembered conversations
Beside the roaring hearth
Thursday, 28 April 2011
PODS
Every one loves an iPod
A w x and y Pod
And an I say I say Pod
A meat and potato pie Pod
The all at sea aye aye Pod
The he made me cry Pod
And I’ve got to fly Pod
And the bye bye Pod
The I’m going to die Pod,
The my mate Dai Pod
The must keep it dry Pod
And the lady Di Pod,
The di diddly di Pod
The one in the eye Pod
The just for a guy Pod
And the Isle of Skye Pod
The bridge over the river Kwai Pod
The pig in his sty Pod
The vale of Wye Pod
And the Jamiroquai Pod
The Geordie why eye Pod
The Scottish ocheye Pod
The end is nigh Pod
And the x-ray eye Pod
The I can’t tell a lie Pod
The New Zealanders kai Pod
The I spy with my little iPod
Every one loves their iPod
A w x and y Pod
And an I say I say Pod
A meat and potato pie Pod
The all at sea aye aye Pod
The he made me cry Pod
And I’ve got to fly Pod
And the bye bye Pod
The I’m going to die Pod,
The my mate Dai Pod
The must keep it dry Pod
And the lady Di Pod,
The di diddly di Pod
The one in the eye Pod
The just for a guy Pod
And the Isle of Skye Pod
The bridge over the river Kwai Pod
The pig in his sty Pod
The vale of Wye Pod
And the Jamiroquai Pod
The Geordie why eye Pod
The Scottish ocheye Pod
The end is nigh Pod
And the x-ray eye Pod
The I can’t tell a lie Pod
The New Zealanders kai Pod
The I spy with my little iPod
Every one loves their iPod
NO MORE JUMPERS FOR GOAL POSTS
We didn’t think that life
Could get any better
We were young
Happy and content
Kicking footballs
Building carts
Climbing trees
Fishing in the pond
Swimming in the pool
Then they came along
Distracting us
With their undulations
Their cheap perfume
That seemed so exotic
Walking with their funny wiggles
Laughing with their girlish giggles
And the boyhood fun was over
No more jumpers for goal posts
No more war games in the woods
We still played in the woods
But then it was holding hands
Hugging and snogging
And playing with fun bumps
But no more jumpers for goal posts
Could get any better
We were young
Happy and content
Kicking footballs
Building carts
Climbing trees
Fishing in the pond
Swimming in the pool
Then they came along
Distracting us
With their undulations
Their cheap perfume
That seemed so exotic
Walking with their funny wiggles
Laughing with their girlish giggles
And the boyhood fun was over
No more jumpers for goal posts
No more war games in the woods
We still played in the woods
But then it was holding hands
Hugging and snogging
And playing with fun bumps
But no more jumpers for goal posts
WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE
WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 1
Walkers crisps should be forced to comply
With trade description legislation
And stop disappointing their customers
With their artificial flavourization
When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps
The refined palate of an epicurean
Would be gravely disappointed if they did not
Taste of Rambler, Hiker or Pedestrian
WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 2
Walkers crisps should be forced to comply
With trade description legislation
And stop disappointing their customers
With their artificial flavourization
When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps
The connoisseur would think it a mistake
If he was unable to detect the distinct flavour
Of sweaty cagoule and Kendal mint cake
Walkers crisps should be forced to comply
With trade description legislation
And stop disappointing their customers
With their artificial flavourization
When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps
The refined palate of an epicurean
Would be gravely disappointed if they did not
Taste of Rambler, Hiker or Pedestrian
WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 2
Walkers crisps should be forced to comply
With trade description legislation
And stop disappointing their customers
With their artificial flavourization
When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps
The connoisseur would think it a mistake
If he was unable to detect the distinct flavour
Of sweaty cagoule and Kendal mint cake
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
KISSING BY NUMBERS
KISS NUMBER ONE
The first nervous kiss,
When tentative
And hesitant lips
Lacking confidence
Lacking conviction
Miss their mark
And teeth collide
KISS NUMBER TWO
The second kiss
More eagerly awaited
Full of conviction
Yet over confident
Hearts race unchecked
When over eager lips
Engage like spaceships docking
And both parties forget to breathe
KISS NUMBER THREE
The third kiss
Is eager yet restrained
Slow yet purposeful
And when lips meet
Hearts start racing
But each moment is savoured
This kiss, though not life changing
Will be remembered
The first nervous kiss,
When tentative
And hesitant lips
Lacking confidence
Lacking conviction
Miss their mark
And teeth collide
KISS NUMBER TWO
The second kiss
More eagerly awaited
Full of conviction
Yet over confident
Hearts race unchecked
When over eager lips
Engage like spaceships docking
And both parties forget to breathe
KISS NUMBER THREE
The third kiss
Is eager yet restrained
Slow yet purposeful
And when lips meet
Hearts start racing
But each moment is savoured
This kiss, though not life changing
Will be remembered
DO YOU REMEMBER DANCING ALONG TO HARRY?
Do you remember?
When first we met
When we were set up
By our so called friends
Tony and Gwen,
Who quickly abandoned us?
A quick introduction
Then they were gone
Leaving us with each other
How awkward was that?
Being left with a complete stranger
You would never have chosen me
In a million years
And you were not my perfect choice
I had someone different in mind altogether
But their we were
Having to make small talk
With an unsuitable partner
Making do for the moment
While planning an escape
Then the music started
And I asked you to dance
You reluctantly agreed
I wasn’t bothered either way
I thought just one dance
Then I could desert you
With a clear conscience
Then just as we walked, hesitantly,
Onto the dance floor
The up tempo number ended abruptly
And for a moment there was nothing
Just the two of us feeling foolish
And wondering just how
We could leave the dance floor with our dignity
Then the music began again
And Harry Nilsson started to sing
We looked at each other briefly
And resigned ourselves to our fate
There was an awkward coming together
I gingerly put my arms around you
And we shuffled along to the music
Hoping that time would speed up
And the experience be over quickly
But as we danced along to Harry
The gap between us slowly decreased
Inch by inch until we were as one
And at that moment I felt at home
All thought of escape melted away
I never wanted to leave again
And now I wanted time to stand still
So the dance would never end
We hardly left the dance floor all evening
And when we did it was brief
So eager were we to return to our embrace
“Without you” was the song
That we first danced to
And I have not been without you since
When first we met
When we were set up
By our so called friends
Tony and Gwen,
Who quickly abandoned us?
A quick introduction
Then they were gone
Leaving us with each other
How awkward was that?
Being left with a complete stranger
You would never have chosen me
In a million years
And you were not my perfect choice
I had someone different in mind altogether
But their we were
Having to make small talk
With an unsuitable partner
Making do for the moment
While planning an escape
Then the music started
And I asked you to dance
You reluctantly agreed
I wasn’t bothered either way
I thought just one dance
Then I could desert you
With a clear conscience
Then just as we walked, hesitantly,
Onto the dance floor
The up tempo number ended abruptly
And for a moment there was nothing
Just the two of us feeling foolish
And wondering just how
We could leave the dance floor with our dignity
Then the music began again
And Harry Nilsson started to sing
We looked at each other briefly
And resigned ourselves to our fate
There was an awkward coming together
I gingerly put my arms around you
And we shuffled along to the music
Hoping that time would speed up
And the experience be over quickly
But as we danced along to Harry
The gap between us slowly decreased
Inch by inch until we were as one
And at that moment I felt at home
All thought of escape melted away
I never wanted to leave again
And now I wanted time to stand still
So the dance would never end
We hardly left the dance floor all evening
And when we did it was brief
So eager were we to return to our embrace
“Without you” was the song
That we first danced to
And I have not been without you since
A SULTRY SENSUAL SUMMER (A TEENAGE GIRL UNFULFILLED)
How I look back with regret
At that summer long ago
A sultry sensual summer
A time of sexual awakening
When I was on the threshold,
The blossoming of womanhood
And how I curse the time
I wasted on you
All those hours in your room
Listening to your music,
Your creative juices at work
Your incessant toe tapping
And finger clicking
To your tuneless efforts
Played on the out of tune guitar
That accompanied your juvenile
Angst ridden ramblings
“The music of your soul”
Was what you called it
God you were pretentious
Even for a teenager it was extreme
You were self obsessed,
Self regarding, self centred
Self absorbed, self deluded
Egocentric and narcissistic
In fact if the word
“Narcissism” hadn’t existed
They would have had to
Invent it just for you
If only you had realised
I wanted to make music with you
Raw unscripted passionate music
An ardent duet,
Fervently reprised
I had creative juices
I had creative juices to spare
I had a song of teenage want
About a frustrated nymphet
In lust with a pretentious musician
Who would rather finger his fret!!
Well I had urges
And I was left unsatisfied
By your excruciating folk
And your mournful dirges,
You called me your muse
Like I should be flattered
I didn’t want to be your muse
I wanted to be your groupie
I panted at you in desire
I dressed provocatively
I hinted at my lusty inclinations
I suggested you play my body
Like an instrument
But the sexual connotation,
Like everything else, was lost on you
And I remained unsullied
That sultry sensual summer long ago
At that summer long ago
A sultry sensual summer
A time of sexual awakening
When I was on the threshold,
The blossoming of womanhood
And how I curse the time
I wasted on you
All those hours in your room
Listening to your music,
Your creative juices at work
Your incessant toe tapping
And finger clicking
To your tuneless efforts
Played on the out of tune guitar
That accompanied your juvenile
Angst ridden ramblings
“The music of your soul”
Was what you called it
God you were pretentious
Even for a teenager it was extreme
You were self obsessed,
Self regarding, self centred
Self absorbed, self deluded
Egocentric and narcissistic
In fact if the word
“Narcissism” hadn’t existed
They would have had to
Invent it just for you
If only you had realised
I wanted to make music with you
Raw unscripted passionate music
An ardent duet,
Fervently reprised
I had creative juices
I had creative juices to spare
I had a song of teenage want
About a frustrated nymphet
In lust with a pretentious musician
Who would rather finger his fret!!
Well I had urges
And I was left unsatisfied
By your excruciating folk
And your mournful dirges,
You called me your muse
Like I should be flattered
I didn’t want to be your muse
I wanted to be your groupie
I panted at you in desire
I dressed provocatively
I hinted at my lusty inclinations
I suggested you play my body
Like an instrument
But the sexual connotation,
Like everything else, was lost on you
And I remained unsullied
That sultry sensual summer long ago
THIS MASQUERADE
When I reflect back
On our time together
People were amazed
By my patience
And my quiet resolve
To maintain,
The status quo.
Such forbearance
And fortitude
In the face
Of her constant betrayals
My endurance
And boundless tolerance
Astounded everyone
But to claim any virtue
Would be dishonest
Because it was so calculated
I was not blind
To her indiscretions.
And to our friends
My capacity for forgiveness
Seemed to far exceed
Her ability to shame me
But it was I
Who was the dishonest one
I maintained an air
Of cool dispassion
In an effort
To give her space
And freedom
So as not to drive her away
I wore the mask
Of the patient husband
But my noble efforts
Were in vain
As I appeared to her,
Merely indifferent
And I drove her away anyway
I should have been honest
True to my feelings
I should have discarded
All pretence
And removed the mask
On our time together
People were amazed
By my patience
And my quiet resolve
To maintain,
The status quo.
Such forbearance
And fortitude
In the face
Of her constant betrayals
My endurance
And boundless tolerance
Astounded everyone
But to claim any virtue
Would be dishonest
Because it was so calculated
I was not blind
To her indiscretions.
And to our friends
My capacity for forgiveness
Seemed to far exceed
Her ability to shame me
But it was I
Who was the dishonest one
I maintained an air
Of cool dispassion
In an effort
To give her space
And freedom
So as not to drive her away
I wore the mask
Of the patient husband
But my noble efforts
Were in vain
As I appeared to her,
Merely indifferent
And I drove her away anyway
I should have been honest
True to my feelings
I should have discarded
All pretence
And removed the mask
Monday, 11 April 2011
SEXUAL PREFERENCES
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 1
I have a favourite type of girl,
I love my ladies trim
Like Skinny Ginny
And Ultra slim Kim
I love them thin and bony
Not a hint of saggy
I like Scrawny Dawny
And Scraggy Maggie
Lovely Lean Jean
Or Slender Brenda
For the nearer the bone
Is sweetest and tender
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 2
I have a favourite type of girl,
Nothing wrong with that
I love my ladies ample
Like beautiful Fat pat
Also Porkus Dorcas
And Obese Louise,
Glandular Angela
Gives me a good squeeze
I love voluminous
I love them rounder
I love them full bodied
Because rounder is sounder
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 3
I don’t have a favourite,
I love them all
Shorty and sporty
Petite and tall
Dowdy and flashy
High and mighty
Shy and vivacious
Safe and flighty
I love Juicy Lucy
Smelly Kelly,
Scraggy Maggie
And Silly Millie
I love Gay Mei
And Straight Kate
Spotty Dotty
And Plain Jane’s great
So is Jolly Molly
Clingy thingy
Obese Louise
And Skinny Ginny
I love Boozey Suzie
Sweaty Betty and all
I love them long,
I love them short, I love them tall
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 4
I have a favourite type of girl,
But it’s not like I am facile
Nothing wrong with preferences
I just like my girls to be gracile
Sinuous and willowy
I don’t look for a pretty face
But they should have about them
Some elegance and grace
It takes the like of Nimble Kimble
Or the lovely Lithe Blythe
The aptly named Bendy Wendy
Or Lissom Blossom to feast my eyes
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 5
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Prayer Claire
And Lazy Daisy
Gaudy Maudie
And Crazy Maisy
I love Blue Sue
And Classy Darcy
Timid Ingrid
And Brassy Marcie
I love Shy Di
And Sullen Ellen
Beige Paige
And Barren Karen
I love Chipper Pippa
And Hairy Mary
All of them from homely
Too a little bit scary
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 6
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Grim Kim
And Moanie Toni
Henpecky Becky
And Naggy Maggie
I love Bella Stella
And Indie Lindy
Funny Honey
And Windy Cindy
I love Tarty Marti
And Burley Shirley
The Felon Helen
And that twirly girlie
I love Flabby Gabby
And Escapee Lee
Chardonnay Kay
And Meat free Fi
I love Prudy Judy
And Racy Macy
Pristine Christine
And Straight Lacy Tracy
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 7
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Neater Rita
And Nosy Rosie
Beggy Peggy
And Dozy Posy
I love Tatty Patty
And Singular Ingela
Tipsy Bitzi
And Glandular Angela
I love Naïve Neve
And Teaser Louisa
Taller Paula
And “Was a Geezer” Lisa
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 8
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Dirty Gerty
And Randy Mandy
Stern Fern
And Bandy Sandie
I love Bored Maud
And Doughy Zoë
Glam Sam
And Showy Chloe
I love Choice Joyce
And Petty Lettie
Frigid Ingrid
And Sweaty Betty
I love Intense Hortense
And Hot Dot
Any one of them
Will hit the spot
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 9
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Pally Sally
And Meaner Tina
Cranky Frankie
And Keener Meena
I love Messy Jesse
And Smiley Kylie
Tiara Clara
And Tidy Heidi
I love Buffy Duffy
And Flexi Alexie
Moanie Joanie
And Sexy Lexie
I love Irate Kate
And Funny Honey
Every one of them
Is on the money
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 10
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Totty Lottie
And Clammy Tammy
Fit Britt
And Whammy Pammy
I love Trixie Pixie
And Peculiar Julia
Able Sable
And Nuclear Petunia
I love Bossy Flossie
And Parley Carli
Silky Elkie
And Gnarly Charlie
I love Fond bond
And Nambi Bambi
Any one of them
Does it for me
I have a favourite type of girl,
I love my ladies trim
Like Skinny Ginny
And Ultra slim Kim
I love them thin and bony
Not a hint of saggy
I like Scrawny Dawny
And Scraggy Maggie
Lovely Lean Jean
Or Slender Brenda
For the nearer the bone
Is sweetest and tender
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 2
I have a favourite type of girl,
Nothing wrong with that
I love my ladies ample
Like beautiful Fat pat
Also Porkus Dorcas
And Obese Louise,
Glandular Angela
Gives me a good squeeze
I love voluminous
I love them rounder
I love them full bodied
Because rounder is sounder
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 3
I don’t have a favourite,
I love them all
Shorty and sporty
Petite and tall
Dowdy and flashy
High and mighty
Shy and vivacious
Safe and flighty
I love Juicy Lucy
Smelly Kelly,
Scraggy Maggie
And Silly Millie
I love Gay Mei
And Straight Kate
Spotty Dotty
And Plain Jane’s great
So is Jolly Molly
Clingy thingy
Obese Louise
And Skinny Ginny
I love Boozey Suzie
Sweaty Betty and all
I love them long,
I love them short, I love them tall
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 4
I have a favourite type of girl,
But it’s not like I am facile
Nothing wrong with preferences
I just like my girls to be gracile
Sinuous and willowy
I don’t look for a pretty face
But they should have about them
Some elegance and grace
It takes the like of Nimble Kimble
Or the lovely Lithe Blythe
The aptly named Bendy Wendy
Or Lissom Blossom to feast my eyes
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 5
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Prayer Claire
And Lazy Daisy
Gaudy Maudie
And Crazy Maisy
I love Blue Sue
And Classy Darcy
Timid Ingrid
And Brassy Marcie
I love Shy Di
And Sullen Ellen
Beige Paige
And Barren Karen
I love Chipper Pippa
And Hairy Mary
All of them from homely
Too a little bit scary
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 6
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Grim Kim
And Moanie Toni
Henpecky Becky
And Naggy Maggie
I love Bella Stella
And Indie Lindy
Funny Honey
And Windy Cindy
I love Tarty Marti
And Burley Shirley
The Felon Helen
And that twirly girlie
I love Flabby Gabby
And Escapee Lee
Chardonnay Kay
And Meat free Fi
I love Prudy Judy
And Racy Macy
Pristine Christine
And Straight Lacy Tracy
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 7
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Neater Rita
And Nosy Rosie
Beggy Peggy
And Dozy Posy
I love Tatty Patty
And Singular Ingela
Tipsy Bitzi
And Glandular Angela
I love Naïve Neve
And Teaser Louisa
Taller Paula
And “Was a Geezer” Lisa
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 8
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Dirty Gerty
And Randy Mandy
Stern Fern
And Bandy Sandie
I love Bored Maud
And Doughy Zoë
Glam Sam
And Showy Chloe
I love Choice Joyce
And Petty Lettie
Frigid Ingrid
And Sweaty Betty
I love Intense Hortense
And Hot Dot
Any one of them
Will hit the spot
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 9
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Pally Sally
And Meaner Tina
Cranky Frankie
And Keener Meena
I love Messy Jesse
And Smiley Kylie
Tiara Clara
And Tidy Heidi
I love Buffy Duffy
And Flexi Alexie
Moanie Joanie
And Sexy Lexie
I love Irate Kate
And Funny Honey
Every one of them
Is on the money
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 10
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Totty Lottie
And Clammy Tammy
Fit Britt
And Whammy Pammy
I love Trixie Pixie
And Peculiar Julia
Able Sable
And Nuclear Petunia
I love Bossy Flossie
And Parley Carli
Silky Elkie
And Gnarly Charlie
I love Fond bond
And Nambi Bambi
Any one of them
Does it for me
Friday, 1 April 2011
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 171 to 201
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
# 171
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And killed the man from the income tax
When she saw what she had done,
She went off to kill another one
# 172
Mary had a little horse
She rode bareback on her pony
But the little horse threw her off
Because her arse was bony
# 174
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
He was joined by his mate, they looked so twee
They sang their little songs quite lustily
Then I threw a shoe at them you see
Because I didn’t get to bed till half past three
# 175
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get a bone for her Poodle
When she came there,
The cupboard was bare,
Apart from an expired pot noodle
# 176
Lizzie Borden took a chopper
To use on her mother to top her
And the reason for the act you see
Was she made Lizzie eat her broccoli
# 177
Mary had a girl friend
Who dressed just like a man
And they spent their evenings
As only special girlfriends can
# 179
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
Then joined by his mate they looked so twee
So I shot them for being too damned happy
# 180
"Oranges and Lemons"
Say the Bells of St. Clements
“Shut the fuck up”
Say the Bells of 14 King William Street
# 181
Mary wore a little skirt
And she liked to go commando
And everyone from roundabout
Could see her down below
# 183
"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."
“You’re nicked then son”
Said Inspector Bird
From Scotland Yard
# 184
Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
How I hate runny noses
"A tissue! A tissue!"
Then throw it in the bin!
# 185
The big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
The ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh
Oh, the big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
Just off the coast of Somalia
# 186
A wise old owl
Lived in an oak
He kept to himself
And he seldom spoke
Now that’s what you want in a neighbour
# 187
Mary liked to sunbathe nude
She found it quite relaxing
But if anyone could see her
They would say she needed waxing
# 188
I had a little pony,
They called him Dapple-grey.
I gave him to my brother,
But he gave it away.
# 189
I had a little nut tree,
Nothing would it bear
- So I chopped it down
# 190
A wise old owl lived in an oak
He kept to himself and he seldom spoke
And I think that’s rather anti social
# 192
I had a little pony,
They called him Bonny Blue.
I sold him to a man,
Who turned him into glue.
# 193
Mary was a little tart
All the girls called her a ho
Because everyman in town
Had seen her down below
MES # 194
Three little kittens
They lost their mittens,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our mittens."
"What! Lost your mittens,
You silly kittens!
Don’t worry we’ll get some more from Primark
# 195
A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
And they will surely die
Because between me and you
They would spoil the BBQ
# 196
Cuckoo, cuckoo, what do you do?
Not much at all really
I’m a bit of a parasite
I turn up when things are on the up
I let others raise my young
Then I go home when the food runs out
I’m the avian equivalent
Of an economic migrant
# 197
I saw a ship a-sailing,
A-sailing on the sea.
And, oh, but it was laden
With pretty things for thee
There were comfits in the cabin,
And apples in the hold;
But the ship was taken
By Somali pirates bold
# 198
Handy spandy Jack-a-dandy
Loves plum cake and sugar candy,
He bought some at the grocers shop
Because of the sugar rush he can’t stop
# 199
In the merry month of May
When green leaves begin to spring,
Little lambs do skip like fairies
And lovers do couple, to do their thing
# 200
Little Betty Blue
Lost her holiday shoe:
What can little Betty do?
Don’t tell her mother
She’s been doing the other
And she’s lost more than her shoe
# 201
Three little kitties
They lost their skimpies,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our skimpies."
"What! Lost your skimpies,
You silly kitties!
That’s the third time this month
# 171
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And killed the man from the income tax
When she saw what she had done,
She went off to kill another one
# 172
Mary had a little horse
She rode bareback on her pony
But the little horse threw her off
Because her arse was bony
# 174
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
He was joined by his mate, they looked so twee
They sang their little songs quite lustily
Then I threw a shoe at them you see
Because I didn’t get to bed till half past three
# 175
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get a bone for her Poodle
When she came there,
The cupboard was bare,
Apart from an expired pot noodle
# 176
Lizzie Borden took a chopper
To use on her mother to top her
And the reason for the act you see
Was she made Lizzie eat her broccoli
# 177
Mary had a girl friend
Who dressed just like a man
And they spent their evenings
As only special girlfriends can
# 179
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
Then joined by his mate they looked so twee
So I shot them for being too damned happy
# 180
"Oranges and Lemons"
Say the Bells of St. Clements
“Shut the fuck up”
Say the Bells of 14 King William Street
# 181
Mary wore a little skirt
And she liked to go commando
And everyone from roundabout
Could see her down below
# 183
"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."
“You’re nicked then son”
Said Inspector Bird
From Scotland Yard
# 184
Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
How I hate runny noses
"A tissue! A tissue!"
Then throw it in the bin!
# 185
The big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
The ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh
Oh, the big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
Just off the coast of Somalia
# 186
A wise old owl
Lived in an oak
He kept to himself
And he seldom spoke
Now that’s what you want in a neighbour
# 187
Mary liked to sunbathe nude
She found it quite relaxing
But if anyone could see her
They would say she needed waxing
# 188
I had a little pony,
They called him Dapple-grey.
I gave him to my brother,
But he gave it away.
# 189
I had a little nut tree,
Nothing would it bear
- So I chopped it down
# 190
A wise old owl lived in an oak
He kept to himself and he seldom spoke
And I think that’s rather anti social
# 192
I had a little pony,
They called him Bonny Blue.
I sold him to a man,
Who turned him into glue.
# 193
Mary was a little tart
All the girls called her a ho
Because everyman in town
Had seen her down below
MES # 194
Three little kittens
They lost their mittens,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our mittens."
"What! Lost your mittens,
You silly kittens!
Don’t worry we’ll get some more from Primark
# 195
A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
And they will surely die
Because between me and you
They would spoil the BBQ
# 196
Cuckoo, cuckoo, what do you do?
Not much at all really
I’m a bit of a parasite
I turn up when things are on the up
I let others raise my young
Then I go home when the food runs out
I’m the avian equivalent
Of an economic migrant
# 197
I saw a ship a-sailing,
A-sailing on the sea.
And, oh, but it was laden
With pretty things for thee
There were comfits in the cabin,
And apples in the hold;
But the ship was taken
By Somali pirates bold
# 198
Handy spandy Jack-a-dandy
Loves plum cake and sugar candy,
He bought some at the grocers shop
Because of the sugar rush he can’t stop
# 199
In the merry month of May
When green leaves begin to spring,
Little lambs do skip like fairies
And lovers do couple, to do their thing
# 200
Little Betty Blue
Lost her holiday shoe:
What can little Betty do?
Don’t tell her mother
She’s been doing the other
And she’s lost more than her shoe
# 201
Three little kitties
They lost their skimpies,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our skimpies."
"What! Lost your skimpies,
You silly kitties!
That’s the third time this month
Friday, 18 March 2011
THAT’S A RELIEF
I was arrested in my local paper shop today
And taken to the nearest station without delay
I had masturbated over a copy of the Beano
But as it was for Comic Relief the police let me go
And taken to the nearest station without delay
I had masturbated over a copy of the Beano
But as it was for Comic Relief the police let me go
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
LEG MAN
It begins with a cursory glance
Long before the beguiling smile
Or the girlish giggle,
Or the flick of the head
That makes her hair dance
Somewhere between the appraisal of a shapely leg
And the curiosity of what lay hidden
And you are smitten
And while your defences are down
It tiptoes into your heart almost unnoticed
It whispers into your brain.
And touches your soul
Then you are in love
And lost to reason
All for the glance of a shapely leg
Long before the beguiling smile
Or the girlish giggle,
Or the flick of the head
That makes her hair dance
Somewhere between the appraisal of a shapely leg
And the curiosity of what lay hidden
And you are smitten
And while your defences are down
It tiptoes into your heart almost unnoticed
It whispers into your brain.
And touches your soul
Then you are in love
And lost to reason
All for the glance of a shapely leg
WAS IT DESTINY?
Was it destiny?
Or an act of providence
That wove the threads
On the eternal tapestry
What twist of fate?
What unseen hand
Rolled the fateful die
That moved us on our paths
What unseen gamer
Steered my avatar to yours
For what reason
Did the fates conspire?
To cross our paths
To bind our souls
What great celestial clock
Struck time
And brought us both to this place
To this time
To each other
Who must we thank?
Or an act of providence
That wove the threads
On the eternal tapestry
What twist of fate?
What unseen hand
Rolled the fateful die
That moved us on our paths
What unseen gamer
Steered my avatar to yours
For what reason
Did the fates conspire?
To cross our paths
To bind our souls
What great celestial clock
Struck time
And brought us both to this place
To this time
To each other
Who must we thank?
BLACKBERRY CAT, RIP
BLACKBERRY CAT, RIP
BLACKBERRY 07/09/1991 to 04/11/2010
No more will I hear
Your most contented purr
That made you dribble on your fur
No more will I be greeted at the door
By your hello meow
No more will you pirouette around my feet
And perform your excited meal time dance
No more will you curl up on my lap
While I watch TV
No more will you curl up on the bed
When I go to sleep
Never again will I wake up
To hear your morning purr
For you have no more mornings
While you sleep your eternal sleep
You were more than a cat
You were a welcoming friend
A quiet companion
You were a constant
And I will miss you Blackberry
BLACKBERRY 07/09/1991 to 04/11/2010
No more will I hear
Your most contented purr
That made you dribble on your fur
No more will I be greeted at the door
By your hello meow
No more will you pirouette around my feet
And perform your excited meal time dance
No more will you curl up on my lap
While I watch TV
No more will you curl up on the bed
When I go to sleep
Never again will I wake up
To hear your morning purr
For you have no more mornings
While you sleep your eternal sleep
You were more than a cat
You were a welcoming friend
A quiet companion
You were a constant
And I will miss you Blackberry
ANY OLD PORT IN A STORM
I was stranded and lonely with time to kill
And I was looking for someone to cure my ill
They told me about the only available “miss”
Who went by the unkind name of ugly Agnes
“Left on the shelf, plain as a pike as a staff”
“Facing the wall” he said followed by a laugh
I figured she’d be better than nothing at all
The girl left on the shelf, facing the wall
They gave me some direction to follow
Where I crept to and peeked in the window
I spied her in the candle lights flicker
Legs akimbo showing a glimpse of knicker
This old maid, who’d been left on the shelf
Was sat home alone pleasuring herself
There was nothing homely about this old maid
As she caressed herself and erotically played
And as I watched her deft self seduction
I was anxious to make my introduction
Outside I banged hard on the front door
Inside I banged her hard on the floor
But the savage and primeval union
Led to a more tender sensual communion
What had begun as “any old port in a storm”
Ended with me proud to stay till the dawn
Now I often get stranded with time to kill
And I know where to go to cure my ill
The local call her Ugly Agnes or Plain Jane
But I go to love her again and again
And I was looking for someone to cure my ill
They told me about the only available “miss”
Who went by the unkind name of ugly Agnes
“Left on the shelf, plain as a pike as a staff”
“Facing the wall” he said followed by a laugh
I figured she’d be better than nothing at all
The girl left on the shelf, facing the wall
They gave me some direction to follow
Where I crept to and peeked in the window
I spied her in the candle lights flicker
Legs akimbo showing a glimpse of knicker
This old maid, who’d been left on the shelf
Was sat home alone pleasuring herself
There was nothing homely about this old maid
As she caressed herself and erotically played
And as I watched her deft self seduction
I was anxious to make my introduction
Outside I banged hard on the front door
Inside I banged her hard on the floor
But the savage and primeval union
Led to a more tender sensual communion
What had begun as “any old port in a storm”
Ended with me proud to stay till the dawn
Now I often get stranded with time to kill
And I know where to go to cure my ill
The local call her Ugly Agnes or Plain Jane
But I go to love her again and again
RMS TITANIC
The finest ship of the White Star Line,
Titanic majestically sailed the brine
A floating palace of opulence
A thing of beauty and elegance
But beauty is but a fragile veneer
And conceals a truth more austere
Into the depths Europe’s poor, are thrust
Travelling in steerage like human ballast
The iceberg cut her stem to stern
But at first no one showed concern
Except the poor below the waterline
Where it quickly filled with Icy brine
“Only God himself could sink her”
It was claimed by an unknown author
The Titanic promoted by J. Bruce Ismay
Quickly sank to his utter dismay
Titanic majestically sailed the brine
A floating palace of opulence
A thing of beauty and elegance
But beauty is but a fragile veneer
And conceals a truth more austere
Into the depths Europe’s poor, are thrust
Travelling in steerage like human ballast
The iceberg cut her stem to stern
But at first no one showed concern
Except the poor below the waterline
Where it quickly filled with Icy brine
“Only God himself could sink her”
It was claimed by an unknown author
The Titanic promoted by J. Bruce Ismay
Quickly sank to his utter dismay
THE SOUND OF SILENCE
When we first started dating
I had no expectation of forever
I was content with the immediate
And enjoyed each moment with her
All the mundane chatter
And flirtatious wordplay
Leading to the longing looks
And the sentimental words of love
Back then time evaporated,
Hours seeming to pass in seconds
And in all those moments
Precluding our life together
The one thing we never had was silence
But that was then and this is now
And now the silence deafens me
No more chatter
Words are used miserly
As if endowed with great value
And not to be wasted
On flirtation or sentiment
Words, when used, now bite
With venomous spite
Moments now last an eternity
Clocks that once seemed to race through time
Run now in slow motion
Her contemptuous looks wither me
Longing now for my extinction
I had no expectation of forever
I was content with the immediate
And enjoyed each moment with her
All the mundane chatter
And flirtatious wordplay
Leading to the longing looks
And the sentimental words of love
Back then time evaporated,
Hours seeming to pass in seconds
And in all those moments
Precluding our life together
The one thing we never had was silence
But that was then and this is now
And now the silence deafens me
No more chatter
Words are used miserly
As if endowed with great value
And not to be wasted
On flirtation or sentiment
Words, when used, now bite
With venomous spite
Moments now last an eternity
Clocks that once seemed to race through time
Run now in slow motion
Her contemptuous looks wither me
Longing now for my extinction
SEPARATE
Sleeping separate nights
Living separate days
We live separate lives
Let’s go our separate ways
Living separate days
We live separate lives
Let’s go our separate ways
ABIGAILS TALE - ONE DAY VERY SOON
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into a sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home
She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time a letter arrives from home
With news from those she left behind
Her parents, loving and kind
Her sister annoyingly lovely
All her friends of long standing
And of course him
She left her home town
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage failed
So she is building a new life
Away from the people and places
Away from all the familiarity
That reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies
So she lives in a new town
And is making new friends
Discovering new familiar places
And trying to forget past mistakes
She has joined a new church
Where her angels voice
Sings in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself
One day very soon Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into a sofa
And not be homesick and sad
One day very soon Abigail will read
A long letter from home
And smile at it contents
And not feel the old pain strike
One day very soon
Abigail will let herself be happy
One day very soon
Abigail will forgive herself
Nestled into a sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home
She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time a letter arrives from home
With news from those she left behind
Her parents, loving and kind
Her sister annoyingly lovely
All her friends of long standing
And of course him
She left her home town
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage failed
So she is building a new life
Away from the people and places
Away from all the familiarity
That reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies
So she lives in a new town
And is making new friends
Discovering new familiar places
And trying to forget past mistakes
She has joined a new church
Where her angels voice
Sings in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself
One day very soon Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into a sofa
And not be homesick and sad
One day very soon Abigail will read
A long letter from home
And smile at it contents
And not feel the old pain strike
One day very soon
Abigail will let herself be happy
One day very soon
Abigail will forgive herself
MORNING DELIVERY
The sun slips beyond the horizon
Like a letter slips into an envelope
Where it will stay until the dawn
When the envelope reopens
Spilling its contents into the sky
Brightening the world
Lifting the heart with its delivery
Like a missive from a loved one
Like a letter slips into an envelope
Where it will stay until the dawn
When the envelope reopens
Spilling its contents into the sky
Brightening the world
Lifting the heart with its delivery
Like a missive from a loved one
TAKING OFFENCE
People are so easily offended today
This is quite ironic really
As due to political correctness
We are censored so heavily
And with all the sanitising
There is so little opportunity
But those who do take offence
Fall into three distinct categories
Firstly, the genuinely offended
Those who feel the detriment,
Whose opinion is seldom heard
Unless it’s politically expedient
Second, the white middle class heterosexuals
Who like to be offended on others behalf
And are particularly suspicious
At anything that gets a laugh
Thirdly, come the professionals
Those who get offended for a living
They frequent the morning TV sofas
And are relentlessly unforgiving
The professionals feel no offence
But find their roles financially fulfilling
They will take umbrage for anyone
Just to earn another shilling
Even worse however is anticipated offence
Those who want to act just in case
Some unspeakable offence may be caused
If things are unchanged or left in place
The original intention may well have been
That a better society was planned
But what they have managed to do instead
Is to make the world more bland
This is quite ironic really
As due to political correctness
We are censored so heavily
And with all the sanitising
There is so little opportunity
But those who do take offence
Fall into three distinct categories
Firstly, the genuinely offended
Those who feel the detriment,
Whose opinion is seldom heard
Unless it’s politically expedient
Second, the white middle class heterosexuals
Who like to be offended on others behalf
And are particularly suspicious
At anything that gets a laugh
Thirdly, come the professionals
Those who get offended for a living
They frequent the morning TV sofas
And are relentlessly unforgiving
The professionals feel no offence
But find their roles financially fulfilling
They will take umbrage for anyone
Just to earn another shilling
Even worse however is anticipated offence
Those who want to act just in case
Some unspeakable offence may be caused
If things are unchanged or left in place
The original intention may well have been
That a better society was planned
But what they have managed to do instead
Is to make the world more bland
DEAR LOST AND FOUND
Dear lost and found
Can you please assist?
Lost – one heart
In poor general condition
Broken repeatedly
Repaired shoddily
(Too many times to count)
It is a good heart
Generous in proportion
True and steady
Not of fickle disposition
A trusting heart
A heart given freely
Last possessed by Julie
Heart was last seen
Being trodden underfoot
By previous keeper
Can you please assist?
Lost – one heart
In poor general condition
Broken repeatedly
Repaired shoddily
(Too many times to count)
It is a good heart
Generous in proportion
True and steady
Not of fickle disposition
A trusting heart
A heart given freely
Last possessed by Julie
Heart was last seen
Being trodden underfoot
By previous keeper
EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
You always feel like
A Sunflower amidst the Daffodils
A Thistle among the Tulips
Out of place, unsightly
You see yourself
As the ugly duckling
But who never transformed
Into the beautiful swan
You feel ugly and at odds
Ungainly and ungraceful
How wrong you are
To me you are perfection
You should feel like
You are a Rose amidst Cabbages
An Orchid among Daises
In pride of place, radiant
I see you as
The beautiful signet
Who was transformed
Into a beautiful graceful swan
That’s how I see you
An angel from the host
A goddess among mortals
Whom I shall forever worship
A Sunflower amidst the Daffodils
A Thistle among the Tulips
Out of place, unsightly
You see yourself
As the ugly duckling
But who never transformed
Into the beautiful swan
You feel ugly and at odds
Ungainly and ungraceful
How wrong you are
To me you are perfection
You should feel like
You are a Rose amidst Cabbages
An Orchid among Daises
In pride of place, radiant
I see you as
The beautiful signet
Who was transformed
Into a beautiful graceful swan
That’s how I see you
An angel from the host
A goddess among mortals
Whom I shall forever worship
THE HOST OF STREET ANGELS
Spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
A host of angels on the beat
Where the folk of Woking meet
Armed only with Gods light
To illuminate those in plight
But not to preach or evangelise
Nor to judge or chastise
But to listen with sympathetic ears
Offer a tissue to stem the tears
Have a Christian heart to care
And make a difference there
For road weary travellers
And over enthusiastic revellers
The intoxicated and the incapable
The distressed and the vulnerable
And for the impromptu shoeless
And the temporarily clueless
They have sensible Flip flops
And sugar boosting Lollipops
So spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
And their blessed presence on the street
Shows that God is on his feet
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
A host of angels on the beat
Where the folk of Woking meet
Armed only with Gods light
To illuminate those in plight
But not to preach or evangelise
Nor to judge or chastise
But to listen with sympathetic ears
Offer a tissue to stem the tears
Have a Christian heart to care
And make a difference there
For road weary travellers
And over enthusiastic revellers
The intoxicated and the incapable
The distressed and the vulnerable
And for the impromptu shoeless
And the temporarily clueless
They have sensible Flip flops
And sugar boosting Lollipops
So spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
And their blessed presence on the street
Shows that God is on his feet
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
ANOTHER MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR
TAKEN ITS TOLL
I don’t have a bell to ring
Someone’s taken my dingaling
I don’t know what’s wrong
Someone has taken my dong
I don’t know why the bloody hell
I can’t seem to ring my bell
I know the batteries haven’t run out
It’s not old and clapped out
So I’m at a loss to explain
Why I’m out here in the pouring rain
Now wait a moment that’s not right
It should be visible an LED light
Now that really is quite odd
It’s gone, some thieving little sod
Has stolen the bell push off the door
Light and all, to be seen no more
So I don’t have a bell to ring
As someone’s stolen my dingaling
A CALCULATED DECISION
Miss Armitage entered Calculus class
To stand amidst a disorderly eruption
And she immediately confiscated a catapult
Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption
TENSE TRAVELLER
I just returned yesterday
From the town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham
KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY
I have to say my heart was gladdened
When I heard Katie Melua sing
China has obviously come a long way
If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing
ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE
Goals scored in the premiership
Reached record numbers on Saturday
But that’s what happens when you hold
An EDL rally on the same day
EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1
You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to make it
A regular thing
CLEANING HOUSE
My wife and I went up to the loft the other day
And I cleaned it with her while we were there
But oh dear now there is all hell to pay
As I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair
MEDICAL PRACTICE
I refuse to go to the local doctors,
A medical practice part of the NHS
And I know beggars can’t be choosers
But they can practice on somebody else
TAKEN AT THE FLOOD
As I stand by the placid waters
Watching as the evening sky glows
I ask myself the question
Why didn't Noah kill the two mosquitoes?
OH YES HE IS
On stage at the Victoria
The lad playing Aladdin
Was attacked from behind
But the audience tried to warn him
THE CORRECT SOLUTION
I was caught stealing Tippex
You know, the liquid correction solution
Well my employer pressed charges
And I was sent to a correctional institution
THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD
Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote
In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner
Spend a fortune on ACME products
Every all singing, all dancing, must have winner
If he had all that money to burn
He could just have paid for his dinner
SELF ANALYSIS
Are you clinically obese?
Is your alcohol intake quite scary?
Do you like to dress up as a woman?
Then eat, drink and be Mary
HELP LINE # 3
I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having my condition assuaged
But try as I might it was always engaged
THE LOUD MINORITY
People today are so self obsessed
So wrapped up in themselves
Banging on about THEIR rights
THEIR civil liberties THEIR freedoms
They have forgotten about the people
Who fought and died to win them
DOCTOR MANNERS
Elsie went to see her doctor
Because of persistent back pain
The doctor was less than sympathetic
Having to examine her again
“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before
Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”
Elsie demanded a second opinion
He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”
THE LATEST FAD
I’ve been on every diet known to man
Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan
And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention
But I try every new one, full of good intention
Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady
And do you know I've lost three days already.
GO WAYNE
“Wayne, go to the paper shop”
“Wayne? Go to the paper shop”
“Cant do it babe, it can’t be done”
“Wayne, just get off your bum”
“Cant be done babe, I can’t do it”
“Wayne just do it you lazy git”
“I’m not being lazy babe honestly”
“It just can’t be done babe really”
“Coz I went to the paper shop yesterday
And it had blown away”
SWEET GIRL
Ahla was very cute and sweet
And she worked at the sweetshop
An appropriate occupation
For such a confection
I asked her out one day
And too my surprise she said yes
But on our first date I found
She was not so cute and sweet
But was rather deliciously sinful
And she gave me a proper treat
But I wasn’t the first to dip his liquorice
In that particular fountain
Every lad with a sweet tooth
Had sampled her pick and mix
Even the oldies with a taste for soft centres
Had tried her Turkish delight
But I didn’t mind sharing
After all a bag of candy goes a long way
But I had to draw the line
When I heard about Bertie Bassett
With whom she did Allsorts
DIVORCE IS..... # 1
Divorce is…
Cathartic, purification
Therapeutically purgative
Like colonic irrigation
CORNERING THE MARKET
The corner shop has reopened
It’s been closed for a bit
It’s got new owners
And they’ve had a refit
I’m not sure if it will succeed
It’s a bit of a niche market
But there’s a new corner shop
So I thought I would try it
I told them “It’s a bit specialized”
I felt it only fare to warn her
And it’s called “the corner shop”
I just bought the four corners
I don’t have a bell to ring
Someone’s taken my dingaling
I don’t know what’s wrong
Someone has taken my dong
I don’t know why the bloody hell
I can’t seem to ring my bell
I know the batteries haven’t run out
It’s not old and clapped out
So I’m at a loss to explain
Why I’m out here in the pouring rain
Now wait a moment that’s not right
It should be visible an LED light
Now that really is quite odd
It’s gone, some thieving little sod
Has stolen the bell push off the door
Light and all, to be seen no more
So I don’t have a bell to ring
As someone’s stolen my dingaling
A CALCULATED DECISION
Miss Armitage entered Calculus class
To stand amidst a disorderly eruption
And she immediately confiscated a catapult
Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption
TENSE TRAVELLER
I just returned yesterday
From the town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham
KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY
I have to say my heart was gladdened
When I heard Katie Melua sing
China has obviously come a long way
If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing
ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE
Goals scored in the premiership
Reached record numbers on Saturday
But that’s what happens when you hold
An EDL rally on the same day
EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1
You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to make it
A regular thing
CLEANING HOUSE
My wife and I went up to the loft the other day
And I cleaned it with her while we were there
But oh dear now there is all hell to pay
As I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair
MEDICAL PRACTICE
I refuse to go to the local doctors,
A medical practice part of the NHS
And I know beggars can’t be choosers
But they can practice on somebody else
TAKEN AT THE FLOOD
As I stand by the placid waters
Watching as the evening sky glows
I ask myself the question
Why didn't Noah kill the two mosquitoes?
OH YES HE IS
On stage at the Victoria
The lad playing Aladdin
Was attacked from behind
But the audience tried to warn him
THE CORRECT SOLUTION
I was caught stealing Tippex
You know, the liquid correction solution
Well my employer pressed charges
And I was sent to a correctional institution
THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD
Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote
In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner
Spend a fortune on ACME products
Every all singing, all dancing, must have winner
If he had all that money to burn
He could just have paid for his dinner
SELF ANALYSIS
Are you clinically obese?
Is your alcohol intake quite scary?
Do you like to dress up as a woman?
Then eat, drink and be Mary
HELP LINE # 3
I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having my condition assuaged
But try as I might it was always engaged
THE LOUD MINORITY
People today are so self obsessed
So wrapped up in themselves
Banging on about THEIR rights
THEIR civil liberties THEIR freedoms
They have forgotten about the people
Who fought and died to win them
DOCTOR MANNERS
Elsie went to see her doctor
Because of persistent back pain
The doctor was less than sympathetic
Having to examine her again
“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before
Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”
Elsie demanded a second opinion
He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”
THE LATEST FAD
I’ve been on every diet known to man
Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan
And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention
But I try every new one, full of good intention
Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady
And do you know I've lost three days already.
GO WAYNE
“Wayne, go to the paper shop”
“Wayne? Go to the paper shop”
“Cant do it babe, it can’t be done”
“Wayne, just get off your bum”
“Cant be done babe, I can’t do it”
“Wayne just do it you lazy git”
“I’m not being lazy babe honestly”
“It just can’t be done babe really”
“Coz I went to the paper shop yesterday
And it had blown away”
SWEET GIRL
Ahla was very cute and sweet
And she worked at the sweetshop
An appropriate occupation
For such a confection
I asked her out one day
And too my surprise she said yes
But on our first date I found
She was not so cute and sweet
But was rather deliciously sinful
And she gave me a proper treat
But I wasn’t the first to dip his liquorice
In that particular fountain
Every lad with a sweet tooth
Had sampled her pick and mix
Even the oldies with a taste for soft centres
Had tried her Turkish delight
But I didn’t mind sharing
After all a bag of candy goes a long way
But I had to draw the line
When I heard about Bertie Bassett
With whom she did Allsorts
DIVORCE IS..... # 1
Divorce is…
Cathartic, purification
Therapeutically purgative
Like colonic irrigation
CORNERING THE MARKET
The corner shop has reopened
It’s been closed for a bit
It’s got new owners
And they’ve had a refit
I’m not sure if it will succeed
It’s a bit of a niche market
But there’s a new corner shop
So I thought I would try it
I told them “It’s a bit specialized”
I felt it only fare to warn her
And it’s called “the corner shop”
I just bought the four corners
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
A MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR
HOUSEWIFE
When I used to leave the house
I kissed my wife goodbye
Now as I leave my wife
I have kissed the house goodbye
LOOSE MORALS #1
She was without her knickers at Twickers
There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch
There was a blushing fellow at flushing meadow
When she was legs akimbo in the limo
PHILOSOPHICAL REMINDER
Even though hurting you
Is the very last thing I want to do
Not to tell you this would be remiss
It is still on the list.
CONDOM
In the Middle Ages
The condom was invented
Using a goat's lower intestine
So pregnancy could be prevented
It was an innovation of its time
But birth rates were un-dented
So a simple modification was made
Resulting in a drop in births
They simply removed the intestine
From the goat first
HELP LINE # 2
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
But I was extremely disappointed to be told
By the disembodied voice that I should hold
SOLICITING
A lady of the night
Was arrested by a cop
For selling herself
At a busy, truck stop
“I am not selling myself”
She told her accuser
“I am selling condoms
With a free applicator”
LOOSE MORALS # 2
She showed all her bits in Biarritz
She went all the way in St Tropez
When she got hot on a yacht
And got bare arsed before the mast
BIRTH DEFECT
A woman gave birth to a baby
And knew instantly that it was not right
“What’s wrong?” She asked the doctor
He said “your child is a hermaphrodite”
The woman had no idea what that was
But knew from his demeanour, it wasn’t good
The doctor hesitated before speaking
“It means the baby has more organs than it should”
“The baby is equipped as a man and a woman”
The doctor had to further explain
Before the woman finally understood
“You mean the baby has a penis and a brain”?
A PINCH OF SALT
Take life with a pinch of salt
So the old adage goes
So follow the advice
Take it from one who knows
Take life with a pinch of salt
Take it from a wise fella
Just follow it with a slice of lemon
And a good shot of tequila
SENIOR TRUTH
If I must tell the truth about getting old,
Then I shall put all my cards on the table
Even when I’m naked I still want to
Slip into something more comfortable
NOT PAYING ATTENSION
I was only half listening to the radio
So I’m not sure if I heard right
But I think the gist of it was
“Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite”
I think it was the weather forecast,
Meaning “Persistent rain but occasionally bright”
LOOSE MORALS # 3
There was some show n tell at the hotel
When she showed her tits in St Kitts
She was asked to leave would you beleive
So she showed them again on the plane
IN MY GHIA
Wherever I drive my Ford Ghia
Whether it be far of near
No matter if the roads are clear
In my mirror to the rear
A BMW’s Teutonic sneer
Will almost always appear
SEX EDUCATION 101
Peaches told her mother when she got home
Tommy showed me his willy at school today
The mother in shocked silence heard her continue
"It reminded me of a peanut in a way”
The mother relaxed a little with this addition
As it was not the answer for which she was braced
“Is that because it was really, really small”?
Peaches replied, "No because it had a salty taste”
ERIC THE CLERIC
Atmospheric Eric
An evangelical cleric
Was highly esoteric
And was quite mesmeric
But the atmospheric cleric
Was prone to the hysteric
And like his father Derek
Became a bedlam cleric
LOOSE MORALS # 4
She made women chatter at the regatta
But she made men quiver on the river
And when she was floating in a punt
There was absolutely nothing to see
PHILOSOPHICAL HAPPINESS
The truth of the matter is I guess
That some folk cause happiness
Some cause it wherever they go
While with others it’s whenever they go
When I used to leave the house
I kissed my wife goodbye
Now as I leave my wife
I have kissed the house goodbye
LOOSE MORALS #1
She was without her knickers at Twickers
There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch
There was a blushing fellow at flushing meadow
When she was legs akimbo in the limo
PHILOSOPHICAL REMINDER
Even though hurting you
Is the very last thing I want to do
Not to tell you this would be remiss
It is still on the list.
CONDOM
In the Middle Ages
The condom was invented
Using a goat's lower intestine
So pregnancy could be prevented
It was an innovation of its time
But birth rates were un-dented
So a simple modification was made
Resulting in a drop in births
They simply removed the intestine
From the goat first
HELP LINE # 2
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
But I was extremely disappointed to be told
By the disembodied voice that I should hold
SOLICITING
A lady of the night
Was arrested by a cop
For selling herself
At a busy, truck stop
“I am not selling myself”
She told her accuser
“I am selling condoms
With a free applicator”
LOOSE MORALS # 2
She showed all her bits in Biarritz
She went all the way in St Tropez
When she got hot on a yacht
And got bare arsed before the mast
BIRTH DEFECT
A woman gave birth to a baby
And knew instantly that it was not right
“What’s wrong?” She asked the doctor
He said “your child is a hermaphrodite”
The woman had no idea what that was
But knew from his demeanour, it wasn’t good
The doctor hesitated before speaking
“It means the baby has more organs than it should”
“The baby is equipped as a man and a woman”
The doctor had to further explain
Before the woman finally understood
“You mean the baby has a penis and a brain”?
A PINCH OF SALT
Take life with a pinch of salt
So the old adage goes
So follow the advice
Take it from one who knows
Take life with a pinch of salt
Take it from a wise fella
Just follow it with a slice of lemon
And a good shot of tequila
SENIOR TRUTH
If I must tell the truth about getting old,
Then I shall put all my cards on the table
Even when I’m naked I still want to
Slip into something more comfortable
NOT PAYING ATTENSION
I was only half listening to the radio
So I’m not sure if I heard right
But I think the gist of it was
“Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite”
I think it was the weather forecast,
Meaning “Persistent rain but occasionally bright”
LOOSE MORALS # 3
There was some show n tell at the hotel
When she showed her tits in St Kitts
She was asked to leave would you beleive
So she showed them again on the plane
IN MY GHIA
Wherever I drive my Ford Ghia
Whether it be far of near
No matter if the roads are clear
In my mirror to the rear
A BMW’s Teutonic sneer
Will almost always appear
SEX EDUCATION 101
Peaches told her mother when she got home
Tommy showed me his willy at school today
The mother in shocked silence heard her continue
"It reminded me of a peanut in a way”
The mother relaxed a little with this addition
As it was not the answer for which she was braced
“Is that because it was really, really small”?
Peaches replied, "No because it had a salty taste”
ERIC THE CLERIC
Atmospheric Eric
An evangelical cleric
Was highly esoteric
And was quite mesmeric
But the atmospheric cleric
Was prone to the hysteric
And like his father Derek
Became a bedlam cleric
LOOSE MORALS # 4
She made women chatter at the regatta
But she made men quiver on the river
And when she was floating in a punt
There was absolutely nothing to see
PHILOSOPHICAL HAPPINESS
The truth of the matter is I guess
That some folk cause happiness
Some cause it wherever they go
While with others it’s whenever they go
Friday, 11 February 2011
LOVE IS.....
Love is…
The beginning
And the end
And everything in between
Love is…
Taking moments
And making memories
Together
Love is…
The unspoken,
The unwritten,
All the things
We don’t have to say
Love is…
The golden thread
Binding us together
Love is…
The mundane,
The ordinary
And the everyday
Made extraordinary
Love is…
Not making promises
Its keeping them
Love is…
Being comfortable
With each other
Even in the silence
Love is…
Is a dream fulfilled
Or a wish come true
Love is…
Not fearing the quiet
Not doubting in the silence
Not feeding your insecurities
Not being jealous
Jealousy is not love
Love is…
Not a metaphor
Nor is it figurative
Or expressed in symbols
Love just is
The beginning
And the end
And everything in between
Love is…
Taking moments
And making memories
Together
Love is…
The unspoken,
The unwritten,
All the things
We don’t have to say
Love is…
The golden thread
Binding us together
Love is…
The mundane,
The ordinary
And the everyday
Made extraordinary
Love is…
Not making promises
Its keeping them
Love is…
Being comfortable
With each other
Even in the silence
Love is…
Is a dream fulfilled
Or a wish come true
Love is…
Not fearing the quiet
Not doubting in the silence
Not feeding your insecurities
Not being jealous
Jealousy is not love
Love is…
Not a metaphor
Nor is it figurative
Or expressed in symbols
Love just is
Friday, 31 December 2010
New Year Bits
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION
If you have decided
You are overweight
And a diet is the solution
If you have decided
This should be
Your New Year’s resolution
Just listen to these facts
For just a moment
And then digest the information
Of all the people in Britain
There are more over weight people
Than there are average weight people
So overweight people
Are now the new average weight people
So job done, you have reached your target
You are no longer overweight
You have kept your New Years resolution
Have a cake to celebrate
JANUARY BLUES
I hate the month of January
Every single day from New Years day
To the 31st day
I hate the month of January
With every fibre of my being
You may say it’s just the January blues
That colours my views
But it’s much deeper than that.
It’s always such a long depressing month
With dreary weather and miserable people
It’s the inevitable aftermath
That follows a joyful Christmas
Its going back to work to the same depressing job
You so happily left behind you on Christmas Eve
It’s the empty bank account
And the look ahead at the five long weeks till payday
Its New Years resolutions and not keeping them
I hate the month of January
From day one, new years day
With it’s reminder of things to come
Another bloody awful year ahead
January fills me with dread
OLD YEARS NIGHT
My wife is an optimist
Which is why, she stays up
On New Years Eve
To see in the new one
I am by nature a pessimist
Which means, that I stay up
On New Years Eve
To make sure the old one has gone
If you have decided
You are overweight
And a diet is the solution
If you have decided
This should be
Your New Year’s resolution
Just listen to these facts
For just a moment
And then digest the information
Of all the people in Britain
There are more over weight people
Than there are average weight people
So overweight people
Are now the new average weight people
So job done, you have reached your target
You are no longer overweight
You have kept your New Years resolution
Have a cake to celebrate
JANUARY BLUES
I hate the month of January
Every single day from New Years day
To the 31st day
I hate the month of January
With every fibre of my being
You may say it’s just the January blues
That colours my views
But it’s much deeper than that.
It’s always such a long depressing month
With dreary weather and miserable people
It’s the inevitable aftermath
That follows a joyful Christmas
Its going back to work to the same depressing job
You so happily left behind you on Christmas Eve
It’s the empty bank account
And the look ahead at the five long weeks till payday
Its New Years resolutions and not keeping them
I hate the month of January
From day one, new years day
With it’s reminder of things to come
Another bloody awful year ahead
January fills me with dread
OLD YEARS NIGHT
My wife is an optimist
Which is why, she stays up
On New Years Eve
To see in the new one
I am by nature a pessimist
Which means, that I stay up
On New Years Eve
To make sure the old one has gone
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
A Stocking Full Of Christmas # 2
CHRISTMAS DAY IS ALMOST HERE
Christmas day is almost here
The time of year
I hold so dear
When to tradition we must adhere
When to every ear
We are sincere
A time of goodwill and cheer
A time to care
A time to share
Christmas is when we banish fear
Keep close those near
And those dear
Christmas day is almost here
The time of year
When we revere
COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS
When Jack Frost is abroad
And the Thanksgiving snow falls
When we hear the first sleigh bell’s ring
Christmas isn’t far away at all
So make those lists and join the throng
Of happy shoppers down at the mall
THE JINGLE OF SLEIGH BELLS
The Jingle of sleigh bells, herald
His coming on Christmas Eve
When Santa Claus takes the time
To fill our stocking and I believe
That Santa Claus thinks sincerely
It’s better to give than to receive
YULETIDE GATHERING
On the oak and iron studded door
There hung a wreath of yuletide
That was so pleasing to the eye
It seemed to welcome you inside
The hallway was lit with candles
Of every shape, size and hue
And tasteful Christmas decorations
Seemed to be constantly in view
Down the entire length of the stairs
Entwining the polished mahogany
Garlands of holly and evergreen
Filled the scene most sumptuously
The drawing room was minimalist
Each decoration chosen with care
The focal point was the mantelpiece
And the little stocking hanging there
In the corner stood a mighty tree
Festively decked in all its glory
But their was more to the gathering
Than just the Christmas story
Every face bore a relaxed smile
Such was the festive atmosphere
And so proud was the hostess
But not just for the festive cheer
For this was the first Christmas
For their newborn son and heir
And so proud was the mother
Of her newborn son so fair
BUT SOFTLY THE MYRIAD SNOW FLAKES FALL
But softly the myriad snow flakes fall
These infinite flakes of purest white
Like pure white down of angels wings
Floating gently from heavens height
But this is no heaven sent delight
This thing of beauty that cruelly lingers
For harshly touched is the naked earth
When touched by winters icy fingers
IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME AGAIN
It’s Christmas time again
When the spirit is beautiful
When every pocket is empty
But every heart is full
OH PRETTY SNOWFLAKE
Oh pretty snowflake
Gentle on my face
Oh delicate beauty
Like Belgian lace
Oh pretty snowflake
Thing of grace
You were here
Now not a trace
SNOWFLAKES ON THE DAY
Smoke curls from the chimneys,
And dissolves into the grey
Then the clouds in exchange
Release snowflakes on the day
Soon the air is full of white flakes
Filtering the sounds of life away
The land is soon under deep snow
Of snowflakes released on the day
EVERYBODY LOVES IT
Everybody loves it
Even if they won’t admit it
From the newly bred
To the nearly dead
Christmas is the bee’s knees
From decorated Christmas trees
To candlelight and mistletoe
And every happy Ho Ho Ho
Some may not agree
At least not openly
But are quite happy
To enjoy it secretly
I WROTE A LETTER TO SANTA
I wrote a letter to Santa
Making my request
I told him what I wanted
Stating what was best
I didn’t ask for jewels
I didn’t ask for jewellery
I didn’t ask for gold
I didn’t ask for luxuries
I asked him for a gift
I consider the greatest prise
I asked him for the look of love
To be present in your eyes
I asked him for your heart
So to make me live
I asked him for your love
But theyre not his give
I wrote a letter to Santa
Making my request
I told him that I love you
I’m sure he’ll do what’s best
NOT JUST ANOTHER CHRISTMAS
Christmas has come around
It’s another Christmas dear
Another special season
So full of Christmas cheer
Just another Christmas?
We had better not forget dear
It’s not just another Christmas
Something’s different this year
What’s special this Christmas?
You’ve surely not forgotten dear
A milestone is to be reached
That’s what’s special about this year
It’s a special Christmas isn’t it?
I see the penny has dropped dear
We must hang up baby's stocking
It’s his first Christmas this year
DECEMBER HAS COME ROUND AGAIN
December has come round again
Another Christmas time is near.
That time when young and old
Almost explode with festive cheer.
DRIFTING ON THE WIND
The snowflakes drift upon the wind
And settle on the windowsill
But also on the winter winds
Comes the sting of winters chill
THE MAGICAL SEASON
Christmas cards come from absentees
Bringing so many Christmas wishes
And those you get to see in person
Are greeted with Christmas kisses
It’s the time for friends and family
Exchanging gifts beneath the tree
A time to enjoy every single moment
And make it as magical as it can be
IT WARMS MY REMINISCENT HEART
It warms my reminiscent heart
When Christmas preparations start
When the bells of Christmas chime
I am taken back to happy times
With special friends and family
And all the Christmas memories
When Christmas preparations start
It warms my reminiscent heart
CHRISTMAS MEMORIES
Of all the Christmas’s I can remember
My best Christmas’s were the ones
Where I would decorate the tree with dad
And make Christmas cookies with mum
Thread popcorn and make paper chains
Each day opening the advent calendar
Wrapping the gifts in excited secrecy
Writing cards and sending them near and far
They are just distant memories now
But they were still the very best ones
And we must make Christmas memories
Now we have our daughters and our sons
Christmas day is almost here
The time of year
I hold so dear
When to tradition we must adhere
When to every ear
We are sincere
A time of goodwill and cheer
A time to care
A time to share
Christmas is when we banish fear
Keep close those near
And those dear
Christmas day is almost here
The time of year
When we revere
COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS
When Jack Frost is abroad
And the Thanksgiving snow falls
When we hear the first sleigh bell’s ring
Christmas isn’t far away at all
So make those lists and join the throng
Of happy shoppers down at the mall
THE JINGLE OF SLEIGH BELLS
The Jingle of sleigh bells, herald
His coming on Christmas Eve
When Santa Claus takes the time
To fill our stocking and I believe
That Santa Claus thinks sincerely
It’s better to give than to receive
YULETIDE GATHERING
On the oak and iron studded door
There hung a wreath of yuletide
That was so pleasing to the eye
It seemed to welcome you inside
The hallway was lit with candles
Of every shape, size and hue
And tasteful Christmas decorations
Seemed to be constantly in view
Down the entire length of the stairs
Entwining the polished mahogany
Garlands of holly and evergreen
Filled the scene most sumptuously
The drawing room was minimalist
Each decoration chosen with care
The focal point was the mantelpiece
And the little stocking hanging there
In the corner stood a mighty tree
Festively decked in all its glory
But their was more to the gathering
Than just the Christmas story
Every face bore a relaxed smile
Such was the festive atmosphere
And so proud was the hostess
But not just for the festive cheer
For this was the first Christmas
For their newborn son and heir
And so proud was the mother
Of her newborn son so fair
BUT SOFTLY THE MYRIAD SNOW FLAKES FALL
But softly the myriad snow flakes fall
These infinite flakes of purest white
Like pure white down of angels wings
Floating gently from heavens height
But this is no heaven sent delight
This thing of beauty that cruelly lingers
For harshly touched is the naked earth
When touched by winters icy fingers
IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME AGAIN
It’s Christmas time again
When the spirit is beautiful
When every pocket is empty
But every heart is full
OH PRETTY SNOWFLAKE
Oh pretty snowflake
Gentle on my face
Oh delicate beauty
Like Belgian lace
Oh pretty snowflake
Thing of grace
You were here
Now not a trace
SNOWFLAKES ON THE DAY
Smoke curls from the chimneys,
And dissolves into the grey
Then the clouds in exchange
Release snowflakes on the day
Soon the air is full of white flakes
Filtering the sounds of life away
The land is soon under deep snow
Of snowflakes released on the day
EVERYBODY LOVES IT
Everybody loves it
Even if they won’t admit it
From the newly bred
To the nearly dead
Christmas is the bee’s knees
From decorated Christmas trees
To candlelight and mistletoe
And every happy Ho Ho Ho
Some may not agree
At least not openly
But are quite happy
To enjoy it secretly
I WROTE A LETTER TO SANTA
I wrote a letter to Santa
Making my request
I told him what I wanted
Stating what was best
I didn’t ask for jewels
I didn’t ask for jewellery
I didn’t ask for gold
I didn’t ask for luxuries
I asked him for a gift
I consider the greatest prise
I asked him for the look of love
To be present in your eyes
I asked him for your heart
So to make me live
I asked him for your love
But theyre not his give
I wrote a letter to Santa
Making my request
I told him that I love you
I’m sure he’ll do what’s best
NOT JUST ANOTHER CHRISTMAS
Christmas has come around
It’s another Christmas dear
Another special season
So full of Christmas cheer
Just another Christmas?
We had better not forget dear
It’s not just another Christmas
Something’s different this year
What’s special this Christmas?
You’ve surely not forgotten dear
A milestone is to be reached
That’s what’s special about this year
It’s a special Christmas isn’t it?
I see the penny has dropped dear
We must hang up baby's stocking
It’s his first Christmas this year
DECEMBER HAS COME ROUND AGAIN
December has come round again
Another Christmas time is near.
That time when young and old
Almost explode with festive cheer.
DRIFTING ON THE WIND
The snowflakes drift upon the wind
And settle on the windowsill
But also on the winter winds
Comes the sting of winters chill
THE MAGICAL SEASON
Christmas cards come from absentees
Bringing so many Christmas wishes
And those you get to see in person
Are greeted with Christmas kisses
It’s the time for friends and family
Exchanging gifts beneath the tree
A time to enjoy every single moment
And make it as magical as it can be
IT WARMS MY REMINISCENT HEART
It warms my reminiscent heart
When Christmas preparations start
When the bells of Christmas chime
I am taken back to happy times
With special friends and family
And all the Christmas memories
When Christmas preparations start
It warms my reminiscent heart
CHRISTMAS MEMORIES
Of all the Christmas’s I can remember
My best Christmas’s were the ones
Where I would decorate the tree with dad
And make Christmas cookies with mum
Thread popcorn and make paper chains
Each day opening the advent calendar
Wrapping the gifts in excited secrecy
Writing cards and sending them near and far
They are just distant memories now
But they were still the very best ones
And we must make Christmas memories
Now we have our daughters and our sons
A Grown Up Christmas
EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS
Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho
SANTA’S R & R
When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave
His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return
In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor
Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”
PARTY CLAUS
What does Santa do after Christmas?
Well if you want to know the truth
He parties hard with Mrs. Claus
Til they melt the snow off the roof
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games
So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again
But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie
RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT
Rudolph has been grounded
And severely reprimanded
The cause is his nocturnal activity
During the season of the nativity
Donner has been knocked up
And Vixen is a favourite tup
There are many more names
Who’ve played his reindeer games
He is insatiable, even the boys
Have fallen victim of his joys
Now Santa has had enough
Since he mounted Billy Goat Gruff
FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
Amidst the preparations
For the up coming festivities
There has been a lot of demand
On the Church amenities
For those of us involved
In pulling the Christmas peel
Found the time to practise
Was far less than ideal
I found it difficult to fit it in
Around work and family needs
And often practised alone
At a very late hour indeed
One night it all got too much
The final straw I can’t remember
But as a result I decided to tie
The bell rope around my member
I don’t know why it was
That I succumbed to the pressure
But I was discovered
And I was tolled off by the vicar
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
All year long I fancied Lucy
But she turned out to be fickle
So I thought I’d drown my sorrows
And have a few festive tipples
But I ended up in a cupboard
With a girl with hairy nipples
CHRISTMAS JOY
I have a new love in my life
That all Christmas I’ll be pleas’n
I will bring Joy to her world
When I go south for the season
Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho
SANTA’S R & R
When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave
His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return
In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor
Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”
PARTY CLAUS
What does Santa do after Christmas?
Well if you want to know the truth
He parties hard with Mrs. Claus
Til they melt the snow off the roof
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games
So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again
But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie
RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT
Rudolph has been grounded
And severely reprimanded
The cause is his nocturnal activity
During the season of the nativity
Donner has been knocked up
And Vixen is a favourite tup
There are many more names
Who’ve played his reindeer games
He is insatiable, even the boys
Have fallen victim of his joys
Now Santa has had enough
Since he mounted Billy Goat Gruff
FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
Amidst the preparations
For the up coming festivities
There has been a lot of demand
On the Church amenities
For those of us involved
In pulling the Christmas peel
Found the time to practise
Was far less than ideal
I found it difficult to fit it in
Around work and family needs
And often practised alone
At a very late hour indeed
One night it all got too much
The final straw I can’t remember
But as a result I decided to tie
The bell rope around my member
I don’t know why it was
That I succumbed to the pressure
But I was discovered
And I was tolled off by the vicar
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
All year long I fancied Lucy
But she turned out to be fickle
So I thought I’d drown my sorrows
And have a few festive tipples
But I ended up in a cupboard
With a girl with hairy nipples
CHRISTMAS JOY
I have a new love in my life
That all Christmas I’ll be pleas’n
I will bring Joy to her world
When I go south for the season
The Funny Side Of Christmas
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 3
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We have been promised nouvelle cuisine
So Oliver will be asking for more
CHRISTMAS GOOSE
At Christmas time
I do like a goose
It is my one weakness
And I offer no excuse
Though it does depend
Of course on the bird
To say any different
Would be quite absurd
The quality of goose
That you are executing
Is directly related
To the bird you are goosing
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 4
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We are being treated to pot noodle
So Oliver won’t be asking for more
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 8
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the abode
Came the rancid smell like an un-emptied commode
It made your eyes water to be perfectly crude
Wow this baby needs to start eating solid food
CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT
Christmas is a time
Of many traditions
Like carol singing
With candle lit processions
But not anymore
A years old tradition
Has to had to go
For fear of litigation
“Health and safety”
So gets on my wick
As this year we had
Carols by glow stick
LAST CHRISTMAS
Last Christmas
We got the winter vomiting virus
It wasn’t nice
And it was shared by all of us
It was the worst
We didn’t see much Christmas cheer
I tell you one thing
We’ve just asked for money this year
GIFTS FOR EVERYONE
Jimmy got an iPod
Sally got an iPhone
Dad got an iPad
Mum got an iRon
Happy Christmas? iThink not
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9
Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,
He was so drunk in fact he couldn’t read the list
So the toys for the nice kids never left the north pole
And they all ended up with a big piece of coal
DEAR SANTA CLAUS
Dear Santa Claus
I have been good
I thought I’d mention that
So it’s understood
I don’t want
Something practical
Something useful
Nor educational
I don’t what
Something creative
Something arty
Or constructive
I don’t want
Something sporty
Something healthy
Not outdoorsy
What I want
Is an X-Box or a PS3
So I can escape
My boring reality
But I don’t want
You to bring me a Wii
It’s just too healthy
And drains my energy
CHRISTMAS GETAWAY
The sleigh is empty
The list is ticked
It’s back to base
Double quick
Mrs. Claus is waiting
To greet me
Fidgeting around
Quite excitedly
The bags are packed
And in the sleigh
We’re off to Florida
For a holiday
SAD SANTA
Santa Claus is depressed
Its declining standards you see
The naughty list is now so long
It needs storing electronically
Where as the good list has shrunk
And now fits on a sheet of A3
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED
There's no Christmas this year
There will be no Christmas cheer
For Santa checked the naughty list
And found himself a naughty miss
Then picked her up in his sleigh
And then flew her off to St Tropez
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We have been promised nouvelle cuisine
So Oliver will be asking for more
CHRISTMAS GOOSE
At Christmas time
I do like a goose
It is my one weakness
And I offer no excuse
Though it does depend
Of course on the bird
To say any different
Would be quite absurd
The quality of goose
That you are executing
Is directly related
To the bird you are goosing
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 4
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We are being treated to pot noodle
So Oliver won’t be asking for more
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 8
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the abode
Came the rancid smell like an un-emptied commode
It made your eyes water to be perfectly crude
Wow this baby needs to start eating solid food
CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT
Christmas is a time
Of many traditions
Like carol singing
With candle lit processions
But not anymore
A years old tradition
Has to had to go
For fear of litigation
“Health and safety”
So gets on my wick
As this year we had
Carols by glow stick
LAST CHRISTMAS
Last Christmas
We got the winter vomiting virus
It wasn’t nice
And it was shared by all of us
It was the worst
We didn’t see much Christmas cheer
I tell you one thing
We’ve just asked for money this year
GIFTS FOR EVERYONE
Jimmy got an iPod
Sally got an iPhone
Dad got an iPad
Mum got an iRon
Happy Christmas? iThink not
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9
Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,
He was so drunk in fact he couldn’t read the list
So the toys for the nice kids never left the north pole
And they all ended up with a big piece of coal
DEAR SANTA CLAUS
Dear Santa Claus
I have been good
I thought I’d mention that
So it’s understood
I don’t want
Something practical
Something useful
Nor educational
I don’t what
Something creative
Something arty
Or constructive
I don’t want
Something sporty
Something healthy
Not outdoorsy
What I want
Is an X-Box or a PS3
So I can escape
My boring reality
But I don’t want
You to bring me a Wii
It’s just too healthy
And drains my energy
CHRISTMAS GETAWAY
The sleigh is empty
The list is ticked
It’s back to base
Double quick
Mrs. Claus is waiting
To greet me
Fidgeting around
Quite excitedly
The bags are packed
And in the sleigh
We’re off to Florida
For a holiday
SAD SANTA
Santa Claus is depressed
Its declining standards you see
The naughty list is now so long
It needs storing electronically
Where as the good list has shrunk
And now fits on a sheet of A3
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED
There's no Christmas this year
There will be no Christmas cheer
For Santa checked the naughty list
And found himself a naughty miss
Then picked her up in his sleigh
And then flew her off to St Tropez
The True Meaning Of Christmas
CS LEWIS CAME TO GOD
CS Lewis came to God
The long way round
But because of this
His faith was sound
And he knew the truth,
He called Christ’s birth
The central event
In the history of the earth
THE FIRST NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Bethlehem,
Joseph was searching for a room for them
He searched and he searched all round the town
But nowhere to stay for them could be found
So they went to a stable and in a bed made of hay
The Christ child was born on the first Christmas Day
OH GOD TO YOU WE PRAY
Oh God to you we pray
To let peace on earth come our way
Oh God to you we pray
Would that we could have our way
Oh God grant this day
That peace on earth will come our way
Oh God we hear you say
That peace on earth will come our way
If we could from this day
Just live Christmas every day
Inspired by Helen Steiner Rice (1900-1981)
SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT
Silent night, holy night
Such a sweet carol
Neither rousing nor stirring
But moving and inspiring
A carol to unite in adoration
A song to touch the soul
Poignant and joyous
Holy music at its most powerful
Simple and unpretentious
THE CHRISTMAS ANGEL
The Christmas Angel comes each year
To spread around the Christmas cheer
Though the angels seldom appear
They are still there so do not fear
And listening with the keenest ear
You will never ever be able to hear
The Christmas angel standing near
But she will look over those near and dear
As she spreads around the Christmas cheer
Then the heavenly presence we revere
Twill be gone again again until next year
SING IN PRAISE
We stand around the Christmas tree
And sing to the Christmas melodies
We thank the lord for what we are
Standing beneath the Christmas star
To celebrate the Christ child's birth
When he came to us to save the earth
REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE SIXTH OF DECEMBER
Remember, remember the sixth of December
And put your red boots out
Because that is the very special day
When St Nicholas is about
WITH OPEN ARMS
With open arms I welcome Christmas
I embrace its merriment and mirth
With open heart I welcome Christmas
To celebrate the Christ Childs birth
CHRISTMAS HAS COME
The window sill is piled with snow
The ingle nook is all aglow
We’ve cleaned and swept the floor
The wreath is hanging on the door
The lights are lit, the halls are decked
The list of tasks has all been checked
Now we’re filled with Christmas cheer
Let’s have a drink of Christmas beer
Then ring the bell and bang the drum
Rejoice, rejoice Christmas has come
ALL BOWED BEFORE THE NEWBORN
All bowed before the newborn
In that stable forlorn
Shepherds and their beasts
And the magi from the east
The noble men of wealth
Concerned about his heath
Gave gifts of myrrh, frankincense and gold
Gifts his tiny hands could not hold
And at the centre of this scene
Slept the young King serene
THEY STOOD IN BREATHLESS WONDER
They stood in breathless wonder
At the babe so meek and mild
And with their gifts they knelt
At the feet of the holy child
CHRISTMAS SKY
The winter stage is dressed in tones of white
Everywhere is quiet everywhere is bright
Houses are adorned with lights of every hue
To celebrate the Christmas hullaballoo
And the starry sky on a frost filled night
Is in truth the most wonderful sight
A sky that held the star they had to follow
Over two thousand Christmas skies ago
THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN CHRISTMAS
There’s no better time than Christmas
I’ve always believed it to be so
When we remember Christ the saviour
Born two thousand years ago
There’s no better time than Christmas
When we celebrate his birth
In the sanctuary of a candlelit church
We rejoice for all we’re worth
There’s no better time than Christmas
To look beneath ageing skin
Of any of the old souls in the season
And still find a child within
There’s no better time than Christmas
I’ve always believed it to be so
When we remember Christ the saviour
Born two thousand years ago
CS Lewis came to God
The long way round
But because of this
His faith was sound
And he knew the truth,
He called Christ’s birth
The central event
In the history of the earth
THE FIRST NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Bethlehem,
Joseph was searching for a room for them
He searched and he searched all round the town
But nowhere to stay for them could be found
So they went to a stable and in a bed made of hay
The Christ child was born on the first Christmas Day
OH GOD TO YOU WE PRAY
Oh God to you we pray
To let peace on earth come our way
Oh God to you we pray
Would that we could have our way
Oh God grant this day
That peace on earth will come our way
Oh God we hear you say
That peace on earth will come our way
If we could from this day
Just live Christmas every day
Inspired by Helen Steiner Rice (1900-1981)
SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT
Silent night, holy night
Such a sweet carol
Neither rousing nor stirring
But moving and inspiring
A carol to unite in adoration
A song to touch the soul
Poignant and joyous
Holy music at its most powerful
Simple and unpretentious
THE CHRISTMAS ANGEL
The Christmas Angel comes each year
To spread around the Christmas cheer
Though the angels seldom appear
They are still there so do not fear
And listening with the keenest ear
You will never ever be able to hear
The Christmas angel standing near
But she will look over those near and dear
As she spreads around the Christmas cheer
Then the heavenly presence we revere
Twill be gone again again until next year
SING IN PRAISE
We stand around the Christmas tree
And sing to the Christmas melodies
We thank the lord for what we are
Standing beneath the Christmas star
To celebrate the Christ child's birth
When he came to us to save the earth
REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE SIXTH OF DECEMBER
Remember, remember the sixth of December
And put your red boots out
Because that is the very special day
When St Nicholas is about
WITH OPEN ARMS
With open arms I welcome Christmas
I embrace its merriment and mirth
With open heart I welcome Christmas
To celebrate the Christ Childs birth
CHRISTMAS HAS COME
The window sill is piled with snow
The ingle nook is all aglow
We’ve cleaned and swept the floor
The wreath is hanging on the door
The lights are lit, the halls are decked
The list of tasks has all been checked
Now we’re filled with Christmas cheer
Let’s have a drink of Christmas beer
Then ring the bell and bang the drum
Rejoice, rejoice Christmas has come
ALL BOWED BEFORE THE NEWBORN
All bowed before the newborn
In that stable forlorn
Shepherds and their beasts
And the magi from the east
The noble men of wealth
Concerned about his heath
Gave gifts of myrrh, frankincense and gold
Gifts his tiny hands could not hold
And at the centre of this scene
Slept the young King serene
THEY STOOD IN BREATHLESS WONDER
They stood in breathless wonder
At the babe so meek and mild
And with their gifts they knelt
At the feet of the holy child
CHRISTMAS SKY
The winter stage is dressed in tones of white
Everywhere is quiet everywhere is bright
Houses are adorned with lights of every hue
To celebrate the Christmas hullaballoo
And the starry sky on a frost filled night
Is in truth the most wonderful sight
A sky that held the star they had to follow
Over two thousand Christmas skies ago
THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN CHRISTMAS
There’s no better time than Christmas
I’ve always believed it to be so
When we remember Christ the saviour
Born two thousand years ago
There’s no better time than Christmas
When we celebrate his birth
In the sanctuary of a candlelit church
We rejoice for all we’re worth
There’s no better time than Christmas
To look beneath ageing skin
Of any of the old souls in the season
And still find a child within
There’s no better time than Christmas
I’ve always believed it to be so
When we remember Christ the saviour
Born two thousand years ago
Monday, 29 November 2010
A Stocking Full Of Christmas # 1
MOTHER CHRISTMAS, THANKS
Mums make Christmas
Only they can
That is a fact of life
Her mission is simple
Every year
Recreating the day
Christmas for her
Holidays for her
Require of her to
Illuminate the season
Supply an army
Trim and decorate
Make and manufacture
Aid and assist
Sustain and nourish
Thank her
Honour her
Assist her
Neglect her not
Kids and spouses
Should respect her
THE LITTLE CHRISTINGLE GIRL
Oh sweet little Christingle girl
Your daddy is so very far away
“Bring my daddy safely home”
These are the words you pray
Oh sweet little Christingle girl
Daddy is away at the war
“Bring my daddy safely home
Bring him safely to our door”
Oh sweet little Christingle girl
How she misses daddy far away
How sad she is, he won’t be home
To be with them on Christmas day
At Sunday school she made a christingle
She took an orange to represent the world.
And to symbolize the blood Christ shed
She took the red ribbon from her curls
Then she decorated four tooth picks
With fruits and sweets and marshmallows
These she placed in the four corners
To represented all the earthly souls
Then finally in the centre of the orange
She stood a single candle of purest white
And when lit, the candle represented
The world filled with Christ’s loving light
The sweet little Christingle girl
Took it home with her that day
And stood it in the window
So daddy would find his way
And the sweet little Christingle girl
With her daddy so very far away
Knew that when he did come home
That would be their Christmas day
SANTA’S TOYS
When Santa was a boy
No bigger than an elf
He was in the workshop
Making toys himself
But he has no time now
For making his own toys
Because he’s out delivering
To all the girls and boys
CHRISTMAS AGAIN
The advent candle is lit again
The Christmas cards are writ again
Beneath the tree gifts sit again
We’ve overspent a bit again
The Christmas table is set again
Our loved ones are met again
We drink a toast of wet again
And say merry Christmas yet again
DECEMBER, DECEMBER
December, December
The snow has come
Falling all night long
Kids its time to have some fun
December, December
Children playing in the snow
Skating and sledding
Faces all aglow
December, December
More snow will come
Then all through the winter
Kids will have more fun
KRIS KRINGLE
If there is one thing
To make the senses tingle
It’s the coming of
The good Kris Kringle
On Christmas Eve
We wait and pray
For good Kris Kringle
To come our way
WE ARE THE CAROL SINGERS
We are the carol singers
Who sing carols as we go
We sing in any weather
In rain or wind or snow
At every house or cottage
That stands upon the lane
We proudly sing a carol
In snow or wind or rain
We are the carol singers
We never feel chagrined
As we proudly sing together
In snow or rain or wind
We shake the tin for charity
Singing carols as we go
We are the carol singers
In rain or wind or snow
THE MAN IN RED
Christmas Eve
It’s time for bed
Listen for the sleigh bells
Of the man in red
Cookies and milk
By the fire place
Excitement beams
From each child’s face
Up the stairs
And fast asleep
Close those eyes
You mustn’t peep
Then when you wake
You will see
Sweets and toys galore
To fill you with glee
SANTA CLAUS REALLY LOVES HIS JOB
Santa Claus really loves his job
He doesn’t do it for the money
But some times it’s a struggle
And sometimes it’s not funny
Trying to please the kids today
Is certainly no easy task
Balancing what they deserve
Against what they ask
Sometimes Santa is impatient
With the ungrateful little buggers
And pictures them in the future
As sociopaths, fraudsters or muggers
But Santa Claus really loves his job
And most of the kids are a joy
So he does try to be patient
And see the best in every girl and boy
THE SANTA BLUES
Santa Claus works really hard
Dawn till dusk all the year long
And he is happy with his team
They are always singing a song
But in December he’s in the spotlight
And he can’t put a foot wrong
He must be on his best behaviour
When Christmas Eve comes along
He doesn’t really like the limelight
It’s the back room where he belongs
And during his great journey
When he suffers the reindeers pong
It’s for his happy team of helpers
And the cosy workshop he will long
He is much happier in the workshop
Working and Singing a Christmas song
SANTA
Santa comes but once a year
Riding on his sleigh
From his North Pole HQ
With gifts for Christmas day
Santa comes down your chimney.
To fill your Christmas stockings
With nuts, fruit and candy
And all kinds of wonderful things
So remember on Christmas Eve
To be good girls and boys
Or Santa won’t come
To bring you lots of toys
CHRISTMAS WISH
I’m not looking forward to Christmas
Not since we lost Mum this year
I’m not looking forward to a Christmas
Devoid of any Christmas cheer
Dads doing his best to lift our spirits
All though inside he’s really hurting too
He wants to make it a special time
And do the things like Mum used to do
So we decked the house with garlands
And trimmed the Christmas tree
We hung the Christmas cards on strings
So that everyone could see
Then with all the decorations up
My Dad went round us one by one
To ask us what gift we wanted
And he promised his best would be done
My sister Jules wants new clothes
Kenny wants music of any kind
The twins they want an X-Box
And the baby really doesn’t mind
Then Dad asked me “what do you want son?
What gift would stop you feeling glum”?
I said “I don’t want a present Dad
All I wish for Christmas is my Mum”
VISITING SANTA
You have to wait in line
To see Santa, but that’s fine
It’s worth every minute of queuing
And the anticipation of viewing
Santa Claus with his big belly
Wobbling like a bowl full of jelly
And his fruity chuckle you hear
In the Christmas grotto each year
Then you get to climb onto his lap
And have your special Christmas chat
Then all too soon its time to go
And Santa gives you a HO HO HO
THE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
The pudding is in the basin
The cloth is tied in a knot
We put it in the boiling water
And hear it hissing in the pot
IT’S CHRISTMAS BY GOLLY
It’s Christmas by golly
Let’s hang up the holly
It’s Christmas by golly
Let’s spend all our lolly
It’s Christmas by golly
It’s the time to be jolly
THE GOOD HUSBAND AND HIS WIFE
The good husband and his wife
Are happy partners in their life
Content in each others company
They live their life quite humbly
Yet come the time of advent
All time and effort is then spent
In the seasonal preparations
Of the coming celebrations
Where the good couple dwelt
Festive odours could be smelt
As special victuals quietly matured
As they cooked and baked and cured
This went on till advent passed
And they had cooked their last
Then the boxes were well packed
To ensure that no one lacked
The boxes were then sent on their way
To be delivered for Christmas day
To the poor and needy of the town
To those that society had let down
But not all was sent on its way
There was plenty kept for Christmas day
When friends and neighbours all
Were invited to the little church hall
Where on that Christmas day
Their bounty was on display
Biscuits, bread and well filled pies
Cakes and sweets of varying size
Roasted meats, fowl and game
Fruits and nuts of every name
And a good time was had by all
At the happy feast at the church hall
The good husband and his wife
The happy partners in each others life
Content in each others company
Sat in the corner quite humbly
Spectators at the feast of their making
Quietly satisfied with their undertaking
Content with their preparations
And happy with the Christmas celebrations
Mums make Christmas
Only they can
That is a fact of life
Her mission is simple
Every year
Recreating the day
Christmas for her
Holidays for her
Require of her to
Illuminate the season
Supply an army
Trim and decorate
Make and manufacture
Aid and assist
Sustain and nourish
Thank her
Honour her
Assist her
Neglect her not
Kids and spouses
Should respect her
THE LITTLE CHRISTINGLE GIRL
Oh sweet little Christingle girl
Your daddy is so very far away
“Bring my daddy safely home”
These are the words you pray
Oh sweet little Christingle girl
Daddy is away at the war
“Bring my daddy safely home
Bring him safely to our door”
Oh sweet little Christingle girl
How she misses daddy far away
How sad she is, he won’t be home
To be with them on Christmas day
At Sunday school she made a christingle
She took an orange to represent the world.
And to symbolize the blood Christ shed
She took the red ribbon from her curls
Then she decorated four tooth picks
With fruits and sweets and marshmallows
These she placed in the four corners
To represented all the earthly souls
Then finally in the centre of the orange
She stood a single candle of purest white
And when lit, the candle represented
The world filled with Christ’s loving light
The sweet little Christingle girl
Took it home with her that day
And stood it in the window
So daddy would find his way
And the sweet little Christingle girl
With her daddy so very far away
Knew that when he did come home
That would be their Christmas day
SANTA’S TOYS
When Santa was a boy
No bigger than an elf
He was in the workshop
Making toys himself
But he has no time now
For making his own toys
Because he’s out delivering
To all the girls and boys
CHRISTMAS AGAIN
The advent candle is lit again
The Christmas cards are writ again
Beneath the tree gifts sit again
We’ve overspent a bit again
The Christmas table is set again
Our loved ones are met again
We drink a toast of wet again
And say merry Christmas yet again
DECEMBER, DECEMBER
December, December
The snow has come
Falling all night long
Kids its time to have some fun
December, December
Children playing in the snow
Skating and sledding
Faces all aglow
December, December
More snow will come
Then all through the winter
Kids will have more fun
KRIS KRINGLE
If there is one thing
To make the senses tingle
It’s the coming of
The good Kris Kringle
On Christmas Eve
We wait and pray
For good Kris Kringle
To come our way
WE ARE THE CAROL SINGERS
We are the carol singers
Who sing carols as we go
We sing in any weather
In rain or wind or snow
At every house or cottage
That stands upon the lane
We proudly sing a carol
In snow or wind or rain
We are the carol singers
We never feel chagrined
As we proudly sing together
In snow or rain or wind
We shake the tin for charity
Singing carols as we go
We are the carol singers
In rain or wind or snow
THE MAN IN RED
Christmas Eve
It’s time for bed
Listen for the sleigh bells
Of the man in red
Cookies and milk
By the fire place
Excitement beams
From each child’s face
Up the stairs
And fast asleep
Close those eyes
You mustn’t peep
Then when you wake
You will see
Sweets and toys galore
To fill you with glee
SANTA CLAUS REALLY LOVES HIS JOB
Santa Claus really loves his job
He doesn’t do it for the money
But some times it’s a struggle
And sometimes it’s not funny
Trying to please the kids today
Is certainly no easy task
Balancing what they deserve
Against what they ask
Sometimes Santa is impatient
With the ungrateful little buggers
And pictures them in the future
As sociopaths, fraudsters or muggers
But Santa Claus really loves his job
And most of the kids are a joy
So he does try to be patient
And see the best in every girl and boy
THE SANTA BLUES
Santa Claus works really hard
Dawn till dusk all the year long
And he is happy with his team
They are always singing a song
But in December he’s in the spotlight
And he can’t put a foot wrong
He must be on his best behaviour
When Christmas Eve comes along
He doesn’t really like the limelight
It’s the back room where he belongs
And during his great journey
When he suffers the reindeers pong
It’s for his happy team of helpers
And the cosy workshop he will long
He is much happier in the workshop
Working and Singing a Christmas song
SANTA
Santa comes but once a year
Riding on his sleigh
From his North Pole HQ
With gifts for Christmas day
Santa comes down your chimney.
To fill your Christmas stockings
With nuts, fruit and candy
And all kinds of wonderful things
So remember on Christmas Eve
To be good girls and boys
Or Santa won’t come
To bring you lots of toys
CHRISTMAS WISH
I’m not looking forward to Christmas
Not since we lost Mum this year
I’m not looking forward to a Christmas
Devoid of any Christmas cheer
Dads doing his best to lift our spirits
All though inside he’s really hurting too
He wants to make it a special time
And do the things like Mum used to do
So we decked the house with garlands
And trimmed the Christmas tree
We hung the Christmas cards on strings
So that everyone could see
Then with all the decorations up
My Dad went round us one by one
To ask us what gift we wanted
And he promised his best would be done
My sister Jules wants new clothes
Kenny wants music of any kind
The twins they want an X-Box
And the baby really doesn’t mind
Then Dad asked me “what do you want son?
What gift would stop you feeling glum”?
I said “I don’t want a present Dad
All I wish for Christmas is my Mum”
VISITING SANTA
You have to wait in line
To see Santa, but that’s fine
It’s worth every minute of queuing
And the anticipation of viewing
Santa Claus with his big belly
Wobbling like a bowl full of jelly
And his fruity chuckle you hear
In the Christmas grotto each year
Then you get to climb onto his lap
And have your special Christmas chat
Then all too soon its time to go
And Santa gives you a HO HO HO
THE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
The pudding is in the basin
The cloth is tied in a knot
We put it in the boiling water
And hear it hissing in the pot
IT’S CHRISTMAS BY GOLLY
It’s Christmas by golly
Let’s hang up the holly
It’s Christmas by golly
Let’s spend all our lolly
It’s Christmas by golly
It’s the time to be jolly
THE GOOD HUSBAND AND HIS WIFE
The good husband and his wife
Are happy partners in their life
Content in each others company
They live their life quite humbly
Yet come the time of advent
All time and effort is then spent
In the seasonal preparations
Of the coming celebrations
Where the good couple dwelt
Festive odours could be smelt
As special victuals quietly matured
As they cooked and baked and cured
This went on till advent passed
And they had cooked their last
Then the boxes were well packed
To ensure that no one lacked
The boxes were then sent on their way
To be delivered for Christmas day
To the poor and needy of the town
To those that society had let down
But not all was sent on its way
There was plenty kept for Christmas day
When friends and neighbours all
Were invited to the little church hall
Where on that Christmas day
Their bounty was on display
Biscuits, bread and well filled pies
Cakes and sweets of varying size
Roasted meats, fowl and game
Fruits and nuts of every name
And a good time was had by all
At the happy feast at the church hall
The good husband and his wife
The happy partners in each others life
Content in each others company
Sat in the corner quite humbly
Spectators at the feast of their making
Quietly satisfied with their undertaking
Content with their preparations
And happy with the Christmas celebrations
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Christmas Love
FIONA
I first met Fiona at a Christmas party
A beautiful woman in a young girl’s body
Fiona was far more mature than her years
And she chose me that night
Despite a host of more suitable suitors
And we danced into the night
Her firm body pressed against mine
Her intoxicating scent enveloping me
Arms clinging tightly to me
Her breath against my neck
In full view of envious eyes
And later in passionate embrace
Just the two of us in the darkness
As I kissed her goodnight
THE VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS
Putting up the decorations
And trimming the Christmas tree
Writing all the cards
This year from you and me
Your presents are wrapped
Only bows and tags to do
Until this moment I didn’t know
Just how much I loved you
So I will have a happy Christmas
With the love of my life
The very first Christmas
Since we became man and wife
I’M THINKING OF YOU
I’m thinking of you
As I sit here feeling blue
I miss you every day
While you are away
But duty called you
And of course I knew
You would have to go
Away to fight the foe
So I’m thinking of you
As I sit here feeling blue
Alone on Christmas day
While you are far away
CHRISTMAS CAROLE
My feelings and emotions,
Long since repressed,
Stirred from their slumber
Feelings I thought had long passed
Were awakened like a sleeping giant
Reappearing like long lost friends
Out of the blue and so unexpected
And Carole was the reason
We met by chance
A week or so before Christmas
In a crowded book shop
Amidst the throng of Christmas shoppers
We simultaneously emerged at the checkout
Both clutching a copy of the same book
The dickens classic
“A Christmas Carol”
Spotting each others proposed purchases
We both smiled
And as far as we could see
We were the only people smiling
Surrounded as we were
By a multitude of the disgruntled
I found myself suggesting coffee
And was pleasantly surprised to here her accept
Following that first chance meeting
We quickly became inseparable
We would sit and talk for hours
About everything and nothing
As we’d sit by the cosy fireside
We would share long walks in the country
And afternoons watching old movies
It soon became obvious
We had both found that elusive something
That had been just out of reach
Just over the next hill
We had found our soul mates
Now we share everything
She was the Christmas gift
I had been waiting for all my life
My very own Christmas cracker
My very own Christmas Carole
CHRISTMAS EVE
We sit beside the hearth,
Just Evelyn and I
Logs crackling in the grate
Flames are burning bright
Just the two of us
Alone in the fire side glow
Sitting in cosy comfort
Warm from head to toe
It was a year ago we met
On a very different night
When I first saw her face
In the soft glow of candle light
It was last Christmas Eve
When I first saw her
It was at midnight mass
And she was singing in the choir
She will be singing Carols
Again this Christmas Eve
We will have to stir ourselves
It’s almost time to leave
But before we leave the cosy scene
I have something to ask
But I’m a little bit scared
As I set about my task
This year has been so special
With her sharing my life
That I want Evelyn to marry me
I want her to be my wife
So as we sit beside the hearth,
Just Evelyn and I
Logs crackling in the grate
Flames burning bright
I pray that when I ask her
I get the response I dare not believe
And she will answered yes
And be MY Christmas Eve
OH MY PRETTY LITTLE ELFIN FACED GIRL (PART ONE)
Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
In green woolly tights and pixie shoes
I’ve admired you from a distance
Where your smile melts away my blues
I watched you bloom in the spring
And bask in the warm summer glow
Then dressed in russet colours of autumn
And all the year I’ve felt my love grow
Now winter is here and Christmas is near
Oh how I long to kiss your sweet lips so
Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
I pray I meet you beneath the mistletoe
OH MY PRETTY LITTLE ELFIN FACED GIRL (PART TWO)
Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
In green woolly tights and pixie shoes
Please notice me beneath the mistletoe
And kiss away my Christmas blues
Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
I wish you would grant my Christmas wish
But it appears that I wish in vain
For you don’t even know that I exist
So I stand alone with my Christmas punch
Looking out at the fresh fallen snow
When I see your elfin face smile at me
And you’re holding a sprig of mistletoe
GIVE ME A KISS FOR CHRISTMAS
Give me a kiss for Christmas
For my love for you is strong
Give me a kiss for Christmas
I’ve been waiting oh so long
Give me a kiss for Christmas
On this special holy night
Give me a kiss for Christmas
Let me fill you with delight
Give me a kiss for Christmas
That is my only Christmas wish
I promise it will be much more
Than just another Christmas kiss
CHRISTMAS CANOODLE
She is the object of my desire
Hers is the name I sit and doodle
Oh how I long to kiss those lips
As Sweet as apple strudel
I would give every thing I own
The whole kit and caboodle
To spend one minute in her arms
And share a Christmas canoodle
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 4
All I want for Christmas
Is the special girl I love
All I want for Christmas
Is my angel from above
She need not be wrapped
And tied up with a bow
I’ll take her as she is
Smiling face aglow
Any other Christmas gift
Is valueless to me
I just want my angel
Beneath the Christmas tree
So on Christmas day
As we stand beside the tree
I will take her in my arms
And kiss her tenderly
COMPLETE CHRISTMAS
I wrapped the presents from me to you,
Only a few more things now left to do
I must hang up the bunch of mistletoe
Pour the wine and turn the lights down low
And when we cuddle up together on the seat
My Christmas really will be complete
WHEN WINTER COMES
When winter comes
And the first snowflakes fall
Who is the first one in my thoughts?
Who is the first person I call
When winter comes
And there is a fresh fall of snow
Who makes snow angels with you?
Is it that you’re the best angel maker I know?
When winter comes
And there’s fresh snow on the ground
Who builds the snowman with you?
Is it that you make the best snowmen around?
When winter comes
And we spend all of our time together
Have you ever wondered why?
Do you think that I just like the snowy weather?
When winter comes
There is a reason why every winter I call you
It’s the same reason I’ve had since we were seven
I’ve wanted to tell you but have been to scared to
When winter comes
The reason I pull off your wet gloves?
And the reason I gently warm your cold hands?
Is that you’re the one I love
CHRISTMAS PERFECTION
I found the perfect Christmas gift
And that’s what I’m unwrapping
She’s five foot two, eyes of blue
Slender, tender, figuratively cracking
So it’s a happy Christmas to me
For a very obvious reason
I’ve found myself the perfect gift
That I will enjoy all of the season
I first met Fiona at a Christmas party
A beautiful woman in a young girl’s body
Fiona was far more mature than her years
And she chose me that night
Despite a host of more suitable suitors
And we danced into the night
Her firm body pressed against mine
Her intoxicating scent enveloping me
Arms clinging tightly to me
Her breath against my neck
In full view of envious eyes
And later in passionate embrace
Just the two of us in the darkness
As I kissed her goodnight
THE VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS
Putting up the decorations
And trimming the Christmas tree
Writing all the cards
This year from you and me
Your presents are wrapped
Only bows and tags to do
Until this moment I didn’t know
Just how much I loved you
So I will have a happy Christmas
With the love of my life
The very first Christmas
Since we became man and wife
I’M THINKING OF YOU
I’m thinking of you
As I sit here feeling blue
I miss you every day
While you are away
But duty called you
And of course I knew
You would have to go
Away to fight the foe
So I’m thinking of you
As I sit here feeling blue
Alone on Christmas day
While you are far away
CHRISTMAS CAROLE
My feelings and emotions,
Long since repressed,
Stirred from their slumber
Feelings I thought had long passed
Were awakened like a sleeping giant
Reappearing like long lost friends
Out of the blue and so unexpected
And Carole was the reason
We met by chance
A week or so before Christmas
In a crowded book shop
Amidst the throng of Christmas shoppers
We simultaneously emerged at the checkout
Both clutching a copy of the same book
The dickens classic
“A Christmas Carol”
Spotting each others proposed purchases
We both smiled
And as far as we could see
We were the only people smiling
Surrounded as we were
By a multitude of the disgruntled
I found myself suggesting coffee
And was pleasantly surprised to here her accept
Following that first chance meeting
We quickly became inseparable
We would sit and talk for hours
About everything and nothing
As we’d sit by the cosy fireside
We would share long walks in the country
And afternoons watching old movies
It soon became obvious
We had both found that elusive something
That had been just out of reach
Just over the next hill
We had found our soul mates
Now we share everything
She was the Christmas gift
I had been waiting for all my life
My very own Christmas cracker
My very own Christmas Carole
CHRISTMAS EVE
We sit beside the hearth,
Just Evelyn and I
Logs crackling in the grate
Flames are burning bright
Just the two of us
Alone in the fire side glow
Sitting in cosy comfort
Warm from head to toe
It was a year ago we met
On a very different night
When I first saw her face
In the soft glow of candle light
It was last Christmas Eve
When I first saw her
It was at midnight mass
And she was singing in the choir
She will be singing Carols
Again this Christmas Eve
We will have to stir ourselves
It’s almost time to leave
But before we leave the cosy scene
I have something to ask
But I’m a little bit scared
As I set about my task
This year has been so special
With her sharing my life
That I want Evelyn to marry me
I want her to be my wife
So as we sit beside the hearth,
Just Evelyn and I
Logs crackling in the grate
Flames burning bright
I pray that when I ask her
I get the response I dare not believe
And she will answered yes
And be MY Christmas Eve
OH MY PRETTY LITTLE ELFIN FACED GIRL (PART ONE)
Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
In green woolly tights and pixie shoes
I’ve admired you from a distance
Where your smile melts away my blues
I watched you bloom in the spring
And bask in the warm summer glow
Then dressed in russet colours of autumn
And all the year I’ve felt my love grow
Now winter is here and Christmas is near
Oh how I long to kiss your sweet lips so
Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
I pray I meet you beneath the mistletoe
OH MY PRETTY LITTLE ELFIN FACED GIRL (PART TWO)
Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
In green woolly tights and pixie shoes
Please notice me beneath the mistletoe
And kiss away my Christmas blues
Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
I wish you would grant my Christmas wish
But it appears that I wish in vain
For you don’t even know that I exist
So I stand alone with my Christmas punch
Looking out at the fresh fallen snow
When I see your elfin face smile at me
And you’re holding a sprig of mistletoe
GIVE ME A KISS FOR CHRISTMAS
Give me a kiss for Christmas
For my love for you is strong
Give me a kiss for Christmas
I’ve been waiting oh so long
Give me a kiss for Christmas
On this special holy night
Give me a kiss for Christmas
Let me fill you with delight
Give me a kiss for Christmas
That is my only Christmas wish
I promise it will be much more
Than just another Christmas kiss
CHRISTMAS CANOODLE
She is the object of my desire
Hers is the name I sit and doodle
Oh how I long to kiss those lips
As Sweet as apple strudel
I would give every thing I own
The whole kit and caboodle
To spend one minute in her arms
And share a Christmas canoodle
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 4
All I want for Christmas
Is the special girl I love
All I want for Christmas
Is my angel from above
She need not be wrapped
And tied up with a bow
I’ll take her as she is
Smiling face aglow
Any other Christmas gift
Is valueless to me
I just want my angel
Beneath the Christmas tree
So on Christmas day
As we stand beside the tree
I will take her in my arms
And kiss her tenderly
COMPLETE CHRISTMAS
I wrapped the presents from me to you,
Only a few more things now left to do
I must hang up the bunch of mistletoe
Pour the wine and turn the lights down low
And when we cuddle up together on the seat
My Christmas really will be complete
WHEN WINTER COMES
When winter comes
And the first snowflakes fall
Who is the first one in my thoughts?
Who is the first person I call
When winter comes
And there is a fresh fall of snow
Who makes snow angels with you?
Is it that you’re the best angel maker I know?
When winter comes
And there’s fresh snow on the ground
Who builds the snowman with you?
Is it that you make the best snowmen around?
When winter comes
And we spend all of our time together
Have you ever wondered why?
Do you think that I just like the snowy weather?
When winter comes
There is a reason why every winter I call you
It’s the same reason I’ve had since we were seven
I’ve wanted to tell you but have been to scared to
When winter comes
The reason I pull off your wet gloves?
And the reason I gently warm your cold hands?
Is that you’re the one I love
CHRISTMAS PERFECTION
I found the perfect Christmas gift
And that’s what I’m unwrapping
She’s five foot two, eyes of blue
Slender, tender, figuratively cracking
So it’s a happy Christmas to me
For a very obvious reason
I’ve found myself the perfect gift
That I will enjoy all of the season
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